Hunting The Muse

I know what you mean about boredom and filling out questionnaires for the heck of it, but you never know unless you try.

Have you found a site that works better for you? I am wondering if any of these sites really work.

not really. although I know match.com works for some. I think you have to really work hard at it though. I've met three match.com people in two years I wouldn't really be a representative sample.

Interesting comments, Curt. I just deactivated my eharmony account. The guys they matched me with were way out of my age range...and the ones I did chat with for a prolonged period of time either moved waaay too quickly or not at all. The personality profile was interesting but not worth the bucks, in my opinion!

I've gotten to the point with net-matchmaking folks that I either want there to be a really good group-activity reason to meet them entirely separate from romantic expectations, or just ignore them entirely. It's just so exhausting when you meet someone in person and find out there's nothing there, sometimes not even for a friendship. I am just not able to say, "I don't want to be friends with you." It sucks. Other times I got busy and then felt silly writing back after two weeks passed.

Did you think your profile was accurate? I didn't like mine.

Hey Curt! Funny thing about all this internet dating scene....sometimes when things are so black and white it doesn't allow the person's personality to show thru. Also, while my personality profile is not 100% to what I feel to be true, it is close enough. The funniest thing about eharmony in particular is how many guys are all about 'honesty"...yet they are not honest enough to say thanks but no thanks and keep stringing you along. Mentioned to one of my long-term clients at work (she works in MA, I work in FL) that I was on eharmony...told me a story how one of her buddies was on eharmony and the guy she was matched with closed her out by saying he was in a relationship. Yet that same day, the same girl got a match from Match.com...and guess who she was matched with...yep, the guy who closed her out on eharmony. That was the whole reason I was lead to this page...was looking for postings from people that were not particularly pleased with eharmony. As for you, what makes you feel you can't say "I don't want to be friends with you"? Is it that you can't say it in person or via email or both? Very interesting comment. anyway, thanks again for the fyi!

Hi, Calichick--I join you in my disappointment with e-harmony. They promise a "scientific" match, but I've had much better success just getting to know people on other, less expensive sites. Here's what happened to me: I was matched with one guy who was new to e-harmony, and he kept telling me he was getting so many matches that he just couldn't respond to them all. Hmmmm. That hadn't been my experience. So I wrote to e-harmony and asked them for the gender demographcis for my area so I could get a better idea of what I was paying for (i.e., were there three times more women than men on the site?). They sent me a fluffy answer that didn't address the question. When I pressed the question, they said they don't give out that information because dating sites are so competitive. In the first few months, I was "matched" with two guys who didn't respond, two guys who were definitely not even close to a match, and one guy I met briefly. So the way I look at e-harmony is that they charge a lot of money (compared to most other sites), but provide fewer opportunities to meet people because we're trusting that they're matching us well. That wasn't my experience. Many of the things e-harmony matches are things we find out ourselves quickly anyway--sense of humor, whether we like adventure, music, etc. Bottom line: I wouldn't recommend it.

Hey Gail- Have a co-worker visiting from out of town. She met her husband through Match.com and her best friend also met her husband through Match.com. They each got married within 10 and 11 months of meeting, respectively. Seems the online dating process worked for them...Match.com used both of them as success stories. Dontcha just love it when stories end 'happily ever after"?? :-)

Has anyone had trouble closing e-harmony? My friend signed up and received crummy matches - way too old. When we try to cancel (within our 7 day trial period) we have to go to a "live chat" with a rep and every time they act as though they are no longer receiving our messages. I am frustrated.

Send an email to Customer Service. They were always good at getting back to me within 24 hours. After I cancelled (ie-had them stop charging my credit card) I never got another match from them...whereas before I got approximately 50 over three months. About 75% of the guys I got were way older...my range is 25-40....got tons of 48-60, several in their late 60's and 2 in early 70's!!

Wow, that was my experience too. I decided last year to tey eharmony because all the other sites were really just men looking for supermodels, or only for hookups till that supermodel came along. I got men with kids (I don't want to be a stepparent), and men who were WAY older than me. One was pushing 70 (I am in my 30s) and said he did not act his age, and started with sexual innuendo right out to prove it. I thought "oh great, a total immature jackass who needs Viagra to look at me." I can get immature jackasses in my own age group.

I do know someone who is engaged out of eharmony, but no one who actually married someone out of any of the other sites.

I haven't really liked eharmony's matches for me, either. First, I find the profiles too vague anyway - women are less apt to say anything original in their profiles (probably for good reason), it's all "I believe in work-hard, play-hard, and I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh." ugh. I at least try and show some personality in my profiles. I also don't like that eharmony doesn't let me specify anything tighter than their default age range, which is too wide for me. Finally, it asked me pretty detailed questions about my physical tastes in the profile, but it's matching me with people that aren't really even a close fit.

Has anyone tried match.com's new "physical attraction" test? It made me feel better about myself. It said that I was picky, but I was fine with out-of-the-mainstream looks. Also it appears I'm definitely not racist, at least not as far as beautiful women go. So that's comforting. heh.

Heh. I signed up for eharmony a month ago and haven't received any matches at all. Maybe there aren't many atheist women from Ohio subscribed to their service. Of course, I could just have a difficult personality to match.

Thanks for the heads-up on the age thing. I wonder if the out-of-range matches are the result of a flaw in their code, or folks lying about their ages.

If eharmony doesn't work out, I won't bother with Match or any other online dating site. All the other ones seem to mimic the distasteful meat-market atmosphere of the offline club scene. Ick, no thanks.

As for the age thing on eharmony...they will change it for you if you complain (ie-ask them nicely).

My preferred ages were 25-38, but given their set up I could only go one way, either up or down. When I got several mid-60-ish guys, I complained...they changed it within 24 hours to my preferred parameters.

E-harmony didn't really work for me and I closed my account. My profile was somewhat realistic but I found their personality evaluation to be very generic and general. "Sally is a nice, easy-going, caring person" and then communication is attemped and reality comes crashing in. I found many people to be non-responsive or not willing to drive 40 miles to meet with someone. I spent two weeks talking to someone only to finally get their picture(I had posted my picture at the start)and trully see who I was talking to. Then there's the other side of the coin with Match.com where it's all about the picture. I just have a hard time bragging about myself and with how some people describe themselves. I've met some of woman through match.com and many seem to have a "shopping-network" approach to dating. I started asking myself many times, "Am I the primary date or a backup option this week?"

eHarmony SUCKS!!!! BIG TIME!!!! DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY . . . IT'S A CON, A TOTAL RIPOFF!!!

eharmony... in theory maybe ... A friend of mine was a member and said that I had "requested communication" with her when I had not. This got me to thinking that maybe one reason for the low response rate were bogus or non existant matches. Also the contacts I made didn't seem that great as soulmate material.
so be happy and do the things you like to do and good things will happen.

eharmony couldn't even match my ass up. I guess it's cause of my income which is zip zero nada. It ain't my fault i don't have a job. I'm gettin up off my ass and looking for one every week i get a lead on jobs. I have a profile on singlescrowd and Im doin pretty well I haven't even paid for my account yet...ever and I collectively have had over a hundred responses. I'm thinkin of payin for a membership to singlescrowd cause im gettin some major hotties.

I signed up at eharmony, and it looked OK so far. I haven't paid yet, I'm still looking around to see if I like it. I was in a situation where another member was a match and requested communication, and I think they might of been busy and flagged me as closed. Well I went to close them as a match, and I expected to be able to keep them as a bookmark and or somehow be able to contact them later. I was pretty shocked to see that I only had the option to ban that person from ever sending me a message again. This is someone I know very little about, and I have absolutly no reason to ban them from communicating with me. I only do that if the person is abusive or harassing me? So I'm assuming if I pay money that I don't get more options, but a paying member could verify this for me. Well I certainly am not going to be paying any money if I am forced to ban people like this. Anyone else annoyed by this?

I'm thinking of joining E-Harmony..I live in L.A. and wonder if people out there in L.A. have had any success in meeting quality people. I want to meet women from 40 to 50 yo. Any feedback would be appreciated!

What I find Ironic and somewhat tragic are people who say they are open minded and don't care about looks in their online profiles, but lose interest when they learn I have a physical disability. I have had several people abruptly leave online chat sessions with me when they learn of my condition. One Person didn't even know what a disability was! It makes me cry. I am a nice person with a lot to offer someone if they would just allow me to do so. Best of luck everybody and peace to you all.

Well, looks like the jury is still out on eharmony.com. Didn't get a match for about a month and finally when I did, she sent a communication. I paid and joined and responded with the questionaire. Got to the second stage and then was put on hold. Ok...no big deal. But then got 3 more matches and paid for another month and seems like everytime I get to the 3rd stage, I'm put on hold. Am I being conned? Has this happened to anyone else? I guess only time will tell if these are real matches or just a big setup.

Can we sue eharmony? Get a class action thing going? I think it's a scam which purposely draws out the meeting process and makes it more difficult in order to make people stay as members and keep paying fees. Does anyone know how to start a class action?

I ended up closing my account too - I dragged my feet on the trial until they gave me a free one-month membership, and even then I never got past stage 1 with anyone.

That's interesting that people feel like they have reason to doubt if their matches are actually real. You'd have to have hard evidence of that, though, like a former employee who would confirm it, and internal emails and stuff.

I joined eHarmony in December and got 5 matches right away but was put off by the $50 a month thing because a friend said he got 30 days free. So I wrote asking for the promotional code for the 30 days free and they said there was no such thing. They sent me an offer for buy one month and get one free but I still wouldn't sign up. By the time they sent me an offer to try for 2 weeks @ 9.95 I had 15 matches so I decided to try it out.

I have had close to 50 matches in 2 months and have been matched up with women very close to my age. I'm thinking there are more women then men because my matches say they don't get nearly as many matches as I do. I have recommended the site to others but I haven't met anyone who has had the same success.

They even told a friend of mine he is not the type of person they can match up. I've heard they will not even try to match up atheists or homsexuals. I think my friend is an atheist and we tried to make a new profile going through that whole interview process again for him, this time letting his friends answer the questions the way we thought he would answer and they still rejected him again.

I'm very happy with the woman I have been dating and have asked eHarmony to stop charging my card. When compared to other sites this one is definately different and not for everyone but I'm still going to recommend it to my conservative or christian single friends.

Well, I just re-joined eHarmony today for a last attempt. I'm a single working mother and don't get out much. I really object to the meat-market quality of a lot of the sites, and eHarmony isn't that, but the previous time, I never got to the "real-time" contact stage with anybody. Either they put me on hold for some unknown reason, or they didn't respond and I eventually closed them out.

Also, they make all this noise about "trusting the process", but they tended to match me up with people who tended to be too old, you know, guys who want to "sail off into the sunset," old retired guys who hang around on boats all day, in other words, and as I said, I'm a working mom with kids at home. Not what I'd call a match made in heaven.

Also, a heavy obsession with physical fitness is a big turnoff, but they were matching me up with body-builder types, not the creative, intelligent types I like, so what is up with their "scientific matching process" anyway?

We'll see ... I've got a week to cancel anyway.

Anima in Orlando

I used internet matchmaking services until I met my now wife (will be married 2 years in Aug). I am 52; she will be 50 soon (yes, I did snag a young, good-looking woman).

After I was single a while I wanted to be in a relationship, but was astonished to find in my late 40's that there is NO way to discover who is "available." The last time I dated prior to that I was in my 20's, and at that time, it seemed EVERYONE was available, so it really wasn't a problem flirting with someone without meaning anything special by it, but if things began to click ... Well, this method of interacting with the possibility of romance just isn't available to someone in his 40's. I am the boss at work, so there is no appropriate way for me to socialize there. I am a member of a large congregation, but I could never figure out who really was single (many women particiapate without their husbands), and the last thing I wanted was to be inappropriate there.

So internet dating services seemed a godsend. At that time, there was one that offered a multiple choice questionaire that could be used for "computer matching" and many essay questions that allowed participants to express and reveal themselves. After the computer match delivered a sample (I could determine the criteria, including age, to put me in the ballpark of people who might be appropriate), I would read the essay responses of the people in my sample. A woman with little to say for herself gave me no reason to investigate further.

I ended up going on a lot of first dates. I justified it as parter-finding as a numbers game. All too often, I would make contact, have a nice time with someone on the phone, only to meet them and find that we had little reason to be in the same room.

Part of the problem is that I live in a small college town near a large city, and most of the people on the site lived in the city. So I drove the 45 minutes into the city to meet people.

I was constantly torn between my head, which told me to be much more selective in choosing who to meet, and my heart, eager to meet someone. I came to realize that the internet match making was really only busy work that held out the hope of being a way of meeting someone. Things did not go better for me until I stopped using the internet. Using the internet was like looking for something that is lost out in the bright sunlight, because there is more to see, when what you are looking for is waiting in a dark corner. The internet gave me a lot to look at, but none of it was what I was looking for.

I met my now wife after thinking long and hard about what it was I was really looking for. I answered her personal ad in the local (college town) daily newspaper. She told me tonight that I am the love of her life. She certainly is mine.

In my case, I answered all of the preliminary questions for the eHarmony personality profile; I was honest, thoughtful, thorough, and precise with my responses. The result was a "form-letter" stating that I happened to fit in a 2% minority of people that eHarmony just can't match...comforting, to think that out of millions of subscribers I'm just too chronically unique?...Now, I know that I'm introverted and a little shy, but it's not like I gave responses that would have indicated anti-social behavior or emotional instability, etc. Do I really belong in a "non-matchable" group with psychopaths and serial killers?...gee whiz!...Maybe I should start a dating service just for the people that the others turn away!

I am joining the "non-matchable" group of intellectual blondes that intimidate - maybe a bottle of black onyx dye would help.

Another unhappy customer:
I joined Eharmony because I mistakenly thought that this was a CHRISTIAN based dating service where singles could go to meet other CHRISTIAN
singles. I guess the biggest problem is how can alot of these people call themselves Christians and then be such total hypocrites? ie: Lie about their age, string people and judge others on how they look (ie: not 38/24/36.) I even heard about a lady who have corresponded with a gentleman for 9 months and when they met he told her he was no longer interested because she had short hair! From what I have seen so far most of the men are looking for super models. I have had well over 100 matches. I have has the same luck as the gal
who mentioned she was getting matched up with body builder hard body types or they said in their "Must Haves" I must have someone considered very attractive according to todays standards". Why is this even in here? Looks have NOTHING to do with what a wonderful human being someone might be. Why does Eharmony send us matches that are suppose to be "highly compatible" when they are not?
What makes me the maddest are these guys looking for super models, most of them are bald, over weight & over 60 themselves. How dare they? Why does Eharmony match someone up with these jerks? What's Christian about that? It says in the Bible that we are not to judge our neighbors. I had one jerk tell me that all it takes to be a good Christian is to believe in God?! I'd like to know which church taught him that! I can also sympathize with the gal who said she was strung along until someone better came along. That also happened to me. I also feel for the gentleman who was rejected because of his disibility. CHRISTIANS?? I don't think so. I think Eharmony needs to start screening their applicants ALOT better or do a BETTER job of matching people up! Disgusted in Texas

There's a basic problem with both Eharmony and Match.com -- and that is . . . you can't distinguish between members and non-members. On Match.com, you can spend hours putting thoughts into your emails and sending them 'into the wind'. Unless the receiver is a member they can't respond, and you'll never know ...

