November 10, 2003 and

I recently deactivated my profile due to extreme boredom, but I'm also a sucker for personality tests, and I had it recommended to me that has a really exhaustive one. I took it and it gave me some pretty detailed responses... some of which I disagreed with, but oh well. Then of course you have a free profile and have to pay $50 to gain access to contact people, which is not really a good deal for guys given the low response rate. No , thank you. Although, I suppose that if someone were really smart they could read my description, do some googling on certain key words, and stumble across me here. Posted by Curt at November 10, 2003 03:26 AM

I know what you mean about boredom and filling out questionnaires for the heck of it, but you never know unless you try.

Posted by: at November 29, 2003 12:45 AM

Have you found a site that works better for you? I am wondering if any of these sites really work.

Posted by: SoCaliMom at December 1, 2003 01:47 PM

not really. although I know works for some. I think you have to really work hard at it though. I've met three people in two years I wouldn't really be a representative sample.

Posted by: Curt at December 1, 2003 02:09 PM

Interesting comments, Curt. I just deactivated my eharmony account. The guys they matched me with were way out of my age range...and the ones I did chat with for a prolonged period of time either moved waaay too quickly or not at all. The personality profile was interesting but not worth the bucks, in my opinion!

Posted by: Calichick at January 4, 2004 09:44 PM

I've gotten to the point with net-matchmaking folks that I either want there to be a really good group-activity reason to meet them entirely separate from romantic expectations, or just ignore them entirely. It's just so exhausting when you meet someone in person and find out there's nothing there, sometimes not even for a friendship. I am just not able to say, "I don't want to be friends with you." It sucks. Other times I got busy and then felt silly writing back after two weeks passed.

Did you think your profile was accurate? I didn't like mine.

Posted by: Curt at January 4, 2004 10:01 PM

Hey Curt! Funny thing about all this internet dating scene....sometimes when things are so black and white it doesn't allow the person's personality to show thru. Also, while my personality profile is not 100% to what I feel to be true, it is close enough. The funniest thing about eharmony in particular is how many guys are all about 'honesty"...yet they are not honest enough to say thanks but no thanks and keep stringing you along. Mentioned to one of my long-term clients at work (she works in MA, I work in FL) that I was on eharmony...told me a story how one of her buddies was on eharmony and the guy she was matched with closed her out by saying he was in a relationship. Yet that same day, the same girl got a match from guess who she was matched with...yep, the guy who closed her out on eharmony. That was the whole reason I was lead to this page...was looking for postings from people that were not particularly pleased with eharmony. As for you, what makes you feel you can't say "I don't want to be friends with you"? Is it that you can't say it in person or via email or both? Very interesting comment. anyway, thanks again for the fyi!

Posted by: Calichick at January 5, 2004 09:14 PM

Hi, Calichick--I join you in my disappointment with e-harmony. They promise a "scientific" match, but I've had much better success just getting to know people on other, less expensive sites. Here's what happened to me: I was matched with one guy who was new to e-harmony, and he kept telling me he was getting so many matches that he just couldn't respond to them all. Hmmmm. That hadn't been my experience. So I wrote to e-harmony and asked them for the gender demographcis for my area so I could get a better idea of what I was paying for (i.e., were there three times more women than men on the site?). They sent me a fluffy answer that didn't address the question. When I pressed the question, they said they don't give out that information because dating sites are so competitive. In the first few months, I was "matched" with two guys who didn't respond, two guys who were definitely not even close to a match, and one guy I met briefly. So the way I look at e-harmony is that they charge a lot of money (compared to most other sites), but provide fewer opportunities to meet people because we're trusting that they're matching us well. That wasn't my experience. Many of the things e-harmony matches are things we find out ourselves quickly anyway--sense of humor, whether we like adventure, music, etc. Bottom line: I wouldn't recommend it.

Posted by: Gail at January 11, 2004 07:50 PM

Hey Gail- Have a co-worker visiting from out of town. She met her husband through and her best friend also met her husband through They each got married within 10 and 11 months of meeting, respectively. Seems the online dating process worked for used both of them as success stories. Dontcha just love it when stories end 'happily ever after"?? :-)

Posted by: calichick at January 12, 2004 09:09 PM

Has anyone had trouble closing e-harmony? My friend signed up and received crummy matches - way too old. When we try to cancel (within our 7 day trial period) we have to go to a "live chat" with a rep and every time they act as though they are no longer receiving our messages. I am frustrated.

Posted by: Bonnie at January 15, 2004 12:45 PM

Send an email to Customer Service. They were always good at getting back to me within 24 hours. After I cancelled (ie-had them stop charging my credit card) I never got another match from them...whereas before I got approximately 50 over three months. About 75% of the guys I got were way range is tons of 48-60, several in their late 60's and 2 in early 70's!!

Posted by: calichick at January 15, 2004 07:25 PM

Wow, that was my experience too. I decided last year to tey eharmony because all the other sites were really just men looking for supermodels, or only for hookups till that supermodel came along. I got men with kids (I don't want to be a stepparent), and men who were WAY older than me. One was pushing 70 (I am in my 30s) and said he did not act his age, and started with sexual innuendo right out to prove it. I thought "oh great, a total immature jackass who needs Viagra to look at me." I can get immature jackasses in my own age group.

I do know someone who is engaged out of eharmony, but no one who actually married someone out of any of the other sites.

Posted by: kittymom at January 16, 2004 03:29 PM

I haven't really liked eharmony's matches for me, either. First, I find the profiles too vague anyway - women are less apt to say anything original in their profiles (probably for good reason), it's all "I believe in work-hard, play-hard, and I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh." ugh. I at least try and show some personality in my profiles. I also don't like that eharmony doesn't let me specify anything tighter than their default age range, which is too wide for me. Finally, it asked me pretty detailed questions about my physical tastes in the profile, but it's matching me with people that aren't really even a close fit.

Has anyone tried's new "physical attraction" test? It made me feel better about myself. It said that I was picky, but I was fine with out-of-the-mainstream looks. Also it appears I'm definitely not racist, at least not as far as beautiful women go. So that's comforting. heh.

Posted by: Curt at January 16, 2004 04:03 PM

Heh. I signed up for eharmony a month ago and haven't received any matches at all. Maybe there aren't many atheist women from Ohio subscribed to their service. Of course, I could just have a difficult personality to match.

Thanks for the heads-up on the age thing. I wonder if the out-of-range matches are the result of a flaw in their code, or folks lying about their ages.

If eharmony doesn't work out, I won't bother with Match or any other online dating site. All the other ones seem to mimic the distasteful meat-market atmosphere of the offline club scene. Ick, no thanks.

Posted by: WWaC (West Wind and Crap) at January 18, 2004 05:49 PM

As for the age thing on eharmony...they will change it for you if you complain (ie-ask them nicely).

My preferred ages were 25-38, but given their set up I could only go one way, either up or down. When I got several mid-60-ish guys, I complained...they changed it within 24 hours to my preferred parameters.

Posted by: KMB at January 19, 2004 07:38 PM

E-harmony didn't really work for me and I closed my account. My profile was somewhat realistic but I found their personality evaluation to be very generic and general. "Sally is a nice, easy-going, caring person" and then communication is attemped and reality comes crashing in. I found many people to be non-responsive or not willing to drive 40 miles to meet with someone. I spent two weeks talking to someone only to finally get their picture(I had posted my picture at the start)and trully see who I was talking to. Then there's the other side of the coin with where it's all about the picture. I just have a hard time bragging about myself and with how some people describe themselves. I've met some of woman through and many seem to have a "shopping-network" approach to dating. I started asking myself many times, "Am I the primary date or a backup option this week?"

Posted by: E-later at January 21, 2004 03:16 PM


Posted by: at January 22, 2004 05:00 PM

eharmony... in theory maybe ... A friend of mine was a member and said that I had "requested communication" with her when I had not. This got me to thinking that maybe one reason for the low response rate were bogus or non existant matches. Also the contacts I made didn't seem that great as soulmate material.
so be happy and do the things you like to do and good things will happen.

Posted by: stan at January 28, 2004 05:07 PM

eharmony couldn't even match my ass up. I guess it's cause of my income which is zip zero nada. It ain't my fault i don't have a job. I'm gettin up off my ass and looking for one every week i get a lead on jobs. I have a profile on singlescrowd and Im doin pretty well I haven't even paid for my account yet...ever and I collectively have had over a hundred responses. I'm thinkin of payin for a membership to singlescrowd cause im gettin some major hotties.

Posted by: cuteguy at January 29, 2004 03:11 AM

I signed up at eharmony, and it looked OK so far. I haven't paid yet, I'm still looking around to see if I like it. I was in a situation where another member was a match and requested communication, and I think they might of been busy and flagged me as closed. Well I went to close them as a match, and I expected to be able to keep them as a bookmark and or somehow be able to contact them later. I was pretty shocked to see that I only had the option to ban that person from ever sending me a message again. This is someone I know very little about, and I have absolutly no reason to ban them from communicating with me. I only do that if the person is abusive or harassing me? So I'm assuming if I pay money that I don't get more options, but a paying member could verify this for me. Well I certainly am not going to be paying any money if I am forced to ban people like this. Anyone else annoyed by this?

Posted by: craz3guy at February 1, 2004 09:56 PM

I'm thinking of joining E-Harmony..I live in L.A. and wonder if people out there in L.A. have had any success in meeting quality people. I want to meet women from 40 to 50 yo. Any feedback would be appreciated!

Posted by: Mike at February 5, 2004 05:04 PM

What I find Ironic and somewhat tragic are people who say they are open minded and don't care about looks in their online profiles, but lose interest when they learn I have a physical disability. I have had several people abruptly leave online chat sessions with me when they learn of my condition. One Person didn't even know what a disability was! It makes me cry. I am a nice person with a lot to offer someone if they would just allow me to do so. Best of luck everybody and peace to you all.

Posted by: Rob at February 5, 2004 10:46 PM

Well, looks like the jury is still out on Didn't get a match for about a month and finally when I did, she sent a communication. I paid and joined and responded with the questionaire. Got to the second stage and then was put on hold. big deal. But then got 3 more matches and paid for another month and seems like everytime I get to the 3rd stage, I'm put on hold. Am I being conned? Has this happened to anyone else? I guess only time will tell if these are real matches or just a big setup.

Posted by: whyme at February 6, 2004 01:38 PM

Can we sue eharmony? Get a class action thing going? I think it's a scam which purposely draws out the meeting process and makes it more difficult in order to make people stay as members and keep paying fees. Does anyone know how to start a class action?

Posted by: Brad at February 7, 2004 04:36 AM

I ended up closing my account too - I dragged my feet on the trial until they gave me a free one-month membership, and even then I never got past stage 1 with anyone.

That's interesting that people feel like they have reason to doubt if their matches are actually real. You'd have to have hard evidence of that, though, like a former employee who would confirm it, and internal emails and stuff.

Posted by: Curt at February 7, 2004 04:54 AM

I joined eHarmony in December and got 5 matches right away but was put off by the $50 a month thing because a friend said he got 30 days free. So I wrote asking for the promotional code for the 30 days free and they said there was no such thing. They sent me an offer for buy one month and get one free but I still wouldn't sign up. By the time they sent me an offer to try for 2 weeks @ 9.95 I had 15 matches so I decided to try it out.

I have had close to 50 matches in 2 months and have been matched up with women very close to my age. I'm thinking there are more women then men because my matches say they don't get nearly as many matches as I do. I have recommended the site to others but I haven't met anyone who has had the same success.

They even told a friend of mine he is not the type of person they can match up. I've heard they will not even try to match up atheists or homsexuals. I think my friend is an atheist and we tried to make a new profile going through that whole interview process again for him, this time letting his friends answer the questions the way we thought he would answer and they still rejected him again.

I'm very happy with the woman I have been dating and have asked eHarmony to stop charging my card. When compared to other sites this one is definately different and not for everyone but I'm still going to recommend it to my conservative or christian single friends.

Posted by: Richard at February 7, 2004 12:48 PM

Well, I just re-joined eHarmony today for a last attempt. I'm a single working mother and don't get out much. I really object to the meat-market quality of a lot of the sites, and eHarmony isn't that, but the previous time, I never got to the "real-time" contact stage with anybody. Either they put me on hold for some unknown reason, or they didn't respond and I eventually closed them out.

Also, they make all this noise about "trusting the process", but they tended to match me up with people who tended to be too old, you know, guys who want to "sail off into the sunset," old retired guys who hang around on boats all day, in other words, and as I said, I'm a working mom with kids at home. Not what I'd call a match made in heaven.

Also, a heavy obsession with physical fitness is a big turnoff, but they were matching me up with body-builder types, not the creative, intelligent types I like, so what is up with their "scientific matching process" anyway?

We'll see ... I've got a week to cancel anyway.

Anima in Orlando

Posted by: anima at February 7, 2004 06:26 PM

I used internet matchmaking services until I met my now wife (will be married 2 years in Aug). I am 52; she will be 50 soon (yes, I did snag a young, good-looking woman).

After I was single a while I wanted to be in a relationship, but was astonished to find in my late 40's that there is NO way to discover who is "available." The last time I dated prior to that I was in my 20's, and at that time, it seemed EVERYONE was available, so it really wasn't a problem flirting with someone without meaning anything special by it, but if things began to click ... Well, this method of interacting with the possibility of romance just isn't available to someone in his 40's. I am the boss at work, so there is no appropriate way for me to socialize there. I am a member of a large congregation, but I could never figure out who really was single (many women particiapate without their husbands), and the last thing I wanted was to be inappropriate there.

So internet dating services seemed a godsend. At that time, there was one that offered a multiple choice questionaire that could be used for "computer matching" and many essay questions that allowed participants to express and reveal themselves. After the computer match delivered a sample (I could determine the criteria, including age, to put me in the ballpark of people who might be appropriate), I would read the essay responses of the people in my sample. A woman with little to say for herself gave me no reason to investigate further.

I ended up going on a lot of first dates. I justified it as parter-finding as a numbers game. All too often, I would make contact, have a nice time with someone on the phone, only to meet them and find that we had little reason to be in the same room.

Part of the problem is that I live in a small college town near a large city, and most of the people on the site lived in the city. So I drove the 45 minutes into the city to meet people.

I was constantly torn between my head, which told me to be much more selective in choosing who to meet, and my heart, eager to meet someone. I came to realize that the internet match making was really only busy work that held out the hope of being a way of meeting someone. Things did not go better for me until I stopped using the internet. Using the internet was like looking for something that is lost out in the bright sunlight, because there is more to see, when what you are looking for is waiting in a dark corner. The internet gave me a lot to look at, but none of it was what I was looking for.

I met my now wife after thinking long and hard about what it was I was really looking for. I answered her personal ad in the local (college town) daily newspaper. She told me tonight that I am the love of her life. She certainly is mine.

Posted by: ilan at February 9, 2004 02:26 AM

In my case, I answered all of the preliminary questions for the eHarmony personality profile; I was honest, thoughtful, thorough, and precise with my responses. The result was a "form-letter" stating that I happened to fit in a 2% minority of people that eHarmony just can't match...comforting, to think that out of millions of subscribers I'm just too chronically unique?...Now, I know that I'm introverted and a little shy, but it's not like I gave responses that would have indicated anti-social behavior or emotional instability, etc. Do I really belong in a "non-matchable" group with psychopaths and serial killers?...gee whiz!...Maybe I should start a dating service just for the people that the others turn away!

Posted by: Ace at February 9, 2004 07:07 PM

I am joining the "non-matchable" group of intellectual blondes that intimidate - maybe a bottle of black onyx dye would help.

Posted by: Amy at February 9, 2004 07:36 PM

Another unhappy customer:
I joined Eharmony because I mistakenly thought that this was a CHRISTIAN based dating service where singles could go to meet other CHRISTIAN
singles. I guess the biggest problem is how can alot of these people call themselves Christians and then be such total hypocrites? ie: Lie about their age, string people and judge others on how they look (ie: not 38/24/36.) I even heard about a lady who have corresponded with a gentleman for 9 months and when they met he told her he was no longer interested because she had short hair! From what I have seen so far most of the men are looking for super models. I have had well over 100 matches. I have has the same luck as the gal
who mentioned she was getting matched up with body builder hard body types or they said in their "Must Haves" I must have someone considered very attractive according to todays standards". Why is this even in here? Looks have NOTHING to do with what a wonderful human being someone might be. Why does Eharmony send us matches that are suppose to be "highly compatible" when they are not?
What makes me the maddest are these guys looking for super models, most of them are bald, over weight & over 60 themselves. How dare they? Why does Eharmony match someone up with these jerks? What's Christian about that? It says in the Bible that we are not to judge our neighbors. I had one jerk tell me that all it takes to be a good Christian is to believe in God?! I'd like to know which church taught him that! I can also sympathize with the gal who said she was strung along until someone better came along. That also happened to me. I also feel for the gentleman who was rejected because of his disibility. CHRISTIANS?? I don't think so. I think Eharmony needs to start screening their applicants ALOT better or do a BETTER job of matching people up! Disgusted in Texas

Posted by: Debbie at February 9, 2004 09:31 PM

There's a basic problem with both Eharmony and -- and that is . . . you can't distinguish between members and non-members. On, you can spend hours putting thoughts into your emails and sending them 'into the wind'. Unless the receiver is a member they can't respond, and you'll never know ...

I believe the actual member list for and Eharmony is much lower than advertised. Most folks are just there to look (and fill out the profiles).

Posted by: Anonymous at February 12, 2004 08:23 PM

I've never joined an internet dating service and after reviewing all these remarks, I'm sure I never will. My saddest thought is for a friend who has joined eharmony and met someone on the other side of the country and they're talking of marriage. Now there are many problems with scheduling and meeting families, so I'm really wondering if this "match" is going to work at all. He doesn't seem to want to travel to meet her family, she's already met his............

Posted by: redheaad at February 14, 2004 11:12 AM

When I first decided to do online dating, I knew about Match but was intrigued by eHarmony, based on their commercials. So I went to their site, and some of the language on the 'Testimonials' page - where folks who've married through eHarmony tell their stories - seemed odd. People were saying a lot of stuff about finding someone who "shared their values" or that they felt "joyful" when meeting Mr/Miss Right. I googled eHarmony to get some feedback about the site and - WHOA!! 90% of the links were through Christian single sites. As noted, they will not match gays or atheists. If they called themselves "Single & Evangelical" I wouldn't mind, but I'm really surprised some unsuspecting $99 subscriber (atheist, Jewish, or just, you know, a registered Democrat) hasn't sued their ass or at least gotten the Better Business Bureau involved on the obvious fraud /false advertising issue. Not to mention that posters like Debbie hereabove wouldn't be disappointed with getting matched with supposed "Christians" who turn out to be not that at all. Debbie deserves Christian matches and the rest of us deserve, well, whatever - and right now eHarmony is defrauding both groups.

As an aside: Speaking of eHarmony duping people, I also found negative comments from women who tried eHarmony and noted some interesting parameters (unlike Match and other sites): 1) You are only matched with men who are older than you, 2) You are only matched with men who are taller then you, 3) You are only matched with men who earn more than you, and 4) You are only matched with men who are the same race as you. For example, on Match you can pick any of a gazillion races and ethnic groups to date - on eHarmony, YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED to open your matching to people of other races. Again, surprising 'rules' for an online dating site to have, if you didn't know its extremely conservative background.

Posted by: Shotrock at February 14, 2004 02:38 PM

Shotrock, most of that is completely untrue. I'm a guy that would routinely get matches with women older than me. Plus, I put whatever the equivalent of "spiritual but not religious" is and got plenty of matches. I never got in contact with any of them through eharmony, so it was kind of a dud. And it's definitely not as liberal-feeling a site as, say, spring street networks (like But it didn't seem like some sort of religious conspiracy either.

Posted by: Curt at February 14, 2004 02:54 PM

maybe we sould start a online dating service from this thread. HA! I am trying e-harmony - I hope it is not a scam.

Posted by: cory at February 15, 2004 06:35 PM

WELL! I was contemplating joining eharmony but after reading these posts I have more questions than answers now! Maybe we should post our emails here, (mine is, trmorrow at juno dot com) & start emailing each other!
I'm 44, stable, glass half-full kinda guy, & looking! I have alot to offer my potential soul mate...write for more details!

Posted by: Tim in OKC at February 15, 2004 10:02 PM

I have read a lot of the comments and have found them very interesting. I have yet to find a match with eharmony and yet I do appreciate that they do try to match you up according to personality. I know some of the comments are upset that eharmony is conservative but for those of us who chose to live our lives that way it is nice to find a site that matches accordingly because we have had a hard time meeting people on more liberal sites.To me eharmony or any other site is no different then trying to meet people in person. The effort and the energy it takes when a match doesn't work out is just as draining and disappointing. I think you have to keep that in mind if you really want to use a internet dating site.

Posted by: Pam at February 16, 2004 01:45 PM

Sounds like a lot of us are just fed up with eHarmony. I joined up in 12/2002 and to date, have had just about 400 matches. NOT ONE of these "highly compatible" men have turned out to be compatible. For the men that have been sent to me, they need to feel that "instant click" and they need to feel deeply in love with and attracted to their potential partner. In other words, they are looking for a clone of Tyra Banks or Cindy Crawford. And yet I keep hearing interviews on the local CHRISTIAN radio station about how wonderful eHarmony is and how the matches interviewed on the program rave about eHarmony's success. Go figure.

I am one dissatisfied customer.

Posted by: Julie at February 16, 2004 03:33 PM

Am glad I reviewed all of your comments before spending time and money with E-Harmony. I would much rather meet someone who is uninhibited and honest about that with themselves and others and E-Harmony sounds like it may be too restrictive. Anyway, thanks to all for the information, it is much appreciated!

Posted by: Karla at February 17, 2004 05:11 PM

Eharmony may not be a scam in the strict sense, but it is deceptive. The problem with internet dating is that it is inherently sexual. There's no "getting to know someone" as in an office/school romance. No personality exchanges that lead to an attraction that's beyond the physical. Based soley on a profile (anywhere - or eharmony) you either want to hook up with someone or you don't. Personally, I don't find extremely overweight women sexually attractive. That's not a knock on them as a person, it's just my preference. Eharmony does not require a photo, nor a description of body type, so if appearance is in ANY way important to you, GOOD LUCK!

Therefore, eharmony's endeavour is essentially a waste of your time. I'm sure random statistics work out for them and they get some "hits" wherein the participants are actually happy.

I'm one of the one's that were taken, but damned if I'll renew.


Posted by: Phil at February 18, 2004 04:32 AM

Thank you all. I just happened to find your comments - most enlightening, and very timely. I was just about to plunk down some precious coin of the realm when I stumbled upon some ringing indictments of Eharmony. I think I'll pass. Maybe shave my head, put on a saffron robe and join a convent in Tibet. Until then, thank God I have my pets. I'm Jewish and I've heard some positive things about JDate. Does anyone out there have any input re JDate? I really don't want to limit my search to Jewish men only, but with Eharmony I think I'd be rowing with only one oar!

Posted by: Andrea at February 20, 2004 05:45 PM

Andrea - one of my friends met her husband on Jdate. He turned out to be a friend of her brother's that she had met ages ago and dismissed as not her type. It wasn't until they talked for awhile on Jdate that she realized he was "the one". Several of her friends had really good matches on Jdate as well....last I heard 2 were living together, 1 was engaged and the other was having fun dating her matches. Good luck!

Posted by: calichick at February 20, 2004 10:39 PM

Calichick - Thanks a lot. I just may give it a try. What do you know about Are the membership fees for all these match services pretty much the same? Is anything working well for you??

Posted by: Andrea at February 21, 2004 10:51 AM

Andrea - Both eharmony (I had a paid subscription) and match (didn't pay) were much ado about nothing. Have had the best luck just hanging out at my local sports bar...don't 'do' the club scene...I'm not the "let's get dressed up and dance our butts off" type.

Have met some really nice guys that could be potential friends first and who knows what later on.

As an added plus, have become really tight with the female bartenders...we've become buddies and hang out's good to have friends of both sexes!

Posted by: calichick at February 21, 2004 10:03 PM

eHarmony update ... I kept my subscription and they matched me up with four people. Two didn't communicate at all, one seemed too heavily influenced by the Godfather movies, and the fourth one, I actually talked on the phone with and went to dinner with. He was a nice person, but just about the most boring individual I can ever remember being around. No offense to him, I like a man who is intellectually lively, but eHarmony had no clue that we were about as mismatched as two people can be!

Anima in Orlando

Posted by: anima at February 23, 2004 09:09 PM

Like the other poster above I don't like the "closed match" feature that eHarmony has. I joined and didn't receive any matches right away so logged was a busy weekend so I didn't log in for several days and when I did I had 7 matches. Two were already closed (so I had no way to even say "hi" to them) and since I wasn't a paying member yet I couldn't even let the two men that did request communication with me know that I was interested...not a wink or anything. I planned on joining to give it a try. ( I am so fed up with the meat-market nature of all of the other online personals sites) I had a promo code for three months for the price of one so I thought what the heck...but needed to wait until "payday." In the 5 days I had to wait until of the two most compatible matches for me (after reading profiles and determining interests, lifestyle and personality profiles) closed his match because I didn't reply (within 5 days...their guidelines are to allow 2 weeks for a reply, incase someone is on vacation or something.) That match that closed contact lived local to me and the other lived a couple thousand miles away. I was bummed, he sounded perfect for me. There is no way I can contact him at ALL!

One would think that if you receive a new match you could at least send a wink or something and figure that any NEW matches were probably NEW MEMBERS who were checking it out and hadn't paid yet....and give it some least two weeks to reply. I HATE the "closed matches" thing.

Guess it is his loss though...I am an amazing person who could have been the one for him..and we live in the same mid size city.

I have another 11 weeks to see how it goes and if I will continue to be a member at the renewal rate of $29.95 a month.

Be forewarned...if you sign up you cannot go back and reanswer anything in the personality really think about it the first time. The only thing you can reanswer are the essay type questions...not the personality ones. You CAN change religion, smoking preferences, drinking preferences, height (which is odd, who changes height often) and what your education level is, but other than that and the essay questions you can't change don't get tired and answer in haste like I did on some of the questions...just to get done and see if I had any matches. (Heck, maybe that is how I got a match that is totally illiterate and can't even write a sentence...because I sped through it.) I am communicating with a really interesting, smart man though...who lives 2,000 miles away nonetheless.

Posted by: Cis at February 25, 2004 02:04 AM

I found my wife through, but it took a long time to get to her. I was at the point of giving up and she emailed me.

Posted by: jeremy at February 26, 2004 08:10 PM

I'm on eHarmony and Both for a month. I have to say that I've found some of the comments here about eHarmony to be unfair. At least in my case. Someone says you're locked down to an ethnic preference, but there are settings that you can change for that. Some people haven't gotten many matches, but clearly some get plenty. As a 40yo male near NYC, I've gotten plenty. The initial set were very good matches also. The first match was a little too distant so we agreed to put each other on unofficial hold for a while. Most matches don't seem to respond and as time goes on, the matches seem weaker... and perhaps that's why they don't respond. :-) Also half the gals are probably a little too young to be a promising match and both sites seem to stretch the distance constraint a little. -- I like the posting of photos on both sites. I don't think it's necessarily hypocritical. It gives you a clue about visual chemistry and saves having an uncomfortable situation later. I do give the matches a benefit of a doubt on the photos. It's not easy to find a good photo some times... especially when you do it yourself. :-) -- I also tend to doubt the claim that eH tends to only serve conservative people. I consider myself to be slightly liberal and I have been matched with gals that I'm pretty sure are more liberal than me. In fact I've been matched with more of those than one's that I think could possibly be more conservative.

Posted by: gleeny at February 29, 2004 11:42 PM

I'm glad I stumbled across this website and all of the input that is here from yourselves and other singles. I have an unusual situation that is getting worse everyday and I truly wonder how I can hold onto my sanity. I am a Christian who has listened to the advertisements about on Christian Radio and wonder if this is what I am going to have to end up with when my better half passes on to cancer. I feel that I am too old (55) to start life all over again (although my wife has tried to prepare both myself and my teenage daughter for the inevitable). She stated to me several weeks ago, that a "man needs a woman," but, a "woman doesn't need a man." I asked her what does she mean by that since we have been happily married for 20-years (we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day in San Francisco). She stated that I should find a young lady to take care of me and yet be a good mother for our daughter. I don't want to think of that, if she should ever pass on. I don't drink or smoke either (although I use to drink a lot when I was single). Eighteen (18) months ago, my wonderful wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had a tumor the size of a volleball removed and had a complete hysterectomy and she's 6-years younger than I. There is no evidence of cancer ever having been in her family. She's Korean and it's unheard of for Koreans to die of cancer (with the exception of stomach cancer due to the hot spicy food that they eat). After going thru exhaustive chemotherapy on two different occasions and then having been turned down 3-times for surgery that she so valiantly needs, I truly wonder if there is "life at the end of the tunnel." Just thought I would give my two cents worth and I'm sorry if I bothered all of you. I have just started seeing a counselor to try and relieve the stress that I am going thru. I hope that all of you find that special person to share your life with.

Posted by: Paul at March 4, 2004 10:23 PM

I've been on match since 10/03 and have sent out a ton of emails with no response. But I've gotten more responses by putting a lot of effort into my profile, being truthful in every way. Try to set yourself apart in your profiles, mention nothing about "long walks on the beach, I'm active, I like to have fun, I'm a single male, Oh boy, this is difficult. Easy going guy, Looking to settle down, etc"---BORING!!!!

But tell the woman what you'd like to do on a first date, like going wine tasting, art festivals, etc. something fun. The guy has to initiate the email, but women seem to respond well by me being witty and charming in the email. I state that I like to go sailing, which I go out a lot during april-sept, and that maybe I'd take her sometime. I then state that we should go to coffee to qualify each other. no long, drawn out exchanges, but go in for the kill immediately.

I've had 2 friends that finally met their S.O. online, but they had many 1st dates and very, very few 2nd dates. This stuff has a 'blind date/lottery' element to it---backing up the "numbers game" notion. I'm sure both parties are nice, but they just don't click.

Meeting someone thru church, school, civic groups and friends is easier, as you get an immediate sense of who they are in person. Everyone seems nice "on paper" ala match, but meeting in person is where the rubber hits the road.

Posted by: Jim at March 6, 2004 06:35 PM

Sounded pretty good till I got to the "go in for the kill" part. Other than that it all made pretty good sense to me, having been there done that a few times. This website has been influential in my choosing to not join e-harmony in favor of and Jdate. Too new at it to critique at this point, but I can report back later if anyone's interested. Hearing everyone's comments re experiences with these services is fun and informative. Keep up the good reporting, guys!

Posted by: Andrea at March 6, 2004 10:38 PM

i was told not to go to these online things but reading these comments made me think twice about spending my money. im told if you meet someone, it would be unexpected and the last place you would look.i think i'll that way-bobby

Posted by: bobby at March 7, 2004 12:58 PM

hey, thanks for real life info! What about the site Again hi to everyone that visits this.

Posted by: howard at March 7, 2004 06:47 PM

My experience has been that those who call themselves Christians don't know what it really means! Who knows whos this Dr is who has the website Eharmony? What are his credentials, and what does he do to match anyone? Even churches are meatmarkets. I have gone to a big church and I am approached by countless men who attend church just to meet women. The first thing they look at is my chest and my legs! I am looking for substance, intelligence, kindness and strength, looks are okay, but the soul is where it is at!

Posted by: berdie at March 8, 2004 11:16 AM

By the way, any of you in Austin, Texas? I am looking for someone to have fun with, chat with, go out to dinner with, picnic, fish, and even cook an occasional dinner for. I am seeking a male who is around 50, in good health and is able to do be spontaneous! I am 5'4", 120 lbs, green eyes, auburn hair, write, read, play guitar and have a great sense of humor. I also know what the word "LOVE" means in the greek: 'to be in harmony and in agreement with something or someone'. In other words, let people be who they are and either accept them they way they are, or move on! Substitute that definition where ever you find the word love in the bible and you will revolutionize your life for the better.
Good luck all, and why don't we use this site to find each other? Nice idea and it is free, doncha think?

Posted by: Berdie at March 8, 2004 11:21 AM

I forgot, go to my and see my profile and pix. If you are an Austin man interested in talking, meeting, etc., my email is, we can be friends who don't bs each other.

Posted by: Berdie at March 8, 2004 11:24 AM

I can see it

Stranger things have happened :-)

Posted by: calichick at March 8, 2004 11:04 PM

I'm a male in my late 20s living in LA. I've been trying eharmony for about a month. So far, the "scientific matching" doesn't seem to be a big improvement over less scientific methods. Some matches aren't really my type, some are decent (but not stellar), and many others just don't stand out in their profiles. How many times must I read that someone is "passionate about living life to the fullest" or "enjoys a quiet night in as much as a night on the town"? I wish women could be a little more descriptive and original (I'm sure the same is true for men).

So far, I've had a few correspondences going, but nothing that's led to a date yet. Usually, we have a few back and forths, then the woman just stops communicating with me, which is a behavior that, even though it seems to be standard conduct in online dating, I still find a little rude. Couldn't she at least say, "thanks, but I don't think you're my type"? If you want to try online dating, be prepared for a lot of flakiness.

One of my friends just signed up for eharmony, and is trying an approach different from mine, where he just writes to everyone that's not a blatant "no", regardless of whether they seem interesting or not. His point of view is that the "writing" phase is useless and that you just have to get to the "dating" one. I don't entirely agree -- I signed up for this in order to go through less of that, but maybe I'm being *too* selective -- we'll have to see how his approach works out.

I do find eharmony a little fishy in the sense that it doesn't give you many matches right away, then throws out a bunch of them once you sign up for the service. What is it doing to "find" matches? Did these women join the service after me, or did the eharmony computer just not let me know about them right off the bat? I actually hadn't heard about the site being heavily marketed to Christians, and that raises my eyebrows a little. I'm more of an agnostic, and signed up just because of all the ads I'd been seeing. If there's any religion involved in the "science", that would definitely bother me.

Posted by: Ryan at March 9, 2004 12:29 PM

Wow, After reading all the comments on E-Harmony, I will not be giving them the $99. What a joke. It sounds like a highly manipulated process designed to keep charging your card as long as possible. I've had some success on Match and a little on Lavalife so I intend to stick with them. Its a numbers game. I'm a 39 yr old guy and finding a good mate is not easy but I'm not giving up anytime soon.

Posted by: Mike R at March 9, 2004 02:30 PM

Wow, talk about depressing! Does anyone actually meet their match on eharmony or I've tried both websites myself, with mixed results.

The first time, I signed up for That was back before they wanted to differentiate themselves from all of the other "me-too" match sites by adding all of those personality tests that you can't get enough of now. Got a lot of "looks," but if there was any communication, as a male, I had to be the one to initiate it. I contacted between 20 and 30 women, and received just 1 response. I contacted her again, but never received a reply. I don't know if these women had allowed their memberships to expire, or simply couldn't place me in their frame of perfection. Whatever the case, I shortly lost my interest in matching-up with someone through

I tried eHarmony next after hearing a couple of Dr. Warren's radio ads. I was surprised when I actually received a steady stream of profiles over a 2 month period, and further surprised when many of the women initiated communication with me. One of them remained a steady "pen pal" for 2 months in the open communication phase, before we mutually decided that things weren't going to go much further. We did seem to have some things in common, though. But that was generally more of an exception than the rule. Most of my matches through eHarmony were almost nothing of the sort, both in terms of personality and interests.

Right before I decided to pull the plug on my membership, I received two matches from my hometown of Akron, Ohio. However, I was immediately "put on hold" by both. I had thought that being from the same city might have at least worked as a conversations starter, but alas, it seems not. Somewhat annoyed, disappointed and out of free membership time, I figured it was time to face the "beg notices," and so I decided to call it quits on eHarmony.

Call me impatient, but somehow, I was actually expecting near-instant matches with at least a handful of women, if I was to believe the advertising. Obviously, I'm only looking for one woman, but if she was on either of those websites, they probably kept her from me in the hopes that I'd hang around as a cash cow/subscriber. In any case, I'm not terribly optimistic about finding a match on either website. But just for fun, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to put my profile back out on both websites as a non subscriber, and see if maybe I'm lucky enough to get a response from time to time. You never know. I've already had 100 "looks" and 1 "wink" on match, and one match on eHarmony. Oh, wait. She put me on hold. Okay, so what else is new?

In summary, I think the entire online matching game is just that. Yes, I said it -- It's all a game. It's really not much different than the real world, whether it's Friday night at the club, Saturday night in a smoke-filled bar, or Sunday morning sitting on the pew in church. No matter where you're looking for someone, your expectations are automatically going to be ridiculously high. It's because most of us possess this absurd ideal of "The Perfect 10" or "Mr. Right" that we carry around in our minds. If we go looking for *that* person, we will never find him or her. It's a lot like the story I heard once, about the man who searched all over the world to find the perfect woman. He eventually found the perfect woman, but was promptly rejected by her? Why? She was looking for the perfect man.

For this reason, I've decided not to take the "game" seriously anymore. I've always had my best fortune with finding dates when I wasn't even looking for them. They found me. And you know something? I was often pleasantly surprised by them, because they didn't necessarily fit my "ideal" vision of the lady I'd like to have in my life. Each one of those women was beautiful in her own way, and it made me seriously reconsider the ideal that I carried around in my mind prior to meeting them. Of course, I'm not suggesting that anyone do what I do. But if you've read to this point, at least you know what my thoughts are for this subject.

Posted by: John at March 9, 2004 10:09 PM

I will say, though, that the personality profile eharmony came up with for me seems pretty accurate. Assuming others feel the same way about their assessments, there must be something to the company's research.

Posted by: Ryan at March 9, 2004 10:23 PM

I guess it wouldn't hurt to post my profile here, either.

At 6'2, I'm John, from Akron, Ohio. I like to think of myself as that "creative, intelligent type" someone earlier mentioned that she finds attractive. At any given moment, my head is swimming with ideas. If only I could choose one of them and follow it with all of my heart and intensity. But which one? Alas, I am a bit of a dreamer too. And that's a good thing. I dream of all the ways that I'd like to spread good will amongst my fellow man and help to make this world a better place.

When I'm not dreaming, I'm working one of two jobs, and finding time to create a third that will eventually take the place of the first two. The first is full-time, boring corporate drudgery. The second is teaching kids, which I enjoy very much. The third -- my own company -- is in the works.

I'd like to think that my idea of fun is pretty down to earth. I enjoy a good game of bowling or billiards, and I'm not too shabby at chess. I'm no party animal -- I won't even touch alcohol -- but I do like to get out and socialize often. Sometimes, I simply enjoy a nature walk through the park. And from time to time, I do like to take random road trips. (Who doesn't?)

My ideal woman. She should be many things -- All of them honest reflections of her heart and soul. Be yourself. In any friendship or relationship, that's what matters most.

Posted by: John at March 9, 2004 10:41 PM

I joined eHarmony a month ago and have received at least 50 matches. Not all of those people I have wanted to meet, maybe a small handful. But I have to warn, and I am prefacing this by saying that both woman and men can be players. On the advice page, eHarmony answers questions, and one person asked if they can weed out the players and eHarmony says this type of person would not be willing to go through the questionnaire process. Not true. One of my matches was very clearly a 'player' type at our first meeting - he made suggestive comments during dinner, flirted with the waitress and I had no doubts what his motives were. During our ititial guided communication, he never completely answered any of my questions about communication, what a strong relationship means, what he's looking for, etc. So I knew what he was about.

I think eHarmony can be good for those who are really serious about using this type of thing to find a compatible partner. It doesn't guarantee that your matches all will be 'the one', and I seriously suggest doing additional screening even after meeting your matches face to face. I've learned the hard way that some people lie about many many things, which is sad.

Posted by: Laura at March 12, 2004 09:44 AM

Joined eharmony around mid-February after having received lots of "matches," of which I chose about 5 to respond to...never got any replies. I'm one of those 65ers. So I can appreciate an older man. But, heck, don't think the feeling is mutual. Oh, yes, I spent a weekend preparing answers for the first three questions I received from someone who wanted to communicate. Another few hours went into my questions directed to him. His reply...Yikes to my first question. Double Yikes to my second. When I asked for an explanation...I never heard from him again. What a jerk! That's the only person who wanted to communicate with me. Next, I get a response from eharmony today to my complaint, stating I might not get more than 3 or so matches over a six month period...if even that many...and that it could take a year even to find my "soul mate." Having received 15-20 matches before I joined and experienced dwindling numbers afterwards, I think somethings fishy. I'm in for the class action suit. I so appreciate all these comments...definitely lowers my expectations from this site. How many others feel the same and have had no voice. By chance I looked for e-harmony +feedback on the web and found you all. Hey, we're all special and that's good. Can you believe I spent $99 for this on a 2 for 1? Sorry I hadn't read up on it beforehand. I'll think twice before I do this again!

Posted by: alice at March 12, 2004 08:04 PM

Well, after my eharmony date with the dullest man on earth, I got matched up with a guy 5 years younger than myself, who promptly closed the match because I was too old for him, and I am now matched up with one more "silver fox" type ... the kind of guy is who a retired financial advisor or something-or-other, who wears Ralph Lauren polos tucked into his neat belted khaki shorts and Italian loafers without socks. Probably goes in for "pampering-the-woman-who-looks-after-herself,-body-and-soul, long-walks-on-the-beach-type." Sorry ... not MY type ... not interested in being an arm decoration for an aging Romeo.

eHarmony has absolutely no clue! They seem to think that if two people both like to resolve conflicts and then drop them, that makes them soulmates. Man, that's annoying!

Anyway, I don't suppose there's anybody in Florida looking for a fifty-year-old mom of school age children (OK, I'm a late bloomer), creative, intelligent, with a sense of humor? I'm not doing a terribly great job of looking after myself body and soul because I am busy picking dirty socks out of the potholder drawer, and I know it's terribly shocking, but I haven't had painted toenails since I was a child. But I do read, write, work, do digital animation.

Oh, and best advice: don't spend your $99 on eHarmony.

Posted by: anima at March 13, 2004 10:10 PM

Hello all,

My name is J.P and I have read this entire page about the likes and dislikes about online dating sites. I too, had some bad experienced with and especially e-harmony but I will not get into all the specifics because most, if not all, of them are posted in this thread already.
I would like to take the opportunity though, to inform you guys of my new online dating site available at I think my site has everything that and don’t have, which is soul!

We’ve made our registration process simple but effective unlike e-harmony and worthless10 page questionnaires. I believe that it’s not about taking online personality testes or filling out thousands of questionnaires to find that perfect date. It’s really not, I just can’t believe that people would pay $99 per month just for a date. Our philosophy here at is to start by finding something in common with that potential match. Based on our independent research, it is proven that every member on or that come to will have something in common and can relate to one another needs and wants. What better way to start to find something in common with someone than music, have you ever heard of the saying music brings us closer? G4B offers each member the ability to upload five of their favorite’s songs, whether it be pop, rock or country there will be somebody interested in listening to your soul.

Right now we are offering one months free membership which includes the following features:
Free Live Chat
Free Instant Messaging
Free Photo Profile
Free Five favorite music uploads to add your profile
Free 2-way Matching
Free MailBox
Free Access to the Member area forum
Free Access to create your own photo Album
Free personalize email account. Coming soon..
(Escort services will soon be available for those of you who need a hot date for a special occasion, but don't have the time to find one.

The normal membership fee is $20 per month unlike match and eharmony high rates.

I hope to you see all soon……….good luck!

Posted by: J.P at March 14, 2004 12:19 AM

J.P. Dude. There's a tiny flaw in your marketing plan. No self-respecting woman is going to even link to a site called "girls4ballers", must less expect to find a decent relationship there. It's ... uh ... kind of insulting, you know, sounds like you're trading women like pork bellies or something. You might want to rethink that.

On the other hand, maybe the pork belly thing is where you're headed, don't know. Still, you gotta know that if women want a "hot" date, they generally don't need to get online to do it. I'm just saying.


Posted by: anima at March 14, 2004 05:26 PM

I came here because of my frustration with eharmony. I have been on for 6 weeks - (I got 3 months for 1 deal) and I hate the site. My profile is not at all accurate although it's hard to tell since the profiles are so generic they could be about anyone. And although I get quite a few matches - none of them are anywhere close to my type! If I was looking for someone wrong for me I couldn't do better then eharmony has.

Either they just match me to everyone my age or their process is broken. One thing you have to keep in mind is they supposidly base it on "personality" and you aren't supposed to care about lifestyle. Guess again - lifestyle is very important. None of these people have my world outlook or my interests. They either love sports (I hate sports) or they're religious fanatics (I'm not religous) or they're just very boring and conservative. Only one guy I wrote to for awhile because at least he was intelligent. However he kept telling me I should "relax more" apparently he was turned off because I actually go out and do things and need some challenge in my life. And he eventually closed me off. Then there was a guy whose deathly allergic to cats and wrote to me even though my profile says I have 3 cats! He said in his 1st letter - I hope you're not one of those maladjusted women who's completely obsessed with your cats. He seemed to expect I'd get rid of my pets for someone I hadn't ever met and had absolutely nothing in common with and if not I'm maladjusted.

The way eharmony is run is like a prison camp. Any complaint you have they tell you how you have to do things their way. It's very very rigid. And they have no interest in what the customers want. None. They have wildy bogus claims about how the matches are perfect for you - and not one has been a person I'd want to spend 5 minutes with. The only reason I haven't left is that my paid time is not yet up.

Don't pay - don't join. If you join a site join one that you can choose for yourself. You know the kind of person that you like and eharmony does not.


Posted by: Sandra at March 14, 2004 11:01 PM

anima, well i didnt think my site is insulting, at least i never thought of it that way. my market sector is the hip-hop/urban community and between ages 18-30 so if you don't know much about that culture and lifestyle then i would assume that you would say something like you u did.

can you please explain in what way my site is insulting to ladies?


Posted by: J.P at March 14, 2004 11:58 PM


The name! What does that even mean? Baller?

The only related term I know of is a rude one. I guess your limited target market understands it and that's fine but for the general public it does sound very rude.

I would certainly not go there and in fact I thought your whole posting was a joke.


Posted by: Sandra at March 15, 2004 01:37 AM

Eharmony is a BIG WASTE of money ..they offer you a free week. Well 4 days into my free week(had to pay 49.95 to "try" free week) I ask for a refund. They sent me 3 matches which 2 closed me out 1 didnt write back Eharmony would keep me hanging that week so I would NOT be able to get a refund.
I read the instructions for closing an account ..BE CAREFUL if you pay a one month memember ship fee they only have to give you 1 match(49.95 for one match???) you would do better on a street corner with a sign.
HERE is the BIGGEST insulting situation. When I said PLEASE give me a refund (with in the first 7 days) They sent me back this long letter how they are experts in matching etc. AND GET THIS they offered me a FREE travel voucher so that when I meet my soul mate I would have a 100 dollar travel voucher. WHAT does that mean???? I find eharmony insulting.Ha how far will I get with a 100 dollar airline voucher????
EHARMONY is a big fat scam!
good luck to any one that tries it & then decides they want their money back

Posted by: Mandy at March 15, 2004 06:28 AM


Since you requested further clarification: 1) women don't like to be called girls. That's insulting all by itself. 2) It really does sound like a prostitute service. You can't see that? 3) From a strictly business standpoint, search engines often have blocking settings, and you will have to rely on search engines because yours is an internet-based business. But search engines may not even report your result because they may identify your site as a porn site.

Hey, it's a free country. And you're right, I'm too old to be in your target market. But even when I wasn't, and was hot and looking, I wouldn't have even thought about going to a site called girls4ballers. And that's all I'm saying 'bout that.


Posted by: anima at March 15, 2004 06:37 AM

Anima, I'm with you all the way. Whoever thought of the name Girls4Ballers needed a lifeguard at the gene pool. Class will tell, as my mother used to say. And these guys are lacking it in stunning abundance. Maybe their intro package should include girls getting balled 4 free - but then again, we can do that (if we want to) without joining any dating-matching service!


Posted by: Andrea at March 15, 2004 03:15 PM

Finally I found a forum to share my eharmony gripes. Although I had over 100 matches during my two 3-mo. memberships with eharmony(2002,2003), clearly it wasn't worth the time and emotional effort. For one thing, only about 1 in 6 of my female matches made a photo viewable at the beginning of a match, while on the other hand I always had my photo available right up front.

I think photos are essential to a matching service and should be mandatory. Who wants to work thru the match process in the dark? I reached the open e-mail communication stage with four of my matches but after a while the correspondence always faded out--how much can you say in e-mails? I would far more value a
30-minute cup of coffee with a prospective mate than a 100 e-mails. That's another problem I had with eharmony--my most interesting matches always seemed to live a thousand or more miles away. If I cut down the matching area to my state the numbers went way down.

Some more hardcore facts eharmony won't tell you...certainly not in those phony radio ads...

- A recent Time magazine article stated that eharmony boasts 3 million members and has had some 2000 marriages resulting from their service. Let's say conservatively that each of those 3 million members gets 10 matches--that's 30 million matches vs. 2000 marriages, making the odds 1 in 1500 of a match leading to marriage (the real bottom line). Great chances, eh?

- As other posters have pointed out, there may be millions of eharmony "members" but how many of those are actually paying members eligible for match communication? I know I had a number of matches who just left me hanging--maybe they couldn't respond because they weren't paying and eligible to participate.

- Would you believe eharmony once sent this email to male members?..."Dear (Male), There's great news for eharmony men: At eharmony, women outnumber men two to one. And you have matches waiting right now."

Ladies, how does that make you feel? Real straight shooters, aren't they?

Take it from a veteran single person...eharmony may seem exciting at first but for the vast majority of users it turns out to be a waste of time, money, and emotional effort.

Posted by: Zepp at March 16, 2004 06:59 PM

My eHarmony experience sounds typical. I've gotten over 60 matches in the last month, but only 11 of them gave any sort of response at all. (I think I ended up closing most of the others due to lack of responses, or because the woman didn't answer at least half the questions in the profile--I'd guess about 15% of the profiles were woefully incomplete, usually indicating she isn't a paying customer.)

Only one went all the way to "open communication", and she mysteriously stopped writing after the second letter. Dunno why... no matter, we didn't seem very compatible anyway.

Most of my matches are very similar. 70+% of them are nurses. Very, very weird if you ask me.

I don't buy the income/height/race/whatever theories, as my matches were all over the place in those categories. I'm an atheist, so that doesn't seem to have much to do with it either.

I'm not very impressed so far, although it's been better than places like I think they need to let people know if the other person is a paying customer--I know I get annoyed at not hearing from matches, and it'd be nice to know why.

Posted by: AnotherCommenter at March 18, 2004 04:53 PM

Eharmony doesn't want you to know if they are "real" customers or not. They want us to write to them --in order to get them to sign up and pay.

I'm beginning to notice strong similarities in my "matches" also. Most are sports obsessed. Their greatest desire is to get a golf partner. I hate golf! And many of them also fish. (I'm a vegetarian.) I know golf is popular but aren't there men who don't live for golf? I could swear there are.

If only I could get them to send me my "bad" matches I'll bet you anything I'd like them better. It seems like everyone is ending up with matches that are totally wrong for them. I think there is something messed up in their silly test and match program. Maybe they figure opposites attract?


Posted by: Sandra at March 18, 2004 06:52 PM


My *matches* loved hiking, camping(I hate the outdoors due to allergies) some did not want marriage or children (2 things I listed on my so called profile as MAJOR to me...yet these flakes at eharmony gave them to me as a *match*...of course they do this AFTER the 7 you are stuck with them with a snowballs chance in hell of getting a refund.

Posted by: Amy at March 19, 2004 08:23 AM

Sandra and Amy ...

Same thing here with incompatible matches. All these guys eharmony matches me with love the water (I hate it). They float around on boats a lot. They all like staying physically fit and the outdoors (my idea of roughing it is no room service). BORING! Where are the guys who have INTERESTS? I don't care, building ships in bottles, raising chinchillas, writing poetry, line dancing, anything, ANYTHING! Or could it be that these people aren't as boring as they're made to seem?


Posted by: anima at March 19, 2004 06:51 PM

Well, I guess I am the dissenter. I joined eHarmony on the 3 months for 1 plan in January. There were many matches that I closed. 2 Reasons mainly: 1) Age...I am 43. I was getting alot of 31-34. 2) Distance.
That said, I did have 2 matches that I communicated with extensively. One, I have communicated with for 6 weeks now. We have emailed, IM'd, and talked on the phone. We have a ton in common from Spritual, to Political, to Career. She come to town today for the weekend and is an absolutely wonderful woman. Sorry you guys have had a bad experience. However for me, at the rate things are going, I may be one of those guys you see on an eHarmony commercial.

Posted by: John at March 19, 2004 10:44 PM

Hey! I'm glad I found this site. I'm a 45 year old woman in San Jose, California, and just signed up with eHarmony on March 11.

So far they have sent me 3 "matches": One closed me immediately, even before I knew he existed (his profile states that he is allergic to cats and I have two). Another one closed me after a couple of days without stating a reason (which is OK by me...he sounded a bit too much like the conservative sports-dad type, which isn't my type AT ALL).

The third one, whose profile sounds intelligent and interesting put me on hold after I sent him my "5 questions", stating that he "wasn't sure yet". I hate to be negative, but isn't that a polite way of saying "no, thanks"?

I have not received any more "matches" since the first couple of days after I signed up, even though I increased my geographical range to within 120 miles of San Jose.

What is up? The San Francisco Bay Area is a well-populated region, and you would think that there would be more than three possible matches out there in eHarmony-land. My photo is posted (I'm nice-looking but not gorgeous). I'm steadily employed and a college-educated homeowner with a sense of humor and lots of interests.

I haven't met anyone outside of cyberspace who actually belongs to eHarmony, so I have no one to compare notes with. From what I am reading here, it sounds like the numbers are definitely biased in favor of the men. I've heard men/women ratios varying from 60:40 to 70:30. The age ranges are skewed so that, for example, 50-year-old men are matched with the 32-year-old babes (who mostly would find them to be too old), while the 45-year-old women receive "silver fox" profiles!

Also, I am getting the distinct impression that even though eHarmony admits all religious persuasions, the numbers are also biased in favor of the evangelical Christian population...and if you don't identify as such, you will receive far fewer matches.

I have signed up for three months, and am going to give myself that amount of time to see what happens. I chose eHarmony because it appeared to be a better quality service than, say, Yahoo! Personals or However, now I'm not so sure.

Would love to hear any and all eHarmony stories...either posted here or by email!


Posted by: mary at March 21, 2004 02:55 PM

I agree: eHarmony is a joke. I just wrote them an email after my membership expired today and I await a reasonable response (though I'm betting it will just be some auto-responder). I think it is ridiculous to charge such a high fee for three reasons:

#1) BOTH parties have to pay to communicate. It should be that to initiate you pay, but once you've started, that's it. One person pays, the rest is free communication, like every other reasonable personals site.

#2) Once you pay to start communicating, you should be able to FINISH the process. They basically locked me out, and when I had a new Stage-4 response today, they sent me to a subscription page and I have to pay again just to read it, not even counting sending a response back.

#3) I have no idea whether or not who I am sending to has subscribed - meaning I don't know who is a waste of my time because they can't respond until they pay. Most of my responses were completely ignored - and since they didn't bother to close me, I'm betting it's not disinterest, but that they simply haven't subscribed. What is the point of paying for a service to contact a dead end?

eHarmony was completely useless and of the two TOTAL responses, I have yet to even get as far as an email address. And, now I'm locked out! At this point, I have a better chance going to a foreign country where I don't speak a word of the language and still finding someone interesting to date!

Posted by: Damian at March 22, 2004 09:52 PM

I once read somewhere don't trust anyone with 3 first names. Anyway Dr. Neil Clarke Warren is behind a total fraud IMHO. Does anyone else think he talks kind of funny? They offered me the $9.95 2 week deal soi I signed up. When I attempted to match then there were no matches. But a day or 2 later the matches started. Most of the women were too far away or too young or too old or too tall. I am 5'7" and someone 5'10" makes no sense with all there superduper scientifically designed question crap they sent me this person. Anyway I chose some women to respond to and I started the process. Soon during the questions phase I was able to put in my own question to I said read the following sentence and I gave my email address in words. A woman emailed me telling me how creative I was but did not want to break the rules as she put it. The rule was in her head as nothing said I could not do this. She emailed me again with kind of a repremand so I terminated the communication with her. The next day I got this email from eharmony where they were checking their system and found my "innapropriate" communication and were cancelling my membership. No big deal. But I do think the whole thing is a big fraud. Sure some people have met and married but that could happen with the worst service. All in all eharmony is one big scam designed to separate lonely people from their money.

Posted by: Peter at March 23, 2004 01:57 PM


That's really odd. Why should they cancel you for sending your email address? They never say you can't do that. If she doesn't want to use it that's up to her.

I was "matched" with a guy who had his phone no. in his profile! I thought that was pretty stupid of him but still if I don't want to call it I don't have to.

Now the guy who talked about how big his.... appendage.. was in his profile - that was inappropriate. But I didn't report him. I think it's better people seeing right up front what a jerk he is.


Posted by: Sandra at March 23, 2004 03:28 PM

Men vs Women

After reading here and elsewhere that there are twice as many women as men on eharmony - I sent a long question to them regarding that.

They wrote back that they were glad I asked and that the ratio of men to women was .47 to. 53.


Posted by: Sandra at March 23, 2004 06:25 PM

Hi Sandra - interesting stat on the ratio of men to women. If the proportion is so close to even, it must be that some members are more "matchable" than others! :) Perhaps Dr. NCW is monitoring this site and sussing out which of us is "obstreperous"!!!!

Big brother is watching you! :))))

Posted by: mary at March 24, 2004 12:00 AM

eharmony is the worst internet dating site that I have experienced. Anyone interested in pursuing possible legal action against eharmony email me privately at eharmonyisafraud@hotmail.con

Posted by: anon at March 24, 2004 11:15 PM

holy crap!

i just came on this site looking for free promo coupons so i could send my 'soulmate' some.... friggin ready made questions--WTF?! man i'm glad i got the scoop on eharmony. from what i've ready, you can't even get their email address after dropping your hard cold cash-- even if you want to?! that's riCOCulous.

i DID find it rather bizarre that they didn't ask me for a sexual preference and I also found it particularly strange how faith driven a lot my matches were. eery. i thought i might have just been feelnig particularly 'touched' as i filled out the mind proble last night.

i have always thought of these dating online things as scams. i mean people get into this just like everything else for the money. and here they KNOW that they have a market of people who are looking for that 'soulmate'. and if you think about it, if you could be garaunteed a soulmate, what WOULDN"T you really do to find him/her/it? drop $50...$150... fly across the country?

and then they have answer all these long questionnaires-- just building you up--- getting you more and more invested in the situation. more invested in coughing up the money. (ie, we are not like other organzations that waste your time, we want to make SURE that you are really committed to finding a 'soulmate'. -- Are you really a sucke---ahem despera---erm committed to finding the LOVE YOUR LIFE?!!! yeah?! really? who's with me?! then pay $50-- minimum-- and we'll talk from there)

if this really were a christian driven organization and the founder really thought he was doing something positive for his community shouldn't it be a break-even type of business. i'm always wary of anything or anyone out to make money.

unfortunately this seems a lot more dollar lusty than other organizations that don't have you take that long mind probe. if they really wanted you to meet people and have a good time they should just suggest the people who would be good matches for you based on that personality physical and let you write to whomever wanted-- knowing that, in their opinion, you are wasting your time. hey and if it works it works! and if it doesn't and you meet someone who is marriage material and not from their scientifically suggest list, then you can give them some feedback so they can fix their non-functioning equation.

anyway, i got 4 matches since i signed up last night. they are all out of this state. i like to travel so i don't care... they are all older than me (i'm 22) and one of them is jewish (she mentions a haulocaust surviving grandmother-- great(?)grandmother)... and they are all under 25.

i throw these facts in their to dispel any misnomers about the age/religion descrimination. oh and i'm black in case there was any question racism going on.

hm... i think i'm just going to inconspicuously place my email address out there on my profile and see where that gets me.


ps as a male 18-2--whatever he said his demographic was, i think a baller has a very negative connotation. i associate it with a pimp. but perhaps i'm old fashioned. feel free to let me know at

pps if anyone knows any REALLY good (as in free) eharmony offers-- please post.

Posted by: Tim at March 25, 2004 06:45 PM

Hey Damian (post of 3/22),

I love your name!


Posted by: andrea gurner at March 26, 2004 09:55 PM

I just did the 'relationship questionnaire' on eharmony after seeing a TV ad where a woman says 'I had given up on ever finding anyone, then joined eharmony.' That sucked me in! I'm so glad I found these comments BEFORE forking over the big bucks, which I probably would have done. I am especially disappointed, but unfortunately not surprised, to find that they have a conservative/Christian bent. Not for me!

As an over-educated agnostic mid-30s woman with an addiction for the outdoors (you'd think it would be easier to meet men given the ratio of men-women hikers & backpackers, but it's not!) I think I'd be a good candidate for a "non-matchable" dating site!

Posted by: Leena at March 28, 2004 07:11 AM

Hi all -
online dating isn't always doing much good... I've been on eharmony for less than a month, and although I have plenty of matches, many that are extremely interesting to me and I'd love to meet up with, they are all hundred and hundreds of miles away from me. I've had only two matches close enough to meet if I wanted to, but neither was my type. So bottom line, not a great help. I do enjoy not having to sift through so many profiles though.

Match's attraction science is useless. I've tested it with male friends who are attracted to me: when they create their profiles, the attraction match up shows that I'm NOT AT ALL their type and vise versa, even though I definitely consider them my type.

By the way, if you worry that your match can't return e-mail because they aren't members - try dropping your e-mail in your letter. Use a yahoo address to protect your identity.


Posted by: Elin at March 28, 2004 09:03 PM

Have you heard about some type of conspiracy on Supposedly there are people paid to "wink" at people who have profiles posted, but not paid. They then write to their winks, but never meet... Hmmm...I don't think I am paranoid, just curious.

Posted by: D. K. at March 29, 2004 11:58 AM

D.K., yes, absolutely. (Though I'm sure doesn't do it "directly".) I got a number of "winks" in the month before I paid for a one-month subscription... then it mysteriously dropped to zero. Soon as the subscription lapsed it started again. :) Um, like, isn't that just a *bit* obvious?

I'm not paranoid either, just realistic. Anything they can do to encourage people to pay is worth it.

Online dating seems to be a complete ripoff AFAICT. I don't personally know anyone who's had any success with it, though I do know plenty of people who have tried it--and most of the time I hear pretty bad horror stories. I'm just going to let my subscriptions run out and that'll be the end of that, because it hasn't been worth the amount of time, energy and money I've invested in it over the last two years.

Posted by: AnotherCommenter at March 29, 2004 01:59 PM one pause....I had a free trial membership from eharmony late last year. I communicated with a few women. I let it go because I wasn't really sure that I wanted to enter into a new relationship at the time. Now that I am seriously looking for a serious relationship I was considering rejoining....and paying. I guess this just illustrates that relationships are hard work no matter what the source. Plus ça change, plus ça memchose! Since this has turned into a communication route...feel free to to write!

Posted by: Jeff in San Diego at March 29, 2004 07:51 PM

What's with that wierd way NCW talks. And those hand motions. Just like a huckster snake oil salesman. And that giggling couple that declares that every night is like a sleep over. What crap.

Posted by: Steve at March 30, 2004 03:23 PM

A friend of mine in NYC was a member of eHarmony and when we traded stories they were similar - and it's frustrating that you'll take the time to send questions back and forth but never hear a word again from them. I just close anyone out who sits there longer than 2 weeks, no point pushing it. We came to the conclusion that our initial "flood" of matches came from their database "warehouse" of people in our area, which is why they dwindled down to nothing after the first month or two. I'm into my second month and probably won't renew. I'm still getting matches, but maybe one or two every other week or so, and have had a total of maybe 60 matches since January, when I completed my profile, but didn't join until the first week of Feb. Funny thing is, I have 3 other girlfriends in my area who are also members of eHarmony, we are all very different in personality - we have ALL been matched with the same 10-15 men in our area. We compared notes!!! So I'm thinking eHarmony's match system isn't so scientific after all - they just send them to everyone in one geographic area. I'm not looking for a hundred men - just one, the RIGHT one!

Posted by: Laura at March 31, 2004 11:30 PM


Here is what I have learned from

My experiences with have been horrible. I first looked at the site a year ago, and here it is a year later, and 75% of the women are there now are the same ones that were there a year ago. To me, that is a very bad sign.

Secondly, the ones I have chatted with seem to want to do just that, chat, for months before meeting, which I personally find overkill. They can meet a guy in a bar and go on a date with him the next week, but if they meet you online, they need to chat for 3 months first.

And if you do meet someone willing to go on an actual date, one of 2 things happens. 1) they back out at the last minute with some bullshit story, or 2) you do go out, only to find out you are one of like 10 guys she is dating from the site that month.

I honestly don't think you can find a decent woman online.

Posted by: J at April 1, 2004 07:51 PM

Laura -

That's really interesting that you and your freind were matched to the same men at Eharmony! I've wanted someone to test that. Did you all get the same exact list? Or just some of the same men?

If I were you I'd send the info on those matches to a local newspaper or radio show and have them do an expose - because if that's the case it IS a total fraud!!

I have felt from the start they just sent me all the men from my area - because they have NOTHING in common with me or each other. There is no common thread that explains why they were assigned to me.


Posted by: Sandra at April 2, 2004 04:23 PM

I just tried Jdate for a month. Sucks. Same complaints as above ad nauseum. Any relationship between whom I was looking for per my profile and the "matches" they "sent" me is purely coincidental. Plus, they didn't activate my membership till 2 weeks after I sent them a check, and that was only because I pressured them to get on the ball. has been a bit better in terms of administration, but it isn't administration I'm looking for. I, too, am totally turned off by anything sniffing of meat market, otherwise I'd be going to neighborhood bars. What's a woman to do? Any success stories, ladies? I'm 59, easily look 10 years younger, college grad, and cute as a button, with a posted photo. About to give up and join that Buddhist convent in Tibet.

Posted by: Andrea at April 2, 2004 07:41 PM

Now here's a kick! At the bottom right of this page, there's an ad for eHarmony! Some things defy understanding.


Posted by: anma at April 3, 2004 06:17 AM

heh... sorry about that ad. I'm the writer of this weblog and this particular entry has been the most popular entry by far, so as my traffic started building and my bandwidth started getting closer to where I might have to pay extra, I thought I'd put a couple of ads up - the google ads seemed like the friendliest and least rude of all the ones I could find. Each time someone clicks on an ad I get a few pennies. Anyway, if you guys like the weblog, feel free to click "main" at the top of the page and see what else I write.

Posted by: tunesmith at April 3, 2004 01:21 PM

Hello Tunesmith - Thanks so much for providing this weblog, an invaluable avenue for us to vent about these silly technocratic dating services and the silly technocrats who run them. Many of us who might have plunked down precious coin of the realm on these services are instead reading about other people's experiences and saying uh-uh, I don't think I want to waste my money on that. And you, Tunesmith, have been the conduit that allows us to do this. Thank you. Everyone, please read Tunesmith's message and click, click and click again on these Google ads at the bottom right of this page to give him his "few pennies" to keep this weblog going.

Posted by: Andrea at April 3, 2004 06:35 PM

I just tried to remove my credit card number from my eharmony account to be *certain* they would not charge me when my time ended and it won't let me! It says I *must* have a card number listed!! Why is that Mr. Christian values dude? I paid already- I am NOT going to sign up for another month -why do you have the right to force me to have a card number there? Boy o boy I hope someone in the media gets on this story and prints a real article about them to warn the public.

Want to know something else hokey about eharmony. They go on and on about how they match you on all these factors but they never say what they are --even when they send you a match. They list 3 "important items" you have in common. Like some typical examples of what they are?



No kidding. Freinds. Oh we both have Friends? Or do we just want to have freinds? How rare. Conversation? This is a basis for a match???? aren't these things all humans have in common?!

If they HAVE all these detailed things they are matching on why do they refuse at any point in time to tell you what they are!


Posted by: Sandra at April 5, 2004 01:22 AM

Thanks everybody for your comments, and tunesmith for making this all possible (I clicked on all the ads so you could earn your pennies). After 2 serious relationships that went nowhere eventually, with men I met on dating services (one through a local Jewish newspaper; the other from, I have been taking an enjoyable "vacation" from dating. The eharmony ads caught my attention because they purported to be "different". I did the free profile and it was pretty accurate, but I kept dragging my heels about forking over any money (not ready to pay so much money to end my "vacation"). Now that I've read all your postings, I can continue to vacation happily and with more $ in my pocket. Thanks! And hi Jeff - I'm in San Diego too.

Posted by: Emily at April 5, 2004 11:51 PM

I was a member of both and Eharmony. I met a few people on each, but nothing really happened. One was a complete nightmare. Any way I find it very interesting that when my Eharmony membership was about to expire 3-4 days before the next month. A match would come through. We would talk back and forth. Then it would stop. So you have to decide if the match is worth the next month payment. I did a couple of times continue and the match never responded again. this happen 3 months in a row. Anyone else find this happening? I think that it is very interesting.

Posted by: Larry at April 6, 2004 11:31 AM

I too am a member of eHarmony. I have found that this service is no more haphazard than all the blind dates friends and relatives have set me up on.

My friends and relations tended to misrepresent (though not maliciously) our personalities. After all, who could ever hope to live up to the hype they created (especially when you don't know what they said).

For example I consider myself an artistic type but my relatives would always represent me as an insurance broker. Now I used to work for an insurance company but not as a broker and I would not choose to define myself that way. I saw these computer dating services as an opportunity to present myself in a manner I was more comfortable with.

I guess because I had to shell out some of my own cash for the service I decided to change my attitude and approach to dating as a whole.

I am by nature a skeptical cynical person. I found that I needed to fundamentally change this aspect of myself to make this work. I needed to believe that my potential matches were people just like me who are generally decent people living out their lives who wanted to meet people in a slightly more structured way than a bar or even

I did play the numbers game at first and set my settings to receive the greatest possible matches. It quickly gave me a sense of what was out there and made me define more specifically what I was looking for.

And I don't mean height, weight and interests. For me, I found I wanted someone who had interests that they were willing to talk about. I found that to find this kind of person, I needed to be willing to be this kind of person too.

I guess my point is that you shouldn't expect it to land in your lap. That you have to be willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable to someone who may not "get" you. That said, the best thing eHarmony offers is a way to painlessly get out of a situation you don't want to continue. If they closed you out early, better to find that out now than later on.

So far I've only met one person face to face from eHarmony. She's a terrific person and we're still negotiating our relationship (complicated phrase meaning we have some chemistry and are trying to work out some awkwardness).

Had she been my first match, I doubt we would have gotten this far. I had closed out or was closed out of 54 matches for various reasons before we were matched. By then I was much more willing to give of myself and more open as a person.

If nothing else, eHarmony has helped me understand myself better and through my interactions with my matches helped me to be a better person... the kind of person I really want to be and am capable of being.

eHarmony is by no means a silver bullet. It's just another way of meeting people. Even though you figure that they probably have the same intentions, you'll never know until you contact them.

Personally, one of the more fun things was trying to figure out why eHarmony matched me with a certain person. I was lucky, I had a friend who was also on eHarmony and we'd compare notes about our matches which helped us gain some insight into their matching process.

I truly believe that how much success you have is directly related to how much effort, honest and risk you are willing to put into this endeavor. The upside is that you don't have to hide you face from your friends if it doesn't work out.

Posted by: Isaac at April 6, 2004 02:01 PM

Words of warning from an victim.

Now, to be fair, seems to have a few good things going for it.

First, it does seem to work for some folks who are actively looking for a spouse. Granted, the percentages for successful marriage matches do seem quite low for the size of the reported membership and the reputed high power of the matching algorithms. However, the fact remains that does work for some folks.

Second, has a personality profiler that doesn't seem too bad. At least in my case, it wasn't wildly wrong and by and large it fit me reasonably well. I'm not a psychologist, so you need to take that statement with a grain of salt. Some folks say that with a tiny bit of info (and others say with no info at all) it is possible to write a profile that is general enough and sufficiently positive that anyone who reads it would be able to see themselves in it. probably was developed by a psychologist. It was extremely effective at suckering me in! The ads are persuasive and establish a level of comfort with the idea of at least checking out. Once you've arrived at the site, there is a FREE personality profile! Once you have completed the profile, you get to look at it and also discover that they have already found a match for you (in my case it was in the same town where I live — population 7,000)!!! Nevermind the fact that it had finally become clear that this was a marriage matchmaking site and I was only looking for friends. My ego was fully caught! The rationale was that shucks, not every match can lead to marriage, I might just find a good friend just around the corner! And the final clincher was that if I was unsatisfied I could get a full refund if I terminated my account in 7 days or less.

I put up my money for a month's membership and attempted to contact the match. A few days later, I decided to expand my search beyond the local area to see what I might find. What I finally found was that out of supposedly 3 million people in the system, there wasn't another match on the entire planet! My excitement had come down to normal levels and helped me to reflect on a number of facts: (1)The improbability of a match in my town (the match never did reply) coupled with a failure to match across the entire planet. (2)The fact that one match was available locally BEFORE I joined and none afterwards. (3)The fact that I was only interested in finding friends. (4)$50/month is awfully expensive if you're not looking for a spouse. CONCLUSION: Now that the excitement was gone, it was obvious that was not the solution for me. No problem, time to close my account within the 7-day grace period.

Now, to this point I was a tad uncomfortable with the way came on, but shucks nobody's perfect. After this I started to get angry. First problem: finding the refund page. It can be found, but it is definitely not easy or obvious to find. Second: When you get to the refund page, you click and think you are done. Nope, you get an eMail from Grant Langston, Director of Member Relations: "This refund email requires your action. Below are the details of a Free Travel Voucher Offer. YOU MUST REPLY TO THIS OFFER BY CLICKING ONE OF THESE TWO RESPONSES: YES, I want to accept your free Travel Voucher offer and remain with eHarmony. NO, I want to refuse your Free Travel Voucher offer and continue with my refund..."

So, I click on NO and then think that I'm done with my refund. No such luck. I gave them two months to allow the refund to show up on my credit card and then I go back to the website and find that there is a customer service contact page but NO addresses or phone numbers. The contact page is really cute, too. Its set up so that the message only goes to customer service, there is no way to send yourself a CC for the record, and if you have more than a few words to say, there is no way that you can print the page to show what you sent in its entirety — let alone the date that you sent it! in order to ensure that I had a record copy, I sent my message to them via their customer service page and a duplicate to the source of the refund email,

Now came a passel of eMail traffic from Hell. This extract will give you a flavor for what it was like:

Subject: Re: Account - General Inquiry [#1693278]

Dear Mike,

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to use the same online procedure that I used o/a 6-8 February 2004, right? Excuse me, but that is the procedure that got us to this point right here! Please tell me why it is going to work better the second time around!  

