Hunting The Muse

I broke up with my

I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 4 years last night. I've written a bit about the saga before - hopefully enough to sketch it out but without totally invading her privacy. It feels really immense, at the same time that I don't even know where to get a foothold so in ways it is easy to go back to routine just for comfort. Played piano for a while today, then went to the a cappella rehearsal where I was basically the leader for three hours... I was really high energy at rehearsal, which seems strange in hindsight.

Things had started to work out between us last week but then I had a delayed reaction and felt like it was almost working out too quickly, like I was skipping over something. Then more stuff happened that freaked me out, and I just felt like I was going to keep being in agony for the rest of the months while she would be gone, with no certainty things would be better when she came back, and I just couldn't handle the thought of four more months of being so agonized. Kind of weird to think that something as awful as a breakup would feel better than the alternative. But I also have doubts - it doesn't feel immediately right that I did this... but I tell myself continuing on would have felt more wrong... but I doubt, like if I'm just forgetting all the subtleties of how amazing she is, or if I'll ever find someone who understands me as much, or when I think of her happy with another guy. I have a lot to let of. Ugh. :( Posted by Curt at November 13, 2001 10:25 PM