I believe the actual member list for Match.com and Eharmony is much lower than advertised. Most folks are just there to look (and fill out the profiles).

I've never joined an internet dating service and after reviewing all these remarks, I'm sure I never will. My saddest thought is for a friend who has joined eharmony and met someone on the other side of the country and they're talking of marriage. Now there are many problems with scheduling and meeting families, so I'm really wondering if this "match" is going to work at all. He doesn't seem to want to travel to meet her family, she's already met his............

When I first decided to do online dating, I knew about Match but was intrigued by eHarmony, based on their commercials. So I went to their site, and some of the language on the 'Testimonials' page - where folks who've married through eHarmony tell their stories - seemed odd. People were saying a lot of stuff about finding someone who "shared their values" or that they felt "joyful" when meeting Mr/Miss Right. I googled eHarmony to get some feedback about the site and - WHOA!! 90% of the links were through Christian single sites. As noted, they will not match gays or atheists. If they called themselves "Single & Evangelical" I wouldn't mind, but I'm really surprised some unsuspecting $99 subscriber (atheist, Jewish, or just, you know, a registered Democrat) hasn't sued their ass or at least gotten the Better Business Bureau involved on the obvious fraud /false advertising issue. Not to mention that posters like Debbie hereabove wouldn't be disappointed with getting matched with supposed "Christians" who turn out to be not that at all. Debbie deserves Christian matches and the rest of us deserve, well, whatever - and right now eHarmony is defrauding both groups.

As an aside: Speaking of eHarmony duping people, I also found negative comments from women who tried eHarmony and noted some interesting parameters (unlike Match and other sites): 1) You are only matched with men who are older than you, 2) You are only matched with men who are taller then you, 3) You are only matched with men who earn more than you, and 4) You are only matched with men who are the same race as you. For example, on Match you can pick any of a gazillion races and ethnic groups to date - on eHarmony, YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED to open your matching to people of other races. Again, surprising 'rules' for an online dating site to have, if you didn't know its extremely conservative background.

Shotrock, most of that is completely untrue. I'm a guy that would routinely get matches with women older than me. Plus, I put whatever the equivalent of "spiritual but not religious" is and got plenty of matches. I never got in contact with any of them through eharmony, so it was kind of a dud. And it's definitely not as liberal-feeling a site as, say, spring street networks (like salon.com). But it didn't seem like some sort of religious conspiracy either.

maybe we sould start a online dating service from this thread. HA! I am trying e-harmony - I hope it is not a scam.

WELL! I was contemplating joining eharmony but after reading these posts I have more questions than answers now! Maybe we should post our emails here, (mine is, trmorrow at juno dot com) & start emailing each other!
I'm 44, stable, glass half-full kinda guy, & looking! I have alot to offer my potential soul mate...write for more details!
Tim

I have read a lot of the comments and have found them very interesting. I have yet to find a match with eharmony and yet I do appreciate that they do try to match you up according to personality. I know some of the comments are upset that eharmony is conservative but for those of us who chose to live our lives that way it is nice to find a site that matches accordingly because we have had a hard time meeting people on more liberal sites.To me eharmony or any other site is no different then trying to meet people in person. The effort and the energy it takes when a match doesn't work out is just as draining and disappointing. I think you have to keep that in mind if you really want to use a internet dating site.

Sounds like a lot of us are just fed up with eHarmony. I joined up in 12/2002 and to date, have had just about 400 matches. NOT ONE of these "highly compatible" men have turned out to be compatible. For the men that have been sent to me, they need to feel that "instant click" and they need to feel deeply in love with and attracted to their potential partner. In other words, they are looking for a clone of Tyra Banks or Cindy Crawford. And yet I keep hearing interviews on the local CHRISTIAN radio station about how wonderful eHarmony is and how the matches interviewed on the program rave about eHarmony's success. Go figure.

I am one dissatisfied customer.

Am glad I reviewed all of your comments before spending time and money with E-Harmony. I would much rather meet someone who is uninhibited and honest about that with themselves and others and E-Harmony sounds like it may be too restrictive. Anyway, thanks to all for the information, it is much appreciated!

Eharmony may not be a scam in the strict sense, but it is deceptive. The problem with internet dating is that it is inherently sexual. There's no "getting to know someone" as in an office/school romance. No personality exchanges that lead to an attraction that's beyond the physical. Based soley on a profile (anywhere - match.com or eharmony) you either want to hook up with someone or you don't. Personally, I don't find extremely overweight women sexually attractive. That's not a knock on them as a person, it's just my preference. Eharmony does not require a photo, nor a description of body type, so if appearance is in ANY way important to you, GOOD LUCK!

Therefore, eharmony's endeavour is essentially a waste of your time. I'm sure random statistics work out for them and they get some "hits" wherein the participants are actually happy.

I'm one of the one's that were taken, but damned if I'll renew.

Phil

Thank you all. I just happened to find your comments - most enlightening, and very timely. I was just about to plunk down some precious coin of the realm when I stumbled upon some ringing indictments of Eharmony. I think I'll pass. Maybe shave my head, put on a saffron robe and join a convent in Tibet. Until then, thank God I have my pets. I'm Jewish and I've heard some positive things about JDate. Does anyone out there have any input re JDate? I really don't want to limit my search to Jewish men only, but with Eharmony I think I'd be rowing with only one oar!

Andrea - one of my friends met her husband on Jdate. He turned out to be a friend of her brother's that she had met ages ago and dismissed as not her type. It wasn't until they talked for awhile on Jdate that she realized he was "the one". Several of her friends had really good matches on Jdate as well....last I heard 2 were living together, 1 was engaged and the other was having fun dating her matches. Good luck!

Calichick - Thanks a lot. I just may give it a try. What do you know about match.com? Are the membership fees for all these match services pretty much the same? Is anything working well for you??

Andrea - Both eharmony (I had a paid subscription) and match (didn't pay) were much ado about nothing. Have had the best luck just hanging out at my local sports bar...don't 'do' the club scene...I'm not the "let's get dressed up and dance our butts off" type.

Have met some really nice guys that could be potential friends first and who knows what later on.

As an added plus, have become really tight with the female bartenders...we've become buddies and hang out occasionally...it's good to have friends of both sexes!

eHarmony update ... I kept my subscription and they matched me up with four people. Two didn't communicate at all, one seemed too heavily influenced by the Godfather movies, and the fourth one, I actually talked on the phone with and went to dinner with. He was a nice person, but just about the most boring individual I can ever remember being around. No offense to him, I like a man who is intellectually lively, but eHarmony had no clue that we were about as mismatched as two people can be!

Anima in Orlando

Like the other poster above I don't like the "closed match" feature that eHarmony has. I joined and didn't receive any matches right away so logged off...it was a busy weekend so I didn't log in for several days and when I did I had 7 matches. Two were already closed (so I had no way to even say "hi" to them) and since I wasn't a paying member yet I couldn't even let the two men that did request communication with me know that I was interested...not a wink or anything. I planned on joining to give it a try. ( I am so fed up with the meat-market nature of all of the other online personals sites) I had a promo code for three months for the price of one so I thought what the heck...but needed to wait until "payday." In the 5 days I had to wait until then...one of the two most compatible matches for me (after reading profiles and determining interests, lifestyle and personality profiles) closed his match because I didn't reply (within 5 days...their guidelines are to allow 2 weeks for a reply, incase someone is on vacation or something.) That match that closed contact lived local to me and the other lived a couple thousand miles away. I was bummed, he sounded perfect for me. There is no way I can contact him at ALL!

One would think that if you receive a new match you could at least send a wink or something and figure that any NEW matches were probably NEW MEMBERS who were checking it out and hadn't paid yet....and give it some time...at least two weeks to reply. I HATE the "closed matches" thing.

Guess it is his loss though...I am an amazing person who could have been the one for him..and we live in the same mid size city.

I have another 11 weeks to see how it goes and if I will continue to be a member at the renewal rate of $29.95 a month.

Be forewarned...if you sign up you cannot go back and reanswer anything in the personality profile...so really think about it the first time. The only thing you can reanswer are the essay type questions...not the personality ones. You CAN change religion, smoking preferences, drinking preferences, height (which is odd, who changes height often) and what your education level is, but other than that and the essay questions you can't change anything...so don't get tired and answer in haste like I did on some of the questions...just to get done and see if I had any matches. (Heck, maybe that is how I got a match that is totally illiterate and can't even write a sentence...because I sped through it.) I am communicating with a really interesting, smart man though...who lives 2,000 miles away nonetheless.

I found my wife through match.com, but it took a long time to get to her. I was at the point of giving up and she emailed me.

I'm on eHarmony and match.com. Both for a month. I have to say that I've found some of the comments here about eHarmony to be unfair. At least in my case. Someone says you're locked down to an ethnic preference, but there are settings that you can change for that. Some people haven't gotten many matches, but clearly some get plenty. As a 40yo male near NYC, I've gotten plenty. The initial set were very good matches also. The first match was a little too distant so we agreed to put each other on unofficial hold for a while. Most matches don't seem to respond and as time goes on, the matches seem weaker... and perhaps that's why they don't respond. :-) Also half the gals are probably a little too young to be a promising match and both sites seem to stretch the distance constraint a little. -- I like the posting of photos on both sites. I don't think it's necessarily hypocritical. It gives you a clue about visual chemistry and saves having an uncomfortable situation later. I do give the matches a benefit of a doubt on the photos. It's not easy to find a good photo some times... especially when you do it yourself. :-) -- I also tend to doubt the claim that eH tends to only serve conservative people. I consider myself to be slightly liberal and I have been matched with gals that I'm pretty sure are more liberal than me. In fact I've been matched with more of those than one's that I think could possibly be more conservative.

I'm glad I stumbled across this website and all of the input that is here from yourselves and other singles. I have an unusual situation that is getting worse everyday and I truly wonder how I can hold onto my sanity. I am a Christian who has listened to the advertisements about e-harmony.com on Christian Radio and wonder if this is what I am going to have to end up with when my better half passes on to cancer. I feel that I am too old (55) to start life all over again (although my wife has tried to prepare both myself and my teenage daughter for the inevitable). She stated to me several weeks ago, that a "man needs a woman," but, a "woman doesn't need a man." I asked her what does she mean by that since we have been happily married for 20-years (we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day in San Francisco). She stated that I should find a young lady to take care of me and yet be a good mother for our daughter. I don't want to think of that, if she should ever pass on. I don't drink or smoke either (although I use to drink a lot when I was single). Eighteen (18) months ago, my wonderful wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had a tumor the size of a volleball removed and had a complete hysterectomy and she's 6-years younger than I. There is no evidence of cancer ever having been in her family. She's Korean and it's unheard of for Koreans to die of cancer (with the exception of stomach cancer due to the hot spicy food that they eat). After going thru exhaustive chemotherapy on two different occasions and then having been turned down 3-times for surgery that she so valiantly needs, I truly wonder if there is "life at the end of the tunnel." Just thought I would give my two cents worth and I'm sorry if I bothered all of you. I have just started seeing a counselor to try and relieve the stress that I am going thru. I hope that all of you find that special person to share your life with.

I've been on match since 10/03 and have sent out a ton of emails with no response. But I've gotten more responses by putting a lot of effort into my profile, being truthful in every way. Try to set yourself apart in your profiles, mention nothing about "long walks on the beach, I'm active, I like to have fun, I'm a single male, Oh boy, this is difficult. Easy going guy, Looking to settle down, etc"---BORING!!!!

But tell the woman what you'd like to do on a first date, like going wine tasting, art festivals, etc. something fun. The guy has to initiate the email, but women seem to respond well by me being witty and charming in the email. I state that I like to go sailing, which I go out a lot during april-sept, and that maybe I'd take her sometime. I then state that we should go to coffee to qualify each other. no long, drawn out exchanges, but go in for the kill immediately.

I've had 2 friends that finally met their S.O. online, but they had many 1st dates and very, very few 2nd dates. This stuff has a 'blind date/lottery' element to it---backing up the "numbers game" notion. I'm sure both parties are nice, but they just don't click.

Meeting someone thru church, school, civic groups and friends is easier, as you get an immediate sense of who they are in person. Everyone seems nice "on paper" ala match, but meeting in person is where the rubber hits the road.

Jim,
Sounded pretty good till I got to the "go in for the kill" part. Other than that it all made pretty good sense to me, having been there done that a few times. This website has been influential in my choosing to not join e-harmony in favor of match.com and Jdate. Too new at it to critique at this point, but I can report back later if anyone's interested. Hearing everyone's comments re experiences with these services is fun and informative. Keep up the good reporting, guys!

i was told not to go to these online dating.com things but reading these comments made me think twice about spending my money. im told if you meet someone, it would be unexpected and the last place you would look.i think i'll that way-bobby

hey, thanks for real life info! What about the site Adultfriendfinder.com? Again hi to everyone that visits this.

My experience has been that those who call themselves Christians don't know what it really means! Who knows whos this Dr is who has the website Eharmony? What are his credentials, and what does he do to match anyone? Even churches are meatmarkets. I have gone to a big church and I am approached by countless men who attend church just to meet women. The first thing they look at is my chest and my legs! I am looking for substance, intelligence, kindness and strength, looks are okay, but the soul is where it is at!

By the way, any of you in Austin, Texas? I am looking for someone to have fun with, chat with, go out to dinner with, picnic, fish, and even cook an occasional dinner for. I am seeking a male who is around 50, in good health and is able to do be spontaneous! I am 5'4", 120 lbs, green eyes, auburn hair, write, read, play guitar and have a great sense of humor. I also know what the word "LOVE" means in the greek: 'to be in harmony and in agreement with something or someone'. In other words, let people be who they are and either accept them they way they are, or move on! Substitute that definition where ever you find the word love in the bible and you will revolutionize your life for the better.
Good luck all, and why don't we use this site to find each other? Nice idea and it is free, doncha think?

I forgot, go to my www.daveylee.com/berdie/ and see my profile and pix. If you are an Austin man interested in talking, meeting, etc., my email is berdie@ev1.net, we can be friends who don't bs each other.

I can see it now...www.musematch.com

Stranger things have happened :-)

I'm a male in my late 20s living in LA. I've been trying eharmony for about a month. So far, the "scientific matching" doesn't seem to be a big improvement over less scientific methods. Some matches aren't really my type, some are decent (but not stellar), and many others just don't stand out in their profiles. How many times must I read that someone is "passionate about living life to the fullest" or "enjoys a quiet night in as much as a night on the town"? I wish women could be a little more descriptive and original (I'm sure the same is true for men).

So far, I've had a few correspondences going, but nothing that's led to a date yet. Usually, we have a few back and forths, then the woman just stops communicating with me, which is a behavior that, even though it seems to be standard conduct in online dating, I still find a little rude. Couldn't she at least say, "thanks, but I don't think you're my type"? If you want to try online dating, be prepared for a lot of flakiness.