Let me make this perfectly clear. I AM TRYING TO GET RESTITUTION BECAUSE YOUR "REFUND SYSTEM" DID NOT WORK THE LAST TIME THAT I TRIED IT! And after reading some of the comments about on eDateReview and MuseWorld, I'm wondering if your refund system is intentionally obtuse and opaque. After all, on the 7th of February I was honestly under the impression that I had entirely completed your refund process. Now, I'm not a genius, but as a college graduate I don't think I'm anywhere close to being stupid. That's why your "refund" process leaves me wondering if it has been intentionally designed to be difficult to understand and use.

Now, on the 7th of February, thinking, in good faith, that I had successfully closed my eHarmony account, I didn't bother to try to get back into it after "terminating" my membership (and if you have a decent system, you'll be able to refer to your system logs to check that I'm telling the truth). Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are trying to charge me for service that I didn't get!

On the 29th of March you told me that I needed to contact a customer rep at SS_COMMAND=CUST_SUP&Category=RETENTION. Well, every time I tried to contact someone, Live Contact was down or wasn't able to connect me with a rep. The most frustrating instance was when Live Chat told me that Jose was connected and I wasted 20-30 minutes trying to get a response from him!

Up until I got to this refund hassle, I was favorably impressed with eHarmony. My problem (as I've already noted on the termination feedback messages you provided me) was that it became obvious that eHarmony was strictly marriage oriented. I've just come off of a divorce and am looking ONLY for friends at this time and $50 is pretty steep for friend referrals who are actually looking for romance! If you don't leave me with too bad a taste in my mouth, I have hopes of coming back when I AM looking for a potential spouse. 

Unfortunately, at this point, you are making me wonder if you are: (1) so busy that you can't provide decent customer support or (2) if you're running a scam that deserves to be brought to the attention of my State Attorney General,,,,,, eDateReview, and MuseWorld.

I hope to hear from you later today regarding the status of my full refund. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Now obviously, the intent of all the email messages from “Customer Care” was not intended to help a customer who has had an honest misunderstanding of how the refund system works. It is designed to get the customer to go to the computer system and close their account so that can wash their hands of the irksome customer. By the way, after the month is over and they have “justification” for keeping your money, the refund page is still hard to find but the refund process is really simple and straightforward!

I didn’t have a chance to find out how convoluted their “refund” system might be in the instance of a customer past their 7-day grace period but still within their subscription period. Thank God!

In closing, just by the length of this message, I’m sure you can tell that I’m still pretty angry and feeling pretty used even after about a week of cooling off! My opinion of, for what it is worth, is that is running a cold-blooded scam. The successful connections that do result are simply due to the laws of chance — no different than meeting potential spouses in a bar or church or supermarket.

If you want to give a try after reading this, all I can say is good luck!

Posted by: Naive at April 7, 2004 06:24 PM

tunesmith here again -

it's funny watching you all talk (since I own the weblog I get every comment in my email inbox) because you're all a lot more real that we all feel comfortable being in our profiles. makes me wonder what sort of matchmaking service we'd all really like.

heh... maybe it should just be that the entire service is free, but that if you get married through it, you owe the service TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. :-)

it's really a catch-22 though. people are more comfortable being real if there's no perceived cost of rejection. On a miscellaneous bulletin board, there's no expectation of meeting someone in real life, so, you know, let 'er rip. But I bet if a discussion board like this set up the ability to register location, preferences, and rate each other's comments by how attractive they seemed, everyone would start acting a lot more homogenous.

I'm really fascinated to see all the stories about eharmony. Note that there have been barely any complaints about or the others, comparatively. If there really are backend shenanigans going on like non-existent matches (which could simply be a software bug, actually), I wonder if it's possible to confirm/prove it.

Posted by: tunesmith at April 7, 2004 06:41 PM

All of you who have had lousy experiences with What did you do about it? I just put in a complaint with the better business bureau. They're a member!!! I complained they had false and misleading advertising. If enough of us complain, their reputation will sink into the toilet where all good turds belong.


Posted by: Claire at April 7, 2004 07:32 PM

Tunesmith - I'm raising my hand in response to your comment about us not saying negative things in regard to the other matchmaking services. In my experience with both JDate and I am finding that they both leave just about everything to be desired in terms of matching you up with the kind of people you are interested in meeting. DO ANY OF THE POWERS THAT BE AT THESE ORGANIZATIONS ACTUALLY TAKE THE TIME TO READ WHAT YOU WE LABORIOUSLY AND THOUGHTFULLY TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE? I don't know about you, Tunesmith, but my profile was a very honest and straightforward expression of who I am and the kind of man I am interested in having in my life; otherwise it would be a waste of everyone's time and money. I'd be willing to bet, though, that if I lied about my age or were allowed to leave it blank, I would be receiving some real interest from the opposite sex because I have a great profile and my photo (I believe) shows that I'm fairly easy on the eye. So do I blame the services or do I blame men who, no matter what their age, are looking for women far younger than I? Or maybe the meatmarket society we live in. Anyway, I've become disillusioned with the whole PROCESS, and my pets are looking more companionable all the time.

Posted by: Andrea at April 7, 2004 11:10 PM

Tunesmith: There's probably mostly eHarmony discussion here because you're the #1 link on Google for "eharmony sucks". I just signed up for eHarmony (3mo@49.95) a week ago and I've gotten 4 local matches so far, but none have responded to my canned questions. I'm glad I found this site because now I know I'm not alone.

I can't believe eHarmony matches must also subscribe just to respond to me! If I wanted a girl to notice me and I bought her a drink or a present, she wouldn't have to buy one for me too. Why isn't eHarmony the same way? For a more expensive service than, it doesn't seem like they're providing more value for paying customers.

Posted by: jon at April 8, 2004 02:32 AM

Even in our "advanced" society women continue to be commodities. Older women are not desirable from the point of view of male fantasy. And the whole system continues because women are willing to go out with me twice their age.

E-Harmony caters to the male fantasy. Although in bars, 22 year-old men try to pick me up, e-harmony would match me with men as old as 57! Not only that, but I can't be matched with younger men because the system does not allow a user to expand the age range in both directions. In other words, for a man to accept an older match, e-harmony would force him to eliminate all the younger ones. Like that would ever happen!!!

What bothers me is the hypocrisy. The following advice comes from the e-harmony website, where the founder is counselling a woman not to be so picky:

"...the narrow age range you require makes it much harder to find someone who is well-suited for you. If I personally introduced you to a 50-year-old gentleman who was attractive and well-suited for you, would you really refuse him just on the basis of his age? I can't believe that you would. The fact is, how a person ages is a function of how he or she lives."

Why doesn't this apply for men as well?

Posted by: Jill at April 9, 2004 11:11 AM

E-harmony is a total hoax. First, they claim they select "compatible" matches, but they don't say on what grounds they measure compatibility. For example, suppose you show up as introverted. Does that mean you are matched with other introverts? Or with extroverts?
Secondly, they put you through a lengthy phase in which you state the traits you "must have" in a mate and those that you "can't stand." The "can't stands" are an exercise in futility. How does this screen anybody? For example, suppose a man states he can't stand a woman who lies and cheats. How many women will say "oops, he doesn't like liars and cheaters; I guess I will withdraw."

Posted by: Joan at April 9, 2004 07:21 PM

Whew...about to sign up for the hefty price of $50 for 1 month on eharmony...I was sifting through sites looking for a promo code to use for a better deal! WOW! I did I up on a deal here when I began reading what I was merely feeling about the guys I've been matched with so far. They don't say much about what I am looking for, and yet I am supposed to dish out $$ to meet them? I have used've experienced more negative than positive there, but I don't usually PAY for internet dating, as I let the guys do that and contact me! Call me cheap or old fashioned, but I am worth the small price they pay to meet me! :) Happy Hunting, what do ya'll say we build our own dating site-what a racket! ~Cr8zy

Posted by: MonCheri at April 10, 2004 10:21 AM

Others have mentioned creating our own dating site here as well. Tunesmith, any ideas? What a hoot that would be! I don't know the logistics of doing this, but it sounds like an interesting and interested group of people on this site. So how about it?

Posted by: Andrea at April 10, 2004 10:47 PM

Well, looks like people are getting along pretty well, and some of us have chosen to share our email addresses... so all that's left is for everyone to pay me fifty bucks! Woo-hoo! Yay me!

Let's see. I *am* a web programmer. If I were to start a dating service, what would it look like? I think that the whole thing about focusing on profiles is stupid because they are too controlled. Interaction is better. So what you do is you start a big discussion community where everyone can start any topic they want. People sign up anonymously - no personally identifiable information - but age, gender, and location are required, with other criteria optional. Then as everyone participates in discussions, if you like what someone says, you can start talking privately or something. Maybe that's where the money would come in. Public discussions for free, private messages for like five bucks a connection? Second, it could be like in that the service could sponsor face-to-face meetings, for five bucks a head.

Well, that's my idea for a community, but it would take a whole lot of work. The problem with match sites is scaling - none of them make any sense at all until they have millions of members, which makes it very hard to start one up because no one will be interested when it's small.

Any other ideas of what would make a good match site? If not, then if any of you get married, maybe you could buy me something off my wishlist. ;-)

Posted by: tunesmith at April 10, 2004 11:10 PM

But the scaling problem goes both ways: if you've got millions of members you can't find anyone you're seriously interested in amongst the noise.

Any sort of worthwhile dating service can't really work the way the online ones currently do. There needs to be an actual human screening and interviewing applicants, doing background checks, and... dare I say it... actually doing matches. Yeah, it'd cost money. It would also actually work.

Despite all the complaints above about how people are discriminated against, they cost too much, blah blah blah... the real problem with online dating is quite simple: how the heck do you *find* anyone on a dating site? On there must be well over 5,000 women in the 30-50 age group within a 50-mile radius from my home. The criteria used for "matching" border on insane, and from the results I've gotten less than useless. Women are typically bombarded with inappropriate emails and guys have to jump through enormous hoops to get any sort of responses at all--and then it turns out that the personal ad had nothing to do with the actual person.

Discussion groups won't do it either, as otherwise Usenet would've been the world's greatest dating site. :) It takes something more than that, and that's where someone actually doing matches steps in.

I don't have any other useful suggestions. I totally agree that the current online dating sites encourage discrimination based on looks and age, but that's simply because that's the only way they give to search for potential mates--unless you want to browse through a bazillion individual ads. Personality quizzes and such won't help either, and are too easily faked anyway.

A final point: many of the women who have posted to this forum sound like they'd be interesting to date at least once... but there's no way I'd ever hope to find them on the typical online dating site.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at April 10, 2004 11:53 PM

And before someone else points it out--yes, what I described sounds very much like a personal matchmaker. I've worked with a couple of them. The few dates I went out on were quite good; the difficulty was finding compatible women in a reasonable age group for me, as people "my age" in the area are using... online dating. And the cost is a major factor, as people value their time far less than their money.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at April 11, 2004 12:18 AM

Well, I am certainly no fan of eHarmony (see above postings), but eHarmony actually DID match me with a man 5 years younger than I am. He actually sounded interesting, too. Unfortunately, he closed the match before we could correspond because "the difference in our ages is too great."

However, I really do think that one of the big problems I have with eHarmony (or any dating service, for that matter) has to do with the fact that I'm 50 and I have school-age children at home. I've written eHarmony before and explained to them that this is an issue they need to aggressively screen for in the matching process, but received no reply. I still don't think they consider this in the matching process, although everybody knows kids can be a definite "deal-breaker."

The other issue I asked them to consider in the initial matching process had to do with weight issues. I am by no means svelte, and there's no way to deal with that upfront except to close matches where the guys say cute things like, "A few extra pounds are OK, but let's face it, if you're more than 20 pounds overweight, that's not a few." Or, in the case of one recent match, "You should be between 5'2" and 5'6" in height, between 110 and 125 lbs." or some such nonsense. It went on; he was ordering a Botox queen from the Penneys catalog, I think.

So eHarmony's exhortation that you communicate with every match is a waste of time for me, more often than not. It's not that I'm too picky, as their recent spam mailing would have it; quite the contrary. I'm willing to get to know men for themselves and see what happens, but I'm not willing to get to know someone who doesn't want to know me. And I definitely don't want to waste my time with a guy who is looking for Geriatric Barbie.

You know, I do think a profile-based matching site could work, but it would have to include a lot more information in it and be more open than eHarmony. Their "we can't tell you or we'd have to kill you" secrecy about how the site works and how they match people up makes everybody naturally suspicious. And yeah, tunesmith, we'd all have to be honest about ourselves.

Anyway, thank y'all for listening. Good luck on your quests!

Posted by: anima at April 11, 2004 05:16 PM

I think the bottom line is that some things are just done better the old fashioned way... some things are just too personal and too dynamic for technology to approximate. Chemistry, attraction and the "vibe" you get around someone just can't be captured by yes and no questions, analyzed by a database.

Posted by: Tamara at April 11, 2004 10:22 PM


The grass is always greener! I'm 50 and have no kids and I get the impression that is deal breaker! Every man I've corresponded with has kids (grown or not) and their kids are the center of their life and their past experience. They write on and on about their kids this, their kids that -and I write back about my own interests which I've had a lifetime to develop. You'd think that would make me....intersting but they usually stop writing at that point. I think they feel we have nothing in common --which is pretty much true.

Lots of men love to be part of a family - don't think yours are a barrier -I've found no advantage in not having any. My freinds with kids have always met more men and dated more then I ever have.


Posted by: Sandra at April 12, 2004 11:45 AM

More about the eHarmony compatibility.

I had read somewhere that one of Dr. Warren's aphorisms is "Opposites attract and then they attack." Meaning that I suspect that the 29 dimensions compatibility actually match people who share the same answers on that 200+ question personality profile (not the "must have/can't stand" lists).

I mentioned this to a friend who said she would never date someone who matches her that closely. Not to say we're prejudiced or racists or anything like that but we do bring a lot of preconceived notions with us in these arranged dating scenarios as opposed to meeting someone by chance. Prejudices that include what we ourselves think is our ideal mate. I'm sure a lot of guys are convinced a young supermodel would be the perfect mate but the reality...

It is unfortunate that some people have had bad experiences with their matches but I hold to the idea that any service is only as good as its subscriber base. If a guy is solely going to judge you based on based on your age and appearance, would he be someone you'd spend time to get to know anyway?

I'm guessing the hurt felt from having your match closed out is far less than what you would have felt had you met him in a bar, had a fling, got worked up emotionally and then found he would only get serious with a younger woman.

My eHarmony match and I have had 4 dates and we've gotten to know each other fairly well. On the surface, there are obvious differences. She's an immigrant, I was born in this country. I love live theater, she's never seen a live play in her life. We have different tastes in books and movies.

However we did discover more compatiability when it came to more larger issues. We both have a strong sense of family. We both have aging parents that we feel a responsibility towards taking care of. We've both made similar career, education and lifestyle decisions (where to live what kind of place to live in).

The kicker for me is that I discovered her relationship with her best friend mirrors the relationship I have with my best friend.

It would have been very easy to dismiss her early on based on the obvious differences in our profiles. However, once we spent some time with each other and opened up about our personal lives it was pretty clear we were more alike than different. Is that a good thing for a relationship? Who knows?

I'm actually much more excited about this match than my dry prose would indicate. We enjoy each other's company a great deal. Discovering our similarities and learning from our differences has been a joy.

For those of you who have scant few matches on eHarmony I won't say "hang in there and be patient." eHarmony may not be the right service for you and if you decide it's not, you have every right to cut your losses. I decided early on that was definitely not my scene even though it works well for another friend of mine.

I can't even offer to be creative in your search for mates. How creative is getting online? I can say that it does help if you can be in a place where you're comfortable or "in your element" both physically and spiritually. It's probably where you project the truest image of yourself.


Posted by: Isaac at April 12, 2004 11:55 AM


While I wouldn't go so far as to say eharmony is a scam, I could say it is at the very least misleading. Some questions I have for Dr. Neil Clark Warren, who by the way reminds me of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. How did you go about assigning a value of $40 to the personality profile? Who has ever paid $40 for this profile? Answer. Nobody! Ever! There wouldn't be an without it being free. It's there hook to lure you in. I was interested in taking the profile to see what it said. I found it fairly accurate. Then though I didn't sign up for the service, they started sending me matches, about 10 or so the first couple days. So sure, I became more interested, but still didn't bite. And I couldn't respond to them without being a member. More time go's by, probably a couple weeks. Then they send me an e-mail for a discounted membership. I still didn't join. About a month or so after first taking the personality profile, they sent me another giving me one months membership free. Bingo! So I joined. Then all of the sudden they sent me a lot of matches. Keep in mind for that previous month they were sending me new matches occasionally trying to tease me in. But I join, and suddenly a LOT more get sent. Then at the end of the first week, it slows down drastically. About 4 or 5 days before my free membership expires, I start getting a lot of new matches again. A friend of mine had noted this when she joined, and she made the mistake of paying for 6 months in advance. Shortly after she joined, the activity level fell way off. She didn't get any matches for a couple months at one point. Then about the time her membership expired, she got a bunch more.

I met three of the girls I was matched with in that month. Nice girls, but no love connection. My friend and I both came to believe that a lot of the people who we were matched with but were non-responsive were those who, like me in the beginning, probably tried the personality profile, but didn't actually join. Which is misleading, because unless they are a member, they can't contact you back, so why bother sending them as a match in the first place. Back to the trying to hook you in argument.

I also have a problem with Dr. Warrens assertion in many of his ads that "these eharmony marriages are significantly happier." How does he quantify that. For him to know that every eharmony marriage is happier, he would also have to know the status of every non-eharmony marriage. I think their advertising preys on those who are particularly susceptible to the "soul mate" theory which unfortunately is running rampant now.

Posted by: CRASH at April 12, 2004 05:11 PM

Per Isaac 'I can say that it does help if you can be in a place where you're comfortable or "in your element" both physically and spiritually. It's probably where you project the truest image of yourself.'

What the heck does that mean?

Yes -Isaac your prose is very dry.

So dry you sound exactly like all the marketing and write ups that appear on the Eharmony site. Nothing you say has the ring of truth or sounds like an actual experience.

For example - the kicker is that you both have best freinds? Umm ok whatever.

If you write again provide some details - something that would help prove you aren't some PR guy from EH. Which is what I think you are.

Posted by: Very suspicious of Isaac at April 12, 2004 05:18 PM

It seems to me that the comments here about how much more effective it would be to set up a matchmaking site based upon honest interactions sounds an awful lot like -- meeting in real life! The problem with meeting on-line is that you meet people out of context of their real lives, and it can take a while to discover the truth about them. But, that truth always does come out. Like body weight and age. People lie about that; don't they think you will notice the truth the first time you meet?

The bottom line, for me, is that I believe in reality we only meet one or maybe two (three?) people in our entire lives with whom we really connect on a very serious marriage level. All the rest is entertainment. On-line sites are one form of entertainment. You could also join clubs or participate in activities that you enjoy, and meet people. And, once in a long while, you click.

Posted by: Emily at April 13, 2004 05:45 PM

Yeah, that's why I think some sort of thing would be a good combination with a match service. actually does that sort of thing - local group activities - but I've never felt tempted to go, however. while I don't think folks that go to them are silly, I would feel too silly about it myself.

Maybe if these match services silently and secretly took over these other existing meetings... almost like flash mobs! Like, there's this hip "knitting group" here in Portland that meets once a week, except it's all twenty-somethings. A match group could say that a whole bunch of singles are going to it, and then the poor knitting group would be overrun for one night only from all these people pretending to be interested in knitting.

Or, or! Support groups! Those groups are just RIPE for takeover! Just make up some sort of trauma, but make sure to wear your date clothes!

I'm just kidding. That's awful. Click on my ads if I disgust you, that'll show me.

Posted by: tunesmith at April 13, 2004 06:15 PM

...make sure to wear your 'date clothes'??? TFF...TFF! :-)

Wondering if this happened to anyone else familiar with this an email from this guy today asking for more feedback on my eharmony experience.

He said several of his friends had been happy with eharmony over the last 3 years but he wanted my feedback as well. So I replied and said IMHO eharmony was a waste and not to go there. I also added that it was...well..weird that he would ask a perfect stranger what they thought of eharmony and not take into account what his 'friends' had said since his friends obviously knew him waaay better than a perfect stranger.

So he replied saying thanks but he was open to other feedback. My last response to him suggested he was undercover for eharmony and something was fishy...but wished him luck.

Eureka! (Or "Topeka" as Kelly Bundy would say)...he used to work in the on-line dating arena...and I guess he is 'reaching out' to other museworld devotees to ask their opinions of eharmony as well!

Hopefully he clicked on one or two ads before he split!

Posted by: calichick at April 13, 2004 08:17 PM

Cali ...

I think I got the same email as you did from that guy. Funny ... before I read your posting here, I replied to him exactly as you did! You know, eHarmony is not for me, but your friends' opinion may be more valuable than a stranger's.

I don't know, though, that I think eHarmony is employing "spies", as has been speculated by a few people here. What I think is, eHarmony doesn't really care what people say. There are always going to be disgruntled customers, and there are always going to be fresh ones to replace them.


Posted by: anima at April 14, 2004 04:36 AM

I just joined e-harmony last week, and already have had four matches, and contacted two of them.
The thing I liked about e-harmony is that they do try to match you with someone who has similar background and interests, unlike where you have to sift to lots of profiles to find anyone capatible. I do like seeing a photo of my matches right away, and you can't access these on e-harmony until you join and pay the fee. Another negative aspect is that they do seem to have a huge age-range for matches, and most of them tend to be in their 60's for me, and I would have preferred the 40-50 age range. I'm not ready for the geriatric crowd yet!

Posted by: at April 14, 2004 10:11 AM

Hey Everyone,

I appreciate your individual comments. To answer your question, I do not work for eHarmony.
I've had a number of years internet dating, and actually have had similar experiences as you. However, I've also had good experiences and have made a few friends even to this day.
I appreciate reading everyone's input.
Let me say this, when subscribing to any dating service, whether it's eHarmony or not, there is always an element of risk with a combination of sincerety and insincerety. Many years ago, when telephone sex and dating lines were just starting out and into their high point during a transition to internet dating, I had worked in the industry for years in an operational capacity, both in the accounting and marketing aspect. I learned a lot, and unfortunately, these companies are looking out to make a profit at your expense regardless if they are Christian or not.
I understood the marketing tactics and the phony seed message both on the telephone lines and and the phony profiles needed to attract new customers as the competition was steadily growing with Mom and Pop dating services springing about everywhere both on the telephone, in the newpaper classifieds and the internet.
Be warned, that being successful at dating from these avenues are merited to finding real people connecting, which is now and then and not so often as people may think or what advertisers may lead you to believe. You also need to realize, that there are REAL people, who work for these dating companies, and are PAID to respond to users as to give them the idea, that they are so called "Real" people looking for love. On the flip side of the coin, there are real people on there, spending their money and sincerely looking for someone. However, there is no sure proof how to know, who's real and who's not. You may be wasting time seeing a good profile, and writing a personal customized email or message to a dead "seed" message or profile. Therein lies the risk, that everyone must take in order to find "real" love.
I would only suggest writing a form letter to interesting profiles, that you like, so you don't waste your time. As long as your form letter is very sincere about yourself, your goals and perspectives on life, then only time will tell, if someone, who is real enough, will want to reach out and get to know you more.
In the end, if you can afford to waste $50 for a month to see how you feel about it, dive in. But just remember, this is corporate America. Eharmony is a business foremost, and just roll the dice, and pray that you get in touch with the real ones out there.

Blessings to everyone here...


Posted by: Tank at April 14, 2004 11:42 AM

Hi guys - I got the same e-mail some of you have received and it immediately smelled of spy for eharmony or other matching services, so I didn't respond. If you look carefully on that email you'll notice the configuration of arrows or carrots (sideways) or whatever you call them looks very much like the fish symbol for Christianity. Very interesting. I've cancelled my membership to Jdate because the returns were in the realm of nada, but am still with, with a return of next to nada during one month's time. Hey, I'm a cutie with a good background. My self-esteem is really headed for the toilet about now. I may need some moral support. Anyone?

Posted by: Andrea at April 14, 2004 11:55 AM

Hi Tank - read your message above AFTER writing my message (above), then realized that email message I received (and didn't respond to) yesterday was from you! You clarified, to some degree, who you are. However, if you were already familiar with this weblog, why did you send us individual emails to get our take on matching services, when some of us were quite explicit in this forum on how we feel about our experiences with them? It all sounds odd to me, very odd.

Posted by: Andrea at April 14, 2004 12:11 PM

Hi Andrea,

It's just my preference to write to people individually to get their take on their negative or weird experiences as I am a personal person, and really not into using a chat forum format, which I am now doing..
Sorry, I didn't mean to invade your privacy.

Posted by: Tank at April 14, 2004 12:25 PM

I am very discouraged by reading this but it seems so weird. I signed up for eharmony just a few weeks ago and I have gotten a ton of matches and four have already gone to full communication. They are also all from within 50 miles of where I live. I had no idea it was a "Christian" site, and although I'm Catholic, I'm far from evangelical, and that hasn't factored in to any of my matches, or any of the profiles or conversations. I find it very odd that people are actually getting "rejected". I think you guys might have filled out some extremely strange profiles. No offense meant, but seriously, I've had nothing but a good experience in the past couple of weeks.

Posted by: laci at April 16, 2004 03:32 AM

Maybe what's really needed is for us all to gather in one place and have a big group hug. What do you say gang? LOL

Posted by: Pam at April 16, 2004 07:34 PM

I had typed "eharmony sucks" into Google and arrived here. Unfortunately or fortunately (not sure), I am too pathetic for eHarmony to help, as I am one of the 20% they say they cannot help. So I guess I saved $50?

I am too introverted and lack self-esteem, I suppose, which doesn't mean I'm a terrible match for EVERYONE. I'm sure I was a lot more honest than most guys who put their accounts up on eHarmony. I guess Dr. "I have a PhD and have studied the relationships of billions of successfully married couples" doesn't deal with the more socially inept among us.

Posted by: Dave / Durham, NC at April 18, 2004 08:48 PM

Aw, Dave ... don't feel as though you're missing anything except further blows to your self-esteem. Seriously, I don't understand this "we can't help you" business, but I'd rather have been told this upfront by them, than have them take my money and have to discover on my own that they can't help me.


Posted by: anima at April 18, 2004 09:33 PM

To current eHarmony customers. I haven't used the service in some months. Are they still telling you when they send you a name that "A match is not ordinary and does not happen very often" while at the same time they are bombarding you with matches nothing like you or perhaps are nonexistent as Tank as suggested. I wonder now too after reading his comments if some of my initial matches were fakes.

Posted by: Pam at April 19, 2004 03:12 PM

Pam - don't you sometimes wish we lived in simpler times?

Posted by: Andrea at April 19, 2004 03:51 PM

Pam - don't you sometimes wish we lived in simpler times?

Posted by: Andrea at April 19, 2004 03:51 PM

Oops, sorry Pam, it posted twice.

Posted by: Andrea at April 19, 2004 03:56 PM

Hi Andrea and Everyone,

Andrea I have really enjoyed your honesty and your comments on this site. Yes, simpler times would be nice. As I was reading your queston I was thinking of in college I took a Marriage and Family class. The professor who was born and had lived much of his life in an Asian country told us about how successful arranged marriages are there. He said I know most of you would never consent to marrying someone you don't know first. But he said the process of the parents carefully screening potential mates for their child often meant over time even though the two began as strangers they would fall deeply in love as they learned and shared more and more with each other because they went into the relationship committed to making it last no matter what. I want you to know I have really enjoyed everyones comments on this board. I have a few other interesting things to share with you about my eharmony experience and when I get it together I will post it. BTW anyone on this board a Josh Groban fan? I am 44 and so out of what's popular anymore. They were playing his CD in the Hallmark store last week, I bought it and have played it at least a hundred times. Ironically often when I have been reading the comments on this board. Yesterday it hit me here I am listening to these beautiful love songs in Italian and English while taking stock of what's going on in people's love lifes (or lack thereof I should say). Hang in there everyone, talk to you soon.


Posted by: Pam at April 20, 2004 05:03 PM

Why oh why did I not find this site before joining eharmony? I too have been bombarded with so called "matches" and would love to know how this "scientific" process works. The few that have truly seemed compatible to me have closed communication before we even get past stage 3, if at all. The most promising one closed me because he didn't think there was enough chemistry. Chemistry?!? I hadn't even seen his picture yet! And I must agree about the "Interests you share" section. Some of my "shared interests" included eating. Eating. Last I checked, that was necessary for life, not an interest. If I had known anything about their actual process, I never would have given them my hard earned cash. Thanks so much for letting me vent.

Posted by: jlf at April 20, 2004 10:36 PM

Hello Pam,
Thank you for your kind words, and what you said is food for thought. Having lived in Japan, I have seen arranged marriages in action and the scrutiny that goes into the "arranging" of families as well as the lives of the individuals involved. Something you may or may not know - in Japan,prospective arrangees are not forced to marry - not by any means. The parents, friends, and people of influence in the couple's lives act much like, well, dating services over here. If you think the Eharmony profile, with it's supposedly 29 critical areas of compatibility (ha ha)is anywhere near comprehensive, it's nothing when compared with arrangement-type profiling that goes on in Japan. Even blood-type is a serious consideration when picking mates.
The bottom line here is that although the divorce rate is steadily on the rise there, the vows seem to be taken much more conscientiously. Something to think about.
I enjoy you guys and your comments so very much. Keep it coming!

Posted by: Andrea at April 20, 2004 11:01 PM

You know, one idea I had is that if people had publicly available profiles on one service or another, we could always ask for contructive criticism here. I know that when I'm looking, I'm usually pretty disappointed at the lack of response, even though the folks I know in person are usually quite complimentary of me. ;-)

Hey, and thanks for the ad clicking - on average I seem to be making about a dollar a day. A nice little way to defray some of my internet bills. I'm trying to increase the popularity of my weblog in other ways to boost that up, but I'm sure it'll be a long-term project. Keep clicking away! :-)

Posted by: tunesmith at April 21, 2004 02:24 AM

Hi tunesmith,
Great idea! I have 2 profiles out there, if you want to take a look and perhaps give me some constructive input. We already know that my age is a factor to men who are unwilling or unable to think outside the box. So, here goes: - munchkin705
Jdate - Andrea3012
Let me know what you think, OK? And thank you.
I have been doing regular advertisement clicks for you, and happy to do so.

Posted by: Andrea at April 21, 2004 10:04 AM

I think eharmony has great marketing and a homey sounding jingle but thats about it. I have been sent: Matches w/out a photo (why bother?) matches anywhere fr.1,000 to 7,000 miles a way from me and of course the ones they send you that just never respond., is better if only for the reason you have some control over who you select and visa versa. I'm new to the whole internet dating thing (4 mo's, gosh maybe i'm a veteran now) and find it very antiseptic and cold. I think nothing can replace the chemistry of mtg.someone via fate, happenstance or just plain bring your ass to a bar, send her a drink and cross your fingers. I think people hide behind computer screens vs.interacting on a deeper level in person. So many people have told me "oh, i can be more free on the internet".Well, thats great but i think a lot of it is hyperbole (I mean jesus christ, does everyone like hiking,biking,camping and red wine drinking along w/walks in the rain, jeez!)E harmony seems to want to pigeon hole you into a "personality type". I think the dudes fr.eharm.need to go to a bar, party or some place singles go and do some investigating. Hey though, I'm slightly jaded since my ex took all our furniture one night & moved two states away to live w/her awful,dumb parents and left me w/a cat and a bunch of impending wedding bills. The good news is if the statistics hold 50% of these happy lil'eharmoners who I keep having to see (benny & joon , engaged June 2003, yuck!)will be right back herw w/the rest of us!

Posted by: Brendan at April 21, 2004 01:47 PM

Hi Andrea,

Thanks for your followup to what I said. How interesting that you lived in Japan. I took that class 25 years ago so of course perhaps what the professor said then may not be pertinent today. When the crown prince was getting married a few years ago I thought the whole process about how strict the criteria were and how that meant it had taken him so long to find a mate was really fascinating.

Hey Tunesmith no problem. I will just keep clicking away as well.


Posted by: Pam at April 21, 2004 04:25 PM

I feel your pain.


Posted by: Andrea at April 21, 2004 04:27 PM

Only comment I have is a general one - sometimes I think photos with a bit more spontaneous life in them are attractive to people, like one that shows you interacting with something that's important to you, or laughing with friends, things like that. You might consider adding one of those. Beyond that I don't have much - I'm low thirties so I don't have much insight into what guys in your desired age range are looking for!

Posted by: tunesmith at April 21, 2004 05:58 PM

I spent 30 minutes+ doing that silly personality test...

Only to be told that I had no matches.
Hey, not a problem!
"Hey, what's a 13 hour drive for a date if she's the perfect girl? Sounds worthwhile to me!"
I expanded it to nationally...
No matches.

"Ok, this sucks!" I think. "Surely there's some girl out there in Botswana or Sri Lanka that's dying to meet me, though".

*expands it to worldwide*

"We're sorry, we were unable to find a match for you".

Finally I know the secret to it all: I'm incompatible with the entire human race!
I suppose I'll have to wait until they have a "galactic search" option to find that perfect hair...even if she does end up having green hair and tentacles.

Posted by: jaxnut at April 22, 2004 12:29 AM

I feel your pain.


Posted by: Andrea at April 22, 2004 09:04 AM

Laci, I'm glad, that it's working out for you. However, remember, that any guy could write the sweetest profile until you honestly get to know them. If you want to test your matchs' integrity, then see if they believe and can practice with you a celibate relationship until marriage as you say, that you are Catholic.

Dave, as a member of the human tribe, we all lack self-esteem and have our moments of introvertness from time to time. We are a messed up race of beings. For those, who get rejected from being a part of Eharmony, you saved your self from living hell.

Pam, as with anyone on Eharmony or other dating sites, you will get a combo of fake and real matches. I've worked in the business years ago behind the scenes enough to know what it takes to get customers.
I also took a marriage and family course back at Cal State Northridge. While it may be true, that arranged marriages have a certain success rate, it's really the value of developing true solid sincere friendship with your future partner, that's going to be the mark of a healthy long lasting marriage. Having been partially raised in an asian culture as a Filipino, I'm very familiar with the arranged marriage traditions as my parents had wanted me to go that route once as they would have picked someone for me. However, as I said, a foundation of solid friendship and strong committment to that friendship, is the real key. Let's face it, if you're already married, and you don't call your wife or husband your best friend, then that marriage is already in trouble.

Brendan, I saw the movie "Benny & Joon" many years ago with Johnny Depp and they never did meet through Eharmony. Ha!

Remember Eharmony and all the rest are money making venture operations with some misleading advertising.

Just three days before my trial ended, I cancelled my account with difficulty. I had to call the Pasadena office to complain about the mismatches, and also told them, that I used to work in the telephony industry and know what goes on behind the scenes, and really made a stink, that they claim to be sincere, but yet they are just like every other site out there.



Posted by: Tank at April 22, 2004 01:28 PM

Thanks Andrea, lol.

And that was supposed to be perfect GIRL, not hair, lol. I suppose the thought of some girl on Mars with purple hair lusting for me had my thought processes all scrambled. No, seriously, yuck, I'll stick to this planet.
For now.

And as an update, next day...a match! In the same city as me, no less.

......I just can't figure out if I actually want to pay $50, though. Especially just to find that "one perfect match" that eharmony just found me, who is probably in all actuality a GUY, who was drunk last night and clicked the wrong gender by mistake.

Hum, decisions, decisions...

Posted by: jaxnut at April 22, 2004 08:52 PM

Eharmony blows! Thought what the hell, give it a shot. Thought my profile was accurate - BUT, based on all the "matches" sent to me - I am positive all they look at is your age and where you live. I was very clear - no kids and no "heavy" women. I also wanted to set my desired age range. NOPE! You are only allowed to go older or younger, but not both. I wanted to move both the upper and lower ages down. 90% of the matches sent to me were 4 to 6 years older than me and I swear every one had kids, most living at home! Based on my matches, it seems like most eharmony members are 46+ year old women. I bailed after 3 months. I met a friend through work. I envy the guy that started eharmony - easy money!

Posted by: Ron at April 24, 2004 04:35 AM

You are all so right about eHarmony. I had the same overall experiences as most of the posts. I wish I had read this site before I tried eHarmony!

Andrea, I liked reading your posts. You sound great to me! How far are you from San Diego?


Posted by: JEF at April 26, 2004 02:53 PM


I have found this whole conversation very interesting!

Here are my stats:

Divorced. Female. 37.

It's been 8 (!) years since I left my ex-husband, but I have yet to seriously date. The fact that I have a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old (I was pregnant when I left), is surely part of the problem. Also, I am chicken, and I suspect that I don't MIND being by myself enough.

I have online dated off and on for many years. Long enough that I really miss Yahoo free personals, and think there is a place for a decent free personals site. As part of a good sized ISP perhaps. You pay for the ISP, but you get the personal for free. I think AOL used to be that way?

ANYway, I recently managed to cancel my AOL, and have a little extra cash. My (married) friend mentioned how she though eHarmony was interesting. I have had a profile (ok, 2 profiles) there, but I never paid to be a member. I have a really hard time with the idea that I have to PAY to talk to a man! But I keep getting the promo codes; I had almost decided to take advantage of this month's 3-months-for-the-price-of-1 deal. Now I am SERIOUSLY reconsidering . .

Maybe it would be better to actually pay Match so I can write people back . . also they have been having some interesting live events in my city. (Though they seem always to be on weeknights, which is hard for my schedule . .)

Or maybe I should make 1/2 an effort to actually find someone offline. I am friends with guys in a band, so I am in bars frequently enough, but the thought of dating bar-guys is not so appealing. But I could, perhaps, talk to strangers (gasp) in the building I work in . .

One guy asked me out at the zoo once, while we were sitting on the bench watching our kids on the playground. We went out once, but there was nothing there, but I suppose, ->I

Take the money I would invest in online dating and buy a decent pair of black heels . .

Just thinking out loud. Thanks for listening! Feel free to chip in with any insights!

Posted by: Codename: Koriandr at April 26, 2004 03:49 PM

Oops. I freaked out the text editor:


Should read "I could ask strangers out."

Posted by: at April 26, 2004 03:51 PM

I find this whole conversation very interesting.

My viewpoint on the 2 sites: -- TRASH THE SITE...It's awful. You put in a profile on December 1st, 2003, and between then and now, no woman bothers to initiate anything at all (yes, even with a picture on the site), and as for getting responses back from people that I've spent countless hours writing and in many cases proofreading 5-10 times each, I've gotten a single email back from maybe 3 of them, and actually met 1 person just to find out that what she advertises is nothing like what she is looking for. They have a "Dating" and a "Friends" section. She was looking just to meet people, and I'm looking to date, hoping that some day, that one woman that fits perfectly with me is found, and maybe I'll actually be married one day (I'm 10 days shy of turning 29, so at least I still have time). I'm discontinuing my membership.

As for, I only joined last Tuesday. Already, I've gotten 14 matches, of which, 3 really don't match what I'm looking for, but before closing them, I'd see if they wanted to initiaite conversation, but they will have to go first. Of the other 11, one beat me to the initiation, the other 10 I started. Out of them, 2 of the 11 I'm already in the "Open Conversation" mode, one of them I'm in step 4 of the communication process, one I'm in step 2 with, one of them closed me saying my profile wasn't what she was looking for, and the other 6 haven't responded. Still, talking to 4 in less than a week, and 2 of them already freely sending emails, to me is actually good. Granted, it's only about a 40% response rate, but still, other sites, the response rate is less than 1% it seems. Granted, somebody did say that there are more women than men on the site, so I could have a higher number of responses due to my being a guy, but still, I'm satisfied with the service thus far. I'm well aware that that could very well change down the road, but this is where I'm at at the moment. The other thing I like about eharmony is they do the searching for you, rather than where you say you want someone who's female, white, non-smoker, between 22 and 33 (the age range I used when I was on there, so I had no problem with eharmony's suggestion of 21-30), and within 60 miles of Charlotte, NC, and end up sifting through 200 matches that don't always fit the criteria (like, I got some that did smoke). All that bogus is done for you on eharmony.

Well, there's my input on the 2 sites. Logging on to is worse than a root canal.

Posted by: Patrick at April 26, 2004 05:06 PM

It's nice that Patrick is so easily pleased! Just getting people to write to me is not what I'm looking for. I want people that I'm compatible with! I didn't find any in 3 months on EH.

So I closed out after 3 months. I fully expected they would require a comment - have some sort of form on why I'm leaving. But no. Nada. Nothing. They did want to know how I could change my settings so I'd stay. But if I'm not interested in giving them more money - they offered no comment space for me to tell them why I'm leaving. (I could go somewhere and email them but they did not encourage that.)

And that just sucks! What kind of organization does not solicit feedback and try to learn how to do a better job? A very poor one. I had taken mental notes and was prepared to give them a lot of constructive feedback - and it's just pitiful that they didn't bother to try to collect that from me.

One thing was made very clear as the door hit me on the way out.

They just do not care.


Posted by: Sandra at April 26, 2004 10:05 PM

Hi guys - Here's an interesting turn of events. I actually met a really sweet and very interesting man through - and he lives right here in Denver! (I'm sorry, Jef, but I so appreciate your lovely compliment. Who knows? If this doesn't work out ... I've never been to San Diego, but I have been dying to visit the zoo there ....)
I want to point out that I was a woman who sent many emails to different men as their profiles came up for my "perusal". So pitifully few chose to even respond.(Whatever happened to common courtesy? Yes, I know; it went the way of the DeLorean.)
Maybe I won't have to go to Tibet and become a Buddhist nun after all! Wish me luck. However, I fully intend to keep up with The Muse on a regular basis; it's become an integral part of my day, and I'm learning so much stuff from all of you.

Posted by: Andrea at April 27, 2004 12:09 AM

I bailed after one month and had the same thing happen to me as it did Sandra. I, too, was ready to give them some constructive feedback (as well as some complaining), but there was not a place to give a comment. So I sent their customer service department a letter outlining my experience and provided them with some suggestions. I have yet to hear back from them; no "thanks for your business" or even an offer of better service. All I got was a note that said I was not eligible for a refund.

Posted by: JEF at April 27, 2004 01:11 PM

I have had the audacity to email suggestions to eHarmony on a few occasions, and I believe in all but one case, I got an email back. And in every case, the email response basically pointed out that if I was experiencing any problems, I was misusing the service in some way ... need a picture, need more pictures, need to communicate with every match, need to expand my geographical preferences, etc., etc. All of which I had already done, but their response was clearly canned and they had not researched my particular problem at all.

I found that extremely irritating, no "thanks for the suggestions, we review them and make changes based on what people want."

Ultimately, I think what bugs me most about eHarmony is their ARROGANCE.

anima in Orlando

Posted by: at April 27, 2004 03:36 PM

I just wanted to comment in response to anima's frustration about not being able address the weight issue on eharmony, e.g., sorting out the guys who insist on thin girls from those who would be okay with a big girl. I've found what works for me - my "about me" page has a comment at the end that says basically "I'm big, and I'm happy". I don't initiate any communications, so I know that if the guy communicates, it's okay with him. I've learned alot from this page, guys, keep it up!

Posted by: Marina at April 27, 2004 10:57 PM

My 3 month membership expired today. I got 39 matches over the three months (only after expanding my geographical preferences to the entire US). I would divide the matches into five categories. The number of matches of that type I received is in brackets.

Good Matches [3] - Good matches are matches I actually communicated with.

Dud Type I [16] - Dud Type I matches are matches whose profiles aren't completely filled out. I put these matches on hold with the reason "your About Me answers are not complete" and waited two weeks. If the match didn't fix her profile within that time, I closed the match. Only one person fixed her profile. This person isn't included in the Dud Type I count (she turned out to be a Bomb).

Dud Type II - [11] Dud Type II matches are those matches whose profiles are complete and not in the Idiot category (below) and didn't respond to my reuqest for communication. I tried to communicate with all of these matches and waited two weeks before closing the matches.

Bombs [7] - Bombs are matches that closed the match without attempting to communicate with me. Matches that closed the match after I requested communication are considered Bombs, not Dud Type IIs.

Idiots [2] - One person's profile was in ALL CAPS, and the other's used "netspeak" like "u" instead of "you". I closed these matches immediately.

3/39 is a horrible track record. eharmony gets no more of my money.

Posted by: WWaC (West Wind and Crap) at April 27, 2004 11:10 PM

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading different folks' takes on both services as I have tried them both. I have had unbelievably good luck on yet never paid a dime. 20,000 hits in 4 months during my last stint and good quality guys that I chose to communicate with. It was especially handy when I moved from NC to Tampa, Florida as I had narrowed down my fave choices in my new locale before even having moved.I had 8 different fun dates within my first 2 weeks of moving and it also allowed me a great oppportunity to be shown around my new town learning all the hotspots while being wined and dined by very successful and dynamic men. Yes I am a female, very attractive& dynamic and my profile is written in such a way that that comes across easily. I know that as women we have it a lot easier on than do men. Most men pay. My success on Match was such that eHarmony gave me a 6 mos membership free of charge (plus I am a publicist/PR person so they knew if I was pleased I would share that info freely.) Eharmony intrigued me for a while and they found many matches for me. I was very disappointed however in the men they found compatable with me. Out of maybe 30 matches I only found 2 to be even remotely physically attractive to me. Therefore there was zero chemistry. Unfortunately many of the guys there chose not to share there pics with me till way into our communication, tho mine were available to them right away. (I know u r thinking "What a shallow bitch!" I am not at all and know that it's what comes from within that counts but if I am not in the least bit attracted to a man, then I will not put energy into finding out in a painfully slow process what makes him tick.) Anyway, I have been delighted with and it has cost me nothing. I found 2 great loves there over the past 5 years (1 I would still be with but he was killed tragicly the day before we were to go to the Carribean to be married.) Since moving 3 months ago I have turned off my profile as I found, once again, another great guy via Match. We are even more compatable than i think I was with my other 2 loves. We have only been seeing each other for a couple of months, have not said "those 3 words" yet and try to take 1 day at a time, but I am confident that we have a great shot at a future together. BTW, we scored off the scale on's new personality compatability test but were not even aware of that until after we had already begun our communications. I think there's is easily as valid as the e-Harmony test. IMPORTANT TO YOU GUYS OUT THERE: I would not have been able to communicate back when he first wrote me since I am a non-paying member but he had the foresight to offer me an alternative email address just in case I was not a paid member. I am so glad he did. Lots of guys contacted me but only a few had that same good sense so I could reply right away withpout going thru the TalkMatch system. Others that I may have had some chemistry with, I would have liked to at least respond to but they never gave me another alternative in there first communications. Instead they just kept writing and asking me why I wouldnt respond or wrote me off as arropgant and rude for ignoring them. Anyway, I am so grateful every day that my current Sweetie had that foresight in giving me an alternative or we may never have found each other. Wish us luck!
I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth as a woman whose been most pleased with her results in internet dating but knows which method works for her on a consistent basis.

Oh yeah, 1 more tip for the men out there. When you are communicating with attractive women online don't be surprised if we dont respond when you have NO PIC posted. It makes us nervous as some guys who are married don't post pics to remain anonymous plus why should we spend time and energy into writing you back when 50 other guys we can choose from DO post their pics. It's a quick elimination for many women when you dont allow us to see who is asking for our attention.Thanks for this forum.

Posted by: 'becca at April 28, 2004 09:56 AM

E-Harmnony is awful. They don't hold to their 7 day guarantee. I took it up with the Better Business Bureau, and they still refuse to budge. I've disputed it with my credit card, but haven't heard back yet.

Posted by: Art at April 28, 2004 11:11 AM

Hi WWaC - I feel your pain, however, with one word of admonishment. Do you not feel that dismissing what just possibly might be a lovely, quality lady because she wrote her profile in ALL CAPS might be a little too picky? Just a thought.


Posted by: Andrea at April 28, 2004 12:11 PM


Has anyone been able to provide you with an 'alternate' email address on Match lately?

I have had guys, apparently, try, and it looks like Match is stripping out the alternate address, and inserting their own!

Example (specific names changed):

Do I HAVE TO be within 25 miles?

Oh by the way, my name is Curtis and my e-mail is, just in case you want to actually tell me that I'm too far.

I do not for 1 moment believe dear Curtis gave me his Talkmatch address. Money hungry Match stripped it out without telling him!!

Posted by: Codename: Koriandr at April 28, 2004 02:24 PM

Yes, replaces email addresses with their addresses. They also will silently fail to deliver emails if they detect someone trying to work around this. (I have definite proof of these things happening, I ran some tests with a friend a few months ago.)

All of this is permitted by the terms of service, and they also make no guarantees that any of the emails you send will be delivered. IMO it'd be OK if they simply told the sender about it... but they don't, and deleting emails without notifying the sender is doubleplusungood. If I cared I'd be seriously tempted to sue them.

Quite frankly, any woman who's too cheap to pay for the service isn't worth dating anyway. The services aren't free; the "free profile" is just an attempt to make it look like there are a lot of paying female members, especially as someone who hasn't paid isn't likely to delete their profile either. The dating services know the real score--they're just trying to sucker guys in.

I find it fascinating that it's so difficult to get women to participate in *anything* that might involve getting to know people. And I'm not talking about just dating-related activities either, but anything that might involve personal contact at some level. It seems to come down to a control issue; from what I've seen quite a few women have an overwhelming desire to control who approaches them and in what way, but men don't generally seem to care. I'm sure there are lots of reasons for this--societal roles, parenting, self-esteem, etc. And (to keep this vaguely on topic) that's precisely why something like eHarmony might appeal to a wider range of women.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at April 29, 2004 09:30 PM

if you insert your email that is onfile into a match commuication they will sometimes change it. (maybe always now). So if you want to have it get thru, make sure you use an email they don't know about.

Posted by: yogi at April 29, 2004 10:28 PM

If match wants to strip out non-Match email addresses, I am sure it is their right.

But, to do so without notifying that same day, that they have DONE so (rather than hiding behind the small print of their regulations) is very sneaky. Bad way to treat customers that have already paid you not insignificant amounts of money.

Match should also make clear that free 'members' cannot reply. If a paying member is writing to these free 'members', he should have a clue as to why no one responds. It is unkind to make him wonder if it is what he has said.

I really think it would be better business sense to let free members answer. If you care enough to invest your money to write, at least the people you write can, if so moved, respond.

Otherwise, I think Match ought to stop displaying the free member profiles.

Their current system might not burn them today, but eventually the people paying the money are going to get tired of writing and getting no reply.

And some other dating site will eventually be created which offers a more genuine product. There is definitely a place in the market for it!

Posted by: Codename: Koriandr at April 30, 2004 09:22 AM is a good free site. Met my fiancee there. Most of what I've heard about eHarmony has been positive.

Posted by: fan at May 2, 2004 11:51 PM

I'm glad I found this page, I have been pondering whether to fork over Eharmony's insanely high membership fees. After typing in "Eharmony sucks" in Google and reading through the responses here, I am definatly NOT going to.

In fact I am probably going to give up the online dating scene altogether, and hope I meet up with the right girl [I'm only 24, so I dont consider them women yet :)] in person. I dont have much hope for that either though.

I have only been a free member of eharmony for a couple of weeks and have gotten 5 "matches" so far. Three of these closed out within a couple of days, the fourth one was too old for me, and the fifth one is still open, but since I'm not a member, I can't communicate with her. From the results you guys have gotten, she probably wouldn't even respond anyway, so why waste my hard-earned $99? Thank you for saving me some money.

There is just no substitute for meeting someone in person. You can learn 10 times more about someone by watching how they act and talk than by reading some kind of profile. Plus that, there are things you can lie about online that you cant lie about in person.

Posted by: Ben at May 5, 2004 07:20 PM

My story is a little different...

I've been a nonpaying member for Eharmony for over 1 yr and a half, and I have gotten a total of 9 matches within a 30 mile radius. At last count 2 matches were on hold, 3 matches were open but I put them on hold, and 4 matches had closed out (one because I failed to communicate, one for the "I'd rather not say" reason, but the other two I met). I am currently out of the matching database and am contemplating closing my account entirely.

One of my matches put his email address on his profile and I emailed him. We met, and he was everything I've ever wanted in a guy except that we had no chemistry. Honestly, he was the person that is the most like me that I've ever met, including my own family members! It was uncanny and weird. Even our quirks we had in common!

I put my email address on my profile (I'm a poor college student and not going to join anyway; I initially did Eharmony for the free profile and was not looking to meet people that way), and one of my matches wrote me. We corresponded for a month, then met in person. I had never even seen his picture before we met, but I was not disappointed! He is very cute!
We are dating now. He is everything I have ever hoped for and he is the closest person to a soulmate that I have ever encountered. We are so compatible, and I am happier and more relaxed than I have been in any relationship. I was attracted to his personality before I ever met him, and now I'm attracted to him physically as well.

If we end up getting married, I will send Eharmony a donation. I have recommended Eharmony to all of my single friends.

Eharmony really does work, although maybe not for everyone. It involves A LOT of patience and a willingness to look at the person's personality, not just their physical appearance.

Posted by: Cinnamon at May 6, 2004 09:58 AM

We are living proof that e-harmony can work wonders! We just celebrated our 1st anniversary, and both of us feel extremely blessed. Having both been married before (we are in our 40's) we KNOW what a great match this is! E-harmony, we THANK YOU!
Top tips for using e-harmony:
1. Start from a position of strength, not desperation. Only begin searching for a mate when you have all other areas of life in place: ie. when work is going well, when you have your own set of friends and activities you enjoy, when your child / ren are doing well. If this is not the case, work on these areas first. Sharing life with someone is not the same as expecting them to 'make' life for you.
2. Write down for yourself exactly what you are looking for in terms of personality, values, energy level, education etc. Aim high and do NOT compromise.
3 In our experience there are way more women on the site than men. My husband, in Arizona, received 300+ matches, while up in Canada, I received a 10th of that. For everyone: be picky. If you are receiving lots of matches, don't feel obligated to communicate with them all. Read their profiles carefully and weed out ones whose responses are vague, or don't intrigue you. Let your defined list of what you are seeking guide you to good matches.
4. Be 'real'. Be willing to share who you are, and expect others to do the same. If they are hard to get to know, or aren't able to communicate from their heart, don't spend time trying to figure them out - move on to someone who is willing to be open and can share both the good times they have had, and can also tell you about some of the bad times in their lives.
5. If you decide to meet with someone, keep it low key. Be yourself. While talking, keep what you are looking for in mind, and seek to identify if this person meets that. Don't get pulled in by looks alone, dig deeper. Listen well. If you find you are enjoying their company and want to get to know them more, offer to meet again. If you don't feel a 'pull' to spend more time with them, DON"T.
6. Identify whether the person you are with is emotionally healthy. A good rule of thumb, for you and for them, is to only date people who have been on their own for 2 years or more if they have experienced a divorce or separation. People need at least that much time to heal, reflect and be comfortable with who they are before joining together with someone else as a couple. Listen for 'blaming' language, unresolved anger, inability to accept responsibility, uncaring actions... If you see these, RUN!
7. Meet their friends and family. One can tell a LOT about someone based on the types of people they hang out with, and the activities they are involved in. (I met my husband's family during the difficult time of his dad's passing. In such a crucible as this, the stability or non--stability of family dynamics is very apparent)
8. If you live far away from each other, work to spend as much time together as possible. During those times, spend time doing simple day to day stuff, like groceries! to see if you truly do enjoy each other's company no matter what you are doing. Having only 'romantic' dates may keep fantasies alive, but won't give you a true picture of what life may be like.
9. If you or your match, or both, have children, spend time together as a group so you can identify whether the children will meld too. (Between us, we have 4 children, my daughter who lives with us full-time and 3 great boys who are with us part-time)
10. Talk, talk and talk some more - about what you want out of the future, your expectations of family life, what you love about life, what drives you crazy, how you parent or expect to parent... talk about everything before committing to life long marriage A bad marriage is truly a tragedy. A great marriage is an incredible blessing for the couple, their children and future generations.
11 AIM HIGH. Don't compromise. Don't settle for less because that 'is all that is out there'. You are an incredible person yourself, and you deserve an incredible partner!
Blessings to all

Posted by: very happily married at May 6, 2004 12:44 PM

Hey everyone,

I'm back again! Cinnamon and Very Happily Married...I'm glad eHarmony has worked for you. My experience is much different since I joined eHarmony on March 12.

Several lopsided "matches" and one comical eHarmony date later (the guy was a total playa and actually took a call from another match on his cell phone while we were eating dinner!) I decided that I was being too finicky and took the good Doctor N.C.W.'s advice to "consider each match carefully, regardless of what you think of their age, distance, etc. and communicate with every match."

This past week I received four new matches. All of them were older gents (age 57, 59 and two 58s) who live a good 50+ miles away from me. Being a good Catholic school girl who heeds her teachers' advice, I contacted all of them.

Within 12 hours, they had all closed me out without reciprocating communication. One had "too much going on in his life". Another cited "age, distance and difference in values". The last one, a pompous-sounding doctor who didn't have his picture posted, closed me out because he "didn't feel chemistry". Chemistry!!!! What chemistry? We hadn't even emailed each other!

EHarmony is really tough on the 45-year-old ego! Why is it that I can be hit on by a 32-year-old at Barnes and Noble, then be rejected by his grandpa on eHarmony? I don't get it.....

I think I'll stand out on the street corner with a would be a lot cheaper and I will probably have better luck!

mary in san jose

Posted by: mary at May 6, 2004 09:25 PM

Mary - did you get a phone number from the 32 year-old at Barnes & Noble? If not, why not? How about giving a try. I met a very interesting, kind (so far) and caring (so far) man there. There's much less bullshit at the site - fairly straightforward, and much less expensive to try out for a month or so.


Posted by: Andrea at May 6, 2004 10:22 PM

Hi Andrea,

No, darn it, I didn't get his number. I have no idea if he was single or available, but he sure was cute! I get so tongue-tied in those situations, even at my age.

Thanks for the suggestion re. I may just try it out and see what happens....I'm glad you've met a nice guy! :)


Posted by: mary at May 7, 2004 05:18 PM

Hi all, just hit my 7th day of the free-trial period and I cancelled my 3 month subscription. This eharmony website is an obvious fraud. Here's some funny insight. I work with police databases on a daily basis; we run software that finds links between people, vehicles, locations, and crimes in police databases. In other words, we create software that analyzes criminal activity and generates lists of possible suspects to police. If our software ran as slowly as e-harmony to return answers to our customers - we'd have gone out of business a long time ago.

This website is totally scamming you. Whatever their 1000 dimensions of compatibility are, there is no reason why they can't generate a list of matches for you within a few seconds if they really wanted to - TRUST ME.

Their game is obviously to keep you signed on for a long time by throwing a match at you every now and again to tease you and to keep you EXCITED and paying.

Don't fall for this. I gave it a fair shot and tried it for a week, but I am totally unimpressed and the scam here is so blatantly obvious to me probably because I work with similar systems on a daily basis.

I read some people on here carping about some religious connection which just sounds like hogwash to me. In my profile, I put that religion played 0 role in my life and they still accepted me. I don't know what you have to do to get denied by the website, but I am guessing that they have some sort of system that catches dishonest answers or people who are just plain screwed up in the head. It could also just be a ploy to make those whom they do accept "feel special" and give the impression that they care more about their service than they do money which doesn't jive with this guy.

Either way, there is something about e-harmony that just makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I've learned to trust that instinct and I'm getting out.

For those of you who do use e-harmony, best of luck to you. The matches could very well be more compatible than you'd find on other services, but at the same time - I would rather have some element of control over the situation rather than having some website act like they are my parents setting up an arranged marriage or something. I'm just gonna stick with the other websites where I have more control over whom I correspond with.

Thanks for the read and best of luck to all of you out there.

Tucson, AZ

Posted by: Dave at May 10, 2004 03:40 PM

I have enjoyed many a good laugh reading all these postings, especially after a long day at work - thanks for the witty banter and clever repartee...!

I have recently decided that it might be time to get serious about finding someone with whom I could have a deep and serious connection (attended a close friend's wedding in Portland a week ago - when it hits that close to home, you can't help but feel pangs of envy, wishing it were you). I am one of those obnoxiously independent types whose life lesson seems to be learning to lean on people, ask for help, blah, blah, blah... So the idea of actually setting out to find a guy who is witty, intelligent, aware of and working on his own "stuff", can hold his own in a good debate, understands why I don't like Monty Python and watches it with his other friends, can cook an actual meal (not just eggs or spaghetti), can make me belly laugh...the idea of going out specifically to "hunt me a man" is icky, yucky, blech. I know it's unreasonable, but there it is. Not, unfortunately, that I have figured out the alternative. If/when I do, I plan to write a book, do the talk show circuit, and hold national seminars.

All of that to say it was a happy accident (serendipity?) to stumble upon this forum. And if anyone does figure it all out, could you pass it on?

Posted by: Heather at May 10, 2004 04:07 PM

Heather - We're trying, God knows, we're trying....... then you meet the guy. That's when the work really begins. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

Posted by: Andrea at May 10, 2004 07:50 PM

Does anyone have any thoughts/insights/experiences with Match's Personality Test, and more especially the Physical Attraction Test? Accurate? Not? Good? Bad?

I took the personality test, but I don't have much opinion on it. Seems pretty vanilla.

The physical attraction thing is sort of schitzy. Potential matches are both (a) attracted to my 'full kissable lips', and (b) not attracted because they prefer fuller lips. At the same time? Also, I looked up a friend of mine's profile, and, among other things, it told me she "Her overall level of attractiveness may not fit what you're usually looking for." Wow! Harsh!! ESPECIALLY as she is QUITE attractive! Makes me wonder what Match is saying about me to other members!!

Posted by: Codename: Koriandr at May 11, 2004 09:01 AM

I decided to take a serious look into eHarmony after my next door neighbor had so many good things to say about her experience with them. (What I really would like to share with you is at the end of this paragraph, if you don't want to read the details.) She is a very attractive professional and I am encouraged by her success at eHarmony. She also has had many good matches (in her estimation) over a period of three months and is dating steadily now with one of them. I decided to look into eHarmony closely and was intrigued by the concept. However, I was balking at paying the price of $99.95 for three months. One thing which seemed clear to me was that to give yourself a fair shot at this slower speed of communication, you would need to be willing to stick with it for at least three months. After reading the numerous posts here regarding the trouble some have had to get back their money within the 7-day trial period, I decided that I didn't even want to mess with such a refund process. After establishing a solid profile with photos, I simply wrote to eHarmony and asked them to give me 3 months of initial service for $44.85 (which is's price for the same amount of time). eHarmony responded within two days and gave me two free additional months if I would buy one month and no trial period. That was fine with me. So, ask nicely, and make your case versus, and you can get three months off the bat for $49.95.

Posted by: Travis at May 11, 2004 11:16 AM

Hi Koriandr - Re:'s tests
I enjoy taking personality tests, insipid though some are, but's was pretty vanilla, as you mentioned. As far as the physical attraction test, I couldn't say because I've been trying to take that test, to no avail, for the entire time I've been a card-carrying, paying member. What's anyone's secret to actually getting into the physical attraction test? The screens go as far as the "loading test questions" at the very beginning, then no further. Maybe the powers that be think my profile pictures are so ugly that I have no right to take that test!!

Posted by: Andrea at May 11, 2004 08:16 PM

I think the trick to Match's Attraction Test is the photos.

I have been able to take the test (a NUMBER of times!) at work, where we have speedy internet.

I have not been able to make it work at home, ever, where my Internet service is pokey.

Posted by: Codename:Koriander at May 12, 2004 05:51 AM

so Im pissed off.. I want to sue adultfriendfinder, lavalife, american singles, yahoo, match and a couple others!! these websites engage in totally fraudulant behavior and racketeering! they run spams of their own and do not take off the spammers and just let them post.. the also are totally misleading in the ratio of men to women.. do not remove old outdated ads (makes it look like theres alot of female members there when there isnt) all have crummy customer service,, do not remove prostitutes when complained about and are all just a bunch of bullshit that they overcharge for.. anyhow want to start some class action? especially against adultfriendfinder!?

Posted by: madmax at May 13, 2004 04:40 PM

Like many of you, I wish I could unring the bell and get my hundred bucks back! Now every time I see Dr. Warren on TV, I know that smile means he's laughing all the way to the bank. Think about how many thousands of people like you and me have chalked it up to just making a dumb move and written off the money. Earlier in this thread there was an e-mail address for anyone interested in a class action suit. I didn't respond because I'm not about to get taken again so soon! Was it for real?

My experience mirrors most of yours. At 55, they put my ideal match age from 50 to 73. I explained to them that I didn't intend to spend my retirement years caring for my invalid mate, but they told me they "couldn't" change the age, and if I didn't feel it was an appropriate match, I should simply close it. Fact is, in the month since I paid, I've received seven names. Two ditched with no reason. Three didn't respond to my initial contact, and two put me on Hold, so I ditched them. There are no matches in my bin, but since they already met their "3 matches in 3 months," I expect I won't hear anything back until it's time to renew.

I was on before. I had over 500 people look at my profile in 3 months, but no responses worth telling you about. On the other hand, I'm now on Yahoo!Personals and have been meeting men with real potential for relationships.

eHarmony is a scam of global proportion. Why isn't somebody doing something about it, I wonder. And if "they" are, how can I find out?

Posted by: at May 13, 2004 05:22 PM

Hmmm. It doesn't show my name on that last post. I am Barbara.

Posted by: Barbara at May 13, 2004 05:24 PM

Hi - And my thanks to all of you for your comments on e-Harmony and the other internet dating sites. You've saved me a lot of time and money which I can be spending in so many other ways.

Posted by: Janet at May 13, 2004 08:00 PM

Given that many of you have experience with eHarmony, you'll probably find what follows to be interesting. I know there is a lot of criticism out there about the lack of control users have over the entire process. I couldn't agree more. But I'm finding some interesting contrasts in my experience there which I think most people don't know about.

The first thing is that on one of eHarmony's welcome pages it explicitly states that their goal is to match Christian singles, and that the matching and process are guided by Christian principals. They advertise heavily in the Christian media such as religious radio stations. If you (as I) do not listen to Christian radio, you wouldn't know that at all.

The variance in responses between my two profiles at eHarmony is interesting. I filled out one profile very honestly and in my own voice as a liberal agnostic. The second profile I filled out in the voice of my brother who is a polar opposite to me, him being an evangelistic Christian with rightist leanings. On this second profile, I answered with a strong tendency towards faith being important, religion being important, church activities as a part of my life, etc.

My honest profile received 1 match immediately and then 3 more over the course of a 12-hr period. However, none have responded or initiated communication, and it has been 5 days since I created that profile.

My "brother's" profile received 4 matches immediately. Of these four, within 24 hours, I had an initiation from all four. Three have sent me a request to start communication, and 1 closed on me saying that she felt the physical distance between us was too great. Then, when I awoke this morning, I discovered 4 more matches (for a total of 8) and it has been only 36 hours ago since I created the profile.

Interestingly, I have my photos posted with only one of these profiles -- the one that has not yet received any responses.

I should add that on that profile, the photos are visible to anyone immediately before any communication has commenced. Still no responses.

My instinct is that one is likely to have much more success with eHarmony when putting a "faith bend" in their responses to the profile questions. I don't think this necessarily caters to the algorithm of matching in their system; rather, I think it reflects the culture of the users of that system. eHarmony advertises to Christians through Christian media forums, so I think there are many more faith-oriented individuals already using it and active.

So I think I *might* do the profile one more time in a few weeks, this time with a middle-of-the-road blend of honesty and traditional faith-based conservatism.

In the case of my honest profile, I have managed to convince eHarmony to give me 3 months for the price of one should I decide to buy. In the case of my brother profile, my requests for the same special deal have gone unanswered.

Either way I am going to wait it out for some weeks to determine which profile is most likely to receive more hits for matches over time.

In the meantime, I am still single, LOL.

Posted by: Tom at May 13, 2004 08:50 PM

How very odd that I received almost the exact note as above in my personal e-mail from "Travis." Shame on you. I won't stoop so low as to misrepresent my beliefs. And I didn't know about the so-called "Christian" connection until I read it here. Such a fine representation of values... that's precisely why I no longer label myself among them.

Posted by: Barbara at May 14, 2004 07:53 AM

I wouldn't want to misrepresent myself on one of these sites. While I question whether it would make any difference in the quality of the matches or lack thereof, it is dishonest, and the people you meet would be expecting somebody else. Life is too short to go through it pretending to be somebody else just so you don't have to be alone.

Posted by: Sabrinah at May 14, 2004 07:44 PM

That 5/14 post from Barbara, really cracked me up. Here she skewers a guy for exactly the same thing she says in her earlier post is missing from eHarmony's system: Honesty. Can't have it both ways, I don't think. she even notes the consistency of that honesty in both post and email. How can you take him to court over testing the system before losing money in anger as you and I did, Barbara? I imagine you are miffed that you weren't as investigative as he was. Well I am glad he did, it shows pretty clearly the tendency to favor certain types of people for matches. You don't have to wonder about your scam any longer, Barb! That Christian stuff at eharmony is posted right off of the frontpage on their website. I just wish I could have read Tom's info before I got into my purse. His test may be "dishonest" but I wish I was as savvy - don't you?

Posted by: Carissa at May 14, 2004 09:23 PM

Hi, I'm a single 33 year old male from Minneapolis, who likes to enjoy life to its fullest...just ask my parole officer. I'm kidding, but I've REALLY enjoyed reading all of your posts, in fact I feel 100 times more at home than I do when visitng the E-Harmony site. I've never gotten to the "member" point, because with their half-assed matchmaking ways, I just can't justify spending the money- and this is coming from someone who just the other week spent over a grand on a e-bay on a rare guitar from a stranger 1500 miles away...and it arrived in mint condition. Maybe I should marry it :)

Posted by: Tom from Minneapolis at May 14, 2004 10:00 PM

I've been on e-harmony for about 10 days---my maiden voyage after a 2-year relationship ended. I am 52, an attorney/mom/notinterested in golf or tennis. I don't know what being 52 means---I don't feel "old", I am not sure I look "old", at least this is what I hear. I am a moderate, but regular, exerciser. Anyway, my distinct impression is that men on this website who are my age are looking for women in their thirties---this is what I understand from reading about how much they bike, run, rock climb, and have "good bodi(es.)" Many do not initiate "communication"---reminds me of a moon walk---and there was one who just stopped writing, though he had been pursuing an exchange very quickly, we seemed compatible, etc.

I am not extremely religious, was raised Catholic, and am concerned about comments that this is a Christian website. I have not seen that clearly, but I will keep watching.

I just want someone to come home to and make a quick dinner, watch the news, a video on the weekend. Are there men like this on these websites? What are the demographics and results for people over 50 who are not ready to give up the whole idea? also, do women have to "dumb down"?

(I discovered this website yestersay, and I laughed out loud at some of the comments---this is where there are some very smart and interesting folks. Too bad about how hard it is to find your soulmate.)

Posted by: at May 15, 2004 06:12 AM

My name did not show up on the previous post.

Posted by: Jen in Michigan at May 15, 2004 06:17 AM

Jen, I couldn't agree with you more! As a 50-year-old publishing exec with kids, I am not looking for some guy is who trying to recapture his lost youth by obsessing on physical fitness and his body. I'm not interested in some 60-something retiree who wants to "pamper" me by taking me rhumbaing at the VFW and sitting around on a boat for hours either.

Aren't there any 40- or 50-something professional guys who actually have interests, who work, are real people? I don't care if they have lovehandles or a receding hairline, just want a nice, decent, interesting guy who's looking for a PARTNER.

I'm doomed, apparently.

Posted by: anima at May 15, 2004 07:32 AM

Carissa, Did you miss the probability that both Travis and Tom were using a canned message? Not likely the two people have the same "brother" is it and both guys came up with the same "test" of the eHarmony system? I've read your message a couple of times and still don't know what your point is.

Posted by: Barbara at May 15, 2004 12:07 PM

Now, let's play nicely, kids. This weblog is beginning to take on a more than slightly attacking and accusatory tone on a personal level lately - or am I the only one who feels that way? I believe that the real beauty of the site is in our interactions with each other - funny, interesting and helpful. It seems that we are becoming overly suspicious of each other's motives for contributions to the weblog. Can we just lighten up a bit?

Posted by: Andrea at May 15, 2004 12:33 PM

The following comment in my earlier post was meant only in reference to eHarmony, and not directed at an individual. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

"Such a fine representation of values... that's precisely why I no longer label myself among them."

Posted by: Barbara at May 15, 2004 01:06 PM

I stumbled on this site by accident and what a relief to know that others have used eHarmony and have posted feedback.

I just filled out the questionnaire friday night and received the no matches response.

Miraculously today, I have 4 responses with just a name and city. To "Read more", I must choose a membership plan. What a scam! Also, I checked out my matching settings. The age range is stuck at 29 to 42. I'm 32. I've dated older men before, and now I want to date guys in my own age. When, I tried to adjust the numbers to 27 to 36, an error message displayed saying that I could reduce the minimum number but that I could only increase the maximum number. If I think 42 is too old, why would I want to date anyone older ?
My e-mail to Customer service returned a standard reply from the server. Now I'm waiting to see if a real person will read the message.

Thanks for the tips about holding out to pay a lower fee for the membership. Personally, I have had better luck responding to ads in the network. There it only takes a mail or two to see if you're compatible.

Posted by: Michelle at May 16, 2004 01:11 AM

Interesting comments about on-line dating. As it has evolved over the last few years, things have changed. What is most noticeable is that finally, more women are posting profiles. Eharmony, especially, has a higher ratio of women to men. However, for those of you who are dissastisfied with the process, remember that on-line dating has a delete button. Also, appearance still matters to both men and women when choosing a new mate whether it is in the real world or online. That is not going to change.

I am a non-christian who was on eharmony for 3 months. I had a large number of matches. Some were good matches, some were horrible matches. I met some of them. I didn't meet others. The bottom line is that there were no horror stories to tell. At worse, there was no chemistry.

The profile matching of eharmony, I do believe, is pseudo science. But it is not a bad service. Just don't expect great results if you are a good person but fall below the normal standards of attractiveness. These are NEW people you are trying to meet. You can't expect a new partner to forgive physical appearance flaws or handicaps the way a mate of 20 years would.

