Hunting The Muse

I know what you mean about boredom and filling out questionnaires for the heck of it, but you never know unless you try.

Have you found a site that works better for you? I am wondering if any of these sites really work.

not really. although I know match.com works for some. I think you have to really work hard at it though. I've met three match.com people in two years I wouldn't really be a representative sample.

Interesting comments, Curt. I just deactivated my eharmony account. The guys they matched me with were way out of my age range...and the ones I did chat with for a prolonged period of time either moved waaay too quickly or not at all. The personality profile was interesting but not worth the bucks, in my opinion!

I've gotten to the point with net-matchmaking folks that I either want there to be a really good group-activity reason to meet them entirely separate from romantic expectations, or just ignore them entirely. It's just so exhausting when you meet someone in person and find out there's nothing there, sometimes not even for a friendship. I am just not able to say, "I don't want to be friends with you." It sucks. Other times I got busy and then felt silly writing back after two weeks passed.

Did you think your profile was accurate? I didn't like mine.

Hey Curt! Funny thing about all this internet dating scene....sometimes when things are so black and white it doesn't allow the person's personality to show thru. Also, while my personality profile is not 100% to what I feel to be true, it is close enough. The funniest thing about eharmony in particular is how many guys are all about 'honesty"...yet they are not honest enough to say thanks but no thanks and keep stringing you along. Mentioned to one of my long-term clients at work (she works in MA, I work in FL) that I was on eharmony...told me a story how one of her buddies was on eharmony and the guy she was matched with closed her out by saying he was in a relationship. Yet that same day, the same girl got a match from Match.com...and guess who she was matched with...yep, the guy who closed her out on eharmony. That was the whole reason I was lead to this page...was looking for postings from people that were not particularly pleased with eharmony. As for you, what makes you feel you can't say "I don't want to be friends with you"? Is it that you can't say it in person or via email or both? Very interesting comment. anyway, thanks again for the fyi!

Hi, Calichick--I join you in my disappointment with e-harmony. They promise a "scientific" match, but I've had much better success just getting to know people on other, less expensive sites. Here's what happened to me: I was matched with one guy who was new to e-harmony, and he kept telling me he was getting so many matches that he just couldn't respond to them all. Hmmmm. That hadn't been my experience. So I wrote to e-harmony and asked them for the gender demographcis for my area so I could get a better idea of what I was paying for (i.e., were there three times more women than men on the site?). They sent me a fluffy answer that didn't address the question. When I pressed the question, they said they don't give out that information because dating sites are so competitive. In the first few months, I was "matched" with two guys who didn't respond, two guys who were definitely not even close to a match, and one guy I met briefly. So the way I look at e-harmony is that they charge a lot of money (compared to most other sites), but provide fewer opportunities to meet people because we're trusting that they're matching us well. That wasn't my experience. Many of the things e-harmony matches are things we find out ourselves quickly anyway--sense of humor, whether we like adventure, music, etc. Bottom line: I wouldn't recommend it.

Hey Gail- Have a co-worker visiting from out of town. She met her husband through Match.com and her best friend also met her husband through Match.com. They each got married within 10 and 11 months of meeting, respectively. Seems the online dating process worked for them...Match.com used both of them as success stories. Dontcha just love it when stories end 'happily ever after"?? :-)

Has anyone had trouble closing e-harmony? My friend signed up and received crummy matches - way too old. When we try to cancel (within our 7 day trial period) we have to go to a "live chat" with a rep and every time they act as though they are no longer receiving our messages. I am frustrated.

Send an email to Customer Service. They were always good at getting back to me within 24 hours. After I cancelled (ie-had them stop charging my credit card) I never got another match from them...whereas before I got approximately 50 over three months. About 75% of the guys I got were way older...my range is 25-40....got tons of 48-60, several in their late 60's and 2 in early 70's!!

Wow, that was my experience too. I decided last year to tey eharmony because all the other sites were really just men looking for supermodels, or only for hookups till that supermodel came along. I got men with kids (I don't want to be a stepparent), and men who were WAY older than me. One was pushing 70 (I am in my 30s) and said he did not act his age, and started with sexual innuendo right out to prove it. I thought "oh great, a total immature jackass who needs Viagra to look at me." I can get immature jackasses in my own age group.

I do know someone who is engaged out of eharmony, but no one who actually married someone out of any of the other sites.

I haven't really liked eharmony's matches for me, either. First, I find the profiles too vague anyway - women are less apt to say anything original in their profiles (probably for good reason), it's all "I believe in work-hard, play-hard, and I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh." ugh. I at least try and show some personality in my profiles. I also don't like that eharmony doesn't let me specify anything tighter than their default age range, which is too wide for me. Finally, it asked me pretty detailed questions about my physical tastes in the profile, but it's matching me with people that aren't really even a close fit.

Has anyone tried match.com's new "physical attraction" test? It made me feel better about myself. It said that I was picky, but I was fine with out-of-the-mainstream looks. Also it appears I'm definitely not racist, at least not as far as beautiful women go. So that's comforting. heh.

Heh. I signed up for eharmony a month ago and haven't received any matches at all. Maybe there aren't many atheist women from Ohio subscribed to their service. Of course, I could just have a difficult personality to match.

Thanks for the heads-up on the age thing. I wonder if the out-of-range matches are the result of a flaw in their code, or folks lying about their ages.

If eharmony doesn't work out, I won't bother with Match or any other online dating site. All the other ones seem to mimic the distasteful meat-market atmosphere of the offline club scene. Ick, no thanks.

As for the age thing on eharmony...they will change it for you if you complain (ie-ask them nicely).

My preferred ages were 25-38, but given their set up I could only go one way, either up or down. When I got several mid-60-ish guys, I complained...they changed it within 24 hours to my preferred parameters.

E-harmony didn't really work for me and I closed my account. My profile was somewhat realistic but I found their personality evaluation to be very generic and general. "Sally is a nice, easy-going, caring person" and then communication is attemped and reality comes crashing in. I found many people to be non-responsive or not willing to drive 40 miles to meet with someone. I spent two weeks talking to someone only to finally get their picture(I had posted my picture at the start)and trully see who I was talking to. Then there's the other side of the coin with Match.com where it's all about the picture. I just have a hard time bragging about myself and with how some people describe themselves. I've met some of woman through match.com and many seem to have a "shopping-network" approach to dating. I started asking myself many times, "Am I the primary date or a backup option this week?"

eHarmony SUCKS!!!! BIG TIME!!!! DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY . . . IT'S A CON, A TOTAL RIPOFF!!!

eharmony... in theory maybe ... A friend of mine was a member and said that I had "requested communication" with her when I had not. This got me to thinking that maybe one reason for the low response rate were bogus or non existant matches. Also the contacts I made didn't seem that great as soulmate material.
so be happy and do the things you like to do and good things will happen.

eharmony couldn't even match my ass up. I guess it's cause of my income which is zip zero nada. It ain't my fault i don't have a job. I'm gettin up off my ass and looking for one every week i get a lead on jobs. I have a profile on singlescrowd and Im doin pretty well I haven't even paid for my account yet...ever and I collectively have had over a hundred responses. I'm thinkin of payin for a membership to singlescrowd cause im gettin some major hotties.

I signed up at eharmony, and it looked OK so far. I haven't paid yet, I'm still looking around to see if I like it. I was in a situation where another member was a match and requested communication, and I think they might of been busy and flagged me as closed. Well I went to close them as a match, and I expected to be able to keep them as a bookmark and or somehow be able to contact them later. I was pretty shocked to see that I only had the option to ban that person from ever sending me a message again. This is someone I know very little about, and I have absolutly no reason to ban them from communicating with me. I only do that if the person is abusive or harassing me? So I'm assuming if I pay money that I don't get more options, but a paying member could verify this for me. Well I certainly am not going to be paying any money if I am forced to ban people like this. Anyone else annoyed by this?

I'm thinking of joining E-Harmony..I live in L.A. and wonder if people out there in L.A. have had any success in meeting quality people. I want to meet women from 40 to 50 yo. Any feedback would be appreciated!

What I find Ironic and somewhat tragic are people who say they are open minded and don't care about looks in their online profiles, but lose interest when they learn I have a physical disability. I have had several people abruptly leave online chat sessions with me when they learn of my condition. One Person didn't even know what a disability was! It makes me cry. I am a nice person with a lot to offer someone if they would just allow me to do so. Best of luck everybody and peace to you all.

Well, looks like the jury is still out on eharmony.com. Didn't get a match for about a month and finally when I did, she sent a communication. I paid and joined and responded with the questionaire. Got to the second stage and then was put on hold. Ok...no big deal. But then got 3 more matches and paid for another month and seems like everytime I get to the 3rd stage, I'm put on hold. Am I being conned? Has this happened to anyone else? I guess only time will tell if these are real matches or just a big setup.

Can we sue eharmony? Get a class action thing going? I think it's a scam which purposely draws out the meeting process and makes it more difficult in order to make people stay as members and keep paying fees. Does anyone know how to start a class action?

I ended up closing my account too - I dragged my feet on the trial until they gave me a free one-month membership, and even then I never got past stage 1 with anyone.

That's interesting that people feel like they have reason to doubt if their matches are actually real. You'd have to have hard evidence of that, though, like a former employee who would confirm it, and internal emails and stuff.

I joined eHarmony in December and got 5 matches right away but was put off by the $50 a month thing because a friend said he got 30 days free. So I wrote asking for the promotional code for the 30 days free and they said there was no such thing. They sent me an offer for buy one month and get one free but I still wouldn't sign up. By the time they sent me an offer to try for 2 weeks @ 9.95 I had 15 matches so I decided to try it out.

I have had close to 50 matches in 2 months and have been matched up with women very close to my age. I'm thinking there are more women then men because my matches say they don't get nearly as many matches as I do. I have recommended the site to others but I haven't met anyone who has had the same success.

They even told a friend of mine he is not the type of person they can match up. I've heard they will not even try to match up atheists or homsexuals. I think my friend is an atheist and we tried to make a new profile going through that whole interview process again for him, this time letting his friends answer the questions the way we thought he would answer and they still rejected him again.