One of my friends just signed up for eharmony, and is trying an approach different from mine, where he just writes to everyone that's not a blatant "no", regardless of whether they seem interesting or not. His point of view is that the "writing" phase is useless and that you just have to get to the "dating" one. I don't entirely agree -- I signed up for this in order to go through less of that, but maybe I'm being *too* selective -- we'll have to see how his approach works out.

I do find eharmony a little fishy in the sense that it doesn't give you many matches right away, then throws out a bunch of them once you sign up for the service. What is it doing to "find" matches? Did these women join the service after me, or did the eharmony computer just not let me know about them right off the bat? I actually hadn't heard about the site being heavily marketed to Christians, and that raises my eyebrows a little. I'm more of an agnostic, and signed up just because of all the ads I'd been seeing. If there's any religion involved in the "science", that would definitely bother me.

Wow, After reading all the comments on E-Harmony, I will not be giving them the $99. What a joke. It sounds like a highly manipulated process designed to keep charging your card as long as possible. I've had some success on Match and a little on Lavalife so I intend to stick with them. Its a numbers game. I'm a 39 yr old guy and finding a good mate is not easy but I'm not giving up anytime soon.

Wow, talk about depressing! Does anyone actually meet their match on eharmony or match.com? I've tried both websites myself, with mixed results.

The first time, I signed up for match.com. That was back before they wanted to differentiate themselves from all of the other "me-too" match sites by adding all of those personality tests that you can't get enough of now. Got a lot of "looks," but if there was any communication, as a male, I had to be the one to initiate it. I contacted between 20 and 30 women, and received just 1 response. I contacted her again, but never received a reply. I don't know if these women had allowed their memberships to expire, or simply couldn't place me in their frame of perfection. Whatever the case, I shortly lost my interest in matching-up with someone through match.com.

I tried eHarmony next after hearing a couple of Dr. Warren's radio ads. I was surprised when I actually received a steady stream of profiles over a 2 month period, and further surprised when many of the women initiated communication with me. One of them remained a steady "pen pal" for 2 months in the open communication phase, before we mutually decided that things weren't going to go much further. We did seem to have some things in common, though. But that was generally more of an exception than the rule. Most of my matches through eHarmony were almost nothing of the sort, both in terms of personality and interests.

Right before I decided to pull the plug on my membership, I received two matches from my hometown of Akron, Ohio. However, I was immediately "put on hold" by both. I had thought that being from the same city might have at least worked as a conversations starter, but alas, it seems not. Somewhat annoyed, disappointed and out of free membership time, I figured it was time to face the "beg notices," and so I decided to call it quits on eHarmony.

Call me impatient, but somehow, I was actually expecting near-instant matches with at least a handful of women, if I was to believe the advertising. Obviously, I'm only looking for one woman, but if she was on either of those websites, they probably kept her from me in the hopes that I'd hang around as a cash cow/subscriber. In any case, I'm not terribly optimistic about finding a match on either website. But just for fun, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to put my profile back out on both websites as a non subscriber, and see if maybe I'm lucky enough to get a response from time to time. You never know. I've already had 100 "looks" and 1 "wink" on match, and one match on eHarmony. Oh, wait. She put me on hold. Okay, so what else is new?

In summary, I think the entire online matching game is just that. Yes, I said it -- It's all a game. It's really not much different than the real world, whether it's Friday night at the club, Saturday night in a smoke-filled bar, or Sunday morning sitting on the pew in church. No matter where you're looking for someone, your expectations are automatically going to be ridiculously high. It's because most of us possess this absurd ideal of "The Perfect 10" or "Mr. Right" that we carry around in our minds. If we go looking for *that* person, we will never find him or her. It's a lot like the story I heard once, about the man who searched all over the world to find the perfect woman. He eventually found the perfect woman, but was promptly rejected by her? Why? She was looking for the perfect man.

For this reason, I've decided not to take the "game" seriously anymore. I've always had my best fortune with finding dates when I wasn't even looking for them. They found me. And you know something? I was often pleasantly surprised by them, because they didn't necessarily fit my "ideal" vision of the lady I'd like to have in my life. Each one of those women was beautiful in her own way, and it made me seriously reconsider the ideal that I carried around in my mind prior to meeting them. Of course, I'm not suggesting that anyone do what I do. But if you've read to this point, at least you know what my thoughts are for this subject.

I will say, though, that the personality profile eharmony came up with for me seems pretty accurate. Assuming others feel the same way about their assessments, there must be something to the company's research.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to post my profile here, either.

At 6'2, I'm John, from Akron, Ohio. I like to think of myself as that "creative, intelligent type" someone earlier mentioned that she finds attractive. At any given moment, my head is swimming with ideas. If only I could choose one of them and follow it with all of my heart and intensity. But which one? Alas, I am a bit of a dreamer too. And that's a good thing. I dream of all the ways that I'd like to spread good will amongst my fellow man and help to make this world a better place.

When I'm not dreaming, I'm working one of two jobs, and finding time to create a third that will eventually take the place of the first two. The first is full-time, boring corporate drudgery. The second is teaching kids, which I enjoy very much. The third -- my own company -- is in the works.

I'd like to think that my idea of fun is pretty down to earth. I enjoy a good game of bowling or billiards, and I'm not too shabby at chess. I'm no party animal -- I won't even touch alcohol -- but I do like to get out and socialize often. Sometimes, I simply enjoy a nature walk through the park. And from time to time, I do like to take random road trips. (Who doesn't?)

My ideal woman. She should be many things -- All of them honest reflections of her heart and soul. Be yourself. In any friendship or relationship, that's what matters most.

I joined eHarmony a month ago and have received at least 50 matches. Not all of those people I have wanted to meet, maybe a small handful. But I have to warn, and I am prefacing this by saying that both woman and men can be players. On the advice page, eHarmony answers questions, and one person asked if they can weed out the players and eHarmony says this type of person would not be willing to go through the questionnaire process. Not true. One of my matches was very clearly a 'player' type at our first meeting - he made suggestive comments during dinner, flirted with the waitress and I had no doubts what his motives were. During our ititial guided communication, he never completely answered any of my questions about communication, what a strong relationship means, what he's looking for, etc. So I knew what he was about.

I think eHarmony can be good for those who are really serious about using this type of thing to find a compatible partner. It doesn't guarantee that your matches all will be 'the one', and I seriously suggest doing additional screening even after meeting your matches face to face. I've learned the hard way that some people lie about many many things, which is sad.

Joined eharmony around mid-February after having received lots of "matches," of which I chose about 5 to respond to...never got any replies. I'm one of those 65ers. So I can appreciate an older man. But, heck, don't think the feeling is mutual. Oh, yes, I spent a weekend preparing answers for the first three questions I received from someone who wanted to communicate. Another few hours went into my questions directed to him. His reply...Yikes to my first question. Double Yikes to my second. When I asked for an explanation...I never heard from him again. What a jerk! That's the only person who wanted to communicate with me. Next, I get a response from eharmony today to my complaint, stating I might not get more than 3 or so matches over a six month period...if even that many...and that it could take a year even to find my "soul mate." Having received 15-20 matches before I joined and experienced dwindling numbers afterwards, I think somethings fishy. I'm in for the class action suit. I so appreciate all these comments...definitely lowers my expectations from this site. How many others feel the same and have had no voice. By chance I looked for e-harmony +feedback on the web and found you all. Hey, we're all special and that's good. Can you believe I spent $99 for this on a 2 for 1? Sorry I hadn't read up on it beforehand. I'll think twice before I do this again!

Well, after my eharmony date with the dullest man on earth, I got matched up with a guy 5 years younger than myself, who promptly closed the match because I was too old for him, and I am now matched up with one more "silver fox" type ... the kind of guy is who a retired financial advisor or something-or-other, who wears Ralph Lauren polos tucked into his neat belted khaki shorts and Italian loafers without socks. Probably goes in for "pampering-the-woman-who-looks-after-herself,-body-and-soul, long-walks-on-the-beach-type." Sorry ... not MY type ... not interested in being an arm decoration for an aging Romeo.

eHarmony has absolutely no clue! They seem to think that if two people both like to resolve conflicts and then drop them, that makes them soulmates. Man, that's annoying!

Anyway, I don't suppose there's anybody in Florida looking for a fifty-year-old mom of school age children (OK, I'm a late bloomer), creative, intelligent, with a sense of humor? I'm not doing a terribly great job of looking after myself body and soul because I am busy picking dirty socks out of the potholder drawer, and I know it's terribly shocking, but I haven't had painted toenails since I was a child. But I do read, write, work, do digital animation.

Oh, and best advice: don't spend your $99 on eHarmony.

Hello all,

My name is J.P and I have read this entire page about the likes and dislikes about online dating sites. I too, had some bad experienced with match.com and especially e-harmony but I will not get into all the specifics because most, if not all, of them are posted in this thread already.
I would like to take the opportunity though, to inform you guys of my new online dating site available at www.girls4ballers.com. I think my site has everything that match.com and e-hoarmony.com don’t have, which is soul!

We’ve made our registration process simple but effective unlike e-harmony and match.com worthless10 page questionnaires. I believe that it’s not about taking online personality testes or filling out thousands of questionnaires to find that perfect date. It’s really not, I just can’t believe that people would pay $99 per month just for a date. Our philosophy here at girls4ballers.com is to start by finding something in common with that potential match. Based on our independent research, it is proven that every member on or that come to girls4ballers.com will have something in common and can relate to one another needs and wants. What better way to start to find something in common with someone than music, have you ever heard of the saying music brings us closer? G4B offers each member the ability to upload five of their favorite’s songs, whether it be pop, rock or country there will be somebody interested in listening to your soul.

Right now we are offering one months free membership which includes the following features:
Free Live Chat
Free Instant Messaging
Free Photo Profile
Free Five favorite music uploads to add your profile
Free 2-way Matching
Free MailBox
Free Access to the Member area forum
Free Access to create your own photo Album
Free personalize email account. Coming soon..
(Escort services will soon be available for those of you who need a hot date for a special occasion, but don't have the time to find one.

The normal membership fee is $20 per month unlike match and eharmony high rates.

I hope to you see all soon……….good luck!

J.P. Dude. There's a tiny flaw in your marketing plan. No self-respecting woman is going to even link to a site called "girls4ballers", must less expect to find a decent relationship there. It's ... uh ... kind of insulting, you know, sounds like you're trading women like pork bellies or something. You might want to rethink that.

On the other hand, maybe the pork belly thing is where you're headed, don't know. Still, you gotta know that if women want a "hot" date, they generally don't need to get online to do it. I'm just saying.

anima

I came here because of my frustration with eharmony. I have been on for 6 weeks - (I got 3 months for 1 deal) and I hate the site. My profile is not at all accurate although it's hard to tell since the profiles are so generic they could be about anyone. And although I get quite a few matches - none of them are anywhere close to my type! If I was looking for someone wrong for me I couldn't do better then eharmony has.

Either they just match me to everyone my age or their process is broken. One thing you have to keep in mind is they supposidly base it on "personality" and you aren't supposed to care about lifestyle. Guess again - lifestyle is very important. None of these people have my world outlook or my interests. They either love sports (I hate sports) or they're religious fanatics (I'm not religous) or they're just very boring and conservative. Only one guy I wrote to for awhile because at least he was intelligent. However he kept telling me I should "relax more" apparently he was turned off because I actually go out and do things and need some challenge in my life. And he eventually closed me off. Then there was a guy whose deathly allergic to cats and wrote to me even though my profile says I have 3 cats! He said in his 1st letter - I hope you're not one of those maladjusted women who's completely obsessed with your cats. He seemed to expect I'd get rid of my pets for someone I hadn't ever met and had absolutely nothing in common with and if not I'm maladjusted.

The way eharmony is run is like a prison camp. Any complaint you have they tell you how you have to do things their way. It's very very rigid. And they have no interest in what the customers want. None. They have wildy bogus claims about how the matches are perfect for you - and not one has been a person I'd want to spend 5 minutes with. The only reason I haven't left is that my paid time is not yet up.

Don't pay - don't join. If you join a site join one that you can choose for yourself. You know the kind of person that you like and eharmony does not.

Sandra

anima, well i didnt think my site is insulting, at least i never thought of it that way. my market sector is the hip-hop/urban community and between ages 18-30 so if you don't know much about that culture and lifestyle then i would assume that you would say something like you u did.

can you please explain in what way my site is insulting to ladies?
www.girls4ballers.com

-J.P

JP

The name! What does that even mean? Baller?

The only related term I know of is a rude one. I guess your limited target market understands it and that's fine but for the general public it does sound very rude.

I would certainly not go there and in fact I thought your whole posting was a joke.

Sandra

Hi
Eharmony is a BIG WASTE of money ..they offer you a free week. Well 4 days into my free week(had to pay 49.95 to "try" free week) I ask for a refund. They sent me 3 matches which 2 closed me out 1 didnt write back ...so Eharmony would keep me hanging that week so I would NOT be able to get a refund.
I read the instructions for closing an account ..BE CAREFUL if you pay a one month memember ship fee they only have to give you 1 match(49.95 for one match???) you would do better on a street corner with a sign.
HERE is the BIGGEST insulting situation. When I said PLEASE give me a refund (with in the first 7 days) They sent me back this long letter how they are experts in matching etc. AND GET THIS they offered me a FREE travel voucher so that when I meet my soul mate I would have a 100 dollar travel voucher. WHAT does that mean???? I find eharmony insulting.Ha how far will I get with a 100 dollar airline voucher????
EHARMONY is a big fat scam!
good luck to any one that tries it & then decides they want their money back

JP,

Since you requested further clarification: 1) women don't like to be called girls. That's insulting all by itself. 2) It really does sound like a prostitute service. You can't see that? 3) From a strictly business standpoint, search engines often have blocking settings, and you will have to rely on search engines because yours is an internet-based business. But search engines may not even report your result because they may identify your site as a porn site.

Hey, it's a free country. And you're right, I'm too old to be in your target market. But even when I wasn't, and was hot and looking, I wouldn't have even thought about going to a site called girls4ballers. And that's all I'm saying 'bout that.

anima

Anima, I'm with you all the way. Whoever thought of the name Girls4Ballers needed a lifeguard at the gene pool. Class will tell, as my mother used to say. And these guys are lacking it in stunning abundance. Maybe their intro package should include girls getting balled 4 free - but then again, we can do that (if we want to) without joining any dating-matching service!

Andrea

Finally I found a forum to share my eharmony gripes. Although I had over 100 matches during my two 3-mo. memberships with eharmony(2002,2003), clearly it wasn't worth the time and emotional effort. For one thing, only about 1 in 6 of my female matches made a photo viewable at the beginning of a match, while on the other hand I always had my photo available right up front.

I think photos are essential to a matching service and should be mandatory. Who wants to work thru the match process in the dark? I reached the open e-mail communication stage with four of my matches but after a while the correspondence always faded out--how much can you say in e-mails? I would far more value a
30-minute cup of coffee with a prospective mate than a 100 e-mails. That's another problem I had with eharmony--my most interesting matches always seemed to live a thousand or more miles away. If I cut down the matching area to my state the numbers went way down.

Some more hardcore facts eharmony won't tell you...certainly not in those phony radio ads...