It doesn't mean you have to be a model. It doesn't mean you have to be a brain surgeon. It just means that you can't lose touch with your own reality. After most of us reach adulthood, we should have a sense of how the opposite sex views us. If men, have you had trouble finding dates or do you find women smiling at you very often? If women, do men flirt with you in real life or not?

Well, these patterns aren't going to change in the on-line world. What it can do, is open you up to more possibilities of meeting someone you otherwise wouldn't. And as the old cliche' goes....there's somebody for everybody. That doesn't mean finding them will be easy.

If there is one foible of on-line dating, it is unrealistic expectations. And this is not gender specific.

That's my 2 cents.

I do believe that on-line dating is more effective in the metropolitan areas than in the rural areas.

Posted by: Tom at May 16, 2004 10:48 AM

In my last post, I mentioned that after a divorce and the breakup of a post-divorce relationship, I am on e-harmony in the idea that it is better to be out there somewhere than not do anything and hope that my One True Partner finds me in the lettuce section.

Although there is the recurring comment that it is "desperate", I truly see it as a question of probability. I don't sit on boards of fledgling organizations anymore, because it is not my circle and I am not asked to. I don't go to bars after work because my work has become more independent and less-office based. Besides, that just doesn't fit anymore. I left Catholic School many years ago, so I don't go to church. These are all places I used to meet boyfriends, or friends who introduced me to boyfriends. Then there was a long marriage, then there was another boyfriend (I had forgotten all the difficult things about having boyfriends, including the desire not to settle down---I did not think this could still be happening). This is a very different time. Making contact through the Internet does not seem desperate or strange, it seems like an alterate avenue that fits more reasonably with my present life.

That said, I'm finding e-Harmony not a friendly place. It may simply be part of the reality of being in a dating market. I am not, so far, finding the website itself to be particularly better or worse than others, except that I am concerned that people not signed up can look like they are and inflate the picture. This seems clearly unfair to those paying for the service. It's also deceptive, since we are not informed of this. I learned it here. I also agree with others here that e-Hamony wildly exaggerates the potential for success. It would really seem that success should be broken down by gender, and it surely should be broken down by age. I am very curious about these numbers and what they would look like.

I am also curious about why women outnumber men by huge proportions. Is this true in all age groups? Is it true on other web sites?

Thanks again for your thoughts.
--Jen in Michigan

Posted by: Jen at May 17, 2004 04:50 AM

I can't tell you how glad I am to have happened upon this forum. I've never done internet dating; it's just something that I haven't been able to embrace. Yet my friends have been urging me to give it a try, so I thought, hey, at least the eharmony thing looks "authentic" and has "depth." Hah. I decided to research it a bit first and zoomed right here...after reading everyone's comments I am feeling deliriously grateful that I didn't get sucked in. I was really suspicious of the off-kilter goofiness of the doc's voiceover ads, but was almost willing to overlook that in my quest to be open-minded. Thanks all for saving me what I assume would have been enormous aggravation, money down the tube and seething outrage! One way to get the story out there is to write a letter to one of the network news programs about your scam experience--if they get enough complaints they'll do a story. You all sound like cool people with a legitimate beef. Go for it.

Posted by: Geri at May 18, 2004 08:25 PM

I just dropped my memebership after 6 months. Like the previous message I found that the guys wanted "instant click and deeply in love' to be unrealistic. Also, the majority of my matches were extremists in personality or outlook on life;downright scary!

Posted by: Jean at May 19, 2004 06:58 AM

I've been using eHarmony for about a month. They gave me 3 free months to start so long as I purchased 3 months, and I was willing to do that. It is difficult for me to complain about any aspect of this service so far. First of all, I am absolutely deluged with matches. Everyday, without fail, between four and seven new matches are brought to my screen. (Just so you know, I'm male, in my 30s, a professional, and located near a large Midwestern city.) So far, more than 100 matches, and I have only been using them for 25 days. I am not finding anything wrong with the type of match it's providing for me. Most of these women are professional, quite intelligent, homeowners, etc. The slower method of communication, and the manner in which it 'steps up' what you can know about each other, really makes for a more provocative exploration of who is at the other end of the line. I am really finding the other parties to be sincerely interested in great communication. Consistently 60% of my matches are in the local area. Men who want a quick fix for the physical attraction will need to be more patient on eHarmony: a good 90% of women in my experience won't reveal their photo until the final stages of the progressing communication. Yet, I have found this meaningless: for me personally, I find a good half very attractive and the other half I am not so attracted to physically. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground on that. I started out by communicating (or initiating communication) with ALL my matches, as eHarmony suggests. But now that I have almost 40 different lines of exchange going, I can't really do a good job in keeping it up. This was mostly my fault in being too accepting and I'll need to trim it back substantially for the remaining five months of my subscription. At least in my experience, men can expect to spend a lot of their time sitting at the computer once you have invested into eHarmony. However it is worthwhile effort as you are communicating with real people. I have never had the suspicion that there are fake or 'seeded' profiles here. Even the ones who have closed on me have revealed that they are indeed at the least a real person through typing personal responses in blank fields. I *do* think criticism here that the "40 seconds to search" deal is unreal, at least in the first few days of service. As you stay on the system longer, and communicate with more newer women, you realize that there are lots of women signing up each day. I also can't buck customer service. On the two occasions I needed to contact them (once for changing the age parameters of my profile, the second for what I feel was an honest mistake in charging my card twice) the problem was handled immediately and with courtesy. I have found that most of the matches who are far away geographically will close on you; and most of those who are nearby will keep it open all the way to the finish. I have a work colleague - a former boss, actually - who makes a salary seven times my own, is handsome and fit, drives a BMW Series M5, and can charm anyone. He met his girlfriend-now-fiance on eHarmony. I mention this because the type of people I am consistently seeing on eHarmony are professional and upstanding types. It's not like this executive really would have had any trouble meeting a woman, but he wanted to try eHarmony for (in his appraisal) the chance to really be matched with someone well now that he (in his 50s) feels that he himself knows what he wants. He thinks that eHarmony served him well. (And gentlemen, if you saw his fiance, you would agree!) Anyway, I have high hopes for myself on eHarmony now. I never expected to have the chance to meet so many women that I otherwise would probably have never known. I think that eHarmony is doing many things correctly. My general impression is that there are a lot more women on eHarmony than men. >>>>>>>>>>> I noticed most of the comments here are from women. I'd like to know what other fellows like me think. What has your experience in matching been? (not refunds! but rather, the women you communicate with!) How many matches do you receive daily? What part of these are local to you? What part of these are you attracted to and why? >>>>>>>Thanks to all.

Posted by: Nick at May 19, 2004 11:44 AM

Nick, I'm a man in my early 20s who just graduated from college who lives in a major midwestern city, and my experience was horrible! I got 39 matches in three months. I find it surprising that you got 100 in one month.

To give folks an idea of what kind of matching settings I had for those 39 matches, I'll post mine below:

How far are you willing to search to find your life-long love?

In my country.

Your Religion:

Neither religious nor spiritual

Please indicate what religion(s) your matches should be affiliate with:

[O = accept, X = reject]
X Christian
X Jewish
X Muslim
X Buddhist
X Hindu
X Sikh
X Shinto
X Other
O Spiritual, but not affiliated with a religious group
O Neither religious nor spiritual

How many children do you have who are 18 years old or younger and living full time in your home?


Would you be willing to accept a partner who has children 18 years old or younger living full time in their home?


Choose the category that best describes your highest level of education.


What is your ethnicity?

White, non-Hispanic

Which ethnicities would you be willing to accept as matches?
[O = accept, X = reject]

O White, non-Hispanic
O Hispanic or Latino
O African-American
O Asian/Pacific Islander
O Korean
O Japanese
O Chinese
O Indian
O Arab
O Native American
O Other

How much do you smoke?


Would you consider marrying or having a long-term relationship with someone who smokes tobacco?


How much do you drink?


Would you consider marrying or having a long-term relationship with someone who drinks?


Aside from any children you or your new partner may already have, would you like to start a new family by having or adopting a baby?

No, I can't or don't want to become a new parent.
(In my case, I don't want to have children).

Your age is 22.

I would like my matches to be between the ages of 21 and 25.

Posted by: WWaC (West Wind and Crap) at May 19, 2004 06:04 PM

Ah, a place to vent about e-harmony. Because I'm older (60) my experience was extremely interesting. I was matched with exactly four (count 'em, four) men in the entire country and three were in Washington state, the fourth in Idaho. Two of the three were in Puget Sound. I live in Seattle. Coincidence? Hmmm. The Idaho guy blocked me out immediately. The Puget Sound guys were 56. Didn't hear from them. The only one who responded was a guy who was 80. I quickly got that the age range for women was 5 years younger to 20 years older. I could not decrease that top number. It occured to me that maybe the age range, then, for men was 5 years older to 20 years younger. Hard enough for a woman my age to meet men without these restrictions. After a week of no other responses, I decided to drop it. Since I was within the week, they didn't charge me. But, drum roll, within hours of cancelling, I got a message that the Seattle guy had contacted me. If I wanted to contact him, I had to sign up again. A few days later, lo and behold, another e-mail from e-harmony - the Redmond guy was calling. The strangeness of questionnaires back and forth made me wonder if these guys really existed. The fact that the only men they found in the entire country were in my backyard was suspicious to me. Add to that the fact that two of them showed no interest until I was no longer there was also suspicious. The search engine on is a little weird, but from what I've seen, it seems to be the best service out there.

Posted by: Carole at May 19, 2004 10:51 PM

Thanks for your comments. We need more males to make comments on this forum. I did notice that you received 39 matches in the three month period, however, according to your earlier post (dated 27 April) you were willing to close out the chance to communicate with a great many of them for various reasons. I don't think your system for deciding who to keep and who to close was unreasonable. However, by closing them and not initiating contact with them, it is also true that they never received a message to their e-mail saying "WWaC wants to meet you..." etc. As I wrote, I've received 100 responses in the space of a month, about 40% of which eventually signed on to become subscribing users. WWaC, your geographic area (nationwide) is the same as mine, so the only reason I can account for the difference in number of matches would be your age group (you are a decade younger) and your choice of religious orientation - possibly. I don't think there are a lot of users who are age 20-25 on this system. To address the recent poster (female, Washington state) - I understand her suspicions - but it must also be said that there is nothing at all odd about two of three initial matches being in her area, since Seattle is a city with a giant population. I don't live in a city that is in size anywhere close to that of Seattle's population, and MOST of my matches are from my area. I also don't think it is suspicious that guys "paged" her after her 7-day period, as I've observed many of my matches sign up then take several days to contemplate whether or not to purchase a subscription. That is eHarmony's fault, though - they could help by making their prices more competitive. I only bought when I had managed to haggle them down to a price of $16.65 per month, which is reasonably close to the best price of

Posted by: Nick at May 20, 2004 08:05 AM

I tried Eharmony for one month before resigning. I believe in the fundamental concept of matching by personality/temperment etc, however, I had problems with their "matching." I must admit that I received at least 50 possibilities but, MOST of them were much older and did not initially post their photo. I mean much older! My biggest disappointment I suppose was that Eharmony allows an individual the option of posting or not posting their photograph. Let's face it, looks DO count! Apparently, Eharmony doesn't agree or they would require you to share your photo from the very start. Upon resigning, I told them my frustration with this issue and never received a response. Good luck to everyone else.

Posted by: al at May 20, 2004 08:11 AM

Hi everyone, I have a very interesting story about the rip-off artists at! The do offer a free 7 day trial. BUT my 7th day that I needed to cancell was on a Sunday. I THOUGHT that I had to talk to them on their live chat support thing to cancell. I even emailed them on my 8th day...Monday and told them to be nice and fair with me and understand what happend. Those rat bastards say I wouldnt be refunded. THEN I had my credit card dispute with them...and that didnt now Im emailing them and asking to contact managment and get a REAL live phone number. My advice...DONT USE THEM! Yes, theres a small percent that have success...but not too many AND GUYS guess what?? If you have a girl match with you...sometimes they dont have a photo posted AND GUESS WHAT AGAIN...they make you fill out 4 questionaires BEFORE they LET you contact this person yourself. My suggestion is that IF you use these types of services...dont pay over 15-20 bucks a month...isnt that better than 50 bucks a mo with eharmonysucks? Good luck!!

Posted by: Luke at May 20, 2004 07:25 PM

eHarmony's phone number is 626-583-4477 and they are generally very responsive when contacted at that number. Other posters have claimed success by just being consistent regarding the refund process during the first 7 days.

Posted by: Carissa at May 20, 2004 08:31 PM

So now e-harmony's trying to save their ass by sending people to these sites? Too funny. E-Harmony's perfect for rich yuppies I guess, but I thought those people were supposed to have all the dates they wanted, just by their "professional charm".

The kind of people that actually LIKE E-Harmony are probably like the guy in American Psycho- who knows all the lyrics to every Huey Lewis song and worries about who has the flashiest business card. Or like all the bad news anchors who use their hands when they're talking but it doesn't look natural, it looks like they were coached exactly how to move them, but their timing/eye-hand coordination were way off, and they look like someone standing there waiting to catch something.

I'm just waiting for October 6th, it will be exactly 1,000 days since I've had a drink (I needed a break), and then I'm going back to the bars and meeting women face to face, which is what I used to do. The thought of computer dating sickens me.

Posted by: Tom from Minneapolis at May 20, 2004 09:38 PM

Charming but sweeping, uhm, comments aside, I would have to agree with certain parts of Tom's from Minneapolis opinion. I do believe eHarmony's design attracts many more professionals than it does worker bees. In addition, I believe the emphasis for most serious users is not find plenty of dates, but rather, find one person of interest. Beer-swilling barroom charmers might not like eHarmony's pace, which rarely satisfies those with a need for compulsion.

Posted by: Carissa at May 21, 2004 07:43 AM

eHarmony has finally started to bring their fees within reason of their main competitors. They do offer a lot more for the serious shopper than other services such as I've just received an offer from them for 12 months at $12.95 per month. The promotional code is listed below, and the following is taken from the e-mail advertisement: "Here's the deal, to help eHarmony work for you we're not only offering 12 months at more than a $100 discount but you can make pay monthly rather than all up front. That's 12 months for just $12.95 a month, but you have to take advantage of this offer by May 25, 2004. Print this page & save the promo code: ECMEM36"

Posted by: at May 21, 2004 11:49 AM

I saw all of the posts on here, and I too have fallen victim to eHarmony. I wasn't getting matched with anyone for a while, so I did that search for matches thing, and it helped a little, but after paying for a few months, I just posted my email address on my profile and quit paying. Within a few days, I had a few guys email me saying they weren't too enthused with eharmony either. I have actually been communicating with one guy for about a month now through computer and phone, and so far, seems to be what I have been looking, I guess I can say thank you eharmony, for letting me put my email address out there so guys you matched me up with can communicate with me for free!
The guy I have been talking to pointed this out to me and I thought I would share this with those who haven't seen it.

Why some people don't get matches right away:

1.eHarmony was not designed to be a fast process. We may not have done a great job of communicating to our membership the pace of the eHarmony process. Many members expect eHarmony to work like other Internet dating services that literally give you hundreds of matches within hours of joining. Nothing could be further from the truth; at eHarmony we expect it may take as long as a year to be matched with a well-suited relationship partner. We still intend to provide you with 12-25 matches during this year. It is not at all uncommon for a person to wait 3, 4, or 5 months for a match and while that is very frustrating, there is a great reason for the wait.

What a crock!!!

Posted by: Jennifer at May 22, 2004 10:47 AM

I joined eHarmony a month ago. So far I've received over 70 matches. and that's with limiting my area to 30 miles. About 50 have been closed by either me or my match. I've met one of the guys and am meeting two more next weekend. I think the difference is that my expectations are not to fall in love right away. I'm more treating them as friends until I get to know them better. My experience has been great.

Posted by: jichc100 at May 27, 2004 05:56 AM

My experience has been the same as the previous post. I've been a member at eHarmony for 16 days, and I've received 52 matches. Of those, I'm in the "Open Communication" phase with 14 guys. I'm really surprised at how entertaining, literate and by-and-large professional the nature of the crowd is on eHarmony. These men are actually reading my profile, instead of focusing on a pic. They are writing and communicating and asking great questions. They respond thoughtfully to mine. This is amazing! Now that I'm sold, I can't wait to meet some of them in person. I'm also going to try to convince eHarmony to give me 6 more months for the price of 3, by writing to them as others have suggested.

Posted by: Laurie at May 27, 2004 11:41 AM

Hi Laurie and Jichc100,

I'll bet that both of you are under 35 years of age! As you read these posts, you will see that it's a different story for those of us who are over 40 but not yet ready for shuffleboard! :)

I've had much better luck meeting people (both friends and dates) through free BBS such as Craigslist.

Not another crumb of my hard-earned dough will go to Dr. NCW and his "patented" matching system! I'll donate the money to the Humane Society instead!


Mary in San Jose

Posted by: mary at May 28, 2004 05:16 PM

I found you out of sheer frustration when I typed "eharmony sucks" into msn. It's true, misery does love company 'cause I must say that I do feel much better after seeing it isn't just me.

Wanting to be selective on who saw my photo, I delayed posting one on eharmony until someone who showed an interest in *me* actually requested one. My first rejection came from an overweight, bald 60ish man from LA in a brown leisure suit who immediately closed communication because "there is no photo posted". Now I'm no fashion expert, but I'm thinkin a brown leisure suit is not a good choice if you're trying to make an impression with the ladies. I closed the next one after the man listed his porsche as the 5 things he couldn't live without. Wonder what made the Good Doctor think these jerks were my dream?

I'm a 47 year old smart, single, hardworking paralegal who has sworn to sit right here and read blogs on a Friday night rather than lower the bar. I'm not Barbie, more "Skipper", actually, her freckle-faced cousin. We all know beauty will fade but cute will last well into my 60s, so I'm happy with me - single or in love.

Should finding a good friend / lover be this much work??

Good luck to all. If the present matchmaking sites are any indication, we're gonna' need it.

ps- The women who post here have given me a month's worth of entertainment! Kinda makes you feel bad that guys aren't looking at this site for a match!

Posted by: Jan at May 28, 2004 09:21 PM

Very disappointing and self esteem shattering experience. I'm thinking of closing my account with eHarmony even though I've already paid for 5 more months on the one year plan. The "Christian" men are Christian in name only, a lot of midlife conversions, men in their forties and fifties that have never ben married. Did you know that a man of 40 who has never married has a 1 in 6 chance of ever marrying? As soon as they see my photos they reject me, even though previous to seeing my photos they are panting. The two books that come with the one year plan are good though. Ladies, they're mostly hateful, hostile, close hearted creeps. Save your dough. The gents in chat rooms are much kinder, smarter, and BETTER LOOKING.

Posted by: Jenny at May 30, 2004 01:35 AM

Touche Jenny. Like you, I feel that for many of us over forty this site is peopled by men who are misogynists; just reading their correspondence opens a window to their warped world.

Posted by: jean at May 30, 2004 02:50 PM

I wrote a few weeks ago as I began my search with Dr. NCW and his band of fictional matchmakers. I am an attorney in my early fifties, had a 14-year marriage, and a noncommital(sp?) boyfriend for 2 years after that. I love the comments on this forum, especially from women, and it has made this mate-searching process so much more workable and bearable.

My experience with e-harmony has been as follows: about 25 or 30 "matches" have been indicated. A few are immediately closed, such as the guy who was looking for a "biblical" wife (this was a new one). Also guys who play golf, work out way more than I have time to, and talk about what great bodies they have (and how thoroughly wonderful they are in all other manner of things) are probably not my life partner.

However, out of all this, I have met one man who is compatible in many ways and with whom I e-mail almost daily. He appears to be pretty thoughtful about the same questions I face at this point in time, and he has a good amount of credibility. a major convinving factor was that I put him on hold because this whole process was, at the beginning, a bit too awful. He did not immediately close me out in a huff. He just hung out there, as it were, for a while. This internet interaction is a world of its own. Anyway it said something to me, for what it is worth in this limited forum.
It is something of a liability as well as good fortune to all of us that we've been through so much. I am inclined to be much more cautions because of this, and because I am an attorney, I have dealt with the dark side for many years, which makes me even more cautious. However, I have to say I do not think it is impossible to meet someone this way, alone or in combination with other sites, the grocery store, community functions, or walking the dog. It's a matter of probabilities, like anything else. ---J.

Posted by: Jen at May 31, 2004 06:33 AM

I think is ridiculous...according to them, I am part of the "20 percent" of people who their service won't work for.

In case you dont know, that is just there nice way of saying "You are doomed to be alone, and you arent the 'marrying type' " I think thats a crock. I will feel satisfied to see E-harmony eventually go bottom-up in the future, when people realize how much of a sham it is.

Posted by: Jay at May 31, 2004 08:11 AM

E HARMONY.....HELL NO I WON'T GO!!! I'm 58 and a widow from north of Seattle, Wa. Considered attractive,hwp,intelligent,lots of fun and looking for a "forever" relationship with a guy that has similar qualities I listed. SOOOOOOOO!
I decided to join eharmony. Thinking it was more expensive I felt I was likely to have better luck with them than the other service I was suscribing to. "Wrong" I think in a three month period I received 4 or 5 matches and some of them I couldn't reach. I'm not seeking a "walks on the water kind of guy" but harmony made me feel like I was. I have two girlfriends that have had "THE SAME" experience. Would I recommend eharmony..........what do you think?

Posted by: jan at May 31, 2004 12:41 PM

Jenny - please tell me about the world of chat rooms; I'd be interested in exploring this if I knew what to do. I'm obviously not "computer literate" yet - God knows if I ever will be. It's, as you said, another avenue. I'm getting very cynical about matching services for all the reasons we've talked about previously in this weblog. Hoping you or someone else here can give me some pointers. Thanks.

Posted by: Andrea at May 31, 2004 12:47 PM

I'm puzzled by many if not most of the negative comments about eHarmony found on this site. I'm thankful for some of them, because reading them BEFORE I signed up at eHarmony allowed me to save a lot of money in my subscription plan. But most negative comments I read seem to center on a lack of matches, and I don't understand the reason I get so many matches and others get virtually none. I am on my 21st day at eHarmony and have 66 matches to consider. This is far too many to digest. I have ACTUALLY started asking some of these women whether they would like to meet a couple of my "real life" buddies when I sense a match. (Obviously, I am not doing so with the women who I personally am finding a connection with.) These women are so sharp and they write well. Almost all of them are local. Most of my matches do correspond, although I do note a dropping off point on about one-third of them when they reach the end of their seven-day free trial period. Nine of ten of them do have their photos posted. Some of them are great matches for me (I feel) and some aren't so close a match. I am still perplexed why some people on here complain about so few matches. Why do I get so damn many? I'm in my early thirties and my matches are almost always between 25-35 (which is fine). I wonder if the dearth of matches for others reflects a low user base for their age (for instance, someone in their late fifties). I also wonder if the lack of matches might reflect too tight of a religious restriction. For instance, selecting Catholic (only) would eliminate three-out-of-four users in North America. I am an eHarmony fan. I definitely encourage people to read this entire page to learn how they can save money and increase their number of matches -- before they go to eHarmony's web site and create a profile!

Posted by: Brad at May 31, 2004 03:09 PM

Interesting posts here. Just joined both eH and Match this week. 34yr old grad student (guy) in a small rural college town. Slim pickings for certain.

Would like to solicit responses from some of the folks here to set my expectations realistically for these sites...

What, in your opinion, is a realistic lower threshold for the age range I should expect from these sites? I've heard:
"I'll bet that both of you are under 35 years of age!" and
"my range is 25-40" from among the ladies in this thread.

eH suggests I should target women no less than 24 for "compatability likelihood"

... is a 23 yr old and a 34 yr old such an anomaly? unusual?

I've heard the cliche "love transcends" but that's certainly appropriate only well after initial connection.

Treat this solicitation as a poll, not as a "validation for a horny guy with a teenage fetish" ; )

Guys, please chime in too...

Posted by: Lee at May 31, 2004 11:34 PM

Hi Lee,

I'm glad you asked. Here are my general thoughts on age ranges irrespective of your Eharmony situation.

One thing that is an ENORMOUS red flag for me when I look at men's ad is the age range they select. I know I want nothing to do with a 38-year-old man who lists his ranges as 18-37. How offensive! When I was younger, I aimed for men that had about equal ranges older and younger. (I.e, if the guy is 38, his ranges might be 33-43). I am less stringent now but I still prefer that he be willing to date a woman half as old as he will accept young. (Wow! That sentence made no sense! I mean for every 2 years younger than himself, he should go one year old. Ex. if he is 38, his range might be 28-43.)

Love can, of course trenscend age. But . . if you are only willing to transcend in one direction, you may be an old guy looking to date teenagers.

My advice is to think of your upper limit first. Then 1.5 it for your lower limit.

Just 1 voice out here in the wilderness! :)

Posted by: Koriandr at June 1, 2004 08:34 AM



Posted by: Andrea at June 1, 2004 09:21 AM



Posted by: Andrea at June 1, 2004 09:23 AM

Still confusing, huh?


Let's say Lee here is 34.

Let's say he thinks the oldest woman that would be acceptable to him as a match would be 40. That would be 6 years.

My plan would be to take the 6 years, multiply by 1.5. The total is 9. Subtract that from his age, making the bottom limit 25. (34 minus 9).

Posted by: at June 1, 2004 09:36 AM

I don't think there's anything inherently crappy about a man being attracted to women younger than him. What's crappy is that the reason for that attraction is often for superficial reasons. But not always.

As far as I know, I like women about my own age. But beyond that, I'm apt to go more for women that are younger than women that are older. The reason is simply because I know what it's like to be younger than me, and I don't know what it's like to be older than me. I would feel more able to identify with a younger woman than an older woman. As I get older (33 now), it's more about age ranges than particular years, but it's still true. I know a few local 36-40 yo women locally, and they're all much further in their careers and more settled in their lives than I am. That's alien to me compared to being able to identify with how I felt only a few years ago.

I'd expect that to be true, to some degree, for both men and women. So to me the more interesting question is why all these younger women are saying yes to much older men. I really don't think it is just because they're deeper than us, or because the appearance of their mate matters less to them than it does to us.

Posted by: tunesmith at June 1, 2004 02:11 PM

Sometimes it's a case of love transcending age...other times there are ulterior motives for purposely seeking a partner who is much older or younger (ego, fear of youth slipping away, wealth and security, etc.) We've all heard the stories....

However, what I don't appreciate about eHarmony is that they set the age limits for us like a restrictive parent. I've been told that my "optimal" age for "matches" is 41 to 59 (I'm 45). I can expand this age range, but not narrow it.

"Dr. NCW and his band of fictional matchmakers" (thanks, Jen!) know nothing about me and my situation. It's quite possible that a 45-year-old woman with a couple of grown children and perhaps a few grandkids might have something in common with a 59-year-old retired gentleman....but that's not where I am in my life. EHarmony doesn't take these variables into consideration....and I don't expect them to be able to do that with an automated system.

It would be preferable if we could set our own age limits and use their guidelines as "suggestions", not holy writ. After all, we all know ourselves much better than eHarmony could ever know us, 420-question test notwithstanding.

Just my 25 cents worth...

Mary in San Jose

Posted by: mary at June 1, 2004 11:30 PM

For the brief time I was on e-Harmony I told them during my first week that I would set my age ranges or else I'd quit. Voila...they let me set my own age ranges.

Have done better in person than on e-Harmony but keep running into guys that want to get married and have kids. Am definitely not into kids and don't want to have a relationship where kids are involved. And not looking for marriage any time soon, if ever. Been there, done that, no thanks.

Go figure, huh???

Where are all the 26-39 year old guys that are looking for more than one-night stands (not that there is anything wrong with that) but not marriage and kids or God forbid a pseudo-mommy to take care of them?

Posted by: Kath at June 3, 2004 07:18 PM

Hi, Andrea. In answer to your query, the people in chats are pretty friendly and open hearted. I've had good luck on 40's Love, which is a subcategory of Romance on the AOL chats. What works for me is once you enter the chat, say something friendly to somebody whose screen name or message strikes your fancy. You can also mention a movie you've seen or a book you've read recently. Flirting and humor often gets the ball rolling. They will often request a private chat with you by Instant Messaging. I've never had anything but a positive enriching experience in a private chat as well. I've only been online since last June, participated in my first chat in February, so haven't met any chat men face to face. What's hinky about the eH system is the guided communication. It's awkward and impossible to communicate in a dialogue in real time, which a chat does allow. Also, the men seem to judge me based on preliminary info, like what books I read, etc. They make lots of assumptions, but to be honset, I have also been turned off or swayed by what they say on their brief questionaire. Naturally, two people have rarely read the same books. It's not like I read books about how to make a bomb. Is reading books by retired FBI agents so bad? Hey, at least I do have an active library card. Thanks for your input too, Jean, but how did you know I'm over 40? And, Mary, a lot of men who play golf are actually pretty nice and upbeat, how about BOB for example, on the Enzyte natural male enhancement TV commercials? He's a doll.

Posted by: at June 3, 2004 08:54 PM

Hi, that last post was from me. I forgot to put my name. I'm Jenny. To all of you, both guys and gals, good luck on your worthy quest for love. Take care of you. PS My sister met her wealthy fiancee on They live together in San Rafael. She's 53, and they've been together 4 years. She does have a very girl-like figure, quite thin. All it takes is walking her dogs. Me, I've ben working out more too, have even started doing stomach crunches. I keep the serenity prayer in mind.

Posted by: Jenny at June 3, 2004 09:02 PM

Hi, Mary. I'm sorry, it was Jen who mentioned golf. I know it can be an obsessive sport, but it does put men folk in a chipper mood.

Posted by: Jenny at June 3, 2004 09:07 PM

Just My Personal Opinions on eHarmony

eHarmony is what I would call "pyramiding" using people's emotions. Here's what I cover:
1. What paying members should know.
2. What non-paying members should know BEFORE they pay.
3. Hiding photos
4. Non-existent Customer Service
5. Photo Size - Extreme Limitations
6. 15 minute log off rule
7. No control over the process
8. Personality Profile Inaccuracy

1. For Paying Members: Here's what they don't tell you. Paying members are sent "matches" from non-paying members who cannot respond or communicate with you unless they pay the fee. If they don't, it just looks like they never responded to you. And that represents the majority your matches. Effectively, eHarmony USES your profile to lure new members into paying.

2. What non-Members should know: The non-member "match" receives emails from eHarmony, enticing them to pay because "you have an email communication from someone who wants to talk to you," but they can't communicate unless they pay. What the non-member doesn't know is that email may say "I'm taking a break from dating" or "Post your picture" or other rejection. They have a whole list of rejections. Since they can't even see photos until they've paid, it may be someone they are not physically attracted to, which seems to be the majority at eHarmony.

3. Hiding Photos: I guess eHarmony decided to ignore the fact that we are all visual creates. eHarmony decided to match people on personality and enable members to hide photos under the premise people will be so overtaken by personality, that they will forget about physical attraction. Unfortunately, this enables persons you would not and will not consider dating to completely waste your time and a lot of it.

4. Customer Service: Doesn't exist. This product was clearly built under the misconception it would run itself. If you get a response to an email in 4 days, consider yourself lucky. There is no phone communication. Customer Service Chat is down altogether for days at a time, which either spells system problems, underestimating call volumes or financial issues.

5. Photos size limitations: This is bad. eHarmony allows 4 pictures at 195k each. Their competitors, including FREE sites allow 3 mb per photo. Oh, but I forgot, we don't care about physical attraction.

6. Log-Off 15 minutes: Their system logs you off every 15 minutes. They spent their money on those slick ads and not technology.

7. You get nothing: You can cannot review anyone or any profile you aren't "matched with" and based on my belief that they have low membership, their may be nothing happening. They've basically taken all the control away.

8. Personality Profile: Well mine said I was shy, avoided confrontation and was fearful of expressing my opinions to prevent upsetting anyone. My family and friends laughed. You be the judge.

My opinon? eHarmony is emotional pyramiding an snake oil.

Posted by: Lily70 at June 4, 2004 08:15 AM

When I first saw the TV ad for this, I busted up laughing. Back in the early 80's, before the computer was big, I had join a pen pal service called Harmony (sound familiar?). It was supposed to match you up with compatable pen pals. What a joke! I remember one girl they matched me with, who was in the arny and stationed in Europe. From what I could tell, she had broken up from a guy who was stringing along her and another girl. Then found out she got pregnant from him. Then she mailed a pic. If she were a man, she would have still been ugly. I wrote to a couple of others that were just as bad, then gave up. I realized that in order to not get caught up on their "guarantee", they will match you up with whatever they had.

So why would a computer program be any different? You would have better luck hanging out at the beach every weekend....

Posted by: Tb at June 4, 2004 06:34 PM


Oh, yeah...the personality profile! Here's something interesting: One of my "matches" (who closed me because he had "too much going on in his life") had made his profile available for viewing.

His profile was exactly the same as mine -- word for word! (EHarmony says that I'm shy, conventional, and unwilling to "rock the boat" for fear of upsetting others.)

I suspect that eHarmony has three or four "generic" profiles that they arbitrarily assign to each member. Sort of like the astrology column in the newspaper...a few of the points are bound to hit home, but most of it is BS.

Mary in San Jose

Posted by: mary at June 4, 2004 07:58 PM

LOL at all the people whining about the cost of eHarmony. U can join the site for a year for a mere $150. Ladies how much cash do u spend on shoes or clothes just to attract someone? Guys how much money do u blow taking women out to dinner only to discover u don't have anything in common?

If I told u I could introduce u to your lifetime love -- but u would have to pay.... How much would u be willing to cough up? For me I would sell my car and pay thousands! Quit your whining about the 7 day trials and give the site a year to make it happen for u. Personally I like the fact that eHarmony is not the cheapest. Much better than Match where the women don't have to cough up a dime and just sit back and see what comes there way.

Posted by: Daniel at June 5, 2004 06:48 AM

Daniel - Give the eharmony site a year to make it happen for u? U must be nuts. Who are u looking for that u would sell u're car and pay thousands? I wish u lots of luck, u rascal u.


Posted by: Andrea at June 5, 2004 07:30 PM

Daniel - U would actually sell ur car (what kind of car do u have?) and pay thousands? Have u forked over ur mere $150 and met ur lifetime love on eharmony? U might want to consider in-depth phone conversations with ur prospective lifetime loves to determine how much u seem to have in common in terms of interests, values and phone chemistry before u blow ur money taking them to dinner, u rascal u. For me those phone talks save a whole lot of wasted time meeting someone in person if there's zilch or little phone connection.


Posted by: Andrea at June 5, 2004 08:21 PM

Sorry Daniel - didn't mean to repeat myself. I thought the first message didn't go through, so disregard first one and go directly to two; do not pass go, do not collect $200 - unless, of course, u'd care to spend the $200 wasting ur time and money on eharmoney.


Posted by: Andrea at June 5, 2004 08:31 PM

ROTFL!!!!!! Andrea, you are a riot!

And Daniel, u rn't related 2 Dr. NCW, r u?

Mary n SJ

Posted by: mary at June 5, 2004 10:43 PM

Mary n SJ - u r funny, 2! I saw a bumper sticker the other day that's worth pondering and would love to share: Yes, it's true that many women fake orgasms, but many men fake entire relationships. (Please, men, I am not a male basher; I just laughed my head off when I saw this.)

Posted by: Andrea at June 6, 2004 05:07 AM

JEF - Re: your posting of 4/28. Are you still interested? Trying to build a foundation in my new relationship with Mr. Wonderful was like trying to re-arrange deck chairs on the Titanic.

I live in Denver - a hop, skip, and a jump from San Diego .....


Posted by: Andrea at June 6, 2004 05:21 AM

Well, I've been trying the on-line dating thing for a while now (three years maybe?). has been fairly useless - I've written to a LOT of people and I near hear anything. I let my subscription lapse and while I do keep checking their site, I never see anything interesting. personals has been more useful. I had some good email conversations going on with a couple of people, for months, but in the end, things peter out. Neither have led to so much as a phone call. So I read about eHarmony the other day and decided to check it out. I figured what the hell, it's only $250 for a year - a small price to pay if it leads somewhere, so I signed up. I had four matches right away - one of whom closed me after after an initial response, one of whom I closed out due to lack of interest, one of whom contacted me, I responded, and have yet to hear from (only been a few days of course), and one of whom I've contacted and we are now in "open communication" after 2 or 3 days. It's probably all a sham, and I'm skeptical, but I figure what the hell, it's only money.

Now I came across the comments on here and I find what everyone has to say fairly interesting. I wasn't aware of the conversative nature of eharmony before, and had I known that, I may not have signed up with them. Also, I didn't think too much about the "limited choices" inherent with eHarmony's system - but on the other hand, if people are paying that much for the service, maybe they're more serious about things than with a place like or At any rate, I think I have a lot to offer SOMEONE. I just have to find them. I'm not looking for a supermodel, just someone who doesn't have attachments and is fit & healthy. All-in-all, pretty reasonable I think.

Feel free to look up "ferroo" on and if you have interest, drop me a line at (:


Posted by: sean at June 6, 2004 11:51 PM

Today marks my 28th day on eHarmony, and I've been following the comments on this web page before that (and since). I made use of some of the information found on this page to get a deep discount on my subscription price. This was done as users here have suggested; I merely e-mailed them using the 'Contact Us' link after I had made a profile but *before* I gave any credit card information to subscribe. My experience with eHarmony has been excellent. Have I received a suitable number of matches? Yes, 90 matches in 28 days. Have an inordinate number of my matches closed out the match for any reason? No, the great majority of them continue on in the process and exactly one-third (that's 90 guys) are in Open Communication with me. Only 22 of these 90 have been closed, and some of them by me. Are these men my type of match as I feel about it? Yes, almost every single man I have been matched with has been a degreed professional and sensible and kind. Are they hideous? No, I have had two dates, and one of them was gorgeous in addition to charming. And I had no idea what he looked like before we met. As I was sitting here writing this, my neighbor who got me into eHarmony in the first place, came over and showed me her ring! She is 5'11" by the way, and can confirm that she was never matched with anyone shorter. (Her NOW-husband is 6'2".) They took an eight-day vacation and spurred a shotgun wedding after many months of dating. I hope this will be me, and maybe with the gorgeous guy. :-)

Posted by: Cathy at June 8, 2004 03:36 PM

Eharmony ripped me off. I tried to quit, and they charged my credit card, anyway. I complained and they still refused to refund the charge. Never, ever give them your crdit card number, or they'll charge you after you quit. What a hassle. Besides, I never did meet anyone from that site. Most of the ads aren't from paying customers so they can't answer you back.

Posted by: jessica at June 9, 2004 01:54 PM

I agree with the comments that eharmony BLOWS! It is impossible to change the age requirements, and I'm an attractive educated person and they are sending me these men who super short and heavy,with no careers. It is a waste of money- also a person cannot browse the members for a better fit for them. I wholeheartedly think eharmony is a marketing gimmick and a royal waste of time and money!

Posted by: Frances at June 9, 2004 08:43 PM

I agree with Jessica. eharmony ripped me off. I turned the auto renew off. Then a few days before my subscription was up they sent me an email saying my subscrption would be renewed. So once again I turned the auto renew off. Then on Tuesday I find out my credit card was charged. So I emailed them asking why. It only took 3 days to answer it. Wonder fow long it would have taken if it was telling them how great they are. Anyways they pretty much told me I didn't follow the directions so they won't refund my money. I sent them a new email today stating that I did follow the instructions. Maybe a call to the Better Business Bureau is in hand. Thats why I think Eharmony sucks.

Posted by: scrib27 at June 11, 2004 09:27 AM

Well, today's the day!

My membership expires at midnight and I am soooo excited! Just think, at precisely 12:01, at least a dozen compatible men will find my profile!

What. A. Scam.

There was one seemingly fine man in Fayetteville, NC who sent 3 messages and I replied to each of them, only to find no "Open Communication" option at the end. I like to think he's still looking for it, too. (Hey, it makes me feel better.)

An email to Customer Service two days ago still hasn't gotten a response, but I fully expect that info to arrive in the 12:01 mailbox, also.

I hope they aren't stupid enough to charge my credit card after I've checked DO NOT RENEW twice. They're messin' with a woman with PMS who hasn't been on a date in over 6 months and was scammed by "Christian" Dr. Love.

Several Charlotte radio stations have begun advertising eHarmony and positively gush over the success they read about on the eHarmony website. I'm thinking I may save them some furious locals by sending this web address over to them.


Posted by: Jan at June 11, 2004 02:48 PM

I think Kathy’s and her friends experience on eharmony is an anomaly. I was on the site and have talked with may who have also been members. While there are a few problems with the format the biggest mistake they make is encouraging members to hide their picture. This causes you to go through the lengthy process of canned questions only to find out you have no, zero, nada chemistry. The founder of eharmony has this notion that you can develop a meaningful long-term ROMANTIC relationship without having any chemistry or that you can develop chemistry.

Well sorry Neil buddy, but it just doesn’t work that way in the real world.

Like the personality factors they push so heavy, a basic attraction is also a factor and just as important as the others. One is not more important than the other, but they are all required.

The fact is that I have NEVER talked with any guy who developed an attraction for a woman that he didn't previously have. It is either there or it isn’t. That doesn’t mean you don’t develop friendships, but on a singles site you are looking for a wife not a sister.

So like Kathy I also received many matches, but out of probably 100 matches I had chemistry with 2. That is very poor odds.

So because people tend to hide on eharmony and not present their true self, I would recommend that if you use online dating that you try sites that encourage people to be more honest about who they are and up front with what they look like. That way you can know all the info (likes, dislikes, religion, etc) and also if there is any chemistry.

Posted by: Greg at June 14, 2004 04:04 PM

Has anyone noticed that on eHarmony, looks don't factor into the equation - except of course in their TV commercials and print ads? Then, suddenly they matter.

I have nothing against women who are over 100 pounds overweight. My mother is overweight, and I love my mother. I'm just not sexually attracted to said women.

So, why are those the only women I match to?

Give me one of the girls from the ads!

Posted by: Weston Harvey at June 14, 2004 08:34 PM

This weekend I, too, became an ex-member of eHarmony -- my membership expired last Saturday, and I didn't renew.

My two uncontacted "new matches" (both over 100 miles away) still show up on my screen, sans pictures. It will be interesting to see if there is a bunch of activity all of a sudden, as another poster described her experience.

I have to agree with Greg and Weston...a photo *is* really important to ascertain chemistry, much as we hate to admit that. But Weston, I think those girls are models..... :)

Traditional handsomeness is not such a magnet for me.....but a photo of (an otherwise good-looking) guy decked out in a woman's long-haired wig (I kid you not!) is a huge turnoff and tells me things that words in a profile can't describe. :)

Both Tickle Matchmaking and have been recommended to me as really good sites...and they both encourage the posting of photos.

Mary in SJ

Posted by: mary at June 14, 2004 09:42 PM

Reading these comments about dating services launched my rocket before I had a chance to get on. I'm not one for socializing in a bar with ulterior motives for finding someone to spend 25 to 30 (or more years falling in love with!) I was going to give one of these sites a try just for a change....but y'all saved me from the adventure. How often does a man with similar characteristics of Tom Hanks (he's older than me by 20 yrs.) hook up to a site like this one? If you're for real, here I sit, in the Adirondacks ...since my rocket left. Thanks again for stopping me.

Posted by: Beth at June 15, 2004 09:41 PM

just in

Posted by: Beth at June 15, 2004 09:50 PM

Boy, which Tom Hanks are you looking for? The bachelor party one? The east european one? Or the gay one?

There's also always the hired mob assassin one...

Posted by: tunesmith at June 15, 2004 09:54 PM

I'd like to have the Tom Hanks who's, uh, unfortunately, uh ..... married to Rita Wilson...
that's the story of my life .....


Posted by: Andrea at June 15, 2004 10:05 PM


Sure enough, eHarmony has responded twice after my account expired, explaining how to access the Fastrack option (that wasn't there when it should have been).

My response was that it would have been helpful if they had written while my account was still active. They apologized, citing a huge surge of new members and then offered me two additional weeks. Nice gesture, but since it's proven to be a scam in 30 days I fail to see how 14 more will bring Mr Right -- or even Mr. OK.

Remind me to use that 'huge surge of new members' thing on my next membership drive. You gotta give 'em credit for creative marketing.


Posted by: Jan at June 16, 2004 08:56 AM

science never gave love so eharmony is simply a capitalistic love venture with "love experts" willing to futher drain your credit card at the alter of matching
just go back to bars

Posted by: libos at June 16, 2004 09:20 AM

I had more of a point, I guess, than simply being shallow... eHarmony claims looks don't matter, but they don't feature any couples with combined weights over 700 pounds.

The hypocrisy is quite visible - Looks don't matter in a relationship but they sure matter in advertising. So, at eHarmony, we're not going to advertise using couples that are representative of who you are likely to encounter with the actual service.

In a way, advertising is a matchmaking all its own - matching a buyer with a seller. If you are selling, you want to show prospective buyers something they'll be attracted to.

Dr. Neil uses the basic principles of advertising to get our money, but he derides the concept when it comes to helping us find something we want.

Posted by: Weston Harvey at June 16, 2004 03:49 PM

What a scam. It is interesting when Michelle says they allowed me to put in a order for the perfect man and then she says quicker and quieter then they delivered the best match and then they show they got engaged..... Also the obnoxious gigling couple where every night is like a sleepover.... Are these people models or real? Dr. Warren seems sleezy. Like a Jimmy Swaggert type.

Posted by: Peter at June 18, 2004 07:56 AM

I've read this forum daily for about 45 days, which
means I was a visitor to this site before the June
10th CNN web site article which featured this site
and thus doubled the number of user entries in
the space of 7 days. I've also been a subscriber
at eHarmony for 35 days, and joined there only
after investigating eHarmony for a couple of
months. In the process I have learned a great
deal of solid information I want to share with
readers of this site. My information (and
recommendations) concern both this web site
and eHarmony, with a few references to, which I also have experience in using.

(1) First of all, this site (edatereview), while the
best available user-driven site for such
comments, leaves itself suspect in a couple of
ways. Most people will not have the time to read
every entry back to 2003, but if you do, you will find
*numerous* double entries. All the double entries
have a strong negative assessment and content
regarding eHarmony. You will find entries from
Bob in December with the same paragraph text
as Sally in April. The other strange thing about
this site is that it steers the user towards the
eHarmony forum, but you have to hunt and peck to
find the forum. This doesn't make a lot
of sense as is by far the more popular
site. At the very least, links to *both* forums
should be made available on the front page, but
both links are not there.

(2) eHarmony has a good service, but you will
need to go into it keeping two things in mind.
Keep your expectations real. It's difficult to find
that right person in any context and under any
circumstance. The guys and gals who are the
most beautiful, most eligible singles are probably
not using an internet site to find mates. There are
noteable exceptions, though. The other thing to
keep in mind is that finding someone on
eHarmony is going to take some time. Don't sign
up for two weeks, and don't sign up for one
month. On the other hand, DON'T pay a price of
more than $20 per month on average. (more on
that below)

(3) Everyone who creates a profile on eHarmony
(with very few exceptions) is going to receive 4
matches right away or within 48 hours. The
prudent shopper will wait to sign up as a paid
user. (By this, I mean giving your credit card
number, if even only for the 7-day trial period.)
Hold out for some days. You should continue to
receive several matches during that first five or
seven day period. If by the seventh day you still
only have the original proforma 4 matches, then
for whatever reason, your profile is fairly
'unmatchable' and will continue to be so forever.

(4) If it turns out that you are not getting many
matches (see #3 above), then don't sign up. Go
back after a few days and make another profile
with more 'balance' to the 463 responses. If you
are a screaming liberal atheist, become a little
less so. If you are a harsh evangelistic rightist,
tone down the fire and brimstone. Why should
you misrepresent yourself? Because the
answers you provide will have almost nothing to
do with who you are matched with, that's why.
Despite their much-touted procedure to match you
with the 'right' person, your matches will arrive
OVERWHELMINGLY on the balance only of
the match pair.

(5) I do not recommend eHarmony for short men.
Really. By eHarmony's own admission, they will
match men only with women who are of equal
height OR LESS. (Or conversely, women can only
be matched with men taller than they are.) If you
are a short man, and specifically if you are less
than 5'6" (which is the average height of a woman
in the USA), then you automatically will have half
of the pool of matches available to a very tall man.
This may seem like bizarre Nazi eugenics, but it's
eHarmony's self-professed way of doing

(This is a continuation of the previous post, message
immediately below.)

(6) To give users an idea of number of matches
and their response rate: In my 35 days of paid
membership at eHarmony (40 days since I made
the profile), I have had 114 matches. About 70%
of these are in my area (I selected the 300-mile
radius). Currently 31 open communications, and
about 10 more heading towards that. About 35
have closed or been closed by me for various
reasons along the way. So, overall in my
experience, you can expect a response from
about 50% of total matches.

(7) Don't sign up with eHarmony until you bargain
them down on price! They will deal. I simply
wrote to them (using the 'Contact Us') link and
negotiated via email (yes, it took a few days) until
they agreed to let me have 6 months for less than
$17 per month. And after that, they sent me an
auto-email which allowed me to take an
additional 12 months renewal for a price of less
than $13 per month. The trick is to be patient. It is
human nature to want to dive right in after making
your profile and start talking to people. eHarmony
uses this tendency towards impatience to get a
higher price from people. If you wait, and bargain,
they will either send you emails over time with
better price structures, or they will respond to your
emails to them asking for a discount.

(8) Based on my careful reading of hundreds of
user comments here and elsewhere online, as
well as in talking to numerous friends who are on
eHarmony, you should expect to negotiate a price
of about $20 per month or less; you should get 8
new matches every four days on average; you
should expect to eventually 'get somewhere' with
about 3 of these 8, on average.

(9) Now for the heart of the matter - what sort of
person should you expect to find on eHarmony? I
have seen enough matches to discern that the
site is overwhelmingly visited by professionals.
My match selection criteria includes anyone with a
high school education or above, but every single
one of my 100+ matches has had a bachelors at
a minimum. This MAY have something to do with
eHarmony's match process (in other words,
because I am a professional, their computer may
match me with only people with degrees) but I
would think that out of 114 people at least ONE of
them would have a lesser degree of education.

(10) Be patient - both before you ever give your
credit card info and after you start communicating
with people. Read many of the comments in
these forums to make sure you agree with
eHarmony's business procedures and their site
system before joining. I am very pleased with
eHarmony, and have had 3 dates with incredible
(and beautiful) women. By the filter of probability,
eHarmony blows away all other methods to meet
women for me, because the type of woman I am
looking for is found on eHarmony, quite simply.
I'm willing to give it the time it takes, but I have two
friends who met their incredible, beautiful wives
on eHarmony, and that's a strong personal
testament for me.

Posted by: Mark at June 18, 2004 02:33 PM

Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we set up a website along the lines of "Friendster" and pool all of our "matches" together, and introduce the ones we don't click with to other board users, thus expanding our odds of a "match". Wouldn't that be a gas!

Wow,'ve really done your homework. Glad that Dr. NCW is coming through for you. But I have to agree with Peter's comment about the giggling couple on the eHarmony ad..."every night's a sleepover with my best friend!" Gosh golly, I hope not! :)

Mary in San Jose

Posted by: mary at June 18, 2004 06:00 PM

After filling out those forms for 40 minutes,I was shocked to find that I was rejected by eharmony. What? No matches for Mikey? Have I become so pathetic that I am now un-dateable? Jeez I dont have THAT many issues. Must have been the low income answer.Thanks Doc.

Posted by: Michael in Tulsa at June 18, 2004 11:44 PM

Michael, that's nothing. I recently filled out my physical attractiveness profile on, and then looked at it, whereupon it tried to match myself with myself. It told me that I was "Not At All" a physical match with myself. Then, while "me" looking at "him" was not all that bad, it told "him" that *I* might not have the overall attractiveness level that "he" is looking for. So, not only am I not a good match for me, myself doesn't even think me is physically attractive, even though I think myself is. I've had a complex for days.

Posted by: tunesmith at June 18, 2004 11:59 PM

Tunesmith you're killing me. In fact I read this entire thread and haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I like this place.

Posted by: Michael at June 19, 2004 12:10 AM

(This post regards the web site , and not museworld. is another popular similar forum for comparing and eHarmony.)

I notice that within 24 hours of my post of June 18th, the owner of this web site has, to his credit, added a 'left pane' link (on all pages) to the forum, whereas such a link had not existed before. Previously, only a left pane link to the eHarmony forum existed, and one needed to hunt a bit to find a path to the forum. I find that the owner of this forum is responsive to specific posts, so now if only something can be done about the many 'doubled' or 'cut-n-paste' entries in this eHarmony forum. All of the many cut-and-paste jobs are "bad on eHarmony" and many imply "go with instead". This site would be much more credible if these double posts were removed, because they obviously do not represent unique visitors to the forum. I do recognize the right of the web site owner to allow any slant he may wish, as it's a private enterprise and he is allowed to receive funding from whomever he wishes. On the recently syndicated press coverage of the site, the owner is cited as Michael Kantor, an information technology project manager in Arlington, Virginia.

Posted by: Mark at June 19, 2004 07:14 AM

Tunesmith - Still laughing my tush off! It's like a woman being rejected by her vibrator - I know a woman whose play-toy died on her!!
I feel your pain.


Posted by: Andrea at June 19, 2004 02:11 PM

Conned by Trying to close my account as of yesterday - have had no reply to inquiries.
A representative will be with you in one moment.
Conned by Anyone there?
Conned by Trying to close my account as of yesterday - have had no reply to inquiries.
[Chris C. - A representative has joined the session.]
Chris C.: Hello Oh Bilked One,
thank you for contacting eHarmony Live Care. I understand that you would like to close your account. I’m happy to assist you with that, but first I’d like to ask why you have decided to close. Perhaps I can help.
Conned by Two things: the people and the price.
Conned by Neither you can assist with.
Chris C.: Actually, I believe I can assist you if you would like me to.
Conned by Yes, I wish you to assist me in closing my account.
Conned by Thank you, that is all I want.
Chris C.: Ok. No problem. One moment please.
Conned by ok
Conned by I have to go.
Chris C.: Would you like to contact us back at a more convenient time?
Conned by No, I want you to cancel my account right now, I have already tried before a couple of times yesterday.
Chris C.: Oh. Ok. I was curious because you stated you have to go. However, since you have time now, I will go ahead and do this for you. One moment please.
Conned by It is my friend's birthday and we wish to leave to go and have breakfast in ChinaTown.
Chris C.: Ok. Then it might be better for you to contact us back at a more convenient time. We are open until 9pm pst. Would you prefer to do this?
Conned by Nope, I want you to cancel my account right now, I have already tried before a couple of times yesterday.
Chris C.: Ok. No problem. One moment please.
Chris C.: I have reviewed your account and see that you have only been with us for a short time.
Chris C.: I would hate for you to leave us without benefiting from the service. That is why I am able to double your subscription time for free.
Chris C.: Would you be interested in taking advantage of this offer?
Conned by nope - it isnt right for me.
Conned by I am a Buddhist and these folks are Christians.
Chris C.: Are you aware that you are able to select Buddhists from your MY MATCH SETTINGS?
Conned by Chris hon - please just close the account - my reasons are my own. I am a techie - I am nearly 50, I am probably going to become a nun. Best thing is to just close it or I will have to go to my credit card company and close it that way, thank you.
Conned by i am not kidding about the nun part.
Chris C.: So did you want me to take care of this for you or have you already contacted your card company?
Conned by please close my account with
Chris C.: Ok. No problem.
I have gone ahead and processed that refund for you. Please allow up to 3 business days for the refund to post, and up to two billing cycles to appear on your credit card.
Chris C.: Your confirmation number is: seven digit number
Chris C.: If you’d ever like to reopen this account, feel free to email me directly. We wish you much success in finding someone who’s right for you.
Chris C.: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Posted by: Conned by at June 22, 2004 03:12 PM

By the way - the info from the post above - it took 30 plus minutes for "Chris C." to close the "temporary 3 day" account. Monday they were closed.

I can not explain how vexing it was - they treated me like a child that just didn't understand what it wanted.

Phooey to those guys! Coming up with any excuse to make the account go over into the chargable time zone.

Join a real activity club in your area, go biking, take a class, visit the ocean, volunteer, if you must abuse your cash, give it away on the street to panhandlers (but in Asia or South America) among the real poor.

Posted by: Conned by at June 22, 2004 03:24 PM

I have been looking for some one who cares about the feelings of others If that is you send a message.

Posted by: Melissa Montana at June 24, 2004 03:14 PM

This is a great discussion board, I'm glad I found it! Anyway I have a little question about & "winking". I've had a profile there now for several weeks. I've been a little discouraged by the fact that most of the girls only want someone 6' to 8', even if they themselves are only 5'. I'm only 5'7" so I figure I only stand a chance with the few with "lower" standards. There were a couple girls I seemed to match with, and so I sent them a "wink". That was 4 days ago and no response. Should I try to email one of them, or would that just be self-abuse since they didn't wink back? I thought my pictures were pretty good, and my profile seemed as good as others I've seen. They're both still active - editing their profiles rotating their pictures etc since I winked them. Do girls get flooded with so many winks that they don't pay much attention to them? Myself I have 82 views but never a single wink from any of them, so I don't know. What's the best protocal to follow here? Just wait a little longer, then forget it & move on? Or do girls tend to wait for a guy to be more assertive then just clicking the wink button before they respond? Thanks.

Posted by: KenCal at June 25, 2004 04:03 AM

KenCal, I've had mixed experiences with winking. I've had women take the initiative and send me a wink, as well as about 25% sending back a wink after I've sent one.

I am no longer a member of, but my recommendation to you is to be a bit more assertive. If you currently have a subscription after sending a wink I'd also send an email letting them know that you're interested. Usually if a woman doesn't want winks she may specify so in her profile. Additionally, you may not get a written response all together because no longer allows you reply to communications unless you are a paid subscriber.

All the best.

Posted by: Genesis at June 25, 2004 11:25 AM

I am so angry at eharmony, or eharmoney. If you search you will find that the first spelling says nothing about christianity, but spell it with the word money and the same site comes up as a Christian one. Iam first furious that I signed up for only one month and got deceived into a year. I have written them 3 times only to be told they will continue to bill me. I have belonged to many dating services online, Yahoo, Match, american singles, emode, and eharmoney is the worst of them all. It makes it impossible to figure out what the hell is going on and how to keep communication open. I knew it was a lousy site after 3 days.

Now I am upset because I had no idea it was a Christian organization until they mailed me the Book "Finding the Love of your Life". A collegue at work saw the words " Focus on the family" and asked me if I knew what that was? I had no clue. I am Jewish and I feel totally deceived.

I have reported then to the Better Business Burough and hope this company gets whats coming to them.

Posted by: Pam at June 25, 2004 09:32 PM

KenCal: Don't feel bad. I "winked" at so many men on (to no response), I think I have developed a permanent tic in my right eye. The instructions after the wink suggest we take a more "assertive" approach and follow it with an email. Which I did. Mine were articulate, funny and showed interest in the mens' profiles. Still nothing. To date, the only "wink" I have received was from my brother! But I do keep receiving "matches" from Match. Any similarity between what I painstakingly specified as good match material and the "matches" they send me is strictly coincidental. I'm starting to have deep suspicions about ALL matching services now. The only internet forum I'm truly interested in is this one. Never miss a day reading all of you. It's starting to feel like a family.

Pam, you go, girl. Keep us posted on your communications with the BBB re the shysters at Eharmoney.


Posted by: Andrea at June 25, 2004 09:51 PM

Thanks Andrea and Genesis! I guess that's what I'll do next, try emailing. That makes me feel better, I still wonder what happens on the other end. The curiosity finally got the best of me about the winks, and so I went in to where you can look at your own profile "as the public see's it", and I winked myself! Atleast now I know what it looks like to them. Now it shows 1 wink on my page. Probably the only one I'll get. Atleast it looks better, too bad it's just me. Tonight I got an email announcement that 'these' members had winked at me. For some reason it got me excited for a second but, it was just me. Glad I'm not the only one with that experience though, I was wondering if it was just me - & after all those views I wondering if maybe it was because they were turned off because I wasn't tall enough :-)

I noticed I got a big slew of views on my profile today, most of them occurried this morning. I haven't had that many in one day since I first joined. Are all the views always unique or can one member generate multiple views? I'm up to 90 views now after 82 the previous night. I'm finding it kind of addicting to come home every night to see if I got viewed again ;-)

I was trying to compare domographics men to women in my area, but when I do an otherwise identical search I get the exact same number of results either way. That doesn't really make sense, I'll have to play around with it some more.

Posted by: KenCal at June 26, 2004 12:58 AM

Almost forgot to ask, did anyone get a phony email from when you first published your profile? I got one from a supposed member in another state (no picture), but when I went to look up her profile, it said it didn't exist. I thought probably sends those out to trick people to become paying members so they can try to respond? But it did list an actual email address in the body of the message. It showed that it came from love@AOL by My instincts told me it wasn't real so I just ignored it. Still a mystery though.

Posted by: KenCal at June 26, 2004 01:13 AM

Hi all,
After trashing eharmony I do want to put in some positive feedback on I have met many interesting and decent men over the year and just met a really nice one. Also I do like Yahoo too. Try match doctor cause it's free.
I am determined to expose Neil Clark.
Have a great week end,


Posted by: Pam at June 26, 2004 07:58 AM

Here's another one for the mix. Anyone ever tried I just joined on a two-for-one deal, but after only a few hours have serious buyers remorse and may quit. Set up a lot like eHarmony with long profile. It was pitched strongly on Lifetime TV.

Posted by: Carole at June 26, 2004 09:32 PM

I haven't seen this mentioned - but another fraud factor on Eharmony is that they never tell you when other members have cancelled.

Think about it - you have a list of all your matches permenently whether open or closed. And no one Ever shows up as cancelled memberships. There is no such thing as cancelled.

You do get all those who supposedly closed and the reason they closed. But clearly that is a lie. Many of those have left EH and they obviously give you phony closed messages.

My membership - days after I cancelled - had a new email. So obviously they left my match as active after I cancelled and the person then thought they could write to me.

For all those people who you never hear back from - they could have cancelled long ago.

that is Fraud - pure and simple.


Posted by: Sandra at June 26, 2004 11:20 PM

Hi, I need some help. Is there anyone here that has or still have a acount. I want to find this chicks e-mail address but I'm low on funds so I don't have the money for the enter fee. What I'm asking for is if some one that has an acount there get on the site & look up her e-mail address & send it back to me? If you could do that please e-mail me or post on this forum, I'll e-mail you the username.


Posted by: Maverick at June 27, 2004 03:49 AM

Anyone can give any answer to any question. Online dating sucks, and is a breeding ground for people who are socially disfunctional and basically full of BS. You're better off going to a bar and seeing how they handle themselves in a real life situation. Of course, if their primary interest in life is going to the bar you've got a problem too. Online dating did teach me how to say no though, because there's a lot more rejects than you'd encounter in daily life.

Posted by: Jack Offline at June 27, 2004 12:07 PM't let 'em suck you in. I signed up to just test the waters and was amazed really at the number of responses in just a few days, but several of them were way beyond my stated age range...a couple of very decent ones though. So, I had to pay up to respond to the choice few. So, I forked over my credit card number last night and today noticed that some apparent church lady had edited my profile!! The statement I had made was not offensive except to a frigid, fearful of her sexuality "church lady" (you know, that character on SNL). It was in no way profane or anything remotely close to that. Even the first guy at with which I spoke to about it was stunned that it had been deleted from my profile. Only half the sentence was it made an impression about me that did not truly represent me. The original statement was a little flirty, with a big dose of joking. The "new-and-improved" statement made ME sound like church lady. Ick.

I was so had not been 24 hours since I paid them and I wanted my money back! I didn't want any part of Again, the first guy agreed with me, but then the billing dept. refused to refund my money!! They were totally inflexible about all of it...said they could delete anything they wanted from my profile and especially anything that offended ANY other member. So, I'm stuck with them for the next 3 months...but I don't take such things lightly. I'll make sure everyone I connect with knows how much they suck. If you have a good product or service and someone wants to back out of it within 24 hours, there's no reason to be so unreasonable...especially when you're changing the game mid-stream. They've got big-head, monopoly syndrome...the bane of our society... But, history proves that never lasts forever :) Word-of-mouth is a killer ;)

Posted by: Leah at June 30, 2004 02:55 PM

More from Leah... I was just reading others talking about the winking on I had gotten several winks and emails before I finally decided to pay up (last nite)...3 or 4 days into it. I couldn't respond with email before that. Just wink.

There was one guy that I especially liked and I winked at him first, and then he emailed me in response. So, mainly because of him, I decided to get a membership, so I could email him back. Last nite after I got the membership, I was eager to email him back, but his profile was GONE!! That totally disappointed me.

It had been a couple of days since he had emailed me in response to my wink, but for a variety of reasons I wasn't able to get the membership for a couple of days. Now, he's out there thinking I wasn't interested :( And, it's left me feeling like maybe he dropped out because he was disappointed that I didn't respond. I was hoping those vipers at might contact him for me, but fat chance... Oh well, gotta feel that if it was meant to be, it would be.

Posted by: Leah at June 30, 2004 03:15 PM

I think it's great for girls, but horrible for guys because, from what I'm understanding, the ratio of guys to girls is pathetic. I couldn't find any actual statistics but I could imagine it being something like 50+ guys for every girl. I thought that by now, with the ratio of women on the Internet about equal to men, that you'd see the same ratio at the dating sites, but for some reason not many of them seem to go to dating sites while apparently nearly every single guy online does. I've been on for a month now and not a single wink or response. I've had close to 100 views in that time, but that's as far as it goes for me. Maybe all of them are turned off when they see I'm 5' 7". Funny thing is, I never thought that was such a horrible thing until I started reading online dating profiles.

Posted by: KenCal at July 1, 2004 03:09 AM

I have tried eHarmony,, and yahoo personals. I think eHarmony intentionally “rations” the number of matches provided to you to induce you to draw out your membership. As for Yahoo and, I am 27 and found a lot of people on all site do not respond. However, I initially had a good response from Yahoo, and was willing to be openminded and meet a variety of women, and had about 30 first dates over a 3 month period. What I found was that among the attractive women, all were not paying members of Yahoo (you can respond for free if you are not a member but the writer is a member) and most were going out on about 3-5 dates a week. Most of them were first or second dates, and many of the attractive women had an attitude about them where they made it clear they wanted to be wined and dined. With the guy paying for it, of course. I quickly learned to set coffee dates after normal dinner times as my first dates, and many women were so bold as to question why I didn’t want to meet for dinner. I am convinced many women in their 20's were basically getting free dinners almost every night of the week from meeting people online. Sick.

Posted by: Chip at July 1, 2004 08:48 AM

Leah - my curiosity is peaked. What line in your profile did censor. I have plenty of tales of woe relating to Match and have decided after 3 months to chuck the whole match service thing. I'll stick with my pets. You guys don't even want to know about the guy I met through Match and dated intensely for two months - until last Saturday. If I refer to him at all in future, I'll just call him Ebenezer. He makes Scrooge look like a philanthropist, and I am no gold digger. Au contraire. I'm through.

Posted by: Andrea at July 1, 2004 09:45 PM

Hiya' Andrea,

Sorry about your bad deal with "Ebenezer." Hang in there, girlfriend ;) Well, I'm thinking about telling you the phrase that was deleted from my profile.

Oh, and KenCal, you might be right about the men to women ratio...I got close to 300 views within 3 days. Again, there were a lot of "duds" in the winks and emails that I received. But, there were a few that definitely had potential.

My experience on Match is getting very entertaining. It amazes me how guys don't even read my profile; they apparently just look at the photo and then email me saying we're a perfect match, LOL Sooo funny...but also kinda sad.

Anyway, I was so annoyed about being censored, I just kept editing my profile and putting the statement right back in. They took it back out a couple more times. LOL...finally it took. Yeehoo, I won! LOL I love it when I get my way, hee, hee ;) So, you be the judge, here's the line, do you think it's offensive and/or inappropriate in that forum? (Please, no church-lady responses...I know, I know, sex is bad, LOL)

I wrote, "I've always said I want a guy that looks like and has a heart like Jesus...but kinda morphs into the other guy in the bedroom ;)" That's it verbatim. They kept deleting this part, "...but kinda morphs into the other guy in the bedroom." So, the statement was left as, "I've always said I want a guy that looks like and has a heart like Jesus ;)" ...which came across very church-lady-ish in my opinion...and seemed especially stupid with the winky left in.


Posted by: Leah at July 2, 2004 10:35 AM

Leah, I can't believe they censored that portion of your profile. However, if you think that Jesus looked like Jeffrey Hunter in King of Kings, I'd hate to disappoint you. No Semitic person on earth, either then or now, looked like Jeffrey Hunter. I could elaborate on this - Discovery Channel did a program on the "real" Jesus, and addressed in scientific detail what he probably looked like. Imagine Jackie Mason with dark hair. Anyway, I digress. They should never have tampered with that line in your profile. It goes back to our 1st Amendment rights.
Good luck on Match. I hope you have better results than I did.

Posted by: Andrea at July 2, 2004 09:19 PM

Andrea, Leah et al -

I'm definately never going back to EH. I checked out today (has been years since I've visited there). Could anyone give me a quick primer on how it works? Do I have to take a test and be matched? Or can I just write to whoever I want to write to?

I saw some seemingly likeable guys at first glance... any cautions?


Posted by: Sandra at July 5, 2004 12:25 PM


Do you have your pic posted on Match? I wonder if men don't respond if you don't have a pic?


Posted by: Sandra at July 5, 2004 12:27 PM

Exactly as you I abandoned eHarmony and decided to try during the last five days and it has been years since I last went to their web site. So far, so very good. I'm in my fifth day. I wanted to post here to encourage to sign up only after finding the link for 30% off, which will give you six months for $45.99 .
Thanks! Robert
P.S. If you do not find the link for it while perusing eHarmony, post here and I will try to describe how to find it. This weekend it seems to be hidden behind the "Sign up now for 3 free days" banner ad on their site.

Posted by: Robert at July 5, 2004 02:13 PM

Sandra - Yes, I have pictures on They are under user name Munchkin705, and if I do say so myself, I don't exactly look like chopped liver. As a matter of fact, quite attractive enough for all normal purposes - and a lovely profile to boot. I'm, as I previously mentioned, not interested in meeting anyone on a matching service. I've been burned too badly, and have more or less crawled into my cave to take care of my wounds - and my anger. But still love you all.


Posted by: Andrea at July 5, 2004 11:31 PM

Boy, were, Yahoo! and the rest an eye opener once you finally got a sense of what was going on and put some serious time into it, with absolutely zero results.

First off: I can say that of all the intelligent, non-raunchy emails I sent on to women I found attractive... I received not one response. Zero. I'm not bad-looking and I can write well, so I thought perhaps well, I guess I'm not that good looking (all of a sudden). Then I spoke to others who had used the site.

If you're a decent looking woman you can expect to receive thousands of views, and hundreds of messages, winks or what not on If you are a guy, you should prepare yourself for the fact that the men-to-women ratio seems to be anywhere from 10 to 1 to 15 to 1 to even higher.

The other thing I heard is that many women will have free profiles on, but will not pay for the membership to communicate with you, which makes writing them useless.

I tried every tack: careful targeting, the shotgun theory of literally sending out tens of emails in one sitting--nothing worked. And I'm not fat, old, overweight, married or boring.

Yahoo! was another problem. It's been on Yahoo! that I've been sent an "icebreaker" (the free message for non-members which is pre-written more than once, from a profile that turned out to be fake and merely a front for a pay porn site. Some even replied to my notes! So obviously somebody is actively trolling the board using front profiles to spam unsuspecting guys on the site with emails that lead literally... to nowhere.

The other thing about Yahoo! is the utter lack of turnover and new faces. Sure, you get a few new ones a week, but it's not a lot. Seeing that you're already emailed all the ones you're interested in and received no response, expect to see those same pictures over and over again.

And again: the guy to girl ratio is ridiculous, apparently. The only date I managed to secure in about four months on many sites was at, which turned out badly because while we conversed easily, she was considerably heavier than her pictures suggested (she listed herself as "height/weight proportionate"). I made sure to have current (within weeks) photos on my profile, so I felt somewhat betrayed when in person she turned up looking quite different.

Also not even worth the time were (man, it is like the same 20 women and I swear 15 of them are fake profiles) and (similar problem). I've not tried, but I am through with online "dating," I'd rather take my chances randomly at a bar or wherever than this excercise that seems to me the cyber version of the strip club: merely a device to relieve thousands of men of their money.


Posted by: Chicago Tony at July 6, 2004 02:29 PM

Tony - Insofar as is concerned, you obviously haven't been reading we females' comments on this forum. You said words to the effect that if you're a "decent-looking woman", you will be inundated with winks, emails, hugs, kisses, accolades, blessings from above, etc. from males of the persuasion on That is just a plain load of cow pucky. (Either that or I do, indeed, look like chopped liver. Not!) I was on Match for three months, and just like you, sent oodles of intelligently written, funny emails to prospective matches, indicating particular aspects of their profiles that were of interest to me. And just like you, with very few exceptions, NADA by way of response. Not even the courtesy of responding to say I look like their Aunt Ming-Toy Shleffstein, and they never liked her, so ta-ta to you, baby.
This all begged the question: what is wrong with me? I have come to conclude, nothing. It's the system that is entirely bogus.
As for Yahoo! I can't comment, but Match also repeats the same male faces w/profiles ad nauseum.
Tony, sweetie, I feel your pain. We all feel your pain. Lavishing love on one's pets, and receiving it back ten-fold, is an alternative to think about. I'm not quite ready for that Buddhist convent in Tibet.


Posted by: Andrea at July 6, 2004 07:22 PM

True story: Two gals who know each other put their profiles on E-Harmony. They are both looking for completely different types of men. Yet they both receive the same man's profile as a match. Clever marketing scheme. Bring in a Doctor to facilitate a sense of professionalism and the element of a psychological profile to give an impression of modern science. These sites are no better than the faith healers who prey on the sick and downtrodden. So what I suggest is to sneak a clue to your e-mail address in your profile. Match and Yahoo are the toughest to do this with. Does anyone know how the screening process works on Is it edited by computer, human or a bit of both?

Posted by: Clever1 at July 6, 2004 08:18 PM

Andrea and Robert

Thanks for your comments. I'll look for the discount - did see the 3 days free.

Andrea I wonder if they leave up old profiles of people who have long ago gone away like they do on EH?

I hate writing profiles and have never been brazen enough to put my photo up - have preferred to mail to those I choose.. But will give it a try later this week and report back on results.