I'm very happy with the woman I have been dating and have asked eHarmony to stop charging my card. When compared to other sites this one is definately different and not for everyone but I'm still going to recommend it to my conservative or christian single friends.

Well, I just re-joined eHarmony today for a last attempt. I'm a single working mother and don't get out much. I really object to the meat-market quality of a lot of the sites, and eHarmony isn't that, but the previous time, I never got to the "real-time" contact stage with anybody. Either they put me on hold for some unknown reason, or they didn't respond and I eventually closed them out.

Also, they make all this noise about "trusting the process", but they tended to match me up with people who tended to be too old, you know, guys who want to "sail off into the sunset," old retired guys who hang around on boats all day, in other words, and as I said, I'm a working mom with kids at home. Not what I'd call a match made in heaven.

Also, a heavy obsession with physical fitness is a big turnoff, but they were matching me up with body-builder types, not the creative, intelligent types I like, so what is up with their "scientific matching process" anyway?

We'll see ... I've got a week to cancel anyway.

Anima in Orlando

I used internet matchmaking services until I met my now wife (will be married 2 years in Aug). I am 52; she will be 50 soon (yes, I did snag a young, good-looking woman).

After I was single a while I wanted to be in a relationship, but was astonished to find in my late 40's that there is NO way to discover who is "available." The last time I dated prior to that I was in my 20's, and at that time, it seemed EVERYONE was available, so it really wasn't a problem flirting with someone without meaning anything special by it, but if things began to click ... Well, this method of interacting with the possibility of romance just isn't available to someone in his 40's. I am the boss at work, so there is no appropriate way for me to socialize there. I am a member of a large congregation, but I could never figure out who really was single (many women particiapate without their husbands), and the last thing I wanted was to be inappropriate there.

So internet dating services seemed a godsend. At that time, there was one that offered a multiple choice questionaire that could be used for "computer matching" and many essay questions that allowed participants to express and reveal themselves. After the computer match delivered a sample (I could determine the criteria, including age, to put me in the ballpark of people who might be appropriate), I would read the essay responses of the people in my sample. A woman with little to say for herself gave me no reason to investigate further.

I ended up going on a lot of first dates. I justified it as parter-finding as a numbers game. All too often, I would make contact, have a nice time with someone on the phone, only to meet them and find that we had little reason to be in the same room.

Part of the problem is that I live in a small college town near a large city, and most of the people on the site lived in the city. So I drove the 45 minutes into the city to meet people.

I was constantly torn between my head, which told me to be much more selective in choosing who to meet, and my heart, eager to meet someone. I came to realize that the internet match making was really only busy work that held out the hope of being a way of meeting someone. Things did not go better for me until I stopped using the internet. Using the internet was like looking for something that is lost out in the bright sunlight, because there is more to see, when what you are looking for is waiting in a dark corner. The internet gave me a lot to look at, but none of it was what I was looking for.

I met my now wife after thinking long and hard about what it was I was really looking for. I answered her personal ad in the local (college town) daily newspaper. She told me tonight that I am the love of her life. She certainly is mine.

In my case, I answered all of the preliminary questions for the eHarmony personality profile; I was honest, thoughtful, thorough, and precise with my responses. The result was a "form-letter" stating that I happened to fit in a 2% minority of people that eHarmony just can't match...comforting, to think that out of millions of subscribers I'm just too chronically unique?...Now, I know that I'm introverted and a little shy, but it's not like I gave responses that would have indicated anti-social behavior or emotional instability, etc. Do I really belong in a "non-matchable" group with psychopaths and serial killers?...gee whiz!...Maybe I should start a dating service just for the people that the others turn away!

I am joining the "non-matchable" group of intellectual blondes that intimidate - maybe a bottle of black onyx dye would help.

Another unhappy customer:
I joined Eharmony because I mistakenly thought that this was a CHRISTIAN based dating service where singles could go to meet other CHRISTIAN
singles. I guess the biggest problem is how can alot of these people call themselves Christians and then be such total hypocrites? ie: Lie about their age, string people and judge others on how they look (ie: not 38/24/36.) I even heard about a lady who have corresponded with a gentleman for 9 months and when they met he told her he was no longer interested because she had short hair! From what I have seen so far most of the men are looking for super models. I have had well over 100 matches. I have has the same luck as the gal
who mentioned she was getting matched up with body builder hard body types or they said in their "Must Haves" I must have someone considered very attractive according to todays standards". Why is this even in here? Looks have NOTHING to do with what a wonderful human being someone might be. Why does Eharmony send us matches that are suppose to be "highly compatible" when they are not?
What makes me the maddest are these guys looking for super models, most of them are bald, over weight & over 60 themselves. How dare they? Why does Eharmony match someone up with these jerks? What's Christian about that? It says in the Bible that we are not to judge our neighbors. I had one jerk tell me that all it takes to be a good Christian is to believe in God?! I'd like to know which church taught him that! I can also sympathize with the gal who said she was strung along until someone better came along. That also happened to me. I also feel for the gentleman who was rejected because of his disibility. CHRISTIANS?? I don't think so. I think Eharmony needs to start screening their applicants ALOT better or do a BETTER job of matching people up! Disgusted in Texas

There's a basic problem with both Eharmony and Match.com -- and that is . . . you can't distinguish between members and non-members. On Match.com, you can spend hours putting thoughts into your emails and sending them 'into the wind'. Unless the receiver is a member they can't respond, and you'll never know ...

I believe the actual member list for Match.com and Eharmony is much lower than advertised. Most folks are just there to look (and fill out the profiles).

I've never joined an internet dating service and after reviewing all these remarks, I'm sure I never will. My saddest thought is for a friend who has joined eharmony and met someone on the other side of the country and they're talking of marriage. Now there are many problems with scheduling and meeting families, so I'm really wondering if this "match" is going to work at all. He doesn't seem to want to travel to meet her family, she's already met his............

When I first decided to do online dating, I knew about Match but was intrigued by eHarmony, based on their commercials. So I went to their site, and some of the language on the 'Testimonials' page - where folks who've married through eHarmony tell their stories - seemed odd. People were saying a lot of stuff about finding someone who "shared their values" or that they felt "joyful" when meeting Mr/Miss Right. I googled eHarmony to get some feedback about the site and - WHOA!! 90% of the links were through Christian single sites. As noted, they will not match gays or atheists. If they called themselves "Single & Evangelical" I wouldn't mind, but I'm really surprised some unsuspecting $99 subscriber (atheist, Jewish, or just, you know, a registered Democrat) hasn't sued their ass or at least gotten the Better Business Bureau involved on the obvious fraud /false advertising issue. Not to mention that posters like Debbie hereabove wouldn't be disappointed with getting matched with supposed "Christians" who turn out to be not that at all. Debbie deserves Christian matches and the rest of us deserve, well, whatever - and right now eHarmony is defrauding both groups.

As an aside: Speaking of eHarmony duping people, I also found negative comments from women who tried eHarmony and noted some interesting parameters (unlike Match and other sites): 1) You are only matched with men who are older than you, 2) You are only matched with men who are taller then you, 3) You are only matched with men who earn more than you, and 4) You are only matched with men who are the same race as you. For example, on Match you can pick any of a gazillion races and ethnic groups to date - on eHarmony, YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED to open your matching to people of other races. Again, surprising 'rules' for an online dating site to have, if you didn't know its extremely conservative background.

Shotrock, most of that is completely untrue. I'm a guy that would routinely get matches with women older than me. Plus, I put whatever the equivalent of "spiritual but not religious" is and got plenty of matches. I never got in contact with any of them through eharmony, so it was kind of a dud. And it's definitely not as liberal-feeling a site as, say, spring street networks (like salon.com). But it didn't seem like some sort of religious conspiracy either.

maybe we sould start a online dating service from this thread. HA! I am trying e-harmony - I hope it is not a scam.

WELL! I was contemplating joining eharmony but after reading these posts I have more questions than answers now! Maybe we should post our emails here, (mine is, trmorrow at juno dot com) & start emailing each other!
I'm 44, stable, glass half-full kinda guy, & looking! I have alot to offer my potential soul mate...write for more details!
Tim

I have read a lot of the comments and have found them very interesting. I have yet to find a match with eharmony and yet I do appreciate that they do try to match you up according to personality. I know some of the comments are upset that eharmony is conservative but for those of us who chose to live our lives that way it is nice to find a site that matches accordingly because we have had a hard time meeting people on more liberal sites.To me eharmony or any other site is no different then trying to meet people in person. The effort and the energy it takes when a match doesn't work out is just as draining and disappointing. I think you have to keep that in mind if you really want to use a internet dating site.

Sounds like a lot of us are just fed up with eHarmony. I joined up in 12/2002 and to date, have had just about 400 matches. NOT ONE of these "highly compatible" men have turned out to be compatible. For the men that have been sent to me, they need to feel that "instant click" and they need to feel deeply in love with and attracted to their potential partner. In other words, they are looking for a clone of Tyra Banks or Cindy Crawford. And yet I keep hearing interviews on the local CHRISTIAN radio station about how wonderful eHarmony is and how the matches interviewed on the program rave about eHarmony's success. Go figure.

I am one dissatisfied customer.

Am glad I reviewed all of your comments before spending time and money with E-Harmony. I would much rather meet someone who is uninhibited and honest about that with themselves and others and E-Harmony sounds like it may be too restrictive. Anyway, thanks to all for the information, it is much appreciated!

Eharmony may not be a scam in the strict sense, but it is deceptive. The problem with internet dating is that it is inherently sexual. There's no "getting to know someone" as in an office/school romance. No personality exchanges that lead to an attraction that's beyond the physical. Based soley on a profile (anywhere - match.com or eharmony) you either want to hook up with someone or you don't. Personally, I don't find extremely overweight women sexually attractive. That's not a knock on them as a person, it's just my preference. Eharmony does not require a photo, nor a description of body type, so if appearance is in ANY way important to you, GOOD LUCK!