- A recent Time magazine article stated that eharmony boasts 3 million members and has had some 2000 marriages resulting from their service. Let's say conservatively that each of those 3 million members gets 10 matches--that's 30 million matches vs. 2000 marriages, making the odds 1 in 1500 of a match leading to marriage (the real bottom line). Great chances, eh?

- As other posters have pointed out, there may be millions of eharmony "members" but how many of those are actually paying members eligible for match communication? I know I had a number of matches who just left me hanging--maybe they couldn't respond because they weren't paying and eligible to participate.

- Would you believe eharmony once sent this email to male members?..."Dear (Male), There's great news for eharmony men: At eharmony, women outnumber men two to one. And you have matches waiting right now."

Ladies, how does that make you feel? Real straight shooters, aren't they?

Take it from a veteran single person...eharmony may seem exciting at first but for the vast majority of users it turns out to be a waste of time, money, and emotional effort.

My eHarmony experience sounds typical. I've gotten over 60 matches in the last month, but only 11 of them gave any sort of response at all. (I think I ended up closing most of the others due to lack of responses, or because the woman didn't answer at least half the questions in the profile--I'd guess about 15% of the profiles were woefully incomplete, usually indicating she isn't a paying customer.)

Only one went all the way to "open communication", and she mysteriously stopped writing after the second letter. Dunno why... no matter, we didn't seem very compatible anyway.

Most of my matches are very similar. 70+% of them are nurses. Very, very weird if you ask me.

I don't buy the income/height/race/whatever theories, as my matches were all over the place in those categories. I'm an atheist, so that doesn't seem to have much to do with it either.

I'm not very impressed so far, although it's been better than places like match.com. I think they need to let people know if the other person is a paying customer--I know I get annoyed at not hearing from matches, and it'd be nice to know why.

Eharmony doesn't want you to know if they are "real" customers or not. They want us to write to them --in order to get them to sign up and pay.

I'm beginning to notice strong similarities in my "matches" also. Most are sports obsessed. Their greatest desire is to get a golf partner. I hate golf! And many of them also fish. (I'm a vegetarian.) I know golf is popular but aren't there men who don't live for golf? I could swear there are.

If only I could get them to send me my "bad" matches I'll bet you anything I'd like them better. It seems like everyone is ending up with matches that are totally wrong for them. I think there is something messed up in their silly test and match program. Maybe they figure opposites attract?

Sandra

Eharmony--Ewasteofmymoney!

My *matches* loved hiking, camping(I hate the outdoors due to allergies) some did not want marriage or children (2 things I listed on my so called profile as MAJOR to me...yet these flakes at eharmony gave them to me as a *match*...of course they do this AFTER the 7 days...so you are stuck with them with a snowballs chance in hell of getting a refund.

Sandra and Amy ...

Same thing here with incompatible matches. All these guys eharmony matches me with love the water (I hate it). They float around on boats a lot. They all like staying physically fit and the outdoors (my idea of roughing it is no room service). BORING! Where are the guys who have INTERESTS? I don't care, building ships in bottles, raising chinchillas, writing poetry, line dancing, anything, ANYTHING! Or could it be that these people aren't as boring as they're made to seem?

anima

Well, I guess I am the dissenter. I joined eHarmony on the 3 months for 1 plan in January. There were many matches that I closed. 2 Reasons mainly: 1) Age...I am 43. I was getting alot of 31-34. 2) Distance.
That said, I did have 2 matches that I communicated with extensively. One, I have communicated with for 6 weeks now. We have emailed, IM'd, and talked on the phone. We have a ton in common from Spritual, to Political, to Career. She come to town today for the weekend and is an absolutely wonderful woman. Sorry you guys have had a bad experience. However for me, at the rate things are going, I may be one of those guys you see on an eHarmony commercial.

Hey! I'm glad I found this site. I'm a 45 year old woman in San Jose, California, and just signed up with eHarmony on March 11.

So far they have sent me 3 "matches": One closed me immediately, even before I knew he existed (his profile states that he is allergic to cats and I have two). Another one closed me after a couple of days without stating a reason (which is OK by me...he sounded a bit too much like the conservative sports-dad type, which isn't my type AT ALL).

The third one, whose profile sounds intelligent and interesting put me on hold after I sent him my "5 questions", stating that he "wasn't sure yet". I hate to be negative, but isn't that a polite way of saying "no, thanks"?

I have not received any more "matches" since the first couple of days after I signed up, even though I increased my geographical range to within 120 miles of San Jose.

What is up? The San Francisco Bay Area is a well-populated region, and you would think that there would be more than three possible matches out there in eHarmony-land. My photo is posted (I'm nice-looking but not gorgeous). I'm steadily employed and a college-educated homeowner with a sense of humor and lots of interests.

I haven't met anyone outside of cyberspace who actually belongs to eHarmony, so I have no one to compare notes with. From what I am reading here, it sounds like the numbers are definitely biased in favor of the men. I've heard men/women ratios varying from 60:40 to 70:30. The age ranges are skewed so that, for example, 50-year-old men are matched with the 32-year-old babes (who mostly would find them to be too old), while the 45-year-old women receive "silver fox" profiles!

Also, I am getting the distinct impression that even though eHarmony admits all religious persuasions, the numbers are also biased in favor of the evangelical Christian population...and if you don't identify as such, you will receive far fewer matches.

I have signed up for three months, and am going to give myself that amount of time to see what happens. I chose eHarmony because it appeared to be a better quality service than, say, Yahoo! Personals or Match.com. However, now I'm not so sure.

Would love to hear any and all eHarmony stories...either posted here or by email!

Mary

I agree: eHarmony is a joke. I just wrote them an email after my membership expired today and I await a reasonable response (though I'm betting it will just be some auto-responder). I think it is ridiculous to charge such a high fee for three reasons:

#1) BOTH parties have to pay to communicate. It should be that to initiate you pay, but once you've started, that's it. One person pays, the rest is free communication, like every other reasonable personals site.

#2) Once you pay to start communicating, you should be able to FINISH the process. They basically locked me out, and when I had a new Stage-4 response today, they sent me to a subscription page and I have to pay again just to read it, not even counting sending a response back.

#3) I have no idea whether or not who I am sending to has subscribed - meaning I don't know who is a waste of my time because they can't respond until they pay. Most of my responses were completely ignored - and since they didn't bother to close me, I'm betting it's not disinterest, but that they simply haven't subscribed. What is the point of paying for a service to contact a dead end?

eHarmony was completely useless and of the two TOTAL responses, I have yet to even get as far as an email address. And, now I'm locked out! At this point, I have a better chance going to a foreign country where I don't speak a word of the language and still finding someone interesting to date!

I once read somewhere don't trust anyone with 3 first names. Anyway Dr. Neil Clarke Warren is behind a total fraud IMHO. Does anyone else think he talks kind of funny? They offered me the $9.95 2 week deal soi I signed up. When I attempted to match then there were no matches. But a day or 2 later the matches started. Most of the women were too far away or too young or too old or too tall. I am 5'7" and someone 5'10" makes no sense with all there superduper scientifically designed question crap they sent me this person. Anyway I chose some women to respond to and I started the process. Soon during the questions phase I was able to put in my own question to I said read the following sentence and I gave my email address in words. A woman emailed me telling me how creative I was but did not want to break the rules as she put it. The rule was in her head as nothing said I could not do this. She emailed me again with kind of a repremand so I terminated the communication with her. The next day I got this email from eharmony where they were checking their system and found my "innapropriate" communication and were cancelling my membership. No big deal. But I do think the whole thing is a big fraud. Sure some people have met and married but that could happen with the worst service. All in all eharmony is one big scam designed to separate lonely people from their money.

Peter

That's really odd. Why should they cancel you for sending your email address? They never say you can't do that. If she doesn't want to use it that's up to her.

I was "matched" with a guy who had his phone no. in his profile! I thought that was pretty stupid of him but still if I don't want to call it I don't have to.

Now the guy who talked about how big his.... appendage.. was in his profile - that was inappropriate. But I didn't report him. I think it's better people seeing right up front what a jerk he is.

Sandra

Men vs Women

After reading here and elsewhere that there are twice as many women as men on eharmony - I sent a long question to them regarding that.

They wrote back that they were glad I asked and that the ratio of men to women was .47 to. 53.

Sandra

Hi Sandra - interesting stat on the ratio of men to women. If the proportion is so close to even, it must be that some members are more "matchable" than others! :) Perhaps Dr. NCW is monitoring this site and sussing out which of us is "obstreperous"!!!!

Big brother is watching you! :))))

eharmony is the worst internet dating site that I have experienced. Anyone interested in pursuing possible legal action against eharmony email me privately at eharmonyisafraud@hotmail.con

holy crap!

i just came on this site looking for free promo coupons so i could send my 'soulmate' some.... friggin ready made questions--WTF?! man i'm glad i got the scoop on eharmony. from what i've ready, you can't even get their email address after dropping your hard cold cash-- even if you want to?! that's riCOCulous.

i DID find it rather bizarre that they didn't ask me for a sexual preference and I also found it particularly strange how faith driven a lot my matches were. eery. i thought i might have just been feelnig particularly 'touched' as i filled out the mind proble last night.

i have always thought of these dating online things as scams. i mean people get into this just like everything else for the money. and here they KNOW that they have a market of people who are looking for that 'soulmate'. and if you think about it, if you could be garaunteed a soulmate, what WOULDN"T you really do to find him/her/it? drop $50...$150... fly across the country?

and then they have answer all these long questionnaires-- just building you up--- getting you more and more invested in the situation. more invested in coughing up the money. (ie, we are not like other organzations that waste your time, we want to make SURE that you are really committed to finding a 'soulmate'. -- Are you really a sucke---ahem despera---erm committed to finding the LOVE YOUR LIFE?!!! yeah?! really? who's with me?! then pay $50-- minimum-- and we'll talk from there)

if this really were a christian driven organization and the founder really thought he was doing something positive for his community shouldn't it be a break-even type of business. i'm always wary of anything or anyone out to make money.

unfortunately this seems a lot more dollar lusty than other organizations that don't have you take that long mind probe. if they really wanted you to meet people and have a good time they should just suggest the people who would be good matches for you based on that personality physical and let you write to whomever wanted-- knowing that, in their opinion, you are wasting your time. hey and if it works it works! and if it doesn't and you meet someone who is marriage material and not from their scientifically suggest list, then you can give them some feedback so they can fix their non-functioning equation.

anyway, i got 4 matches since i signed up last night. they are all out of this state. i like to travel so i don't care... they are all older than me (i'm 22) and one of them is jewish (she mentions a haulocaust surviving grandmother-- great(?)grandmother)... and they are all under 25.

i throw these facts in their to dispel any misnomers about the age/religion descrimination. oh and i'm black in case there was any question racism going on.

hm... i think i'm just going to inconspicuously place my email address out there on my profile and see where that gets me.

tj

ps as a male 18-2--whatever he said his demographic was, i think a baller has a very negative connotation. i associate it with a pimp. but perhaps i'm old fashioned. feel free to let me know at hedunnonuthin@girls4ballers.com

pps if anyone knows any REALLY good (as in free) eharmony offers-- please post.

Hey Damian (post of 3/22),

I love your name!

Andrea

I just did the 'relationship questionnaire' on eharmony after seeing a TV ad where a woman says 'I had given up on ever finding anyone, then joined eharmony.' That sucked me in! I'm so glad I found these comments BEFORE forking over the big bucks, which I probably would have done. I am especially disappointed, but unfortunately not surprised, to find that they have a conservative/Christian bent. Not for me!

As an over-educated agnostic mid-30s woman with an addiction for the outdoors (you'd think it would be easier to meet men given the ratio of men-women hikers & backpackers, but it's not!) I think I'd be a good candidate for a "non-matchable" dating site!

Hi all -
online dating isn't always doing much good... I've been on eharmony for less than a month, and although I have plenty of matches, many that are extremely interesting to me and I'd love to meet up with, they are all hundred and hundreds of miles away from me. I've had only two matches close enough to meet if I wanted to, but neither was my type. So bottom line, not a great help. I do enjoy not having to sift through so many profiles though.

Match's attraction science is useless. I've tested it with male friends who are attracted to me: when they create their profiles, the attraction match up shows that I'm NOT AT ALL their type and vise versa, even though I definitely consider them my type.

By the way, if you worry that your match can't return e-mail because they aren't members - try dropping your e-mail in your letter. Use a yahoo address to protect your identity.

E.

Have you heard about some type of conspiracy on Match.com? Supposedly there are people paid to "wink" at people who have profiles posted, but not paid. They then write to their winks, but never meet... Hmmm...I don't think I am paranoid, just curious.

D.K., yes, absolutely. (Though I'm sure match.com doesn't do it "directly".) I got a number of "winks" in the month before I paid for a one-month subscription... then it mysteriously dropped to zero. Soon as the subscription lapsed it started again. :) Um, like, isn't that just a *bit* obvious?

I'm not paranoid either, just realistic. Anything they can do to encourage people to pay is worth it.

Online dating seems to be a complete ripoff AFAICT. I don't personally know anyone who's had any success with it, though I do know plenty of people who have tried it--and most of the time I hear pretty bad horror stories. I'm just going to let my subscriptions run out and that'll be the end of that, because it hasn't been worth the amount of time, energy and money I've invested in it over the last two years.

mmmmmm....gives one pause....I had a free trial membership from eharmony late last year. I communicated with a few women. I let it go because I wasn't really sure that I wanted to enter into a new relationship at the time. Now that I am seriously looking for a serious relationship I was considering rejoining....and paying. I guess this just illustrates that relationships are hard work no matter what the source. Plus ça change, plus ça memchose! Since this has turned into a communication route...feel free to to write!

What's with that wierd way NCW talks. And those hand motions. Just like a huckster snake oil salesman. And that giggling couple that declares that every night is like a sleep over. What crap.

A friend of mine in NYC was a member of eHarmony and when we traded stories they were similar - and it's frustrating that you'll take the time to send questions back and forth but never hear a word again from them. I just close anyone out who sits there longer than 2 weeks, no point pushing it. We came to the conclusion that our initial "flood" of matches came from their database "warehouse" of people in our area, which is why they dwindled down to nothing after the first month or two. I'm into my second month and probably won't renew. I'm still getting matches, but maybe one or two every other week or so, and have had a total of maybe 60 matches since January, when I completed my profile, but didn't join until the first week of Feb. Funny thing is, I have 3 other girlfriends in my area who are also members of eHarmony, we are all very different in personality - we have ALL been matched with the same 10-15 men in our area. We compared notes!!! So I'm thinking eHarmony's match system isn't so scientific after all - they just send them to everyone in one geographic area. I'm not looking for a hundred men - just one, the RIGHT one!

OK.

Here is what I have learned from Match.com......

My experiences with match.com have been horrible. I first looked at the site a year ago, and here it is a year later, and 75% of the women are there now are the same ones that were there a year ago. To me, that is a very bad sign.

Secondly, the ones I have chatted with seem to want to do just that, chat, for months before meeting, which I personally find overkill. They can meet a guy in a bar and go on a date with him the next week, but if they meet you online, they need to chat for 3 months first.

And if you do meet someone willing to go on an actual date, one of 2 things happens. 1) they back out at the last minute with some bullshit story, or 2) you do go out, only to find out you are one of like 10 guys she is dating from the site that month.