I do love my quality time with my pets but.. hate having the summer pass with no one to do fun stuff with..... can't take my cats to concerts or films with me. Alas.


Posted by: Sandra at July 6, 2004 11:11 PM

Andrea: I'm not saying that only men don't have success, I hear you. What I can't fathom is who actually IS having success with these things.

Not to be too conspiratorial, but I would love to pull back the curtain and see what's really "real" about these sites; i.e., who's "really" on, who "really" exists, etc.

Another thing about I took all those surveys--the in-depth, detailed surveys about personality and personal attraction (that one was weird). Supposedly, this would make it even more of a "match" experience. Problem was, anytime you came upon a profile and wanted to compare--not one woman I had come across had filled out any of them, making it a fruitless exercise.

But hey: lesson learned. There's a hell of a lot of photos on these sites that are obviously a little "too" professional--ringers--but even one on Yahoo! that looked like a regular shot taken by a friend... that turned out to be a front for a pay-for-porn site.

I tend to agree with clever1 that these sites are the Internet version of the faith healer, fortune teller, or weight loss pill, LOL.

Either that, or I am the most hideous monster to come down the pike in Internet dating history, which I doubt... LOL

Posted by: Tony at July 7, 2004 07:58 AM

I thank Tony for reading my comments and affirming the faith healer comparison. I do not mean to imply these sites aren't worth a try. All things considered, the internet is no better or no worse than any other way of meeting a perspective life mate. It is just different. There is still a social stigma attached to it for some. Once, this same stigma was placed on those who met in bars. Now, when you disclose to someone that you met your current beau or belle in a pub, it is almost thought of as normal. You can sense their relief as you indicate that you didn't initiate the relationship on the web. This preconceived notion will change as it has already thanks in part to sites like e-Harmony. While I do not believe that e-Harmony can bring people together any more successfully than any other site, e-Harmony is changing the mindset with it’s advertising. I have read on another site however, that e-Harmony really caters to moral majority beliefs and Christian fundamentalist values. They are certainly not announcing this on any of its television, radio or print ads. If true, justifying this deceptive practice as a way to bring in the bucks smacks of religious hypocrisy. But I believe the web is a legitimate arena in which to find real love. People can be just as sincere or insincere on the street, in a bar, at a speed dating session or even in church. Assuming people are genuine on the net and want meaningful relationships, the next stage is to write an upbeat, optimistic profile free from any derogatory remarks about the opposite sex. Like, “Done kissing frogs” or “Too many shrews to tame”. We attract what we fear.

Posted by: Clever1 at July 7, 2004 11:57 AM

My 6 month subscription to eHarmony is expiring in 3 days. I've closed out all my remaining matches and set it so I won't receive a flood of matches on the last day.

All in all, I'm satisfied with the process. Not happy nor sad but I think I got my money's worth. Out of about 80 matches, I reached Open Communication with about 7, traded phone calls with 2 and dated one for a few weeks before we settled on being good friends.

My ego did take some bruising wondering why someone would close me out for some lame reason (after all, I'm a pretty decent guy). Even after all that, I'm not sure what my matches were looking for. Actually, I'm not all that sure what I was looking for.

I'm guessing that a lot of the people I matched on eHarmony were curious about the whole online dating thing and not completely serious about meeting someone.

I'd say about 1/2 of all my matches never responded and I had to close them out. I'd say about 1/3 actually went to the trouble to close me out.

The reason why I'm encouraged is that I did fare better on eHarmony in 6 months than I did in real life for the past 2 years (sad I know).

I'll admit, I've some issues with my self image and shyness and I was curious how I would fare in a medium where I could hide behind a flattering photograph.

When given the chance, I did feel I was able to present myself as well as I could given the limitations of meeting someone online.

It's easy to get distracted by the novelty and anonymity of online dating. I've fantasized about easy, quick sex (admit it, you have too) or playing the role of a self-confident Casanova.

What I think is most valuable is what eHarmony taught me about myself; how vain and judgmental I can be. It's hard work being a good person who takes people as they come and I know I'm not always up to task.

Right now I'm working on applying the good qualities I discovered to real world situations. It's all me, afterall.

Posted by: Isaac at July 8, 2004 06:09 PM

I was urged by a friend into eharmony. I got a match right away. I held off a decision to go ahead because of the $50, and the insistent spiel that it takes a long time - yea, $250 worth.

I went ahead registering with my credit card and did the next step - what was it - yes, the five questions. I waited four days.

On the fifth day, eharmony says my match has put me on HOLD.


Something sticky in Katmandu

Cancel! Bing!

I don't live in a place where a match would be often and I purposely put some distancing things in my profile like I am obsessed with the Grenada Revolution and looking for someone only in my town and I had lost a child and I am in my 60s - hehhheh - pretty distancing, doncha think, the treasure that I am.

My Gideon could of put in my name, Grenada and our town into Google and gotten my website with my email address on every page.

I suspect eharmony did not really have a match for me, then put me on HOLD while I would get past the 7 days. Then I was to lose dear Gideon and wait for months or so for the next match.

I could be wrong, but the lady has instincts that have served her well.

Posted by: Ann at July 10, 2004 07:52 PM

Hello Girlfriends - Not to offend you men out there, but girlfriends, would someone please say something nice about men? Lately I've been feeling the milk of human kindness hemorrhaging from my soul.

I just wanted to vent. I'll help you out when you need it, too. Thank you.


Posted by: Andrea at July 11, 2004 09:16 PM


Lemme see ... here's something nice about men: they generally don't have hidden agendas, and they're way better than women at letting go of the bad stuff and moving on; they don't seem to have much capacity for holding simmering grudges for decades. They are no better and no worse than us women, for the most part, only different.

Well, that's a big generalization, and therefore flawed by its nature, but it's borne out by my own experience.


Posted by: anima in Orlando at July 12, 2004 02:54 PM

Men: Can reach stuff off high shelves, and sometimes know what is wrong with your car and how much a gargage is likely to charge you to fix it. Sometimes have very pretty legs (or maybe curly chesthairs). Generally are straightforward about what they want and are happy when they get it.

It can be SO hard to find the one for you, but don't get too down on men, they are usually pretty good people. (Imagine a world of only women! Eek!)

Posted by: Koriandr at July 12, 2004 03:09 PM

Hi Anima and Koriandr - Thanks for your comments. Sorry to say, Koriandr, my experiences with 2 relationships in the past year are in TOTAL conflict with your "Generally (men) are straightforward about what they want and are happy when they get it." I could write a book on that sentence alone. Sorry to sound so down, but what is a pessimist but an optimist with experience? In the past I was always the person who firmly believed in storing one's baggage in the attic, but it reaches a certain point, when the baggage overflows the attic and plops on your head.

Posted by: Andrea at July 12, 2004 04:28 PM

I've enjoyed all the comment about eharmony. I was very suspicious of them from the start but did sign up for the three month 49. deal. I got very few matches after first joining and complained quite loudly to "customer service" and got canned answers about how busy and successful they were-I suggested they were a scam if they were signing up more people than they could manage. I did get a few more matches then. My favorite was with a 62 yr old man( I'm 50) that wanted my *weight* and height the first communication we had-I made a joke about it and he responded if I couldn't be "completely honest and open in a relationship" I wasn't for him. . I did get 15-20 matches- out of those maybe one or two were mildly interesting-then I got a flurry of "matches" just before my 3 months ended. AFTER it ended, besides the numerous ads from them to renew, they sent me more matches than I ever got in the three paid months- for Dr.'s and attorneys and within 30 miles of me. I guess they thought I was dumb and desperate and would just renew again to talk to these new matches. A CHRISTIAN scam-that's my opinion.

Posted by: Jan at July 14, 2004 03:10 AM

Anima, Andrea, Koriandr, and all: As I've reported in the past, I am slightly over 50, a lawyer, with kids in high school and college. I am nearing the end of my soulmate search with Dr. NCW---about two weeks to go. There have been a number of matches (at least thirty). One turned into a phone acquaintanceship, but he was talking about "our relationship" after the second phone date, during which we talked about our diet and exercise regimes, and our favorite recipes for cooking fish. To be fair, I am coming out of a two-year relationship (someone I met in three weeks on Matchmaker. com) and I am trying to follow my instincts a bit better, so bolting is the first thing that comes to mind when exchanges seem to not pass the "is he for real" test.

Good things about men---I have several very close male friends. I love their company and the "chemistry" we have (whatever that is) as sidekicks and mentors. In romantic contexts, though, my take is that men are less than candid much of the time. I definitely would not characterize them as direct. My experience has been a short parade of SO's that are passive/aggressive and not really wanting to share a life, though they can model it for a while, and maybe even try to get there.

I must say that a lot of the men I read on this website seem very direct, indeed, and refreshingly smart and funny. It is a nice, and reassuring, surprise.

I probably won't renew with the good doctor and his soothingly pink backdrop, but I agree with those that say this means of soulmate searching is probably no better or worse than any other. It's a matter of statistics and probability, I do think.

I am interested in male comments that there are more males seriously looking for "mates or dates" than females doing the same. I hear this from other men, including my brother in L.A. That is not my perspective at all---I am wondering if there is an age differential? What are your thoughts?


Posted by: Jen at July 15, 2004 02:26 PM

Hi Andrea and all...hmmmmm, trying to think of good things about men, Andrea. I gotta be honest, the first thing that comes to mind is their bodies, LOL ;)

I've always preferred the company of men over women, but I think that's mainly because most guys tend to treat me like I'm something special and they kinda cater to me...which actually amazes me. I'm a cute little redhead, but I'm no model or anything. I have to admit, even though I have a strong feminist inclination, I love it when a guy hurries to open the door for me :) Oh, and that reaching stuff on the top shelf is right on, LOL...and fixing the car...and squishing spiders...

I've had a male roommate (platonic) for several years and he can be all kinds of sweet when he wants to be...and funny and playful. My "Mr. Right" has gotta be funny and playful...I mean, what else ya' got when the looks go?? LOL

Today I was all sweaty on the treadmill and my roommate picked up a small fan and was cooling me off with it. We both started laughing and he just kept doing it. He's such a sweetie sometimes. He popped some popcorn a little bit ago and just brought me a bowl of it without my asking or anything (we've been friends for many years). Little thoughtful things like that are what I like in a guy.

But, like most of the guys I meet, he's very emotionally unavailable...I tend to meet Mr. Spock over and over again. But, I think we meet the guy that most matches our own "energy." So, that kinda tells us what WE need to be working on before venturing out to find "the one." I know I still have lots of work to do on myself (but I'm getting eager; hence, the "adventure")...but, I do believe that when we're ready to meet that special one, he'll be there. I think it's important to just know that and be patient... You're idea about cuddling our pets until then may be just the thing to do, Andrea, hee, hee :)


Posted by: Leah at July 15, 2004 09:03 PM

Jen - What are "SOs"??

Leah,I was starting to get interested in your roommate(!) right up until the moment you said he's emotionally unavailable. C'est domage!! I attract that type by the carload. Ditto on your preference for the funny and playful. (You have to get out of bed sometime, right?) It's requisite for any of my relationships, be they friends, lovers, etc. Even my dog and 2 cats have terrific senses of humor. Must have acquired it living with me.


Posted by: andrea at July 15, 2004 09:26 PM

Here's my two cents on eharmony and I moved to Tampa last year and didn't know anyone so I joined It was a waste of time so after one year I cancelled my membership. At least in Tampa, the profiles (both men and women) tended to be more about how often people worked out and how much they loved the Bucs. Absolutely no substance.
I joined eharmony about a month ago. I've received about 10 matches. Many of the men are 15 years older than me or no one has responded after the first stage of communication. I'm hoping it's not a waste of time. We shall see.

Posted by: Sunny at July 17, 2004 09:47 AM

I was considering joining eHarmony, but after reading most of the posts on this site I have decided not to. I currently live in Oklahoma City and the dating scene for a single 40 year old Hispanic male like myself does not exist in the local area. Thanks for helping my save my $$$.

Posted by: Gonz at July 17, 2004 03:35 PM

I was thinking about trying e-Harmony, but after reading your comments, I'm certainly having second thoughts...

I noticed a friend at work displaying a photo of her new boyfriend, when I asked her where she met him, she told me through e-Harmony. She said she had dated one other match, but he didn't pan out.
I asked her how long the search took, she told me about a year.

I'm a widow, so I thought that maybe I was ready to date someone, maybe this would be a safe way, but after what I have been reading, I'm having second and third thoughts! I haven't dated anyone since my husband, years ago and we met the old fashioned way.

Thanks for the info. guys!

Posted by: Carolyn at July 18, 2004 12:40 PM

I've put up a webpage at talking about my own online dating experiences over the last two years, along with some thoughts on why the whole process Just Plain Doesn't Work for many of us. It's written from a geeky guy's perspective (though I've had quite a few conversations with women who have had similar experiences)... I'm curious to hear what others think.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at July 18, 2004 04:18 PM

Leah! I GOT THE CHURCH LADY TOO! Did you get a note from that said you were basically a sexual troll and the suggested you go to It would have been funny if they had not frozen my profile for a week while I hashed it out with them.

My profile had only two things I could even GUESS would freak them out. First I made my title "I'm ready to be tied down" And then made my first line "or maybe just tied up" ;) I thought I was making a clever, okay perhaps slightly sexual *GASP* joke about being tied down, you know in a relationship.... The only other thing I said was, " what's the deal with everyone being so into hiking? I mean every profile mentions a love for hiking! Is this code for downloading porn off the Internet or something?" Okay so maybe that was a bit over the top, but it reflects my personal humor and though perhaps it could be seen as "in poor taste" and not something one would say in church, but it certainly doesn't warrant me being called a sexual troll looking for multiple sex partners and sent to another site does it?

I would up here looking for information on how exactly's program sorts its photo gallery. I do not show up when a simple search on me is done for my zip code unless I put my specific age on there. I wonder if I have been marked as someone to filter to the bottom of the deck since I spent a week arguing with the customer care people over my profile?

I am about to change it again. I am not having much luck. Also my page view counter has been stuck on 27 since I had this arguement with them. I know it has been viewed because I have gotten a wink and an email since then. seems to have pretty vanilla standards. I can understand screening out the sexual perverts etc. But I feel very restricted on what I can and cannot put in my "about me" section.

Posted by: nilla2004 at July 19, 2004 09:29 AM

Nilla2004 - Is all this really worth the aggravation? These matching services are such total shit. Get a dog if you don't already have one. (I mean the 4-legged kind.) Or a cat, or a gerbil, or a pet rock. (Do pet rocks still exist?) Or a vibrator? Just some suggestions.


Posted by: Andrea at July 19, 2004 10:48 AM

Please I want you to delete my profile

Posted by: Daniela at July 19, 2004 11:46 AM

Well, I've had the same experiences on responses, "hold" or "closed for no apparent reason, or similar matches: First, it was all professors or law students, then came the onslaught of teachers and social workers.


They got me for month number two, but I'm calling it quits after that. At first I thought there was something wrong, but apparently most here think the same thing. Misery loves company!

In other news: I'm 6'0, 195#, blonde/blue, 33 yrs old guy. I like cooking, tennis, sex, skiing, cats, reading, drinking in pubs, and all sorts of cool stuff. I work in a microbrewery, have a wicked sense of humor, and follow current events.

I'm probably a real catch, so get me before eHarmony tricks me into another month.

Oh, and LEAH from 7/15....I LOVE cute little redheads. And I like to squish spiders.



Posted by: Christopher at July 19, 2004 05:37 PM

Hey guys,

If you like personality tests, check out the one on (formerly "True Beginnings"). I did it and it was uncannily accurate. The test even sussed out aspects of my personality that I thought were *so* well-hidden! :)

It's far superior to the bogus test on eHarmony, and without the religious spin.

Mary in San Jose

Posted by: mary at July 19, 2004 06:35 PM

Daniela - Huh?

Posted by: Andrea at July 19, 2004 07:17 PM

Uh-oh, Andrea used profanity, LOL ;) ... You better watch out Andrea or me and Nilla will sick the church-lady on ya', hee, hee!

Nilla! OH - MY - GAWD! LOL... Are you kidding me...they actually called you a "sexual troll"?!Unbelievable. Oh, this is getting fun, isn't it? I can see the headlines now..."Stunning Sexual 'Trolls' Drop Kick's Geeky Church-Lady Groupies" LOL Oh, I'm fired up now...who the "heck" do these people think they are?? Geez, Nilla, I hope lots and lots of unsuspecting Match prospects read our posts.

Your experience sounds sooo much like mine! My "Number of Views" also froze! It seems like it was on the same day that I called them and complained about them editing my profile. It froze on 294 (I think that was something like Day 3) and hasn't changed since...and I've continued to get lots of winks/emails.

I've emailed them about it a couple of times and they write back saying they're working on it. AND, I also suspected they were messing with my profile... I had been getting some pretty decent responses and then all of sudden I started getting guys who had pics that looked like mug shots...and worse. I dunno, maybe we're just paranoid, hee, hee ;)

Anyway, it's comforting to know that I wasn't the only sex fiend, LOL ;) But, I think I'd be headin' down to Texas (where they're apparently located) to drop kick me a church lady if I'd gotten the crap you received in that email.

Oh, oh, get this. I heard that all these popular dating sites are owned by ONE COMPANY (including eHarmony...and I don't know if it's true, but a friend told me they are all owned by, I'm thinking the infamous church-lady was just trolling for "naughty ones" to fill up the membership at THEIR naughty site, hee, hee. So, maybe they aren't church-lady after all...maybe they're just low-life, money-grubbing vipers :) Ya' think? Hee, hee.


Posted by: Leah at July 19, 2004 07:52 PM

Hi Christopher, *eyes batting angelically* Um, pay no attention to that raving wild woman in the post above, that's my evil twin, hee, hee ;)

You sound all kinds of yummy to me, Chris, and I'm especially liking that you cook, but alas I have this no-drinking requirement (darn!) ;) I left my "partying" days back in my twenties and I just don't like being around it anymore. Besides, I'm probably a bit above your age requirement...passed the big 4-0.

Oh, but I really like that cute little blush thing you do. Be still my heart... ;)


Posted by: Leah at July 19, 2004 08:15 PM

Well okay they did not say "sex troll" but it was IMPLIED lol this is the exact quote:

Dear nilla2004:

We’re currently unable to publish your profile because of the following criteria:

· Seeking multiple partners
· Seeking discreet heterosexual relationships
· Seeking sex only relationships

And Andrea, I am really starting to think it isn't worth it. I just put up a snarky bitter rant in my profile. LOL I just don't care anymore. I've met one guy that I thought might be a good match for me. However we got stuck somewhere around me trying to describe my level of fatness while he was subversely googling up pics of 20 somethings in string bikinis. Apparently he is unable to committ to meeting for a beer up the street one afternoon until he can accurately assess my level of fatness. I suppose spending half an hour having a beer with me and determining for himself if I a too fat for him is too much of a risk. I finally found a pic that makes me look sufficiently fat. lol. I wouldn't want some poor unsuspecting schmo to end up having a cup of coffee or a beer with someone fatter than he expected. I also changed my physical description to "full figured" from "curvy". I just don't know what else to do to appease these people.

I don't think it matters, I am firmly convinced that match has my profile buried so deeply that no one ever sees it anyway.

Which reminds me, I need batteries.

Posted by: nilla2004 at July 20, 2004 06:35 AM

Nilla2004 - Funny! Maybe we gals should think about purchasing some stock in the Duracell company.... Have you noticed lately that we seem to be losing a bunch of men on our weblog? Come on men, come play with us. We do love you, when all is said and done.

Posted by: Andrea at July 20, 2004 09:49 AM


Well, thought I'd try!



Posted by: Christopher at July 20, 2004 11:56 AM

mmmm Christopher is on the good name list.

"bad names" are any that start with the letter R particularly Richard and Robert.

Anyone else have a good name bad name list? no? okay I'm weird. I blame lack of sex. Can I say sex here?

Posted by: nilla2004 at July 20, 2004 01:04 PM

That's 50 lashes with a wet noodle, Nilla, for saying s - e - x ... I'm doing the church lady dance now :)) (Hey, don't go thinking of anything kinky you can do with a wet noodle, LOL...)

Wow, Nilla, there's something else we have in common...the R thing. If you ever meet a guy named Rodger, run!!!!!!!!!!!! Eeeeoooo, ick, bleck!

Geez, I still can't believe they sent you that email based on the statements you indicated above. I can't imagine what you must have said to them...maybe something like WTF??? LOL

Chris - Thanks for trying ... I think you're a sweetie ;)


Posted by: Leah at July 20, 2004 02:31 PM

Just finished eHarmony test. LOL - It appears I too am one of the 20% that are "unmatchable".

If I weren't so insensitive, I might take it personally......NOT.

Posted by: Rikki at July 22, 2004 12:56 PM

That's wise, Rikki. Apparently, eHarmony thinks me bland enough to accept me as a member, but it actually has found me to be pretty unmatchable. At least, you kept your money!

I'm nearing the end of my six month deal with them (I posted way up this blog as I was preparing to join), and in that amount of time, I have gone on one disappointing date with a very dull man with a bad combover, and got to the open communication state with one other who looked promising, and then refused to respond to my messages when I accidentally stumbled over the fact that he suffers from post-traumatic shock disorder. (I wasn't pressing him for information, in fact I tried to downplay it, but I think he just couldn't handle the fact that he told me.) I closed several that were such horrible mismatches that it was almost laughable, and some closed me for reasons unknown.

All in all, not a stellar performance. Um, if I have forgotten to mention it, eHarmony sucks.

I'm now exploring the site ... wasn't bowled over by their personality profile (some inaccuracies), but it was a whole lot better than eHarmony's. It seems to be a different crop of men there, too, although somebody ought to counsel them on the advisability of changing their filthy undershirts or putting in their teeth before posing for their beefcake pictures. Sigh.

On the other hand, I may just jump on Andrea's bandwagon and forget about the whole thing. My life is pretty good the way it is, I like myself, and I am surprised to find I don't care all that much.


Posted by: anima in Orlando at July 22, 2004 07:28 PM

I've seen claims that the "unmatchable" thing from eHarmony means their personality profile sez you're depressed. That sorta fits, as their test has a number of questions that resemble ones I've seen in depression screening inventories.

Whether this is a reasonable thing to reject people on is questionable, especially as their personality test is so lousy it doesn't really mean anything... whatever, it's their scam, and likely it makes some of them feel better to have some "ethics".

Just be happy you're not getting ripped off.

I agree with Andrea: this matching stuff is shit. From now on, the only women I'm dating are ones I meet and get to know in some other way first.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at July 22, 2004 08:12 PM

I am interested in comments about how you approach the fatness question. I am about twenty pounds above ideal weight. I've had kids and am slightly over 50. On e-harmony, the form question says "excessive overweight" but the answer is something like "I can't stand anyone who is overweight." What does that mean?

Posted by: carmen at July 22, 2004 08:31 PM

Carmen, I've decided to stop even bringing up the fatness question. "hi i'm fat" was not winning me any hot dates... lol. the solution is to take a very acurate full length photo of yourself and include it in your profile. I will NEVER bring it up again.

On the other hand the only decent guy I met on match so far got scared off. I am starting to think I am a sexual troll lol. NO really HE was the one making all the comments and while we were on the subject, I just happened to er mention that I preferred a dominant male.

he basically said. OMG I AM A GREAT BIG PUSSY YOU WILL HATE ME. and left.

this was the biker dude.

the biker dude I really wanted to me.

the biker dude that is like a survivalist and collects WMD.

and I frightened him by saying " I want a dominant guy"

I must have had a really good sex life in a previous existence.

Posted by: nilla2004 at July 23, 2004 05:17 PM

re: the fatness question

20 lbs over is no big deal & not worth worrying about. Most guys don't care about 20 lbs, especially if its proportioned well. I don't care about 20 lbs, and would prefer that as opposed to "too skinny".

I joined e-harmony 4 or 5 months ago. Unfortunately I sort of blew it cause I joined right before I got really busy with work and some other issues....and ended up not responding to the women who messaged me. Now that I looked back in there, I see they cancelled me out and are gone :( But I did got a lot of matches and its not e-harmony's fault that I didn't follow up.

For what its worth, it seems like a pretty good thing to me.

Posted by: bt at July 26, 2004 04:20 PM

To continuing soulmate searchers:

I am profoundly glad to hear that "fatness" is not always an issue---I see so much commentary from men on this site (e-h) implying that they are looking for women, presumably in their age range, who are not carrying even a modest weight gain. I have found more than once, anyway, that someone who did not initially seem physically attractive to me became visually outstanding over time. So this business of first takes on photos is far less important, as far as I am concerned, than other things.

I am nearing the end of this partnership with Dr. Clark and his crew. Though about 40-45 matches were sent my way over a three-month period, I closed most of them because it was clear there was not a good chance of long-term love.(There are miracles, of course, but I don't ride motorcycles, play golf, or do extreme sports. I also am not very religious, so when guys say their favorite book is one about God playing out in our lives, it was probably not meant to be, I figure.) I got closed out also, always a brutal reality. At times, it felt like an on-line chess game.

I have called a match closed within a week, usually, if there is no overture many times), or if I make an overture and there is no response (also many times). There have also been times that we get to third base, or so, and I file the final note. Oddly, several guys do not respond at that point. These are individuals that I close out within three days or so.

I would be interested in your thoughts and comments on how long is too long? Weeks? Hours?
Also, I would love to know if anyone has theories and experiences to share on how one decides who is of interest and who isn't?

Best hopes for us all,

Posted by: CARMEN at July 27, 2004 10:30 AM

Carmen, initially I waited about two weeks before closing unresponsive matches (that's eHarmony's advice)... but after going through about 50 matches who never responded I decided a week was sufficient, as only once did someone reply to me after a week. Given the way eHarmony tries to scam their customers by dragging out this process as long as possible, it's better to close unresponsive matches sooner rather than later.

The biggest problem with waiting too long is that the process then becomes excruciatingly slow. If it takes the other person over a week to reply to each message, you're potentially looking at spending months trying to get to real communication--only to find out they don't like XXX about you and they close it out after 3-4 messages. Since you pay by the month, it's not worth it.

If you follow eHarmony's advice, you get a maximum of 20 matches a month. (That's assuming none of your matches ever respond or close communications; that turned out to be true for over 90% of my matches, so that's probably pretty close to accurate.) By cutting down the initial wait time from two weeks to, say, one week, you double the potential response rate while only eliminating a *very* small group of respondees (those who take over a week to reply).

I agree that if they mysteriously "stop responding" after a while, it's definitely not worth waiting more than 4-5 days. Sure, sometimes "shit happens"--but if they actually cared, they would've put you on hold or whatever. Again, I found waiting longer never actually helped.

(I once spent four months trying to get to know someone through one of the meat-market online dating services... it would take her an average of three weeks to reply to emails. She couldn't understand why I was getting annoyed, and I eventually gave up.)

There's two ways of looking at a potential match: "glass is half-empty" and "glass is half-full". I am a "glass is half-full" person, and only rejected potential matches when it was blatantly obvious it wasn't going to work. I typically ignored photos and concentrated more on whether the "about me" stuff was filled out and reasonably sane. (But at the same time, not having a photo at all is a negative.) However, my gut feeling is that men tend to respond more often than women, so that might change things.

The other big warning sign for me was if she was looking for "chemistry"--unless she was local to me. Online dating, and especially long-distance online dating, is just not the place to be looking for "chemistry" because most of the guys you meet won't have it. To spend weeks getting to know someone only to meet in person and find out they're not interested because "there's no chemistry" is just a waste of time for both of you.

I think the vast majority of the matches I got through eHarmony were really lousy, and I'm not convinced they had *anything* to do with my "personality type" or whatever. They all seemed to fall into certain jobs... first it was nurses, then social workers, then bankers, then... blah. It's an amazing scam, and I'm sure a very profitable one.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at July 27, 2004 12:01 PM

E Harmony: I have not been a member of eHarmony for long, but I found it strange that so many "religious fanatics" were matched with me.
I have been sent quite a few matches.I wait until eHarmony offers a promtion, and then I take the 3 for 1.Their profiles seem to be religous extremeists. I have just started communication with someone, but he does not have a picture posted. I also find it odd that you don't get to edit the age preferences. The guys in their early 40's close the communication immediately. Based on the lame exuses they list, I am too old. I'm 46. I get it.
I will let my membership expire after this term.

Posted by: Deanne at July 27, 2004 12:46 PM

Hi Carmen,

I'll offer my thoughts as best as I can..although understand not an expert on the subject.

How long is too long? Why close anyone at all? Who cares if they don't get back to you. If you've already decided to not take it personally, then why bother worrying about whether they get back to you or not? Anyways, I think when people join for free then they get 10-20 matches and they have to keep closing matches to get more. So that may be part of it & why worry about it anyways? For me, I never close anyone because a) its sort of mean b) its not necessary

I think for us guys, even if we think we look pretty good, its better not to make a picture available to all, because in a strange way its a challenge to a woman to deride you. She knows "everybody has seen the picture" and somehow you're still there:) Let her read about you and wonder what you look like for a bit. Then if you show her the pic later, you can be more of an undisovered gem.

For women probably the same thing applies. If you're beautful, the guy might figure he can't get you in this sort of forum. If not, then they might cancel you right there. LOL, something about sitting at the home computer with all these women being "introduced" can make one feel like a Master of the Universe for a few short minutes.

What else can I say? Only thing is on those "must haves" one of the statements is "partner must fulfil sexual desires" or something. Honestly, if someone DOESN'T have that one checked, then I'm gone. I'm not a perv, but I dont want someone who's frigid, and not having that one checked is a warning sign.

Over and out,


Posted by: bt at July 27, 2004 01:04 PM

Okay, this opens up another tender spot in the search for an on-line honey. Pictures. I hear from those I "communicate" with (beaming up?)that they are gently concerned about seeing a picture. Because my work is fairly high security and my privacy is important, I do not post a picture. In addition, idealistically speaking, I do not want to be part of that array. It is not unreasonable to want to have a general idea of someone's looks, but at age 45-55 are we really so self-delusional that we think we can pick someone out of a photo-op lineup and find complete bliss? Lots of us are folks who were the prom queen or poet king in our 20's. I'm looking for someone my own age, and I don't expect that to be the case at this time, nor is it what I want at all, in any event. I want someone to come home to, discuss bizarre events of the day, and who thinks many things are comic and interesting, as I do. So I don't do pictures at the outset.

Interestingly I was with someone three years after meeting him on the Internet. He confessed later that he was uncomfortable meeting me without a picture. What it said to me is that he had substance and actually wanted some kind of life. Neither of us was disappointed for a long time, though dogs and kids and to marry or not to marry are so often the deal-breakers.

I think the thoughts on this website are so great; they are heartening and comforting and educative. IF I leave Dr. NWC (or NCW?) am I disqualified?

Posted by: Carmen at July 27, 2004 05:39 PM

To those still seeking the muse and a flesh-and- blood soulmate:
I have been on e-harmony for about three months---I am a mother of four kids in their teens and twenties, divorced but friendly for about the past four years, a doctor/attorney, out of a relationship for about six months that I thought would end in a long retirement together, so I am now stepping back up to the plate. My experiences on this website are as follows:

Counting today, I see that I have closed 60 matches. Of all of the men sent my way, I have spoken on the phone with two, the second one being today. In a very easy and funny conversation, this gentleman explained that he has received about 200 matches. There is no way that he could go through them all, or make contact with many of the women "scientifically matched" to him.

He and I made connected at all because he interested me and I contacted him, and that is how we started e-mailing. So, this is one anecdotal story supporting the view that men receive much higher numbers of matches, at least within my age bracket. Conversely it seems that women should not be discouraged when men don't make the initial contact, and, in fact, it's probably good for us to take the initiative if this is a matter of probabilities.

I think risk-taking may well increase chances of meeting someone, if, indeed, this is something that happens.

Best of luck,

Posted by: j. at July 28, 2004 06:02 PM

To those still seeking the muse and a flesh-and- blood soulmate:
I have been on e-harmony for about three months---I am a mother of four kids in their teens and twenties, divorced but friendly for about the past four years, a doctor/attorney, out of a relationship for about six months that I thought would end in a long retirement together, so I am now stepping back up to the plate. My experiences on this website are as follows:

Counting today, I see that I have closed 60 matches. Of all of the men sent my way, I have spoken on the phone with two, the second one being today. In a very easy and funny conversation, this gentleman explained that he has received about 200 matches. There is no way that he could go through them all, or make contact with many of the women "scientifically matched" to him.

He and I made connected at all because he interested me and I contacted him, and that is how we started e-mailing. So, this is one anecdotal story supporting the view that men receive much higher numbers of matches, at least within my age bracket. Conversely it seems that women should not be discouraged when men don't make the initial contact, and, in fact, it's probably good for us to take the initiative if this is a matter of probabilities.

I think risk-taking may well increase chances of meeting someone, if, indeed, this is something that happens.

Best of luck,

Posted by: j. at July 28, 2004 06:02 PM

I think putting up a photo is a must... now hang on a sec. For me it has nothing to do with if if the person is beautiful or the ugliest creature in creation, it's about a lot of other things.

There are two classes of daters: those who care about looks and say so... and those who say they don't but do, at least a little. There are degrees; most everyone has *some* limits. For example, I doubt there are many women clamoring to date somebody who looks like John Worfin. (Or John Bigboute... "But, Lord Worfin... we can still crush the monkey boys here on Earth!")

Photos aren't the first thing I look for... or the second... honestly, appeance isn't terribly important to me. And photos can lie--professional photos, retouching, photos of someone else, whatever.

But the absence of a photo makes me wonder what she's trying to hide. Is she embarassed about her looks? Bad plastic surgery victim a la Jocelyn Wildenstein? Can't be bothered to change her week-old food-stained T-shirt for something clean? Tentacles? "A picture is worth a thousand words" is true, and I think that goes double for someone putting up a personal ad. A photo can convey a message about what a person is like that no amount of prolix prose can.

I'm sure there are legit reasons for someone to not provide a photo--but that's pretty unusual. I'm not saying I'd never consider dating someone without a photo; the lack of one would just make me a lot more leery.

It's true that as you get older, appearance matters less... but the other reasons I gave still apply.

If you end up dating someone, they're going to find out what you look like. Far better to get it over with up front.

Having said all that, I'm quite certain I've been turned down many, many times because of my looks. I've learned not to let it bother me. I'm also certain that not providing a photo is just postponing the inevitable in those cases.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at July 28, 2004 07:44 PM

Regarding pictures - I feel they are too one-dimensional. We are in search of that ever lasting love but isn't it what's inside that is going to sustain that level of relationship? Looks fade, it's character that counts.

After contemplating the EH site, I ran across the Muse - very informative. Opting for more control of my destination I went with Match. In my initial search I ran across a site called cupids coach. Amazing what people will do to find the perfect mate. These guys have a package deals, starting about $995 and, if you need all the help you can get.... well, you can sign up for the ultimate package deal, I believe it was around $5,000. If nothing else, that site will give you a chuckle or two.

I'm taking the approach that jumping into web dating is like riding a tour bus. Pay for the ride, hope to meet some interesting people, maybe visit some nice places and, if I'm lucky, make a connection with someone that will turn into something lasting. Just don't want to go on the bus ride from hell... been there, done that.

Posted by: C at July 29, 2004 12:09 PM

This is a great site. Took me a while to read through all the posts. Although I have a number of comments, I will throw out a thought to KenCal and Chicago Tony:

Yes I think the male to female ratio is higher than 1:1 but not as high as you think. Match allows you to do quick searches. Set the age range and miles from a particular zip code. Then compare the number of profiles found when you select "male lookin for female" vs "female looking for male".

I was at a speedmatching last night and one of the women there was convinced that there were twenty to thirty females per male on match for her age range.

Posted by: Bob at July 31, 2004 08:07 AM

To all the statisticians on our informative weblog: In the final analysis, who gives a rat's patootie about the ratio of men to women on the matching services? All it takes is ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN to connect, and to hell with all the rest. At the end of my brief sojourn with "Ebenezer", the man I met thru Match, I decided to swear off matching services in general, and men, in particular. You all may remember I told you that my pets were looking ever better to me since Ebenezer flew the coop.
Well now I've picked myself up, dusted myself off, and changed my user name and photo on Match.
New user is cutenclassy 102, I haven't paid a sou for it yet, and am wondering where I'm going and why I'm in this handbasket.
Then tonight I get a fan letter (email) from one of you asking about my welfare, as my contributions to this weblog have been on the wane of late. He even (dear lad) founded a fan club for me. I responded in gratitude and told him all contributions in my name would be humbly appreciated. I, in turn, offered autographs to my public. In Newark the number is ......operators are standing by, fossilizing as I speak.
Anyway, my adorable poppits, it done my heart good to know that somewhere out there one of you LIKES ME, REALLY LIKES ME (I even resemble Sally Field, truly - check out my profile picture).
And so I say thank you, one and all, for making me feel welcome in, especially at a time when my self-esteem is a bit tattered from the last sonofabitch who darkened my doorway.
Love to you all -

Posted by: Andrea at August 1, 2004 12:51 AM

Correction,poppits: My user name on Match is cutenclassy101, not 102 - and I ask, does anyone really even give a shit?
Again, love to you all.

Posted by: Andrea at August 1, 2004 12:57 AM

Wow. I thought I had difficulty with E-harmony because there weren't any black men available! I've signed up and canceled e-haromony twice. My best luck has been with I've met 3 wonderful men, two of whom I could've had a long term relationship with had I been over a recent breakup. The 3rd guy was unbelievable. I eventually went to visit him and we had so much in common, from decorating to his library, that it was scary. But...we had the most passionate night of our lives! It was soooo good we named it. We still communicate regularly, although we have no plans to recreate that evening, I've made a wonderful friend. Try and rather than wait for the men to come to you, search them out and contact them!

Posted by: DChoice at August 2, 2004 07:39 AM

Avoid e-harmony. Quite simply, they in no way live up to their claims.
In a city of 10 million people, I was provided with ONE "match."
I'm odd, but not that odd.
The spiritual biases of the company's ethos are particularly disturbing. Avoid this site, unless you enjoy wasting money.

Posted by: Pavael at August 2, 2004 11:31 AM

I just had to post this.

If anyone here was rejected by eHarmony, these stories might explain why:

Nice guy:

- read Lauren's review
- read Tiffany's review about meeting a guy who served jail time.

Now how do you feel?

Posted by: Rosalind at August 3, 2004 04:40 PM

seems at least there is alot to talk about. how bout we all meet for dinner and discuss this ?

Posted by: carl at August 5, 2004 11:16 AM


Your cutenclassy101 profile at is wonderful and your photos are great! You are an attractive woman and should be getting lots of winks and emails. Since you are 60, I wonder if the maximum age of 63 for your match is a tiny bit too low. Also, perhaps you might have more success if you were willing to correspond with men of ethnic groups other than white.

Just trying to be helpful :)

Ms. Lee

Posted by: Lee at August 6, 2004 02:27 AM

Andrea: Nice profile. Have you noticed the counter hasn't been working for weeks? At least I hope that's true because mine hasn't changed for quite a while. I did pretty well with match when I joined, but not so much now.

My match name is lady_jaz. Would love to hear if anyone sees something in this profile that is off-putting.

As to e-Harmony, see previous post and don't get me started...!


Posted by: Carole at August 6, 2004 08:12 AM


Your profile is fabulous! I read nothing that would be offputting to me personally, but ... trying to see it from the prospective of potential mates, I wonder if your headline: "IF YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LAUGH IN HEAVEN, I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE" might be offputting to matches who are looking for a peaceful, harmonious relationship.

Remember, all caps is perceived as shouting, and the statement itself could be perceived as indicative of a hostile or warlike (bitchy?) attitude. Men might view it as starting off on a negative note. All of your narratives seemed warm, lovable and inviting, and you are flashing a beautiful, warm smile, but I wonder if the headline is just hostile enough to cause potential matches to move on without bothering to read the rest of your profile.

I wrote this intending to be constructive and helpful; hope it does not offend you.


Posted by: Lee at August 6, 2004 04:54 PM

I didn't realize these were sent to our e-mail addresses so answered Lee direct. I'm absolutely not offended and think this is great feedback. I changed my on-line name, time to change the tag.

Posted by: Carole at August 6, 2004 07:05 PM

Sorry, I made a mistake. My bad! I had posted this message someplace else and realized I had only copied and pasted part of it on this blog. So here it is again, edited for this site:

I just had to post this:

Ever wonder why you were rejected by eharmony? Maybe it's because you're too much of a real human being and not enough of a sociopath who's skilled at looking good on paper and choosing the answers eharmony wants in their questionnaires. In other words, eharmony seems to reject nice guys and accept psychos!

Don't believe me? Read these stories:

Nice guy:

- read Lauren's review
- read Tiffany's review about meeting a guy who served jail time.

Now how do you feel?

- tried online/speed dating and decided it wasn't for me
- planning my escape before dating service reps show up at my front door and force me to shave my head and wear striped clothing with a brightly colored triangle

Posted by: Rosalind at August 6, 2004 07:40 PM

Ms. Lee - thank you for your comments - they are appreciated. The comment about my age requirement is valid; however, it is my personal preference to date men my age or younger,as I feel I not only look years younger than by actual age (and am told so by just about everyone), but have a youthful spirit and outlook. Most of the men I've met in the later 60's are simply too old for me in more ways than I can enumerate here. Besides, ya get 'em young, ya can train 'em! (This last was said in jest --- mostly.)

As to your second point - both my husbands were Asian (Japanese and Thai). This time I'd like more cultural similarity. For a while there, I seemed to be marrying my way around the world. Maybe I should try Europe next?? Just a thought.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to peruse my profile and give me your take on it.

Carole - Yes, I have noticed the counter is not working on Match. Mine has been stuck in the same place since Jesus was in knee pants. But so what?? I've just about given up on the whole mishegas, anyway. I still have a very bad taste in my mouth from the aforementioned "Ebenezer."


Posted by: Andrea at August 7, 2004 06:29 PM

I always thought eHarmony was unfair to Virginians, who have their law set up so that a divorce is proceded by a legal separation period of 1+ years. During this time you are single in every respect except the part about not being able to marry right away, which doesn't seem to be a problem for eHarmony members given the low risk of needing to be able to marry. Meanwhile, people in Nevada can get divorced overnight and still be emotionally entangled with their previous relationship, but be able to sign up for eHarmony simply because their legal status is divorced, not merely separated.

Posted by: Matthew Martin at August 13, 2004 10:35 AM

I was reading through these comments and saw one praising Just for yucks I set up a profile there with an accurate description and picture. I am 53, slightly balding and not in too bad shape.

Anyways, in the last three weeks I have received seven or eight emails or kisses from staggeringly beautiful women in their late twenties or early thirties. Naturally, I cannot read these emails or contact any of them until I pay the membership fee. Let's have a show of hands, should I join this service!

Posted by: Bob at August 13, 2004 12:20 PM

New one from I wrote to someone the other day. When he answered me, my e-mail to him through match was at the bottom of the message. In the address was my match name in the 'from" area and his REAL name in the "to". I wrote to them asking what this was all about. Where's the anonymity? The wrote back that I could block anyone who was abusive. Sheesh.

Bob, I'd say try it for one month. But I'd also say don't discount women your own age. They can be pretty dynamic. Just check out Andrea's profile!

Posted by: Carole at August 14, 2004 03:56 PM

Hi Everyone,

My experience at Eharmony has been wonderful. I am at a loss as to the comments I've heard about eharmony. First I am 40 yrs old (look much younger) and have been matched with men as young as 35. Can you believe it? Most of my matches have been dead on meaning, exactly what I've been looking for. I have never initiated communication with anyone and don't intend to. I figure that if the guy is interested he'll initiate. So far so good. I am in open communication with this one guy who seems great, and I can't wait to go further. One more thing, I was a non paying member for 31/2 months and recieved a ton of matches, but no one initiated contact. Well I held fast to my belief about not initiating and finally in July, I recieved an email regarding communication. IT was at that point that I decided to join, and BELIEVE ME, I have no regrets. Sorry guys, but my experience has been great!

Posted by: delovey at August 15, 2004 08:07 AM

Carole - Thanks for the kind words. My profile is gathering dust on Match, but that's ok. I'm not inclined to meet anyone new yet. In the interim, I found religion - online poker! Have become an addict. It's free too! So me and my pogo tokens are riding off into the sunset on a beautiful white stallion, with my pets secured to the saddle. Hey, it works for me right now, this escapism. Love to you all.


Posted by: Andrea at August 15, 2004 11:28 AM

Carole, thanks for your response. Actually, I seriously doubt if any of the responses from women half my age on are for real. I think they just want me to spend money for their service.

Posted by: Bob at August 15, 2004 02:01 PM

DeLovely: How many 60 year olds have you been matched with on eHarmony? The problem with this service is that you are matched with men 5 years younger to 20 years older. That means, men are matched with women 20 years younger to 5 years older. You may find 60 year olds fine for you, but I'm not up for an 80 year old, thank you.

Andrea, with i knew how to play poker. Do they have lessons on-line?

My big concern about match, these days, is that lack of anonymity I mentioned above. I keep getting canned responses about how they respect my privacy. yeah, right. I decided to try to not gather dust anymore. I am now 58, not 62. Yes, I've gone over to the dark lying side. All's fair, I say.

Posted by: Carole at August 15, 2004 04:17 PM

Looks like I got quoted in an article about eharmony. It mentioned this weblog entry and discussion.

Posted by: tunesmith at August 16, 2004 01:35 PM

I just found this site and scrolled through from the first comment to the last. While I haven't read every word, I get the gist. I'm 52 look about 38 and have had an unsuccessful time on eharmony. I've been with them since March. At first there were no matches, then a few, and now, in the last few weeks, several more. But they go nowhere. I feel as though I haven't been heard. It seems as if they are matching me with vegetarian yoga nuts or woodsy, log chopping types. I'm a native New Yorker and need someone in my neck of the woods. There seems to be something inherently wrong with their matches, or wrong with who they think I am. I just don't know. I'll continue to give it a shot, but I don't know if I'll renew.

As for, I've had varying experiences. I did meet someone, a man who contacted me first with a witty email. It went way too fast, and I didn't listen to my gut. I wound up falling in love, hard, with this man who is a serial'er. He hits on multiple women at a time and plays complicated games with all of us. He has a golden pen and a tremendous verbal ability and claims to love when he has no clue as to what love is. I wonder how many more men are like him out there; hopefully not many. It was an extraordinary experience. I learned to listen to that all knowing inner voice of mine. If I had listened, I wouldn't have fallen so hard and wound up so hurt. Too bad I can't post his name to warn other women.

But I'm not going to let this unpleasant episode sour me on I choose to believe that guy is an anomaly, that he is not representative of most men. I've winked and been winked at and I'm exchanging emails. But I've not actually hooked up with any one other than the serial'er.

We'll see how it goes. I'm learned not to take any of this stuff too seriously.

Posted by: maggers2240 at August 16, 2004 08:31 PM

There is a good article online for women concerning how to come through successfully with online dating-

Check it out, it's also an excerpt from Rachel Greenwald's book, "Find a Husband After 35"

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at August 17, 2004 05:18 PM

Carole -I'm sure you can pull up poker instructions somewhere online - if not, buy a cheap book that tells you; it's really very simple and loads of fun to help one keep one's mind occupied (i.e., away from ex-boyfriend/homocide thoughts.)

tunesmith - so are we famous, baby??? I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Demille.

Maggers2240 - I found a lulu on We dated for 2 months, then when I thought things were going so well(silly, silly me) he told me it wouldn't work out for him because I didn't have the kind of income, savings or nest egg to help contribute to his retirement dreams. All this, and he was leaving my house (on a Saturday afternoon) to go to a date with his new sucker de jour. He knew my financial situation from the get-go too. I told him to make sure to tell her to bring along her financial portfolio for him to peruse over dinner. There are no words to describe the way I felt when he left my house that afternoon, after 2 months of exclusive dating with someone I thought was a true friend, companion and sweetheart. We were so hitting it off too, in so very many ways.

So when I talk about my pets being my real buds, you all now know what I mean. I sometimes wish I were a lesbian, but alas, I'm not.


Posted by: andrea at August 18, 2004 12:15 AM

Hi Carole,
Sorry I took so long to respond. I haven't been matched with anyone who is 60 yrs old. The oldest person was 52, and that was a bit old for me I'm only 40. The youngest was 35 and I was also matched with a 38 yr old. So far, it's been 40-43 yr olds. I don't know why, but that has been my experience. I'm not here to defend eharmony, but so far, I haven't had a bad experience. Actually, I just closed out someone today and yes, I did give a reason, ( I was not a coward, I did not choose "other") So, forgive me, but so far I'm happy with most of the matches I received, even if I didn't initiate communication, and I am in communication with someone that is going well. Sorry you had a bad experience. Maybe my experience is a fluke, but nonetheless it is true. Wish me luck...

Posted by: Delovely at August 18, 2004 07:00 AM

The article to which Edie referrs is apparently number 12965:

Posted by: Bob at August 18, 2004 07:50 AM

I'm a 30yr-old guy who posted a profile on about a month and a half-ago. I've seen complaints here of a low response rate. Well, how about a NO response rate. I mean I'm not knockout handsome but I'm not ugly either. I've got college credits and everything! I'll even eat vegetables! I guess the local ladies, if there are any, are afraid of this new-fangled whiz-bang technology that's about the only way for me to meet someone, as I don't go to bars and am thus not a good conversation stiker-upper.

Oh wait, now I remember, my profile picture has me wearing my glasses. Well, I apologize for my astigmatism. Perhaps I should spend money I don't have on lasik surgery and then post another picture.

No, I'm just not doing everything I can. Yes, maybe I should "try a little harder". But jeezy-peezy it shouldn't be this difficult to get a date.

If fate is playing a joke on me, it isn't funny anymore. Anyone else having this problem?

Posted by: Doug at August 18, 2004 09:52 AM

A friend of mine just showed me a news article concerning a personal ad which I just have to share:

"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in a pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cold winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at your front door when you get home from work wearing only what nayure gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

This ad was in the Atlanta Journal and the response was overwhelming. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old black labrador retriever. Men are so easy."

Posted by: Bob at August 18, 2004 12:56 PM

Hated e-harmony, never got anywhere, and it took me so long to fill out the ap, I needed a nap! The process is very un like what you find elsewhere, and you have no control over the browsing options, nothing...waste of time and $$$!!!

Posted by: Arlene at August 18, 2004 02:12 PM

I'm 5'3". Not bad looking (IMHO!) -- I've had pretty good-looking girlfriends before, so I don't think it's me. Likewise, I've known a lot of other guys of similar height who are dating or married.

I'm looking for an Asian girl. Your average Asian girl is somewhere around my height. But on, they are ALL (like 90 to 95 percent) looking for a guy who's MUCH taller than them. You see these 5'1 or 5'2 girls looking for guys who are 5'10, 6 feet, or even taller.

So, OK. They have their preferences. We all do. But how is this different from if I were to specify in my profile, "You should wear a C-cup or larger bra" or "You should be 36-24-36"? You can imagine the howls of protest I'd get for being "shallow" and "only caring about looks." I think it's rather telling that these girls are sitting around on personal-ad services, wondering where all the guys are, when the preferences they specify exclude a HUGE number of guys that (from looking around in everyday life) are quite attractive to women.

Alright, that's the first thing. Secondly, let's talk location. Anyone else run into the girls who live in the Philippines (not to name any specific countries...) but who lie and write that they're in America so that they'll show up on more people's searches? Who is desperate enough to write to a girl whose VERY FIRST thing that she said to them is a lie?

Then there are the girls who are separated and say they're divorced. There's a world of difference there, like it or not. If you are separated, you are still married. Discovering I was on a date with someone's wife was NOT the high point of that particular day. She had a big story about how they were about to divorce, and blah blah blah. For all I know it may have been true, not that this even matters when they were still married -- but then, if she's just looking for an affair, what's she going to say? "Yeah, I have a great husband but I want to cheat on him"?

Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah! Girls who write something like "I'm just looking for a nice guy" while thinking "...a nice guy from my exact ethnic group, who's at least 6 feet tall [see above], Financially Secure [see below], and drives a Maserati." Oops! Hey, if that's what you really require, at least be honest and write it.

Financially Secure, let's talk about that for a moment. Seeing girls talk about money in their profile gets them an automatic blacklist. If you mean you don't want an unemployed man on welfare, then say that. When I see a girl specify Financially Secure, I think of the buy-me-show-me-take-me syndrome. Furthermore, it's a meaningless thing to say -- one guy may make $30,000 a year and consider it a king's ransom, whereas another may make $100,000 a year and believe he's barely getting by.

Any guys here sick of girls who write about what a traditional, old-school guy they want, then turning out to be nymphomaniacs? That was pretty classic. I am waiting for marriage; I make no secret of this! My friends and I still get a kick out of the one who tried to explain how "do you want to turn out the lights?" was really supposed to mean something else, after I said NO, and after I had already told her I was waiting for marriage! That was on the first date btw.

So is it just me? Am I some kind of loser magnet? GrrrrR!

Posted by: chevy_78 at August 19, 2004 06:56 AM

Delovely: I absolutely do wish you luck and am glad eHarmony is working for you. I know that at 62 (well, now 58 on match), after spending all that time on the profile, I got four whole matches in the entire country. Three were in the Puget Sound area (where I live) and the other was in Idaho and he closed me out immediately. I just thought it was amazing that the fact that these men were all in the Pacific Northwest. There is no one in Florida I'd match? The two 50-something guys didn't respond, the 82 year old expressed interest. For a week there was nothing - until i quit, then lo and behold both the 50-somethings were interested. Maybe I'm cynical, but I ask you, does this not sound contrived?

But yes, I do wish you luck. Keep us all posted.


Posted by: Carole at August 19, 2004 08:30 PM

I canceled out my eHarmony membership a few days before expiration to avoid the "unwanted renewal" problem, and haven't heard another thing from them. That's OK. It was a waste of money; worse, it was a waste of hope.

I've given it some thought, and I believe that the problem with online dating sites is that people think they can "order up" the perfect mate and have that person delivered, kind of like eBay, but with human beings. In fact, one of the eHarmony commercials I've seen says almost exactly that.

The problem, as we all should know, is that the most compatible, loving match doesn't always come in the package we would at first choose. Well, how many of us consider OURSELVES to be the perfect package? The internet thing fosters unreal expectations, plays to our fantasies, and leaves a lot of people disappointed.

One other thing ... the people who seem to have the better success at the online dating thing are younger. I speculate that the reason for that is we simply ARE a better package when we're younger!

Online dating hasn't worked for me. It's an embarrassing sort of virtual meat market at which I've determined I cannot succeed, or at least, I don't have the patience to continue trying. At 51, I feel like a throwaway sometimes, virtually invisible to the male of the species. Oddly enough, though, I don't get all bent out of shape about that except once in a while. Maybe nature's compensating for the decline in our youthful beauty by an increase in emotional strength. Don't want to get too philosophical here, but I am gracefully exiting the online dating arena with nary a look back!

Good luck to all of you, whatever your age or experience with it. We all really want the same thing, to not be alone, so I hope you don't have to be if you don't want to!

anima in orlando

Posted by: anima at August 20, 2004 05:52 AM

"...Order up the perfect mate..." Hmmm, sounds like an eHarmony commercial.

Posted by: Carole at August 20, 2004 06:34 PM

I have enjoyed (and at times fell out laughing) at the various comments listed here. Such great sense of humors!

I joined eHarmony about a month-and-a-half ago and noted the following.

1. If you are 100% honest in your personality profile you will receive an honest assessment (people don't realise that they truly are being deceitful when filling out those profiles. I was honest even when tempted to skew the truth)

2. Assuming that you were honest, you need to fill out your "about me" information and again you need to be honest and forthright. Deception won't help in the long run because people see through deception and they will simply reject you by closing you out.

3. I don't care about race---I'm attracted to all types of men, so I was lenient in the section which asked me to choose all the various races of men I'd be willing to accept matches from.

4. 99% of the matches I've received have fit my personality to a TEE. It's almost eerie how perfectly the fit is. The reason is because both parties were honest from the beginning.

5. This is a site for people who are professionals who can afford the fee without complaining. Very few unbelievers (athiests, agnostics, etc.) sign up for eHarmony because its founder is Christian; therefore, I don't advise non-Christians to use the service. The pool of available dates is too limited.

6. To date I have been matched with close to 40 men of a variety of backgrounds and cultures, all educated and the majority were real members. Of the 40+ men, there were four in particular that got my attention and one that caused my spine to tingle because I liked everything about him!

If you are serious, pay for a minimum of 3 months and preferably 6 - 12 months. Determine in your own mind that you are going to be one of the blessed ones who will meet your spouse there. To be honest, if you are patient and determined not to give up, YOU will meet him/her there but it's your call.

Whining and sulking won't help. Those are signs of immaturity and someone who is not really serious. Fussing about the cost won't help. In fact, I am HAPPY that it's expensive because that helps get rid of the RIFF-RAFF and SCRUBS that I don't want to deal with and increases the professional matches.

I am very happy and hopeful with this one man in particular and believe it will work out. But if not, no problem. I'll stay in there until I come out a winner. In fact, patience and a determination not to quit are what separates winners from losers in life.


Posted by: Reah at August 21, 2004 07:17 AM

Personally, I've been skeptical of computer personality tests ever since one of them said I was a neat freak -- on a computer buried under the clutter on my desk!

Posted by: chevy_78 at August 22, 2004 04:42 PM

For all you atheists and non-believers out there - EHarmoney doesn't only reject you guys. I'm a born-again Christian who also got one of those stupid Eharmony rejections - apparently they reject 20 percent (that's 1 out of 5) applicants. And yes, they advertise heavily in Christian publications *and* on

Posted by: harpist at August 22, 2004 05:42 PM

I'm wondering if any of these dating sites have any merit beyond a few choice "success" matches. EH appears to have less of a meat-market mentality than Match, but they seem to have control issues. Anyone out there ever gone the direction of Perfect Match? Believe it or not, in their ad they "guarantee" you'll find your match. Yup, a guarantee. Wonder if there's a warantee available too...

Posted by: Kristi at August 24, 2004 11:28 AM

Hi Guys - Newsflash: This just in -

There's a world of single people - interesting, fun people - out there, and you can meet them for FREE. Just brush up your poker skills and get online with Pogo, or any of the other free games offered online. I've met horse trainers, animal breeders, doctors, lawyers and Indian chiefs - you name it. They even have profiles of the players available for you to peruse while you're playing. Give it a shot. It sure as hell beats the meatmarket dating services.

Love from table 26, Desert Palace.


Posted by: Andrea at August 25, 2004 07:42 PM

A warning to users...

I just started into the e-dating world with a membership on They have this anonymous system where emails are routed through their system so you don't see the sender's real email address (understandable for privacy). Well, yesterday my online email monitor indicated that another member had sent me, but no such email actually showed up in my actual email inbox (yes, I checked my spam blockers etc). Furthermore, since the person had an unlisted profile, I was not able to respond to them directly through their listing.

When I contacted the tech support, they told me there was not much they could do about it (they don't keep records of the email) and - GET THIS - they REFUSE to notify the other person that their email had not gone through despite the fact that they checked their records and acknowledged that the person had tried to send me an email. Mind you... I am not asking for the persons email address or even to have them forward on a message from me. I am just asking that their tech support notify the other member that their message was not received and if they still want to communicate, to try again. But they still REFUSE to do that.

So I now have NO WAY to contact the person who tried to send me an email and they have no way of knowing that I did not receive it (they probably think I am blowing them off). And who we are both paying to meet other people IS ACTIVELY PREVENTING TWO OF ITS PAYING MEMBERS from doing so!!! It has been a very frustrating first experience and makes me wonder how many other messages get 'lost' without the members ever knowing.

Anybody else had any similar problems with Match or other system that use special email routing?

Posted by: Eric at August 25, 2004 09:45 PM

Kristi: I tried Very much the same feel as eHarmony. Only with them, I got two matches in the entire 50 states. (Had a whopping four from eH.) No photos, same questionnaire type communications. It's almost identical in the look and feel. The only difference? I was with eHarmony for less than 7 days so i got a complete refund. I was with perfectmatch for less than 24 hours and they took my $49.95.

Posted by: Carole at August 26, 2004 12:09 AM


Yes, I had the same thing happen once. The only advice could provide was to make sure I had turned off my spam blocker. I didn't even have a spam blocker, and I never could retrieve the lost email either.

anima in Orlando

Posted by: anima at August 26, 2004 04:10 AM


Your email was funny. You were on eHarmony for less than 7 days and on Perfectmatch for less than 24 hours. In spite of this brief time span, you feel that they failed you? Give me a break!

Posted by: Lita at August 26, 2004 05:16 AM

Well, gee, Lita. I don't think I ever said I thought they failed me. But first time out, I'd expect a few more matches than they provided. This is the entire country we're talking about. Plus, I thought it was suspicious that those matches happened to be in my back yard. But basically, I didn't like the way the sites were run. I'd rather write to someone than send all those questionnaires. And I don't want to have them include men 20 years older than me. And with eHarmony, you cannot change that upper range except to raise it. It's just a matter of preferences. My point was at least eHarmony gave me my refund. Perfect match took my money and ran.

Posted by: Carole at August 26, 2004 08:53 AM

I would rather eat a steak and watch a DVD. At least then I can look at good looking men. These eHARM men need a vat of testosterone dumped on their heads. If they would stop maniacally exercising and cold showering for a day or two, their dipping sex drive might return, and their female "matches" wouldn't look so repellent to them. Another worm in a Godforsaken hick town just closed on me after viewing my photos. This is getting utterly predictable and boring. They act all suck-uppy until they see my pix. Some of these men are probably shills for eHARM, married men or such, as I notice it never goes very far. Haven't made even one friend from eH. What I've observed is their membership base doesn't know how to befriend a woman, total lack of empathy, looking for robots and cartoons with no discernible human feelings. Can pretty much predict who will fail in the love department, because they reject every good thing that comes their way. If you tasteless men are looking for skinny airheads-bimbettes, try a dance club. That's where the skinny airhead-bimbettes go. And stop harrassing and wasting the time of decent, loving women. We're too good for you. I guess some other lucky non-eHARM man will be getting the back-leg rubs & hot home cooked meals. Tough luck eH losers. Ever get the feeling that Dr. Warren is sighing these days and thinking "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." ?? I'm 45, weigh more than 150 lbs. and less than 190 lbs., but part of that is muscle, people tell me I look very young for my age, have been told various times by men that I'm cute, bright, or sexy. If I weighed 3000 lbs. I would give these weenies the slip. Will be cancelling the credit card used to join eH after my membership joyously expires, so eH can't rebill me. We dserve better than this, ladies.

Posted by: Jenny at August 26, 2004 11:53 PM

Carole and Jenny's letters are a perfect example of the fact that eHarmony is NOT the problem. These bitter and/or unrealistic individuals are the problem.

In Carole's case, she refused to give the two dating services a minimum of 30 days that they requred and in spite of her brief time, she actually expected to meet a match that quickly?

Jenny's letter was that of someone who apparently has low self esteem about her weight. Instead of blaming eHarmony, she should go on a diet plan to change her eating habits and exercise habits and get the weight off.

People, I was on eHarmony for almost 6 months. During that time I got matches from well over 100 women. Clearly I could NOT choose all those women! I guarantee you that some of those women that I closed out are now blaming eHarmony when it is NOT eHarmony's fault. The problem is that I was only looking for ONE woman and although there was nothing wrong with the other women, I could not choose all of them.

In my 4th month on eHarmony I met the love of my life and started seeing her. I will ask her to marry me soon and have close my eHarmony account.

In closing, people---please stop blaming eHarmony for the actions of the people on eHarmony. eHarmony is not a magic maker. They cannot make a man or woman desire or want you. Close outs should not be taken personally. REMEMBER, normal men are only looking for ONE mate so they MUST close the others out. Normal women are only looking for one man so they MUST close the other guys out. Get it? Good!

Posted by: Mike at August 27, 2004 04:18 AM

Mike, you make some good points. You are right. The majority why sign up for eHarmony are paying the high fee because they are serious professionals who are in search of one true love.

Because they only want one, they have no choice but to filter out the others. I have closed out many TERRIFIC men. There was NOTHING wrong with those men but I was concentrated on someone else.

There is no easy way to close a match. I always checked off that I am closing them either because of distance (too far away), or "other". It always bothered me to close out men because I did not want them to think that I had bad feelings about them. I did NOT. But it would be selfish of me to continue leading someone on if I don't have an interest. My interest was elsewhere.

Close outs sting. I've been closed. It got easier after the first one because you learn that it is NOT about you. It is most likely not about your appearance. If I get 50 matches and only want one man, I filter out great men but that's how life goes.

Posted by: Candy at August 27, 2004 05:25 AM

(SIGH) There's always online poker......


Posted by: Andrea at August 27, 2004 10:18 AM

Mike, you're being a jerk. You don't need to criticize people in order to disagree with them. Most of the activity on this weblog entry have been people either commiserating about the difficulty of using these services, which is completely appropriate, or complaining about eharmony's practice of indicating that an unpaid member is willing and able to continue making contact when they're not. Most people aren't even going to find this entry if they're not stressed out about the system. Calling them bitter, unrealistic, or with low self-esteems does nothing except create bad feelings. It's unnecessary and disrespectful.

Posted by: tunesmith at August 27, 2004 10:26 AM


The two women I referred to are, in my view, unrealistic and bitter. If I'm a jerk for mentioning the obvious, then I just have to be a jerk.

Posted by: Mike at August 27, 2004 02:20 PM

Mike: I find it interesting that it is so "obvious" to you that I'm "bitter" when you know nothing about me.) I've been on for quite a few years and have met some really nice men. I just don't care for the way both eHarmony and Perfect Match are set up. I'd rather write to someone directly. And with match, I had more to choose from right from the get-go. If you would read my post again, you'll find my biggest problem with eHarmony was the age thing. I really am not interested in 80-year-old men, but eHarmony would not let me lower that top number. All these services give you opportunities, but in a different way. Is it OK with you if I just stay with the ones I like? And for those of you who have had all this wonderful luck on eHarmony - good for you. I'm delighted it's working for you.

(sigh, too) Hey Andrea, do they teach you how to play poker???

Posted by: Carole at August 27, 2004 11:04 PM

For me, YAHOO Personals is awesome. Met my man on the first day online!

I highly recommend it. You control your own matches and they have extensive choices in terms of the type of men (or women) you can have sent to you by them.

They allow you to match for the same things as eHarmony such as ethnicity, drinking habits, children, smoking, etc. They are able to send you more matches because they are not looking for a personality profile---rather they are looking for what you checked off. Give it a try. I highly recommend it.

Posted by: Zenia at August 28, 2004 04:18 PM

I think the consensus, both here and on edatereview, is that the eH men are very picky about looks. So forget the 29 dimensions, the eyes have it. I have a lot of experience dating and different ways to meet the opposite sex, and feel eH men are more picky about looks than the general male populace. Because of this, I've decided to change my photo settings, so that my pix are available for inspection from the git-go. That will proclude unnecessary communication. Just looked at my 4 pix on the site again to review what the problem could be. I'm cute! I even have the little smile guppies under my eyes like the Olsen twins do. And Mike, thanks for reminding me. Tonight I WILL have a baked potato drenched in butter, sour cream, and chives with my prime rib, horseradish, creamed spinach, and a pitcher of homemade ice cold lemonade. By the way, Mike, when I was slender the guys just wanted to boink me. But I did ride my stationary bike for 62 miles yesterday, my legs look firmer. And TuneSmith, thanks for coming to my and Carole's defense; you are very gallant, and that is a rare trait these days.

Posted by: Jenny at August 31, 2004 10:03 PM

In all fairness to Mike, I probably do have low self-esteem, but can't say that repeated rejection exactly elevates it. However, I have a large and healthy ego. Bitter? No, actually a full stomach. Only unnecessary hunger makes me bitter. A tip to guys: Unless you are RICH and HANDSOME, you can't expect to get the top 20%. End of story. About older guys, I dig them a lot. And I notice the gents in their 50's are less likely to close on me after viewing my photos. After all, I'm 45, and wouldn't expect a babe of 41 to be all that excited about someone my age.

Posted by: Jenny at August 31, 2004 10:19 PM

I have read most of the posts - way too many to do it all! But I get the gist and I, too, was thinking of using eHarmony because - get this! I have a friend who connected to his (now) wife through eH and I have to say they do match. It is one of those romantic stories that I just don't believe in - except this one really happened! However, they are both very evangelical, charismatic Christians - do you suppose that has anything to do with it? Maybe those of us with "different" Christian ideas don't fare as well?

Anyway, thanks for the multiple laughs - and experiences. I think I will just stick to looking where I'm planted, but at 65, there's not much to look at that I want to bother with.

Posted by: grace at August 31, 2004 11:12 PM

Eharmony is not really a bad thing. I've met one person from this site and he was a really nice person. It wasn't a love connection. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I am a black Christian woman and I have not been matched with only men of my ethnic background. It may have taken someone a certain amount of time to find that special someone and it may have taken someone else more time. Patience is a virtue and you can't hurry love. We also have to remember that not everyone is honest. Being a Christian does not mean that a person is perfect. People tend to forget this all too important detail. Also, not everyone who says that they are a Christian really is a Christian. In order to truly get to know someone, you have to spend time with that person. After spending time with a person, only then can you truly know if they are honest and really what you're looking for. Eharmony offers a place where people can correspond and possibly get to know each other. A lot of people have extremely high expectations and when they are not met they want to condemn. Maybe they haven't met anyone on Eharmony or off because of that very reason. Dating can be frustrating in any arena. I certainly don't hold the founders of Eharmony personally responsible for finding my soulmate. I just hope that maybe I'll find that special someone on this site. If it doesn't happen here, then so be it. I won't complain or even give up. I truly believe that there is a special someone for everyone.
For those of you who are atheists and or of a nontraditional sexual orientation, there are dating services geared especially towards you. A dating service that is founded by Christians and has a membership made mostly of Christians is not a service for you. Being rejected by Eharmony was probably the best thing for you because I honestly don't know any Christian person who would want a relationship with a person who believed in those sort of ideas or vice versa. Come on people, get real. Why are people so quick to mention class action lawsuits and the like. Really what you're proposing would be like me, a Christian woman, joining a gay or atheist dating service expecting to find my God fearing, Jesus loving soul mate.

Posted by: at September 1, 2004 09:49 AM

Please keep comments courteous and clean. Disagreeing with each other and posting differing viewpoints is fine, but insulting each other and calling each other names is not. Similar policy to many other weblogs - offenders will probably have comments deleted, repeat offenders will probably be banned.

Posted by: tunesmith at September 1, 2004 11:24 AM

Just spent an hour reading this thread and thought I'd add my $.02 worth. I searched on 'eHarmony sucks' because they wouldn't let me adjust my age preferences. I'm 27, and they insist that I get matches from 21-29. I like older women... I'm willing to go 5 years younger... but that's it. But they tell me 'you can always close the match.' Why can't they just respect our ability to choose our own age group?

I've had the same suspicious patterns with matches; in my case, a large number of EMTs and people working with disabled children. Also a large flood of matches after paying and then a trickle past the first month. (I'm in my 5th month.) Here's another complaint - After quiet for a week, I tried their 'find me a match' feature and it spit out 4 names instantly. Shouldn't it have matched me up with them without prompting?

My results so far- 60 matches, less then 20 responses, 5 open communications, 2 phone calls, zero dates. If this actually worked, and they matched me with Ms. Right, the money would be well worth it - but I'm not holding my breath... I can't recommend eHarmony.

This last week I've been flipping around another site someone told me about - - totally, 100% free... haven't tried to contact anyone there yet, but the price is right! You answer questions, as many as you want, from 10 to 1000, to determine your matches.

Just thought I'd throw my info out there... looking for a woman living in New Hampshire or willing to move there as part of the Free State Project ( ), I'm SWM, 6'1", living in the Manchester area. Email me if you're interested.

Posted by: Joel at September 2, 2004 04:35 PM

I've used Match for over a year, with mixed results. The Chat feature NEVER works well, because the Match system incorrectly reports people are "online" when they are not.

Another flaw - the geograpic distance of your search. When I tell Match to find women in a 15 mile radius, it ALWAYS goes beyond that range. I don't like that.

Also, when I send email to a girl in Philly, Match shows me a list of "other compatibe singles" who are always in Virginia. And it's ALWAYS Virginia. Why is Match pushing Virginia on me so hard? Probably because they have so FEW members in that area. But that is NOT a legitimate reason to show me their profiles when I live in Delaware.

I absolutely use a nice, short and sweet "form letter" for the women. I browse the profiles and add the interesting ones to my "favorites" list. After I accumulate about 8 - 12 profiles in the list, I send a batch of letters to all of them. It would be lunacy to write individual letters - because Match IS a numbers game - and most people don't even respond.

I NEVER get emails from the women. Ever. I have always initiated the contact, and only get responses on occasion. It's hit or miss. (or is that, Hit or Ms.?)

The fun thing about Match is that I HAVE met more women this way, gone out on more dates - and yes - enjoyed more sex. However, I still have not established any kind of long-term relationship with any of the women I've met.

I've met some real weirdos on Match too - there is no shortage of psycho babes out there - but that's not the fault of Match - that's just life.

I think I will continue to use Match, but also be on the lookout for nice girls in "real life" too. A number of reviewers on this site have suggested turning off the computer, getting out there and meeting women in the real world, and I agree with that too.

Posted by: Chris at September 6, 2004 12:30 PM

I've read this blog for months - reached it by typing in "eHarmony sucks" on google. Carole and Andrea, your comments are oh so true and terrifically funny. I just wanted to say that I have this very creepy feeling that eHarmony has paid people to post on sites like this and others . . . have noticed that when somebody hits upon a particular truth or fault of eHarmony, fairly quickly somebody posts about how they are doing their job very well and the fault must be with the user, not the company itself. Or maybe it's an affiliate who earns commissions on eHarmony subscriptions. At any rate, my experiences with eHarmony have been: many matches are not paid subscribers or have left the system - I'm being used as bait for them to resubscribe or initially subscribe; the whole age-control thing has less to do with my needs than a way for eHarmony to provide more matches and meet their guarantee; my sister left, then took the test again and created a new profile a few months later - was told no matches for her in the system . . . then she was matched with men she received as matches almost a year ago, about four a week, for weeks. Isn't this just lying and manipulation - saying that there are no available matches and then doling out people who've been in the system for months in little bits?

Okay, now I'll wait for somebody to attack my personal character and talk about how they met the man of their dreams on eHarmony but it did take a full year, and the only real problem with eHarmony is that people like me belong to it. Sigh.

Posted by: Rose at September 10, 2004 01:06 PM

Well, here's another two bits for the crowd. I've recently been trying to find someone to meet after being cast adrift at 32. I work in a company where most of the women around me are either married, or at least 10-20 years older than myself.