Therefore, eharmony's endeavour is essentially a waste of your time. I'm sure random statistics work out for them and they get some "hits" wherein the participants are actually happy.

I'm one of the one's that were taken, but damned if I'll renew.

Phil

Thank you all. I just happened to find your comments - most enlightening, and very timely. I was just about to plunk down some precious coin of the realm when I stumbled upon some ringing indictments of Eharmony. I think I'll pass. Maybe shave my head, put on a saffron robe and join a convent in Tibet. Until then, thank God I have my pets. I'm Jewish and I've heard some positive things about JDate. Does anyone out there have any input re JDate? I really don't want to limit my search to Jewish men only, but with Eharmony I think I'd be rowing with only one oar!

Andrea - one of my friends met her husband on Jdate. He turned out to be a friend of her brother's that she had met ages ago and dismissed as not her type. It wasn't until they talked for awhile on Jdate that she realized he was "the one". Several of her friends had really good matches on Jdate as well....last I heard 2 were living together, 1 was engaged and the other was having fun dating her matches. Good luck!

Calichick - Thanks a lot. I just may give it a try. What do you know about match.com? Are the membership fees for all these match services pretty much the same? Is anything working well for you??

Andrea - Both eharmony (I had a paid subscription) and match (didn't pay) were much ado about nothing. Have had the best luck just hanging out at my local sports bar...don't 'do' the club scene...I'm not the "let's get dressed up and dance our butts off" type.

Have met some really nice guys that could be potential friends first and who knows what later on.

As an added plus, have become really tight with the female bartenders...we've become buddies and hang out occasionally...it's good to have friends of both sexes!

eHarmony update ... I kept my subscription and they matched me up with four people. Two didn't communicate at all, one seemed too heavily influenced by the Godfather movies, and the fourth one, I actually talked on the phone with and went to dinner with. He was a nice person, but just about the most boring individual I can ever remember being around. No offense to him, I like a man who is intellectually lively, but eHarmony had no clue that we were about as mismatched as two people can be!

Anima in Orlando

Like the other poster above I don't like the "closed match" feature that eHarmony has. I joined and didn't receive any matches right away so logged off...it was a busy weekend so I didn't log in for several days and when I did I had 7 matches. Two were already closed (so I had no way to even say "hi" to them) and since I wasn't a paying member yet I couldn't even let the two men that did request communication with me know that I was interested...not a wink or anything. I planned on joining to give it a try. ( I am so fed up with the meat-market nature of all of the other online personals sites) I had a promo code for three months for the price of one so I thought what the heck...but needed to wait until "payday." In the 5 days I had to wait until then...one of the two most compatible matches for me (after reading profiles and determining interests, lifestyle and personality profiles) closed his match because I didn't reply (within 5 days...their guidelines are to allow 2 weeks for a reply, incase someone is on vacation or something.) That match that closed contact lived local to me and the other lived a couple thousand miles away. I was bummed, he sounded perfect for me. There is no way I can contact him at ALL!

One would think that if you receive a new match you could at least send a wink or something and figure that any NEW matches were probably NEW MEMBERS who were checking it out and hadn't paid yet....and give it some time...at least two weeks to reply. I HATE the "closed matches" thing.

Guess it is his loss though...I am an amazing person who could have been the one for him..and we live in the same mid size city.

I have another 11 weeks to see how it goes and if I will continue to be a member at the renewal rate of $29.95 a month.

Be forewarned...if you sign up you cannot go back and reanswer anything in the personality profile...so really think about it the first time. The only thing you can reanswer are the essay type questions...not the personality ones. You CAN change religion, smoking preferences, drinking preferences, height (which is odd, who changes height often) and what your education level is, but other than that and the essay questions you can't change anything...so don't get tired and answer in haste like I did on some of the questions...just to get done and see if I had any matches. (Heck, maybe that is how I got a match that is totally illiterate and can't even write a sentence...because I sped through it.) I am communicating with a really interesting, smart man though...who lives 2,000 miles away nonetheless.

I found my wife through match.com, but it took a long time to get to her. I was at the point of giving up and she emailed me.

I'm on eHarmony and match.com. Both for a month. I have to say that I've found some of the comments here about eHarmony to be unfair. At least in my case. Someone says you're locked down to an ethnic preference, but there are settings that you can change for that. Some people haven't gotten many matches, but clearly some get plenty. As a 40yo male near NYC, I've gotten plenty. The initial set were very good matches also. The first match was a little too distant so we agreed to put each other on unofficial hold for a while. Most matches don't seem to respond and as time goes on, the matches seem weaker... and perhaps that's why they don't respond. :-) Also half the gals are probably a little too young to be a promising match and both sites seem to stretch the distance constraint a little. -- I like the posting of photos on both sites. I don't think it's necessarily hypocritical. It gives you a clue about visual chemistry and saves having an uncomfortable situation later. I do give the matches a benefit of a doubt on the photos. It's not easy to find a good photo some times... especially when you do it yourself. :-) -- I also tend to doubt the claim that eH tends to only serve conservative people. I consider myself to be slightly liberal and I have been matched with gals that I'm pretty sure are more liberal than me. In fact I've been matched with more of those than one's that I think could possibly be more conservative.

I'm glad I stumbled across this website and all of the input that is here from yourselves and other singles. I have an unusual situation that is getting worse everyday and I truly wonder how I can hold onto my sanity. I am a Christian who has listened to the advertisements about e-harmony.com on Christian Radio and wonder if this is what I am going to have to end up with when my better half passes on to cancer. I feel that I am too old (55) to start life all over again (although my wife has tried to prepare both myself and my teenage daughter for the inevitable). She stated to me several weeks ago, that a "man needs a woman," but, a "woman doesn't need a man." I asked her what does she mean by that since we have been happily married for 20-years (we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day in San Francisco). She stated that I should find a young lady to take care of me and yet be a good mother for our daughter. I don't want to think of that, if she should ever pass on. I don't drink or smoke either (although I use to drink a lot when I was single). Eighteen (18) months ago, my wonderful wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had a tumor the size of a volleball removed and had a complete hysterectomy and she's 6-years younger than I. There is no evidence of cancer ever having been in her family. She's Korean and it's unheard of for Koreans to die of cancer (with the exception of stomach cancer due to the hot spicy food that they eat). After going thru exhaustive chemotherapy on two different occasions and then having been turned down 3-times for surgery that she so valiantly needs, I truly wonder if there is "life at the end of the tunnel." Just thought I would give my two cents worth and I'm sorry if I bothered all of you. I have just started seeing a counselor to try and relieve the stress that I am going thru. I hope that all of you find that special person to share your life with.

I've been on match since 10/03 and have sent out a ton of emails with no response. But I've gotten more responses by putting a lot of effort into my profile, being truthful in every way. Try to set yourself apart in your profiles, mention nothing about "long walks on the beach, I'm active, I like to have fun, I'm a single male, Oh boy, this is difficult. Easy going guy, Looking to settle down, etc"---BORING!!!!

But tell the woman what you'd like to do on a first date, like going wine tasting, art festivals, etc. something fun. The guy has to initiate the email, but women seem to respond well by me being witty and charming in the email. I state that I like to go sailing, which I go out a lot during april-sept, and that maybe I'd take her sometime. I then state that we should go to coffee to qualify each other. no long, drawn out exchanges, but go in for the kill immediately.

I've had 2 friends that finally met their S.O. online, but they had many 1st dates and very, very few 2nd dates. This stuff has a 'blind date/lottery' element to it---backing up the "numbers game" notion. I'm sure both parties are nice, but they just don't click.

Meeting someone thru church, school, civic groups and friends is easier, as you get an immediate sense of who they are in person. Everyone seems nice "on paper" ala match, but meeting in person is where the rubber hits the road.

Jim,
Sounded pretty good till I got to the "go in for the kill" part. Other than that it all made pretty good sense to me, having been there done that a few times. This website has been influential in my choosing to not join e-harmony in favor of match.com and Jdate. Too new at it to critique at this point, but I can report back later if anyone's interested. Hearing everyone's comments re experiences with these services is fun and informative. Keep up the good reporting, guys!

i was told not to go to these online dating.com things but reading these comments made me think twice about spending my money. im told if you meet someone, it would be unexpected and the last place you would look.i think i'll that way-bobby

hey, thanks for real life info! What about the site Adultfriendfinder.com? Again hi to everyone that visits this.

My experience has been that those who call themselves Christians don't know what it really means! Who knows whos this Dr is who has the website Eharmony? What are his credentials, and what does he do to match anyone? Even churches are meatmarkets. I have gone to a big church and I am approached by countless men who attend church just to meet women. The first thing they look at is my chest and my legs! I am looking for substance, intelligence, kindness and strength, looks are okay, but the soul is where it is at!

By the way, any of you in Austin, Texas? I am looking for someone to have fun with, chat with, go out to dinner with, picnic, fish, and even cook an occasional dinner for. I am seeking a male who is around 50, in good health and is able to do be spontaneous! I am 5'4", 120 lbs, green eyes, auburn hair, write, read, play guitar and have a great sense of humor. I also know what the word "LOVE" means in the greek: 'to be in harmony and in agreement with something or someone'. In other words, let people be who they are and either accept them they way they are, or move on! Substitute that definition where ever you find the word love in the bible and you will revolutionize your life for the better.
Good luck all, and why don't we use this site to find each other? Nice idea and it is free, doncha think?

I forgot, go to my www.daveylee.com/berdie/ and see my profile and pix. If you are an Austin man interested in talking, meeting, etc., my email is berdie@ev1.net, we can be friends who don't bs each other.

I can see it now...www.musematch.com

Stranger things have happened :-)

I'm a male in my late 20s living in LA. I've been trying eharmony for about a month. So far, the "scientific matching" doesn't seem to be a big improvement over less scientific methods. Some matches aren't really my type, some are decent (but not stellar), and many others just don't stand out in their profiles. How many times must I read that someone is "passionate about living life to the fullest" or "enjoys a quiet night in as much as a night on the town"? I wish women could be a little more descriptive and original (I'm sure the same is true for men).