I honestly don't think you can find a decent woman online.

Laura -

That's really interesting that you and your freind were matched to the same men at Eharmony! I've wanted someone to test that. Did you all get the same exact list? Or just some of the same men?

If I were you I'd send the info on those matches to a local newspaper or radio show and have them do an expose - because if that's the case it IS a total fraud!!

I have felt from the start they just sent me all the men from my area - because they have NOTHING in common with me or each other. There is no common thread that explains why they were assigned to me.

Sandra

I just tried Jdate for a month. Sucks. Same complaints as above ad nauseum. Any relationship between whom I was looking for per my profile and the "matches" they "sent" me is purely coincidental. Plus, they didn't activate my membership till 2 weeks after I sent them a check, and that was only because I pressured them to get on the ball. Match.com has been a bit better in terms of administration, but it isn't administration I'm looking for. I, too, am totally turned off by anything sniffing of meat market, otherwise I'd be going to neighborhood bars. What's a woman to do? Any success stories, ladies? I'm 59, easily look 10 years younger, college grad, and cute as a button, with a posted photo. About to give up and join that Buddhist convent in Tibet.
Andrea

Now here's a kick! At the bottom right of this page, there's an ad for eHarmony! Some things defy understanding.

anima

heh... sorry about that ad. I'm the writer of this weblog and this particular entry has been the most popular entry by far, so as my traffic started building and my bandwidth started getting closer to where I might have to pay extra, I thought I'd put a couple of ads up - the google ads seemed like the friendliest and least rude of all the ones I could find. Each time someone clicks on an ad I get a few pennies. Anyway, if you guys like the weblog, feel free to click "main" at the top of the page and see what else I write.

Hello Tunesmith - Thanks so much for providing this weblog, an invaluable avenue for us to vent about these silly technocratic dating services and the silly technocrats who run them. Many of us who might have plunked down precious coin of the realm on these services are instead reading about other people's experiences and saying uh-uh, I don't think I want to waste my money on that. And you, Tunesmith, have been the conduit that allows us to do this. Thank you. Everyone, please read Tunesmith's message and click, click and click again on these Google ads at the bottom right of this page to give him his "few pennies" to keep this weblog going.

I just tried to remove my credit card number from my eharmony account to be *certain* they would not charge me when my time ended and it won't let me! It says I *must* have a card number listed!! Why is that Mr. Christian values dude? I paid already- I am NOT going to sign up for another month -why do you have the right to force me to have a card number there? Boy o boy I hope someone in the media gets on this story and prints a real article about them to warn the public.

Want to know something else hokey about eharmony. They go on and on about how they match you on all these factors but they never say what they are --even when they send you a match. They list 3 "important items" you have in common. Like some typical examples of what they are?

Freinds

Conversation

No kidding. Freinds. Oh we both have Friends? Or do we just want to have freinds? How rare. Conversation? This is a basis for a match???? aren't these things all humans have in common?!

If they HAVE all these detailed things they are matching on why do they refuse at any point in time to tell you what they are!

Sandra

Thanks everybody for your comments, and tunesmith for making this all possible (I clicked on all the ads so you could earn your pennies). After 2 serious relationships that went nowhere eventually, with men I met on dating services (one through a local Jewish newspaper; the other from matchmaker.com), I have been taking an enjoyable "vacation" from dating. The eharmony ads caught my attention because they purported to be "different". I did the free profile and it was pretty accurate, but I kept dragging my heels about forking over any money (not ready to pay so much money to end my "vacation"). Now that I've read all your postings, I can continue to vacation happily and with more $ in my pocket. Thanks! And hi Jeff - I'm in San Diego too.

I was a member of both Match.com and Eharmony. I met a few people on each, but nothing really happened. One was a complete nightmare. Any way I find it very interesting that when my Eharmony membership was about to expire 3-4 days before the next month. A match would come through. We would talk back and forth. Then it would stop. So you have to decide if the match is worth the next month payment. I did a couple of times continue and the match never responded again. this happen 3 months in a row. Anyone else find this happening? I think that it is very interesting.

I too am a member of eHarmony. I have found that this service is no more haphazard than all the blind dates friends and relatives have set me up on.

My friends and relations tended to misrepresent (though not maliciously) our personalities. After all, who could ever hope to live up to the hype they created (especially when you don't know what they said).

For example I consider myself an artistic type but my relatives would always represent me as an insurance broker. Now I used to work for an insurance company but not as a broker and I would not choose to define myself that way. I saw these computer dating services as an opportunity to present myself in a manner I was more comfortable with.

I guess because I had to shell out some of my own cash for the service I decided to change my attitude and approach to dating as a whole.

I am by nature a skeptical cynical person. I found that I needed to fundamentally change this aspect of myself to make this work. I needed to believe that my potential matches were people just like me who are generally decent people living out their lives who wanted to meet people in a slightly more structured way than a bar or even match.com.

I did play the numbers game at first and set my settings to receive the greatest possible matches. It quickly gave me a sense of what was out there and made me define more specifically what I was looking for.

And I don't mean height, weight and interests. For me, I found I wanted someone who had interests that they were willing to talk about. I found that to find this kind of person, I needed to be willing to be this kind of person too.

I guess my point is that you shouldn't expect it to land in your lap. That you have to be willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable to someone who may not "get" you. That said, the best thing eHarmony offers is a way to painlessly get out of a situation you don't want to continue. If they closed you out early, better to find that out now than later on.

So far I've only met one person face to face from eHarmony. She's a terrific person and we're still negotiating our relationship (complicated phrase meaning we have some chemistry and are trying to work out some awkwardness).

Had she been my first match, I doubt we would have gotten this far. I had closed out or was closed out of 54 matches for various reasons before we were matched. By then I was much more willing to give of myself and more open as a person.

If nothing else, eHarmony has helped me understand myself better and through my interactions with my matches helped me to be a better person... the kind of person I really want to be and am capable of being.

eHarmony is by no means a silver bullet. It's just another way of meeting people. Even though you figure that they probably have the same intentions, you'll never know until you contact them.

Personally, one of the more fun things was trying to figure out why eHarmony matched me with a certain person. I was lucky, I had a friend who was also on eHarmony and we'd compare notes about our matches which helped us gain some insight into their matching process.

I truly believe that how much success you have is directly related to how much effort, honest and risk you are willing to put into this endeavor. The upside is that you don't have to hide you face from your friends if it doesn't work out.

Words of warning from an eHarmony.com victim.

Now, to be fair, eHarmony.com seems to have a few good things going for it.

First, it does seem to work for some folks who are actively looking for a spouse. Granted, the percentages for successful marriage matches do seem quite low for the size of the reported membership and the reputed high power of the matching algorithms. However, the fact remains that eHarmony.com does work for some folks.

Second, eHarmony.com has a personality profiler that doesn't seem too bad. At least in my case, it wasn't wildly wrong and by and large it fit me reasonably well. I'm not a psychologist, so you need to take that statement with a grain of salt. Some folks say that with a tiny bit of info (and others say with no info at all) it is possible to write a profile that is general enough and sufficiently positive that anyone who reads it would be able to see themselves in it.

eHarmony.com probably was developed by a psychologist. It was extremely effective at suckering me in! The ads are persuasive and establish a level of comfort with the idea of at least checking eHarmony.com out. Once you've arrived at the site, there is a FREE personality profile! Once you have completed the profile, you get to look at it and also discover that they have already found a match for you (in my case it was in the same town where I live — population 7,000)!!! Nevermind the fact that it had finally become clear that this was a marriage matchmaking site and I was only looking for friends. My ego was fully caught! The rationale was that shucks, not every match can lead to marriage, I might just find a good friend just around the corner! And the final clincher was that if I was unsatisfied I could get a full refund if I terminated my account in 7 days or less.

I put up my money for a month's membership and attempted to contact the match. A few days later, I decided to expand my search beyond the local area to see what I might find. What I finally found was that out of supposedly 3 million people in the eHarmony.com system, there wasn't another match on the entire planet! My excitement had come down to normal levels and helped me to reflect on a number of facts: (1)The improbability of a match in my town (the match never did reply) coupled with a failure to match across the entire planet. (2)The fact that one match was available locally BEFORE I joined and none afterwards. (3)The fact that I was only interested in finding friends. (4)$50/month is awfully expensive if you're not looking for a spouse. CONCLUSION: Now that the excitement was gone, it was obvious that eHarmony.com was not the solution for me. No problem, time to close my account within the 7-day grace period.

Now, to this point I was a tad uncomfortable with the way eHarmony.com came on, but shucks nobody's perfect. After this I started to get angry. First problem: finding the refund page. It can be found, but it is definitely not easy or obvious to find. Second: When you get to the refund page, you click and think you are done. Nope, you get an eMail from Grant Langston, Director of Member Relations: "This refund email requires your action. Below are the details of a Free Travel Voucher Offer. YOU MUST REPLY TO THIS OFFER BY CLICKING ONE OF THESE TWO RESPONSES: YES, I want to accept your free Travel Voucher offer and remain with eHarmony. NO, I want to refuse your Free Travel Voucher offer and continue with my refund..."

So, I click on NO and then think that I'm done with my refund. No such luck. I gave them two months to allow the refund to show up on my credit card and then I go back to the website and find that there is a customer service contact page but NO addresses or phone numbers. The contact page is really cute, too. Its set up so that the message only goes to eHarmony.com customer service, there is no way to send yourself a CC for the record, and if you have more than a few words to say, there is no way that you can print the page to show what you sent in its entirety — let alone the date that you sent it! in order to ensure that I had a record copy, I sent my message to them via their customer service page and a duplicate to the source of the refund email, userservices@eharmony.com.

Now came a passel of eMail traffic from Hell. This extract will give you a flavor for what it was like:

To: usersupport@eharmony.com
Subject: Re: Account - General Inquiry [#1693278]

Dear Mike,

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to use the same online procedure that I used o/a 6-8 February 2004, right? Excuse me, but that is the procedure that got us to this point right here! Please tell me why it is going to work better the second time around!  

Let me make this perfectly clear. I AM TRYING TO GET RESTITUTION BECAUSE YOUR "REFUND SYSTEM" DID NOT WORK THE LAST TIME THAT I TRIED IT! And after reading some of the comments about eHarmony.com on eDateReview and MuseWorld, I'm wondering if your refund system is intentionally obtuse and opaque. After all, on the 7th of February I was honestly under the impression that I had entirely completed your refund process. Now, I'm not a genius, but as a college graduate I don't think I'm anywhere close to being stupid. That's why your "refund" process leaves me wondering if it has been intentionally designed to be difficult to understand and use.

Now, on the 7th of February, thinking, in good faith, that I had successfully closed my eHarmony account, I didn't bother to try to get back into it after "terminating" my membership (and if you have a decent system, you'll be able to refer to your system logs to check that I'm telling the truth). Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are trying to charge me for service that I didn't get!

On the 29th of March you told me that I needed to contact a customer rep at http://wcs00188.egain.net/wcscgi/CDM.exe? SS_COMMAND=CUST_SUP&Category=RETENTION. Well, every time I tried to contact someone, Live Contact was down or wasn't able to connect me with a rep. The most frustrating instance was when Live Chat told me that Jose was connected and I wasted 20-30 minutes trying to get a response from him!

Up until I got to this refund hassle, I was favorably impressed with eHarmony. My problem (as I've already noted on the termination feedback messages you provided me) was that it became obvious that eHarmony was strictly marriage oriented. I've just come off of a divorce and am looking ONLY for friends at this time and $50 is pretty steep for friend referrals who are actually looking for romance! If you don't leave me with too bad a taste in my mouth, I have hopes of coming back when I AM looking for a potential spouse. 

Unfortunately, at this point, you are making me wonder if you are: (1) so busy that you can't provide decent customer support or (2) if you're running a scam that deserves to be brought to the attention of my State Attorney General, www.blacklist.com, www.consumeraffairs.com, www.ftc.gov, www.bbb.org, www.fcc.gov, eDateReview, and MuseWorld.

I hope to hear from you later today regarding the status of my full refund. Thank you for your time and consideration.
*********************************

Now obviously, the intent of all the email messages from “Customer Care” was not intended to help a customer who has had an honest misunderstanding of how the refund system works. It is designed to get the customer to go to the computer system and close their account so that eHarmony.com can wash their hands of the irksome customer. By the way, after the month is over and they have “justification” for keeping your money, the refund page is still hard to find but the refund process is really simple and straightforward!

I didn’t have a chance to find out how convoluted their “refund” system might be in the instance of a customer past their 7-day grace period but still within their subscription period. Thank God!

In closing, just by the length of this message, I’m sure you can tell that I’m still pretty angry and feeling pretty used even after about a week of cooling off! My opinion of eHarmony.com, for what it is worth, is that eHarmony.com is running a cold-blooded scam. The successful connections that do result are simply due to the laws of chance — no different than meeting potential spouses in a bar or church or supermarket.

If you want to give eHarmony.com a try after reading this, all I can say is good luck!

tunesmith here again -

it's funny watching you all talk (since I own the weblog I get every comment in my email inbox) because you're all a lot more real that we all feel comfortable being in our profiles. makes me wonder what sort of matchmaking service we'd all really like.

heh... maybe it should just be that the entire service is free, but that if you get married through it, you owe the service TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. :-)

it's really a catch-22 though. people are more comfortable being real if there's no perceived cost of rejection. On a miscellaneous bulletin board, there's no expectation of meeting someone in real life, so, you know, let 'er rip. But I bet if a discussion board like this set up the ability to register location, preferences, and rate each other's comments by how attractive they seemed, everyone would start acting a lot more homogenous.

I'm really fascinated to see all the stories about eharmony. Note that there have been barely any complaints about match.com or the others, comparatively. If there really are backend shenanigans going on like non-existent matches (which could simply be a software bug, actually), I wonder if it's possible to confirm/prove it.

All of you who have had lousy experiences with Eharmony.com: What did you do about it? I just put in a complaint with the better business bureau. They're a member!!! www.bbb.org I complained they had false and misleading advertising. If enough of us complain, their reputation will sink into the toilet where all good turds belong.

Claire

Tunesmith - I'm raising my hand in response to your comment about us not saying negative things in regard to the other matchmaking services. In my experience with both JDate and Match.com I am finding that they both leave just about everything to be desired in terms of matching you up with the kind of people you are interested in meeting. DO ANY OF THE POWERS THAT BE AT THESE ORGANIZATIONS ACTUALLY TAKE THE TIME TO READ WHAT YOU WE LABORIOUSLY AND THOUGHTFULLY TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE? I don't know about you, Tunesmith, but my profile was a very honest and straightforward expression of who I am and the kind of man I am interested in having in my life; otherwise it would be a waste of everyone's time and money. I'd be willing to bet, though, that if I lied about my age or were allowed to leave it blank, I would be receiving some real interest from the opposite sex because I have a great profile and my photo (I believe) shows that I'm fairly easy on the eye. So do I blame the services or do I blame men who, no matter what their age, are looking for women far younger than I? Or maybe the meatmarket society we live in. Anyway, I've become disillusioned with the whole PROCESS, and my pets are looking more companionable all the time.

