January 20, 2002
So I went to church
So I went to church again today, sang with the choir. It is really hard to pay attention to the sermon when you can't watch their lips move. Staring at the back of the minister's head just isn't quite as interesting. But from what I was able to make out, the sermon was about compassion. He was talking about how compassion is an experience that we have when we realize that someone else's situation could happen to us, a bit of fear, and through that coming to a feeling of identification with the other person. For some reason that really bothered me, and I even found it kind of offensive. It's a bit of a red flag for me that my reaction is so intense, because it feels tight, so I have to chew on that a bit. But I don't like hearing that my love-based feelings ultimately come from fear or insecurity. What an unpowerful way to live, you know? When I feel compassionate for someone, the first feeling that comes to mind is excitement - maybe it's skipping ahead a bit, but I feel like I can see the light for them, how it can be better, like I want to show them how they can find relief and more power for themselves - I am genuinely excited for them. Now, I don't have the energy to do that to everyone, which is the guilt problem a lot of us have with our compassion - but I get around that by thinking I will be more effective helping or inspiring those who I really identify with - where my efforts will more easily have an effect. It's just more efficient that way. A little effort helping more people is better than a lot of effort helping few. But the point is that when I see people have trouble, I'm not motivated to help them to vicariously shield myself from their problems happening to me. That just feels wrong, like it's reflexive, or hiding, or allowing fear to still have some power over you. "Gotta protect myself from that bad feeling..." It's tight and it's bullshit.
I think a lot of people see pain as an edge of a cliff that you have to veer away from. That way of thinking just doesn't make sense to me anymore... which I'm really thankful for.
Posted by Curt at January 20, 2002 03:51 PM