So far, I've had a few correspondences going, but nothing that's led to a date yet. Usually, we have a few back and forths, then the woman just stops communicating with me, which is a behavior that, even though it seems to be standard conduct in online dating, I still find a little rude. Couldn't she at least say, "thanks, but I don't think you're my type"? If you want to try online dating, be prepared for a lot of flakiness.

One of my friends just signed up for eharmony, and is trying an approach different from mine, where he just writes to everyone that's not a blatant "no", regardless of whether they seem interesting or not. His point of view is that the "writing" phase is useless and that you just have to get to the "dating" one. I don't entirely agree -- I signed up for this in order to go through less of that, but maybe I'm being *too* selective -- we'll have to see how his approach works out.

I do find eharmony a little fishy in the sense that it doesn't give you many matches right away, then throws out a bunch of them once you sign up for the service. What is it doing to "find" matches? Did these women join the service after me, or did the eharmony computer just not let me know about them right off the bat? I actually hadn't heard about the site being heavily marketed to Christians, and that raises my eyebrows a little. I'm more of an agnostic, and signed up just because of all the ads I'd been seeing. If there's any religion involved in the "science", that would definitely bother me.

Wow, After reading all the comments on E-Harmony, I will not be giving them the $99. What a joke. It sounds like a highly manipulated process designed to keep charging your card as long as possible. I've had some success on Match and a little on Lavalife so I intend to stick with them. Its a numbers game. I'm a 39 yr old guy and finding a good mate is not easy but I'm not giving up anytime soon.

Wow, talk about depressing! Does anyone actually meet their match on eharmony or match.com? I've tried both websites myself, with mixed results.

The first time, I signed up for match.com. That was back before they wanted to differentiate themselves from all of the other "me-too" match sites by adding all of those personality tests that you can't get enough of now. Got a lot of "looks," but if there was any communication, as a male, I had to be the one to initiate it. I contacted between 20 and 30 women, and received just 1 response. I contacted her again, but never received a reply. I don't know if these women had allowed their memberships to expire, or simply couldn't place me in their frame of perfection. Whatever the case, I shortly lost my interest in matching-up with someone through match.com.

I tried eHarmony next after hearing a couple of Dr. Warren's radio ads. I was surprised when I actually received a steady stream of profiles over a 2 month period, and further surprised when many of the women initiated communication with me. One of them remained a steady "pen pal" for 2 months in the open communication phase, before we mutually decided that things weren't going to go much further. We did seem to have some things in common, though. But that was generally more of an exception than the rule. Most of my matches through eHarmony were almost nothing of the sort, both in terms of personality and interests.

Right before I decided to pull the plug on my membership, I received two matches from my hometown of Akron, Ohio. However, I was immediately "put on hold" by both. I had thought that being from the same city might have at least worked as a conversations starter, but alas, it seems not. Somewhat annoyed, disappointed and out of free membership time, I figured it was time to face the "beg notices," and so I decided to call it quits on eHarmony.

Call me impatient, but somehow, I was actually expecting near-instant matches with at least a handful of women, if I was to believe the advertising. Obviously, I'm only looking for one woman, but if she was on either of those websites, they probably kept her from me in the hopes that I'd hang around as a cash cow/subscriber. In any case, I'm not terribly optimistic about finding a match on either website. But just for fun, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to put my profile back out on both websites as a non subscriber, and see if maybe I'm lucky enough to get a response from time to time. You never know. I've already had 100 "looks" and 1 "wink" on match, and one match on eHarmony. Oh, wait. She put me on hold. Okay, so what else is new?

In summary, I think the entire online matching game is just that. Yes, I said it -- It's all a game. It's really not much different than the real world, whether it's Friday night at the club, Saturday night in a smoke-filled bar, or Sunday morning sitting on the pew in church. No matter where you're looking for someone, your expectations are automatically going to be ridiculously high. It's because most of us possess this absurd ideal of "The Perfect 10" or "Mr. Right" that we carry around in our minds. If we go looking for *that* person, we will never find him or her. It's a lot like the story I heard once, about the man who searched all over the world to find the perfect woman. He eventually found the perfect woman, but was promptly rejected by her? Why? She was looking for the perfect man.

For this reason, I've decided not to take the "game" seriously anymore. I've always had my best fortune with finding dates when I wasn't even looking for them. They found me. And you know something? I was often pleasantly surprised by them, because they didn't necessarily fit my "ideal" vision of the lady I'd like to have in my life. Each one of those women was beautiful in her own way, and it made me seriously reconsider the ideal that I carried around in my mind prior to meeting them. Of course, I'm not suggesting that anyone do what I do. But if you've read to this point, at least you know what my thoughts are for this subject.

I will say, though, that the personality profile eharmony came up with for me seems pretty accurate. Assuming others feel the same way about their assessments, there must be something to the company's research.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to post my profile here, either.

At 6'2, I'm John, from Akron, Ohio. I like to think of myself as that "creative, intelligent type" someone earlier mentioned that she finds attractive. At any given moment, my head is swimming with ideas. If only I could choose one of them and follow it with all of my heart and intensity. But which one? Alas, I am a bit of a dreamer too. And that's a good thing. I dream of all the ways that I'd like to spread good will amongst my fellow man and help to make this world a better place.

When I'm not dreaming, I'm working one of two jobs, and finding time to create a third that will eventually take the place of the first two. The first is full-time, boring corporate drudgery. The second is teaching kids, which I enjoy very much. The third -- my own company -- is in the works.

I'd like to think that my idea of fun is pretty down to earth. I enjoy a good game of bowling or billiards, and I'm not too shabby at chess. I'm no party animal -- I won't even touch alcohol -- but I do like to get out and socialize often. Sometimes, I simply enjoy a nature walk through the park. And from time to time, I do like to take random road trips. (Who doesn't?)

My ideal woman. She should be many things -- All of them honest reflections of her heart and soul. Be yourself. In any friendship or relationship, that's what matters most.

I joined eHarmony a month ago and have received at least 50 matches. Not all of those people I have wanted to meet, maybe a small handful. But I have to warn, and I am prefacing this by saying that both woman and men can be players. On the advice page, eHarmony answers questions, and one person asked if they can weed out the players and eHarmony says this type of person would not be willing to go through the questionnaire process. Not true. One of my matches was very clearly a 'player' type at our first meeting - he made suggestive comments during dinner, flirted with the waitress and I had no doubts what his motives were. During our ititial guided communication, he never completely answered any of my questions about communication, what a strong relationship means, what he's looking for, etc. So I knew what he was about.

I think eHarmony can be good for those who are really serious about using this type of thing to find a compatible partner. It doesn't guarantee that your matches all will be 'the one', and I seriously suggest doing additional screening even after meeting your matches face to face. I've learned the hard way that some people lie about many many things, which is sad.

Joined eharmony around mid-February after having received lots of "matches," of which I chose about 5 to respond to...never got any replies. I'm one of those 65ers. So I can appreciate an older man. But, heck, don't think the feeling is mutual. Oh, yes, I spent a weekend preparing answers for the first three questions I received from someone who wanted to communicate. Another few hours went into my questions directed to him. His reply...Yikes to my first question. Double Yikes to my second. When I asked for an explanation...I never heard from him again. What a jerk! That's the only person who wanted to communicate with me. Next, I get a response from eharmony today to my complaint, stating I might not get more than 3 or so matches over a six month period...if even that many...and that it could take a year even to find my "soul mate." Having received 15-20 matches before I joined and experienced dwindling numbers afterwards, I think somethings fishy. I'm in for the class action suit. I so appreciate all these comments...definitely lowers my expectations from this site. How many others feel the same and have had no voice. By chance I looked for e-harmony +feedback on the web and found you all. Hey, we're all special and that's good. Can you believe I spent $99 for this on a 2 for 1? Sorry I hadn't read up on it beforehand. I'll think twice before I do this again!

Well, after my eharmony date with the dullest man on earth, I got matched up with a guy 5 years younger than myself, who promptly closed the match because I was too old for him, and I am now matched up with one more "silver fox" type ... the kind of guy is who a retired financial advisor or something-or-other, who wears Ralph Lauren polos tucked into his neat belted khaki shorts and Italian loafers without socks. Probably goes in for "pampering-the-woman-who-looks-after-herself,-body-and-soul, long-walks-on-the-beach-type." Sorry ... not MY type ... not interested in being an arm decoration for an aging Romeo.

eHarmony has absolutely no clue! They seem to think that if two people both like to resolve conflicts and then drop them, that makes them soulmates. Man, that's annoying!

Anyway, I don't suppose there's anybody in Florida looking for a fifty-year-old mom of school age children (OK, I'm a late bloomer), creative, intelligent, with a sense of humor? I'm not doing a terribly great job of looking after myself body and soul because I am busy picking dirty socks out of the potholder drawer, and I know it's terribly shocking, but I haven't had painted toenails since I was a child. But I do read, write, work, do digital animation.

Oh, and best advice: don't spend your $99 on eHarmony.

Hello all,

My name is J.P and I have read this entire page about the likes and dislikes about online dating sites. I too, had some bad experienced with match.com and especially e-harmony but I will not get into all the specifics because most, if not all, of them are posted in this thread already.
I would like to take the opportunity though, to inform you guys of my new online dating site available at www.girls4ballers.com. I think my site has everything that match.com and e-hoarmony.com don’t have, which is soul!

We’ve made our registration process simple but effective unlike e-harmony and match.com worthless10 page questionnaires. I believe that it’s not about taking online personality testes or filling out thousands of questionnaires to find that perfect date. It’s really not, I just can’t believe that people would pay $99 per month just for a date. Our philosophy here at girls4ballers.com is to start by finding something in common with that potential match. Based on our independent research, it is proven that every member on or that come to girls4ballers.com will have something in common and can relate to one another needs and wants. What better way to start to find something in common with someone than music, have you ever heard of the saying music brings us closer? G4B offers each member the ability to upload five of their favorite’s songs, whether it be pop, rock or country there will be somebody interested in listening to your soul.