I haven't tried eHar-money, but I have checked out personals ads at my local alternative rag (The Stranger),, and a couple other online matchmakers. To tell the truth, online dating has so far been a complete waste of time. The problem was pretty clearly defined on one site where you could actually see the demographics. There were 300k Men searching for Women, and 10k Women searching for Men.

I did meet one really nice girl, and we're kind of running with this for a bit. Of all places, I met her on craigslist. It's not much more than a digital newspaper classifieds, but it worked.

The two best things I found to get a response were:

1. Get a decent picture of yourself. Not a crappy snapshot with poor lighting, and a spur of the moment image that has you over-flashed and your messy apartment in the background. If you have a "Glamour Shots" or something, or even just a friend who knows a little about photography, take advantage of it.

2. Look through the ads until you find one that you really feel a connection with, and send a thoughtful, carefully composed email. Learn to use your spellchecker, and write with complete sentences.

Good luck to you all...

BTW, I do actually know of a nice lady that I used to work with who met a wonderful person on eHarmony. They're doing quite well, and are three months into their relationship. I don't know any details of how they met, hooked up, etc. But I do know she met him there. It's not completely hopeless... =)

Posted by: Iceberg at September 10, 2004 10:02 PM

Rose - thank you for the compliment, especially nice in light of the fact that I've been reamed on this weblog recently. I'll try to keep you laughing if they let me -and I agree with everything you said.

Sigh back at ya!

Posted by: Andrea at September 11, 2004 02:39 AM

MY experience with personal dating:
Well match docotor is still totally free-you may meet a few nice friends from all over the world-I did.
If you have an old ad- on yahoo personals -which used to be free ( and still is for old members until you update it.) There are a few nice men on that site.
But put in different postal codes and zip codes-place your ad in another city. Its a big world out there-your soul mate doesn't have to live next door to you!
Match .com..... biggest money grabbing business I have ever encountered. I feel no dating site should ever charge members-the company gets rich as it is- from Corporate sponsors!
or over 25 yearsI have followed peorsonal dating sites right from back in the day when it was in newspapaers with tele personals ( phone) Studies show as soon as you charge money -especially for women-business goes way down.
Guess its all hit n misss!

Posted by: MD at September 11, 2004 07:26 PM

I stumbled upon this discussion having had the same experiences as everyone else with both EH and Match. What puzzles me, however, is that like myself, everybody in this discussion seems very sincere in their attempts at on-line dating. I truely feel that a majority of the people using on-line dating sites, especially in my age group (I'm 47), are sincere. Why then does it turn out to be such a frustrating experience and why are there not more success stories? Do you think there is a format for an on-line dating site that would work?

Posted by: Keith at September 14, 2004 07:44 AM

Regarding EH: Has anyone been asked to respond to an email address like call_winchester or some other call_ name at Yahoo? I think it is a central response location where EH employees collect and answer emails from members. Would be interested in knowing if anyone else has had a similar experience. Regards, Lisa

Posted by: lisa at September 15, 2004 07:54 PM

I a 25 and met a man that is 65 on eharmony. He liked and said he was 40.

We are still going strong though

Posted by: SnowApple at September 20, 2004 12:29 PM

E harmony is a straight up fraudelent nearly criminal enterprise, in my opinion. They are VERY difficult to get in contact with for a refund or any customer service issue, they restarted my account 4 months after I cancelled it without my permission, and the matches they hooked me up with were universally totally incompatible with my basic requirements. Their so called "personality test" has no scentific basis, and a careful reading of their own literature makes this clear. Worse, they save the communication of "Must have's and Can't stands" until after the second contact with a match when these major disqualifying factors should be at the beginning. Why would they intentionally hook incompatible folks up? Because they make their money by keeping suckers, I mean customers hopeful and communicating with matches. The longer they delay the inevitable discovery that for instance you smoke and your match will not accept smoking, or your match is openly racist and you are not their preferred color, or your match will not date folks from your political party or any common disqualifier, the more money they make. Also, if you find your soulmate the first day, they make the least money possible. Although, their minimum is so high, they make money either way.
It is totally unethical to knowingly set up "compatible couples" who cannot begin to get to know each other because they are obvously incompatible from the outset.

If they really wanted to set up couples effectively they would have the "must haves and can't stands" checklist at the very beginning of the process, instead of this bogus and secret "personality matching system"... guess what's called pulling names out of a hat. If anyone disagrees with my assertion that the process is in fact random and the test is hokum, thus making the whole company a fruad, then show some evidence.


Posted by: Andrew Thomson at September 22, 2004 11:14 AM

eharmony is a rip off.
1. few matches
2. few responses
3. when my subscription was about to end, and i complained about the few matches i received, they started sending me outrageous mis-matches
4. they charged my credit card when my subscription ran out. sent their customer care-less department several emails to close my account, and credit my card. took them a month to respond, and they said it was against policy to refund at that point, even though i requested to close account and get a refund for the new month the day my subscription ended.
5. all they were willing to do was to give me another month- of no matches, no customer care, and take my money.
6. be afraid, very afraid, of this scam.

Posted by: mavis at September 26, 2004 04:23 PM

Match blows or at least the women I've met. My experience is that the women have no clue what they want so they agree to a date, appear to have fun, lead you on with, "sure call me!" & then disappear. It's a great place for women who are completely spineless.

Posted by: Steve at September 30, 2004 10:39 AM

Well, I am going to add my 2....10 cents....

To start with let me introduce you to a social experiment I just finished in that should give of the men in here a little pride and a little warning:

During an argument with a feminist friend of mine she told me the male stereotype we all know (Man are all a buncg of Al Bundi's and Homer Simpsoms) was just about right, and pretty much women were better "persons" than men....With this in mind, I set to prove her wrong.

So I do need a woman, a companion, a girlfriend . L.A., is a pretty hard city for dating, one of the worst. And I already have had experience with many dating sites, mostly as a web developer. Seen them all, and I knew what I was about to prove was true already, but I wanted to show her:

I opened TWO PROFILES in, both identical in every aspect. Just copy and paste. Same images, same everything EXCEPT in one I put down I only made between 25.000 $ to 35.000 $. On the second one I put down I made 75.000 $. I set my search parameters to "Any"..That is, any race, any looks, any weight, any age, any religion...I made sure I did not discriminate...Then I spent about a day emailing and winking at ladies, about 30 per profile.

Results: By the end of the week the profile that had only 25K had only been seen 10 times and no emails or replies. The 75k profile...227 views, 23 emails, 56 winks. All ages, all types, all races...Most were poepl that relocated from somewhere else in the US: Chicago, Atlanta, foreign countries, etc

What does this say about women? To most of these women I will never get pass the fact I only make 25 k a year....So I am only as worth as how much money I have..That is A GREAT MAJORITY of women, and this test proved it. Make you own conclusions. My feminist friend had to swallow that one with three shots of Tequila, She is still lost as far as giving me an explanation.

Posted by: Chaos Child at October 3, 2004 07:07 AM

Well, here's one for you, Chaos Child: I met a lovely man on - lovely enuf to date intensively for 2 months in the spring - we had more in common in terms of interests and values (I thought) than any man I had met in the recent past. On his profile, under the "My Date" - income parameter he had put "Any". Then, without any glimmer of a hint it was coming, he sat me down after two months and broke up with me because "You don't have the kind of income, savings, or nest egg to help contribute to my retirement dreams. All this, mind you, when he knew from Date 1 what my financial situation is.
Just thought you might be interested in hearing Another Story - put kind of a bitter taste in my mouth about dating services.
P.S. He had the chutzpah to tell me I was perfect for him in every other way.

Posted by: Andrea at October 3, 2004 10:54 PM

Well, when I was involved in dating sites (I am no longer!), I never put my income down for fear of attracting gold-digging men. But don't you think that, for men in this society, it's kind of a badge of pride to have a high income, and culturally ingrained to use that as bait to attract younger, attractive women? Whereas, if a woman were to do that, we'd be accused of looking for a gigolo?

You have to admit, though, if all else were equal, we'd ALL pick the person with the higher income. We are a capitalistic society, where you can buy anything, including a mate.


Posted by: anima in Orlando at October 4, 2004 05:14 AM

I was feeling sorry for myself because almost no one had contacted me (even tho my site has received plenty of hits) or responded to my e-mails or winks. Then, a nice guy who lived WAY out of my geographic area thanked me for at least acknowledging his e-mail, because "that's more than anyone else has done - no one else bothers to answer." WHAT ARE WE ALL DOING ON THESE WEBSITES? Paying Wall Street to let us put our fantasy dates in print for all to see, window shop, ignore people, be demoralized that no one answers, or worse. What, are we NUTS? We're what the grifters call "marks". From now on, I'll donate the money to PBS and go out and take my chances among live humans.

Posted by: Summer at October 4, 2004 09:56 PM

Hello, I feel compelled today to send my thoughts into cyberspace while waiting out my eHarmony subscription (I got 9 months for the price of 3, so my subscription goes until February . . . they kept sending me better and better price reduction offers).

So far, I've made it to open communication with a few guys but have not met even one in person. I've found that the men misportray themselves: a man who listed his occupation as CEO of a communications company, and discussed his love of his children, turned out to have lost his job and was unemployed. And the 3 children were all ADHD and very difficult for him to handle, so he said in one of those open communication thingees. Another who said he was an airline pilot turned out to have an airplane mechanic's business and lived in a trailer. And I just entered into open communication with a guy who listed himself as a professional muscian and orchestra conductor. He tells me in his first note that he is living with his sister and earns a living as a substitute music teacher, and has no conducting prospects at all.

I'm not impressed with eHarmony's ability to weed out dishonest guys. I could find out the above information about all of the men I met on eHarmony in a 15-minute conversation if I met them naturally. But through eHarmony, it takes a week or two to get to that point.

Two weeks of emailing compared to 15 minutes if I get my rearend up and out of the house and doing something fun and interesting. I feel so foolish for having bought into the whole eHarmony charade. It feels like the old children's fable about the Emporer's New Clothes: A tailor told the Emporer that only worthy, intelligent people would be able to see the new set of clothes he had sewn for him. The Emporer could not see them, but he would not say so, for fear he would be considered stupid. Neither could anybody else, because in truth, there were no clothes. But everybody kept remarking on the beauty of his new clothes, so as to appear worthy and intelligent. So the Emporer paraded around naked, showing off his new clothes, until one day a little boy said, "The Emporer is totally naked!" EHarmony's website states, "After reading our information, you can see that it would be extremely difficult to find a partner that meets these 29 dimensions on your own." That is very plainly persuading people they won't find a quality mate unless they use eHarmony. Bull. I feel like an Empress who's just found out she's been walking around naked, duped, fooled.

This is sort of an update to a prior post. And I respectfully request that none of eHarmony's PR people get on here and start trashing my personal character because eHarmony obviously did its job by sending me these miscreants in the first place. Summer's right - we've all been "marks" and I, for one, will be making an effort to get up offa that thang and move out into the real world. Rose

Posted by: Rose at October 5, 2004 01:08 PM

Rose - you go, girlfriend!! Sorry I won't join you in getting up off my (_!_) to get out and meet men, but after the events of this summer (read my above message) I'm feeling too embittered to venture forth in that endeavor at present. Good luck!!

Posted by: Andrea at October 5, 2004 05:50 PM

I have been reading all the comments, and of course feel the urge to include my own. I joined Eharmony about 5 months ago. Overall - I would say it is OK. I have had probably 30 matches. I have dated 3, i am a single parent as were all of them. the first was not completely honest. ( height wise ) dated for about 1 month, and knew although he wanted to be in a relationship. his lifestyle could not fit one in. 2nd one, 1 date, no connection although there was one on the phone. 3rd one. I am still dating. sincere nice person. I came home today and I have 9 new matches. I am not a supermodel. I am a sincere, nice single mom with teenage kids, I have a good sense of humor and like to have fun. I have changed my profile settings a couple of times. I was at first getting matches over 100 miles away. so i narrowed my range. I wish you all good luck. Yes, I am an eternal optimist. Perhaps this match will not be what I am looking for. and maybe it won't be eharmony. but, it will be there someday.

Posted by: Dawn at October 6, 2004 08:55 PM

I got onto eHarmony at the behest of a friend of mine who'd sworn by it (although she has yet to have dated anyone more than twice after using it a year), and found that after 3 months, I had received less than a dozen matches, none of which had ever responded to my attempts to communicate. Talk about false hope. I'm going back to the old "get my friend to hook me up with someone and take my chances" routine. It's cheaper and gets SOME results anyway. :(

Posted by: ITguyTX at October 11, 2004 12:52 PM

People get out of something what they put into it.
Perhaps the success stories on eH brought in
a hopeful positive attitude. Perhaps the bitter
failures brought in too much baggage.

Income still plays a big part though.
Christian or no, educated or no,
"liberal-minded" or no, FEW FEW FEW women
are willing to just see how it goes despite
a perceived-as-poor income level.

Posted by: Ell-Ell at October 11, 2004 01:20 PM

I signed up with both Yahoo Personals and AFF, but all the responses i am getting are from spammers or scammers. They all love me and want me to use my credit card to sign up with some sort of pornography services - they claim they are all free, of course. I guess I am dumb enough to sign up with those Personals, but I am not that dumb to fall for that.

Am I so not attrative? Or it's the service that sucks?

Posted by: Nobody at October 11, 2004 06:51 PM

It's been interesting reading many of the comments in this thread. I nver joined EH because there was something I just couldn't trust and the radio ads are so annoying. I spent a little coin at a couple of years back and have nothing to show for it. Aside from the folks that have had trouble getting refunds and the problems getting accounts closed, I don't find anything inheriently bad about them.

I'm the guy that can't get a glance or smile from a single woman let alone a phone number or (gasp!) a date. I can count the number of women that have initiated a date with me in real life twice on one hand. Married women will flirt with me all day long which is mostly annoying as I'm not into breaking up a marriage. For whatever reason I'm not gifted in the art of attracting women or I lack that natural attraction gene. Whatever, I've made my peace and I'll be content to continue to live life on my terms.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I tried the online dating sites thinking that if a woman could learn a little about me that perhaps she would be willing to know more about me. Alas, no dice. Any member that I sent an email to on Match never returned the conversation and the few that did initiate a conversation obviously never paid attention to any of my selection criteria. Now, that criteria wasn't about the woman being a supermodel (how incredibly boring that would be), but lifestyle criteria such as no children, not divorced, be of compatible religious beliefs, etc.

These are the filters we all apply when choosing a mate and if that person isn't a member of the site, all the matching criteria in the world is moot. It's really that simple. Sure, the online sites offer a person the chance to reveal more information about themselves than the personals ads in the newspaper. But, this cuts both ways as the person viewing the online ads can quickly dismiss those not matching what they are looking for.

So, what's a guy like me to do that lives in a rural town and is north of 40? I really don't know. Most of the "single" women around have been divorced once or twice and have kids. Trying to raise some other man's children or, worse yet, having a strong influence from him in the home that runs counter to my values/beliefs is not my idea of a good life. I want to find a partner in life so that we can better each others life, not go the other way. Is this selfish? Perhaps, but that's the way it is.

Unfortunately, it seems as though the online dating sites are rife with the divorced with kids women (I'm not passing judgement on their life--it's just what I find in this geographical area) anymore. The few true single women on the sites seem to be looking for the big bank account and a life in the city with a playboy and I doubt they would find rural life at all enjoyable. I have an interest in a lot of things outside of the mainstream and I think that counts against me as well.

In short, I don't blame the sites as much as I blame the demographics.

Posted by: The Bachelor at October 11, 2004 06:59 PM

Actually I have to give Dr. Warren credit he has created quite a moneymaking scam with eharmony. 29 dimensions. Not 30. I have been a member for just a few days and have been given 15 or so matches. Most if not all are very far away, or much older than me or much younger with some way too tall. Half of the woman have as can't stand someone who watches pornography which I enjoy. Why wasn't this picked up within the special 29 dimensions of compatibility. The whole thing is really a crock. But a very schrewd one. The commercials are superb and Dr. Warren's pitch is wonderful. Sure there are some marriages but picking numbers out of a phone book might lead to a few marriages too. But the whole thing is an empty suit. I will be cancelling before the week is up.

Posted by: Pierre at October 11, 2004 08:54 PM

This advertisment is a fraud...playing on emotions of real people. Shame on you for digging for money to fill hearts that need to be healed. You should be ashamed of yourself! I do not want anything to do with your business. Do not email me again or I will be forced to pursue matters legally.

Posted by: Susan DeBusk at October 12, 2004 12:18 AM

OK - This is too funny - I JUST joined eHarmony last week at the urging of my (overweight) niece who is having her first child (at 36) with her (slight physical disability) husband who she met on....guess...EH...I've never been on an internet date, this is my absolute first tiptoe into the whole deal...I personally think I should be a catch! Nice looking at 50, great cook, high income, 2 children in HS, one in college, high energy....the $90 for 3 months didn't bother me, but then I didn't realize there are free ones out there...damn, I should have read this log first!

Posted by: Diane at October 16, 2004 11:46 AM

Diane, I wish you all the best of luck on eHarm, and you do sound like a fantastic catch. Be forewarned, though, that each 50-year old man you're matched with, will also receive dozens of matches of 35-year old women. Men are matched with 4 years older to 15 years younger. Women get 4 years younger to 15 years older. The 46 year old man you are matched with, will get many matches that are 31. When you get closed out with the excuse "I am pursuing another match", I finally figured out that means, "I am pursuing another match 15 years younger than you." Whew, that's enough math for me today! Good luck!

Posted by: Rose at October 18, 2004 11:00 AM

I'm an eHarmony survivor of 7 days. I was impressed with the idea of utilizing a psych approach with personality tests. However, after seeing how they are set up, feel they are very dishonest in the way they recruit members. They never say up front that:

Women have to receive matches of men 17 years older with no other option.

There is NO exchange of basic match criteria, i.e. religion, body type, children, marital status, favority activities, etc., items that are crucial to know before the deep personal results of their personality test.

When you click subscribe, you have to fill out in your credit/debit card number, BEFORE they will tell you what the price is, when it should be on the checkout page!

They allow a refund if you close within 7 days, but structure their process to take over 7 days to complete the match process so they can collect for one month.

The matches found were inappropriate (I got 3-4 any only one was a possibility. This one possibility went to the last state of communication before I found out he can't stand overweight people. Being 35 lbs overweight (which isn't even noticeable sometimes) is something I choose to disclose immediately to avoid all this wasted time and being repeatedly rejected because I know that 99.9% of the men will not want to contact me.

E-Harmony was a very time-consuming and painful process. After it seemed like I found a perfectly compatible man and we were a perfect personality match, as soon as he hears I am overweight I get a cold "I don't feel any sparks" and it was suddenly over. It could have been said in a nicer way with at least a "thank you".

If EH is based on psychology and intelligence, how can they miss the very simple fact that men are first attracted VISUALLY, not by personality. On first impression they care about height, weight, appearance, yet they are sold on a personality match, which is a total waste of time for both parties! If a woman looks like a model and is thin, most men don't care about her personality or anything else about her. This is evidenced by the multitude of men who complain about "games, deceit, lack of honesty, unfaithfulness". Look at what criteria they used to select their partners! EH men are trying to use a new angle, but when it comes right down to it, they want a personality match that is also thin, athletic, toned, and looks like a model, while they carry a "few extra pounds" and certainly don't look like models themselves!

When a woman is in her 50's and has low self-esteem, she's vulnerable and sensitive to rejection, EH compounds the pain of rejection by forcing the parties to become involved first, before the info is revealed that is disqualifying. It could be done differently, to avoid this pain.

Posted by: Linda at October 18, 2004 02:04 PM

Now my complaint about the other sites,, yahoo &

I'm very new to this online dating. At first I was pleasantly surprized that within 2 weeks over 350 men had viewed my photo and clicked to see my profile. Last night I finally went in to see who viewed my profile. 99.9% were in a different state or country! I'm guessing that these guys are looking for online sex. Certainly I would not think that they are looking 3000+ miles away for an in-person relationship. I'm IM'd frequently from men wanting sex. One seemed to be really nice. After chatting with him nearly 2 hours, it was obviously that he just wanted to have online sex. I finally added to my profile "NOT INTO VIRTUAL AFFAIRS". Don't these men have a multitude of other places where they can get their virtual sex?? Why bother innocent women who are just trying to find a partner?

Out of over 350+ who have seen my profile, I have met 3 who were courteous and did not mention sex on the first contact. I'm ready to give this pursuit a break for a while.

I'd be interested in how others have dealt with this problem.

Also interested in hearing from any men as to whether they have had the same problem with any women.

Thanks so much for any suggestions!

Posted by: Linda at October 18, 2004 02:17 PM

Hey guys....

I've posted here before; was a paying eH member from mid-March to mid-June and did not renew my membership (out of disgust)....had one date with a "match" who turned out to be married and looking for a little out-of-town fun.

I did not cancel my membership outright, so my profile is still out there and I am still receiving "matches" but I can't contact any of them. I have to wait until they contact me or close me far I'm batting zero, which is OK since they have been either too far away or completely not my type.

Since I was going nowhere with my nice, sincere, truthful profile, I decided to ramp it up a bit and have some fun. So I created the new Mary, age 46, "CEO,"

Three relationship strengths from Personality Profile:
- Mary tends to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.
- Mary tends to be the "Anchor of Reality" in highly emotional situations.
- Mary tends to approach problems in a creative way.

1. Four things your friends say about you:
- Energetic
- Rational
- Creative
- Modest

2. What are you most passionate about?

My passion is FASHION!!!!!!!!!!!

3. What is the most important quality you are looking for in a person?

Fitness, handsomeness, financial security (oh darn, that's three things!)

4. What are three of your BEST life skills?
- Finding creative solutions to everyday problems.
- Using humor to make friends laugh.
- Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness.

5. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

Ralph Lauren -- his Polo sheets are simply the BEST! And Martha Stewart was pretty cool before all that prison stuff. Oh, and Barbie, of course...

6. What are the THREE things for which you are most thankful?

1. Brad at Awesome Abs, my personal trainer
2. Marc Meiskin, M.D., my cosmetic surgeon
3. My superior intelligence

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing people notice about you?

My extensive vocabulary.

8. What is the ONE thing people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

My depth.

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

Shopping, working out, getting my nails done, going to the day spa, recovering from surgery, curing cancer (just kidding!)...did I mention shopping?

10. Describe the last book you read and enjoyed. What was it about?

Hmm...let's see...I read "Black Beauty" back in 6th grade. I think it was about a horse.

11. Describe one thing about yourself that only your friends know.

I wore Birkenstocks once in 1978. But don't tell anyone!

12. Is there any additional information you want your matches to know about you?

I was rated 9.8 on Hot or Not!!!

13. What are the 5 things you can't live without?
a. Manolo Blahnik shoes & Kate Spade bags.
b. Pilates
c. botox
d. hair extensions
e. shops that are open til 10 p.m.!


I fully expect Dr. Neil Clark Warren and his "moderators" to give me the boot once they catch on. One of my "matches" closed me today, citing "no reason at this time"....hah! And he's the one who bills himself as a real laugh riot! Oh, well....................

in Peace and real Harmony (not eHarmony)

Mary in San Jose(aka "Anchor of Reality")

Posted by: mary at October 18, 2004 06:06 PM

I couldn't help but read an earlier thread that says he was turned down by eharmony matches that
supposedly "can't stand" pornography. Perhaps Pierre needs to redefine his readiness for a healthy relationship if he enjoys porn, as he says. Sorry, fellas,you may think it's all just good fun, but good fun can turn into a neurotic obsession, and I don't know a sensible, marriage-minded single woman who would disagree with me on this one. Just my $.02 worth.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at October 19, 2004 06:09 PM

My experience with is they have fake profiles. I was chatting with this one too good to be true woman on there.. and one day I got an email from "her" in which they inadvertently left part of the distribution thread that was used to queue responses from some fake group. It said "Please respond to this member" on the thread, then the response. I was shocked! I confronted whoever "they" are that were pretending to be real, and they wrote me back like it was the first time I had ever written. was REALLY bizarre and started flirting with me. BEWARE... also I went to check a different city once and found a profile on there that I could have sworn Id seen in my local area. so I tried to wink at her and it refused saying I had winked at her within 30 days. BEWARE!!!!

Seriously, they have fake profiles to keep you interested.. Thanks for your attention.

Posted by: Chris at October 21, 2004 11:27 PM

Epilogue: The comments on this site were just what I needed when I was going through the rigors of online dating. So, to add to the statistical base: I am a 52 year-old professional, divorced, two sons, one in college and one in high school. I am divorced five years, out of one post-marriage relationship with a difficult breakup over "commitment issues"---to get out of the rut, joined EH in May for 3 months. I got a total of about 60 matches, corresponded with about 10, phone calls with one (who was a bit strange), and as I was closing out, decided to correspond with one last man with a good face and seemingly bright, honest answers.

I did not post photos; we are both the same age, went to Catholic school but are not practicing, like Woody Allen, have similar political views and values, and live within 25 minutes of each other. I lost a lot of money in my divorce, and he lost money in his, so big money is not an issue. We have been seeing each other for about three and a half months and I am finally ready to say he probably one of the warmest, funniest, most genuine men I have had the pleasure to know.

And, no, I am not affiliated with a dating company, or a company that services one. I think this is all about probabilities. My sister would say it's fate. There are possibilities, it seems, for all of it. ----Mara

Posted by: mara at October 25, 2004 10:35 AM

I found this blog site some days ago and it's taken me this long to read all the entries on eHarmony and all. I'm chagrinned that I put out the money to buy a whole year's membership in eHarmony. I think I'm a pretty neat person, but nobody has ever beaten a path to my INTJ door. So I figured I'd need time. Sure enough I had that "no match" in the entire world experience... later I've had a few spurts here and there.

When someone was finally willing to correspond, I thought the guy was pretty blah, he kept trying to come up with answers that would be agreeable, so I thought of him as pretty sheep-like. But I was so curious about what the levels of correspondence were like, I kept it up. He had been with eHarmony for some months .... now I wonder how it was that he didn't show up as a match right away. The matches are supposedly generated from the personality profile which we can't adjust.

Speaking of the profile ... I was quite disappointed. I know without a doubt that I'm an introvert, but there was no indication of that in my profile. Seems to me that 's important.

On this forum I have enjoyed Isaac's comments which seem rather reflective. I too see this as a learning experience as I try to define what I'm looking for and what I have to offer in a relationship.

I've pretty much narrowed down my yahoo personals description of what I want to someone who plays music. So if I'm so choosy to reject those people who don't play an instrument or sing, I can't feel hurt when others might want an athletic showpiece. Face to face, I and others would probably be less choosy. But if I get to express my ideal, what the hey.

I've been interested in how people look at religious beliefs. Why do so many say "Christian" and then make it clear that they don't want to do any Christian related activities? Or those "liberals" who can muster up attraction to only people of their own race and/or economic bracket.

People are funny.

Thanks y'all for sharing,

Posted by: fiddle player at October 25, 2004 01:20 PM

Like many who have posted here, I was intrigued by eHarmony's "psychological" approach to the online profile, especially after a less specific profile at produced only two results: one potentially compatible woman who lives nearly 800 miles away, and one stalker (okay, not literally, but enough to creep a guy out anyway).

Since the fiscal realities of my current between-career status dictate that I proceed with great caution in most areas, I did cast a skeptic's eye toward eHarmony before plunking down any dough. I truly commiserate with all who ponied up for an eHarmony listing, but I'm really glad I passed.

The "psychological" profile, which I completed but did
not submit, lacked anticipated depth. The presence of
questions that can only be answered "always" or "never" raised a red flag, since I've never (nyuk) known
these to produce accurate results (Who among us is
that consistent?).

Some questions I found downright laughable. I'm guessing that anyone who listed "Knowing that my spouse is usually to blame when things go wrong" as "Very important" isn't gonna snag a torrent of positive

In my opinion, e-Harmony's profile procedure, however extensive, is no more likely to help one locate a "match" than any other online service. Call me a hopeless
romantic (or an imbecile, or Ishmael if you're feeling
literary), but I believe that the capricious nature of
human chemistry defies profiling. Consequently, I'm
back to hoping for that "chance encounter".

Happy Chemistry to all (and to all a good night).

Posted by: American Idle II at October 26, 2004 01:42 PM

Greetings, all. On my way to take the eHarmony personality profile I Googled "", then "Sites that contain...". "Hunting the Muse" caught my attention, and here I am... Admittedly, I only read the first two and last two months of posts, still, I can't help but think that within the community of those of us who have taken a moment to post are the very people - or, at least, type of people - with whom we are compatible and/or are seeking. I am not trying to suggest that "Hunting the Muse" become some sort dating forum, still, there is a certain level of comfort which can't be ignored among those of us who are ready, willing and able - but terribly frustrated - for a committed, lasting adult relationship...

Posted by: Glenn at October 31, 2004 05:51 AM

Hi Glenn - I wholeheartedly agree with your comments above. Would love to know more about you. How do we do this? Hmmmm.


P.S. I have many comments posted on this weblog should you care to peruse them to get an idea of my personality and thoughts about online matching services.

Posted by: Andrea at November 1, 2004 12:33 PM

E-Harmony matches do not work. I am a 52 year old male and all the matches were women 54 to 56 years old. I want someone my own age. Then they finally match me with a wome that is an avid "bridge" player that likes to sit for hours playing cards. Where did they get that from? That is not me or even close. So after about a weeke of nothing and the "bad vibes" it is obvious that this does not work.

Too Bad. Maybe someday someone with one of these dating sites will figure it out.

Posted by: Mike at November 2, 2004 11:19 AM

It's taken me two days to read all of the posts here. I happened on this site by googling "eharmony scam" because I've had some uneasy feelings lately with eharmony. Here's my experience:

I joined 10/29 (3 months for price of 1) and literally spent hours answering all of those questions, making sure to take time to think about the question and give the most honest and accurate answer I could conjure. I say this because depending on what the issue is, you may respond differently. For instance questions on anger and what not....well, if someone walks up to me and slaps the shit out of me, well I'm going to be pretty pissed and would be more likely to "lose my temper" should that happen. Would that mean I have an anger problem? The "must haves/can't stands" list was a real hoot too. I mean c'mon. Didn't you want to check damn near everyone of those items. Does it mean if I DON'T check that 'I can't stand someone who has sex outside of a committed relationship' that I think it's ok or that I enourage it? So many of these statements were so general that I ended up feeling like I was being dishonest with myself. I don't like liars....that's true, but I'm talking about liars who do their handywork to deceive in a way that causes harm or hurt to someone else, etc. I lie to my kids every yr telling them that there is a Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny...etc. Does this make me mismatched with the guy that says he can't stand a liar? Does it mean I'm a hypocrite (another item in the 'can't stand' list) since I chose this 'can't stand' yet I tell my children that a big guy in a red suit is going to bring them toys on Christmas Eve? Perhaps I'm being ridiculous, and I probably am, but these things really bothered me when filling out the questions and such.

When I finished answering everything I searched for a match.....nada....not one freaking match. I was totally shocked as I figured there should be at least one person that I could match with. Over the next couple of days I received two matches then a miracle happened on 11/02. 6 matches in one day and 4 of the emails were timestamped at 10:25am? How is it that 4 would come through at the exact same time, one of which closed me out because he was pursuing another match. All I have to say is damn this guy is either really lucky and found his love on his first match or he's been in the system a while (more likely) and eharmony delayed showing him as a match for me. Here's the stats on matches to date:

34 total matches
-13 closed either by me or the match for various reasons such as distance, other relationships, issues with profile, etc., and one match closed after sending me his first open communication requesting I call him and I refused.

7 of the matches are in various communication stages, 4 of them being open.

14 of which there has been no communication requests by me or the match

Now this is where things get weird to me. Every single say since that buttload of matches came through at the same time, I have gotten a steady flow of email notifications requesting communication or about answers given, plus the "New Match Found" emails. Right now it appears that all of my matches I was talking to either dropped dead or when the entire eharmony site crashed, our communications got lost somewhere.

One more thing I don't get...I don't live in a heavily populated area but you would think at least one person out of 72K would have been a match.

I've really enjoyed reading all of you guys on here. Thank you tunesmith for keeping it sane and giving space for everyone to share their experiences. I'll be sure to give a few clicks to help with your costs.

A final note.....perhaps I'm not supposed to understand why eharmony works as it does.....and that's just as well as I'm sure I never will.

33 and looking

Posted by: Stephanie at November 8, 2004 12:46 PM

Tunesmith here - just so y'all know, this isn't the only article on my weblog. It's one of about 1600 postings. I actually mostly write about Democratic politics and technology, although I'll probably be writing about politics a bit less, now that the elections are over and my man Kerry got pasted. Boo hoo. (If you're a Bush person, be nice to me.) Anyway, you can click the "main" link up top, or just click here to check me out. I'm all about getting a few more regular readers. Okay, back to our normally scheduled programming.

Posted by: tunesmith at November 8, 2004 01:00 PM

I actually did have a great match on eharmony. It was zen-like. We had two really terrific dates and spent hours - in person - sharing inner thoughts and yes, a bit of intamacy. In the end, he was a "hunter" - roaring for his perfect match but not quite sure what to do once he "caught" her. I look at it this way... I've spent more than $50 in a bar and ended up with losers... at least this way, I spare myself the hangover! :)

Posted by: toogoodtobetrue at November 10, 2004 05:40 PM

I tried AmericanSingles and thought it worked ok. I found that most people (including me at times) were talking to a ton of different people at the same time. That was 4 months ago. I only did it for a month but I still talk to a few of the women from there. I dated one for 2 months but it didn't work out. My advice is to not talk to anyone who doesn't post a picture. I did find that there were a lot of women who want absolutely nothing to do with a guy who has a kid. Also, if you're a guy, do a search as a woman looking for a guy. I found that there were about 30 times the number of guys looking than women. That's a lot of competition and women are pretty darn mean sometimes!

Posted by: Joe at November 10, 2004 07:01 PM

I joined EHarmony when a friend of mine at work met his fiance thru the site. I dated a couple girls from there and then met a pretty cool girl that I started a relationship with. After a while, I found out she had pretty much lied to me about everything and was really just desperate to get a boyfriend. Not terribly unusual. So anyhow that didnt work out.

Im pretty picky with the girls on dating sites. Not that I am perfect, its just if they have a picture and you are not attracted to them, why bother continuing? Im in the same boat, a LOT of girls I think are cute and interesting never respond, thats just the way it works.

One thing for sure, EHarmony has a lot more obese girls than the other big sites like Pretty much every one of them contacts me, even though I say in my profile how active and into fitness I am.

Posted by: DMC at November 11, 2004 06:53 PM

I wonder if the Dr. knows he has built a fraud? And those commercials.... every night is like a sleepover.... the giggling woman who put in a order and found the perfect man .... the people who spoke for 4 hours on there first and second call etc. Is this true or scripted? Are these real customers or models? By the way has copied the eharmony system and it is free now. It's called tickle marriage.
Also Edie I think you are a prude.

Posted by: Pierre at November 11, 2004 08:43 PM

Well it took a while, but I've read EVERY post on here! While I've thoroughly enjoyed reading them, I beg to differ with some of the comments.

A few years ago (when "trial members" could still communicate with members) I created a profile on with NO photo. The response was phenomenal! There was almost no way to keep up with the correspondence with all of those educated, articulate, successful men. The key, my friends, is what is IN your profile. Mine was carefully worded to screen out dummies and boors. In addition, it included a physical description. BTW, several respondents told me that they had NEVER BEFORE written any ladies who had not posted photographs, but they just *had to* respond to mine!!

Now I'm on E-Harmony, again with no photo, and so far so good. The statements above about geography playing a role in the "matching process" are spot on!! So far MOST of the men I've been matched with are in my city, with several in my state and ALL of them in the same region of the country. Also I dislike the "can't stand" and "must have" lists, which contain complaints and desires that are almost universal. They should allow you to select 15 instead of 10 or get rid of it altogether.

Time will tell how I fare on E-Harmony, but thus far I'm pleased with the quality of my matches, most of whom are close to my age. But the jury is still out, as it's premature to draw conclusions. If anything adverse happens I'll let you guys know. :)

Posted by: Tiger at November 12, 2004 11:34 AM

Phew..guys, took a while for me to read all the messages, but by golly I made it!!!

Thanks all for your comments on Eharmony. I'm a 32 year old guy, waiting to cancel his EH membership in December.

Perhaps I should claim the first price for one of the biggest sucker for this online dating scheme LOL. I've shelled out about $250 within the last two years on both, friendfinder and EH.

My take on things: BS and waste of money, I didn't get anything at all. I emailed one of the member (interests: Travelling, match must be open-minded person, etc), never got any replies, a couple days later I noticed she changed her profile: White only please. LOL!!! Joined a couple years ago for a year. I got over 300 views, sent out probably about 100 emails, got about 10 responses (two which were pretty bad...I asked one member "did you get my email" she answered "yeah, got a pic?" I sent her my picture. That was the last time I heard from her. Mind you I am not ugly. I went out on dates (with beautiful and smart women) and had a couple serious relationships. The key: This all happened while I went to University. Once I graduated, boy things changed so quickly.

OK, on to Eharmony:

Got matched to about 50 people, yeah the 'closed' match sucks BIG time. Had probably about eight people that I communicated and out of those eight, I'm down to one and another one waiting for her to respond (she initiated it).

Now, what's the appropriate time to ask for an 'in person' date? My opinion, probably about 10-20 emails, move on to real chat on MSN, then phone, then meet up. One member connected really well, we went back and forth for about 2 month, till today I have yet to meet her (she canceled the one and only date because of 'emergency' and 'very busy') which is ok, but here's the thing, if they were really busy, had three jobs, don't even have time for a decent lunch or sleep, why the hell are you subscribing in the first place? All I ask was a one hour lunch, heck even George W Bush is not THAT busy (ok you can debate me on that..LOL).

I actually blew the chance with another member, after some 20 emails back and forth (she said we 'clicked' etc), I gave her my ph number to give her privacy so she doesn't have to give me hers. Never called, ok. I gave her instructions to download MSN messenger, she said "I don't know how to use that thing. My roomate has it, but it's a different priority right now." OK..guys, it takes FIVE minutes with a simple click and download it. So I told her that I think I spent a whole lot more effort into this more than her and I don't feel she wants to pursue anything more EVEN on a friendship level. She got offended and called it a 'weird email'.

Now I'm just down to two (one live, managed to email outside EH) and wait for another one. After this, I'm out.

I'm spending more energy joining a smaller bible study group and what not. BTW, I'm not one of those crazy, preachy Christians...just an average guy here.

Also- interesting thing: I clicked all possible 'race' and checked all the boxes. I got 50+ matches. 49 caucasian, and 1 asian (who closed me IMMEDIATELY), here's the kicker. I'm Asian too!

I think I suffer a bit of a low self esteem now because of so many rejections from all these strangers and I know I got lots to offer (not bad looking, nice job..alas not making 75K/year, own a house, etc...)

Quoting the Master Card commercial-

Money you spend on these sites: $250
Time you spend biting your nails hoping for a respond: Considerable
Feeling sucky cause you got so many 'closed' and a couple nasty emails: PRICELESS.

Thanks for letting me vent.


Posted by: JS at November 12, 2004 09:56 PM


Sorry you've had such a rotten time of it, but trust me, your experiences are not unusual. I don't know what it is about these dating sites, but somehow they seem to make people feel as though it's OK to behave even worse than they would in real life, with less concern and respect for the other person than they would show somebody they were passing in traffic.

As a single woman in my early 50s with three kids still in school, I knew I was not going to be a hot property, but my choices were pretty limited on eH and to older retired guys who want to travel, jog, and go boating. I guess, looking back, I had four or five opportunities with different men, none of which panned out. One, a guy who turned out to be separated, but just looking for a friend. Actually, he drove over to my town one evening, and kept calling me and calling me, even though I didn't answer, wanting to get me to meet up with him someplace, which I really hadn't planned on doing that night. It wasn't like a stalker thing, he was just very interested and wildly persistent. I finally relented, answered the phone, and we went out, talked, and he bought me a nice dinner, then he lost interest, as if a switch had been flipped. It seemed to me that we hit it off fine, I just think the fantasy factor simply disappeared after that.

I hit it off famously with another man in correspondence, we almost felt like soul mates, then we met in person. No chemistry there on a physical level on either side, very disappointing.

Number 3 was probably the worst experience of the bunch. We talked on the phone, met for dinner, and neither one of us wanted to pursue it further. However, I was honest about that, sent him a friendly email, asked him to let me know if he felt differently, and that I would be happy to take him to dinner to reciprocate, just as a friend. He never responded to anything I wrote him. No common courtesy to even say no thanks.

The fourth, saddest experience was a man who looked very promising in his profile, and we corresponded just a little bit on eH before he revealed he has four grown children, three of whom are severely mentally handicapped and in his care. While my heart went out to him, I simply was not up for the challenge, and I told him that with as much honesty and compassion as I could, told him I admired him. Result? He closed me out the same day without another word.

My thing has been to treat people on these online dating sites with as much courtesy and caring as I would anybody else. It's sometimes hard to deal with situations where you just don't want to pursue a relationship, but I forced myself to face the situation with decency and kindness. Did I get any of that back? Precious little. I'm not bitter, mostly disappointed, and have departed the online dating scene.

I don't know whether this kind of behavior is typical of live, face-to-face dating because I've been so long out of the dating scene, but I'm guessing it's not. Something about the anonymity of the internet seems to make people rude and impersonal.

Anyway, J.S., you see that your experiences are not so different! Good luck to you. You sound like a nice, thoughtful person with lots of potential. Hang in there.

anima in Orlando

Posted by: anima at November 13, 2004 04:51 AM

Wow thanks Anima for your support. That was quick.

Yeah, many people join EH, match or any message boards with the attitude that they can do whatever they want, because of the anonimity of the Internet. That is a sad thing. To me, Internet is not that much different from phone, I wouldn't NOT return somebody's call or hang up on them, so why would I do it different with the Internet?

Anyway- thanks for the support :)

Posted by: JS at November 13, 2004 09:37 AM

Probable PROOF eHarmony is a scam....

here's my list of closed matches eHarmony
found for me but I found to be incompatible
with me after being a member for not more
than 2 weeks. Aside from the fact that they
say their long personality profile test is based
on what was it "300 reasons", notice that I
have closed 34 of them (with only 2 remaining):

Ok first, notice the odd "a" name endings
after being sorted. Also note only one of
them has the same name:

DANA - cameron park, California
Andrea - Carmichael, California
Erika - Cazadero, California
Tricia - Soon to be Fresno, California
Lura - ocean park, Washington
Melissa - Peoria, Arizona
Melissa - St Louis Park, Minnesota
Tonia - Minneapolis, Minnesota
Jessica - Stacy, Minnesota
Amanda - Spring Lake Park
Theresa - Onalaska, Wisconsin
Earlita - Tampa, Florida
Patricia - Jupiter, Florida
Tina - Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Vanessa - Vancouver, BC, Canada

More, again notice the odd name similarities here:

Aimee - Atlanta, Georgia
Shannonlee - St.Paul, Minnesota
Julie - minneapolis, Minnesota
Julianne - green bay, Wisconsin
Marianne - Pompton Lakes, New Jersey
Jeannine - Canton, Georgia
Jean - Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota

The rest, notice how arbitrary, meaning none
have the same name (as well as entire list
with the exception of one name):

Janice - San Francisco, California
Erin - Benicia, California
Cyndy - portland , Oregon
Jennifer - Casper, Wyoming
Thuy - Austin, Texas
Shalann - North Little Rock , Arkansas
Kim - Atlanta, Georgia
Tiffany - moline, Illinois
Esther - Melbourne, Florida
Elizabeth - New York, New York
trish - atlantic city, New Jersey
beth - concord, New Hampshire

So, scam.... or no scam? That is the question.
I'll tell you what i think, i think there are way
too many similarities. Any good programmer
who knows good coding could dupe up lists
like this for people. Thats just my opinion. ~JP,
Minnesota, USA

Posted by: JP at November 14, 2004 12:15 AM

Hmmm...I think they are just coincidence JP. Heck I've known probably about 15 "Jennifer" in my whole entire life living in my area and my home town got about 1.5 million people!

By the way my membership ends in Dec 10th, but I just found out that another member who actually initiated a conversation earlier, just closed the communication with me after I sent my 'must/can't have'. So with that, I just went ahead and closed my account. Big deal, I'll lose 30 bux, but at least I won't suffer anymore dissapointment.

I did put my hotmail account in my profile. If anybody from there wanted to contact me, fine..but if not, I will rely on the 'higher power' (God for me) to just meet me with my future mate. No more technology.

On to the 'real life' now. Bye internet dating! :)


Posted by: JS at November 14, 2004 02:51 AM

Well, JP, at least your matches come from various parts of the country!!! With ONE exception, ALL of mine are in this region.

One of my new matches has put his e-mail addy in his profile, and I will be closing him for it (and other reasons). If he didn't like the rules he shouldn't have joined, not join and then proceed to break the rules! That I do NOT respect.

Posted by: Tiger at November 14, 2004 06:38 AM

I have had the same problem as the women here. Either way to young, or way to old and shall I say to "BIG" Lets face it. E harmony is way to much for what you get. I had 36 matches the first week. NONE of which I would even consider going out with or even meeting. I don't drink alcohol, so what did they match me up with??? Scocial drinkers?? Yea right If you want to meet someone in a bar?? Not scocial to me. Starbucks maybe. But hey, if you are a slender guy like me.. The that thing you want is to be matched up with some "BIG" woman. just dosen't work. Eharmony sucks!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Dale at November 15, 2004 01:02 AM


I agree with you that eHarmony is definitely the wrong place to look if your first criterion is appearance. I've seen the same complaint from several different men here ... too many BIG women there. And while I am no fan of eH, as you can tell by my other posts, one thing they do make pretty clear is that you have to be willing to suspend judgment of a person's looks until you know them better in order to use their service; it's set up that way. If you aren't willing to do that, then eH most certainly is not the place for you.

And well, maybe it isn't the place for most of the rest of us either. It wasn't for me, and I didn't even have the appearance criterion that some others do -- I WAS willing to know more about the whole person before deciding whether to move forward or not.

Anyway, there are plenty of other dating sites that let you shop for your ideal body type BEFORE initiating contact. But for any readers who are determined to get that perfect body in a mate, there is always the real-life, real-time solution. You always have a full 3D representation of the candidate before you say the first word! Dale, have you tried the Starbucks route? Lots of young, thin women frequent the one in my neighborhood.

anima in Orlando

P.S. As one of those curvy, moderately BIG women myself, I simply have to add that we don't want to be matched up with men who aren't attracted to us either. While I was an eH subscriber, hearing that from a man would cause me to close him out in a heartbeat. It's a waste of everybody's time.

Posted by: anima at November 15, 2004 04:10 AM

Perhaps the cultures that conduct arranged marriages aren't so wrong after all. Looking at all the problems the posters here (myself included) have with finding a mate both in meatspace and cyberspace, one might reasonably conclude that our parents could have done as well.

I think for many of us we are feeling the sting of a society that places far too much empahsis on physical appearance. Some days I'm just as shallow as the next guy by being attracted to women I have zero chance with while I don't resemble in any fashion an attractive male. So, guys like me are shunned, avoided, and outright made to feel subhuman for daring to even breathe lest we deny one of the "beautiful people" a breath.

The online dating sites really play on the emotions of us plain and ordinary people who can't compete on the stage of beauty. It's really a sinister and cynical way to make a buck.

Posted by: The Bachelor at November 15, 2004 05:31 AM


I accidently came across this page while surfing the net.....

This one comment caught my eye though....

Joe stated in part (posted above on Nov 10): "My advice is to not talk to anyone who doesn't post a picture."

Interesting advice. But why do you say that? Do you think they're trying to hide something just because they don't post a pic?

If that's what you think, that might be generally true for the most part, BUT PLEASE consider another plausible explanation as well (may not be true for many, but might be for a few like me)....

There are some people (women) who have posted their pics and just by that sheer virtue alone end up getting an OVERWHELMING response from it. Many of those replies come from stalkers, sickos, desperados and/or nut jobs, or basically from people who don't read your basic wants from a profile and just end contacting you anyway & thus wasting your time. But the weirdos are the worst. Who needs that carp? So sometimes we think it's better to keep that photo hidden for a while to keep the weirdos at bay, and share it later on to someone more deserving when you feel that you click with them and they seem genuine interested too.

And ask yourself this, is a photo a pre-requisite to just initial communications online? If so, why? If you are finding yourself dwelling on looks alone, or putting looks first, before even communicating with anyone.... then I say searching for a date or s.o. online is not for you (not to mention, take a hard look at yourself in the mirror too lol). You're better off keeping your search off-line where you can make your preference for looks your top priority before you approach that person.

I certainly don't mean to make this sound mean-spirited, not my intention at all, just trying to be very realistic & frank about it is all.

But I've found that some people don't get it though, even when you try to honestly put it that way. They'll always keep missing or passing up the good ones and continue meeting the wrong ones, just because they require a photo first before communicating. Then they wonder why. Not all of us who don't post photos are not trying to hide anything or it's not a bad sign of any other sort for that matter. You might just be bypassing a really good looking person who is just simply shy or a very private person or is just trying to keep the weirdo replies at bay. (or maybe also might be someone who really is computer & digital camera illiterate, as I know some of my friends still are lol). Just remember next time you don't see a pic, that maybe, just maybe some of us have other different reasons for not posting pics like I briefly explained above.

Well, hope I gave ya'll some food for thought, not sure I'll find my way back here again though ;-)

Posted by: Mesmeriiis at November 15, 2004 06:19 AM

Just wanted to say another thing about photos and online dating.

I get described as being attractive by girls Ive dated and girls who are friends. Part of this is because Im in excellent shape for my age (33). But Im not very photogenic, not sure why, I just always look kinda funny in face only photos.

Ive met girls online who's pictures looked kinda funny as well, and they turned out to be quite attractive. And some girls looked great in their photos, but when meeting them I realized that they must have taken them ages ago!

So I guess what I am saying is that if the person sounds cool, and there is nothing obviously un attractive about the person ( like for instance they are obese, or bald and that disgusts you ), take a shot at meeting them. is pretty much a meat market, so if your photos dont do you justice, you probably wont meet many people there. Its just too tempting the way the site is setup to bring up a photo gallery of hundreds of singles and just click on people that look hot. The people that I know that use successfully are pretty much just looking for hookups, people to party and have fun with, fool around with. Serious relationship seekers need not apply.

Posted by: DMC at November 15, 2004 01:33 PM

Update: I've cancelled my e-harmony membership for a few reasons:

a) After reading the comments here and looking at my matches I became highly suspicious. Most of the names are quite similar -- monosyllabic, generic names like "Steve" and "Jim," with several repeats.

b) I've given it some thought and have decided to focus on myself for a while and not worry about "looking." My last relationship ended recently and was quite painful, so this isn't the time anyway.

c) The quality of the matches has been going progressively downhill. The first ones seemed great, but the majority of them look like duds.

My request for a refund went through on the website, so I expect it to be there.

Posted by: Tiger at November 16, 2004 11:48 AM

Mesmeriiis - point taken about my "picture" comment. I met 2 women who didn't post a picture and they turned out to not look anything like they described. I guess maybe I should rephrase and say beware of those who won't offer a picture. I'd have to agree with J.S. about the whole feeling of rejection when a ton of people view your profile and you get no responses. I'm not a bad looking guy and don't really have a problem meeting women. I've got a 3 year old who's with me half of the time so I see online dating as a good way to screen people and get a feel for them prior to going out. I signed up for EH but will definitely be cancelling either tonight or tomorrow, just before my 7 days. You can't tell me that there's only 2 "matches" within 60 miles of friggin Pittsburgh! Funny thing is that I went to cancel and got online with the "live chat" and changed my mind, then I got 2 matches that night. I think they just string you along to keep you hooked. I wouldn't even doubt that some of these "closed" matches after the first few step are just them keeping you hooked. One major thing I've noticed with women online though is that they are NOT interested in a guy with a kid at all. Even the women with a kid already! I've not run into the same reception in normal dating though. I think I'm done with online dating. It seems to kill your self-esteem more than anything.

Posted by: Joe at November 16, 2004 06:02 PM

Conspiracy Theorists UNITE

First off I wish to thank everyone for all of these posts on this blog about Internet dating.

I personally, have had little success in utilising Match. Several years ago I tried match, ( in it's infancy??) and was promply bumped aside with a potential match or two, usually post "picture send".

No big ego here to stroke so, no harm done....unless your a company like Match, hoping for another, client! (paying that is). Luckily enough for me, this was back in the mid to late 90's where free membership was the norm, to a point. This was all great therapy in helping disolve the beginnings of a particularly ugly divorce process. (managed to not loose too much coin there either!!!) :~)

Anyway, recently had been thinking of the E-Harmony thing, ( after WAy too many of Dr.Warrens smiley faced adverts)(should I take the viagra first and then log on or visa-versa??)
and after wondering about the cost, and wanting to get things moving in a more forward direction, I set up a user name with EH to take the profile, which I knew upon completion of said, would then lead me to their pricing plans.

Now I'm all for getting something for nothing, and their assessement of me was pretty correct, ( completely computer generated???) however, before plinking down any coinage, I googled EH and thank goodness, found Y'all! (Did I mention THANK YOU!......????

Now to my conspiracy theory:

I've paid nothing, and have yet to even log back in. I did make sure to tic off the box in "the questionair" that I AM NOT ready to recieve matches, thus, no further emails to my address about their services.
However, does anybody else here feel a bit queezy about an organisation such as EH now having a modest personality profile of a person, ( man )( too much chest hair to prove it), their email address, of which can easily be traced back through that ISP to the end user, putting profile with actual human being??

Is this information truly safe?

Are we being profiled by some right wing faction??

Will all Ohio votes ever truly be counted???

Do I have enough clean underwear for the remainder of the week????????????????

I'm a great guy, living out life here in the South, (Charlotte representing!) and am just not prissy enough for most, with a possible case of adult ADD, (which should only be properly diagnosed by a physician)(or so I've read)!

But I do have genuine reserves about EVER going forward with EH, Match, or any other "unreal" form of actually meeting nice folks........Exept all of you of course! :~)

Thank you all once more for that jingling sound in my's the sound of Money I refuse to waste!!!!! Thanks Curt!


Posted by: Oranguice at November 16, 2004 06:21 PM

To Dale: I have to be honest with you, babe. I'm overweight and would never date a man who can't even spell "too". Buy a dictionary or go back to the 2nd grade. I've a Masters degree, well-read, heart of gold, and in Dr. Warren's own words, I am EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, as I am 3 things: kind, generous, and truthful. Before you short attention spanners join eH, read about emotional health on page 111 of Dr. Warren's book, DATE...OR SOUL MATE? HOW TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS WORTH PERSUING IN TWO DATES OR LESS. You need to offer more than a slender frame and a washboard stomach, those are a dime a dozen. After reading reviews here an especially on edatereview, first of all TOO many of men are not intelligent enough for me, book smart, and still others sport a VERY MEAN SPIRIT. I would do Dallas before I would ever ever do a man with a mean spirit. Also, there are many, many men of all ages that are not overweight, and I'm not attracted to them, and many times am repelled - why - Maybe I don't like their facial features, perhaps they lack sex appeal, are not nice, morally decent, or have intellect. Poor spellers really turn me off (I'm not kidding!) And pushing all drool aside, when you marry, remember that you have to live with the person who's inside. Oh, BTW, there's a fugitive on FBI.GOV who killed his wife and kids and set their house on fire. But he's described as "physically fit". Any takers?

Posted by: Jenny at November 16, 2004 08:28 PM

I agree with you 100% Mesmeriiis! I don't post my picture for the exact same reason. I figure the guy that is interested by my profile alone may be someone with the values I seek in a man. I'm not saying that physical attraction isn't important, but someone that seems to initially be more interested in WHO I am rather than what I look like appeals to me greatly.

And to Joe I say......I must be in the minority. I'm looking for a man (preferably one that has been married) that's got a kid or kids. Also I had a situation similar to yours in people's appearance. I have only met one person I met on the dating sites....mind you he had a picture. That picture must have been 20 years old as I would have never recognized him when we met. Good thing I shared a CURRENT picture before we met! lol

33 and still lookin'

Posted by: Stephanie at November 17, 2004 12:42 AM

To Oranguice, about your concerns with eH having your profile ... take heart. Their profiles are all so freakin' generic, that yours applies to about half a million people on the planet.

To Jenny, who finds Dale a mean-spirited lout ... don't let him get to you. As one well-endowed educated woman to another, we all know his type is legion. We don't even appear on his radar screen, nor he on ours. There is balance in the universe!

To Joe, who can't get a date because he has a child ... me, too, although I would welcome a man with a child into my life to create a blended family. Hang in there. Nice women exist, even though it may be hard to tell that from your online experiences.

anima in Orlando

Posted by: anima at November 17, 2004 04:29 AM

E-Harmony's "29 dimensions of compatability" is simply a standard statistical procedure called an ANOVA test. Sociologists and others who analyze survey results use it all the time. There's no secret to it; it's simply a means of measuring the similarities between the ways that people answer questions (and NOT the similarities between a "compatibility dimension" whatever the hell that is). I took the personality test several times (I was bored one night) and deliberately answered it in a different manner each time, just to see if I truly did get different matches/individuals. However, I eventually got the same old matches on each one. They just dust off and throw out the same damn women regardless of the ways in which you answer the questions - so it's not even a true ANOVA procedure (or a very loose one).

Posted by: John at November 17, 2004 04:34 PM

I joined eHarmony 3 months ago. I've had around 40 matches, none of whom have initiated communication with me. I've attempted to communicate with most of them (the super-religious excluded), regardless of age/distance/photos/kids/degree of literacy, etc. and only 2 have ever replied. They were both 12 years older than me--I'm 34. One of them just stopped writing and the other, well, just didn't work out.

I think the most frustrating thing is that I've had a couple of matches that I really wanted to get to know, but that put me on hold or closed me out right away. Ironically, I shared a number of interests with this one guy and we had even read the same quirky authors. His profile looked like something I might have written. (Conspiracy?) To top it off, he lived within 50 miles (closer than all my other matches)! He put me on hold the first day--"I'm just not sure right now..." and I never heard from him.

I've tweaked my profile. I've uploaded new pictures. I've tried it without the pictures. It doesn't seem to make any difference. Question for the guys out there who have started communication on eHarmony: what was it about the woman's profile that made you think, "Hmmm. I think I will write to this one."?

Posted by: Kay at November 19, 2004 07:52 PM

Hey Kay,
In response to your Question about what a guy will respond to in a personals ad, for myself anyway, would be very much what you've described already. "We even read the same quirky authors", and the like are ideal in making a match this way. At least is prime area to "get the ball rolling". After reading so much here on this page about EH, I honestly feel that EH and the like are but a scam, separating Human from Funds:

:~) - $$$ = :^(

I feel in order for edating to work, THE SITE that one is attempting to utilise must be trustworthy and have a good reputation, only really verifiable by friends and blogs such as this one.......More work that must be researched in order to sort out something that requires more work..........Great.....just what I need....more freakin' work!!!!!!

Still trying to sort out things myself, and have had no success, although I do put very little time into this.

Just be yourself gal, and someone HONEST should appear. I'm a hippocrate myself, thinking that a gals personality will jump off the page at me but that's bull!......when I do have time to surf, I browse through a few pictures, then read a few profiles, then say heck with it, and go get another cup of coffee......
Says volumes about what I still need to learn!!!
Real life....that's where it's at least thats my philosophy for the moment. Lots of parties and mixers this time of year, thats your best avenue of approach.

Gotta go....and get another cup of coffee....

Hope this Helps!

Posted by: Oranguice at November 20, 2004 06:35 AM

Boy, some very interesting comments here. I was within an inch of abusing myself and becoming a member again, but it was great to read (I read about 95%) the comments here. Here goes:
In 2003 I decided to pony up some cash to be a member. Winked here and there, got shot down and all that. One women I initiated contact with wasn't really my type, but seemed like there could have been a possibility. She had a really crappy attitude and was adamant to know why I have custody and my ex-wife doesn't. I was as polite as could be, but she dropped off the planet. Only one woman I initiated contact with was honest enough to say she doesn't date men with children for fear she would be as attached to them as with her previous boyfriend's. Fine. I did meet someone for lunch one afternoon, but this woman was off-hit. All she kept doing was talking about her many years ended divorce and asking about my ex-wife. She then had the nerve to call me later and say that maybe I just need a friend and not a girlfriend, because I "still have rage towards my ex-wife". That's funny, because a month after my divorce I had a relationship of almost 2 years.

OK, so earlier here in 2004 I decided to subscribe to e-Harmony. No matches, no matches, JACKPOT. The problem is most of them were as far away as Hawaii (I am in Oklahoma). One woman in Hawaii and I went all the way through the Stages of Communication to Open Communication. What peeved me is that she didn't have a pic, while I had about 4 of me posted. She kept stringing me along with all these "reasons" she didn't have a pic posted. I got fed up with all that and closed her out. After a couple of months of closing matches too far away, I limited my search to a 500 mile radius. One thing I decided is that I am in no position to move, and I sincerely doubt anyone is going to uproot his/her children to marry someone hundreds of miles away. Sure you read about it all the time on these dating sites, but wouldn't you all agree that is the *hook* they use to lure us suckers? So, through the late spring and summer I am getting matches, but the ones who I really wanted to meet wouldn't respond to communication (sound familiar, Kay?).

One aspect of this online approach that I've noticed is this:
1) All women "Love to laugh". What the hell does that mean? What you find humorous might not be what I find humorous.
2) 98% of these women say that friends and family are important. RED FLAG. That tells me the apron strings to mama haven't been cut and you can't lead your own life.
3) 98% of the women (at least in Oklahoma) spend their time at one the the 4 nasty lakes.
4) I go through the trouble of trying to provide as much information as possible for my profile, while most all of the women write a few scant sentences.

As pointed out earlier, if you go back to the service after 3 months, 6 months, and maybe 10 months, the same suspects are *still* there! I've seen this on Yahoo personals,, and a couple of other sites. Ever notice how these people leave "clues" to these other dating sites where "all the action is"? I went to one just for grins, and right away you have to establish an account. No thanks.

I finally got fed up with the people on e-Harmony after 8 months and cancelled my account. Of course, I wasn't entitled to a refund, because "we guarantee you'll get XX number of matches, blah, blah, blah........." Screw it. I am not lonely, I just live alone (with my son). Lonely people are the ones to avoid.

I found the following link when I Googled "eharmony sucks"

Posted by: Gary at November 20, 2004 07:09 AM

I've been at eHarmony for 14 months and nothing. I had **three** dates out of dozens of (poor) matches. And only one of those went on to the second date. I have no faith in their scientific matching.

Now here's what is so frustrating.

I'm a successful author, full time writer and lecturer. I'm tall, fit, athletic, feminine, educated, articulate, conversant, interesting, well-traveled, successful and smart. My friends tell me I'm a real catch. But I feel like such a loser when I see those ads for eHarmony.

Apparently, I'm the only woman on earth who can't be matched via this amazing eHarmony.

The first man I met said, "I don't want a relationship but I'd like to have hottie sex with you." He was the flaming Christian who exclaimed the importance of faith in Jesus - in between his pawing and panting.

Man number two was apparently hit by a bus, suffered amnesia and then picked up by aliens (after our first date). We had a lovely dinner date, a tender kiss and then he evaporated and was never seen again.

Man number three was the closest to a score. A successful attorney in a town 110 miles from my home, he was kind, decent and not intimidated by my fantastic career. However, he found someone he liked better and I got ditched like a leper with aids.

That's it. Hundreds of dollars, billions of emails, a thousand phone calls and one real prospect.

I wrote a note to eHarmony and their response was, "intelligent women are tougher to match."

Nice try.

Anyway, I've had it with eHarmony. I've had much better luck with and even that hasn't been easy. But I've met several guys with whom I became long term friends. In fact, I met one man I had a relationship with for 3+ months, but we parted friends, realizing it wasn't headed to marriage.

I'm so glad to find this site!!!!


Posted by: Rosemary Thornton at November 20, 2004 05:03 PM

Hey Kay,
You asked so....
I probably respond to about 75% of the girls that contacted me via EHarmony. The ones that I close or decide not to communicate with are...

1.) Girls who I can see from their photos are obese. I know this sounds superficial, but I work out 6 days a week, eat healthy, and do a LOT of active stuff. There are LOTS of guys out there that are not in the condition I am in that would make a better match for these girls.

2.) Girls that have pictures of them drinking or partying - or have drinking related activities in their favorite things. I hate party girls - they are all liars and superficial selfish people who only want a relationship with guys to brag to their friends.

3.) Girls that look extremly attractive. I know this is hard to believe but the girls I have dated that are extremly attractive act like I am so lucky to be with them that they can treat me like shit. Better off to leave them for the pretty boys who cheat on them and give them self confidence problems. They are usually lame in bed also.

Oh and to Rosemary "ThortonRose", sounds to me you are just picky. If you only went on 3 dates from 1000's of emails, it tells me you did a lot of turning down as well. Im not saying this is bad, IMO you should not settle - thats the worst mistake people make.

Posted by: DMC at November 21, 2004 01:24 PM

Let's face it - it's about both physical appearance and personality. If you don't post your photo on something like e-harmony, I'm suspicious right away. I think I speak for most guys.

Posted by: Rob at November 21, 2004 03:21 PM

I'll rule people out based on appearance, but I think some people are too arbitrary about it. I'll read profiles without photos and if they show personality (and aren't the "can you keep up work hard play hard love to laugh equally comfortable wearing hiking clothes and dinner dress" homogenized crap) I might write. But I'll usually need to see a pic before meeting, or at least a pretty honest physical description.

Posted by: tunesmith at November 21, 2004 03:39 PM

Unfortunately, Eharmony has proved to be a rather bogus service.

I joined some time ago, used it for three months, and received 70 matches. Approximately 65 of those matches never responded to my attempt to communicate, so I closed them out. The remaining five ultimately closed me out, or I closed them out.

Then, November 19, 2004, I rejoined and paid my $49.95 fee for one month. Again, all I got was approximately 24 matches who never responded to me, so I closed them out. November 24, 2004, I tried to invoke their seven day money back guarantee to get a refund of my $49.95. They now refuse to grant the refund, saying it was not my initial membership period. However, their FAQ regarding the refund mentions no such limitation. When I pointed that out to them, they said they would refer that problem to their development team, but they still refuse me the refund. As a result, I now will be contacting the California Department of Consumer Affairs to request they intervene in this matter. I am contacting the State of California because Eharmony is located in Pasadena, California.

A separate issue is the fact one of my last matches was with a lady I already know who has been on Eharmony for 7-8 months. If I matched this lady, WHY did they delay sharing the match with me???? I believe they delay sharing matches to elongate the amount of time a person spends with Eharmony.

If you go with Eharmony, I wish you good luck, but you definitely must be wary.

Posted by: Tom at November 25, 2004 05:50 PM

Conspiracy or Good Intentions?

It is my opinion that EH & Match are all complete fakes. I have tried both and found the majority of the accounts to be fakes. Fakes with respect to creation by the oweners of the web sites. These fake accounts are meant to attract the lonely, the broken hearted, those seeking a new start. I am sure these sites make MILLIONS each year. Are they doing the single of this nation a service or are they preying on the human desire to not be alone? I would bet huge money on the preying on those of us that aren't having much luck finding the "most compatible" =)

However, an ugly car is better than no car when you have to get 15 miles to work so if you need these sites go for it. Just remember that an extremely small percentage of the accounts are legit. And secondly, divide everything someone says on the Internet in half. In other words if she says 120 add 25. If he says it has been 3 months since his last relationship, it is really only 3 days. Assume the worst and you won't be disappointed by antipication; yet potentially thrilled by success?!?

A 30 something Male

Posted by: Rich at November 25, 2004 08:41 PM

I have been with something called for about 2 months with very little sucess. the most confusing part for me is when i am CONTACTED thru their e-mail process by a promising female. i then in turn send back an e-mail to them and they do not respond! are they sending out abunch of mail to see what they get back or are they sending me a "wink" without checking closely my profile? i am ready to try something else, maybe

Posted by: bob at November 27, 2004 08:29 PM

Not a complete solution but I have tried and it is not too bad. Best of all it is free. Mostly a younger crowd from Canada.

Posted by: Bobbarry at November 28, 2004 06:58 AM

Easy to start, hard to quit. That's a formula for addictions and frauds, including the free-trial and periodic-contract techniques crafted by clever selling organizations., for example, doesn't require action to extend a free trial into a paid service; it requires the customer's action to stop the extension from taking place. What action? When subscribing for a free trial, the customer agrees to comply with the (as-yet unspecified) instructions on's Web site in order to quit. When quitting, the customer finds the instructions buried, and finally learns that completing a Web form isn't enough. The customer is also required to place a telephone call to to "confirm" the subscription termination. The customer in Nepal or elsewhere outside the toll-free calling area certainly hasn't been previously informed that this termination would cost money for a phone call. And the customer inside the toll-free area finds that the line on the end is repeatedly busy, making the placement of this required call impossible. Let's say the customer sends an email message to reporting this problem and confirming in writing (which is usually considered more definitive than any oral statement) the desire to quit. No good: ignores that message and transmits a charge to the customer's charge account. Thereafter, either ignores written complaints or replies to them perfunctorily with canned messages that ignore the customer's statements, and each message that does get a reply gets it from a different person (or fictional name).

This technique is widely practiced in other industries, too. AOL makes its customers remember to quit; otherwise, they automatically join. Minolta gave my business a free trial on a copier, withdrew from contact until after the end of the free trial, claimed we hadn't terminated by the deadline, proceeded to bill us for 5 years worth of lease payments, threatened to sue us for the money, and even removed a page from its copy of the contract where we had written in an opt-in clause. Some elevator maintenance contracts are written for five-year terms and renew automatically for five years if the customer doesn't cancel by ninety days before the termination. Many other service and subscription contracts have similar (more often one-year) auto-renew clauses. Almost never have I seen a seller that uses such a contract actually remind the customer of its imminent and soon-to-vanish opportunity to quit. Companies using such contracts can rely on the fact that very few customers (1) have calendar systems in place that will remind them of deadlines that are months or years away and (2) actually read contracts in their entireties and transfer renewal-deadline information into their calendar systems. The vast majority will simply roll over (in both senses) even if they've been dissatisfied.

I'm not aware of any organization that certifies contracts for consumer-friendliness. Anybody seen one? It could refuse to certify contracts with clauses like these, and consumers could insist on certified contracts as soon as at least some sellers in an industry offered them.

Posted by: Jonathan Pool at November 28, 2004 10:36 AM

Does anyone have any info on this new E-H knockoff, Tickle Marriage?

Upon observation the matching sysytem is amost identical to E-, but they wouldn't tell me what the subsciption fees were.Not yet, until I filled out the quetsionaire...

If you have any leads on Tickle Marriage and the price compared to Eharmony, fire away! I'm very curious.


Posted by: Edie Cieutat at December 7, 2004 09:39 AM

I booked a trip over the Thanksgiving weekend on United Airlines and, just after paying for the ticket, I Googled, "United Airlines Sucks" only to find a plethora of sites and posts on how crappy United Airlines is. I sort of wish they truly had sucked because I would have Googled, "eHarmony sucks" before paying the membership.

I was sucked in to eHarmony after a bad relationship over the summer with a cute girl who was hypercritical and not overly bright. I had been introduced to her by a friend and they thought we'd be great together. After two and a half months of her telling me to shave more closely, pluck my eyebrows, wash my shower towel after every use and a host of other things along with hearing the grueling stress associated with filing patient files alphabetically where she worked, I thought a 29 dimension matching criteria thingamajig might be able to do a better job than my friend did.

I sat on eHarmony idly and watched the kinds of women who were signing up as they promptly closed me out because I had not posted a photo. I saw that these women were doctors and not file clerks. They were teachers and psychiatrists and business managers. I signed up and opened commuication with a few women right away and about five others opened communication with me.

Two weeks later, the emails from the one I was most interested in have stopped. It's only been a few days, but we started at a fast pace, so this stoppage seems significant. The others are all stalled at the second or third stage of communication. On top of that, there are 9 or so who I opened communication with who have not responded.

Every day, I get exactly four new matches in my email inbox. I wonder how 29 dimensions and several million members equates to exactly four new matches each week. Nonetheless, these are four new matches each day that I just let sit there. I am waiting to see if any of them open communication with me. It is just a game at this point. Well, if it weren't for the fact that it does not cost much, I would say it is even worse than eHarmony. As others have noted, the same stale profiles have been on there for the last year or so. When I was dating the alphabetically-challenged file clerk over the summer, I scrapped my profile. After that went south (in less than 3 months), I was surprised to find that I could reactivate my profile exactly as I had written it several months earlier.

I searched and found that the same profiles from 3 months prior were all still there with very few exceptions.

The thing with is that, as a man, you are better off opening a Word document, typing your email to the woman you're interested in, then closing it without saving your changes. At least that way you would not waste any time hoping for a response.

As far as online dating, I am done with it. I think I will edit my profile to say that, in my spare time, I enjoy sending emails to people knowing full well that they will not reply.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Time to ditch online dating and head back to the bars.

Posted by: Matt at December 8, 2004 04:29 PM

My experiences with eHarmony and

I took the test on eHarmony a few months ago. It seemed mostly accurate, but there were some parts where it was wrong. Although I didn't get any immediate matches, they started coming in the next day, at a rate of one or two per day. I decided I didn't have time to deal with this, so I didn't join.

Recently I decided to jump on the offer of $50 for three months. In my seven day trial period, I received some ten matches. Most of them sounded OK, but I have to say that the information provided by the questions on the profile isn't very useful.

NOTE TO WOMEN: The profiles which attracted me the most were ones where the women used humor in their responses. It made them seem human instead of a list of standard responses. I'll admit I didn't work that hard on my own profile, probably because I was toying with the system (not that I didn't mean to be serious with the women I encountered).

One closed the match before I could look at her profile. Some didn't respond to communication. (None of this bothered me - they have every right to close it out, as I do.) Several did, though. One I got almost through to open communcation with, but I didn't like her pictures. It's not that she was unattractive, she just wasn't my type. I hesitated to close it out, at first.

But then I realized I was too busy in real life to be dealing with communicating with all these matches, and trying to keep them straight, when most of them sound the same. I don't like going through several rounds of communication, only to find I don't like their picture. I mean, it would be better for both of us if we could have cut it off up front. I'm meeting women in real life, and I don't have any problem getting phone numbers, so why do I need this on top of it?

eHarmony is supposed to help you focus on what's on the inside, before you see the picture. That's fine, but she'll have to be damn impressive to attract me with her words first. And I don't have time to deal with 1-2 matches per day. I would rather meet women as I go about my life.