Tunesmith: There's probably mostly eHarmony discussion here because you're the #1 link on Google for "eharmony sucks". I just signed up for eHarmony (3mo@49.95) a week ago and I've gotten 4 local matches so far, but none have responded to my canned questions. I'm glad I found this site because now I know I'm not alone.

I can't believe eHarmony matches must also subscribe just to respond to me! If I wanted a girl to notice me and I bought her a drink or a present, she wouldn't have to buy one for me too. Why isn't eHarmony the same way? For a more expensive service than Match.com, it doesn't seem like they're providing more value for paying customers.

Even in our "advanced" society women continue to be commodities. Older women are not desirable from the point of view of male fantasy. And the whole system continues because women are willing to go out with me twice their age.

E-Harmony caters to the male fantasy. Although in bars, 22 year-old men try to pick me up, e-harmony would match me with men as old as 57! Not only that, but I can't be matched with younger men because the system does not allow a user to expand the age range in both directions. In other words, for a man to accept an older match, e-harmony would force him to eliminate all the younger ones. Like that would ever happen!!!

What bothers me is the hypocrisy. The following advice comes from the e-harmony website, where the founder is counselling a woman not to be so picky:

"...the narrow age range you require makes it much harder to find someone who is well-suited for you. If I personally introduced you to a 50-year-old gentleman who was attractive and well-suited for you, would you really refuse him just on the basis of his age? I can't believe that you would. The fact is, how a person ages is a function of how he or she lives."

Why doesn't this apply for men as well?

E-harmony is a total hoax. First, they claim they select "compatible" matches, but they don't say on what grounds they measure compatibility. For example, suppose you show up as introverted. Does that mean you are matched with other introverts? Or with extroverts?
Secondly, they put you through a lengthy phase in which you state the traits you "must have" in a mate and those that you "can't stand." The "can't stands" are an exercise in futility. How does this screen anybody? For example, suppose a man states he can't stand a woman who lies and cheats. How many women will say "oops, he doesn't like liars and cheaters; I guess I will withdraw."

Whew...about to sign up for the hefty price of $50 for 1 month on eharmony...I was sifting through sites looking for a promo code to use for a better deal! WOW! I did I up on a deal here when I began reading what I was merely feeling about the guys I've been matched with so far. They don't say much about what I am looking for, and yet I am supposed to dish out $$ to meet them? I have used match.com~I've experienced more negative than positive there, but I don't usually PAY for internet dating, as I let the guys do that and contact me! Call me cheap or old fashioned, but I am worth the small price they pay to meet me! :) Happy Hunting, what do ya'll say we build our own dating site-what a racket! ~Cr8zy

Others have mentioned creating our own dating site here as well. Tunesmith, any ideas? What a hoot that would be! I don't know the logistics of doing this, but it sounds like an interesting and interested group of people on this site. So how about it?

Well, looks like people are getting along pretty well, and some of us have chosen to share our email addresses... so all that's left is for everyone to pay me fifty bucks! Woo-hoo! Yay me!

Let's see. I *am* a web programmer. If I were to start a dating service, what would it look like? I think that the whole thing about focusing on profiles is stupid because they are too controlled. Interaction is better. So what you do is you start a big discussion community where everyone can start any topic they want. People sign up anonymously - no personally identifiable information - but age, gender, and location are required, with other criteria optional. Then as everyone participates in discussions, if you like what someone says, you can start talking privately or something. Maybe that's where the money would come in. Public discussions for free, private messages for like five bucks a connection? Second, it could be like meetup.com in that the service could sponsor face-to-face meetings, for five bucks a head.

Well, that's my idea for a community, but it would take a whole lot of work. The problem with match sites is scaling - none of them make any sense at all until they have millions of members, which makes it very hard to start one up because no one will be interested when it's small.

Any other ideas of what would make a good match site? If not, then if any of you get married, maybe you could buy me something off my wishlist. ;-)

But the scaling problem goes both ways: if you've got millions of members you can't find anyone you're seriously interested in amongst the noise.

Any sort of worthwhile dating service can't really work the way the online ones currently do. There needs to be an actual human screening and interviewing applicants, doing background checks, and... dare I say it... actually doing matches. Yeah, it'd cost money. It would also actually work.

Despite all the complaints above about how people are discriminated against, they cost too much, blah blah blah... the real problem with online dating is quite simple: how the heck do you *find* anyone on a dating site? On match.com there must be well over 5,000 women in the 30-50 age group within a 50-mile radius from my home. The criteria used for "matching" border on insane, and from the results I've gotten less than useless. Women are typically bombarded with inappropriate emails and guys have to jump through enormous hoops to get any sort of responses at all--and then it turns out that the personal ad had nothing to do with the actual person.

Discussion groups won't do it either, as otherwise Usenet would've been the world's greatest dating site. :) It takes something more than that, and that's where someone actually doing matches steps in.

I don't have any other useful suggestions. I totally agree that the current online dating sites encourage discrimination based on looks and age, but that's simply because that's the only way they give to search for potential mates--unless you want to browse through a bazillion individual ads. Personality quizzes and such won't help either, and are too easily faked anyway.

A final point: many of the women who have posted to this forum sound like they'd be interesting to date at least once... but there's no way I'd ever hope to find them on the typical online dating site.

And before someone else points it out--yes, what I described sounds very much like a personal matchmaker. I've worked with a couple of them. The few dates I went out on were quite good; the difficulty was finding compatible women in a reasonable age group for me, as people "my age" in the area are using... online dating. And the cost is a major factor, as people value their time far less than their money.

Well, I am certainly no fan of eHarmony (see above postings), but eHarmony actually DID match me with a man 5 years younger than I am. He actually sounded interesting, too. Unfortunately, he closed the match before we could correspond because "the difference in our ages is too great."

However, I really do think that one of the big problems I have with eHarmony (or any dating service, for that matter) has to do with the fact that I'm 50 and I have school-age children at home. I've written eHarmony before and explained to them that this is an issue they need to aggressively screen for in the matching process, but received no reply. I still don't think they consider this in the matching process, although everybody knows kids can be a definite "deal-breaker."

The other issue I asked them to consider in the initial matching process had to do with weight issues. I am by no means svelte, and there's no way to deal with that upfront except to close matches where the guys say cute things like, "A few extra pounds are OK, but let's face it, if you're more than 20 pounds overweight, that's not a few." Or, in the case of one recent match, "You should be between 5'2" and 5'6" in height, between 110 and 125 lbs." or some such nonsense. It went on; he was ordering a Botox queen from the Penneys catalog, I think.

So eHarmony's exhortation that you communicate with every match is a waste of time for me, more often than not. It's not that I'm too picky, as their recent spam mailing would have it; quite the contrary. I'm willing to get to know men for themselves and see what happens, but I'm not willing to get to know someone who doesn't want to know me. And I definitely don't want to waste my time with a guy who is looking for Geriatric Barbie.

You know, I do think a profile-based matching site could work, but it would have to include a lot more information in it and be more open than eHarmony. Their "we can't tell you or we'd have to kill you" secrecy about how the site works and how they match people up makes everybody naturally suspicious. And yeah, tunesmith, we'd all have to be honest about ourselves.

Anyway, thank y'all for listening. Good luck on your quests!

I think the bottom line is that some things are just done better the old fashioned way... some things are just too personal and too dynamic for technology to approximate. Chemistry, attraction and the "vibe" you get around someone just can't be captured by yes and no questions, analyzed by a database.

Anima

The grass is always greener! I'm 50 and have no kids and I get the impression that is deal breaker! Every man I've corresponded with has kids (grown or not) and their kids are the center of their life and their past experience. They write on and on about their kids this, their kids that -and I write back about my own interests which I've had a lifetime to develop. You'd think that would make me....intersting but they usually stop writing at that point. I think they feel we have nothing in common --which is pretty much true.

Lots of men love to be part of a family - don't think yours are a barrier -I've found no advantage in not having any. My freinds with kids have always met more men and dated more then I ever have.

-S

More about the eHarmony compatibility.

I had read somewhere that one of Dr. Warren's aphorisms is "Opposites attract and then they attack." Meaning that I suspect that the 29 dimensions compatibility actually match people who share the same answers on that 200+ question personality profile (not the "must have/can't stand" lists).

I mentioned this to a friend who said she would never date someone who matches her that closely. Not to say we're prejudiced or racists or anything like that but we do bring a lot of preconceived notions with us in these arranged dating scenarios as opposed to meeting someone by chance. Prejudices that include what we ourselves think is our ideal mate. I'm sure a lot of guys are convinced a young supermodel would be the perfect mate but the reality...

It is unfortunate that some people have had bad experiences with their matches but I hold to the idea that any service is only as good as its subscriber base. If a guy is solely going to judge you based on based on your age and appearance, would he be someone you'd spend time to get to know anyway?

I'm guessing the hurt felt from having your match closed out is far less than what you would have felt had you met him in a bar, had a fling, got worked up emotionally and then found he would only get serious with a younger woman.

My eHarmony match and I have had 4 dates and we've gotten to know each other fairly well. On the surface, there are obvious differences. She's an immigrant, I was born in this country. I love live theater, she's never seen a live play in her life. We have different tastes in books and movies.

However we did discover more compatiability when it came to more larger issues. We both have a strong sense of family. We both have aging parents that we feel a responsibility towards taking care of. We've both made similar career, education and lifestyle decisions (where to live what kind of place to live in).

The kicker for me is that I discovered her relationship with her best friend mirrors the relationship I have with my best friend.

It would have been very easy to dismiss her early on based on the obvious differences in our profiles. However, once we spent some time with each other and opened up about our personal lives it was pretty clear we were more alike than different. Is that a good thing for a relationship? Who knows?

I'm actually much more excited about this match than my dry prose would indicate. We enjoy each other's company a great deal. Discovering our similarities and learning from our differences has been a joy.

For those of you who have scant few matches on eHarmony I won't say "hang in there and be patient." eHarmony may not be the right service for you and if you decide it's not, you have every right to cut your losses. I decided early on that match.com was definitely not my scene even though it works well for another friend of mine.

I can't even offer to be creative in your search for mates. How creative is getting online? I can say that it does help if you can be in a place where you're comfortable or "in your element" both physically and spiritually. It's probably where you project the truest image of yourself.

Isaac

Hello!

While I wouldn't go so far as to say eharmony is a scam, I could say it is at the very least misleading. Some questions I have for Dr. Neil Clark Warren, who by the way reminds me of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. How did you go about assigning a value of $40 to the personality profile? Who has ever paid $40 for this profile? Answer. Nobody! Ever! There wouldn't be an eharmony.com without it being free. It's there hook to lure you in. I was interested in taking the profile to see what it said. I found it fairly accurate. Then though I didn't sign up for the service, they started sending me matches, about 10 or so the first couple days. So sure, I became more interested, but still didn't bite. And I couldn't respond to them without being a member. More time go's by, probably a couple weeks. Then they send me an e-mail for a discounted membership. I still didn't join. About a month or so after first taking the personality profile, they sent me another giving me one months membership free. Bingo! So I joined. Then all of the sudden they sent me a lot of matches. Keep in mind for that previous month they were sending me new matches occasionally trying to tease me in. But I join, and suddenly a LOT more get sent. Then at the end of the first week, it slows down drastically. About 4 or 5 days before my free membership expires, I start getting a lot of new matches again. A friend of mine had noted this when she joined, and she made the mistake of paying for 6 months in advance. Shortly after she joined, the activity level fell way off. She didn't get any matches for a couple months at one point. Then about the time her membership expired, she got a bunch more.

I met three of the girls I was matched with in that month. Nice girls, but no love connection. My friend and I both came to believe that a lot of the people who we were matched with but were non-responsive were those who, like me in the beginning, probably tried the personality profile, but didn't actually join. Which is misleading, because unless they are a member, they can't contact you back, so why bother sending them as a match in the first place. Back to the trying to hook you in argument.

I also have a problem with Dr. Warrens assertion in many of his ads that "these eharmony marriages are significantly happier." How does he quantify that. For him to know that every eharmony marriage is happier, he would also have to know the status of every non-eharmony marriage. I think their advertising preys on those who are particularly susceptible to the "soul mate" theory which unfortunately is running rampant now.

Per Isaac 'I can say that it does help if you can be in a place where you're comfortable or "in your element" both physically and spiritually. It's probably where you project the truest image of yourself.'

What the heck does that mean?

Yes -Isaac your prose is very dry.

So dry you sound exactly like all the marketing and write ups that appear on the Eharmony site. Nothing you say has the ring of truth or sounds like an actual experience.

For example - the kicker is that you both have best freinds? Umm ok whatever.

If you write again provide some details - something that would help prove you aren't some PR guy from EH. Which is what I think you are.

It seems to me that the comments here about how much more effective it would be to set up a matchmaking site based upon honest interactions sounds an awful lot like -- meeting in real life! The problem with meeting on-line is that you meet people out of context of their real lives, and it can take a while to discover the truth about them. But, that truth always does come out. Like body weight and age. People lie about that; don't they think you will notice the truth the first time you meet?

The bottom line, for me, is that I believe in reality we only meet one or maybe two (three?) people in our entire lives with whom we really connect on a very serious marriage level. All the rest is entertainment. On-line sites are one form of entertainment. You could also join clubs or participate in activities that you enjoy, and meet people. And, once in a long while, you click.

Yeah, that's why I think some sort of meetup.com thing would be a good combination with a match service. match.com actually does that sort of thing - local group activities - but I've never felt tempted to go, however. while I don't think folks that go to them are silly, I would feel too silly about it myself.

Maybe if these match services silently and secretly took over these other existing meetings... almost like flash mobs! Like, there's this hip "knitting group" here in Portland that meets once a week, except it's all twenty-somethings. A match group could say that a whole bunch of singles are going to it, and then the poor knitting group would be overrun for one night only from all these people pretending to be interested in knitting.

Or, or! Support groups! Those groups are just RIPE for takeover! Just make up some sort of trauma, but make sure to wear your date clothes!

I'm just kidding. That's awful. Click on my ads if I disgust you, that'll show me.

...make sure to wear your 'date clothes'??? TFF...TFF! :-)

Wondering if this happened to anyone else familiar with this thread...got an email from this guy today asking for more feedback on my eharmony experience.

He said several of his friends had been happy with eharmony over the last 3 years but he wanted my feedback as well. So I replied and said IMHO eharmony was a waste and not to go there. I also added that it was...well..weird that he would ask a perfect stranger what they thought of eharmony and not take into account what his 'friends' had said since his friends obviously knew him waaay better than a perfect stranger.

So he replied saying thanks but he was open to other feedback. My last response to him suggested he was undercover for eharmony and something was fishy...but wished him luck.

Eureka! (Or "Topeka" as Kelly Bundy would say)...he used to work in the on-line dating arena...and I guess he is 'reaching out' to other museworld devotees to ask their opinions of eharmony as well!

Hopefully he clicked on one or two ads before he split!

Cali ...

I think I got the same email as you did from that guy. Funny ... before I read your posting here, I replied to him exactly as you did! You know, eHarmony is not for me, but your friends' opinion may be more valuable than a stranger's.