Right now we are offering one months free membership which includes the following features:
Free Live Chat
Free Instant Messaging
Free Photo Profile
Free Five favorite music uploads to add your profile
Free 2-way Matching
Free MailBox
Free Access to the Member area forum
Free Access to create your own photo Album
Free personalize email account. Coming soon..
(Escort services will soon be available for those of you who need a hot date for a special occasion, but don't have the time to find one.

The normal membership fee is $20 per month unlike match and eharmony high rates.

I hope to you see all soon……….good luck!

J.P. Dude. There's a tiny flaw in your marketing plan. No self-respecting woman is going to even link to a site called "girls4ballers", must less expect to find a decent relationship there. It's ... uh ... kind of insulting, you know, sounds like you're trading women like pork bellies or something. You might want to rethink that.

On the other hand, maybe the pork belly thing is where you're headed, don't know. Still, you gotta know that if women want a "hot" date, they generally don't need to get online to do it. I'm just saying.

anima

I came here because of my frustration with eharmony. I have been on for 6 weeks - (I got 3 months for 1 deal) and I hate the site. My profile is not at all accurate although it's hard to tell since the profiles are so generic they could be about anyone. And although I get quite a few matches - none of them are anywhere close to my type! If I was looking for someone wrong for me I couldn't do better then eharmony has.

Either they just match me to everyone my age or their process is broken. One thing you have to keep in mind is they supposidly base it on "personality" and you aren't supposed to care about lifestyle. Guess again - lifestyle is very important. None of these people have my world outlook or my interests. They either love sports (I hate sports) or they're religious fanatics (I'm not religous) or they're just very boring and conservative. Only one guy I wrote to for awhile because at least he was intelligent. However he kept telling me I should "relax more" apparently he was turned off because I actually go out and do things and need some challenge in my life. And he eventually closed me off. Then there was a guy whose deathly allergic to cats and wrote to me even though my profile says I have 3 cats! He said in his 1st letter - I hope you're not one of those maladjusted women who's completely obsessed with your cats. He seemed to expect I'd get rid of my pets for someone I hadn't ever met and had absolutely nothing in common with and if not I'm maladjusted.

The way eharmony is run is like a prison camp. Any complaint you have they tell you how you have to do things their way. It's very very rigid. And they have no interest in what the customers want. None. They have wildy bogus claims about how the matches are perfect for you - and not one has been a person I'd want to spend 5 minutes with. The only reason I haven't left is that my paid time is not yet up.

Don't pay - don't join. If you join a site join one that you can choose for yourself. You know the kind of person that you like and eharmony does not.

Sandra

anima, well i didnt think my site is insulting, at least i never thought of it that way. my market sector is the hip-hop/urban community and between ages 18-30 so if you don't know much about that culture and lifestyle then i would assume that you would say something like you u did.

can you please explain in what way my site is insulting to ladies?
www.girls4ballers.com

-J.P

JP

The name! What does that even mean? Baller?

The only related term I know of is a rude one. I guess your limited target market understands it and that's fine but for the general public it does sound very rude.

I would certainly not go there and in fact I thought your whole posting was a joke.

Sandra

Hi
Eharmony is a BIG WASTE of money ..they offer you a free week. Well 4 days into my free week(had to pay 49.95 to "try" free week) I ask for a refund. They sent me 3 matches which 2 closed me out 1 didnt write back ...so Eharmony would keep me hanging that week so I would NOT be able to get a refund.
I read the instructions for closing an account ..BE CAREFUL if you pay a one month memember ship fee they only have to give you 1 match(49.95 for one match???) you would do better on a street corner with a sign.
HERE is the BIGGEST insulting situation. When I said PLEASE give me a refund (with in the first 7 days) They sent me back this long letter how they are experts in matching etc. AND GET THIS they offered me a FREE travel voucher so that when I meet my soul mate I would have a 100 dollar travel voucher. WHAT does that mean???? I find eharmony insulting.Ha how far will I get with a 100 dollar airline voucher????
EHARMONY is a big fat scam!
good luck to any one that tries it & then decides they want their money back

JP,

Since you requested further clarification: 1) women don't like to be called girls. That's insulting all by itself. 2) It really does sound like a prostitute service. You can't see that? 3) From a strictly business standpoint, search engines often have blocking settings, and you will have to rely on search engines because yours is an internet-based business. But search engines may not even report your result because they may identify your site as a porn site.

Hey, it's a free country. And you're right, I'm too old to be in your target market. But even when I wasn't, and was hot and looking, I wouldn't have even thought about going to a site called girls4ballers. And that's all I'm saying 'bout that.

anima

Anima, I'm with you all the way. Whoever thought of the name Girls4Ballers needed a lifeguard at the gene pool. Class will tell, as my mother used to say. And these guys are lacking it in stunning abundance. Maybe their intro package should include girls getting balled 4 free - but then again, we can do that (if we want to) without joining any dating-matching service!

Andrea

Finally I found a forum to share my eharmony gripes. Although I had over 100 matches during my two 3-mo. memberships with eharmony(2002,2003), clearly it wasn't worth the time and emotional effort. For one thing, only about 1 in 6 of my female matches made a photo viewable at the beginning of a match, while on the other hand I always had my photo available right up front.

I think photos are essential to a matching service and should be mandatory. Who wants to work thru the match process in the dark? I reached the open e-mail communication stage with four of my matches but after a while the correspondence always faded out--how much can you say in e-mails? I would far more value a
30-minute cup of coffee with a prospective mate than a 100 e-mails. That's another problem I had with eharmony--my most interesting matches always seemed to live a thousand or more miles away. If I cut down the matching area to my state the numbers went way down.

Some more hardcore facts eharmony won't tell you...certainly not in those phony radio ads...

- A recent Time magazine article stated that eharmony boasts 3 million members and has had some 2000 marriages resulting from their service. Let's say conservatively that each of those 3 million members gets 10 matches--that's 30 million matches vs. 2000 marriages, making the odds 1 in 1500 of a match leading to marriage (the real bottom line). Great chances, eh?

- As other posters have pointed out, there may be millions of eharmony "members" but how many of those are actually paying members eligible for match communication? I know I had a number of matches who just left me hanging--maybe they couldn't respond because they weren't paying and eligible to participate.

- Would you believe eharmony once sent this email to male members?..."Dear (Male), There's great news for eharmony men: At eharmony, women outnumber men two to one. And you have matches waiting right now."

Ladies, how does that make you feel? Real straight shooters, aren't they?

Take it from a veteran single person...eharmony may seem exciting at first but for the vast majority of users it turns out to be a waste of time, money, and emotional effort.

My eHarmony experience sounds typical. I've gotten over 60 matches in the last month, but only 11 of them gave any sort of response at all. (I think I ended up closing most of the others due to lack of responses, or because the woman didn't answer at least half the questions in the profile--I'd guess about 15% of the profiles were woefully incomplete, usually indicating she isn't a paying customer.)

Only one went all the way to "open communication", and she mysteriously stopped writing after the second letter. Dunno why... no matter, we didn't seem very compatible anyway.

Most of my matches are very similar. 70+% of them are nurses. Very, very weird if you ask me.

I don't buy the income/height/race/whatever theories, as my matches were all over the place in those categories. I'm an atheist, so that doesn't seem to have much to do with it either.

I'm not very impressed so far, although it's been better than places like match.com. I think they need to let people know if the other person is a paying customer--I know I get annoyed at not hearing from matches, and it'd be nice to know why.

Eharmony doesn't want you to know if they are "real" customers or not. They want us to write to them --in order to get them to sign up and pay.

I'm beginning to notice strong similarities in my "matches" also. Most are sports obsessed. Their greatest desire is to get a golf partner. I hate golf! And many of them also fish. (I'm a vegetarian.) I know golf is popular but aren't there men who don't live for golf? I could swear there are.

If only I could get them to send me my "bad" matches I'll bet you anything I'd like them better. It seems like everyone is ending up with matches that are totally wrong for them. I think there is something messed up in their silly test and match program. Maybe they figure opposites attract?

Sandra

Eharmony--Ewasteofmymoney!

My *matches* loved hiking, camping(I hate the outdoors due to allergies) some did not want marriage or children (2 things I listed on my so called profile as MAJOR to me...yet these flakes at eharmony gave them to me as a *match*...of course they do this AFTER the 7 days...so you are stuck with them with a snowballs chance in hell of getting a refund.

Sandra and Amy ...

Same thing here with incompatible matches. All these guys eharmony matches me with love the water (I hate it). They float around on boats a lot. They all like staying physically fit and the outdoors (my idea of roughing it is no room service). BORING! Where are the guys who have INTERESTS? I don't care, building ships in bottles, raising chinchillas, writing poetry, line dancing, anything, ANYTHING! Or could it be that these people aren't as boring as they're made to seem?

anima

Well, I guess I am the dissenter. I joined eHarmony on the 3 months for 1 plan in January. There were many matches that I closed. 2 Reasons mainly: 1) Age...I am 43. I was getting alot of 31-34. 2) Distance.
That said, I did have 2 matches that I communicated with extensively. One, I have communicated with for 6 weeks now. We have emailed, IM'd, and talked on the phone. We have a ton in common from Spritual, to Political, to Career. She come to town today for the weekend and is an absolutely wonderful woman. Sorry you guys have had a bad experience. However for me, at the rate things are going, I may be one of those guys you see on an eHarmony commercial.

Hey! I'm glad I found this site. I'm a 45 year old woman in San Jose, California, and just signed up with eHarmony on March 11.

So far they have sent me 3 "matches": One closed me immediately, even before I knew he existed (his profile states that he is allergic to cats and I have two). Another one closed me after a couple of days without stating a reason (which is OK by me...he sounded a bit too much like the conservative sports-dad type, which isn't my type AT ALL).

The third one, whose profile sounds intelligent and interesting put me on hold after I sent him my "5 questions", stating that he "wasn't sure yet". I hate to be negative, but isn't that a polite way of saying "no, thanks"?

I have not received any more "matches" since the first couple of days after I signed up, even though I increased my geographical range to within 120 miles of San Jose.