I tried to close my account online, but you had to have a Live Chat with a representative, and Live Chat was closed, even though their hours were in force. I sent an e-mail, then called the next day, and my account was closed. I was told a refund will be issued soon, and I was given a confirmation number.

As for, I joined a few years ago. I never get any winks or e-mails from women, and rarely have my e-mails elicited a response. I think this is because I am picky, and the women I am contacting are probably getting deluged with e-mails, and because I haven't written very many women. It is also possible they are not members and cannot write back.

However, I am a good-looking 32-year-old man, with interesting hobbies, plenty of education, make a decent amount of money and have lots of prospects for the future. I also have a very well-written profile (it's been reviewed by several people), and write personal, meaningful e-mails to women. So I think it is just a matter of me writing to more women in order to get a result.

I sometimes get caught in the trap of cruising for women to put into my favorites and never writing them. It gets mind-numbing after a while. But, I have too much going on in my life, as I said, so I don't want to spend too much time on the site.

I don't let the lack of responses get to my self-esteem. It's just how the system works. It's a numbers game. I am going to stick to meeting people in shared activities, in the coffee shop, supermarket, at parties, or anywhere. Every once in a while I'll write someone on It's like buying a scratch-off ticket. You don't expect something to happen, but it would be nice. :)

Posted by: Lyle at December 8, 2004 07:04 PM

Other sites:

Tickle by eMode:
On this site, I just sat back and about once a month, a woman would contact me. But I was rarely interested in her. I had a hard time finding women on this site I was attracted to, unlike
This site is fun and can be addictive. Like Tickle, I'd get women contacting me on this site. This site has a neat double-match rule. If someone selects you as a match, you have to pick them as a match as well before you can communicate, and vise-versa. The biggest problem? You get about a one-paragraph profile. There is no searching based on criteria, so it is almost all about looks. So, you can waste your time clicking on people that look good, setting up a double-match, communicating and finding out you have nothing in common. That's the flip-side of the problem with eHarmony.

Posted by: Lyle at December 8, 2004 07:10 PM

Lyle, I hear you on the well-written, thoughtful emails to the women at as well as the cruising for favorites aspect. I basically got tired of putting in the effort to write a well thought out email addressing specific points of interest in a woman's profile only to get no response. It's not really a matter of getting offended or taking a blow to my self-esteem if I don't get a reply. It's more a question of why even bother writing a decent email. Sometimes, I ponder simply writing "I like your profile" and sending it and waiting for the replies to not float in.

Posted by: Matt at December 8, 2004 08:11 PM

After one year and 8 "matches" I have opted to close my eH account. Only 2 were local (I don't want to drive 6 hours). Two I closed: the first was b/c of his sloppy appearance in his picture: ratty T-shirt, slumped over on a couch & a very poorly written profile. The second, sexual innuendo among the first lines in his self descripton.

Seven, from the U.S. closed their accounts with me very early, one had no reason, the other was too busy, the third, didn't feel chemistry, the fourth and 5th, after open communication started, thought we lived too far. The seventh thought our VALUE SYSTEMS WERE TOO DIFFERENT!!! I agreed but what of the 29 dimensions.

I wrote eH customer service requesting their B.C. Canada demographics, they assured me of an ample client base in my location; I pressed, Customer service responded that they did not have access to that information; I pressed again: ask somone who does; Their response, a long (i believe) form letter, indicating that my match preferences may be exclusionary i.e. ethnocentric (they weren't); religiously narrow (again, no, I'm evangelical and live in the Bible belt; should be lots of Christians herer, da ya think?); and that my distance requirements may be restrictive (at that time I had set "the world).

I've heard that eH's client base has 2x more women than men...hmmm, that tells me something.

However, I suspect that at least 3 who "disconnected" after open communication began and my picture appeared, they were more looking for some of the fine people who eat organically and exercise vigorously (even though I suspect some of these gentlemen never met a carrot themselves). Why then don't they go to the gym, or Christian kick boxing, or organize an exercise event for people in their church and choose a mate from that milieu?

Anyway, I've chosen to enroll in an introduction service: very expensive, but (hopefully) with much more potential.

Eh doesn't suck, it's just undersubscribed by men with at times unrealistic expectations.

All the best, Glorya

Posted by: Glorya at December 10, 2004 01:39 PM

I joined eh about 4 weeks ago and have received about 60 matches. I'd say about 75% closed right away by me or them, but probably had various degree of communication with 15 or 20 women so far. I have been on 4 dates by now, and am now on my 4th date with an absolutely gorgeous and wonderful woman, who seems to be a perfect match so far. She by the way did not reveal her photo until open communication. Simply because she did not want to picked for her looks she later told me. Eh has been a great experience, and I can recommend it highly. Sorry to see others are having bad luck

Posted by: Instanzz at December 11, 2004 08:14 PM

Instanzz....I can't help but wonder. If you are on a date with an absolutely gorgeous and wonderful woman, what are you doing posting on the blog at 8:14 on a Saturday night??

Ms. Wonderful must have slipped away to powder her nose... :)

Posted by: c-ya at December 11, 2004 09:48 PM

We had tried using personality tests in our agency during the early stages. But it didn't seem to work to use. Too often the men weren't looking for a match but someone who was a little different or a challenge. This is why our matchmaking service is based on mutual attraction and likes. Not a test.

It is best to get to know the ladies first. Use video chat, letters, and search for the look that you like. I've always enjoyed tall, blue eyes blonde and today I am married to one.

If I can be of any help to you guys email me at, call me 352 266-8155 or visit my site at . I started out the same way you guys did.

Kevin Hayes

Posted by: khersongirls at December 12, 2004 08:37 PM

Here is a balanced view of eharmony. I believe that much of the disappointment expressed here about eharmony is due to inflated expectations. Did you really think that the "personality test" would somehow find your "soulmate" in a week? Get real. Regarding the number of matches: If you live in Podunk Iowa, how many matches do you expect? I get tons of matches that live near me. Yes, many of them are too old, but I simply close those out. It sometimes works the other way--sometimes I get closed out (especially before I posted my photos). But who cares? It's hit or miss, just like finding partners through other methods.

I have never tried, but a friend of mine said that the ratio of women to men was so low that it is hard to get responses from women. I think that is a benefit of eharmony.

Yes, some "matches" have not signed up and therefore cannot respond. Who cares? Just move on to the next match.

Eharmony is a fun little diversion. Today I responded to a woman who listed "my awesome body" as one of her "things I am most thankful for". Hilarious. Lighten up people!

Posted by: Tom at December 16, 2004 07:16 PM

I appreciate the comments above. I've actually done well on Match in the past, so if I may offer some friendly suggestions....

I did what the people above described - really put some thought, personality, humor and honesty into my ad. I also took the approach that (1) I hadn't done so well picking men so far in my life so I probably ought to be very open-minded about accepting offers and (2) every meeting was an opportunity to spend an hour or so learning something about someone else and also myself - what I like, what I'm looking for in a relationship, etc. I don't interrogate and pass instant judgments on people I meet in other circumstances, so why should this be different? It's a chance to just get acquainted and decide whether there's a basis for continuing to get acquainted. Nothing more.

I had lots of offers for second, third dates, etc. with guys that were at least "acceptable." I spent the last nine months in a steady LTR with one who really struck a chord. Unfortunately, it ended a week ago which is why I started thinking about eHarmony.

This brings me full circle. (Apologies to those of you who feel like it was a long or, worse yet, tedious ride.) Thanks for the advice. I'll stick with Match.


Posted by: Jasreth at December 18, 2004 06:39 PM

"Yes, some "matches" have not signed up and therefore cannot respond. Who cares? Just move on to the next match." - Tom at December 16, 2004 07:16 PM

I'll tell you why people care, because they're lead to believe there is another person, a match, out there. No one who posted negative comments about e-Harmony stated they expected a soulmate within a week. They stated frustration and deception with the system.
I noticed the Tuesday/Thursday flood control release of matches as well. Some would trickle in one odd days. I was also concerned that some matches appeared to have been on the system for a while before being matched with me. Don't tell me it's "a lot of data for the computer to process", because I work as a programmer, so I know better. I was frustrated by matches who seemed to be almost perfect fits, only to see them "hang" while I waited for them to respond to my initial contact.
Women can be a superficial as men, and if you don't believe me, check out some of the profiles on I've seen women put in their profiles such statements as "I am very pretty", or "I need someone whose looks match mine". I love the "salary requirements" women have when looking for a partner. I earn a respectable amount of money where I live, but I'll be dammed if I tell someone up front how much I make.

Posted by: Gary at December 19, 2004 06:47 AM

Gary: It is obvious which "matches" are paying customers and which are not. "Matches" with most questions answered on their profile and their photos posted are paying customers. You should not expect responses from the others.

I don't mind that I receive matches spread out, rather than receiveing 200 matches all on the first day. Of course eharmony does not deluge people with every single match on the first day.

Regarding salary--this is no different from meeting people in face to face situations. Women assess your earnings in face-to-face situations. They may not ask you for a dollar figure, but they look at your place, the car you drive, the clothes you wear, and your profession. Therefore, you should not be too sensitive that eharmony asks this. What's wrong with simply stating your salary?

And yes, women care about appearance. Why does this surprise you?

Posted by: Tom at December 19, 2004 07:27 AM

Ya know, I'm going to put my 2 cents in and then some.

Ok first I want you all to know where I'm comming from here. I'm a 36 year old straight not so bad looking guy (who am I to rate myself) who just would like to meet a Down to earth girl out my way. (NY) as well as other in my opinion is full of people looking for free rides. The same people are there year after year. All the girls I dated with the exception of 1 or 2 just make a game out of it.

The internet made it too conveniant for people to dismiss you over anything. Examples, these people want rich, hard bodied, pin ups. And then they toy with them too.

As an example. Just before I decided enough was enough. I went and had some really professional photos done, beefed up my income, and vola! Suddenly I was getting mail every hour.

That shows me one thing..... very shallow people.

I will not rule out there are some good people on there. Maybe but they are almost non existant.

So, reality says, I rather be single. Christ, I'm not looking for a rich girl or a model, I just want a soulmate for life. I wouldn't even think of toying with peoples feelings.

All the internet dating did for me is teach me that if I do meet a girl and fall for her, may she never like nor use a computer. I'm even sorry I learned how to use one......

Computers are really ruining lives. I could go on and on (SMS "phone messages" , IM, ect....) Whats wrong with all these people????

If I were anything remotely like em, I could never live with myself.

Posted by: Chris at December 19, 2004 03:31 PM

Greetings. I was cojoled into joining eH about a year ago. About that time I helped a friend research a master's thesis on internet dating (she got an A) and I learned a great deal. I concluded that it is efficient and entertaining, but is not without its own pitfalls. To their credit, of the 100s of matches I've gotten, those whom I spoke with or met have shared an almost instant rapport. Our conversations, level of energy, and values have been right on. Since eH does not stoop to physical details aside from your height, there are surprises. I met a talented gal on eH who later moved to my state. On meeting in person, she outweighed me by 25 lbs. Though I was a gentleman, I elected not to pursue a 2nd date. It's said that men fib about their age, and women fib about their weight. A photo may, or may not, help. True, garbage in/garbage out, but in general, personality matching is impressive. The major flaw I have seen is their atrocious messaging system. They try to keep you in their system as long as possible, but have no way of sorting or deleting messages or mis-matches. After a while, there is tremendous clutter and one misses the active matches amongst the chaf. I write feedback on this almost daily, but they are not very responsive. My 2 cents. Best of luck! Wes.

Posted by: Wes at December 22, 2004 06:25 AM

So, I'm tyring to find a decent on-line service to get a gift subscription to for two friends, both large, who are basically afraid of the dating scene due to their weight. Both smart, mid-thirties, well-kept (except weight), upper-income earners, varied interests, etc.
Anyone have any recommendations since eharmony seems quite possibly fake? If not, anyone know of any eH deals so I don't loose too much money on a possible scam?
I just want to get the two of them 'out there' and started up again.

Posted by: sherry at December 22, 2004 11:51 AM

Honestly Sherry,

Just take them out. Its a known fact that being out with friends is more fun anyway. And maybe the right person will find them. Its better to just be out there. Never mind what anyone thinks. Life is a one time thing that we remember. And just like a dance floor. Its better to be part of the dancing crowd even if you dont dance well than being stuck on a sideline. Go out be merry and have fun. Its human nature to play and frolic. Computers took this away from most of us. Best of luck :)

Posted by: Chris at December 22, 2004 02:35 PM

What a screwy scheme runs, letting subscribers contact non-subscribers and expect the non-subscribers to join to reply... I was a subscriber and now I know why I didn't get any replies to my e-mails to other members. Fortunately I was able to resign on time! eHarmony seems a little better, but still not the real thing.. slow and I still have to get past stage 3 in their communication process..

Posted by: Alexis at December 22, 2004 04:57 PM

What a screwy scheme runs, letting subscribers contact non-subscribers and expect the non-subscribers to join to reply... I was a subscriber and now I know why I didn't get any replies to my e-mails to other members. Fortunately I was able to resign on time! eHarmony seems a little better, but still not the real thing.. slow and I still have to get past stage 3 in their communication process..

Alexis, you are so right. I think Tom is either A) full of crap, or B) worked for e-Harmony, which is why he's here talking about what a 'great success' he's had there. I found a few of the matches who I got to open communication with on eH were OK, although one was extremely flaky, seeming to be more busy with her personal life and three daughters than to take some time to get to know me via efficient chatting outside the eH system. Then there were those who didn't post photos (mind you, mine were posted and available at all times) who were all mysterious about putting up a picture.

Again, I'm calling bullshit on Tom. He's had "many" dates from eH? Puh-leaz. I am with many of the other people who post here when they talk about how odd it is that many matches close them out based on "chemistry", "being too busy", and the other lame excuses. I still believe it's odd that eH, which is 'costantly matching your profile to others' delivers matchs on Tuesdays or Thursdays. It wasn't until someone here pointed that out that I remembered that oddity.

Sherry -- save your money. Internet dating, the 'next hot thing' is a sham. Every time I see dating questions on MSN's site posed for Trish, who runs, I want to scream in her face what a full of shit con artist she and her site are. What the hell does she know about successful dating?

Oh yeah, when I signed up for eH I received the two books, authored by "Dr. Clark". I didn't want them, but I read through one of them, and wouldn't you know, the book is an expaned version of what the eH questionnaire covers and eH's philosophy expounds on the website. It's all common sense to dating and marriage - be with someone you like, look for common likes/dislikes, don't waste time with someone you don't seem to have anything in common with nor should you believe you can change someone to suit your tastes/purposes. It's all LAME.

Posted by: Gary at December 22, 2004 05:15 PM

Online dating services are not going to solve all your dating problems. They are just another way to put yourself out there to more people. Some people's expectations of sites like and eharmony are waaaayyyy too high. Personality tests can only reveal so much about a person. I'm not deriding personality tests that eharmony or provide. They do provide some insight into a person only if that person has answered the questions with honesty instead of answering how they would like to be perceived. With personality tests you always have the risk that people don't answer truthfully. Sites like eharmony and can't help that. You still have to put yourself out there to get to know someone rather you meet them on the street or on with the expectation that it might not work out. E-dating is just another avenue and shouldn't be treated like a panacea to all your dating woes.

Posted by: SMS at December 23, 2004 04:41 PM

I received a renewal offer from eharmony. Here is what I sent back to them. . and all of those sitting on the fence, I suggest you NOT JOIN>

Dear e harmoney, ...A quote from your email . . .

Then I kept on trying. I went through a phase where I had no matches. Then I'd have several.

This is the part of your message that is the real kicker. When you have supplied no matches for me that were "real" -- why should I believe you again? You bet I am set on nonrenewal. You took my money and gave me nothing. My problem was believing your ads and your promises. If I were to renew, it would not be a case of innocent neivette -- it would be sheer stupidity on my part. I have better things to do with my money than let eharmony snooker me out of it.
You have not delivered what you promised -- that is the bottom line. . There is an online psychic who also promises a magic spell that will deliver true love. I think I will give my money to her -- it is just as believable and plausible.

Posted by: Mary at December 26, 2004 09:39 AM

Let's face it; these sites are there to make money. The product they sell is companionship and dating. They are not going to set their site up without paying attention to the real purpose -- to make money!

Does anyone have any comment on perfectmatch? I am not renewing eharmony because they made money without delivering a product as they promised.
I understand the economics -- I just don't want to be ripped off.


Posted by: Mary at December 27, 2004 12:35 PM

This post REALLY cracked me up!!

"To Dale: I have to be honest with you, babe. I'm overweight and would never date a man who can't even spell "too". Buy a dictionary or go back to the 2nd grade. I've a Masters degree, well-read, heart of gold, and in Dr. Warren's own words, I am EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, as I am 3 things: kind, generous, and truthful. Before you short attention spanners join eH, read about emotional health on page 111 of Dr. Warren's book, DATE...OR SOUL MATE? HOW TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS WORTH PERSUING IN TWO DATES OR LESS. You need to offer more than a slender frame and a washboard stomach, those are a dime a dozen. After reading reviews here an especially on edatereview, first of all TOO many of men are not intelligent enough for me, book smart, and still others sport a VERY MEAN SPIRIT. I would do Dallas before I would ever ever do a man with a mean spirit. Also, there are many, many men of all ages that are not overweight, and I'm not attracted to them, and many times am repelled - why - Maybe I don't like their facial features, perhaps they lack sex appeal, are not nice, morally decent, or have intellect. Poor spellers really turn me off (I'm not kidding!)"


Tom, it's NOT SUPPOSED TO MATTER if one lives in Podunk, Iowa -- geography is supposed to be MOOT when it comes to on-line matching [haven't you paid attention to those E-Harmony ads? ;) ].

On 11/15/2004 I went through the on-line cancellation process at E-Harmony's website. They sent me a confirmatory e-mail with the link to indicate whether or not you are interested in their "travel offer." BUT I do not recall their being any "confirmation number." It has NOW BEEN SIX WEEKS AND STILL NO REFUND!! I have written Customer Care TWO nasty and threatening e-mails. They'd better cough up my money or they'll be hearing from the FTC, the BBB, and the CA AG's office.

Posted by: Tiger at December 28, 2004 11:14 PM

While Googling for E-H's contact number I ran across this. There are six comments posted, all fairly negative, all echoing the sentiments here.

Posted by: Tiger at December 28, 2004 11:32 PM

Hello, I posted up above (the first Rose to post) - I was sooo disenchanted with eHarmony. I made a decision to stop online dating and get out into the real world. Well, I did keep myself busy and happy with lots of activities, but kept the eHarmony subscription as it was prepaid; I just didn't request communication with anybody.

A few weeks passed, and three very interesting, intelligent and attractive men contacted me all at the same time. One in particular really clicked. We found amazing similarities in interests, lifestyle, goals, values and even backgrounds. This man is everything I ever hoped to find in a partner. On the third date, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. I know it is right. I just wanted people to know that the process, quite surprisingly, can work. My best wishes to all, Rose

Posted by: Rose at December 29, 2004 05:28 PM

I'm a 37 year old male that has been an eHarmony customer for the last 8 months. Wanted to weigh in on the raging discussion here.

The jury is still out on whether the compatibility matching aspect truly works or if they are even honest about their use of it. I have received plenty of matches, but agree that sometimes they just trickle in. I am located in a major metropolitan area so that definitely is in my favor in terms of quantity.

In the last eight months I've gone on 7 or 8 meeting for coffee things and about half ended up working into anything from a few more dates to actually getting intimate in the physical sense. Yes, I'm the type of guy that feels that chemistry in bed is important. Maybe not as important as compatibility and friendship, but a key ingredient nonetheless.

It does irk me to hear that I missed out on negotiating and getting a better rate than I did. I succumbed to a $300.00 for a year offer, but obviously didn't do as well as some of you professional hagglers ;) that made out at 12 bucks a month!

Now for my soapbox moments. An earlier posting by a woman indicated she doesn't think highly of men that desire women younger than them. My last relationship imploded partly due to constant pressure from my GF about marriage and children. I've never been married and have no kids. I do want a lifetime commitment and children. I don't have any desire to get tossed back into the immediate pressure cooker environment that women my age or even in their early thirties sometimes create when they finally decide to settle down. I can empathise with all the pressures that women today deal with. But biology being what it is, if I want to have my own children, the pragmatist in me only allows me to date women that are under 35 and have no children.

The other point I wanted to make is this. Ladies, please post your photos and make them available immediately!!! Another previous poster said that his GF didn't make her picture available till after jumping through multiple hoops, be it on eHarmony or elsewhere. As this board indicates, the online dating world is full of flakes, "plants" by weasely companies, and folks that for whatever random reason suddenly disappear from the face of the earth. For these reasons, one quickly learns to cut through the noise and possible time wasters as quickly as possible. Mutual physical attraction is important to both men and women, and having a recent photo posted will lead to more positive results in the long run. And that applies whether or not you're the prom king and queen type or more average.

-stepping down from said box-

I laughed aloud a few times after reading some of these posts. Funny stuff, and lots of good info. May we all find our special someone....I'm still looking!! Except next time I'm paying Neil Clark Warren a lot less...

Posted by: Stefan at December 30, 2004 03:30 AM

Tiger, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when adding "ing" to "pursue," it becomes "pursuing." Just as the person whose post you found so amusing spelled it in the first place. Perhaps a dictionary wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

Posted by: Amara_Della at December 30, 2004 06:45 AM


Tiger was commenting on Jenny spelling pursuing with an 'e' ("PERSUING"), not her use of -ing.

Now, does anyone have any dating chatter, or has this become the nit-pick club?

Posted by: Spelling Police at December 30, 2004 09:54 AM

Amara_Della: You may have missed the irony that the woman who expressed such a strong dislike for us poor spellers had herself misspelled the word "pursuing" as "persuing".

Anyway--back to eharmony. First, let me clarify that I never claimed "great success" with eharmony. In fact, I believe that Rose's post above (marriage talk after two dates) is the exception. My point was that I signed on to eharmony with much lower expectations than some of the posters here. Therefore, I could take a lighter attitude about it and have not been disappointed.

Yes, I've been "closed" by some of my matches. (For example, my match that listed "my awesome body" as one of her things that she is most thankful for closed me out.) So what? I already have as many matches as I can handle--even after I close out those that are older than me.

Here is the bottom line on eharmony:

1. For men: My response rate is far higher than my friends got on I believe that this is because the ratio of men to women is much more favorable on eharmony. This is a huge reason for men to choose eharmony.

2. For women: If a man invests the time and money required by eharmony, he is more likely to be sincere. Also, men with higher profile jobs (such as mine) are less likely to want their photos open to the public. Therefore, if you are looking for a professional, successful guy, my guess is that you are more likely to find him on eharmony than on

3. Cost: Many posters complained about the cost of eharmony. Don't you see the cost benefit of avoiding bad dates? Also, how much time and money would you have to spend to find dates through other means? From this perspective, eharmony is a bargain.

Good luck everyone, and try to have some fun with the process rather than bumming out about it.....

Posted by: Tom at December 31, 2004 09:39 AM

Wow, so after ragging the site to death about how bad it was, Rose gets engaged after 3 dates! LOL, maybe EHarmony does work, or maybe Rose is setting herself up for disaster - only time will tell. I hope it does work, gives me hope that good things can come to those who wait.

Im not renewing EHharmony myself, the second go-around has been a total disaster. The girls I contacted havent replied to me, and the ones contacting me have been either overweight divorced types with kids, or attractive but stuck up immature types.

Honestly that may just be indicitave of the dating pool for an early 30's guy. Not much out there...

The first girlfriend I got there was better than them, too bad she was a compulsive liar and super needy.

Posted by: Tony at December 31, 2004 12:52 PM

I set up a free “” profile (after paying 1 month of Yahoo and sending 250 e-mails with practically no responses).

Why do people think that women get flooded with e-mails? I’m a slender Asian female in mid-30’s and I rarely get e-mail.

I’m TIRED and still NOT MARRIED! After making 70 contacts on “,” I’m getting NOWHERE!

When I first placed my profile, within 24 hours, two Asian guys e-mailed, and then disappeared from the database. Likely a lure from “” to sucker me into joining. And then I got some chain letter scam! Furthermore, they matched me up with a religious fanatic and I’m not religious! Curse “!”

As I realize that the Asian male population is smaller, I specified Asian or Caucasian. But no guy was interested in me (except the geriatric types seeking a submissive Oriental mail-order bride to wait on them hand and foot).

Here’s one problem. Since the majority online are Caucasian guys, many specify “ANY” size, interest, religion, etc and ETHNICITY. This leads to confusion because in reality, these Caucasian guys are simply seeking Caucasian women. They’re so lazy that they can’t fill out the damn form! Now most Caucasian men will settle for an Asian female if they couldn’t find a Caucasian woman (a Caucasian man told me many years ago). And one guy I contacted was surprised because he didn’t expect an Asian female to e-mail. Then I think, well why the hell did he specify “ANY” ethnicity?!

Because these idiots fail to realize that this damn nation is comprised of people other than the Heinz 57 Caucasian! Have they never heard of Connie Chung, Lucy Liu, Rosalind Chao, Tamlyn Tomita, Kristi Yamaguchi, Margaret Cho?!

Be specific about what you are looking for. Don’t be a good-for-nothing, lazy bum and specify “ANY”!

Posted by: Winter Chik at December 31, 2004 05:55 PM


You're so full of crap that I can smell it all the way here to Oklahoa. E-Harmony constantly urges members to contact as many matches as possible in order to be successful. It is not registering with you that many of us "complainers" here try to initiate contact, only to be closed out. Just for grins I opened a profile (with no picture) on, and in less than one week, I had to women indicate they are "interested" in my profile. One is 41 and the other is 33. The kicker? The 33 year old hasn't been active in over a week now, even though I reciprocated interest in her profile.

Admit it. Online dating sites are 21st Century snake oil salesmen.

Posted by: Gary at January 1, 2005 10:46 AM

I hate to tell you all but eHarmony doesn't work near as well as they suggest.

1) That wonderful test they make you take was NEVER tested on a group before it was released. EHarmony uses a numerical value computer matching system. Let me explain computer dating: Matching by computer is done by your traits being given a number that relates to importance. It’s a value judgment on you by a computer, or should I say whoever programs the computer. Then a computer program matches you based on these numbers. There is a formula that is used. EHarmony makes a judgment about your personality type and uses a computer program to look for people that "fit" you. Being Christian is just another number. It’s insulting to Christians. There is no research or scientific reason to trust computer dating. It has never been tested as to its effectiveness.

2) The information you read about someone else is only as good as the person who input the information in. People lie (both men and women)

3) Why would you desire to meet someone who lives on the other side of the world? How are you going to get to know the real person? Through email and IM's??? I don't think so.

If you are Christian and single then you need to read on. There is a company called Equally Yoked. They've been around since 1986 (way before Al Gore invented the internet).

You can join EY and meet other LOCAL Christian singles and they hold events for their members. Each member has been screened in person and a background check preformed BEFORE they become a member.

Currently they have over 30,000 member’s nation wide. Does it work? I would say yes. I met my wife through EY. Guys there are some great women out there! Women, there are some wonderful guys out there.

Is it free or cheap? No, but it was less than I was spending going out on dates for years meeting the wrong people. I figured I was worth it and it paid off for me. You can spread out payments so it isn't going to send you to the poor house.

So go to and give them a look. You might be surprised what you would find.

Posted by: married dude at January 3, 2005 02:30 PM

everyone move on from the combative crap please. I could do without the spelling police and the games of who's-the-racist. I've deleted comments here before if I felt like they were poisoning the dialogue.

Posted by: tunesmith at January 3, 2005 05:12 PM

what the heck, happened here by chance and appears to be a lot of single people, now why not use this as a way to meet opinionated people, lol. you can see me (profile of, send me a pick a tell me how clever I am, it's a start, lol!

Posted by: Roxanne48nj at January 3, 2005 06:32 PM

I didn't miss the irony at all - nor the pettiness, meanness or ego-stroking intent of Tiger's post. ("Look at me! I found a spelling error from a post and I need to rub it in, woo hoo!")

I did miss that "peruse" was mispelled in the target post. I laughed my ass off about that - teach me to respond when I'm irritated, won't it?

Back on topic, I have followed this conversation for some time now. (Ya'll are funny, by the way, thanks for the many laughs.) I thought I should repay the favor by sharing my eHarmony experience.

I took the personality profile in October 2003. I didn't join right away because I had only a handful of matches the first month, none of which turned my head. Then I got a request for communication from a match I'll call "D." He did interest me, so I signed up and paid my money. D and I quickly progressed to talking on the phone, and then went out to dinner.

We clicked very well. In fact, we were so deep in conversation on that first date that we didn't notice the restaurant had closed and the waitstaff were waiting for us to leave so they could go home. Needless to say, I was elated. I thought we were very well-matched, and we saw each other regularly for a little over a month. I thought eHarmony was the greatest thing since screw-off beer bottle caps. I put a hiatus on my matches. I even wrote several glowing reviews around the Internet. (Egad. When will I learn?)

Then D headed home for three weeks for the Christmas holidays. When he came back, things were different. He was distant, less enthusiastic, guarded. A few weeks later, on Valentine's Day, he dumped me, saying I was not his soul mate.

Well, then. OK. To this day I have no clue what really happened to change D's mind.

C'est la vie. I licked my wounds for a few weeks, then restarted my matches on eHarmony. Hey, my first go-round didn't end well, but he was a good guy and a good match for me, and there would be another, right?

Wrong. Over the next several months, I received over 200 additional matches. Only one of those progressed to communicating outside eHarmony, and he was very clear that he was not looking for a serious relationship. The remaining 200 matches either never responded to my requests for communication or decided during the communication process that they were not interested in me. Why? Who knows? Maybe the men I was matched with didn't like brunettes; maybe they wanted a running/snowboarding/base-jumping woman; maybe they wanted a partner with a more conventional spiritual path. All I know is, it sure was hard on my ego.

The net of all this is that eight months and over $200 since my initial sailing with eHarmony, I'd had a handful of dates with one man who ended up dumping me. Not a great track record for a service that promises every match they provide is at least 85% compatible with you and that they can find your "soulmate."

I cut my losses and allowed my eHarmony membership to expire. I then signed up with several other, far less expensive, services. I got lucky. On DateTech, I met a great guy. We're moving in together this week, in fact.

No thanks to eHarmony, though. My opinion? A lot of very smart marketing with very little delivered for the money, time and effort involved. I'm sure it works for a lucky few, but it didn't work for me. I certainly cannot recommend it to anyone.

Best of luck to everyone searching for a life partner.

Posted by: Amara_Della at January 4, 2005 10:58 AM

Dating services that charge $$ are ALL scåms...each and every one of them. Stay away!

I know, I've also been on eharmony and and had no luck with them. Too many of the guys I met through were either players/phonies, or unstable, dysfunctional types with severe emotional problems. Based on my experience, I think tends to attract these types of people. I am not the only one who's noticed this, either (see, click "Top rated," and click and read what a lot of the guys had to say about the women they met on

On eharmony there seemed to be more together guys, although I also still came across some crazies (I guess that's to be expected in every dating site). I also kind of got burned. When you first sign up (maybe this had changed now), eharmony doesn't make it very clear that you can't get a refund for unused time if you quit before your membership expires. Even when you email them questions, they only send you canned responses that don't answer your question specifically enough. To make a long story, I learned the hard way, and discontinued my membership for this reason.

There are complaints about eharmony on, where you can also add yours. After I quit, I also found out their contact information, posted by a woman on (I couldn't find their phone number on their website):

eharmony. com
300 North Lake Avenue Suite 1111
Pasadena, CA 91101
Phone: 626-795-4814
Fax: 626-585-4040

I hate to sound discouraging and cynical, but I personally believe that if you are a sincere person looking for a sincere relationship, your chances of finding it through, eharmony, and their ilk are very slim. Yes, I know; it has happened. But I think it's probably a similar percentage to those winning the lottery. I've personally found the real world - volunteering for causes you believe in, classes, etc. - a better place to meet compatible people. I've even gone out on a few dates with some of them!

If you must join a dating service join a FREE one, like:

Maybe you'll have better luck and maybe you won't, but at least you won't lose anything.

Just my $0.2,

- Rosalind

Posted by: Rosalind Lord at January 4, 2005 01:55 PM

First posted on this blog a year ago tonite. What a difference a year makes! Since ditching on-line dating attempts I forgot about 'dating' and got involved in politics. That was the BEST thing that ever happened to me. Met TONS of people...have forged several strong friendships of both sexes, had a sizzling summer crush/fling that rocked my world, was asked on several dates, and a couple of friends met their eventual honeys.

Politics...who'da thunk it??

And oh yeah...I started a blog as well. You'd be surprised what wondrous things come out of blog-ownership :-)

Posted by: Calichick at January 4, 2005 06:24 PM

My E-Harmony experience is that it is a big ripoff. I signed up for 3 3 month membership. I received 4 referrals, only one of which responded & then abruptly stopped responding after 1 exchange. I forgot to cancel the auto-renew & received 2 referrals over the next 4 months. Neither of which was compatible with me. When I finally remembered to cancel, I was bombarded with solicitations to auto renew again (even offering me a $12.95 rate). I sent a complaint E-mail about the service I got from them & the only contact they had with me for 2 months was to spam me to buy E-Harmony products or renew my membership. Guess wehat the response was- nothing. E-Harmony is real nice if you are sending them money, then clam up when you question the service you received. I have determined that the lengthy questionaire & the claim of 99.7 compatible matches is a marketing ploy & nothing else, attem,pting to look as though their service is more likely to match you up. I receive referrals 3 times a week from & Yahoo. I didn't receive a single referral in 2 months from E-Harmony. Its a nice way to make money, charge more, and deliver less. The E-Harmony people are laughing all the way to the bank.

Posted by: Robert Kramer at January 5, 2005 02:25 PM

Clearly there is a wide variation between eharmony users in the number of matches that they receive. I receive exactly five matches every single day.

Posted by: Tom at January 5, 2005 05:17 PM

In light of the initial post that I commented upon this is a RIOT!!!

"I didn't miss the irony at all - nor the pettiness, meanness or ego-stroking intent of Tiger's post. (Look at me! I found a spelling error from a post and I need to rub it in, woo hoo!')"

If you bothered to read the initial post (you know, the one in which "pursuing" was misspelled?) you would see who was condescending and petty. As you are being now.

Thanks for yet another laugh, Amarella Della!

Posted by: Tiger at January 5, 2005 09:29 PM

Oh, and AD?

It's called calling someone on their HYPOCRISY (you can look that one up in your dictionary), just as I did to YOU. Hmmmm, you ARE the only one to erroneously jump to the initial poster's defense. Are you and she the same person?

Don't hate me because I'm 5' 6-1/2" at 125 lb., a perfect size 6, a 36C, AND a better speller than you! ;)

Posted by: Tiger at January 5, 2005 09:40 PM

again, deletions forthcoming if ya don't cool it. I already deleted the racist crap. quit with the spelling and reading comprehension insults.

Posted by: tunesmith at January 6, 2005 12:22 AM

Oy! And a happy new year to all.

Posted by: andrea at January 6, 2005 09:55 AM

After my divorce, I tried several of these sites including,,,,,, and I've dated people from most of the sites and found that what people think they want isn't necessary what they really want and the same was true for me. I've also found that many of the man I dated, like me, were on several of the sites so it wasn't like I was missing out on the right guy by not being with the right service. led me to my absolute soul mate, the man I've been looking for my entire life. So as for whether or not their system works, for us it really did. We've only been dating since November and we're already sure. It's amazing. I'm not one of those overly romantic girls who falls easily, in fact since my divorce, I've probably gone out with 20 or so men and none of them worked for me until I met Bill. So for those of you out there still looking, keep trying. Best of luck.

Posted by: Ann at January 6, 2005 11:11 AM

Ann: Since you have tried so many of the services, do you have any comparative observations to offer? Were any much better than others? As just one example: How does compare to eharmony?

Posted by: Bill at January 7, 2005 03:46 AM

boy, am i ever glad i found this. i'm one of those slugs who have been on for almost a year now (in march) and all i can say is this--i'm about done with internet dating, period. i'm convinced that it's really just a social experiment to see how much you can lower a person's self-esteem. i don't consider myself "lookist," but criminey--i'm not a complete bowwow and i'm getting "winks" from guys in muscle shirts holding up PBR cans and grinning with their 2 teeth while their mullets blow gently in the breeze. my profile monologue contains words these guys can't even pronounce, let alone spell. ;) and all i can do is look at them all and think, "is this really the best i can do???" my ex looked up my profile on match, clicked on the "see other profiles like mine," and was told "0--nomorepets is one in a million!" much as i'd like that to be true, i somehow doubt it. just more cheese for their kitchen.
i've gone on plenty of dates--trying to keep an open mind. they all turned out to be either complete sociopaths or using me as something to do while waiting for better offers. nice.
the problem for me is, i'm a 32 year old single mother. all of my friends either have small children, are married, or have hooked up in recent months. what am i supposed to do--start hanging out in bars and coffee houses by myself? i mean, i do this anyway, but i kinda get the feeling i look like "Loser, party of one." any suggestions???

Posted by: Angela at January 7, 2005 02:32 PM

Eharmony works! Over the holidays I got engaged to my 7th match on eharmony. We're perfect together!

The matches may be few and far between, but worth it!

Posted by: Beth at January 7, 2005 05:31 PM

Hi, I came across this site during a Google search of "eharmony" (I was wondering what other members and critics thought of it). I have only read about a third of the posts here, and already I have much to think about. My experience there has been disappointing because I am continually "matched" with men whose political and religious beliefs are incompatible with mine. Eharmony does not take politics into account in their ever-so-precise matching process, which makes them much less sophisticated than Yahoo.

In response to posters who are disenchanted with other sites, I would like to let you know about Green Singles. It's a matching site for environmentally concerned people. If you are politically progressive or just "alternative" in your lifestyle, you may want to give the site a try. It's free, including a photo, until you want to send original messages as opposed to prefabricated ones. Unlike Eharmony, you do the searching and judging. Greensingles is one word; it's a dot com.

Thanks for the interesting read.

Posted by: dagnat at January 8, 2005 01:34 PM

Hi, everyone. I had an actual life for 2 weeks due to the holidays, etc., so did not know until tonight the firestorm I set off. Tiger is correct. I had the book in front of me the night I scolded Dale, but guess was in a hurry and missed the error when proofreading. Guess I was the "pot calling the kettle black." A few years ago I participated in an 8 week study program (8 Tuesdays), although only showed up maybe 3 times, at a local church, based on Dr. Warren's book, Finding the Love of your Life. We watched a video of Dr. Warren each week followed by a 1 hour talk by a Christian MFCC. It was very entertaining. Refreshments and mingling afterwards. Recently found a quiz from the companion study material to the book, section 2 and 3. Took the quiz from section 3 about a week ago, and found I am 75 to 80% emotionally healthy. Sample true or false questions: "I love people, so I'm only really happy when I'm with other people." Another: "I think that drinking to make yourself feel better, is a crutch." I say my score is 75 to 80% healthy, adding the extra 5%, because some of the statements are confusing or open to interpretation. This study material intrigues me, so think will send for all 8 sections. There was a fee for the workbook at the church, but I think it was only 10 bucks for all 8 sections. Personally though, my experience on eH was so discouraging that if they called me and said they would pay me a grand to rejoin for ayear, my answer would be No. I just don't need that kind of negative energy in my life. My membership expired in early November, and I've been feeling much happier.

Posted by: Jenny at January 9, 2005 12:52 AM

I am not using eHarmony because of the comments posted on this site. Has anyone tried Yahoo! Personals? I submitted a profile and got a message today that my profile was rejected because I violated their guidelines. I read through the guidelines again, and darned if I could see what I violated. No idea. So, I had to write them and ask them. What dating sites actually are worth the money? Any of them?

Posted by: Tina Harvest at January 11, 2005 04:02 AM

Everybody stop your complaining, I signed up for eharmony to increase the odds of me meeting more women, not because I actually banked on meeting my wife through a computer break through formula, it is all a numbers game, just wanted to try it out, that Dr. Neil whatever is name is, he's trying to sell his product like Nike sells Air Jordan shoes, if you actually got to face to face with someone and it never panned out then it's YOUR fault not his, I never met my soulmate on there, but I didn't expect to, I simply used it as a vehicle to meet more women and increase my odds of meeting that someone special. I agree with the one guy, if your picture wasn't posted I wasn't asking you to meet out for dinner, I'm not paying for eharmony to do blind dates, superficial or nor, THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

Posted by: John at January 11, 2005 03:33 PM

A week after my kids badgered me into EH I met a local man who it is looking very optimistically - and there is never any way an EH profile would have matched us up. I'm 50, divorced, professional. love to cook, travel have way too many animals, assertive, etc. My EH matches, which I received many of, a few too old, but way too many like me...god knows, I want to get away from me! So the man who I'm very attracted to is a liberal, intellectual, insomiac, non-professional & very sensitive to other people's because of a strong commnunity sense - I'm teaching him how to translate that to a one on one relationship (he hasn't had those)....anyway, my vote is look local....internet just doesn't give the dimension of people's eye's, looks, touch...

Posted by: Diane at January 12, 2005 01:13 AM

For me, eHarmony has truly been an experience to say the least.

I joined one month ago initially because I actually know 2 'normal' women who met and married 2 'normal' men after joining eHarmony.

Seemed reasonable then, given their experiences, that I would go ahead and try it out for a month. I thought heck, why not - what do I have to loose? As it turns out - what a month its been!

Lets see, my profile seems reasonable. If my ex-husband understood me as well as the personality profile test results we absolutely would perhaps quite possibly still be almost married...

Matches? Who has time for them all? Over 100 so far. Was there a holiday rush or something? A doggie style Christmas special? Okay, here comes the match lowdown:

-Vast majority are Doctors, Lawyers, Business Owners, and PILOTS. With lotsa defend names by the way. Had 2 doctors, 1 lawyer, 1 airline pilot, and 1 helicopter pilot show up this morning already. Need I say more? Has anyone out there been able to sustain a grounded conversation with a commercial airline pilot (pun intended)? I have what is tantamount to an ego salad in my eharmony inbox. Did I mention that the majority seem to be more like me than not? Ouch.

-When a big red 'X' of rejection shows up on screen - to date - I have been reminded of that old ditty that my grandmother use to chant in my ear: "rejection is God's protection honey". I have had 5 'Xs' so far and after reading their profiles she has not been wrong yet.

-The widowers are sweeties, the larger girthed men tend to be the most sincere and the divorce dads looking for mom replacements are just plain scary. Easy to weed out the 'looking for perfect young blonde goddess so I have yet to marry at the tender age of 47 but I am happy to have lots of sex until I can find her' idiots as well as the 'lets by pass this talk stuff and get straight to the picture swapping' buffoons. I have to say though that all in all there is not a want for intelligence on the site. Most of these guys are high IQ smarty pants. Is there a test for emotional intelligence yet?

- I have been in contact with men who clearly drink too much, maybe just maybe are not all the way out of their last relationship and men who would not even know how to spell the word commitment if you spelled it out for them. No surprise really. The real surprise came when I discovered that one of the doctor's who was also a television journalist, photographer, writer, expert witness, blah, blah, blah (from Hawaii) turned out to be a convicted child molester - NO JOKE! This guy liked to talk and with a little bit of research and background checking it was not hard to come up with the goods on him. FREAKED me out. I contacted the support staff at eHarmony and they responded within 15 minutes. They had the guy off the system and sent out emails to all the woman he had been in contact with within the hour. I like the fact that Honolulu is a small island. I do not like the fact that eHarmony does not screen for criminals. I feel sad typing this. I would like to type his name right here for all to see...

Then there is the part about how I just got 2 more months on the system for free. How? A few weeks ago I found a worm hole in their system. Yup, I could go into other people's boxes and read their stuff. Not to mention the fact that I could write to their matches. They jumped on this one right away as well. Was a Google caching issue....interesting and disturbing just the same.

So, I am talking with 15 men on the system right now. 3 seem interesting enough to keep going. I can tell you though. It would be a long time and a closer background check before I would agree to meet any of them. I have to confess that I am leaning towards going back to face-to-face at this point. Lets see how I go...

Posted by: Jeanni at January 14, 2005 10:04 PM

I've been a member of and E Harmony both. I find that E Harmony is a huge waste of money. I've been, "matched" with only people that live a minimum of 2K miles from my home. I'm not sure why as I stated, "somebody in my area." The people they did send me, even though from so very far away were either too old or had nothing in common with my own profile. I think it is a huge rip off and would not encourage anybody to pay them money to find their prince or princess. does offer more hope in meeting people whether it be a friend or something more long term. Certainly, in the few dates/meetings I have had on Match most end up looking 15 years older or 20 pounds heavier. It's a game of patience if you wish to use it as a second avenue to meet a person for the journey. All in all, steer clear of E Harmony... huge waste of money with no deliver... buy yourself a new pair of shoes with that money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Cheska at January 15, 2005 12:17 PM

Greetings, all.

Background: I'm a 31 year-old guy who lives in a biggish city in a very "blue" state.

I was on for about two years but with no success. My 100% honest, well-written ad got virtually no replies. I did somewhat better when answering ads (heard back about 60% of the time), but that's because I was highly, highly selective about who I wrote to -- and there were several in-person meetings as a result.

How selective ? Roughly 1% of the ads at Match piqued my interest and maybe that says a lot for the quality of the crowd there. It's way too "conservative" and there are too many airheads. When I did a search that winnowed out all the people who beileve in sky-god religions, I got a better, but much smaller, crowd. All in all, for me anyway, Match was definitely not worth the $16 a month.

I also had an ad at Yahoo!. No replies at all, save for the occasional come-on for mail order brides from Russia. Nyet !

eHarmony doesn't sound like it would be my scene at all. I'm a rabid foaming-at-the-mouth atheist, I don't want children, and politically I'm a European-style Social Democrat.

The idea of using 500 questions to pigeon-hole me and my "matches" is nuttier than a pecan orchard.

And I have to say that eHarmony's "ban" on interracial dating really bugs me -- it gets under my skin, so to speak. I'm a white guy and as it happens, I've only been involved with white women. But I'm entirely open to the idea that Ms. Right could have considerably darker skin than I do.

Someone suggested that I try the personals (the ads are also posted at Nerve and The Onion, among other places). I've only been there a few weeks, but it definitely looks like it's a better, more "alternative" crowd. Their payment system makes a lot of sense. It's free to post an ad and free to write to someone who answers. To answer an ad, you have to pay one "credit." You buy packages of credits (eg, 25 for $25, 50 for $40, etc.). So it's a very reasonable "pay as you go" deal. I've only been there a few weeks, so it's too soon to assess whether it was a good choice.

So I guess the upshot of all this is that if you're searching for an on-line dating site, you can save yourself a lot of time and money by taking a "looking for the right crowd" approach, ie, browsing the ads and seeing what kind of people are there.

Posted by: Gabe at January 16, 2005 07:31 AM

Errr, Ummmm, Gabe - sorry but I am not sure where you got the idea that eharmony discourages inter-racial matching/dating/connections...that simply is not true. I have been matched with every shape, size, and color - you get to choose. Lets see, what else, I too am hands down a "European-style Social Democrat" and have met more men who think the way that I do about our current state of political mayhem than ever before - thank goodness. Some in fact, are transplanted Europeans. And, then there is the bit about this Christian stuff. Once again there is a selection section whereby you get to choose. Of the over 100 men I have been matched with so far only a few have had "sky-god" aficionados and they closed me out in short order. Not to mention the fact that there have been more than a few "alternative" matches including an organic farmer and a few holistic doctors.

The selection process is just that a selection process. IMO no matter where you are, or what system you are using, you are going to go through the same 'stuff'. It just so happens that at eharmony - given the selection process that they offer - it is easier to weed out the 'no thank yous' before engaging in some long protracted 'get to know you' conversation. Its more practical, convenient, and well thought through. I find that as a function of more background information, pre-selection processing, a common sense communication system and the sheer numbers access alone means its a common sense must try if your looking. Nothing to loose.

Posted by: Jeanni at January 16, 2005 10:23 AM

Hi all...

I have been a member of e-harmony off an on for about a year. I've invested about $200.00 in the site when all is said and done. I didn't go about it the right way... I paid the $50.00 for a month, then renewed for three months, spending another $50.00 dollars... then skipping a few months, only to renew again... and so on.

I recently paid the renewal fee (interesting... they did not offer a 3 months for the price of one special like they normally do) because I had someone request communication with me. We went back and forth (at one point, he put me on hold - why, I don't know) until we reached the open communication stage. I've been through that stage before and the times I have, it never goes anywhere or the person closes the communication.

This time, we exchanged IM information and I actually talked to him on the phone a few times. I was excited about actually meeting my first e-harmony match since I started the service a year ago. Oh, but guess what. He's allergic to cats. Of all the...

I still went through with trying to meet up with him and waited over a half hour for him to show. He finally showed, but by then I had already called to make plans to see other friends. I felt it was inconsiderate to show up that late without even a phone call.

Anyway... I haven't had any kind of luck with e-harmony and it's frustrating. I find it really interesting that I don't receive matches during the "middle of the month" of my subscription, and only start receiving a plethora of matches towards the end of my subscription... sometimes even up to the day before. Why is this? There is no reason why these matches can't be sent on a regular basis. It just seems fishy to me that all these "prospective" matches are sent at the very end of a subscription.

Another thing that doesn't sit well with me at all is the fact that many of the matches that are sent aren't paying members. How is this fair? If I receive ten prospective matches and 8 of them are people who aren't paying members, it doesn't help me. All it does is waste my time. It seems to me that they want to "beef up" their match pool by adding those who take the personality profile.

One last thing before I go... have any of you gotten the impression that some of the matches sent your way are "dummy" matches? The answers in the profile are almost too contrived... or too similar to another profile? I wouldn't be surprised if there are people who work for e-harmony whose jobs are to start communication with others, only to drop the communication when it gets to the open stage for the dumbest reasons... "not ready for a relationship at this time", "other", "based on the answers in this person's profile, I'm not interested", blah, blah, blah.

I just think e-harmony is a bunch of bunk. For charging as much as it does, I think their "prospective match" system should be set up a lot better. :shrug:

Posted by: Dana at January 16, 2005 11:11 PM

Hello..I've been a member of eHarmony for a few months and, yes, I have my share of close-outs, many stage 1 and 2 matches with no further communication. If you are a paying member, then you DO have the option to change your preferences, such as race, location, religion, etc., and you may edit your own personal information.

I enroll in the one month memberships, and if I see progress, then I change my account to auto-renew for another month. If not, I won't auto-renew, which is something I have done in the past. I keep at it one month at a time.

So far, it has been interesting to say the least. I have been in the open communication stage with one person for about a week, and have been communicating almost every day. So far, it has been positive, and we answer each others questions. A face to face meeting is a real possibility, when our work schedules would permit it.

Anyway, online dating has its bad and good apples, much like the real world. Many people have super-high expectations when it comes to dating, online or real-world.

Well, that's my 2 cents.

Posted by: RoseyGirl at January 18, 2005 06:31 AM

E-harmony has been a 50-50 for me. The good, the bad and the ugly. And the bad was really bad! After discovering that the man I thought was “him” was not “him” and that he was in relationships with numerous women (all thinking they were the only “her”), I made my concerns known to E-harmony. There must have been other complaints in addition to mine because he was removed from the site for “alleged” violations of E-harmony’s policy (they sent a notice to women who had been corresponding with him). I think that on-line dating is only one of many ways to meet people and I caution women and men that they do background checks if there is any doubt or if it sounds too good to be true. I discovered that newspaper archives, court records have tons of information (free). If I had done this initially, I would not have “wasted” my time on a man who is not who he claims to be. Women (, yahoo personals, E-harmony subscribers), if you have received the following from a Cowboy in the West: love poems- with reference as you being “her” and signed by “him”, e-mails about getting “home”, spending he next 50 years with “him”, trips he has planned for the both of you, pictures of rainbows, and the thought of you being pregnant making his toes curls…..I have news, you are not the only HER.


Posted by: EM at January 20, 2005 07:20 AM

All this bitching about dating services, and you all could be hooking up here for free! eHarmony which i did their marathon Questionaire didnt sway me one bit to join. Fact is; to communicate you and your match must be a PAYING member. The only way to beat these f*cking scam sites for lonely hearts club is to post your user name; eg. bassdrum53, and hopefully the smart ones can do a search on yahoo, msn, etc. and find the profile and start your e-mail communication. On eHarmony you could stick in your screen name from another POPULAR site in the question> what dont your friends know about you? answer> they dont know i go by bassdrum53 as a nickname. Anyways, i'm looking for a lady that loves blues, jazz, swing, old R&B and Soul music. I'm a drummer, work self employed, i am 51 1/2 years old, has all my hair, never married, no kids. Very low maintenance!! I always split the tab! WOW, you're saying, is this dream guy a reality. YES MA'AM i am. Now get off your whinnng butt, and e-mail me. I'm very well known for giving that special lady the best 2 minutes of her life, we all know you cant pay for that kinda pleasure! Mr. Muffin Ass is waiting :)

Posted by: Randall at January 22, 2005 07:42 AM

Hey! Thanks so much EVERYONE! I was separated for 8 years and finally divorced a few months ago. I'm 53 with two great kids and I look wonderful! You have saved me my money and self-esteem. The two matches I got on trial with Eharmony were awful and definately did not match. I thought if I signed up, I might do better. I think the gentlemen who put this site together should let us all post our pics and emails and start his own business. E-mail me if you decide to do that. As for the girls4ballers fellow - people will think it's a porn site. Makes me think of girls wanting to grab a man's balls. OUCH!

Posted by: connie at January 22, 2005 01:58 PM

So Neil sends me the love of my life named Jack who makes it very clear on his intro page that he already has a girlfriend, is looking for a shared lifestyle and whose main focus is sex and sex. Jack wants an agressive sexual relationship but not an agressive romantic relationship. (I can send you a copy of it, no charge!)
Eharmony told me my 7 day trial was up, no refund,
and that he was simply not a commitment match.
That the into page was free and they could not help what I got.
I was soooo pissed - never could reach a mgr. thru this. They just wanted me to go away. Even offered to help me unsubscribe with live help.
Now after way too much work and with over a month of writing emails I just recently received a refund saying they were sorry "I" was not satisfied with the match they sent. No accountability. No substance. Just all hype.
Boy was I lucky or what!! 500 questions, and a hefty fee for a perv I could have found at any sleezy bar. Now Jack and I (and his girlfriend, Trixie) enjoy you know what every chance we get!
Can't agree more with the person who wrote eharmony sucks!
Neil does so much money mean never having to say you're sorry? I even emailed someone who knew them and emailed the "OOPS" directly to him and his wife but they couldn't be bothered.

Posted by: J at January 23, 2005 03:53 PM

J: It only takes one second to hit the "close match" button. Was this guy the only match that you have received? As long as you are receiving good matches, then who cares if you get a few that you want to close out immediately?

Posted by: bill at January 24, 2005 04:40 AM

It comprimised their credibility Bill - I was also having matches closed because I didn't have a pic-which I did have from day one as well as other big glitches in the 3 month subscription.
29 dimensions of compatibility went right out the window after Jack - they could have taken a little responsibility - but chose not to - in fact were truly condesending, so much for all their expertise. They need to learn customer relations and act like the paid for service they are instead of acting as if they are some wonderful infallable experience you are priveleged to be a part of. The Jack thing would have just been hilarious - had they acted the least bit humble especially with the incredible hype they spew contrary to Jack ad nausem. Instead they acted like true assholes.

Posted by: J at January 24, 2005 08:11 AM

i tried the free thing at and it was definetly a con. some girl emails me representing herself as a born american blonde, including picture that clearly proves it but used indian based grammar to give me a sales pitch to join and promising me that if i email her she'll send pics and messages and all that crap!!! so i try to respond and it says pay for a membership!!!!! funny, if i ran a dating website it would be on credibility, let the user have a full trial first and see the results for themselves, if it's good they'll signup if it's not the resort to the trickery!!!!!

ps. eharmony is not that much better, long questionaires, alot of crock!!! friendfinder, matchfinder throw them out the window!!!

Posted by: con spotter at January 24, 2005 08:33 AM

by the way eharmony and and all the others hire people to post good stuff about them all over. some maybe true but i'd question most of it. The problem with their websites of matching people is that there just aren't enough people, they don't close accounts as you can clearly see from other peoples messages so that they have wider option of matches. the problem with the industry is simple, happy customer means their gone and unhappy customer means their gone! nobody left to match with! The remainders have to stay on so long that it's not worth the money, results quick or i cancel! problem with the industry and the public... false advertising by these guys don't help either...

Posted by: con spotter at January 24, 2005 08:40 AM

And as if a bad experience isn't enough you are still doomed to having to listen to eharmony's perky little commercials up the ying yang with all their ridiculous pristine claims. Way too much money for advertising!

Posted by: J at January 24, 2005 02:08 PM

Con Spotter: You might think that no one can make money selling diapers because the kids always learn how to use the toilet, enabling their parents to stop purchasing diapers. This logic misses the fact that there are always more babies entering the market. Similarly, internet introduction sites don't go out of business if they are sucessful and enable their customers to get married. In fact, investment anlaysts believe that the market penetration of on-line dating services is still low and has a lot of upside.

Also, the sustainable long term revenue growth earned by on line dating services such as Match and Eharmony is not usually characteristic of scams. Even a big advertising budget can only be a spark. For sustained growth, you need word-of-mouth by satisfied customers.

Posted by: Bill at January 24, 2005 05:57 PM

Case in point Bill - case in point (ala con spotter)!

Look, real people do not talk like this. Your comments do not sound like a casual observation rather an intentfully contrived corporate response to negative press. In other words you are speaking in corporate'ese' and quite frankly who needs it?

How about engaging in a substantive response to being matched with a convicted CHILD MOLESTER? How much responsibility does eHarmony have and at what point does it cross the line into false advertising? How about child endangerment. When should the power of the BUCK stop?

Over $100+ in venture capitol funding Bill - is that not what eHarmony just recieved. One of the biggest investments since the crash. Come on now, would not the company and its 'members' be better off by having some of those funds earmarked for silly things like say CUSTOMER SERVICE - as in actually getting someone on the phone - and accountability - as in if we sign up, even for a free trial, you OWE us a 'save' and 'clean' adventure at the very least....don't you?

Posted by: Jeanni at January 24, 2005 07:06 PM

My bad the word is SAFE. A 'safe' and 'clean' adventure.....

Posted by: Jeanni at January 24, 2005 07:10 PM

Jeanni: Eharmony attracts professional business people who are accustomed to writing about business issues. That doesn't mean that I am an employee of eharmony. I am just a guy looking for a life-partner on eharmony who happens to also have a business background. I am also an investor (although not in eharmony, which I don't believe is public), so I have experience in distinguishing scams from real business opportunities. I wasn't aware of the 100 $ M.M in VC money. That actually supports my assertions. VC's, especially today, don't throw 100 $ M.M at companies without first checking to see whether they are just scams with no staying power.

So far, in my early use of eharmony, two women have given me (last week) their phone numbers. One of them I am more excited about meeting than I have any other woman that I've dated in the last couple years.

Regarding the child molester--I believe that there is another company that performs background checks on its members. I don't disagree that this might be something for eharmony to consider. They could simply add the cost of that onto their price. However, keep in mind that when you meet people in places like parties, bars, social events, you don't have background checks there either. So in both eharmony and those other places, you still need to go in with your eyes open.

By the way, my biggest suggestion to eharmony would be that they require photos to be posted. For the people who complain about not getting their money back during the seven day trial period--I can spend more on one bad date than on three months of eharmony.

Posted by: bill at January 25, 2005 04:19 AM

Bill Bill Bill Bill..... ah Fact 1

I setup free account and immediately a mystery woman emails a message to me in broken english telling me she wants me to send her a message so she can send me pics and more messages... sound fishy?

ok, she was the only one to preview my profile. (there's a counter when you login that tells you how many people have viewed your profile) mine said 1... sound fishy? one view and bam, since then i've had 9 views without a wink... messge or anything... not that i'm that unattractive, i'd like to think...

the words are in the bbs's and blogs, just read it for yourself:

dana from above:

"Anyway... I haven't had any kind of luck with e-harmony and it's frustrating. I find it really interesting that I don't receive matches during the "middle of the month" of my subscription, and only start receiving a plethora of matches towards the end of my subscription... sometimes even up to the day before. Why is this? There is no reason why these matches can't be sent on a regular basis. It just seems fishy to me that all these "prospective" matches are sent at the very end of a subscription." -end- CAN AANYONE RELATE? I CAN :)

wanna here more, my accouunt will expire in 3 days, bet ya i'm gonna get a lovely email about some nice girl that wants to meet me... (will update)


Final Word about

Credibility is earned Bill (no cred. according to most blogs about Match)
Brands are created (big budgets, big advertising)
Service is the key (hidden contact #'s? sounds contradictory)
Customers are King (how often do you con your King?)
Trials Should be Full Service (show me the results and I'll buy)

thx and update you guys on the next girl email i get right before the end of my subscription... (will post actual message of grammar worse than mine.)

con spotter

ps. will post pic of me eatting underwear if i'm wrong...

Posted by: con spotter at January 25, 2005 04:40 AM

bill -

7 day trial was free

business is not a con in itself... it's the practices they use in getting free registering customers to pay for their services is what i'm concerned and peeved about. And then, what tactics will they use in getting you to stay?

bill, obviously you're an educated and articulate individual. but spotting a con is not about the grand structure of a business and who invests, sometimes it's in the small things and how they operate.

Look at Enron, who invested? Some damn good people got hurt didn't they?

Look at Exxon, selling gas is not misguiding, but setting the counter to to give you 1% less gas than what you're paying for is.

con spotter

Posted by: con spotter at January 25, 2005 04:54 AM

You are my hero CON SPOTTER.
And as for you Bill, I reccommend intensive left brain therapy. You're right brain is holding you hostage with this so called professional business persona leaving no chance in hell for any reasonable heart to heart communication. Call 911-ICE-MELT NOW! Ask for the special - 29 dimensions of feeling feelings. There might still be hope to unleash your inner NOT ALWAYS SO POLITICALLY CORRECT WITH THE ABILITY TO LISTEN GUY with professional help.
ps - I too bet you're an Eharmony plant! You're innuendos are all too familiar!

Posted by: J at January 25, 2005 08:03 AM

Ive given up on internet dating for now. The girls massive number advantage just takes away any real opportunity to make a good match because they can be so super picky.
I may try it again if things dont work out with the girl I met recently. The cool thing about her is we were attracted to each other without having to go through a tedious process of questions and emails before finding out.
The amount of time investment for an internet date is very large with little chance of being any real chemistry. Add that in with internet girls unrealistic expectations and you dont really have a large shot at finding anyone.

Posted by: FedUpForNow at January 25, 2005 03:00 PM

It's me, anima, transplanted to suburban Atlanta from Orlando.

Anyway, I rise to Bill's defense. He's clearly a businessman and addressing an issue that requires some business sense from a logical viewpoint (is it a fly-by-night operation? ... clearly not. Whether it's ethical is a different matter than whether it's legal though.)

I am, as I have said many times before, no fan of any online dating service, and eHarmony in particular is offensive, but let's not get all jiggy and assume that everybody who likes it or even refuses to say bad things about it is an "eHarmony plant". C'mon. Conspiracy theories aside, sheer numbers pretty much dictate that somebody out there is going to have a good experience and like it. Most of us haven't had good experiences ... and I don't just mean those of us here, but I daresay people in general ... but eHarmony isn't going to pay THEM to go on TV and say how badly it sucks.

You know, I just think online dating is not fruitful for most. It doesn't work very well. eHarmony is a big target because they are so high profile and nauseatingly saccharine in their advertising. They seem to make big promises that no online dating service could possibly keep (although if you listen carefully, you will doubtless hear no actual promises made).

Anyway, don't anybody DARE say I'm an eHarmony plant! I disdain it much as the next woman. But really, can we be less paranoid as a group? Yeah, it sucks. But I'm over it.


Posted by: anima in Atlanta at January 25, 2005 04:46 PM

Con Spotter: I haven't tried Match so I can't speak to that. (My friend told me that Match has such a high male to female ratio, that it was impossible to get attractive women to respond.) I also did not try the "free trial period" on eharmony, so I have no comments on that either. My guess is that people are not so upset over a lousy $100 or whatever. It is more of the emotional disappointment to people. Let's face it, if we all got very upset every time we spent $ 100 on something that was not a good value, we would be miserable a lot of the time.

Regarding the timing of matches--I receive about four matches every day, and I am nowhere near the end of my subscription. (These matches are all in the same metro area in which I live, but admittedly many are too old for me.) I barely have time to review the matches that I get. My guess is that people who receive no matches for long periods live in smaller towns or rural areas that naturally have fewer eharmony subscribers.

Even the first emails that I had with this one woman on eharmony made me smile. I cannot say yet how this will end up, but she is, besides being attractive, very intelligent in a witty, pleasant sort of way. True, I have no positive proof that she is not a serial killer or child molester, but I think the chances are less than with women that I met in more random circumstances.

Posted by: Bill at January 25, 2005 05:04 PM

If you guys would relax and stop wasting time complaining (which really is not going to solve anything) you might find that a better outlook brings about better results.
So you haven't found "true love" on eHarmony. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

**You might want to rethink the attitude...this could be a reason why you're still single.

Posted by: Cheer Up People at January 26, 2005 10:31 AM

I m on this date 01/26/05 and any offer of membership offersam with drawring my introductory one month free member ship with e

Posted by: charles pleasant at January 26, 2005 10:54 AM

To charles pleasant: Huh?

Posted by: andrea at January 26, 2005 10:04 PM

charles - congrats

cheer up people - i have a girlfriend, con spotting is a hobby...

bill - nothing for you today "you get paid to say good stuff from your -not worth mentioning site -, I complain at my own costs"


Dear friend
As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Mohammed Abubaka I a merchant of Omani nationality but presently residing in Britain. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer . It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the Oman, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to lose one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars 18,000,000 that I have with a finance/Security Company in Europe. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatche it to charity organizations.

I have set aside 20% for you and for your time.
God be with you.Reply to my private

Mohammed Abubakar.

- END -

Wonder what has to say about this? are they gonna even kick out this member? MEMBER NAME: nm9909

Funny, Match is dueing the conning, and now the cons want a piece of the action...!?!?!?

Posted by: con spotter at January 27, 2005 02:40 AM

I tried using eHarmony. What a waste of time! They pre-determine the age range of your potential matches. I kept getting nothing but matches with women that were several years older than me...which doesn't interest me. I inquired about the issue and received a "canned" letter from them....they told me to think "outside the box".

Outside the box doesn't overcome a biological would be pretty hard to have children 3 or 4 years down the road with a woman who is currently in their mid 40's...

I have tried and haven't had much luck either. The women there have been less than honest about their body type. "Fit & toned" does not equal 5'5" 185lbs...

Posted by: LicketySplit at January 27, 2005 08:58 AM

Hey LicketySplit - I agree with you on those weight assesments on Girls that are clearly 40-50lbs overweight in their picture think they are "about average".
Im not a paying member but keeps trying to get me to signup by emailing me potential "matches".
The funny think is the vast amount of female matches they send me who are in their mid to late 30s who are looking for men in their mid 20's! They put in their profile that they look good, so they feel like they should be dating men in their 20s who make 100k or more!
I dont know about you guys but Im not dating some dried up old hag while Im in my 20's - I wanna date girls 24-28, not 34-38! Match wont get me to pay by enticing me with old ladies!
I guess the massive number advantage women have is going to their heads. Take it from me dudes, you can do better than some lady 10 years older than yourself, just stay away from!

Posted by: What_A_Joke at January 27, 2005 01:00 PM

What_A_Joke - I know what you mean. It seems like there is a huge surplus of older divorced women or overweight women on these dating sites.

I was hoping to find someone around 27-32 and in decent shape thats not a complete psycho and in constant therapy.

Maybe instead of "soul mate" its time to pursue "booty call"..

Posted by: LicketySplit at January 27, 2005 01:33 PM

I'd honestly say most of the dating services are right on the edge of being "fly-by-night operations". They make vague claims they can't possibly keep, fail to divulge crucial information such as numbers of paying members, male-female ratios, and overall success rates, do no screening of applicants, use deliberately misleading advertising, draw people in with ads from non-paying members who can't possibly respond, no financial incentives for success, etc. While they're not as bad as, say, the chain dating services, that doesn't make them good either.

Sure, it's easy to claim none of that stuff matters "if it works"... but that's exactly the question being asked: is online dating a more productive alternative to, say, Mr. Microphone ("Hey, babe, we'll be back to pick you up _later_!") in terms of getting dates? My experiences with the online services were resoundingly negative, and other venues were far more useful (and cheaper in the long run).

Finally, are the dating services sincerely trying to help people find dates and mates? Seems to me they're focused more on lining their own pockets first, with the happy happenstance of someone finding a life partner a distant secondary priority.

Posted by: Another_Commenter at January 27, 2005 08:03 PM

I have to agree with you on that one Another_Commenter - the dating sites are about making money and not about trying to find people a life partner.

For one, they probably realize that as long as you continue to be single, the longer you will pay them for services to find people. So its not in their interest for you to be successful.

I have noticed a lot of sites around the net with banner adds that say "Find Single Women in your area!", for and Yahoo - but I never see the opposite. I never see adds trying to lure women into their site. This is troubling because the male to female ratio is absurd. They must know that men are more likely to pay them so thats who they market to.

This leads me to the same conclusion as you, they are simply trying to make money, and the tactics that you pointed out only re-affirm this.

Another thing I have found odd, is that one of the primary images they have rotating on the entrance to the site is a picture of an overweight balding, somewhat nerdy looking guy in his mid-30s, hugging a gorgeous blond model type with large breasts who looks about 22 years old. Its like they are trying to market to the type of guys who might be unsuccessful at dating and say "Hey look at the type of babes you can get if you join our site!"

Posted by: I_Agree at January 28, 2005 08:16 AM

They seem to advertise to guys and use stereotypes to lure us in...definitely false advertising. Not very many 22 year old model types on there...mostly older women with kids or younger overweight women.

Maybe I'll start a dating service and call it old guys would be able to go there to find young models to marry, but only for 5 year marraiges, like leasing. All it would cost is $100 to join and then a $5 million settlement when you're done with them...LOL

Posted by: LicketySplit at January 28, 2005 12:36 PM

eHarmony doesn't match by "29 traits" or whatever. It matches by keywords!! I had a profile on there and got pissed because I couldn't change the age criteria. So I went back to the site and changed the "About Me" section. Just the hand-written answer sections. I put some pretty weird answers in there, and the system went haywire when I tried to "Find New Match".

They must use software similar to what Recruiters use to scan and file resumes. It couldn't find a match because it couldn't match the keywords I used such as "Carnal Knowledge" or "Adult Videos"...I used plenty of odd keywords like that. The system kept cycling and cycling, unable to finish because it couldn't match any of the keywords. This proves that eHarmony is a complete scam!

Posted by: LicketySplit at January 29, 2005 08:12 PM

LickeySplit, I had that happen a few times despite having an utterly "normal" profile, so your experience doesn't mean anything.

I suspect they really do match on their supposed 29 dimensions of whatevers (it's honestly a lot easier to do than a keyword search), but that doesn't mean it works very well. Overall I found it was a very strange experience; the vast majority of the women I was matched with were all in the same fields (nurses, social workers, and the mystery meat "other" category).

Just treat it as a learning experience and let it go. I know I learned something very valuable: stay the heck away from online dating, because like so many things in life it's just a really complicated way to ask for abuse (and get it).

Posted by: Another_Commenter at January 29, 2005 11:57 PM

E-Harmony is nothing but a MONEY MAKING SCAM and I would recommend that anyone thinking about joining to save their money!!! I joined for 6 months as a single woman with a work schedule that sometimes keeps me out of arenas where I can meet people on my own. I answered all of their questions and was very truthful on my profile and consider myself an "average" person and have never had any trouble meeting people before. Well, I would go for weeks sometimes without a match and the response I got was to be patient becase they were trying to find my "scientific" match. Then after inquiring a 2nd time, suddenly I was getting tons of matches. When NOT ONE responded to my request to communicate, customer service admitted that many (MOST Not!) were people who filled out the free questionaire, but who hadn't paid their money yet and therefor weren't even members. The customer service rep even had the audacity to suggest that maybe the problem was my profile. That was a blow that left me very angry, but they wouldn't refund any of the $$$ for the months I had left so I just had to wait out the stupid subscription until it expired. The idea of this "new" dating service initially sounded good, but BEWARE it's not you they care about once they get what they want - YOUR $$$.

Posted by: Dissatisfied customer at January 30, 2005 11:17 AM


I am currently enrolled in my capstone anthropology course, at University of Southern California. My research topic is online dating, focusing specifically on previously married individuals who have or currently are online dating. I am looking for individuals willing to participate in an interview about their experiences. Interviews can be conducted via email, phone, fax or in person (for those in the Los Angeles and New York area). All participants would greatly help me in my research. If you or anyone you know would be willing to participate please contact me.

Posted by: elia monte-brown at January 30, 2005 04:52 PM are LIARS! I just heard an add on the radio - a rock station with a mostly male audience. In it a mom is trying to convince her son to go online to because "There are so many great girls there just waiting to hear from him!"

What a bunch of BS!

All does is try to sucker in lonely men - paying men outnumber women 10 to 1, even 20 to 1 in some areas, yet they continue to pull every resource to get more men to join! The could care less if you ever get a date, much less find a girlfriend - they just want your money!

Guys - dont pay a dime!

Dont pay them until they release information regarding how many guys to girls there are in your area! If there are only 20 decent girls who you can contact and 600 guys - would you wanna pay?

And dont pay unless you can do a "paid member" only search - those are the only girls that can respond to you! Otherwise you are wasting your time!

Posted by: LIARS! at January 31, 2005 11:10 AM

E-Harmony is a total joke. In my responses to their personality profile and must haves, etc. I specifically admitted that I am low energy. All of the matches they send me are either "physically fit" "exercise daily" or into "swing dancing, hiking, karate" etc. Surely there is a middle age couch potato looking for love, or do you have to pretend you are Mr. Universe to believe a woman would be interested in you? Also, I am sure my first match was a ghost or dummy. Everything seemed perfect until we got to the exchange of our first few e-mails. Suddenly his mother was too ill for him to communicate any longer and he put me on hold. He never posted his photo either. Don't waste your money on E-Harmony.