I don't know, though, that I think eHarmony is employing "spies", as has been speculated by a few people here. What I think is, eHarmony doesn't really care what people say. There are always going to be disgruntled customers, and there are always going to be fresh ones to replace them.

anima

I just joined e-harmony last week, and already have had four matches, and contacted two of them.
The thing I liked about e-harmony is that they do try to match you with someone who has similar background and interests, unlike match.com where you have to sift to lots of profiles to find anyone capatible. I do like seeing a photo of my matches right away, and you can't access these on e-harmony until you join and pay the fee. Another negative aspect is that they do seem to have a huge age-range for matches, and most of them tend to be in their 60's for me, and I would have preferred the 40-50 age range. I'm not ready for the geriatric crowd yet!

Hey Everyone,

I appreciate your individual comments. To answer your question, I do not work for eHarmony.
I've had a number of years internet dating, and actually have had similar experiences as you. However, I've also had good experiences and have made a few friends even to this day.
I appreciate reading everyone's input.
Let me say this, when subscribing to any dating service, whether it's eHarmony or not, there is always an element of risk with a combination of sincerety and insincerety. Many years ago, when telephone sex and dating lines were just starting out and into their high point during a transition to internet dating, I had worked in the industry for years in an operational capacity, both in the accounting and marketing aspect. I learned a lot, and unfortunately, these companies are looking out to make a profit at your expense regardless if they are Christian or not.
I understood the marketing tactics and the phony seed message both on the telephone lines and and the phony profiles needed to attract new customers as the competition was steadily growing with Mom and Pop dating services springing about everywhere both on the telephone, in the newpaper classifieds and the internet.
Be warned, that being successful at dating from these avenues are merited to finding real people connecting, which is now and then and not so often as people may think or what advertisers may lead you to believe. You also need to realize, that there are REAL people, who work for these dating companies, and are PAID to respond to users as to give them the idea, that they are so called "Real" people looking for love. On the flip side of the coin, there are real people on there, spending their money and sincerely looking for someone. However, there is no sure proof how to know, who's real and who's not. You may be wasting time seeing a good profile, and writing a personal customized email or message to a dead "seed" message or profile. Therein lies the risk, that everyone must take in order to find "real" love.
I would only suggest writing a form letter to interesting profiles, that you like, so you don't waste your time. As long as your form letter is very sincere about yourself, your goals and perspectives on life, then only time will tell, if someone, who is real enough, will want to reach out and get to know you more.
In the end, if you can afford to waste $50 for a month to see how you feel about it, dive in. But just remember, this is corporate America. Eharmony is a business foremost, and just roll the dice, and pray that you get in touch with the real ones out there.

Blessings to everyone here...

Tank

Hi guys - I got the same e-mail some of you have received and it immediately smelled of spy for eharmony or other matching services, so I didn't respond. If you look carefully on that email you'll notice the configuration of arrows or carrots (sideways) or whatever you call them looks very much like the fish symbol for Christianity. Very interesting. I've cancelled my membership to Jdate because the returns were in the realm of nada, but am still with match.com, with a return of next to nada during one month's time. Hey, I'm a cutie with a good background. My self-esteem is really headed for the toilet about now. I may need some moral support. Anyone?

Hi Tank - read your message above AFTER writing my message (above), then realized that email message I received (and didn't respond to) yesterday was from you! You clarified, to some degree, who you are. However, if you were already familiar with this weblog, why did you send us individual emails to get our take on matching services, when some of us were quite explicit in this forum on how we feel about our experiences with them? It all sounds odd to me, very odd.

Hi Andrea,

It's just my preference to write to people individually to get their take on their negative or weird experiences as I am a personal person, and really not into using a chat forum format, which I am now doing..
Sorry, I didn't mean to invade your privacy.

I am very discouraged by reading this but it seems so weird. I signed up for eharmony just a few weeks ago and I have gotten a ton of matches and four have already gone to full communication. They are also all from within 50 miles of where I live. I had no idea it was a "Christian" site, and although I'm Catholic, I'm far from evangelical, and that hasn't factored in to any of my matches, or any of the profiles or conversations. I find it very odd that people are actually getting "rejected". I think you guys might have filled out some extremely strange profiles. No offense meant, but seriously, I've had nothing but a good experience in the past couple of weeks.

Maybe what's really needed is for us all to gather in one place and have a big group hug. What do you say gang? LOL

I had typed "eharmony sucks" into Google and arrived here. Unfortunately or fortunately (not sure), I am too pathetic for eHarmony to help, as I am one of the 20% they say they cannot help. So I guess I saved $50?

I am too introverted and lack self-esteem, I suppose, which doesn't mean I'm a terrible match for EVERYONE. I'm sure I was a lot more honest than most guys who put their accounts up on eHarmony. I guess Dr. "I have a PhD and have studied the relationships of billions of successfully married couples" doesn't deal with the more socially inept among us.

Aw, Dave ... don't feel as though you're missing anything except further blows to your self-esteem. Seriously, I don't understand this "we can't help you" business, but I'd rather have been told this upfront by them, than have them take my money and have to discover on my own that they can't help me.

anima

To current eHarmony customers. I haven't used the service in some months. Are they still telling you when they send you a name that "A match is not ordinary and does not happen very often" while at the same time they are bombarding you with matches nothing like you or perhaps are nonexistent as Tank as suggested. I wonder now too after reading his comments if some of my initial matches were fakes.

Pam - don't you sometimes wish we lived in simpler times?

Pam - don't you sometimes wish we lived in simpler times?

Oops, sorry Pam, it posted twice.

Hi Andrea and Everyone,

Andrea I have really enjoyed your honesty and your comments on this site. Yes, simpler times would be nice. As I was reading your queston I was thinking of in college I took a Marriage and Family class. The professor who was born and had lived much of his life in an Asian country told us about how successful arranged marriages are there. He said I know most of you would never consent to marrying someone you don't know first. But he said the process of the parents carefully screening potential mates for their child often meant over time even though the two began as strangers they would fall deeply in love as they learned and shared more and more with each other because they went into the relationship committed to making it last no matter what. I want you to know I have really enjoyed everyones comments on this board. I have a few other interesting things to share with you about my eharmony experience and when I get it together I will post it. BTW anyone on this board a Josh Groban fan? I am 44 and so out of what's popular anymore. They were playing his CD in the Hallmark store last week, I bought it and have played it at least a hundred times. Ironically often when I have been reading the comments on this board. Yesterday it hit me here I am listening to these beautiful love songs in Italian and English while taking stock of what's going on in people's love lifes (or lack thereof I should say). Hang in there everyone, talk to you soon.

Pam

Why oh why did I not find this site before joining eharmony? I too have been bombarded with so called "matches" and would love to know how this "scientific" process works. The few that have truly seemed compatible to me have closed communication before we even get past stage 3, if at all. The most promising one closed me because he didn't think there was enough chemistry. Chemistry?!? I hadn't even seen his picture yet! And I must agree about the "Interests you share" section. Some of my "shared interests" included eating. Eating. Last I checked, that was necessary for life, not an interest. If I had known anything about their actual process, I never would have given them my hard earned cash. Thanks so much for letting me vent.

Hello Pam,
Thank you for your kind words, and what you said is food for thought. Having lived in Japan, I have seen arranged marriages in action and the scrutiny that goes into the "arranging" of families as well as the lives of the individuals involved. Something you may or may not know - in Japan,prospective arrangees are not forced to marry - not by any means. The parents, friends, and people of influence in the couple's lives act much like, well, dating services over here. If you think the Eharmony profile, with it's supposedly 29 critical areas of compatibility (ha ha)is anywhere near comprehensive, it's nothing when compared with arrangement-type profiling that goes on in Japan. Even blood-type is a serious consideration when picking mates.
The bottom line here is that although the divorce rate is steadily on the rise there, the vows seem to be taken much more conscientiously. Something to think about.
I enjoy you guys and your comments so very much. Keep it coming!
Andrea

You know, one idea I had is that if people had publicly available profiles on one service or another, we could always ask for contructive criticism here. I know that when I'm looking, I'm usually pretty disappointed at the lack of response, even though the folks I know in person are usually quite complimentary of me. ;-)

Hey, and thanks for the ad clicking - on average I seem to be making about a dollar a day. A nice little way to defray some of my internet bills. I'm trying to increase the popularity of my weblog in other ways to boost that up, but I'm sure it'll be a long-term project. Keep clicking away! :-)

Hi tunesmith,
Great idea! I have 2 profiles out there, if you want to take a look and perhaps give me some constructive input. We already know that my age is a factor to men who are unwilling or unable to think outside the box. So, here goes:
Match.com - munchkin705
Jdate - Andrea3012
Let me know what you think, OK? And thank you.
I have been doing regular advertisement clicks for you, and happy to do so.
Andrea

I think eharmony has great marketing and a homey sounding jingle but thats about it. I have been sent: Matches w/out a photo (why bother?) matches anywhere fr.1,000 to 7,000 miles a way from me and of course the ones they send you that just never respond. Match.com, is better if only for the reason you have some control over who you select and visa versa. I'm new to the whole internet dating thing (4 mo's, gosh maybe i'm a veteran now) and find it very antiseptic and cold. I think nothing can replace the chemistry of mtg.someone via fate, happenstance or just plain bring your ass to a bar, send her a drink and cross your fingers. I think people hide behind computer screens vs.interacting on a deeper level in person. So many people have told me "oh, i can be more free on the internet".Well, thats great but i think a lot of it is hyperbole (I mean jesus christ, does everyone like hiking,biking,camping and red wine drinking along w/walks in the rain, jeez!)E harmony seems to want to pigeon hole you into a "personality type". I think the dudes fr.eharm.need to go to a bar, party or some place singles go and do some investigating. Hey though, I'm slightly jaded since my ex took all our furniture one night & moved two states away to live w/her awful,dumb parents and left me w/a cat and a bunch of impending wedding bills. The good news is if the statistics hold 50% of these happy lil'eharmoners who I keep having to see (benny & joon , engaged June 2003, yuck!)will be right back herw w/the rest of us!

Hi Andrea,

Thanks for your followup to what I said. How interesting that you lived in Japan. I took that class 25 years ago so of course perhaps what the professor said then may not be pertinent today. When the crown prince was getting married a few years ago I thought the whole process about how strict the criteria were and how that meant it had taken him so long to find a mate was really fascinating.

Hey Tunesmith no problem. I will just keep clicking away as well.

Pam

Brendan,
I feel your pain.

Andrea

Only comment I have is a general one - sometimes I think photos with a bit more spontaneous life in them are attractive to people, like one that shows you interacting with something that's important to you, or laughing with friends, things like that. You might consider adding one of those. Beyond that I don't have much - I'm low thirties so I don't have much insight into what guys in your desired age range are looking for!

I spent 30 minutes+ doing that silly personality test...

Only to be told that I had no matches.
Hey, not a problem!
"Hey, what's a 13 hour drive for a date if she's the perfect girl? Sounds worthwhile to me!"
I expanded it to nationally...
No matches.

"Ok, this sucks!" I think. "Surely there's some girl out there in Botswana or Sri Lanka that's dying to meet me, though".

*expands it to worldwide*

"We're sorry, we were unable to find a match for you".
............

Finally I know the secret to it all: I'm incompatible with the entire human race!
I suppose I'll have to wait until they have a "galactic search" option to find that perfect hair...even if she does end up having green hair and tentacles.

Jaxnut,
I feel your pain.

Andrea

Laci, I'm glad, that it's working out for you. However, remember, that any guy could write the sweetest profile until you honestly get to know them. If you want to test your matchs' integrity, then see if they believe and can practice with you a celibate relationship until marriage as you say, that you are Catholic.

Dave, as a member of the human tribe, we all lack self-esteem and have our moments of introvertness from time to time. We are a messed up race of beings. For those, who get rejected from being a part of Eharmony, you saved your self from living hell.

Pam, as with anyone on Eharmony or other dating sites, you will get a combo of fake and real matches. I've worked in the business years ago behind the scenes enough to know what it takes to get customers.
I also took a marriage and family course back at Cal State Northridge. While it may be true, that arranged marriages have a certain success rate, it's really the value of developing true solid sincere friendship with your future partner, that's going to be the mark of a healthy long lasting marriage. Having been partially raised in an asian culture as a Filipino, I'm very familiar with the arranged marriage traditions as my parents had wanted me to go that route once as they would have picked someone for me. However, as I said, a foundation of solid friendship and strong committment to that friendship, is the real key. Let's face it, if you're already married, and you don't call your wife or husband your best friend, then that marriage is already in trouble.

Brendan, I saw the movie "Benny & Joon" many years ago with Johnny Depp and they never did meet through Eharmony. Ha!

Remember Eharmony and all the rest are money making venture operations with some misleading advertising.

Just three days before my trial ended, I cancelled my account with difficulty. I had to call the Pasadena office to complain about the mismatches, and also told them, that I used to work in the telephony industry and know what goes on behind the scenes, and really made a stink, that they claim to be sincere, but yet they are just like every other site out there.

Blessings....

Tank

Thanks Andrea, lol.

And that was supposed to be perfect GIRL, not hair, lol. I suppose the thought of some girl on Mars with purple hair lusting for me had my thought processes all scrambled. No, seriously, yuck, I'll stick to this planet.
For now.

And as an update, next day...a match! In the same city as me, no less.

......I just can't figure out if I actually want to pay $50, though. Especially just to find that "one perfect match" that eharmony just found me, who is probably in all actuality a GUY, who was drunk last night and clicked the wrong gender by mistake.

Hum, decisions, decisions...

Eharmony blows! Thought what the hell, give it a shot. Thought my profile was accurate - BUT, based on all the "matches" sent to me - I am positive all they look at is your age and where you live. I was very clear - no kids and no "heavy" women. I also wanted to set my desired age range. NOPE! You are only allowed to go older or younger, but not both. I wanted to move both the upper and lower ages down. 90% of the matches sent to me were 4 to 6 years older than me and I swear every one had kids, most living at home! Based on my matches, it seems like most eharmony members are 46+ year old women. I bailed after 3 months. I met a friend through work. I envy the guy that started eharmony - easy money!

You are all so right about eHarmony. I had the same overall experiences as most of the posts. I wish I had read this site before I tried eHarmony!

Andrea, I liked reading your posts. You sound great to me! How far are you from San Diego?

JEF

Hi!

I have found this whole conversation very interesting!

Here are my stats:

Divorced. Female. 37.

It's been 8 (!) years since I left my ex-husband, but I have yet to seriously date. The fact that I have a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old (I was pregnant when I left), is surely part of the problem. Also, I am chicken, and I suspect that I don't MIND being by myself enough.

I have online dated off and on for many years. Long enough that I really miss Yahoo free personals, and think there is a place for a decent free personals site. As part of a good sized ISP perhaps. You pay for the ISP, but you get the personal for free. I think AOL used to be that way?

ANYway, I recently managed to cancel my AOL, and have a little extra cash. My (married) friend mentioned how she though eHarmony was interesting. I have had a profile (ok, 2 profiles) there, but I never paid to be a member. I have a really hard time with the idea that I have to PAY to talk to a man! But I keep getting the promo codes; I had almost decided to take advantage of this month's 3-months-for-the-price-of-1 deal. Now I am SERIOUSLY reconsidering . .