What is up? The San Francisco Bay Area is a well-populated region, and you would think that there would be more than three possible matches out there in eHarmony-land. My photo is posted (I'm nice-looking but not gorgeous). I'm steadily employed and a college-educated homeowner with a sense of humor and lots of interests.

I haven't met anyone outside of cyberspace who actually belongs to eHarmony, so I have no one to compare notes with. From what I am reading here, it sounds like the numbers are definitely biased in favor of the men. I've heard men/women ratios varying from 60:40 to 70:30. The age ranges are skewed so that, for example, 50-year-old men are matched with the 32-year-old babes (who mostly would find them to be too old), while the 45-year-old women receive "silver fox" profiles!

Also, I am getting the distinct impression that even though eHarmony admits all religious persuasions, the numbers are also biased in favor of the evangelical Christian population...and if you don't identify as such, you will receive far fewer matches.

I have signed up for three months, and am going to give myself that amount of time to see what happens. I chose eHarmony because it appeared to be a better quality service than, say, Yahoo! Personals or Match.com. However, now I'm not so sure.

Would love to hear any and all eHarmony stories...either posted here or by email!

Mary

I agree: eHarmony is a joke. I just wrote them an email after my membership expired today and I await a reasonable response (though I'm betting it will just be some auto-responder). I think it is ridiculous to charge such a high fee for three reasons:

#1) BOTH parties have to pay to communicate. It should be that to initiate you pay, but once you've started, that's it. One person pays, the rest is free communication, like every other reasonable personals site.

#2) Once you pay to start communicating, you should be able to FINISH the process. They basically locked me out, and when I had a new Stage-4 response today, they sent me to a subscription page and I have to pay again just to read it, not even counting sending a response back.

#3) I have no idea whether or not who I am sending to has subscribed - meaning I don't know who is a waste of my time because they can't respond until they pay. Most of my responses were completely ignored - and since they didn't bother to close me, I'm betting it's not disinterest, but that they simply haven't subscribed. What is the point of paying for a service to contact a dead end?

eHarmony was completely useless and of the two TOTAL responses, I have yet to even get as far as an email address. And, now I'm locked out! At this point, I have a better chance going to a foreign country where I don't speak a word of the language and still finding someone interesting to date!

I once read somewhere don't trust anyone with 3 first names. Anyway Dr. Neil Clarke Warren is behind a total fraud IMHO. Does anyone else think he talks kind of funny? They offered me the $9.95 2 week deal soi I signed up. When I attempted to match then there were no matches. But a day or 2 later the matches started. Most of the women were too far away or too young or too old or too tall. I am 5'7" and someone 5'10" makes no sense with all there superduper scientifically designed question crap they sent me this person. Anyway I chose some women to respond to and I started the process. Soon during the questions phase I was able to put in my own question to I said read the following sentence and I gave my email address in words. A woman emailed me telling me how creative I was but did not want to break the rules as she put it. The rule was in her head as nothing said I could not do this. She emailed me again with kind of a repremand so I terminated the communication with her. The next day I got this email from eharmony where they were checking their system and found my "innapropriate" communication and were cancelling my membership. No big deal. But I do think the whole thing is a big fraud. Sure some people have met and married but that could happen with the worst service. All in all eharmony is one big scam designed to separate lonely people from their money.

Peter

That's really odd. Why should they cancel you for sending your email address? They never say you can't do that. If she doesn't want to use it that's up to her.

I was "matched" with a guy who had his phone no. in his profile! I thought that was pretty stupid of him but still if I don't want to call it I don't have to.

Now the guy who talked about how big his.... appendage.. was in his profile - that was inappropriate. But I didn't report him. I think it's better people seeing right up front what a jerk he is.

Sandra

Men vs Women

After reading here and elsewhere that there are twice as many women as men on eharmony - I sent a long question to them regarding that.

They wrote back that they were glad I asked and that the ratio of men to women was .47 to. 53.

Sandra

Hi Sandra - interesting stat on the ratio of men to women. If the proportion is so close to even, it must be that some members are more "matchable" than others! :) Perhaps Dr. NCW is monitoring this site and sussing out which of us is "obstreperous"!!!!

Big brother is watching you! :))))

eharmony is the worst internet dating site that I have experienced. Anyone interested in pursuing possible legal action against eharmony email me privately at eharmonyisafraud@hotmail.con

holy crap!

i just came on this site looking for free promo coupons so i could send my 'soulmate' some.... friggin ready made questions--WTF?! man i'm glad i got the scoop on eharmony. from what i've ready, you can't even get their email address after dropping your hard cold cash-- even if you want to?! that's riCOCulous.

i DID find it rather bizarre that they didn't ask me for a sexual preference and I also found it particularly strange how faith driven a lot my matches were. eery. i thought i might have just been feelnig particularly 'touched' as i filled out the mind proble last night.

i have always thought of these dating online things as scams. i mean people get into this just like everything else for the money. and here they KNOW that they have a market of people who are looking for that 'soulmate'. and if you think about it, if you could be garaunteed a soulmate, what WOULDN"T you really do to find him/her/it? drop $50...$150... fly across the country?

and then they have answer all these long questionnaires-- just building you up--- getting you more and more invested in the situation. more invested in coughing up the money. (ie, we are not like other organzations that waste your time, we want to make SURE that you are really committed to finding a 'soulmate'. -- Are you really a sucke---ahem despera---erm committed to finding the LOVE YOUR LIFE?!!! yeah?! really? who's with me?! then pay $50-- minimum-- and we'll talk from there)

if this really were a christian driven organization and the founder really thought he was doing something positive for his community shouldn't it be a break-even type of business. i'm always wary of anything or anyone out to make money.

unfortunately this seems a lot more dollar lusty than other organizations that don't have you take that long mind probe. if they really wanted you to meet people and have a good time they should just suggest the people who would be good matches for you based on that personality physical and let you write to whomever wanted-- knowing that, in their opinion, you are wasting your time. hey and if it works it works! and if it doesn't and you meet someone who is marriage material and not from their scientifically suggest list, then you can give them some feedback so they can fix their non-functioning equation.

anyway, i got 4 matches since i signed up last night. they are all out of this state. i like to travel so i don't care... they are all older than me (i'm 22) and one of them is jewish (she mentions a haulocaust surviving grandmother-- great(?)grandmother)... and they are all under 25.

i throw these facts in their to dispel any misnomers about the age/religion descrimination. oh and i'm black in case there was any question racism going on.

hm... i think i'm just going to inconspicuously place my email address out there on my profile and see where that gets me.

tj

ps as a male 18-2--whatever he said his demographic was, i think a baller has a very negative connotation. i associate it with a pimp. but perhaps i'm old fashioned. feel free to let me know at hedunnonuthin@girls4ballers.com

pps if anyone knows any REALLY good (as in free) eharmony offers-- please post.

Hey Damian (post of 3/22),

I love your name!

Andrea

I just did the 'relationship questionnaire' on eharmony after seeing a TV ad where a woman says 'I had given up on ever finding anyone, then joined eharmony.' That sucked me in! I'm so glad I found these comments BEFORE forking over the big bucks, which I probably would have done. I am especially disappointed, but unfortunately not surprised, to find that they have a conservative/Christian bent. Not for me!

As an over-educated agnostic mid-30s woman with an addiction for the outdoors (you'd think it would be easier to meet men given the ratio of men-women hikers & backpackers, but it's not!) I think I'd be a good candidate for a "non-matchable" dating site!

Hi all -
online dating isn't always doing much good... I've been on eharmony for less than a month, and although I have plenty of matches, many that are extremely interesting to me and I'd love to meet up with, they are all hundred and hundreds of miles away from me. I've had only two matches close enough to meet if I wanted to, but neither was my type. So bottom line, not a great help. I do enjoy not having to sift through so many profiles though.

Match's attraction science is useless. I've tested it with male friends who are attracted to me: when they create their profiles, the attraction match up shows that I'm NOT AT ALL their type and vise versa, even though I definitely consider them my type.

By the way, if you worry that your match can't return e-mail because they aren't members - try dropping your e-mail in your letter. Use a yahoo address to protect your identity.

E.

Have you heard about some type of conspiracy on Match.com? Supposedly there are people paid to "wink" at people who have profiles posted, but not paid. They then write to their winks, but never meet... Hmmm...I don't think I am paranoid, just curious.

D.K., yes, absolutely. (Though I'm sure match.com doesn't do it "directly".) I got a number of "winks" in the month before I paid for a one-month subscription... then it mysteriously dropped to zero. Soon as the subscription lapsed it started again. :) Um, like, isn't that just a *bit* obvious?

I'm not paranoid either, just realistic. Anything they can do to encourage people to pay is worth it.

Online dating seems to be a complete ripoff AFAICT. I don't personally know anyone who's had any success with it, though I do know plenty of people who have tried it--and most of the time I hear pretty bad horror stories. I'm just going to let my subscriptions run out and that'll be the end of that, because it hasn't been worth the amount of time, energy and money I've invested in it over the last two years.

mmmmmm....gives one pause....I had a free trial membership from eharmony late last year. I communicated with a few women. I let it go because I wasn't really sure that I wanted to enter into a new relationship at the time. Now that I am seriously looking for a serious relationship I was considering rejoining....and paying. I guess this just illustrates that relationships are hard work no matter what the source. Plus ça change, plus ça memchose! Since this has turned into a communication route...feel free to to write!

What's with that wierd way NCW talks. And those hand motions. Just like a huckster snake oil salesman. And that giggling couple that declares that every night is like a sleep over. What crap.

A friend of mine in NYC was a member of eHarmony and when we traded stories they were similar - and it's frustrating that you'll take the time to send questions back and forth but never hear a word again from them. I just close anyone out who sits there longer than 2 weeks, no point pushing it. We came to the conclusion that our initial "flood" of matches came from their database "warehouse" of people in our area, which is why they dwindled down to nothing after the first month or two. I'm into my second month and probably won't renew. I'm still getting matches, but maybe one or two every other week or so, and have had a total of maybe 60 matches since January, when I completed my profile, but didn't join until the first week of Feb. Funny thing is, I have 3 other girlfriends in my area who are also members of eHarmony, we are all very different in personality - we have ALL been matched with the same 10-15 men in our area. We compared notes!!! So I'm thinking eHarmony's match system isn't so scientific after all - they just send them to everyone in one geographic area. I'm not looking for a hundred men - just one, the RIGHT one!