Posted by: Winnie at January 31, 2005 07:33 PM

So, this was a great realease to read all of these comments (okay, not ALL). I have been on match and eharmony at different times. There was a time two years ago that match was really pretty good, and I had several dates a week. Not anymore. I am only currently a member on eharmony, now.

Use them as a tool to be open to meeting someoen and exercising your "dating" muscles. For me that does not mean that I acutally get to date any of them, but helps me stay focused on what I want in a mate, and keep my eyes peeled. I don't expect anything from dating sites, but it is great tool for me to keep from becoming complacent and "stuck" in my single life.

I am LA area, I am tall, blonde and size 8, and pretty attractive..and very few members of either site contactied me.There is at least 2 to 1 women to men ratio in my area (that is based on my observation and attending dating and single events), and that can make for frustration for women who are being ignored, etc.

Posted by: tall blonde at February 2, 2005 01:47 PM

One more thing:
I have had hundreds of matches at eHarmony, only 5 contacted me, and only met two for one date...BUT the last couple dozen have been significantly shorter than me. That seems so odd that not ONE of my matches was taller than 5'7" in a week, and as short as 5 feet tall.

HERE is the funny part (to me).
I called customer service at eHarmony (I have an 800 number that THEY gave me). And when I told them that I really am not attractive or attracted to short men...the guy on the other line said that they could do nothing about that (funny the shorter men ONLY Poppe up after I registered a complaing with their customer serivce!), and is what is so corny...he said "how do I know that five foot tall guys doesn't have a six foot tall heart?"

Oh MY GOODNESS! He truly has been indoctirnated into this eHarmony cult. That is truly not a helpful customer service answer. Though I am 5-9, I typically wear heels, and am actually 5-11 in shoes, and my family is very tall. How would most shorter guys feel about this. Base on my past experiences, not so good.

Posted by: tall blonde at February 2, 2005 01:53 PM

"tall blonde" strikes me as the type of superficial, shallow, picky women that make up the majority on these sites. My guess is the reason she is not contacted much is her profile reeks of this, and men have had enough of her rejection. That must be the case because in LA, the ratio is more like 10 to 1.

Lemme guess, your profile says you only date men who are 6'1" or taller, "athletic" and make over 100k a year?

You get what you deserve lady. Have fun growing old alone...

BTW I am 6'1", ripped, and make 125k a year and wouldent touch you or your profile with a 10 foot pole. :P

Posted by: tall_guy at February 2, 2005 03:05 PM

Well that was an interesting take on my post. I really touched a nerve here. Quite an angry response to my post...hmmmm.

Not that I have to defend myself , but a lot of men freak out at my stature and career success (most men feel intimidated, though that is not my intention). And I am attracted to men who are taller than me.

But the comments by the customer service guy at eHarmony is way too similar to the bizarre "soul mate" advertising that I feel prays on peoples emotions and deepest desires to find a great partner. I just find it very manipulative and not helpful to help match me with the right person for me.

The fact that I am not attracted to a man who is nearly a foot shorter than me is what it is. I cannot for the life of me comprehend why that would make you so angry and take it so personally. I am also not attracted to red heads or skinny men.

Everyone has things that they are attratcted to, or not - EVERYONE! So sad that you feel the need to lash out like that at someone you know absolutely nothing about. Very mean, and shameful.

I wasn't here to solicit a date from anyone, and I would much rather enjoy my wonderful single life, than live in a bad marriage. And I wish that more peope would think that way. LIfe is about being happy, not "hooked up". And being single does not mean that I am "alone", quite the contrary.

You broke my heart that you don't want me, tall_guy! I Can't see the screen anymore for all my tears, I better go....(sniff) ;-)

Posted by: tall blonde at February 2, 2005 04:26 PM

Its not that you personally touched a nerve, its that many men like me have grown sick of women like you.

I mean come on, your list of demands a man must meet just turns me off. When I see girls that have a ton of must have criteria, and almost nothing to offer in return except for being easy on the eyes, what do I think - just like every other selfish, high maintenence good looker I ever went out with.

If you know for sure that can't have a meaningfull connection with a great guy JUST because he is either an inch or two shorter than you, is thin, or has red hair - without ever meeting or interacting with him, than you are a fool.

And not a person who I would ever want to meet.

Posted by: tall_guy at February 3, 2005 09:28 AM

The saddest thing about this whole wasteful exchange is how it shows that it is really fine with everyone how MANY men complained about being matched with women being overweight or were too old. Not one of THEM were reamed by Tall_guy (who only created this ID to attack me which is complete cowardly and the act of a bully IMO.)

How many couples does anyone know where the woman is significantly taller than the man - it is very rare, and I find more men have issues with me being taller than them than I do. That is really fine with me, there are plenty of great women who are shorter than me for them to chose from. I don't take it personally, and it has no effect on my life at all. I was even 80 pounds heavier a few years ago, and I understand that fewer men were attracted to me because of it. That is the way it goes, for better or worse. There were plenty of men who still found me attractive, just not as many. When anyone gets MEAN about is completely unnecessary and appalling to me.

I think that everyone should be picky to an extent. Unfortunately our culture of these beautiful, young, fit men and women create an unrealistic expectation of the opposite sex. Expecting only Victoria Secret models is one thing, wanting to be taller than my date is a completely different thing, that does not seem unrealistic or a preference that I should have to defend, or gets me labelled as "one of those women".

SO insane!

Enough of this for me.

Posted by: tall blonde at February 3, 2005 02:18 PM

BACK to my original eHarmony comments...
I finally got a great response from eHarmony regarding the sudden change in their matching system (their phone which is an 800 number is readily available if you ask them). A nice supervisor told me that they had so many complaints from short men being matched with women who were SHORTER than them and used the word discrimination!, that they VERY recently changed their matching protocol. Which explains why I suddenly got so many matches as much as 9 inches shorter than me, and none my height or taller which use to be their standard matching protocol until a few weeks ago.That made sense, and was much less patronizing than the other response I got.

Unfortunately there are some things, like marital status, that you can't know up front. on eHarmony, BUT I still prefer eHarmony to Match. The way I was slammed here for nonsense just proves my feeling about the importance of not being so visible to arbitrary websurfers , like on Match. It takes a great deal more work to ever be matched up with someone, and I do a bit "safer" on eHarmony (though I caution anyone to be very careful, and I could tell you stories that prove my point).

I don't think any of these sites are perfect, and like I said before, are mostly just great tools, to me, keep my heart open to the possibliity of meeting a great someone. I completely believe in the power of being pro-active in anything in life. But I would not depend soley on any dating service (or combination of dating services) to find you a relationship. Getting out of the house and doing what you love is just as important and likely to find a relationship. Dating services just up your odds a tiny bit.

Anyone here use any of the more private and exclusive sites? (I realize that this chat focuses on eHarmony and Match.)

Posted by: tall blonde at February 3, 2005 02:19 PM

So tall_guy, just so we are clear, you are open to the possibility of a meaningful connection with a great woman who is 6'3", 2 years older than you, and who outweighs you?

Just checking, because the only thing worse than a tall shallow blond is a hypocrite.

Posted by: Koriander at February 3, 2005 02:22 PM

Just to be clear, by "private and exclusive" I mean, not available to browse by the general public. Cupids Coach is one I am wondering about (though I know that their membership fees are much lower if you ask them!) or any other site that is not easy to browse by lookie-loos?

(See, now I am a bit paranoid...just an issue with typing and not being able to see facial expresssions and tone of voice. Easy to misconstrue (especially how one poster has decided to paint me).

Posted by: tall blonde at February 3, 2005 02:43 PM

Koriander, Im open to the possibility, sure, if she and I really hit it off.

Just to let you know, my last serious girlfriend was 5'10, 175. She carried it well but she would easily be considered overweight by most men's standards. It was funny, she often joked we could wear the same clothes. Her feet were as big as mine also.

We had a great time together, but she was in no hurry to settle down like I am, so it never had a chance.

Ive dated a lot of women (Im 33), when I go through photo albums with girls some are shocked at how beautiful some of them have been, and others are surprised how plain(for lack of a better term) some have been. Im my experience, the worst girlfriends are the best looking - they value people and relationships so little because there are always men pursuing them. They act like you are so lucky to be with them even if they are simply awfully people, and they are the biggest liars on the earth.

Like I said, I go through the profiles on and see dozens of these pretty girls with ridiculous expectations for potential mates. Their descriptions are unlike any person I have ever met they are so perfect and wealthy and romantic. And what do these women offer in return?

Posted by: tall_guy at February 3, 2005 03:11 PM

I think online dating services are just kind of the luck of the draw. I have met 4 couples (friends of friends) who married through eHarmony. However, I also know people who had no luck at all.

A word to the wise. A LOT of escort services advertise on I have several friends who have been matched with escort services. And they aren't very forward about it. They wait till the last minute to tell you it will cost you.

And as for the price, I know with eHarmony at least if you ask them for a promotional offer they usually have something much cheaper.

Posted by: Brandi at February 3, 2005 10:59 PM

Tall Guy: Good answer. :) Happy dating!

Posted by: Koriander at February 4, 2005 07:44 AM

Just one more thing to tall_blonde before I leave. I know girls, including my sister who ended up with guys who were "types" they never thought they would be with.

One girl I used to date married a curly blonde, kinda goofy surfer looking guy - and she had always sworn she never liked guys with blonde hair.

My sister has always had a distaste for hair loss and has always liked the clean shaven look. The man she fell madly in love with has about 20 hairs on the top of his head, and has a goatie. When I asked her about it she said she simply enjoyed every time she was with him so much he won her over.

My point is that if any of these couples were on and were shopping for photos and statistics of people they thought were "acceptable", the girls would NEVER have given these men a chance.

So ask yourself sometime how sad it is that you are willing to give up on the type of happiness they have because you refuse to give a guy a chance for being not quite tall enough, or not having quite the build you want.

You NEVER can tell for sure how attracted you will be to a PERSON simply by a small photo and a list of statistics.

Go ahead and be super picky, and have fun growing old alone.

Posted by: tall_guy at February 4, 2005 08:09 AM

I came here this morning hoping to discover if anybody else had suddenly been receiving substantially shorter matches from eHarmony. I'm 5'10", 50 years old . . . if my shoes even have a thick sole I'm 5'11" and can easily appear 6' tall. Suddenly, I started receiving matches that were 5'2". And not only that, but substantially younger than myself, too. You can bet your booties that those 5'2" 45-year old men closed me out faster than they could take a breath. And I don't blame them!

If this policy of eHarmony's works so well, then why do all the pictures featured on their home page and on the site as proof of their formula's success: a) show man taller than the woman; b) their facial features and body size/weight is very similar; c) they appear to be close in age or man older.

Where are the pictures of the 5'10" slender women happily hugging their chubby 5'2" soulmate? The photos of the petite, chubby 50 year old woman matched with the tall, athletic 45 year old guy? Or the 60 year old, bald, paunchy businessman and his new 40-year old beautiful love match? All I'm saying is that if physical differences and age matter so little in proportion to their 29 dimensions, then why aren't there more couples that prove this theory? The "proof" offered by eHarmony disproves their theory rather than enforces it. Best wishes to all the online daters out there!

Posted by: Another tall blonde at February 4, 2005 09:09 AM

Perhaps EHarmony has had so many complaints from women wanting to meet younger guys, and from shorter men wanting to meet taller women that it changed their selection ranges.

Posted by: curious at February 4, 2005 09:13 AM

I agree w/ the posts commenting on how you get a bunch of matches right before your membership expires. I tried a 3 month membership last year and met some interesting people .. but NOT "THE ONE" so I let my membership expire. I was tired of the no replys or the "matches" who only filled out about 1/3 of the initial profile. Then 2 1/2 months ago I got a special offer .. 3 months for the price of one! Thought I would try it again .... weeeelllll my 3 months is up on Feb 27 and I have YET to receive ONE match! I think they really DO just want our money. It WILLL be interesting to see how many matches I get as the month progresses. Good luck everyone in your search.

Posted by: blissful sucker at February 4, 2005 07:48 PM

True story: First date, I drive to Chattanooga from Birmingham on a rainy Friday night. He orders take-out and rents the Hillside Strangler. I'm surprised I didn't get a speeding ticket.

Posted by: Tall and (real) blonde at February 4, 2005 10:08 PM

True story: First date, I drive to Chattanooga from Birmingham on a rainy Friday night. He orders take-out and rents the Hillside Strangler. I'm surprised I didn't get a speeding ticket.

Posted by: Tall and (real) blonde at February 4, 2005 10:09 PM

Random Ramblings:

Lets see....

Had more than one man say that one of the reasons that they do not respond to *some* attractive women is because they [the women] can not spell for doo doo

I am a tall woman - over 6 feet in heels. I have not had a short man problem on the eHarmony site. I have had you are too tall problems however. Hmmmm.....

It is just over 5 weeks that I have been on eHarmony and I have had 150+ matches. I can not imadgine how it is possible that people are on this the system and get no matches in a 90 day period. How the heck is that possible? Exactly what is their matching criteria? 29 points of light? (Wink if you get it)

Truth is that after breaking up with my 4 year boyfriend - nearly one year to the day I signed up for eHarmony - and swimming through a pack of doctors, lawyers and pilots I have officially re-opened that 'your just not quit right' door and the handsome blueeyed sweetheart is looking reallllly good at the moment. Bless his normal 70/30 flaw appropriate self.

I am officially a 'not so picky/who the heck did I think I am' convert - and proud of it. Who in the world told us that we need to hold out for Mr. Perfect? My guess is that my soon to be ex-ex is going to make a handsome donation to eHarmony for bringing the "love" of his "life" to her senses. Just in the nick of time I might add....WHO KNEW?

Time to re-evaluate and re-VALUE the man that is standing right next to us holding our hand and just being a 'GOOD' guy. It just has to be enough. It just is.

Posted by: Jeanni at February 5, 2005 12:32 AM

Jeanni: You and I have one thing in common--we both received a lot of matches, a lot of responses, and are surprised to read about people who seem to get few responses and few matches.

However, my eharmony experience has led me in the opposite direction as you. I have had a couple of women friends for several years without dating either of them. I just didn't see them in that light, but have often considered whether I was making a mistake by passing them up. (Both have expressed interest in taking our relationship further.)

Meeting a woman on eharmony confirmed to me that "chemistry" is something that doesn't take a long time to build. My "platonic" female friends are nice people, but I can't "talk myself into" being attracted to them. This woman that I met on eharmony and I had the sparks immediately. Admittedly, it is too early for me to say how this relationship will end up. I am not suggesting that we are necessarily headed for marriage. My point is that my experience was the opposite of yours, in that I now feel more confident of my earlier decision to not "settle" for one of these other women.

Posted by: it can work the other way at February 6, 2005 01:13 PM

I live in central Montana, where it's not so easy to meet appropriate, available dates, and where one has to concede that a good match may not live in the same town, most of which are relatively small. However, I also lived in 4 large cities over a 19-year span and had no better luck finding Mr. Good Match there.

Anyway, my brother met his wonderful wife on in 1997 (ironically, after *I* told him I'd heard some good reports about it). Wish I could say I've had similar luck. I've subscribed a few times, sporadically, since then, have met some interesting people and had only one bad experience. (The guy turned out to be into "traditional femininity" and wanted me to wear dresses and make-up most of the time, whereas I'm the free-spirited, natural-look, outdoorsy kind. Too bad we couldn't have figured out the incompatibility within our first month of acquaintance, but that was our faults, not's.)

I signed up for eHarmony last Monday, and unfortunately plunked down my hard-earned $50 just a few hours before learning of eH's many perfidies on this site. I paid because one of the handful of (otherwise mediocre) matches eH sent me sounded terrific and lives in my hometown, an easy drive away. We just started open communication today, and I'm hoping he replies to my yahoo address by tonight so I can cancel eHarm before my 7-day trial expires. By the way, they've sent me no more matches since I paid them on Monday morning - no surprise after what I've read here. I want my 50 bucks back, dang it!

Anyway, in my experience, online dating is like most other things in life: a very mixed bag that requires careful sifting, a don't-take-it-personally attitude, and steely-eyed scrutiny before parting with your hard-won $$. It can pay off for a minority percentage of people who are patient, thick-skinned, and have a few discretionary dollars and hours to entertain themselves with. I'm paid up with through April, and if nothing pans out by then, I'll be joining Andrea's club, where at least my pets love me and are grateful for my attentions! Enough will finally be enough. I slept a lot better before I started back up with online dating.

Just one more comment: Anima remarked above that "I don't know what it is about these dating sites, but somehow they seem to make people feel as though it's OK to behave even worse than they would in real life, with less concern and respect for the other person than they would show somebody they were passing in traffic." Well, I've spent more years in fruitless dating than any well-meaning person should have to, and from my perspective, the dating process seems to bring out the worst in many otherwise decent-seeming people - just the kind of behavior Anima describes. (To be honest, I can't hold myself entirely blameless, either.) It strikes me as ironic that we look to such an often inhumane process to find us the love most of us crave. The most enduring relationships really do seem to be based on "friends first." Just like Grandmother said! Sigh.


P.S. Andrea, I've been missing your warm, witty contributions to this topic. How ya doing, girlfriend?

P.P.S. If anyone has a couple minutes to kill, feel free to critique my profile, "hillhiker2020". Last I checked, there was no charge just to peek at profiles.

Posted by: Laura in MT at February 6, 2005 01:43 PM

Just thought of one more thing about that's annoying: the "winks" feature. I get several winks a week, but rarely even a few words explaining why they're interested. I wouldn't turn around and start following a man who casually winks at me on the street, would you? Come on, guys, if you like someone's profile, it wouldn't kill you to SAY a little something. Toss me a crumb to chew on, at least.

Posted by: Laura in MT at February 6, 2005 01:57 PM

Laura: Per your request, I have looked at your profile. (You're right, you don't have to be a member to view profiles.)

Here are my comments:

1. I cannot believe that you are 48. Even allowing for the fact that your photos are somewhat fuzzy, and therefore may obscure some wrinkles, you look 30, not 48.

2. How does a good looking, straight woman get to be 48 without being married? Notwithstanding your protests, I don't think living in Montana is good for singles.

Posted by: critique of Laura at February 6, 2005 03:47 PM

I was going to say the same thing, that judging by those pictures you could easily pass for late twenties. That's amazing.

Posted by: tunesmith at February 6, 2005 03:54 PM

Yeah you look great for 48. I dont know if I would say 20's but surely early-mid 30s looking.

I think the absence of warm weather in Montana probably kept you out of the sun compared to girls in LA, who supplement with fake-tan also. I think a lot of guys like me are used to seeing pretty wrinkled up faces on girls who are early 30s from all that damage.

As to why Laura is single, my guess she is either divorced or just has very high standards.

Posted by: another_critique at February 7, 2005 08:03 AM

I am 36 and going through a divorce. I was playing around on the internet entertaining the thought of signing up on EH. Boy am I glad I found this site. Thankful to not be out the money and to also save my self esteem from being battered. Why does it have to be so hard for nice normal people to find each other? Are we really in the minority? And if I hear one more person say "Honey there are other fish in the sea." I'm going to have to scream. Why do people think I want to date a fish?

Posted by: singleagain at February 8, 2005 10:00 AM

Singleagain: This is not what you want to hear but there is a free site called which is pretty good depending on your age and geographic location.

Posted by: Bob at February 9, 2005 03:35 AM

If you are a guy dont bother with that I went there and did a search, there are 34 single women on the site in my geographic area, and 614 men! Most of the women were very overweight judging by their photos.

Posted by: not_likely at February 9, 2005 07:29 AM

I usually think of myself as a glass half full type of person, but re: these internet dating sites, I am pretty leary of them. I took a gander at the fish site, and it seemed to be married guys looking for a fling or people I wouldn't date. I don't consider myself old at 36, but I don't see going out to the bars all the time to be the best entertainment.

After having my self-esteem beat to hell over the last several years this dating thing is going to be hard. But I am going to do it. Not because I have to have a man in my life to make me complete, but because I want to.

Posted by: singleagain at February 9, 2005 04:55 PM

Top 10 Reasons Why Can Suck My Balls: (since none of its members are going to be)

10. 1 in 10 female profiles is an escort service.
9. Another 1 in 10 are not active on the site.
8. Another 1 in 10 are not single.
7. Another 1 in 10 are actually guys looking for pics and stories from other guys.
6. 9 out of 10 females profiles have something horribly wrong i.e. kids, divorced, obese, old, drop-dead ugly or outrageously boring. Why does every single profle have to say "I like to go out or have a quiet night at home." Wow, I really learned a lot about you.
5. Another 9 out of 10 females will never respond to your emails, no matter how much thought you put into them and how polished your profile is.
4. Horrible descriptors. What the hell does "curvy" mean? Every female is f-in curvy. There are gorgeous and obese girls advertising themselves as "curvy" on match. And "about average"?!? I will say no more.
3. Their "matches" are atrocious. You're just as likely to find the rare good one on page 40 as page 1.
3. 8:1 male to female ratio in Connecticut. (I figured it out by filling out a profile as a female.) And modt of the guys are meatheaded morons with no real-life game who are looking for a fuck, or single old men with money to burn looking for young sugar-daddy-seeking hos to buy clothes for. Good luck with that.
1. THEY STOLE MY MONEY. MAKING MATCHES ONLY HURTS THEM, BECUASE YOU WON'T RESUBSCRIBE. To everyone at, go fuck yourselves. You're gonna have to, cause your site won't help you meet anyone else to help you with that.

Posted by: Wolfy at February 9, 2005 07:20 PM

Wow, 22 out of 10. Those are bad odds!

Posted by: tunesmith at February 9, 2005 07:42 PM

Here's a closely guarded secret revealed: eHarmony's toll-free customer service number, which they don't publish anywhere on their site: 1-800-648-9548. They don't even indicate a toll number. Ironically, their customer service-FAQ page shows a photo of a woman wearing a telephone headset!

More about my experience with them in a later post.

Posted by: Laura in MT at February 10, 2005 07:12 AM

Does it seem like there are many more men in the world than females? It is supposed to be the opposite, but everywhere I go I mostly see men. There are only 3 girls in my office, 40 guys. In my building there are about 10 girls and 100 men. When I go to the gym, there are about 20 girls and 50 guys there - and half of the girls are married moms. When I go to a bar or club its always at least 2 to 1 guys to girls ratio. Online its ever worse. And anytime I go out shopping or to the mall I see mostly men. I live in the DC area BTW.

Posted by: Guy at February 10, 2005 08:22 AM

Hey Guy, we should switch cities. I'm in St. Louis and here it is more woman then men. One of the news channels here did a story on it once about hard it is for single women to find single men here.

Posted by: singleagain at February 10, 2005 10:32 AM

A word to the wise.Under no circumstances, ever sign up with the freebie sites. They always have more of the creeps who give web dating a bad name.They're married, they're bi-curious,god knows what else-DO NOT bother with MatchDoctor or if you value your time. Both of them you may think what have you got to'll find out eventually-a lot of self-esteem. Sure, you can use them for as long as you want, when you want, but they both have a catch.MatchDoctor will only get those annoying banners out of your way if you "upgrade" your membership. But with such a poor response rateand a shitty clientele,why bother? Everyone is either in two categories: a "new" member-that little icon will be by your screen name-or "old" -a serial net-dater who's been on there since god-knows-when,may have met somebody and forgot to close out or doesn't visit the site very often and has no incentive to.I figured that out when it seemed that only "new" members would hit on me; men five states away even and there's men in their system that are in my frigging area code.May I also add that people on MatchDoctor will blatantly state that they are married and sneaking around. Man,if they're not ashamed to tell that,what's the rest like? Also what is the point of having that essay page when people never take the time to fill those out? Not even answer "describe yourself" and "describe who youd like to meet" in only a few words? Nobody there tells anything about themselves. little two word answrs like "nice funny guy" and "i want the same" I'm already bored,sweetie.Also stay away from Reciprodate because everything is cheesy and substandard. Usrs are all married,have bad taste in what they look for,and the clientele is poor and not very spread out.

Bottom line:"you have nothing to lose" is only about money.

Just start out buying one month and seeing what you think,if you get more for your $$$. Then move on to the next site if you like it better or just switch gears.

Pay to play!

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at February 10, 2005 12:51 PM is a complete rip-off. They have illegally pilfered questions from the MMPI (a famous personality test from decades ago that is now totally out of sync with reality). Once matched by this flawed and ancient system of questions with a "potential" partner, what does do next? They ask you to send and receive even MORE questions to your "potential" partner. At this point, most attractive women are rolling their eyes back and starting to softly snore, and the good-looking guys have been completely asleep for hours. What's left to still answer the questions are people that look like they have been living under a rock for 20 years. Pasty white, grossly overweight, and with the most bizarre concepts about interpersonal relationships in this galaxy. Fucking outer-space aliens. gaack! Jeez. shudder

Posted by: Flush Garden at February 11, 2005 08:18 PM

I attempted to resign from eHarmony on Feb. 6 (as I mentioned above on that date), before my 7-day trial was up. I wrote them a polite email explaining my reasons for wanting a refund, and waited. After two days with no reply from them, I called their phone number, which I found on this site (thanks!); they don't publish any phone number on their site.

Once I got through to live people, they were very courteous and professional, although it took the first guy several minutes to locate the email I'd sent two days before. The young man in the billing department who processed my refund concluded our conversation by wishing me "a blessed day." They even sent me a follow-up email confirming my resignation and promising my refund would come through in 2-5 business days.

Although my real-time experience with their customer service was essentially positive, I must say EHarmony is making a major business mistake by being so stingy with their customer service. A service-oriented business like theirs with the "six million members" they boast of - and let's assume only five percent are actual paid subscribers - needs to have a published, toll-free phone number and day, night, and weekend customer service. Yes, it would cost them, but the improved service would earn them better press and word of mouth. They're being penny-wise and pound-foolish in the meantime.

And guess what? They do indeed have a toll-free number, but they didn't divulge it until they sent that confirmation email about my refund. It's 1-800-648-9548.

Despite eHarmony's flaws, I have to say from what I've read above that most of the upsets folks have described about their eH experiences probably result more from people's rudeness to each other than from eH itself. Strangers can be shockingly rude to each other on online dating sites because there's no face-to-face accountability. That's just an unfortunate part of human nature.

Please, folks, don't be part of the problem. Kindness costs you nothing.

Posted by: Laura in MT at February 11, 2005 08:49 PM

I sent the email below to eHarmany and get nothing back. I know it's true. Another company wanting your money.


Do you hold back communication in hope of getting a monthly subscription fee? I think your holding all my communications with others until I sign up for the full $49.95 per month fee and then after I pay that you’ll hold back for a couple more months. I signed up for the 9.95 two week access, after I did that I was getting communication left and right. Then I logged on and stopped the automatic rebilling option and now it’s like everything just stopped. I also think I could prove this. I would like my $9.95 refunded ASAP. This service is just like a hacker stealing bank account numbers, but only worst, because your playing with persons emotions.

Posted by: Russell at February 12, 2005 10:23 PM

Profile review of Laura in MT:
your response to 'want kids' is ambiguous.
your wants in a date are too vague. Seriously, I don't want to be invovled in a relationship with a woman whose wants in a man are so braod that I am not special.
You look 38 in your pictures. But how old are your pictures? You have different hair lengths in all of them. If they are recent you should say so. Half the women in your age range have pictures where they look 38. Probably because the pictures were taken when they were 38. A guy is going to discount your younger appearance unless you state how old the pictures are.
Just for grins I did a male/female search in your area. There a 1.5 men per women in you age range/area, so that probably is not the problem.
I think by far the biggest problem with your profile is your stated age range that you want in a man (40-52). You have effectivelly limited your availbable pool of prospective mates to those between 47 and 52. Like it or not very few 44 year old men are going to want to date a 48 year old woman. That's the way the world works. You benefited from the disportionately large attention you recieved from older men when you were in your youth, now its time for the younger women to enjoy that attention. Conversely, if I am a 50 year old guy I am going to be a little turned off by a woman that clearly want a younger guy, I am going to think she has an attitude problem.

Posted by: John9876 at February 13, 2005 11:19 AM

It seems that there are a lot of unhappy people re: the whole online dating thing. How can people not become guarded with what they are reading. Even if a person is actually honest about age, weight, ect. how many people are going to believe it? I remember there was an earlier post about how you always need to add at least 10 pounds to a woman's weight. I don't understand why someone would lie about that. If it comes to a time to meet the person, you can't really lie about it then. Hello world I weigh 114 give or take a pound. Its just like my age, what is wrong with being 36? I'm not going to try to hide anything to anyone. Because when I meet someone, I don't want to have to back peddle and try to explain why I said things that were half truths, or not even true at all. How I wish dating could be simipler. I guess the reason why I get hurt is because I don't play games, I just throw myself out there. I don't know.

Posted by: singleagain at February 13, 2005 06:16 PM

To all of you lonely hearts, I must say this: "The only true way to meet some is to physically make contact and spend some actual quality time with that individual. Understandably, internet dating is a quick and efficent way to root out potential duds, however, if this is something very important to you, say a life partner, do you not think that you owe it to yourself to really try to "catch", that perfect someone. Life is often times a game, and it it what you make.

Basically to summarize my point. Do you really lack that much time that you must find your dating life online, viewing picture and having short conversations with other people who are wasting their money just the same as. But hey, each to his/her own.

Posted by: tohellw internet dating at February 14, 2005 02:48 AM

Hey singleagain - I agree that a good relationship starts with being honest. But for many people they find that they cant be honest and still get matched. Many people who are overweight, or short cant get any mutual matches because of how selective people are online. I am lucky because I am 6'1", in very good shape and have a great career. I have about 12 pages of potential mutual matches on - which I never use anymore because its pointless BTW. But I have "red/auburn" hair which many women dont think they would find attractive. Its funny because girls tell me all the time I dont look like a guy with red hair - whatever that means. But anyway if I change my hair color to "brown" - and its half brown anyway - I get 56 pages of mutual matches! But Im not going to lie just on the chance that some of those girls might find me attractive because I dont quite look like a typical red haired man looks. But I can see the temptation - and Im sure thats why some shorter guys lie about their height, or pudgy guys put down "athletic or toned". Or some older girls lie about their age.

Posted by: Guy at February 14, 2005 10:17 AM

Your profile sounds very similar to mine. I have been on for less than a month, but would agree that it is a waste of time for guys because of the M/F ratio. The $ cost is insignificant to me so I keep my profile on there with a note saying that I am not going to play the numbers game, and that if a woman want's me to contact her she has to wink at me. My hair color is similar to your hair. Initially I put down red, because I wanted to distiguish myself. But after looking at a lot of female profiles, I came to the conclusion that there is a fear among women about 'red' hair. I presume that they equate 'red hair' with the Carrot Top type. My hair doesn't look anything like that. I don't feel that I am at all lying by saying that my hair is light brown. It looks light brown in pictures, and for the most part is light brown. Another quirk that I found is that a lot of woman seem to not understand the term 'agnostic', and have excluded that from their faith list. So I just put in 'no answer' and type a short explaination. Of course all this is mostly for naught since all of the women that contact me either don't want to have children or are grossly over weight. Mostly the latter.

Posted by: John9876 at February 14, 2005 10:59 AM

Online singles sites are such a rip off. They are full of fake profiles - and they especially target men. Check out this email I got from a singles site

"Hiya! Lisa here from the personals. Please forgive me for keeping this so short! It's been a while since you messaged me, and for all I know you may have found someone else? I got a new job working with a major airline and I've been traveling all over the country. Only problem is I barely have time to get on the computer....which is why I've taken a while to get back to you. Refresh my memory. Which personals site did you find me on? I had my profile on a few, but I only use 1 nowadays since the others didn't work out for me. I attached my picture in this email in case you forgot what I look like, but you can also see my full profile here at My screen name is LisaWatson00 My photo on the site is well...unclothed hehe and I hope you like what you see. I recently found out that I could lose my job with the airline for posting nude pictures of myself so I am not showing my face in the pic. I'd probably also lose my husband which is also why I placed my ad in Birmingham so there would be no suspicion. ;o) I'm thinking about taking it down soon...but I can send you some face pics if you'd like. Let me know what you think!"

Gee I wonder if I should join, this Lisa sounds great and I guess we really had a connection way back whenever - I mean she is sending me naked pictures and wants to leave her husband for me - so we must have hit it off right?

I guess the average internet idiot is stupid enough to fall for this racket and hand over his credit card.

The are all a big scam to rip off millions of men. I cant believe some big news agency hasnt done a writeup on how they scam people - and all the places do it - Eharmony,, Yahoo - and yeah those russian sites too - they all do whatever it takes to get your credit card number and keep charging it. None of them could care less if anybody actually found happyness.

Posted by: what_a_joke at February 14, 2005 01:04 PM

hey guy,
I couldn't help but laugh at what you wrote because I currently have red hair. I was sick of the "dumb blonde" sterotype and wanted to make a fun change.

I find it amazing the diff. in responses you get based on hair color. That really blows my mind. I can honestly say I don't think hair color would make me decide to pass or look twice at someone's profile. (or if they had hair or not for that matter)

I've decided I'm not going to become bitter about this whole dating thing. (or the lack there of, ha ha) I'm a hopeless romantic and believe I'll meet someone again. I tell ya, I'm cute, funny and love sports, what is there not to love? So why am I on this message board people may ask? Well, it started by getting info on the internet match making thing, and now I enjoy reading what people have to say. It makes me feel better knowing that there are other normal people out there suffering along with me. :)

Posted by: singleagain at February 14, 2005 03:57 PM

I dont find it too amazing personally. Because there are so many people on these sites in large metropolitan areas, users can be extremly picky and still get hundreds of people who qualify.

I got a bunch of matches today via email and less than 1/2 of them would consider dating somebody with "red/auburn" hair, but an even higher number wouldent consider somebody who was less than 5'10" tall.

Im not bitter about any of this either, I chalk it up to people looking for their ideal mate. These online systems allow them to screen for even the slightest non-conformity to their ideal, so they take advantage of it. I mean there are things that are important to me also, I would really like to find somebody who stays fit like I do.

Posted by: Guy at February 15, 2005 11:56 AM

John9876 - lots of younger women aren't interested in older men either. Unless the older men are young enough to be their older brothers. But if the men are old enough to be their fathers, or grandfathers? Forget it. Why should young women feel privileged to get attention from men old enough to be their fathers if they're not interested in them?

Contrary to popular belief, many young women prefer men closer to their own age.

If you see younger women with much older men it's usually because the women are gold-diggers.

Sure there are some younger women who like much older men for themselves and not their money. But they tend to be exceptions more than the rule.

That's also the way the world works.

It seems to me that many older men who want women young enough to be their daughters also have attitude problems; because they have such an overinflated sense of entitlement.

Posted by: ARL at February 15, 2005 03:39 PM


I just provided the feedback that was requested. The social norm of women marrying older men has existed for centuries, if not forever. Of course there are exceptions (demi moore, and ..?). But, on average a man (up until the age of 40) will marry a woman three years younger than himself. After that shifts in supply and demand will cause that age difference to increase. 4 years younger at 50. 5 years younger at 60. Hence a 48 year old woman would have the greatest odds of finding a mate by focusing on men centered around the age of 52, say 48-56 years old. A 60 year old woman would have the greatest odds of finding a mate by focusing on men centered around the age of 65.5, say 61-70. The fact that said 48 and 60 year old women 'want' younger men is not particularly relavent. They are certainly within their rights to continue looking, it doesn't matter to me. On a tangently related matter, I do get a little tired of reading rants (about 20% of the posts on this site) from self described 'young' women over the age of 45 that claim dating sites are ripoffs because all they get are contacts from 'old' men. I'm 42 if you were wondering.

Posted by: John9876 at February 15, 2005 06:35 PM

Step, EH is a site for older (25-80Y) more serious daters. Okcupid is populated almost entirely by college age students (18-21). It's hard for me to believe that anyone that was thrilled with okcupid, would have ever been a memeber of EHarmony.

Posted by: LPJ at February 16, 2005 09:15 AM

Yeah I just checked out that OkCupid site and its all about the younger crowd. There is like 2 girls in my area that are 30 years or older and they are the purple haired tattoo'd type looking for 20-22 year old guys to play with.

Posted by: I_Agree at February 16, 2005 09:22 AM

In response to LPJ: I am 28 (which I guess makes me relatively young), and have been a member of eharmony for months at a time. I still have an active subscription that is expiring this month, and that I won't be renewing. EH was a spectacular failure, and a pure waste of money. I guess they are trying to scam older people who are more willing (and able to afford) to pay for their sham of a service.

It is true that okcupid has a young user base, but if more varied people joined I am still convinced it would work out better for everybody. It is still a young site and is growing steadily. There are plenty of users in their 30s, but it is true that it may not work very well at the moment for users age 40 and above. Just give it time, I guess... At least you are *able* to monitor the age distribution of their users.

Posted by: Stef at February 16, 2005 01:51 PM

I wanted to comment on this thought...

"I'd rather sleep with my vibrator or die alone than have to deal with some 'icky' loser who doesn't meet my every expectation of perfection and worldview"

I have to agree that a disturbingly large and increasing number of women are falling into that trap. Many of them will chose a life of being single with occasional brief sexual encounters over settling down with a nice gentleman.

I know of several girls like this but one in particular is a girl in my office. She tells everyone she is engaged, but I see her on all the time and her profile is like many others. Huge list of requirements to have any opportunity to have a chance with her. Its too bad because there are at least a dozen guys in my office and in the building that are "settle down" age and maturity that she could easily chose one of and have a great opportunity with. But to be honest, none of them meet the strict criteria she has specified online.

Maybe she will find this "perfect" person, but honestly she is nothing so special that she deserves somebody like that. In fact, most people around here agree she is kinda clueless.

Perhaps I will look into this Russian thing in the future...

Posted by: ThinkinAboutRussians at February 17, 2005 08:26 AM

Come on guys please don't group all women as being that shallow. That would be like us saying all guys expect a thin girl with big boobs. Yes, there is the society preception of what the perfect body is, but do you really think the true majority of people think they are going to find someone to match that?

I don't know what my "perfect" man would be consistent of. I therefore don't want to take a survey to pigeon-hole my "life partner". I know what qualities I'm interested in and not interested in, but I realize that there has to be some compromise. I wouldn't turn someone away for the wrong hair color. However I will admit I wouldn't be thrilled about dating a smoker.

And since I know I want to find someone to be with again, I'm not going to set the bar so high that it would be impossible to find that guy. But with that being said, I'm not setting it so low that I will date any guy. After having a marriage that crumbled away because my husband didn't respect me, I know I will not settle for anyone who won't respect me or puts me down. Nope, not going to make that mistake again.

Posted by: singleagain at February 17, 2005 10:49 AM

I don't see where anyone said that "all" women are shallow. That certainly is not my opinion. But, I can understand you getting that impression from the collective posts over the past few days. I actually prefer it when women are picky, it gives me direction. Though it seems that some women shape their standards to the demograhics of the online (or dream world) marketplace, rather that the real world marketplace. In spite of all that I like the detailed profiles of a lot of the women on, I just have chosen not to indure the time lose and brain damage of competing at a 3-1 disadvantge with other men, many of whom spam, lie and post old photos to even the odds. So, I have been on EHarmony for a week now (I gave up on rather quickly). Even after taking into account the 30+% of matches I get that are clearly not members, the majority of profiles that I read are so generic as to be meaningless (I like to have fun, I like to do things indoors and outdoors, My family and friends are important to me, I have a big heart, blah, blah, blah). In part I blame the cliches on the way EHarmony sells their service (total BS IMHO), and the way EHarmony formats their questions. Of the 4 EH 'matches' that I have been getting everyday, I would say that only 1 of the 4 has a profile/picture that I can even form an opinion about. In short, I would chose a picky woman over a vague woman most any day, but be realistic.

Posted by: John9876 at February 18, 2005 10:17 AM

re: all the comments stating that women have "too many expectations"--
why the hell SHOULDN'T we??? women in 2005 america, i'm sorry to inform you, don't NEED to get married in order to have a fulfilling life. contrary to popular opinion, not all of us are racing to the altar at breakneck speed. i've got a good job that enables me to support myself and my 3 year old son. i've got a great group of friends (sadly, most of them feel they need a man to be complete--fine, whatever, it just means i have occasional nights of flying solo). i've got a vibrator and a remote control and know where to buy cosmopolitan mix and vodka. i'm quite capable of figuring out what that noise is in the middle of the night, why the cat is puking his weight, and why my "ABS" light in the car keeps coming on. not to mention the fact that i sometimes like to eat dinner standing at the kitchen counter, leave my underwear on the bathroom floor, and have been known to leave a load of towels in the dryer for a solid week. so my "need" for a man is limited to someone to have some grins with and possibly dinner. meaning i can afford to be picky as hell. why should i settle? if you don't NEED a car, you're not going to buy the first hoopdie (did i spell that right?) to show up in the classifieds, are you?

i went on my very last internet-found "date" a little over a month ago. the guy wasn't stellar, and though his photos weren't unattractive, i wasn't slobbering on my keyboard--but he was well-spoken (e-mail and phone) and seemed to have a brain and a sense of humor. of course, the night i was supposed to meet him, my car battery died--i called to tell him as much, and he didn't believe me. so i invited him to come check it out for himself, and give me a jump start while he was at it. when he arrived, it was painfully obvious that he had misrepresented his age by at least 6-10 years. i was pissed. i tend to think i look BETTER in person than my photos portray, and my experiences have been the opposite--i get guys who post glamour-shots that were taken 10 years and 50 pounds ago. even worse, the guy got offended that i was more interested in obtaining a new battery than in accompanying him to a happy hour. when he e-mailed me the following monday, i explained my disappointment in his deception--he took the defensive and ripped me a new one. i mentioned "stalking" and told him to cease and desist.
about a week ago, he e-mailed me and admitted to having lied about his age because he'd been tired of getting e-mail from "old women."
i have since deleted all on-line profiles and will resume hanging out in coffee shops and bars by myself or with friends. and if a romance springs forth, so be it--if not, i'll just buy more batteries.

Posted by: Angela at February 18, 2005 11:53 AM

Does anyone on here have any experiences with

I live in middle Georgia and did a 25-mile radius keysearch. I was given two pages of matches for guys between 25 and 42 years of age.
But it was no surprise like I'd come to expect from cheap ass freebie sites-worthless,trashy males, most either married or only wanting to fool around with some dippy chick. I'm not even going to bother or take a chance on "you never know" and "where you least expect it..." A wise man once said you don't need to step in shit twice to know that it stinks. A kind of earthy way to make a point that if you don't like what you see one time, the second time won't be different.

Maybe it's just Southern guys who have no class or taste.Which is no surprise online or off. Southern men are all crass,crude,lackwitted dolts.(If you're one of the "gentlemen" then I do apologize.)

Anyway, ladies, always remember that when a man puts in for his marital status:

"Prefer not to say"
"I'll tell you later"
"That's personal, isn't it?"

It always invariably means: I'm married and I want some fuckdoll for a discreet encounter.

Just a word to the wise.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at February 18, 2005 12:15 PM

EHarmony protocol questions

I am a new member of EHarmony and I am wondering the following:
Is the male expected to initiate all contact?
What is with the fast tract button? At what point, if ever, is it appropriate to use it? Do most people use it? Is it an insult if I don't use it?
I wrote my profile such that I was expecting 70% of my matches to close me out quickly (within 48 hours). But they aren't, even when it is clear we are not a good match. What is the problem here? Do women not read men's profiles until after they are contacted?

Posted by: John9876 at February 18, 2005 08:41 PM

thanks Mary,
I was figuring that 30% of the profiles were inactive (that doesn't bother me as long as they continue to send me a lot of matches). But I was assuming that all the profiles with photos (even those with the view at later date option) and that had answered all the questions were most probably active members. I'm 42, I put in my profile that having children was important to me, and that adoption was not an opiton. I should think that 70% of my matches would have closed me out quickly because of that alone.

Posted by: John9876 at February 18, 2005 11:45 PM

Jon: I am of similar age to you and put those same things in my profile, with similar responses as you received. I don't have 70 % of the matches closing me. That's O.K., you just need to "close out" the older women.

To answer your other questions: Most women on eharmony don't like to receive fast track invitations. Also, you are correct that lack of a photo and not having all questions answered is a sure sign that someone is not a member. However, most of my matches do have photos and are members.

Another, general comment--this blog seems to focus on the challenges and have very few reports of people actually having real dates with people that they have met on line. My experience (although still somewhat early) indicates that there are many women on eharmony who post recent pictures of themselves and are honest in their profiles. This blog seems to attract only the people with negative experiences, which would present a biased view to an uninformed reader.

My advice to guys--fish where the fish are--eharmony. Apparently women are very attracted to eharmony because of all of the personality test stuff and cutesy adverstising. Eharmony is the only site that seems to have so many real women actively searching, and that is great for us guys.

Angela: Just because one idiot lied about his age and posted an old photo, I wouldn't give up and assume that every guy does that. Dating is hit-and-miss, trial and error, whether you are using on-line services or other means. I think a person needs to keep trying. Some women may say that they won't mind growing old alone, but few women would truly be happier in that lifestyle.

Posted by: Not70% at February 19, 2005 07:49 AM

Not 70% you really hit it head on. You do have to deal with the little "white lies" and the dating games regardless if it is online or in a live sitution. I guess the advantage of meeting people up front face to face you have a "real" feel for the age.

Like I've said before, I don't understand why people lie or stretch the truth about themselves. I want someone to be interested in me for me, not a made-up me. :)

Posted by: singleagain at February 19, 2005 10:00 AM

I tried EHarmony for a bit but didnt find it much better than the honestly. I think it makes it easier to start communications however.

At first I tried requesting communications with any girl that looked like a dating possibility.

Basically that came down to a few criteria,

1.) Did not look extremly overweight in their photo - by that I mean she probably didnt weigh more or much more than me ( 180lbs ).

2.) Did not mention clubbing or drinking in her profile or have photos of her drinking it up. Ive found through painfull experiences that party girls are a waste of time. Unfortunately thats a pretty big part of a lot of young womens lives.

3.) Sounded intelligent, either an interesting career or hobby that sounded like she had a head on her shoulders.

However, almost none of them responded!

Many girls contacted me with hidden photos, who I communicated with until they revealed themselves as very overweight. I felt bad about closing them out but Im so fit - and excersise and healthy eating is so ingrained in me that they would not enjoy dating me either. Also a lot of women that were 5+ years older than me would request communications. In fact just about every member that was that much older would issue a request.

So basically I just planned on sitting out the 3 months but then about 2-3 date-able girls a week started contacting me. So basically about the same as the number of "winks" I would get on However also like match, many of them would never continue communications.

But the main problem is the same as the other sites. First you just cant judge chemistry online, so people reject others they may have had chemistry with - never giving them a chance. And then when you meet these "strangers" for the first time, it just usually isnt what you expected and mostly you just dont feel a click. And for such a huge time investment, hours of communicating and emails and phone calls. Then once you meet them you have to get through the liars and the weirdos before you meet someone worth dating. Blah - too much effort.

Although I met 2 girls that turned onto relationships online, guess I shouldent complain too much.

Posted by: Guy at February 20, 2005 05:58 PM

Guy you sound like you know what you are talking about. I think it is great you are so upfront and honest.

I wish more people could be that way.

Next month there is a "singles" dance for divorced/separted people. I'm going to check it out. I can only hope that I won't be walking into a group that is 10 plus in years older then me. It kind of seems like a good idea to go.

But let me ask all of you men out there...
Do you shy away from or think less of a 36 woman who is divorced? (no kids btw) I mean with the sad divorce rate in our country now, is there a bad stigma with divorce still?

I don't introduce myself and say hi I'm divorced, but I don't want someone to think I'm being dishonested by not putting that out there. Or is it even important?

Posted by: singleagain at February 20, 2005 08:06 PM

It doesn't matter to me if a woman is divorced once or twice. Three or more times would be a red flag. I don't think most guys care.

Posted by: John9876 at February 20, 2005 09:18 PM

I decided to get more involved with activities around town, partially because it would be fun and partially because it's a good way to meet people. I got the "Bridge for Dummies" for Christmas, so I found out there is a local bridge club that meets Wednesdays. I went and out of twenty-two of us, I was the only male and at 40 was the youngest person there by about 20 to 25 years. I actually had a good time (everyone kept referring to me as "young man") and I actually may continue going because the game is fun, but I won't have any hopes of meeting any "potentials." Back to online personals, does anyone know anything about They seem legitimate, but appearances can be deceiving. And any ideas on their success rate, male/female ratio, etc.? Thanks.

Posted by: David at February 21, 2005 12:33 AM

Maybe it's just me. But if I do something that I wouldn't ever EVER ordinarily do just to meet women, like 'play Bridge', then I feel like a total impotent phoney dork. And hence would not be able to get to know a woman under such circumstances even if she sat on my lap.

You would probably have good luck meeting 30something women at Lamaze classes. Ok, not funny. I don't know where they hide either.

Posted by: maybejustme at February 21, 2005 01:25 PM

Not70%--i guess i just have more testosterone than "most women," because i truly have no qualms about spending the rest of my life ALONE. people say that like it's a death sentence. it actually sounds peaceful to me.
that said, the one idiot who lied about his age was actually one of many idiots who either lied about their age or their weight or their marital status or their intentions of remaining in my geographical area. i don't consider those "innocent white lies." i consider them false advertising, and crap. hey, men on internet dating sites are more than willing to blow off women based 100% on appearance--are women not entitled to the same courtesy?
i guess my point was (and is) that my manhunt is sort of like a rodeo drive shopping event--i'm not out to buy something i need--i'm more looking for a killer pair of shoes for my sister's wedding.
maybe THAT'S my problem--guys aren't interested in women who make it relatively clear that they don't need them to survive.

Posted by: Angela at February 21, 2005 02:19 PM

maybeitsjustme, have you ever considered doing something you enjoy whether or not it increases your chances of meeting someone to possibly date? As for your "impotent phony" comment - that was a rather odd choice of words. I will leave the analysis to others . . .

Posted by: David at February 21, 2005 08:56 PM

Are there any other guys out there about mid-20s years old who would like to date or marry someone in their mid-30s? Women my age or younger (about 25) only want to date total @$$holes, and most aren't as mature as me. Do any women in the 30+ age group want a mid-20 year old man for a relationship of equals, e.g., not playing a "Mom" sort of role? What about on eHarmony? seems fun, but is geared more to the 18-22 year old crowd in college like others have said. How does one go about finding a 30+ year old (kids or not) to hang out with or get involved with? Is money the primary consideration, or stability, or looks, or...?

Posted by: Jerry at February 21, 2005 11:02 PM

Jerry, from my point of view as a 36 year old woman, it would be hard for me to jump into a relationship with someone in their twenties. Not that I would totally rule it out, just be very cautious. And I guess that would be because of experience. You would be the exception to the rule of most twenty somethings. But every person is their own person. I'm willing to bet you are more mature and responsible then some thirty somethings.

You might look into single groups at churches. (now don't roll your eyes, not everyone who goes to church is a holy roller thumping the bible all day) Probarly will find people in their thirties more so then the twenties.

Not to be vain, and I hate saying this, but looks do play a part. There has to be some chemistry there. I want to be attracted to the person. Then next for me is stabiltily. I want to settle down. So that is my two cents worth...

Posted by: singleagain at February 22, 2005 02:03 PM

I'm beginning to think that Im going to need to move from my area if I ever want to get married. There are just so few good single women in my area that they get snatched up instantly.

I tried the church thing, even though I felt weird about going to church to meet women. There were no girls in my dating range at the church nearest my townhouse. Lots of married people and their kids. Perhaps I am at a weird age ( 33 ), between the area where there are a lot of first time singles ( 20-25 ) and people who have been divorced ( late 30's to mid 40's ). Every girl I know or meet either has a ring or is seriously involved with someone. But I know tons of single guys.

My ex-girlfriend has been emailing me lately, maybe I will just get back together with her. Who knows maybe she has grown up. The thought of that doesent appeal to me too much, that cant be a good sign.

The bars and clubs are overflowing with young, attractive "live for the moment" types but none of them want anything serious.

I think its time to shine up the resume and look for some greener pastures.

Posted by: Guy at February 23, 2005 10:15 AM

A year or so after my wife died I joined Match as a way to meet as many people as possible to learn how to be single again after 26 years of marriage. Match was exactly what I thought it would be. I have received many e-mails, which surprised me since I'm 56. I have responded to every one and have met a few for coffee or dinner. Some never reply. And that's ok, too. I never cared about bogus info and have never been solicited by a prostitute. When I have the perfect body, I'll expect that from those I meet. Until that happens, I just accept others as they are. If I didn't like what I saw, I just didn't pursue it any further. Those I've met have been pretty normal people. However, none were really ever clear, even to themselves, as to what they were looking for. My impression is that most are drifting around aimlessly, hoping to reach some undefined Nirvana. Good grief. If you don't know what you want and don't know where you are going, you never get anywhere! It's not the other person's job to help you "find yourself". However, that said, hope does spring eternal, doesn't it?

Posted by: Mac at February 23, 2005 11:52 AM

Well Guy, like I said before, your odds would be good in St. Louis. All I see is single women and couples. Haven't figured out where the decent single guys are yet. Looks like we are both suffering from bad luck with our demographics.

But don't settle or sell yourself short. I bet there is a reason she is an ex-girlfriend. I've given all my friends permission to bitch slap me if I ever talk about wanting to take my ex-husband back.

Posted by: singleagain at February 23, 2005 08:58 PM

I canceled my account because Eharmony has no hieght range setting I am a 6'3" woman and they kept sending me profiles on fellows that where 5'5" I am sure those shorter guys get sick of it also.They sent me fluffy e mails telling me that hieght should not be a factor "GET REAL"! They also charge your account and then tell you about it.I still have not received a refund.

Posted by: Alli at February 23, 2005 09:19 PM

It's been quite interesting reading the comments here. I recently rejoined eharmony and deeply regret bothering with it. The only matches I've received in nearly 2 weeks is a man whose pictures show him wearing a skirt.... and another who lives a substantial distance away.

I was painfully honest in my profile...I'm 48! Nothing I can do about it and there is nothing I can do about having more kids...I can't so where they are hiding this abundance of men is a mystery to me...unless they simply want a younger woman...which isn't a surprise I guess.

For those men out there claiming we American women are shallow and bitchy...I'd say look to yourselves first and see just what criteria YOU are using in your search.

Does she have to be a cookie cutter woman? Grace the cover of Sports Illustrated? Victoria's Secret? in order to catch your attention?

Or are you looking for intelligence, wit, kindness, and a romantic soul?

Posted by: keren at February 25, 2005 10:18 AM

I cancelled my eHarmony subscription today. I naively thought that I might find more men there interested in a "real" relationship (unlike and other services), but am increasingly getting the feeling that the women drastically outnumber the men. I have had a fair number of "matches" getting to the open communication stage and even a few dates out of it, but have only run into players so far, just like everywhere else. It's getting really old to make it to 1, 2, 3 and sometimes even more dates, only for them to eventually tell you they've decided on an "exclusive" relationship with someone else. It doesn't seem to matter how far things get with the person either. Another guy I dated, where there really was some serious chemistry, strong physical attraction and very good relationship potential, dropped me after a couple of months because some other girl he previously dated (but dropped him) expressed an interest in going out with him again ... and from that point I was history. Made no sense to me at all. I'm a very good-looking (39 going on 29), fit, independent, intelligent, well-rounded woman with a great sense of humor and a positive outlook on life. I have a lot to offer the right person. I am not finding it online. The men I have encountered might take a passing look every now and then, but then they're off to the next person. It's like they're all caught up in all the possibilities and can't see what's right in front of their face. Very discouraging.

Posted by: Tanya at February 25, 2005 03:27 PM

Glad I found this site. Read many of the comments. I was filling out the questionnaire today and got half way through when I decided to save & exit. Since I didn't know what they charge, I went to 'Ask Jeeves' and found this site. After 14 years as a divorcee and since moving to Florida as a retiree, I thought I would look into dating. Guess I'll forget the whole thing and stay as happy as I am - single and traveling the world. Thanks for the warnings. Nancy

Posted by: Nancy at February 26, 2005 05:37 PM

Im amazed at how many girls put in their profile, "Not interested in men I meet at bars or clubs" or "Tired of the bar scene to meet people" and then the first thing they put under favorite things is going to clubs and bars! Or they put all the big clubs in their favorite hot spots! Its like they fail to realize that the people they meet at bars and clubs are the peoeple that like going there! I mean nice, family minded men are nowhere to be found at these places, just playurs looking to hook up or cheat on their girlfriends and wives. So how these girls expect find their best friend or soulmate, who also just happens to enjoy that scene is beyond me. Grow up or go back to hook ups and one night stands.

Posted by: amazed at February 28, 2005 09:30 AM

The line I read in many womens' profiles on match and eHarmony is "love to laugh."


That's inspiring.

On second thought, love of laughter is a deal-breaker. Personally, I can't stand laughing.

Duh. I guess there's no need to say anything original if you are in the driver's seat with a ratio of 5 men to each woman on match or if you aren't going to subscribe and talk to anyone on eharmony.

Posted by: Matt at February 28, 2005 01:08 PM

Let me ask you, where do the nice guys hang out? I don't want to meet a guy at a bar and therefore bars are not my favorite place to hang out. I mean if I do want to go to a bar, it isn't to go clubbing, it would be to a sports bar to watch a game. Maybe I'm just too much like one of the guys. I love sports and hate shopping. I'm not a tomboy by no means, I would love to be someone's princess. Ha ha.

Posted by: singleagain at February 28, 2005 01:17 PM

I'm one of those "nice guys" but I don't hang out much of anywhere right now. I would probably be drawn to laid-back activities that don't have a lot of pressure. (I would NOT go dancing to meet girls, I would go dancing to have fun with girls I already know.) I would recommend... finding a game night, like a group of people that get together once a week in someone's dining room to play card games or board games. Or, politics is really big right now, especially if you're Democratic - I'm thinking of going to some discussion groups. Or, some sort of laid back physical activity. I'm thinking of taking golf lessons, because it's a way to get exercise while actually playing a game at the same time that isn't all running around and getting completely stinky. :) You could do that in a group.

Or heck, just go to a sports bar and start giving people crap that support the other team. Guys love it when a girl does that.

Posted by: tunesmith at February 28, 2005 01:30 PM

Its funny you say that about giving other crap about their team. I'm usually the person who is getting the crap thrown at them. Yeah, it is rough at times being a Red Wings fan when you are in St. Louis. But hell, now that there is no hockey.... Bring on the baseball.

I need to find a bigger circle of people to hang out with. All my friends here in town are married except for one. Now that I'm not married, not so much fun. Even though I know none of them consider me the third wheel or fifth wheel, it still sucks. Just paint a neon L on my forehead......

Posted by: singleagain at February 28, 2005 03:00 PM

I have two questions for those of you who have tried eharmony. I did the personality thing and within 5 days I had reached the ten match limit. So far I have done nothing but wonder if they are real or if its a scam. If one does sign up for the 7 day trial period and decides to cancel within the 7 days, does a simple phone call do the trick? And two, if one does sign up, are correspondences censored (i.e. email addresses)? Thanks.

Posted by: David at February 28, 2005 08:03 PM

Hi David, I signed up for eHarmony twice, a few months apart. The second go-round, I figured some things out and I think I can help you with your questions. First, when you begin receiving matches, the majority of them are members that are no longer with eHarmony - a very old data base. Probably 7 out of the 10 matches you received are no longer members, don't know they're still being matched, have new email addresses, etc. Another 2 may be new, nonpaying members. Maybe one profile is genuine.

If you want to cancel within the 7 day trial period, you must go to Your Matches page, click on About Me, then click on Match Settings, and check the No, Do Not Send Me Any More Matches button. This will prevent eHarmony from sending your profile to others without your knowledge after you quit. Then go to Your Accounts page, and make sure you click on the Close Account button. This is the only way to truly close the account. Even after that, if you go back and enter your user name and password, you will find that they still have your profile in their user base. (Your profile and credit card information remains with them indefinitely - if you try to remove your card from Your Accounts page, it will not let you close the account!!) Make sure you close your account on day 6, because if you wait until midnight of day 7, they will refuse to refund your money.

Obviously, I found this all out through experience. After my first eHarmony membership, I felt I had changed, been through a lot - so after a few months, I took the personality profile again and answered some of the questions differently. The personality test results were essentially the same. I started getting matches, but did not pay. All the matches I received were ones they had sent me well over a year ago - ones that had closed me out or had not returned communication. So I just closed them out, knowing they were ghosts. I waited until a couple people that seemed interesting requested communication before paying. And even then, communication was closed by them on stage 3 - and I have this funny feeling the profiles were not real. This time around, I am sent very few matches. I wonder if eHarmony's member base is shrinking.

Good luck to you!

Posted by: Margaret at March 1, 2005 10:36 AM

Hey Margaret,
I agree with you on the old an outdated profiles filling up EHarmony. Thats why I eventually gave up attempting to contact other members and simply waited until real members requested communications. I imagine as time goes on, other people will become frustrated and do the same, and eventually everyone will stop requesting communications except for the very new members - except by then the massive size of the database of old and non-active users will make finding interested people like a needle in a haystack.

Why they continue to keep old users in the active database is strange and misleading. I canceled my account just like you said, then months later, while bored, I logged in again and found I had 20 or 30 new matches, many of them closed due to "The match never responded to my communication request". The odd thing was, I closed out every single match, selecting "other" when I resigned - where did these new ones come from? I never received emails saying I got new matches - I feel like they used my profile to inflate the active userbase and trick people.

I read an article about Eharmony recently where they interviewed an executive of the company who claimed that they dont match non-paying or inactive members with paying ones - what a lie! They do it in an attempt to get non-paying members to pay. Thats why they wont show you photos either, they want you to become intrigued by a match and really want to know what he/she looks like so you pay - then the match vanishes.

There are good people to be found on the site Im sure, but what an effort just to find the real users who are actually interested in meeting people.

Posted by: Guy at March 1, 2005 11:51 AM

"Isaac" is a fraud!! Word-for-word what Nikki from Alabama said at
"My eHarmony match and I have had 4 dates and we've gotten to know each other fairly well. On the surface, there are obvious differences. He's an immigrant, I was born in this country. I love live theater, he's never seen a live play in his life. We have different tastes in books and movies."

Now "Nikki in Alabama" said her GUY was an immigrant but "Isaac" says his GIRL is the immigrant, so they're not posting about each other!

Is eHarmony paying people to post false success stories?

Posted by: K at March 1, 2005 12:00 PM

LOL, nice job K! How did you manage to spot that?

Posted by: BUSTED! at March 1, 2005 01:16 PM

Hi everyone,
Well e-harmony sucks for the lack of a better term. I'am willing to date out side my race fine but not out side my age bracket 40+ NO. What are they doing I have had no luck at all and am going to stop looking its that bad. The funny thing is that everyone think's its so eazy for me to date and it's just not happining. E-harmony was the last resort and now I just dont know.

Posted by: Fed UP! at March 1, 2005 07:12 PM

How did I spot "Isaac"? I read the other review site yesterday and reading this one today and my memory did its thing. I had actually cut and pasted "Nikki's" nice* story, so it was easy to confirm.

There may be another that is double-posted, but it's possible that one real person posted the same info on both sites. But flipping the genders like that is 100% guaranteed fraudulent.

Interestingly, several people here asked about the "relationship with my best friend" part of it when "Isaac" initially posted, so uess some other people's BS detectors were wiggling.

*(I didn't like the fact that the story featured a cultured, literate all-American girl being set up with an immigrant who doesn't read or go to the theatre...not saying this is true of all immigrants, just how it was in this story)

Posted by: K at March 1, 2005 07:17 PM

Margaret, thanks so much for your advice. I have read enough here to convince me that I would likely regret subscribing, so I will enjoy their 7-day trial period and whatever happens or doesn't happen in that time is fine - but I will cancel on the 6th day. I am intrigued by the fact that they are matching with people who may have not even visited their site in ages. That would explain why I got so many matches so quickly. I do have five that have requested communication and submitted five questions for me to answer. Would these also possibly be "fakes"? Thanks again.

Posted by: David at March 1, 2005 10:44 PM

It shouldn't even be a question to anyone that eharmony fraudulently matches people. Just use logic: if you are signed up as a non-paying trial member and you receive matches, then that by itself means that someone else is getting matched up with a non-paying member (you). Either that, or that you are being matched with someone who doesn't exist.

There are only two ways for eharmony to deal with this responsibly. Either make clear in the list of matches who is paying and who is nonpaying, or make it so that only paying members can initiate contact, while making it free to respond.

Posted by: tunesmith at March 1, 2005 10:50 PM

I just noticed that one of my matches listed her email address in the "Some additional information . . . wanted you to know" category. I have done the same. I'll let you know if it lasts for more than a day or two.

Posted by: David at March 1, 2005 10:51 PM

I filled out all the questionnaires for eHarmony, and they said the site was down to continue. I'm sixty, handsome, look 47, IQ of 144, a published writer by Harvard, they just published my entire novel chapter by chapter with royalties. I'm looking for a mate, normal, pretty, overweight makes no difference. i've never been married, a widower of the terrorists when they blew up a pan am jet in tel-aviv. My stewardess died... I was in a love relationship with a beautiful 52 year old girl. it ended. And now I want someone about 42 to 54, in shape, intelligent, normal, to live with me and have my progeny of 144IQ for the future of the species. I'll explain the rest when I meet this person, good legs a must. Ha. Joseph

Posted by: Joseph Curran at March 2, 2005 03:17 AM

Cancel my subscription at once. I've heard too many stories about rip-off eHarmony. The bank has been notified and if any money is taken out of my account. I'll take you to court.

Posted by: Joseph Curran at March 2, 2005 07:02 AM

Hey Joeseph,
you sound like the type of jerk that gives men a bad name. You are looking for someone 15+ years younger than yourself, and bragging about your income and IQ. And the love of your life was a stewardess - you a Harvard educated writer? Im sorry but to me that implies you want to dominate the relationship by dating somebody that you can control and manipulate.

Why dont you join Mensa and date some nice high IQ women that you have something in common with instead? Oh and BTW, your 144IQ didnt save you from accidentally posting your cancellation request to this site instead of Eharmony - twice!


Posted by: UraJerk at March 2, 2005 08:36 AM

Joseph is clearly not real. Joseph is most likely some 14 year old's idea of joke. No I don't get the joke either. My estimate would be that 1/4 of the posts on this and similar sites are fake; either shills, button pushers, or kids.

I would estimate that close to half of Eharmony's user base is inactive (cancelled or never members). And it is a lie if Eharmony claims otherwise. But, it does'nt really bother me much. My guess, and it is just a guess, would be that there are more inactive female members than inactive male members. Reasoning being that I think a lot of women fill out the questionaire because they are just interested in the free 'personality profile', while most men couldn't care less about some BS personality profile. :)

Posted by: John9876 at March 2, 2005 10:02 AM

Dr. Warren has been a frequent guest on conservative Christian TV’s 700 Club, and writes for the Focus on the Family's magazine. The head of Focus on the Family is James Dobson, who recently declared that Sponge Bob Squarepants cartoons promoted homosexuality. James Dobson also promotes whipping of children as young as 15 months with switches. The people Dr. Warren hangs out with indicate how morally bankrupt he is. It would be easy for someone like that to exploit other people’s weaknesses with deceptive business practices for financial gain.

Posted by: Lucas at March 2, 2005 01:53 PM

Yikes, I didn't realize he hung out with Dobson. I think that guy is a major freak. As far as I'm concerned, it's okay to be conservative, okay to be christian, but I think Dobson is a loon.

I forget if eharmony accepts members that indicate they are gay. If they do, maybe Warren hasn't completely swallowed Dobson's kool-aid.

Posted by: tunesmith at March 2, 2005 02:09 PM

tunesmith - eHarmony does not match up gays. Their reason is that their research is only directed to heterosexual marriages. If you paste in the site below, and click on "as it really is" link within, you will be directed to one of *two* website fronts eHarmony has - and this one says "When you are ready to find your Christian soulmate". I tried it, and was able to log in, altho had never seen the Christian start page before. I am the mother of an 18-year old adopted gay son; he is one of the nicest, most moral people I have ever met - and all this about eHarmony's fundamentalist backing should be made known.,+700+club&hl=en&ie=UTF-8

EHarmony's second web site reads: "When you're ready to find the love of your life" and makes no mention of its Christian origins.

Also, paste and copy and find that eHarmony is listed in this listing of Religous Resources:

It's all so deceptive. Margaret

Posted by: Margaret at March 2, 2005 02:44 PM

I am not religious, but it doesn't matter to me if Eharmony markets to the religious comunity. So what if they have a seperate sign on screen for some religious fanatics? I get matched with plenty of women that are not Christians. If anyone is being tricked, it is the Christians whom may be led to believe that entire site is composed of Christians. Marketing a product to a niche group (Christians) does not equate to backing by that niche group. Prior to filing out the Eharmony questionaire I had read that the site was 'Christian' biased, but I did not see that bias in the questionaire.

Posted by: John9876 at March 2, 2005 03:36 PM

I kinda like the idea that they are backed by Christians. Im not a hard core Christian, I go to church on Holidays for the most part, but I think its kinda cool that you might find people with more values on their site - who are more inclined to want to settle down and start a family.

However that did not seem to be the case, as the girl I got involved with from that site was a liar, manipulative, and a total party girl despite vehement denials to the contrary when we first started dating. I mean when you tell someone up front that you are looking for the real deal and to settle down, you dont really think you will be picking their naked body up out of a puddle of their own piss after a night of clubbing to 4 in the morning on a regular basis. But hey I guess I was asking too much of Eharmony to pick the 1 out of 100 girls from around here that dont live like that.

Posted by: Guy at March 3, 2005 11:22 AM

John, you mention your non-Christian matches-about how many of your matches indicate that they are devout Christians?

Posted by: k at March 3, 2005 11:26 AM

I don't like churches.

Posted by: no churches at March 3, 2005 03:00 PM


Of course I have to read between the lines sometimes in order to determine which women are Christians. If they repeatedly say their 'faith' is important to them, then I think it is a pretty good bet that we would not be compatible. Based upon only my matches, my best guess:
15% highly religious
25% slightly/moderately religious (would most probably consider dating a non religious man, wears a crucifix (sp?) but only goes to church on Christmas)
20% clearly not religious (based upon comments)
10% new age spirituality
30% probably not significantly religious, but can't be certain

Posted by: John9876 at March 3, 2005 06:16 PM

This site seems to address alot of the problems you guys are talking about.

I sent the email and I got a free membership for 6 months. The URL will be

Posted by: Larry at March 3, 2005 08:42 PM

Thanks for the numbers, John. Your experience confirms one of the most abusive aspects of eHarmony. Many of the comments on further confirm this, with strident athiests who were "matched" with devout Christians.

This abuse of trust should be felt by any person with a sense of morality and ethics, whether agnostic, athiest, Bhuddhist, or believe in the Great Pumpkin.

The Christian scriptures are very clear that Christians are forbidden to be "unequally yoked together with unbelievers."

Devout Christians see following this instruction and marrying "God's Best" to establish a "good Christian home" as one of their most important tasks in life. They believe that to violate it is not only a sin, but is virtually guaranteed to to cause conflict.

Intriguingly, James Dobson's radio program, "Focus on the Family," is extremely influential in many Christian circles. Politics aside, the program often discusses how a "Christian home" should function. He's a bit like the "Mother Jones" or "Whole Earth Catalog" for the conservative Christian subculture, but dealing mostly with very personal issues and invoking the authority of Biblical morality. Historically, Dr. Dobson and his organization heavily espouse the principle that devout Christians should marry others who share their faith.

Dr. Dobson's organization published one of Dr. Warren's books in the mid 1990's. Later, Dr. Warren appeared on the radio show to discuss eHarmony with Dobson's endorsement, and eHarmony continues to aggressively advertise in Christian media.

So, essentially, you have millions of people prayerfully joining eHarmony as a way to obey their deepest convictions and find a life partner.

You and others have provided clear evidence that the "suggested matches" provided by eHarmony are often in direct violation of these peoples' convictions.

I suspect that a high proportion of those 30% that you couldn't classify would be deeply conservative evangelicals. They likely heard of the site through Christian radio or a Christian Web site, and believed that it was "for Christians." Therefore, discussing "faith" again might seem like redundant grandstanding. Nobody goes to a Sierra Club meeting and says "Hi, I'm Jeff, and the environment is very important to me."

Given all the discussion on "compatibility" and "spirituality," people of faith would expect to be paired appropriately, in accordance with Dr. Warren's professed beliefs, and the core principles of Focus on the Family.

If eHarmony actually cared about people's beliefs, perhaps they would alter their system to not match "deeply religious" people against their beliefs. It is said that until very recently, the system was absolutely inflexible in only matching women with taller men; not sure why thtey wouldn't do the same on the "spiritual" aspect. But they seem to prefer to lure people by appealing to a set of convictions, then encourage the same people to break those convictions.

Their current approach is like an AA chapter advertising a "Substance Free New-Years Party" and handing everyone a quart of Jack Daniels as a door prize.

*(for people who convert to Christianity while married, they're encouraged to stay with their spouse, provided the relationship is non-combative)

Posted by: K at March 4, 2005 06:01 PM


Before you call up Y2K Jimmy and organize a boycott of eharmony, you should be aware that people have the option of choosing to only be matched with "christians". I have my religion option set to 'any' and define myself as 'spiritual, but not affiliated with any religion'. Perhaps the devout Christians I am being matched with have made a consious choice to be matched with people that are 'spiritual, but not affiliated with any religion'.

Posted by: John9876 at March 4, 2005 07:07 PM

I am a Christian and I have dated non-Christians. I am not on this Earth to judge people, that is not my job. I don't believe that I can only date fellow Christians. I know some people who call themselves Christians who are more mean and evil-spirtited then agnostics or non-belivers.

Now I have not done anything on EHarmony's website, so I can not say I think they are biased towards the Christian segment or not. But if they are, and are being misleading with it, that isn't right.

To me a person's religion or spiritality (sorry I can't spell) is their business. Yes, it is important to me. I would prefer to date someone who believes in God or some supreme being, but I won't shut the door on someone because they don't believe. I just ask that the person not make fun of me or give me a hard time because I enjoy going to church on Sunday. I don't do it because I feel I have to, I want to. It is an hour during the week I can shut out my worries and recharge myself.

I wish non-Christians wouldn't think all Christians are Bible thumpers and Christians wouldn't think all non-Christians were going to hell. I know that is a general statement, I'm just trying to make a point there.

I have no idea where I was trying to go with all of this. So on that note, I'm ending this for now. :}

Posted by: singleagain at March 4, 2005 08:25 PM


You're the first to mention the ability to restrict matches by spirituality. If eHarmony makes it obvious, then most of my above criticisms of eHarmony and Dobson are invalid and withdrawn. There remain plenty of other things for people of all faiths to criticize and/or disagree with both organizations about.