OK.

Here is what I have learned from Match.com......

My experiences with match.com have been horrible. I first looked at the site a year ago, and here it is a year later, and 75% of the women are there now are the same ones that were there a year ago. To me, that is a very bad sign.

Secondly, the ones I have chatted with seem to want to do just that, chat, for months before meeting, which I personally find overkill. They can meet a guy in a bar and go on a date with him the next week, but if they meet you online, they need to chat for 3 months first.

And if you do meet someone willing to go on an actual date, one of 2 things happens. 1) they back out at the last minute with some bullshit story, or 2) you do go out, only to find out you are one of like 10 guys she is dating from the site that month.

I honestly don't think you can find a decent woman online.

Laura -

That's really interesting that you and your freind were matched to the same men at Eharmony! I've wanted someone to test that. Did you all get the same exact list? Or just some of the same men?

If I were you I'd send the info on those matches to a local newspaper or radio show and have them do an expose - because if that's the case it IS a total fraud!!

I have felt from the start they just sent me all the men from my area - because they have NOTHING in common with me or each other. There is no common thread that explains why they were assigned to me.

Sandra

I just tried Jdate for a month. Sucks. Same complaints as above ad nauseum. Any relationship between whom I was looking for per my profile and the "matches" they "sent" me is purely coincidental. Plus, they didn't activate my membership till 2 weeks after I sent them a check, and that was only because I pressured them to get on the ball. Match.com has been a bit better in terms of administration, but it isn't administration I'm looking for. I, too, am totally turned off by anything sniffing of meat market, otherwise I'd be going to neighborhood bars. What's a woman to do? Any success stories, ladies? I'm 59, easily look 10 years younger, college grad, and cute as a button, with a posted photo. About to give up and join that Buddhist convent in Tibet.
Andrea

Now here's a kick! At the bottom right of this page, there's an ad for eHarmony! Some things defy understanding.

anima

heh... sorry about that ad. I'm the writer of this weblog and this particular entry has been the most popular entry by far, so as my traffic started building and my bandwidth started getting closer to where I might have to pay extra, I thought I'd put a couple of ads up - the google ads seemed like the friendliest and least rude of all the ones I could find. Each time someone clicks on an ad I get a few pennies. Anyway, if you guys like the weblog, feel free to click "main" at the top of the page and see what else I write.

Hello Tunesmith - Thanks so much for providing this weblog, an invaluable avenue for us to vent about these silly technocratic dating services and the silly technocrats who run them. Many of us who might have plunked down precious coin of the realm on these services are instead reading about other people's experiences and saying uh-uh, I don't think I want to waste my money on that. And you, Tunesmith, have been the conduit that allows us to do this. Thank you. Everyone, please read Tunesmith's message and click, click and click again on these Google ads at the bottom right of this page to give him his "few pennies" to keep this weblog going.

I just tried to remove my credit card number from my eharmony account to be *certain* they would not charge me when my time ended and it won't let me! It says I *must* have a card number listed!! Why is that Mr. Christian values dude? I paid already- I am NOT going to sign up for another month -why do you have the right to force me to have a card number there? Boy o boy I hope someone in the media gets on this story and prints a real article about them to warn the public.

Want to know something else hokey about eharmony. They go on and on about how they match you on all these factors but they never say what they are --even when they send you a match. They list 3 "important items" you have in common. Like some typical examples of what they are?

Freinds

Conversation

No kidding. Freinds. Oh we both have Friends? Or do we just want to have freinds? How rare. Conversation? This is a basis for a match???? aren't these things all humans have in common?!

If they HAVE all these detailed things they are matching on why do they refuse at any point in time to tell you what they are!

Sandra

Thanks everybody for your comments, and tunesmith for making this all possible (I clicked on all the ads so you could earn your pennies). After 2 serious relationships that went nowhere eventually, with men I met on dating services (one through a local Jewish newspaper; the other from matchmaker.com), I have been taking an enjoyable "vacation" from dating. The eharmony ads caught my attention because they purported to be "different". I did the free profile and it was pretty accurate, but I kept dragging my heels about forking over any money (not ready to pay so much money to end my "vacation"). Now that I've read all your postings, I can continue to vacation happily and with more $ in my pocket. Thanks! And hi Jeff - I'm in San Diego too.

I was a member of both Match.com and Eharmony. I met a few people on each, but nothing really happened. One was a complete nightmare. Any way I find it very interesting that when my Eharmony membership was about to expire 3-4 days before the next month. A match would come through. We would talk back and forth. Then it would stop. So you have to decide if the match is worth the next month payment. I did a couple of times continue and the match never responded again. this happen 3 months in a row. Anyone else find this happening? I think that it is very interesting.

I too am a member of eHarmony. I have found that this service is no more haphazard than all the blind dates friends and relatives have set me up on.

My friends and relations tended to misrepresent (though not maliciously) our personalities. After all, who could ever hope to live up to the hype they created (especially when you don't know what they said).

For example I consider myself an artistic type but my relatives would always represent me as an insurance broker. Now I used to work for an insurance company but not as a broker and I would not choose to define myself that way. I saw these computer dating services as an opportunity to present myself in a manner I was more comfortable with.

I guess because I had to shell out some of my own cash for the service I decided to change my attitude and approach to dating as a whole.

I am by nature a skeptical cynical person. I found that I needed to fundamentally change this aspect of myself to make this work. I needed to believe that my potential matches were people just like me who are generally decent people living out their lives who wanted to meet people in a slightly more structured way than a bar or even match.com.

I did play the numbers game at first and set my settings to receive the greatest possible matches. It quickly gave me a sense of what was out there and made me define more specifically what I was looking for.

And I don't mean height, weight and interests. For me, I found I wanted someone who had interests that they were willing to talk about. I found that to find this kind of person, I needed to be willing to be this kind of person too.

I guess my point is that you shouldn't expect it to land in your lap. That you have to be willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable to someone who may not "get" you. That said, the best thing eHarmony offers is a way to painlessly get out of a situation you don't want to continue. If they closed you out early, better to find that out now than later on.

So far I've only met one person face to face from eHarmony. She's a terrific person and we're still negotiating our relationship (complicated phrase meaning we have some chemistry and are trying to work out some awkwardness).

Had she been my first match, I doubt we would have gotten this far. I had closed out or was closed out of 54 matches for various reasons before we were matched. By then I was much more willing to give of myself and more open as a person.

If nothing else, eHarmony has helped me understand myself better and through my interactions with my matches helped me to be a better person... the kind of person I really want to be and am capable of being.

eHarmony is by no means a silver bullet. It's just another way of meeting people. Even though you figure that they probably have the same intentions, you'll never know until you contact them.

Personally, one of the more fun things was trying to figure out why eHarmony matched me with a certain person. I was lucky, I had a friend who was also on eHarmony and we'd compare notes about our matches which helped us gain some insight into their matching process.

I truly believe that how much success you have is directly related to how much effort, honest and risk you are willing to put into this endeavor. The upside is that you don't have to hide you face from your friends if it doesn't work out.

Words of warning from an eHarmony.com victim.

Now, to be fair, eHarmony.com seems to have a few good things going for it.

First, it does seem to work for some folks who are actively looking for a spouse. Granted, the percentages for successful marriage matches do seem quite low for the size of the reported membership and the reputed high power of the matching algorithms. However, the fact remains that eHarmony.com does work for some folks.

Second, eHarmony.com has a personality profiler that doesn't seem too bad. At least in my case, it wasn't wildly wrong and by and large it fit me reasonably well. I'm not a psychologist, so you need to take that statement with a grain of salt. Some folks say that with a tiny bit of info (and others say with no info at all) it is possible to write a profile that is general enough and sufficiently positive that anyone who reads it would be able to see themselves in it.

eHarmony.com probably was developed by a psychologist. It was extremely effective at suckering me in! The ads are persuasive and establish a level of comfort with the idea of at least checking eHarmony.com out. Once you've arrived at the site, there is a FREE personality profile! Once you have completed the profile, you get to look at it and also discover that they have already found a match for you (in my case it was in the same town where I live — population 7,000)!!! Nevermind the fact that it had finally become clear that this was a marriage matchmaking site and I was only looking for friends. My ego was fully caught! The rationale was that shucks, not every match can lead to marriage, I might just find a good friend just around the corner! And the final clincher was that if I was unsatisfied I could get a full refund if I terminated my account in 7 days or less.

I put up my money for a month's membership and attempted to contact the match. A few days later, I decided to expand my search beyond the local area to see what I might find. What I finally found was that out of supposedly 3 million people in the eHarmony.com system, there wasn't another match on the entire planet! My excitement had come down to normal levels and helped me to reflect on a number of facts: (1)The improbability of a match in my town (the match never did reply) coupled with a failure to match across the entire planet. (2)The fact that one match was available locally BEFORE I joined and none afterwards. (3)The fact that I was only interested in finding friends. (4)$50/month is awfully expensive if you're not looking for a spouse. CONCLUSION: Now that the excitement was gone, it was obvious that eHarmony.com was not the solution for me. No problem, time to close my account within the 7-day grace period.

Now, to this point I was a tad uncomfortable with the way eHarmony.com came on, but shucks nobody's perfect. After this I started to get angry. First problem: finding the refund page. It can be found, but it is definitely not easy or obvious to find. Second: When you get to the refund page, you click and think you are done. Nope, you get an eMail from Grant Langston, Director of Member Relations: "This refund email requires your action. Below are the details of a Free Travel Voucher Offer. YOU MUST REPLY TO THIS OFFER BY CLICKING ONE OF THESE TWO RESPONSES: YES, I want to accept your free Travel Voucher offer and remain with eHarmony. NO, I want to refuse your Free Travel Voucher offer and continue with my refund..."