My post was intended to focus on a particular group of people (“devout Christians” was the best term I could think of) and their beliefs as found in their authoritative text and internal teachings, as related to eHarmony's marketing and practices. I also was referring to "marry" rather than "date." The merits of those beliefs and the definition and boundaries of "Christian" are topics outside the scope of this discussion.

You are correct that many self-described "Christians" are scum, many non-Christians are kind and ethical people, and less hatred and stereotyping should be slung in both directions.

I disagree, however, with the idea implicit in your comments that a person can reject the fundamental concepts and authoritative texts of a faith and yet still be a member of that faith. For example, William F. Buckley rejects the beliefs and practices of Marxism and _Das Capital_; therefore, he’s not a Marxist, even if he were to enjoy attending Marxist meetings.

Most people would agree that your personal decision to be involved with non-Christians is a good choice for you now and consistent with your present spirituality. If you grow to believe that Jesus saves people from going to hell and the Bible has authority in your life, then you’ll probably desire to follow the Bible’s teachings, including the passage mentioned previously.

I posted under a live email address this time; not because anyone should care what I say, but to take further discussions directly and avoid further off-topic digressions. I apologize for the space I’ve taken and for the extent that I’ve led things off-topic.

Posted by: K at March 6, 2005 05:48 AM

Of the over 200 matches that I have received on eharmony, not a single profile had any reference to any sort of religon or faith issue. I remember from the questionare that there was a question about how important I felt religious beliefs were in a partner. I don't remember the exact question nor my exact answer. However, based on my results, my guess is that my answer to that question is filtering any hard-core, super-religious people out of my matches. If eharmony does have a lot of deeply religious people (and I don't know whether that is the case or not) apparently eharmony is matching them with each other, rather than sending them my way. I have nothing against people who hold very deep religious beliefs, but eharmony is probably doing the right thing in not sending them to me.

Posted by: not70% at March 6, 2005 06:56 AM

Well this is very interesting reading!! I too was told by a "married" friend to try eharmony to see what its like, and this is what I found first!! Feeling really grateful right now that I didn't waste my money.

From one single woman to what seems to be quite a few other single people, Looks to me like this has turned out to be a great place to meet people. Think about it, a site that single people are going to to talk about dating web sites. Well,,, Well people what have we created here????
Age 35
Hight 5ft
Weight 105
Brown hair, blue eyes, and 1 really really teenaged daughter. LOL

Posted by: emmalee at March 8, 2005 04:10 PM

It's strange. I trashed match pretty badly a few months ago, but I left my profile visible. A woman contacted me, so like a chump, I paid just to respond to her. She was great. We went out twice last week, but she just told me the spark isn't there, so that's it.


This is not match's fault by any means. It's just depressing.

Posted by: Matt at March 8, 2005 04:14 PM

Hey does anyone have the toll free number for eharmony? My situation...I signed up and for several reasons was skeptical about the service, twice (within the first seven days, I hit that little button on my account that indicated that I wanted to close the account, and the account was not closed... When I called to discuss my desire to close my one year paying account, the rep I spoke with offered me the opportunity to reset my profile information and supposedly reset my termination date to coincide with the first installment that I had already made...she told me she would give me a couple of months free to make it up (you know it was a hook line). Bottom line is that my account was only suppose to be active to June 05. Since I didn't see this change reflected in my account, I called back and they said that the rep gave me a couple of months free alright, she added it on to the year subscription... Now, I ask you why would I want to continue for the year and then some when I wasn't happy with what I was seeing? I've emailed them again and they still have not responded. Now, interestingly enough the toll free number is no longer in my search engine. I want my hands on a live body to fix the problem... Thanks

Posted by: Michele at March 9, 2005 08:31 AM

It's interesting to me that so many people complain that eHarmony is a haven for "ugly people". I don't see it as a haven for us... for some reason I bought into the advertising a few months ago, and after many many pages of closed matches, I can assure everyone that's it not such a haven.

It seems women who are looking at dating online are incredibly shallow, and only about looks. Here I am, someone who gets referred to as a nice guy, someone who gets referred to as a real catch, but these people can't see that.

I'm a professional guy, who put way too much of himself into his work, and now at 30 is tired of being alone. My chances of finding someone are apparently nill because I'm not perfect in every way, and sites like eHarmony are complete wastes of time and money.

If anyone thinks that eHarmony will help you avoid the shallow, self centered types... don't. It doesn't. It only makes them more obvious.

And yeah, I am kind of bitter about the whole thing.

Posted by: Jason at March 9, 2005 10:24 AM

Michele, I knew I had seen this posted here and I am bored at work, so I went back and found it for you. It was posted on 1/4/05:

eharmony. com
300 North Lake Avenue Suite 1111
Pasadena, CA 91101
Phone: 626-795-4814
Fax: 626-585-4040

Posted by: Matt at March 9, 2005 11:31 AM

eHarmony was a huge waste of time. I subscribed for one year, but deleted all of my photos and information and deactivated my profile after nine months. Of the 100+ eHarmony matches that I received, 10 or so made it into the "open communication" stage. I ran complete background and criminal checks on every one of these at the point of considering meeting them. All but three had lied about their age, and a few of them had criminal records. Some had serious financial problems. Of the three that I met in person, one had lied about his height (?), and all of these had used either misleading, digitally altered, and/or extremely outdated photos at eHarmony and did not appear in person as they did in the photos. Oddly, all of these three had described themselves as being very honest, in their own written profiles.

Posted by: Nicole at March 9, 2005 07:53 PM

Hello Laura in MT: As you can tell, I've been away from this site for quite a while now. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts about missing my comments on this blog. I've been staying away because this site has become almost a steady stream of nasty, personal attacks against one another. (This was not the original intent, was it, tunesmith? You stated earlier that if we didn't play nice with each other, you would discontinue the blog, so where have you been?)
Anway, Laura, my dog and cats continue to give me the kind of pleasure, comfort and peace and laughter not evident in my past two relationships with the two-legged animals that crossed my path through personals and online dating services. I guess you could say I've declared a moratorium on men - for now. (I wish I were a lesbian, but alas, t'is not the case.)
Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm working p.t. in a high-end chocolate shop - so I AM getting my seratonin jollies after all!

Hugs and kisses, girlfriend


Posted by: andrea at March 10, 2005 11:46 AM

I deleted the nastier stuff, still reading every comment.

However, people should know that I've actually discontinued this weblog. The archived posts like this one will continue to stay up and people can continue to discuss, but my personal blog is now at Thunder-Thumbs. My political blog is now at Politology.

Posted by: tunesmith at March 10, 2005 12:39 PM

P.S. Regarding all the Christian/non-Christian comments above: oy, my head is spinning!

Posted by: andrea at March 10, 2005 03:39 PM

I"m about to let my 1 month membership expire. This wasn't the first time I'd attempted to connect with eharmony...but I thought I was ready to start dating again...or well start dating since I've been divorced for 3 years now. Anyway...if you think the women are should try the men...I'm pretty...but not cookie cutter woman here...a real flesh and blood woman who just wants to meet a nice guy and go the the movies once in a while...out to dinner...hiking etc...this seems too much to ask. My first match...a guy who was wearing a skirt in every he came to be so perfect for me is beyond my comprehension. The next...and last...(YES that's right 2 whole matches for the month!) well haven't heard a thing in over a week.

So what do I do...I don't like bars...never have, There are few single men in my church, and I'm new in this area so I don't know many people....any better ideas than spending $50 to be rejected by a "system computer?"

Posted by: Keren at March 10, 2005 08:24 PM

Keren Dear,

a. a dog
b. a cat
c. a vibrator
d. join a convent
e. all of the above


Posted by: andrea at March 10, 2005 10:32 PM


I could use a few details on who you are (age? children? hobbies? where you live?) and who (same) you are looking for.

But here are some alternatives of the top of my head. used to sponsor Speed Dating at various locations. Never tried it, but I was always intrigued

--Learn to golf


--Volunteer some time to the fire dept/ambulance corps

--Browse the electronics aisle for software for your pc

--Volunteer at church dinners and events open to the public

--Make new female friends, so you have someone to do things with and to expand your sphere of acquaintances.

Still thinkin . . .

Posted by: Koriandr at March 11, 2005 11:37 AM

I wanted to post to not70%: under "My Match Settings" in eHarmony you can select how far away your matches can live, what you religion is and what religions, races, desire for children, education level, etc. you are willing to accept to help with aspects of being matched. That has been there for years.

I belonged to eharmony two years ago, or so and saw most matches refer to God in their profiles in a way that told me that they were Christians looking for Christians. I was not looking for a Christian, and it was not for me at the time. EHarmony started as a Christian dating site, but for business purposes, it has expanded it's scope.

I REALLY think that any of these dating sites are better or worse depending on where you live, too.

I also really believe that many of the superficial issues of being rejected might have something to do with what is written too. Easiest to blame your looks, but I have read one too many ANGRY profiles. Very demanding and negative. I doubt that those men are thinking, "Darn, if only I sounded less bitter, I would get more women." Probably more like: I am sure that there is something wrong with those women (superficial, materialistic, etc.) that they won't pick me or respond to me. Just a thought of something else to look at. There are always superficial people EVERYWHERE. Not just on dating sites.

Just my opinion. I have had pretty good luck, for the most part on both Match and eharmony. I am even renewing my eHarmony subscription, and I have had a love/hate relationship with both sites, so this is a big deal for me. I find that when there is a rush of TV advertising for either site in my area, the membership increases.

Posted by: tall blonde at March 11, 2005 01:11 PM

Match discontinued it's speed dating. I did it one time. It was fun, and exhausting to meet so many people. But their Match Events section is completely gone. I had a friend who even went on a singles cruise to the Bahamas through Match.

I have a married friend who is the BEST at helping her single friends find/meet men. She has nothing to lose, and she is MUCH less shy that I am. She has actually pushed me in front of a man who was obviously being attentive to me. It was funny, and I went out with him a few times. Sometimes it can be better to hang with married girlfriends than single ones to meet men.

Just another suggestion.

Posted by: tall blonde at March 11, 2005 01:15 PM

The problem I have with eharmony is that I keep getting seriously short men! I'm 5'11" and want someone at least as tall. I close out anyone below 5'10". I complained and got a fluff response saying I should keep an open mind. Hmm...I responded that eharmony must then get rid of all areas its users can "control" like kids or no kids, ethnicity, location, etc. Why should I have to keep an open mind on height if no one else needs to keep an open mind on those things?? Its really depressing to send out a communication to somone only to be closed out for being too far away. Never mind the fact that I commute to their area DAILY and put that in my comments! I signed up for the three months for the price of one deal. I will not be renewing!

Posted by: Heather Z. at March 11, 2005 01:48 PM

I complained about the same issue a few posts up and got reamed on this board for being shallow (not my word). So before you are subjected to the same ignorant rant, thought I would let you know my experience.

I contacted eHarmony about this same issue. Their policy used to be that they matched women up with men who were the same or taller in height. A few weeks ago they changed their policy because a few men claimed discrimination and that sounded a bit to litigious for eHarmony to ignore. So they have thrown out the height requirement. The next several dozen men I was matched up with were between 5'1" and 5'7".

I initially got the same ridiculous remark from eHarmony. When I called a second time and asked to speak to a supervisor (I also, confusingly, got an email at the same with that stated the old policy on height), the supervisor was GREAT. The new policy was explained to me, and he also told me that the guy who made the first remark to me was actually MUCH shorter than me, and was being a bit sensitive to the complaints from women on this issue.

Apparently this height issue has been a big source of complaints from the women, in general. After the many much shorter matches, and non-member matches, I am now getting better matches. I like the process (and used to rebel against it) of eHarmony. I have closed a few out at the "Must haves and can't stands" and was glad to know those things about them.

I still believe that the matches can depend on what area of the country you live. Hang in there, for your 3 months and see if it changes for you like it did for me.

Posted by: tall blonde at March 12, 2005 08:04 PM

What happens when you try to cancel your eHarmony account on a Saturday (6 days into the 7-day trial) and it tells you that you must wait until Monday to talk to a customer service rep? That will be 8 days for me, and I'm certain they will use this loophole to keep my $99.

The thing is, it is clearly stated on the site's FAQ that "all eHarmony accounts are closed via our website". Yet I cannot close it via the site, and must wait until M-F 9am-5pm. No where is it stated you should ever have to call a service rep to do anything of the sort. While I'm not going to pursue it for the measley 3-month fee I may be out, this is still misinformation.

Posted by: Markaes3 at March 13, 2005 03:11 AM

I'm 28 have been using the personals regularly since 1997 so I've got a bit of experience... not to mention a light checkbook. The eHarmony system seems ridiculous. 25 matches in 6 days, but none of interest. I set my distance to within metro, 100 mi, but most my matches were from other states. I'm in WI. Several matches kept their photos until the final steps of communication, only to reveal someone I never would have written if I'd seen a picture in the first place. Its just wastes both of our time. And the site's "you should keep an open mind" attitude is demeaning. I'm sorry, but the truth is dating is largely visual. It wouldn't even let me lower my preferred age range to what I specifically wanted.

Personally I'll stick with Match and Yahoo. I'd rather be able to browse hundreds of potential matches and pick the ones that appeal to me than let some site dictate and force feed it to me. And Match was at least civil when I accidentally left my inactive account running for a year. They actually refunded most of it.

Posted by: Markaes3 at March 13, 2005 03:29 AM


Eharmony's toll-free number is 1-800-648-9548, though it appears they don't want you to know that unless you're a former customer who might conceivably come back. They honored my resignation by email on a Sunday (the day my 7-day trial was to expire), but since they didn't reply to my email after 2 days, I called to ask about it. They confirmed that I had sent the email within my 7-day trial, and promised me the requested refund. They were very nice about it.

Posted by: Laura in MT at March 13, 2005 06:58 PM screws over Mac users committed a stunning gaffe about three weeks ago: they redesigned their site so that it's not accessible to Macintosh computers, at least not via Internet Explorer. Since my home computer is a Mac, I can't view the site unless I do it on the sneak at work, where I use a PC.

I wrote a complaint to's customer service - and by the way, part of their redesign plot included removing their customer service phone number, another gross customer-service snub - and got a reply telling me to try viewing their site on Netscape. Netscape software is free, but it's only available for download to Macs if you have the most current operating system, which I don't because I prefer the previous system.

So I'm finally pulling the plug on when my subscription expires next month. How disappointing to see what they've become. It used to be a fun site with good customer service. Now they're clearly just doing the least work possible to keep making a profit.

Posted by: Laura in MT at March 13, 2005 07:11 PM

I think the girls at and yahoo basically have one thought in mind - they want a perfect looking, rich, tall, athletic, and exclusive guy - but they will settle for just a perfect looking one to date while they wait for this person.

I think they need to be this picky in order to justify this way of meeting somebody to their peers. I mean if they just met a great, fun, compatible person they wouldent be able to brag to everyone.

I dont know why they think they can get somebody so much better than they have ever dated in their life simply by putting their profile on a site, but some of these women need to get real.

Posted by: JustAnOpinion at March 14, 2005 09:29 AM

There is an advantage to signing up with they have a forum room. If nothing else, you can make some friends there...people always are their real selves on blog lists.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at March 14, 2005 10:59 AM

Hey all. I've been reading these posts off and on for days now and it's obvious there's a space in the marketplace for what we are doing. Our site goes live in the next few weeks and the format will be completely different that and I signed up for these sites just to see what happens as well as some other sites. It's a constant barrage of emails with attractive people (completely out of my age range) try =ing to push you to sign up and pay.

First with (if you go there now there is a generic dating site there used by the software co. doing our design), there are no emails trying to get you to pay because everyone pays a flat $25,00 per year and after 90 days, anyone can get a refund of the FULL amount any time after that. Secondly, singles are not allowed to contact anyone who's profile reflects that the potential sender of a communication is not a match for the potentia recipient either in age, location, height or weight. There are other features but I urge you to at least give this a try. We designed it around being elimintaing the problems discussed here. Thanks.

Posted by: Gayle at March 14, 2005 12:37 PM

Well, I did it. I went out by myself Sat. night. I went to a divorce/widow singles dance and had a blast. Now granted I was the youngest one there by at least 5 if not 10 years. (I'm 36 and I'd guess the average age was 50ish) This has just proven to me that in order to meet people, I have to get out and not expect people to find me. And it made me realize that I need to give myself some credit. It was a pretty big step for me to go out and throw myself into a situation where I knew no one. That should help give me confidence to go out some more.

Posted by: singleagain at March 14, 2005 02:44 PM

Dear Andrea (my sister's name by the way!)

a. Allergic
b. see above
c. Do you think a vibrator will buy the popcorn if I spring for the movie?
d. Kinda defeats the purpose
e. Well put all together it's still not much fun

But thanks :D


Thank you for the suggestions. As for my stats...well that's probably part of the problem. I'm 48 (horrors!! over 40!!) divorced 2 kids but one is in college and the other 16. I"m attractive, bright, charming, witty and fun! But it is still hard to meet people. Though I do appreciate your suggestions. I am currently volunteering at my church and am about to return to school to finish a long-overdue degree. But it's a small church and well, not as many men as women seem to go back to school at my age. But I'll keep trying... it's just discouraging. Woman my age are nearly invisible to others out there...even to each other! I wonder why the heck that is???


Posted by: keren at March 14, 2005 06:00 PM

What you should do is make a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bag... and then PUT THE VIBRATOR IN THE POPCORN!

Posted by: tunesmith at March 14, 2005 06:05 PM

Gayle said: ""Our site goes live in the next few weeks and the format will be completely different that and""

BFD. Unless you have Millions$$$ behind you to advertise with, your site amounts to nothing more than a pipe dream or a scam. Which is it?

Posted by: John9876 at March 14, 2005 06:21 PM

Bottom line, the women on here and all the other sites and in general are pretty much impossible... to please. Nothing's quite good enough, and I laugh whenever someone derides the "losers" that talk to them? What constitutes a "loser"? Ah... probably money, wealth, capital, material exist... got it! Guys who are on eHarmony and Yahoo and Match, etc. should probably do yourself a favor and get used to living alone forever or start doing stuff that you probably would not want to be caught dead doing to meet women like going to church or ceramics classes at the local art center, or other such "fun" activities. And even then, pick your winning state lottery numbers and have better luck than finding a "date" with someone you can stand!

Posted by: Jeremy at March 14, 2005 11:27 PM

Jeremy, no. No churches.

Posted by: no churches at March 15, 2005 10:30 AM

"Bottom line, the women on here and all the other sites and in general are pretty much impossible... to please. Nothing's quite good enough, and I laugh whenever someone derides the "losers" that talk to them? What constitutes a "loser"? Ah... probably money, wealth, capital, material exist... got it! Guys who are on eHarmony and Yahoo and Match, etc. should probably do yourself a favor and get used to living alone forever or start doing stuff that you probably would not want to be caught dead doing to meet women like going to church or ceramics classes at the local art center, or other such "fun" activities. And even then, pick your winning state lottery numbers and have better luck than finding a "date" with someone you can stand!"

Jeremy, did you really say all this foolishness...aren't you listening? Women are actually much more likely than men to give someone a chance that doesn't have picture perfect looks. Men are so visually oriented they can't for one moment see beyond a few extra pounds to find the woman behind them might have something more like kindness, intelligence, wit. Women are much more willing...for whatever reason (who knows, maybe we're just more desperate!)to give a man a of the greatest loves of my life was over 400 lbs...but had the greatest wit...and intelligence...and oh made me feel like a I know it's not about looks. It's about who you ARE.

Posted by: keren at March 15, 2005 08:13 PM

Its a bit like the medical scene if they were to cure the diseases that plague mankind MY GOD! look at all the lost jobs.
Unfortunately noone gives a rats anymore thus a lonely sick and wealthy planet cool huh.

Posted by: Wil at March 15, 2005 11:39 PM

You are so wrong its not even funny. Since I started losing my hair a few years back ( still have a lot of it left but its no teenager hairline anymore ) I have gotten less and less looks and returned smiles from women to the point where I feel like a leper sometimes. Yet I see these same women throw themselves at good looking losers with barely any intelligence or wit to speak of. The difference between being a great looking person and a good looking person makes you go from a catch to barely date-able in the eyes of todays women.

Posted by: URSoWrong at March 16, 2005 08:00 AM

OK, URSoWrong ... it's truth time. I don't care if you are bald. Do you care if I am overweight? Just curious ...

anima in Atlanta

Posted by: anima at March 16, 2005 05:34 PM

Off all the most outrageous internet rip-offs, e-harmony dot com is up there in the top 100. By using a kindly "doctor" in their TV ads, e-harmony attempts to assuage your fears of yet another scam. If you have a soft mouth, their hook never gets "set", but if you believe in true love you are doomed to disappointment.

You take an unending profile questionnaire ripped raw and bleeding from the MMPI (Minnesota Multi-phasic Personality Inventory). Please note, the MMPI has been largely discredited along with Sigmund Freud as having very little validity or reliability. Any thoroughly trained psych major will confess as much. Anyway, cut to the chase. By the time you finish the flipping profile exam, paid for the service, had your credit card charges validated, and assigned a login account, most of your so-called "matches" have lost interest. And your remaining "matches"? Ohh my gawd! Most look like they have been living under a rock for the past ten years and/or resemble a miniature version of a severely over-pressurized Goodyear blimp. An idiot in a back room could make better “matches” by flipping index cards of “women behind bars” at random into a bucket with your name on it.

Stay away from They are just lusting after your money and don’t care how miserable they will make your life.

Posted by: Dash RipRock at March 16, 2005 05:54 PM

OK I went to, the supposed Eharmony clone and took a personality test. Right away their system started spamming with with offers to join at some pretty absurd rates, which I ignored. The personality test was pretty funny as well, it tried to make it seem like I was the best possible type to be successsfull with women. Yeah like I would go to a dating site if I was so successfull with women!

Now the system is sending me emails with communication requests from attractive single women - I havent entered anything into my profile, its a total ghost profile! Why anyone would initiate contact with somebody who hasnt filled anything out is absurd - it has to be a scam trying to get me to sign up. I have no pictures posted either. When I click on the "reply" button it immedietly brings me to a signup screen.

I cant find out how to quit the system or I would, the interface is all designed to push you to give them money.

Just another site out to scam lonely men - I bet if I paid money all these women would dissappear within hours to days.

Posted by: PerfectMatchScam at March 17, 2005 07:35 AM

The "women behind bars" comment above has inspired me to check out again.

Posted by: no churches at March 17, 2005 11:14 AM

Is any of this "eharmony is a sham" verbatim apochryphal to begin with? That was not my experience.Some of the members of this blog may need to check their egos at the front door. It's a "father knows best" way of making matches rather than left to your own devices. The number of gripes about poeple being out of your age group and your height requirement, that's just so infantile and short-sighted. What are you thinking? A man shorter than 5"10", I don't care how wonderful he may be,he's missed the bar? And some of you men are so terrified of older women for some reason (the Darwinian principle of genetic proliferation perhaps?) How dare you? I didn't stay on wiht eharmony for school-related reasons but I did take them for what they were worth. Some of the guys on there were so interesting and definetely keepers. One of them I really liked, I'm sorry that I didn't pursue any further. He lived in Savannah and worked in the field of historical railroad preservation.What an awesome job! His personality was so like mine (inner-directed,bashful,introspective) that he could be a second cousin. Another was a social worker, and another was a believer in reincarnation.(I am too.) But as for the reasons poeple put you on hold, it is a stumper. Especially "I'm taking a break from my search for a while, but may be interested in the future," Now that I don't get. If you really want to take a break, you should deactivate your account? Taking a sabbatical is okay, but why spend the money during the interim? I would insert my email address and that would kind of help matters (especially in the case of unpaying subscribers.)As a student at the time, I could see how most guys would think I couldn't be uprooted to pursue a love match in the middle of a semester. I asked somebody about the matches who would close me out and that's what I was told. "They might assume you want to wait until you finish school, or if they ask in that guided comm-dealie, "How do you feel about relocating for a relationship? Answer: Well, I'd love to, but I have to finish school before i can give that some thought," Red flag. So that's when I put Eharmony on the shelf. Now they're making that "Three months for the price of one" thing even more prevalent
(like every month I get an email that's pushing the deal.)But think of the REAL reason why Eharmony exists? Our society is so disconnected. Think of the many social situations you've been in in which you didn't know how to break the ice, invest time in someone before it's only a question of time before their husband/significant other shows up (see that "Quest Personals" commercial.)Church would be a great meeting place, but women tend to outnumber men, and in colleges nowadays, the odds are skewed in favor of men. Sure you can meet someone great by a random throw-of-the-dice affair, but how easy are these opportunities to come by? Single men and women nowadays just have to be their own matchmakers when you don't have the global level of community match-making that bygone days used to employ (read: the arranged marriage or Fiddler On the Roof)Online dating can be productive-if you know what you're in for,you're careful, you're unique and you're honest.What you're basically doing is getting to know the person before you meet (of course you're going to meet at a public place later if it pans out.) Imagine that you were going to be fixed up by a new,more savvy friend-a friend called "high tech" Go to "e-cyrano" dot com or visit www.ican't The author is so not like the "internet type" cliche.He looks just like Evan Marriot on Joe Millionaire.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at March 17, 2005 12:00 PM

Edie, I agree with your "society is disconnected" anaylsis theory completely. I came to the same conclusion about a month ago. Up until about 120 years ago, a blink of an eye in evolutionary terms, people were limited to travel by foot. Since the devlopment of the inflatable tire (bicycle and auto) in the 1880s and automobile mass production in the 1920s there has been a gradual disconnection of society, it is now at the point where it is highly unlikely that you will be able to meet, and more importantly develope a relationship with, a potential mate. In prior centuries all social activity occured within a dense area a short distance from home. Hence people saw the same group of people on a regular basis, and developed relationships naturally though these daily contacts. The only comparable environments today are work, Church, the gym or school. Work usually isn't a plausible avenue for meeting a mate for most professional people. School is good for people up until the age of 25. The gym is good up until the age of 35. But after 35 the options are short. I think the growing popularity of Church participation is the direct result of this social dynamic. But, I don't go to Church, so I am stuck with Eharmony.

Posted by: John9876 at March 17, 2005 04:46 PM

I can only say that eHarmony works perfectly fine, and it's not the matches that are defective, it's the attitude of people who want the "perfect" match. And often I am guilty of doing that. Also people who are too cheap to pay the subscription rate or get the discounted rates are not good candidates because they want to get away with something free and are less apt to give their matches a try, and close out quickly. It would be best to raise the subscription rate to $200/month and you'll see that more people would begin open communication and let the process work. It's the same with, cheap people = cheap results. I can definitely say there are no shortages of attractive women available on eHarmony as I manage a date at least once every two weeks. And a great percentage even have a decent personality. I'm not even tall, athletic or have any special talent or skill. There's always someone out there.

Posted by: Ben at March 17, 2005 06:51 PM

well i guess i should have done my homework first. i didn't realize that eharmony was a rip-off. i should have come to this site first. i got several matches but half of them don't have pictures. but there was one that was pretty close to me and that had pictures posted and i requested communication with. she replied and we had made it to step 3 and i haven't heard anything for a couple of days now. i read earlier that some of you guys had made it to step 3 to end up going no further. i wonder what the hell happened? i have my pictures posted so she obviously saw mine when i wanted to talk to her. if it is a scam that is f--cking bullsh-it! you don't make it that far and not continue or end conversation ya know. so basically i am back to square one and $99 dollars short! where in the hell are you supposed to meet someone you attacted to and has some of the same interests? i can't depend on friends or family because all of their friends seem to be married.

Posted by: ron at March 17, 2005 07:14 PM


I would throw in your email address on your "About Me" page. Some people are just like that-want to dodge the fee or just not have to jump throught the hops of open Comm. However, unless you are a paid subscriber-the you won't be able to coast on it forever. The system put me on hold and i wasn't contacting anybody anyway.
How I learned this idea? The first guy I really liked, who worked at the railroad museum. He had his email address on the match page and so I gave him a holler. He was not a payer at the time so how else would I have gotten to know such a neat guy? and it was not like he was the cheap type either;maybe he wasn't happy enough to want to renew with e-harmony.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at March 18, 2005 10:42 AM

I've decided to give yahoo personals a try. I was very impressed with the free personality test they give. It really was right on with a lot of the summarys. What was also really good about it was it gives you an analysis of your last relationship. And if it was a bad one it tells you what patterns to avoid in the next one.

I figure it is only 19.95 for a month. If I get a couple of dates out of it, that will be great. If nothing, well, at least I gave it a try.

Posted by: singleagain at March 19, 2005 09:31 AM

My experiences with are all negative. All of my so-called "matches" were not compatible in any way. Opposites may attract, but at it's taken to the point of incompatibility. I gave a copy of their personality profile to a psychiatrist friend. She read it carefully and remarked, "Pop psychology and sophomoric."

Posted by: TheMildOne at March 20, 2005 06:13 AM

I think one of the biggest problems for dating sites is the fact that they mainly cater to the potential buyer rather than the current customer. The fact that so many customers are so dissatisfied with non-responses from non-members shows this to be true. While it may be possible that 90% of the people on these sites are not willing to pay, and thus not serious about meeting somebody, the fact of the matter is the paying customers need a way to find this out!

I guess is does not matter for women, being pursued on these sites so much due to the ratio's, but for men its extremly frustrating.

I wish there was a site for men to organize a boycott of the major sites,, eharmony and yahoo - to force them into displaying paying members. I imagine if a large portion of their userbase suddenly stopped paying and demanded a change, they would listen.

Of course they are making so much money baiting men in with misleading promises, they may not even care about their current customer base.

Posted by: Joe at March 21, 2005 10:22 AM

ursowrong said:

You are so wrong its not even funny. Since I started losing my hair a few years back ( still have a lot of it left but its no teenager hairline anymore ) I have gotten less and less looks and returned smiles from women to the point where I feel like a leper sometimes. Yet I see these same women throw themselves at good looking losers with barely any intelligence or wit to speak of. The difference between being a great looking person and a good looking person makes you go from a catch to barely date-able in the eyes of todays women."

First of all..not to be too nitpicky but my name is KEREN...not Karen...and I dont' know where you're looking or who you're looking at...but most I am soooo are looking for a model perfect 25 year old...and THAT's what's rejecting you. Try a real woman.


Posted by: Keren at March 21, 2005 07:26 PM

Joe: Please see the post above by Tanya, of February 25, 2005.

Posted by: bill at March 21, 2005 08:38 PM


Sorry for getting your name wrong.

Your guess is incorrect, the girls I have been looking for are within 0-4 years of my age, with a similar body type as mine up to slightly overweight ( 15-20 lbs ).

My guess is you are looking for younger guys, with model looks making obscene amounts of money. Thats why men are discarding you after they find something more interesting.

Try an honest, good man sometime, there are so many men like this online its impossible to count them. Unless you are hideous and obese, hundreds of men like this have probably already pursued you. They may not look like JFK and make 150k a year but if thats what you need to make you happy, good luck trying to land the big one.

Posted by: ursowrong at March 22, 2005 06:59 AM the height issue seems to have been resolved for the most part. Now, I'm getting closed out by the majority of my matches due to "physical distance" being too great ( I live in Central Valley, CA and most matches are in the bay area about 70 miles away). Never mind that fact that I commute 5 DAYS A WEEK to their city!! Or the fact that I plan to move BACK to that area in two years! Clearly, no one reads anything beyond the initial age, height, career adn picture area! I still get closed out as being too far away by people in the next town over! What is THAT about?!?! I am NOT a fan of eharmony and think they do not portray themselves as providing the service they claim to. I still am sticking by my original statement... I WILL NOT renew my subscription at the end of the three months!!!

Posted by: Heather Z. at March 22, 2005 09:43 AM

After reading Keren's and Ursowrong's sarcastic and snide exchanges, it's clear why so many people are unsuccessful with online matching. If anybody can personalize, internalize and get so hepped up about subjective comments without even meeting that person is bound for complete and utter failure. Drop the baggage, let go of whatever is holding you back, and just jump in the damn pool! It's not like everybody's perfect, we're never ever going to find anybody that perfect for somebody as imperfect as we are. Chances are, if you're not adept socially in real life, you'll suck on the online world as well. Having said, you should all try rapid/speed dating, it's freaking awesome!

Posted by: Ben at March 22, 2005 07:05 PM

"My guess is you are looking for younger guys, with model looks making obscene amounts of money. Thats why men are discarding you after they find something more interesting"

ursowrong, did you actually read any of my posts??? I'm not necessarily looking for a younger man...or tons of last love was over 400 lbs...true! and actually disabled so there was no money there to be had...HE left ME...not the other way around...and for another woman. His wit and charm were undeniable and so was his kindness and loving spirit. The other woman is also a lucky woman! So no I don't look for the superficial...never have...but I have been over looked by many who found me intelligent and witty and interesting...until they saw a picture and realized that I wasn't a cookiecutter doll...but a real woman! so feed your garbage to someone else okay??? Because I don't fit your preconceived idea of who I am. But I will tell you that your attitude is unpleasant to say the least and bitterness fairly drips from your keyboard! Rein that in and you may have more luck...

By the way...I LOVE bald men...



Posted by: Keren at March 22, 2005 07:12 PM

oh and by the way, URSoWrong... if hundreds of men have been pursuing me well they are doing it from a far far distance! I suppose I could slow down...but I've been standing still for long enough!

Sigh...I just want a guy to go to the movies with once in a while...or dinner...hiking....ah well...I'll take my daughter instead I guess!

Posted by: Keren at March 22, 2005 07:33 PM


Why is it ok for you to accuse me of only wanting 25 year old models but I am "unpleasant and bitter" for suggesting you are shallow in the same way?

Its so typical of people these days, you assume the worst about people but can admit no fault of your own.

You must be perfect Keren, since you love fat bald guys. Im so sorry for suggesting that you could be as shallow as your unfounded perception of me.

Any why shouldent I be bitter? After being strung along, rejected and used by girls that used to chase after me when I had more hair and looks - how can I respect women these days? LOL, im only in my mid-30s yet I feel like an old man the way Im treated.

Anyhow online dating stinks. You wont get anywhere putting up honest pictures of yourself unless you look like Brad Pitt.

Posted by: ursowrong at March 23, 2005 07:06 AM

Because I had already clearly stated that that wasn't what I was looking for and given a good example from my own life showing that to be the case. You on the other hand simply bemoaned the fact that we women are shallow and unfeeling because you are losing your hair...I would never judge a man on the lack of hair...and indeed, as also previously stated actually prefer bald men. So, perhaps we are BOTH looking in the wrong places for our hearts desire.

oh and you shouldn't be bitter because no matter what...Life is good and being bitter only drives away that for which you are looking...a nice girl? woman? to love....

Try being 48 and female in today's world and see how quickly you get slammed down! But I keep trying because there is someone out there (somewhere???) willing to see ME.

Look, I'm not perfect, I'm far from it but I have seen enough and talked to enough honest men to know...Looks are more important to a man than they are to a woman. Men are more visual...FACT than women are.

Anyway...I truly hope you find what you're looking for and wish you the best, the very best of love!


Posted by: keren at March 23, 2005 07:24 AM

I for one agree with all the voices who are flabbergasted that a commercial, for-profit website would have the gall to advertise itself in positive terms and try to make money. How dare they! After we take down e-harmony, we can go after next.

Posted by: Turiaf at March 23, 2005 07:49 AM

After reading the communication between Keren, URsowrong and jeremy I am reminded that most people fail to recognize that there are two different Eharmony sites and two different sites. There is the sub 40YO site where average or better looking women get bombarded by requests to communicate, and men often don't even get a polite no thankyou. If you are a sub 40YO woman on and you can't get dates, then there is something significantly undesirable about you (most likely overweight or multiple children). Then there is the 2nd site, where even attractive 45YO+ women find it more difficult to get a date, even though there are an equal number of men and women in that 45-60 YO age group, the women that were accustomed to having a significant ratio advantage, and had become accustomed to being very selective, have difficulty in adjusting to this change in market dynamics. For some women it is a bitter pill to swallow.

Posted by: John9876 at March 23, 2005 10:19 AM

Do people think it is okay to accuse and be hurtful on here because we are all strangers? That isn't right, we are all human and have feelings. I will be the first one to admit life isn't fair and it would be so easy to become bitter about how I get treated. But I fight that every day. I know I haven't been nice to every person I have dealt with. So when people aren't nice to me I just move on.

I went on my first internet date yesterday. Met the guy for coffee and he didn't look like his picture. I truly believe he lied about his age too. Silly me was actually surprised. I'm honest on my profile and have a recent picture. I mean if I find someone I want to meet, I don't want to have to explain myself. So now I have to call this guy and tell him I'm not interested in pursing it further. And it really wasn't the fact that he looked different, it was more the deception that bothered me, and the conversation really didn't click for me either. I mean we sat there for an hour and I think he asked me maybe two or three questions. Not that I was ready to give my life story, but it would have been nice for him to show some interest in me. And it didn't help to tell me his ex-wife had beat up one of his girlfriends once. Yeah, that is a good way to win me over......

Posted by: singleagain at March 23, 2005 04:42 PM

I for one agree with all the voices who are flabbergasted that a commercial, for-profit website would have the gall to advertise itself in positive terms and try to make money. How dare they! After we take down e-harmony, we can go after next.

Posted by: Turiaf at March 23, 2005 07:49 AM

Actually I'm all for making money...but not deceitfully. And I think for most of us that is what we see happening with eharmony. They advertise this wonderful service but don't really follow through. I paid full price for one month...realizing that you get most of the matches you're going to get when you first sign up. I got 2...for the whole month! That's pretty expensive...and one of those men was wearing a skirt!!! in all of his pictures...and I actually figured, what the heck..and took the communication to about the 4th level...and then heard nothing. Well for $25/per I don't need that kind of rejection. I have to admit that I do find it funny now...

Anyway...I suppose for men it may be fine...and women under 40...just not for me.

Perhaps a yenta????

Posted by: Keren at March 23, 2005 07:37 PM

Hey SingleAgain,

Thats one of the things I found about internet dating, its difficult to determine real chemistry online. More often than not I just didnt feel any connection with the people I met. Thats why I dont see myself internet dating again.

Its a shame the guy lied about his age and had misleading photos, but he probably felt thats the only way he could get a date online with all the competition.

Im sure if you stick with it you will do well for yourself. You may just have to weed through the liars and the rejects until you find a keeper.

Posted by: Guy at March 24, 2005 08:52 AM

Guy, how are you doing? Haven't seen you on here in awhile.

I'm thinking I might just cancel the yahoo thing. I don't want to have to weed thru the ads and go thru the whole process of trying to meet. I think I'm better off trying to find people thru work or friends. I don't know at this point anymore. What is frustrating me is I put certain criteria on my ad like age and living distance. (not older then 45 and live w/in 15 miles) So why do guys that are older and live 30 plus miles away respond? To me it seems like they are only looking at my picture and not reading what I'm looking for. So then I have to be the bad person and say I'm not interested.

Posted by: singleagain at March 24, 2005 12:20 PM

I've been reading all your posts about eHarmony. Very interesting and similar to my (unsatisfying) experience. I am a writer, currently writing a book about dating for single moms (however, single guys/dads will be interviewed as well). I'd like to possibly use some of these posts anonymously in my book in the section on internet dating. If you would NOT like me to use your posting (again, anonymously and probably edited down for space) please contact me. Otherwise, I will contact you directly to get your permission. I'm also interested in hearing from any of you about what DOES work in terms of finding a mate (especially from single moms as this is the focus of my book.) Thanks and good luck! Sharon

Posted by: Sharon at March 25, 2005 07:09 AM

Hey Sharon,
In my experience, single moms have mainly themselves to blame for being single. Every single mom I know or have dated is immature, selfish and totally afraid of commitment. And I know about a dozen of them.

None of them have ever been married though, and they are in their 20's and 30's. Maybe the ex-married ones actually have a head on their shoulders.

The reason I refuse to date single moms is their emotional baggage, not because of their children.

Posted by: SingleMoms? at March 25, 2005 07:45 AM

Oh and the reason I wrote that is so hopefully you write a truthfull book about single mothers, not some sob story about how great all these single moms are and its awful that all these bad men wont give them a chance.

Posted by: SingleMoms? at March 25, 2005 07:47 AM

"Actually I'm all for making money...but not deceitfully. And I think for most of us that is what we see happening with eharmony. They advertise this wonderful service but don't really follow through. I paid full price for one month...realizing that you get most of the matches you're going to get when you first sign up. I got 2...for the whole month! That's pretty expensive...and one of those men was wearing a skirt!!! in all of his pictures...and I actually figured, what the heck..and took the communication to about the 4th level...and then heard nothing. Well for $25/per I don't need that kind of rejection. I have to admit that I do find it funny now..."

How is anything that you've mentioned demonstrative of a deceitful business practice? Eharmony has no control over how many people that "match" you on whatever algorithm they use sign up for the service. They cannot say "ooh, Keren signed up, look at her personality profile, I guess we are going to have to go conscript enough guys that match up with it." They can't say "Well, Keren has two matches, but I can tell she's not going to like this one guy with the skirt, let's hide him from her and replace him with someone else."

Nothing you have described even remotely demonstrates deceptiveness, all it demonstrates is that the service is not worth your money. It's no different than if somebody signs up for cable television and then finds out they only watch a couple of shows a couple of times a week.

If you don't think the service is worth your money, that's all fine and dandy. Cancel it. But a whole lot of people on here seem to be conflating "not worth my money" with "dishonest and unethical."

Posted by: Turiaf at March 25, 2005 08:26 AM


As I have stated previously I am 42, and am seeking a woman whom wants to have at least one child, and I am not interested in adoption. As far as single moms are concerned, I would be very interested in a relationship with a woman that had one child and wanted another child. But I have no interest in any woman that has 2 or more children, for a few reasons. Firstly if the woman has 2 or more kids she is unlikely to want to have more children (despite what she may claim). Secondly, two+ children are probably going to occupy more of her time than I am willing to share. Thirdly, two or more kids are more of a burden/blessing than I am willing to take on. Consider me a selfish jerk is you wish, but I don't want to raise some other guys kids, and it would be unfair to the kids if I was not emotionally available to them.

Posted by: John9876 at March 25, 2005 10:25 AM

Guys and girls, if you realy want to survive in the online jungle, you need some fine-tuning. I just bought an excellent book not long ago entitled "I Can't Believe I'm Buying this Book" (seriously, that is the title)The author is a consultant for web dating and has his own company with which to help people write better profiles. Go to "" or just Google the book title or the author's name-Evan Marc Katz. The book is awesome! Katz's style of writing is a load of fun and very helpful. He says the key to better online output is creativity and uniqueness. You know, the typical hackneyed personals diatribe, like "I love walks on the beach and candlelight dinners?" Well, it just doesn't cut the treacle anymore. The author is so cute; he kind of resembles Evan Marriot on Joe Millionaire. (He's Jewish, I think. But not what you tend to think of as the 'Internet type'.) He consults by phone and his business is critique and analysis of your profiles so they don't sound like people who want the same thing. Also, confidence is a contributing factor. Katz says that insecure drivel like "I'm not really the internet type" or "I hate the bar scene and figured this would be a better way," can make or break potential friends. So check out E-Cyrano (Katz's business) sometime. You might find it worthwhile and interesting.
To may need to get flexible.Unless you live in a large city what is fifteen more miles tacked on, if we're talking about finding "the One"? Secondly, what is a few more years? I don't know how old you are exactly so I may not be one to talk, but if the guy was 46 and hit every criterion on the money, would you blow him off?

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at March 25, 2005 10:58 AM

I also wanted to say. I hear from men in their 40s, and occaisionally 50s, on the internet all the time. Alas, I am 27! So at 36, SingleAgain (I found your age out from an earlier post)relating to a guy 45+ should be silk on glass. Don't shoot the messenger;it's all Darwinian in nature. Because men have infinite prcreative ability and women do NOT, an older man desiring of children isn't going to take on someone his own age out of biological headwiring. Don't blame the Internet for this one. Just blame our biological predisposition. Ol' Chuck must be rolling on this one.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at March 25, 2005 11:18 AM

No offense taken at your comments. :) I guess the age thing is more of me just being a little on the inmature side sometimes. And I have such a hard time accepting the fact I'm almost 37. :0

I'm in a mid-size city and it is really spread out. I want someone who is in the city and not way out in the suburbs. That may seem kind of picky, I don't want to have to go all over the place. My free time is limited, so I don't want to be using it to be driving. Hey, don't blame a girl for being honest. It is funny though, the guy I did meet thru yahoo lives about three miles away from me....

As far as the biological clock goes, I am a woman in the minority who does not want to have kids. And now it seems every guy I meet wants to have kids. I don't dislike kids, I'd being willing to date a guy with a kid.

So there is my two cents for the day....

Posted by: singleagain at March 25, 2005 01:36 PM

If you don't think the service is worth your money, that's all fine and dandy. Cancel it. But a whole lot of people on here seem to be conflating "not worth my money" with "dishonest and unethical."

Turiaf...well I think you have a point...and yes it was clearly not worth my money and I have not renewed my membership. So I will say okay perhaps not dishonest...perhaps not unethical (perhaps!) but clearly a waste of money and time.

Posted by: Keren at March 25, 2005 09:16 PM

Single moms? Oh puh-leaz? One of the reasons I am so bitter about dating is the double standard of women. I am a single father who has given up on dating, because the women seem more interested in knowing why I have custody and the ex-wife doesn't. Or, once a woman finds out I have custody, she wants nothing to do with me. I never said, ‘Oh by the way, I am looking for a new mother for my child’.

A local radio station is having a ‘Singles Mingle’ later this week. There are two men and a woman who work the late afternoon show. One of the men is single and was hawking the great value of the book, ‘Always Talk to Strangers’. They interviewed the author, who, for one week, worked with the female DJ and a female caller. Personally, I think this guy is a crock. His whole mantra is telling you to pay attention to members of the opposite sex when you are out and about, get their attention, and use ‘ploys’ to get a telephone number, generate interest, etc. Basically all common sense.

After listening to him for a week as he guided these two women, I wanted to ask him, ‘What advice do you have for single parents? Children are like Kryptonite when it comes to a relationship’. Many men are dogs, not caring about kids and just wanting a woman. I also agree with the previous statements that most single mothers are immature and selfish. If a woman is with child(ren) and never married, run.

Posted by: Gary at March 27, 2005 08:30 AM

I have dated since my divorce and learned that I am alone, yet not lonely. was a joke, Yahoo Personals was a joke, and I have already stated what I thought about E-Harmony. One woman E-Harmony tried to fast track match. She had even sent me her cell phone number and wanted me to call. Her photos were published, but I just got an incredibly uneasy feeling about her, so I closed the match. Like others stated, I had matches close-by who put me on hold with the intent of maybe being interested later. For grins, I would troll Yahoo and and guess what, you-know-who was on those sites as well. is another sham, as I've seen the same faces there as on the other sites. I set up an account on, no picture and very little information, just so I could peruse profiles. After a couple of weeks I closed the account. Within days I was receiving e-mails from females who were ‘interested’ in communicating with me and wanting to know more. The major red flags were 1) I'm 36 and these females were all under 23, 2) they were in the next state, and 3) I didn't fill out so much a sentence about myself.

Posted by: Gary at March 27, 2005 08:33 AM

(Had to break my post into three posts, because of something "questionable".)

I think anyone who claims to be dating every week from E-Harmony matches is not honest. I am not basing that off of my experience, but the collective experiences from this site. All Internet dating sites are a sham. Right now I'm trying to find out how to contact the people who write articles on Microsoft News or USA Today that put a positive spin on these dating sites. I want these people to see these sites for what they are -- 21st Century Snake Oil Salesmen.

Posted by: Gary at March 27, 2005 08:37 AM

I recently got back together with an ex-girlfriend and Its as good as its been in a long time for us.

Take my advice Internet dating people, go and find the people who meant something to you in your life and forget about this "plenty of fish in the sea" mentality. The truth is, there isnt that many fish in the sea, and it is truly something special when you have a connection with somebody.

Please dont waste life away thinking about what the next person might have to offer and concentrate on how the person you are with can make you happy.

Remember nobody is perfect, just like no relationship is perfect all the time. Ive realized this and Im extremely optimistic about the future with my girlfriend.

Maybe a little retrospect is all we really need.

Posted by: Guy at March 28, 2005 07:59 AM

Guy good for you!!! I'm happy for you. It is nice to see something postive on here.

I met up with another person from yahoo, and surprisingly 1. he looks like his picture 2. didn't lie about his age and 3. seems like a nice normal guy. We met up at a diner and talked for two hours. I feel like it is worth seeing where this might go. I know he made me laugh more then I have in months, which was wonderful.

Posted by: singleagain at March 28, 2005 12:39 PM

Hi all, it took me a long time to get through your writings…very interesting. I thought something was up with, but never suspected it being the scam it appears to be. I have been involved in the personals for about 6 years, starting with newspaper (no pictures) to yahoo, then recently I have probably met well over a 100 men by now, but I must admit, there are good matches to be found (and got fooled by a few too). It is hard and it can be heart wrenching! I did meet some very special men (one relationship lasted 4.5 years) and I just recently met someone on that I’ve been dating for 3 months now who is quite special. I also have spent a lot of time looking at different ads (both men and women) and I cannot believe some of the photos or what some people will actually say! I mean really, men without shirts, sitting in chairs that have holes in the arm rests!!! Pictures that look like they should be advertising anti-depressants!

I think you need to take it all with a grain of salt, keep your integrity and be totally honest, and just be yourself. I think taking good care of ourselves is also important and will only enhance any relationship we enter, because when we feel good it shows!

Internet dating isn’t for everyone, but given the limited choices of meeting people, it is and can be one avenue for making a connection (praying and positive visualization helps too!). Keep the faith!

Posted by: 50thisyear at March 30, 2005 03:34 PM

I too had filled out the personality test on e-H, just for ****&grins and It was VERY accurate and matches are pouring in- they ALL sound perfect- It all seems to good to be true-as I was not born yesterday I know it more than likely is! I sent them an E-mail to complain about the high cost of joining (this being my first attempt at internet dating, I didn't know they were more costly than anyone else) My real problem with them is they are using all the info from this vast pool of people for there own research, and or selling it to others! This is I am sure one of the biggest money making schemes ever to be introduced! I am so glad I found this site before I succumbed to the persistent lure of finding my "soul mate" I am just looking for someone with teeth and a job! a couple movies and dinner and you know if this person is boyfriend, friend, or fiend material. For Gods sake give us some credit as humans, and just because people may match well at the moment does not guarantee that "love of your life" is not gonna "run for their life" when that perfect partner comes down with some wretched illness! So to all of us out here single and advice is take the personality quiz and take at good look at yourself. If you keep finding losers (like I do) It is because you are attracting them, figure out why, and try to find out if they are creeps before you fall in love with them, if it's too late for that, you gotta decide -IS IT WORTH IT- good luck to all and thanks for helping me decide not to waste my $! I will save it for a face lift tummy tuck boob job and liposuction! then I will find the man of my dreams, who's looking for that down to earth honest type! LOL

Posted by: cathy at April 2, 2005 09:36 AM

I've had experience with both Eharmony and Match. Match seems fairly honest to me....I have had contacts and at least I have ended up responding with live women.I think Eharmony is a giant scam that got me....twice.My first go round I ended up talking through email to my first match,she was in major financial ruin and looking for help.Maybe not Eharmony's fault...but the day after my subscription expired,I got a new match who had requested communication already.I thought about it for a day,curiosity got the better of me.I plunked down another $50 membership,we went through the communication stage.It was about to go to open communication when she suddenly stops communicating.I was weary of this because there seemed to be no reason for it,just to stop.Anyway,when that membership expired...a day later....same thing happens.New match requests communication.No I will not do it it is a I will her profile sounds alright.....cannot do it scam....plunk down goes another $50.Same results.Three matches get to that final set of answers and quit writing.Now my answers were all pretty standard safe answers.. no reasons to stop communicating.So that membership ends and now every week I get a match found already requests communication,along with get three months for the price of one...get that one every week.I will not fall for it again,I am completely convinced it is not on the level.

Posted by: Chris at April 16, 2005 07:25 AM

I tried to post this a week ago, but the board did seem to be working at the time. Anyway, thank you cathy for filling out the eharmony profile, so that you could be added to the roughly 60% of eharmony matches that I get that are not even active members. :)

Posted by: John9876 at April 16, 2005 01:22 PM

Well, it looks like I'm another one of those that eHarmony won't even try to match up.

It wouldn't be so bad if there were SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE on the site that said not everyone could or would be matched until AFTER you take the test. That, in itself, is deceptive advertising, and ought to be grounds for a class action suit.

After reading this page (or rather about half of it), I'm rather glad they didn't ask me for $50. I've tried other sites, even a BBW-FA/BHM-FFA site, where the best result was a LJBF... Now, I admit, I'm not the most positive guy around (I suffer from drug-resistant bipolar II, which effectively keeps me out of the workforce), but you'd think that someone, somewhere would find me interesting enough to date.

Apparently not.

Still, I have not given up all hope. I currently have a profile posted on OK Cupid (, which is a free site. Just take the hyphen out of my name if you want to take a look.

Thanks for letting me vent about all the scams out there. If anyone decides to lynch that quack, I'll bring the rope. (Just kidding, of course...)

Posted by: Admiral-SirJohn at April 19, 2005 04:13 PM

I was first on match 5 years ago and had some pretty good luck meeting women (most would write back and after about 6 meetings in person I met a member who I had a 6 month relationship with) I know find myself unattached again and find that it seems match has run its course. I am attractive, fit, financially sound, etc. and 47 years old. If someone does write back (which is rare) it usaully fizzles after a few letters and I never hear back.


Why would a women who has been on for months/years, and is active every day, and seems to be a good match for me not respond, even to say no thanks?

I assume I am just nieve and the service has just taken on a new "coldness". I respond to everyone, it is just common courtesy and only takes a few seconds.

Posted by: bob at April 23, 2005 08:12 PM


It used to be that non-subscribing 'members' on Match, could reply if a subscribing member wrote to them.

Now non-subscribers cannot respond.

This may be part of your problem with the new-Match

Posted by: Koriandr at April 25, 2005 07:26 AM


But why do they bother to put and keep a profile up. It is only $20 or so a month. I understand it is to match's advantage to keep the unsuspected coming back. I will give it another few weeks and then I am done. Is there a site that does not allow this? Only paid members?

Posted by: bob at April 26, 2005 04:37 PM

Haha, I too typed in "eharmony sucks" and happened upon this site. I'm glad I haven't paid any money to them because it looks like a ripoff. I did the personality test and other initial set-up stuff, and they found 3 matches. Can't see their pics at all, and there's no way I'm going to pay them and find out their appearance isn't on par with me. Bump that. Why can't there be a free site that's paid by advertising, sheesh.

Posted by: Mike at April 26, 2005 11:17 PM

Anybody out there on this board have a problem with a low response rate on I am really confused. I think I got more "hits" when I was 25, two years ago, an Internet newbie, and unfortunately had "a few extra pounds" Now I'm a size 8/10, age 27, almost done with school and know more about what I want out of life, but the response rate for me is really poor, and too may 40-year-olds at one whack. There's no dearth of thirty-something males out there.What do I want to do with middle aged men at 27? Enlighten me if you will? Two years ago, I gave them a try just to get my feet wet on the Web-dating scope, I wasn't too thrilled, so I decided to conduct an experiment and see if anything has changed since i have gotten savvier. I think my M.O. in the future will be to stick with sites that focus on match-making, not dating. At least then you know you have a chance.Aren't you tired of the whole song and dance-talking online, then on the phone, then meet in person and you're both disappointed and just another one-date wonder to add to your resume. Come on, it sucks to have to reject men in their forties, men that can't spell, or men that are playahs, but the reason I'm online is to have choices. Just like the rest of you.A few of the Eharmony guys I talked to were quite interesting-no follow-up, but people worth my time.And I got a lot more matches than on, which is a huge global site that includes MSN and AOL. Who knows why?

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at April 28, 2005 08:31 AM

Oh yeah....if you want to see me on

my username is: "sweetpotatoqu196"

Notice that in 2003-
i was 25
a few extra pounds
done some college
a little naive about the Internet
can't remember what I wrote, but I probably wasn't all that impressive.
had only 1 photo up.

got a lot more hits than...

in 2005-
i am 27,
trying to quit smoking,
i'm athletic looking and in good shape,
about to graduate,
know a lot more about what I want-after reading tips from Evan Katz on how to be "unique and stand out"
i have 3 photos up. Nice photos, no older than two years ago.

I'm just as confused as you are. Aren't men supposed to outnumber women on there 5 to 1?? Or is the class of people just worse?

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at April 28, 2005 08:52 AM

I too had better luck with no picture. Now I don't think I am spectacular but I am not dogmeat either. Never got replies with "few extra pounds" or "average" and those who did decided I was too fat. WHen I tried a BBW site I got swamped with nine replies my first day....all telling me to remove my bony ass from this site and go to the "normal sized" site. I do think the whole net thing is a total bust. I have posted an ad on match--and got two. that is right, only TWO replies in a month. I live in a large city. Can't blame a rural environment.

Well, Guy gives good advice, but all the men from my past are married...though a couple wish to start an extramarital affair. Funny, I was not marriage material but they thought it complimentary that they find me affair material. It wasn't. So I guess that is one more door closed as I deserve more than to be part time POA.

So perhaps I am doomed to 400 cats, but at least I can afford a big house for all of us.

Posted by: kittymom at May 2, 2005 09:53 PM

I re-joined eharmony a month and a half ago and no matches so far. I read that if you are marked "non-spiritual" you will reduce your chances; I had. I changed it and now have matches right off the bat. Ridiculous.

Posted by: BDF at May 3, 2005 12:22 AM

I tried EH for one month and just closed out a couple of days ago. For the first week or so it was fun to get home from work and log on to see if anyone had sent communications. After a couple of weeks, I became bored. For me it had more to do with sitting at the computer more than usual and feeling a little obsessed with the service. At the end of my one month I had been communicating with one match who sounded like a nice man, but he had not posted his photo and I was concerned because many of my matchesappeared to be much older than the range I had specified.

Someone mentioned earlier that a photo gives you "some" idea of visual chemistry so as to avoid any uncomfortable situations in the future. I tend to agree with this...and it is okay because beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway. After I posted my photo, I was closed out by one match and I don't think I am unattractive. I cringed for about a second and then got over it.

In the end I decided that it was me who had the issue...just fear in not knowing who was really on the other end. I think I'll keep hoping that I just bump into the right one while I am out living my life. Congratulations to you who didn't let fear get the best of you and who have matched up with a prospect. I may or may not have given up a potentially nice relationship. It doesn't matter. I made the decision.

Posted by: Gayle at May 5, 2005 07:31 PM

If is sounds to good to be probably neice just joined...says she does not want to meet unless you make over 100,000.00...any normal man..would look at that and run...she has had a lot of who knows...people are so stupid..!!!!!!!

Posted by: Emme at May 6, 2005 07:48 AM

Whats the big deal with making 100k? Ive made 100k ever since I turned 30, and most of the college educated people I know in their 30's make 100k. Unless she is looking for a 25 year old I think thats fine. I only search for women making 75k or more because I like women with some ambition. I figure they are less inclined to want to become a professional money spender like so many married women these days.

Posted by: Hmm at May 6, 2005 04:49 PM

100K/year where most people live is a lot of money. Then there are parts of California, NYCity, WashDC, etc.. where $100K /year doesn't buy too much. Perspective!

Posted by: John9876 at May 6, 2005 07:17 PM

OK...she is 24...single mom never married...she has not been completely honest...father of child is living with her..but they are not together...he is pending jail...drunk driving...she is still tied way tight to her moms apron strings...none of this is in her profile...whoever ends up dating this wacknut..will be sorry...her mom told her..she better find someone sick of paying her the a Jerry Springer show waiting to happen!!!!

Posted by: eme at May 6, 2005 08:15 PM

I have a idea becouse of and and other dating services and that is we can make a dating service and it will knee other dating service down. But this is a idea for us,if we do thing about this dating problem may be we need to make a company for dating in the world more better that all the others.

may the force be with us and be safe.
mad 4 be single.

sorry for feeling this way and god bless all of us.

Posted by: craig at May 8, 2005 10:42 AM

Wow, she does sound like a wreck, and the women complain about guys lying about their height!

Posted by: Hmm at May 8, 2005 02:06 PM

OK..what do you think of this one...I love to read your posts...this guy has contacted my Neice...he says he is a Dr..he lives approximately 2 hours away...why is he looking so far you think he is many married men are on do you think..Just curious...

Posted by: emme at May 9, 2005 03:08 PM

Add one more to the long list of people who have been ripped off by and their automatic renewals, no refunds, fake profiles and rude customer despair department.
I feel like an idiot.

So many single people, so many dreams yet to be fulfilled, so much profit to be made. “What is your dream mate worth to you? You are but a click away from your dream mate”, err credit card swipe. We find your perfect match. is a lucrative scam.

I cancelled the same day my subscription renewed and they refused to refund my money.
Has anyone ever got their money back?

The money spent on these rip off sites is better spent on events, activities and parties. My plan and recommendation is to get away from the computer screen. Get out and do things I enjoy. Meet similar people enjoying what I enjoy, face to face. You don’t need to join a club, but some groups can be fun.

Stay clear of!

Posted by: SMS at May 11, 2005 12:54 PM

So glad I came across this site. Here is my eHarmony experience for any that are interested. Of course, it started out with me just wanted the "free" personality profile...then I start getting matches and requests for communication, etc. Curious, I paid the money and joined. Matched up with a guy that wanted an "honest" woman - we talked for a few months, then went out. He told me that he had stopped eHarmony to put all his effort into our relationship. Long story short - months later, I don't hear from him for a week (something quite unusual) I tried to contact him with no success and 1 month later, I got closed on eHarmony with the message "I'm pursuing other relationships" WOW!!!!

Bottom line, I'm not sure what I think about the eHarmony process. Soooo exhausting and difficult. Don't plan on renewing my membership once it expires. I would love to think eHarmony will work for me, but I just don't know.

Maybe all of us who have been jaded by the process should start our own matching service! :)

Best wishes to all that try. As for me, I want to throw my TV through the window everytime Neal Clark Warren pops up at commercial time. He looks so chipper and happy! He ought to be, he has our money!!

Posted by: akm at May 12, 2005 08:41 PM

This has got to be a world record for number of comments on a blog posting!

I have been on eHarmony for two months and will stay on for another month or two. I have not been unhappy with the service. It's not that expensive. A month's service is the same as a night's bar tab, and you find better quality people.

I am in my late thirties and have gotten about 150 matches in two months. I live in a large city. Based on my experience, here's my advice on using eHarmony.

Post a picture and allow it to be seen from the beginning. If you are not considered attractive, some people will close you right away. That's ok. You are going to have to meet the person eventually anyway, and it is better to be honest about your appearance than to be disappointed later. If you are overweight, post a facial and full body shot. Matches will know exactly what to expect, and you will know that anyone who continues communication is ok with this. I find moderately overweight women to be more attractive than very thin ones, and larger women are more likely to accept flaws in your appearance, too.

If you are not religious, do not set your profile to block religious people. Not everybody who clicks on the Christian box is a bible thumper. Some people went to church when they were kids, stopped going as adults, but still consider themselves Christian, or do not feel comfortable saying they are not religious. Only block religious people if there is no way you would ever consider a religious person as a partner. Remember, they have the ability to block you too, and if a match is made, it means they are allowing non-religious matches.

Depending on your age range, you will find many women with kids. Many women who are in their 30s have kids. If you have never been married and do not have kids, you may think you should exclude women with kids. This is a personal decision, but be aware that this will limit your matches significantly.

Posted by: David at May 12, 2005 09:07 PM

Eme, I read someplace that a guesstimate was that 45 percent of all men claiming to be single are married or involved (living with/engaged/serious RS.) As for the distance, it does not mean he is married (especially if he is in a rural area) but if he is in a big city it could be a potential red flag. After all, he can blame distance for the broken dates, no-shows, and lack of phone calls... A not so conservative guess was about 60 percent of "single" guys are involved/married. As for the rest of it, has anyone noticed most men are doctors, lawyers, or engineers, who have "some college" checked? Things that make ya go hmmmmm....

Not sure about the male side of the house, but I did snicker at some "girl" who was 23, three kids, never married, no education who demanded a college grad making upwards of 100K. Thought to myself "dream on" but she was very thin and exposing a ton of flesh so one never knows.

Sounds like your niece has major red flags of her own, which means most men will be beating her door down LOL. Sorry, guys, but for some reason too many of you loooove the chicks with major issues.

Posted by: kittymom at May 12, 2005 11:17 PM

In reply to kittymom,

Your 45-60% of men claiming to be single actually being involved is absurd. In my experience women tend to stray from their relationships more than men. Men will break it off if its not going well, women will hold onto a bad relationship until they find a new guy - and there is an intermediate period when she sees both men. Usually she wont break it off with the old guy till she sleeps with the new guy and determines he is an adequate lover.

In my experience its not worth chasing totally single women, there is a reason they are single - its better to try and snatch a girl away from a mediocre or bad relationship.

Posted by: Greg at May 13, 2005 11:11 AM


No opinion on kittymom's stats. (Although they seem a little high. Oops! That was an opinion, wasn't it?)

But to match anecdotal evidence against Greg's, I stuck the marriage out. Ex-husband had the 'intermediate period'.

If the estranged boyfriends don't kill you Greg, the generalities may.

Posted by: Koriandr at May 13, 2005 12:25 PM

Second what Kori more than one past relationship, it was the guy who strayed, the guy who maintained dishonest singledom, and the guy who bailed once he found "the better deal" (which has little to do with me since they better dealed all the others too.) Fortunately for me, I found out before marriage. Now other women are stuck with their lying; while they did marry, they are for the most part still playing around.

On, I did manage to meet (or almost) four guys who, from their actions, turned out to be married. Since I had about 15 dates off match, I figure this puts me at about 27 percent. Of the three I got off eHarmony, one was married--33 percent.

As for the other numbers: Diana House founded the background-check service to ensure women that their online boyfriends are being truthful. House, who has worked with thousands of grateful clients, says flatly, "Around 40 percent of the guys online are misrepresenting themselves in some way. The Internet is a perfect place to pretend to be someone you're not." She did cite that men most frequently lie about relationship status.

In another article, pushing, which supposedly does background checks on its clientele :
Background Checks are Desired By Many Online Dating Participants
According to the study findings, 61 percent of study participants are concerned that other members are misrepresenting themselves on online dating sites and 45 percent expressed a desire to have access to background checks on other members. Moreover, a shocking 30 percent of those who participated in the study were actually married or living with a significant other. In Canada, sociology profs Brym and Lenton's digital dating survey shows that 18% of online daters were already married or in common-law relationships.

Love, Internet Style by David Brooks, The New York Times: "... now forty million Americans look at online dating sites each month, and we are seeing a revolution in the way people meet and court one another. About a fifth of online daters are married men. Whatever else has changed, men are more likely to be predators looking for sex, while women try to hold back. The online dating world is superficially cynical."

Brym and Lenton found that many online daters lie about their age, appearance and marital most likely to lie about marital status or height, women age and weight. Both sexes seem to be equal in lying by photo.

So depending on where you live or look, the numbers of men misrepresenting themselves from the teens to the 60th percentile....with the #1 lie being relationship status.

PS to Greg: my ex-bf was the same way and last I knew slept with a 9mm because he could not keep his d*** out of the OPP.

Posted by: kittymom at May 13, 2005 07:35 PM

Screw e I was going to take a look at this site to see if I wanted to join,but after reading these entries, no thanks.
I have been in for about 4 weeks now,I like match myself. I don't care what anyone sez, you have to see a photo of them to see if your attracted to them. There are other things that go along with that,like age, kids, fat,skinny ,large,personality all that other stuff has to be there too. But if they contact me with no photo,then I don't respond. they see my photo,now I want to see theres. Don't give me that crap about what does a photo matter.
I'm 52 and I'm meeting some attractive nice gals on match. Oh sure there are girls who want everything ,looks ,money and money and did I mention money :) It's not perfect,but it's better than being on the street, I can tell you that.
I confident that I'll meet a nice lady on match. Now all your gals between 40 and 55 pissed off with e send me your e mail and I'll tell you where I'm at.

Posted by: Ken at May 15, 2005 08:14 PM

C'mon, ladies and gentlemen. Wake up. Why would you ever think anyone, including the pin-headed idiots at, would ever "offer" anything unless it was to their advantage? For a brief moment back in the 1960's, we actually had a huge number, millions actually, that didn't really care about money. Now? It's ONLY about money. Nothing else. And please note that these same idiots serve "you" dead last and usually never at all.

Keep on truckin'!

---Mr. Natural

Posted by: Mr. Natural at May 16, 2005 03:36 PM

In response to the 2 K's again,

Your evidence is not nearly enough to convince me. Virtually every date or hookup I have had for the past several years started with a girl who admitted she "kinda" had a boyfriend. Sounds like the 1 or 2 men who strayed from you doesent match up to my experience.

As far as hanging on when it wasnt working, have fun wasting time, Its pointless.

Honestly, I dont even know any truly single women, I dont think they exist. The girls I have met online have all been dating several men, playing the field. Im 29 though, maybe age plays a role.

As far as estranged bf's, well they were mostly happy to see their gf's leave actually. Not one of them ever confronted me, and the one guy who was upset ended up befriending me after meeting me.

Posted by: Greg at May 17, 2005 09:03 AM

My question is for everyone in general, not gender specific. Why can't people just be honest when they want a relationship to end? I can say truthfully, when I have wanted a relationship to end, I just bite the bullet and let the person know, no matter how crappy it makes me feel. I was dating a guy I met online thru yahoo, having a great time so I thought. We dated for almost two months, and then all of a sudden, no phone calls, no return phone calls. I feel so side-swiped by this. I don't understand why he couldn't be honest and say, hey this isn't working. That would have hurt a heck of a lot less then what I have felt.

Posted by: singleagain at May 18, 2005 08:29 PM

Greg, offhand I would say age does play a role to a certain extent. Most men won't date a woman their age or older, so at 29, your demographic is probably mid-20s...who do not know what they want. They are in the "grass is greener" syndrome...but there is always someone hotter, better built or richer. However, some men and women never stop this.

As for me, I don't have a lot because I bail out when I see red flags. I don't date "separated" people, stay far away from those who are living with "exes", and run screaming from someone who spends his first date with me bashing their ex girlfriend because odds are he is still f*cking her. If you want more than boo-tay, stay away from those who "kinda" have SOs...isn't that like "kinda pregnant" or "sort of dead"?

Singleagain raises a valid point: honesty hurts initially but in the long run it is appreciated far more than BS and lies. BTW, he will probably reappear like the last date I had...disappeared for four months after five pretty good dates, only to reappear. I could just envision this guy, who found something better (thus the disappearing act) who ditched him, frantically digging thru old emails looking to scare up a date with someone he ditched without a word (greener grass was Astroturf, I guess). By that time I was involved with someone else and lost interest. I met my SO at work, so I don't online date anymore...but I won't go back to it if single again.

Posted by: kittymom at May 19, 2005 11:06 AM

I don't understand why all you guys are knocking eharmony? (I might be blowing it here, but heck why be greedy?). I have found eharmony to be the easiest site in the world for a guy who wants t get laid! Trust me! Use common sense. These women just want romance. All you have to do is make them feel special and you will succeed. I'd gladly pay $100.00 a month!

Posted by: Mitch at May 22, 2005 08:16 AM

Well thank you Mitch. I'll consider myself forewarned.

Posted by: Keren at May 25, 2005 08:37 PM

Sorry, Mitch, lots of women are getting more savvy nowadays about that type of mentality,if not downright cynical.Welcome to the 21st century.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at May 25, 2005 10:29 PM

Oh, and Kittymom, what is a "part-time POA"?
RE:comments about (married men) thinking you are "affair matierial"

Never heard that one before-"POA" Anagrams! There should be a 21st-century glossary for them all.

Posted by: Edie Cieutat at May 25, 2005 10:43 PM

Edie, it is "part time piece of a**." In other words: "I will never leave the bitch of a wife, but I am too damn cheap to pay for sex so I am hoping to scam some woman." If you are lucky enough to land one of these he will eventually fess up, but will spend 20 percent of time having sex with you and 80 percent bitching about his bitch of a wife..before going home to her. That is, if he manages to get lucky with you. If not he will complain 100 percent of the time in the hopes of getting lucky.

And agree about the cynicism: that phony romance crap stenches out worse than Designer Imposters perfume and most women don't fall for it.

Posted by: kittymom at May 26, 2005 09:53 AM

To Edie,

Edie, if you mean to imply that I am somehow behind the times, you might have to re-think your premises. I, my dear, am on the cutting edge! My techinques only work with women who have modern and progressive sensibilties!(our grandmothers would have been far wiser and less naive). It's a shame you could not confer with the the theater director, college professor, veterinarian, CPA, and attorney who so willingly complied with my approach.(incidently, each one these fine and educated women would eagerly vouch for my sensitive, honest, and good-natured company). God, I love the 21st century! :)

Mitch "The Rogue" DiRenzo

Posted by: Mitch at May 26, 2005 10:46 AM

Funny stuff Mitch,

I dont think its eHarmony girls, its just girls in general these days are so easy. I think they believe that by sleeping with you, you will want to be in a relationship with them. Sorry but being easy is not a high priority on my list of things I want in a relationship partner!

I remember back in school when it was tough to get laid, these days its a joke.

Posted by: Johnny at May 26, 2005 01:47 PM

To Johnny,

You, Sir, make an excellent point. I might add that men have not changed; women have changed. Instead of becoming angry with men, more virtuous women should become angry with the less virtuous ones. When so many women give it away so freely, the value of "womanhood?" tanks! It's like when a government prints more money with no tangible backing---the existing currency loses value!


Posted by: Mitch at May 26, 2005 02:53 PM

All right, this has seriously degraded. We're not even having real discussion anymore, we're just using apparent discussion as an excuse to hurl insults at each other and engage in gender wars. Lame. I've already deleted several other subthreads that have devolved and the quality ratio keeps falling.

I've actually closed down this weblog a while ago in favor of launching new ones - my political one is, and my personal one is . Most of my effort on museworld lately is honestly dealing with comment and trackback spam.

I'll leave the comments up for those that find the site and want to read about people's experience with match and eharmony, but to free up some of my own headspace, I'm closing down new comments on this thread.

Thanks for all the participation, it's been fun, mostly.

Posted by: tunesmith at May 26, 2005 03:11 PM