So, I click on NO and then think that I'm done with my refund. No such luck. I gave them two months to allow the refund to show up on my credit card and then I go back to the website and find that there is a customer service contact page but NO addresses or phone numbers. The contact page is really cute, too. Its set up so that the message only goes to eHarmony.com customer service, there is no way to send yourself a CC for the record, and if you have more than a few words to say, there is no way that you can print the page to show what you sent in its entirety — let alone the date that you sent it! in order to ensure that I had a record copy, I sent my message to them via their customer service page and a duplicate to the source of the refund email, userservices@eharmony.com.

Now came a passel of eMail traffic from Hell. This extract will give you a flavor for what it was like:

To: usersupport@eharmony.com
Subject: Re: Account - General Inquiry [#1693278]

Dear Mike,

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to use the same online procedure that I used o/a 6-8 February 2004, right? Excuse me, but that is the procedure that got us to this point right here! Please tell me why it is going to work better the second time around!  

Let me make this perfectly clear. I AM TRYING TO GET RESTITUTION BECAUSE YOUR "REFUND SYSTEM" DID NOT WORK THE LAST TIME THAT I TRIED IT! And after reading some of the comments about eHarmony.com on eDateReview and MuseWorld, I'm wondering if your refund system is intentionally obtuse and opaque. After all, on the 7th of February I was honestly under the impression that I had entirely completed your refund process. Now, I'm not a genius, but as a college graduate I don't think I'm anywhere close to being stupid. That's why your "refund" process leaves me wondering if it has been intentionally designed to be difficult to understand and use.

Now, on the 7th of February, thinking, in good faith, that I had successfully closed my eHarmony account, I didn't bother to try to get back into it after "terminating" my membership (and if you have a decent system, you'll be able to refer to your system logs to check that I'm telling the truth). Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are trying to charge me for service that I didn't get!

On the 29th of March you told me that I needed to contact a customer rep at http://wcs00188.egain.net/wcscgi/CDM.exe? SS_COMMAND=CUST_SUP&Category=RETENTION. Well, every time I tried to contact someone, Live Contact was down or wasn't able to connect me with a rep. The most frustrating instance was when Live Chat told me that Jose was connected and I wasted 20-30 minutes trying to get a response from him!

Up until I got to this refund hassle, I was favorably impressed with eHarmony. My problem (as I've already noted on the termination feedback messages you provided me) was that it became obvious that eHarmony was strictly marriage oriented. I've just come off of a divorce and am looking ONLY for friends at this time and $50 is pretty steep for friend referrals who are actually looking for romance! If you don't leave me with too bad a taste in my mouth, I have hopes of coming back when I AM looking for a potential spouse. 

Unfortunately, at this point, you are making me wonder if you are: (1) so busy that you can't provide decent customer support or (2) if you're running a scam that deserves to be brought to the attention of my State Attorney General, www.blacklist.com, www.consumeraffairs.com, www.ftc.gov, www.bbb.org, www.fcc.gov, eDateReview, and MuseWorld.

I hope to hear from you later today regarding the status of my full refund. Thank you for your time and consideration.
*********************************

Now obviously, the intent of all the email messages from “Customer Care” was not intended to help a customer who has had an honest misunderstanding of how the refund system works. It is designed to get the customer to go to the computer system and close their account so that eHarmony.com can wash their hands of the irksome customer. By the way, after the month is over and they have “justification” for keeping your money, the refund page is still hard to find but the refund process is really simple and straightforward!

I didn’t have a chance to find out how convoluted their “refund” system might be in the instance of a customer past their 7-day grace period but still within their subscription period. Thank God!

In closing, just by the length of this message, I’m sure you can tell that I’m still pretty angry and feeling pretty used even after about a week of cooling off! My opinion of eHarmony.com, for what it is worth, is that eHarmony.com is running a cold-blooded scam. The successful connections that do result are simply due to the laws of chance — no different than meeting potential spouses in a bar or church or supermarket.

If you want to give eHarmony.com a try after reading this, all I can say is good luck!

tunesmith here again -

it's funny watching you all talk (since I own the weblog I get every comment in my email inbox) because you're all a lot more real that we all feel comfortable being in our profiles. makes me wonder what sort of matchmaking service we'd all really like.

heh... maybe it should just be that the entire service is free, but that if you get married through it, you owe the service TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. :-)

it's really a catch-22 though. people are more comfortable being real if there's no perceived cost of rejection. On a miscellaneous bulletin board, there's no expectation of meeting someone in real life, so, you know, let 'er rip. But I bet if a discussion board like this set up the ability to register location, preferences, and rate each other's comments by how attractive they seemed, everyone would start acting a lot more homogenous.

I'm really fascinated to see all the stories about eharmony. Note that there have been barely any complaints about match.com or the others, comparatively. If there really are backend shenanigans going on like non-existent matches (which could simply be a software bug, actually), I wonder if it's possible to confirm/prove it.

All of you who have had lousy experiences with Eharmony.com: What did you do about it? I just put in a complaint with the better business bureau. They're a member!!! www.bbb.org I complained they had false and misleading advertising. If enough of us complain, their reputation will sink into the toilet where all good turds belong.

Claire

Tunesmith - I'm raising my hand in response to your comment about us not saying negative things in regard to the other matchmaking services. In my experience with both JDate and Match.com I am finding that they both leave just about everything to be desired in terms of matching you up with the kind of people you are interested in meeting. DO ANY OF THE POWERS THAT BE AT THESE ORGANIZATIONS ACTUALLY TAKE THE TIME TO READ WHAT YOU WE LABORIOUSLY AND THOUGHTFULLY TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE? I don't know about you, Tunesmith, but my profile was a very honest and straightforward expression of who I am and the kind of man I am interested in having in my life; otherwise it would be a waste of everyone's time and money. I'd be willing to bet, though, that if I lied about my age or were allowed to leave it blank, I would be receiving some real interest from the opposite sex because I have a great profile and my photo (I believe) shows that I'm fairly easy on the eye. So do I blame the services or do I blame men who, no matter what their age, are looking for women far younger than I? Or maybe the meatmarket society we live in. Anyway, I've become disillusioned with the whole PROCESS, and my pets are looking more companionable all the time.

Tunesmith: There's probably mostly eHarmony discussion here because you're the #1 link on Google for "eharmony sucks". I just signed up for eHarmony (3mo@49.95) a week ago and I've gotten 4 local matches so far, but none have responded to my canned questions. I'm glad I found this site because now I know I'm not alone.

I can't believe eHarmony matches must also subscribe just to respond to me! If I wanted a girl to notice me and I bought her a drink or a present, she wouldn't have to buy one for me too. Why isn't eHarmony the same way? For a more expensive service than Match.com, it doesn't seem like they're providing more value for paying customers.

Even in our "advanced" society women continue to be commodities. Older women are not desirable from the point of view of male fantasy. And the whole system continues because women are willing to go out with me twice their age.

E-Harmony caters to the male fantasy. Although in bars, 22 year-old men try to pick me up, e-harmony would match me with men as old as 57! Not only that, but I can't be matched with younger men because the system does not allow a user to expand the age range in both directions. In other words, for a man to accept an older match, e-harmony would force him to eliminate all the younger ones. Like that would ever happen!!!

What bothers me is the hypocrisy. The following advice comes from the e-harmony website, where the founder is counselling a woman not to be so picky:

"...the narrow age range you require makes it much harder to find someone who is well-suited for you. If I personally introduced you to a 50-year-old gentleman who was attractive and well-suited for you, would you really refuse him just on the basis of his age? I can't believe that you would. The fact is, how a person ages is a function of how he or she lives."

Why doesn't this apply for men as well?

E-harmony is a total hoax. First, they claim they select "compatible" matches, but they don't say on what grounds they measure compatibility. For example, suppose you show up as introverted. Does that mean you are matched with other introverts? Or with extroverts?
Secondly, they put you through a lengthy phase in which you state the traits you "must have" in a mate and those that you "can't stand." The "can't stands" are an exercise in futility. How does this screen anybody? For example, suppose a man states he can't stand a woman who lies and cheats. How many women will say "oops, he doesn't like liars and cheaters; I guess I will withdraw."

Whew...about to sign up for the hefty price of $50 for 1 month on eharmony...I was sifting through sites looking for a promo code to use for a better deal! WOW! I did I up on a deal here when I began reading what I was merely feeling about the guys I've been matched with so far. They don't say much about what I am looking for, and yet I am supposed to dish out $$ to meet them? I have used match.com~I've experienced more negative than positive there, but I don't usually PAY for internet dating, as I let the guys do that and contact me! Call me cheap or old fashioned, but I am worth the small price they pay to meet me! :) Happy Hunting, what do ya'll say we build our own dating site-what a racket! ~Cr8zy

Others have mentioned creating our own dating site here as well. Tunesmith, any ideas? What a hoot that would be! I don't know the logistics of doing this, but it sounds like an interesting and interested group of people on this site. So how about it?

Well, looks like people are getting along pretty well, and some of us have chosen to share our email addresses... so all that's left is for everyone to pay me fifty bucks! Woo-hoo! Yay me!

Let's see. I *am* a web programmer. If I were to start a dating service, what would it look like? I think that the whole thing about focusing on profiles is stupid because they are too controlled. Interaction is better. So what you do is you start a big discussion community where everyone can start any topic they want. People sign up anonymously - no personally identifiable information - but age, gender, and location are required, with other criteria optional. Then as everyone participates in discussions, if you like what someone says, you can start talking privately or something. Maybe that's where the money would come in. Public discussions for free, private messages for like five bucks a connection? Second, it could be like meetup.com in that the service could sponsor face-to-face meetings, for five bucks a head.

Well, that's my idea for a community, but it would take a whole lot of work. The problem with match sites is scaling - none of them make any sense at all until they have millions of members, which makes it very hard to start one up because no one will be interested when it's small.

Any other ideas of what would make a good match site? If not, then if any of you get married, maybe you could buy me something off my