Maybe it would be better to actually pay Match so I can write people back . . also they have been having some interesting live events in my city. (Though they seem always to be on weeknights, which is hard for my schedule . .)

Or maybe I should make 1/2 an effort to actually find someone offline. I am friends with guys in a band, so I am in bars frequently enough, but the thought of dating bar-guys is not so appealing. But I could, perhaps, talk to strangers (gasp) in the building I work in . .

One guy asked me out at the zoo once, while we were sitting on the bench watching our kids on the playground. We went out once, but there was nothing there, but I suppose, ->I

Take the money I would invest in online dating and buy a decent pair of black heels . .

Just thinking out loud. Thanks for listening! Feel free to chip in with any insights!

Oops. I freaked out the text editor:

"->I"

Should read "I could ask strangers out."

I find this whole conversation very interesting.

My viewpoint on the 2 sites:

Match.com -- TRASH THE SITE...It's awful. You put in a profile on December 1st, 2003, and between then and now, no woman bothers to initiate anything at all (yes, even with a picture on the site), and as for getting responses back from people that I've spent countless hours writing and in many cases proofreading 5-10 times each, I've gotten a single email back from maybe 3 of them, and actually met 1 person just to find out that what she advertises is nothing like what she is looking for. They have a "Dating" and a "Friends" section. She was looking just to meet people, and I'm looking to date, hoping that some day, that one woman that fits perfectly with me is found, and maybe I'll actually be married one day (I'm 10 days shy of turning 29, so at least I still have time). I'm discontinuing my membership.

As for eharmony.com, I only joined last Tuesday. Already, I've gotten 14 matches, of which, 3 really don't match what I'm looking for, but before closing them, I'd see if they wanted to initiaite conversation, but they will have to go first. Of the other 11, one beat me to the initiation, the other 10 I started. Out of them, 2 of the 11 I'm already in the "Open Conversation" mode, one of them I'm in step 4 of the communication process, one I'm in step 2 with, one of them closed me saying my profile wasn't what she was looking for, and the other 6 haven't responded. Still, talking to 4 in less than a week, and 2 of them already freely sending emails, to me is actually good. Granted, it's only about a 40% response rate, but still, other sites, the response rate is less than 1% it seems. Granted, somebody did say that there are more women than men on the site, so I could have a higher number of responses due to my being a guy, but still, I'm satisfied with the service thus far. I'm well aware that that could very well change down the road, but this is where I'm at at the moment. The other thing I like about eharmony is they do the searching for you, rather than match.com where you say you want someone who's female, white, non-smoker, between 22 and 33 (the age range I used when I was on there, so I had no problem with eharmony's suggestion of 21-30), and within 60 miles of Charlotte, NC, and end up sifting through 200 matches that don't always fit the criteria (like, I got some that did smoke). All that bogus is done for you on eharmony.

Well, there's my input on the 2 sites. Logging on to Match.com is worse than a root canal.

It's nice that Patrick is so easily pleased! Just getting people to write to me is not what I'm looking for. I want people that I'm compatible with! I didn't find any in 3 months on EH.

So I closed out after 3 months. I fully expected they would require a comment - have some sort of form on why I'm leaving. But no. Nada. Nothing. They did want to know how I could change my settings so I'd stay. But if I'm not interested in giving them more money - they offered no comment space for me to tell them why I'm leaving. (I could go somewhere and email them but they did not encourage that.)

And that just sucks! What kind of organization does not solicit feedback and try to learn how to do a better job? A very poor one. I had taken mental notes and was prepared to give them a lot of constructive feedback - and it's just pitiful that they didn't bother to try to collect that from me.

One thing was made very clear as the door hit me on the way out.

They just do not care.

Sandra

Hi guys - Here's an interesting turn of events. I actually met a really sweet and very interesting man through match.com - and he lives right here in Denver! (I'm sorry, Jef, but I so appreciate your lovely compliment. Who knows? If this doesn't work out ... I've never been to San Diego, but I have been dying to visit the zoo there ....)
I want to point out that I was a woman who sent many emails to different men as their profiles came up for my "perusal". So pitifully few chose to even respond.(Whatever happened to common courtesy? Yes, I know; it went the way of the DeLorean.)
Maybe I won't have to go to Tibet and become a Buddhist nun after all! Wish me luck. However, I fully intend to keep up with The Muse on a regular basis; it's become an integral part of my day, and I'm learning so much stuff from all of you.
Andrea

I bailed after one month and had the same thing happen to me as it did Sandra. I, too, was ready to give them some constructive feedback (as well as some complaining), but there was not a place to give a comment. So I sent their customer service department a letter outlining my experience and provided them with some suggestions. I have yet to hear back from them; no "thanks for your business" or even an offer of better service. All I got was a note that said I was not eligible for a refund.

I have had the audacity to email suggestions to eHarmony on a few occasions, and I believe in all but one case, I got an email back. And in every case, the email response basically pointed out that if I was experiencing any problems, I was misusing the service in some way ... need a picture, need more pictures, need to communicate with every match, need to expand my geographical preferences, etc., etc. All of which I had already done, but their response was clearly canned and they had not researched my particular problem at all.

I found that extremely irritating, no "thanks for the suggestions, we review them and make changes based on what people want."

Ultimately, I think what bugs me most about eHarmony is their ARROGANCE.

anima in Orlando

I just wanted to comment in response to anima's frustration about not being able address the weight issue on eharmony, e.g., sorting out the guys who insist on thin girls from those who would be okay with a big girl. I've found what works for me - my "about me" page has a comment at the end that says basically "I'm big, and I'm happy". I don't initiate any communications, so I know that if the guy communicates, it's okay with him. I've learned alot from this page, guys, keep it up!

My 3 month membership expired today. I got 39 matches over the three months (only after expanding my geographical preferences to the entire US). I would divide the matches into five categories. The number of matches of that type I received is in brackets.

Good Matches [3] - Good matches are matches I actually communicated with.

Dud Type I [16] - Dud Type I matches are matches whose profiles aren't completely filled out. I put these matches on hold with the reason "your About Me answers are not complete" and waited two weeks. If the match didn't fix her profile within that time, I closed the match. Only one person fixed her profile. This person isn't included in the Dud Type I count (she turned out to be a Bomb).

Dud Type II - [11] Dud Type II matches are those matches whose profiles are complete and not in the Idiot category (below) and didn't respond to my reuqest for communication. I tried to communicate with all of these matches and waited two weeks before closing the matches.

Bombs [7] - Bombs are matches that closed the match without attempting to communicate with me. Matches that closed the match after I requested communication are considered Bombs, not Dud Type IIs.

Idiots [2] - One person's profile was in ALL CAPS, and the other's used "netspeak" like "u" instead of "you". I closed these matches immediately.

3/39 is a horrible track record. eharmony gets no more of my money.

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading different folks' takes on both services as I have tried them both. I have had unbelievably good luck on Match.com yet never paid a dime. 20,000 hits in 4 months during my last stint and good quality guys that I chose to communicate with. It was especially handy when I moved from NC to Tampa, Florida as I had narrowed down my fave choices in my new locale before even having moved.I had 8 different fun dates within my first 2 weeks of moving and it also allowed me a great oppportunity to be shown around my new town learning all the hotspots while being wined and dined by very successful and dynamic men. Yes I am a female, very attractive& dynamic and my profile is written in such a way that that comes across easily. I know that as women we have it a lot easier on match.com than do men. Most men pay. My success on Match was such that eHarmony gave me a 6 mos membership free of charge (plus I am a publicist/PR person so they knew if I was pleased I would share that info freely.) Eharmony intrigued me for a while and they found many matches for me. I was very disappointed however in the men they found compatable with me. Out of maybe 30 matches I only found 2 to be even remotely physically attractive to me. Therefore there was zero chemistry. Unfortunately many of the guys there chose not to share there pics with me till way into our communication, tho mine were available to them right away. (I know u r thinking "What a shallow bitch!" I am not at all and know that it's what comes from within that counts but if I am not in the least bit attracted to a man, then I will not put energy into finding out in a painfully slow process what makes him tick.) Anyway, I have been delighted with Match.com and it has cost me nothing. I found 2 great loves there over the past 5 years (1 I would still be with but he was killed tragicly the day before we were to go to the Carribean to be married.) Since moving 3 months ago I have turned off my profile as I found, once again, another great guy via Match. We are even more compatable than i think I was with my other 2 loves. We have only been seeing each other for a couple of months, have not said "those 3 words" yet and try to take 1 day at a time, but I am confident that we have a great shot at a future together. BTW, we scored off the scale on match.com's new personality compatability test but were not even aware of that until after we had already begun our communications. I think there's is easily as valid as the e-Harmony test. IMPORTANT TO YOU GUYS OUT THERE: I would not have been able to communicate back when he first wrote me since I am a non-paying member but he had the foresight to offer me an alternative email address just in case I was not a paid member. I am so glad he did. Lots of guys contacted me but only a few had that same good sense so I could reply right away withpout going thru the TalkMatch system. Others that I may have had some chemistry with, I would have liked to at least respond to but they never gave me another alternative in there first communications. Instead they just kept writing and asking me why I wouldnt respond or wrote me off as arropgant and rude for ignoring them. Anyway, I am so grateful every day that my current Sweetie had that foresight in giving me an alternative or we may never have found each other. Wish us luck!
I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth as a woman whose been most pleased with her results in internet dating but knows which method works for her on a consistent basis.

Oh yeah, 1 more tip for the men out there. When you are communicating with attractive women online don't be surprised if we dont respond when you have NO PIC posted. It makes us nervous as some guys who are married don't post pics to remain anonymous plus why should we spend time and energy into writing you back when 50 other guys we can choose from DO post their pics. It's a quick elimination for many women when you dont allow us to see who is asking for our attention.Thanks for this forum.

E-Harmnony is awful. They don't hold to their 7 day guarantee. I took it up with the Better Business Bureau, and they still refuse to budge. I've disputed it with my credit card, but haven't heard back yet.

Hi WWaC - I feel your pain, however, with one word of admonishment. Do you not feel that dismissing what just possibly might be a lovely, quality lady because she wrote her profile in ALL CAPS might be a little too picky? Just a thought.

Andrea

Becca--

Has anyone been able to provide you with an 'alternate' email address on Match lately?

I have had guys, apparently, try, and it looks like Match is stripping out the alternate address, and inserting their own!

Example (specific names changed):

"
Do I HAVE TO be within 25 miles?

Oh by the way, my name is Curtis and my e-mail is ctk62@talkmatch.com, just in case you want to actually tell me that I'm too far.
"

I do not for 1 moment believe dear Curtis gave me his Talkmatch address. Money hungry Match stripped it out without telling him!!

Yes, match.com replaces email addresses with their talkmatch.com addresses. They also will silently fail to deliver emails if they detect someone trying to work around this. (I have definite proof of these things happening, I ran some tests with a friend a few months ago.)

All of this is permitted by the terms of service, and they also make no guarantees that any of the emails you send will be delivered. IMO it'd be OK if they simply told the sender about it... but they don't, and deleting emails without notifying the sender is doubleplusungood. If I cared I'd be seriously tempted to sue them.

Quite frankly, any woman who's too cheap to pay for the service isn't worth dating anyway. The services aren't free; the "free profile" is just an attempt to make it look like there are a lot of paying female members, especially as someone who hasn't paid isn't likely to delete their profile either. The dating services know the real score--they're just trying to sucker guys in.

I find it fascinating that it's so difficult to get women to participate in *anything* that might involve getting to know people. And I'm not talking about just dating-related activities either, but anything that might involve personal contact at some level. It seems to come down to a control issue; from what I've seen quite a few women have an overwhelming desire to control who approaches them and in what way, but men don't generally seem to care. I'm sure there are lots of reasons for this--societal roles, parenting, self-esteem, etc. And (to keep this vaguely on topic) that's precisely why something like eHarmony might appeal to a wider range of women.

if you insert your email that is onfile into a match commuication they will sometimes change it. (maybe always now). So if you want to have it get thru, make sure you use an email they don't know about.

If match wants to strip out non-Match email addresses, I am sure it is their right.

But, to do so without notifying that same day, that they have DONE so (rather than hiding behind the small print of their regulations) is very sneaky. Bad way to treat customers that have already paid you not insignificant amounts of money.

Match should also make clear that free 'members' cannot reply. If a paying member is writing to these free 'members', he should have a clue as to why no one responds. It is unkind to make him wonder if it is what he has said.

I really think it would be better business sense to let free members answer. If you care enough to invest your money to write, at least the people you write can, if so moved, respond.

Otherwise, I think Match ought to stop displaying the free member profiles.

Their current system might not burn them today, but eventually the people paying the money are going to get tired of writing and getting no reply.

And some other dating site will eventually be created which offers a more genuine product. There is definitely a place in the market for it!

friendship.crossdaily.com is a good free site. Met my fiancee there. Most of what I've heard about eHarmony has been positive.

I'm glad I found this page, I have been pondering whether to fork over Eharmony's insanely high membership fees. After typing in "Eharmony sucks" in Google and reading through the responses here, I am definatly NOT going to.

In fact I am probably going to give up the online dating scene altogether, and hope I meet up with the right girl [I'm only 24, so I dont consider them women yet :)] in person. I dont have much hope for that either though.

I have only been a free member of eharmony for a couple of weeks and have gotten 5 "matches" so far. Three of these closed out within a couple of days, the fourth one was too old for me, and the fifth one is still open, but since I'm not a member, I can't communicate with her. From the results you guys have gotten, she probably wouldn't even respond anyway, so why waste my hard-earned $99? Thank you for saving me some money.

There is just no substitute for meeting someone in person. You can learn 10 times more about someone by watching how they act and talk than by reading some kind of profile. Plus that, there are things you can lie about online that you cant lie about in person.

My story is a little different...

I've been a nonpaying member for Eharmony for over 1 yr and a half, and I have gotten a total of 9 matches within a 30 mile radius. At last count 2 matches were on hold, 3 matches were open but I put them on hold, and 4 matches had closed out (one because I failed to communicate, one for the "I'd rather not say" reason, but the other two I met). I am currently out of the matching database and am contemplating closing my account entirely.

One of my matches put his email address on his profile and I emailed him. We met, and he was everything I've ever wanted in a guy except that we had no chemistry. Honestly, he was the person that is the most like me that I've ever met, including my own family members! It was uncanny and weird. Even our quirks we had in common!

I put my email address on my profile (I'm a poor college student and not going to join anyway; I initially did Eharmony for the free profile and was not looking to meet people that way), and one of my matches wrote me. We corresponded for a month, then met in person. I had never even seen his picture before we met, but I was not disappointed! He is very cute!
We are dating now. He is everything I have ever hoped for and he is the closest person to a soulmate that I have ever encountered. We are so compatible, and I am happier and more relaxed than I have been in any relationship. I was attracted to his personality before I ever met him, and now I'm attracted to him physically as well.

If we end up getting married, I will send Eharmony a donation. I have recommended Eharmony to all of my single friends.

Eharmony really does work, although maybe not for everyone. It involves A LOT of patience and a willingness to look at the person's personality, not just their physical appearance.

We are living proof that e-harmony can work wonders! We just celebrated our 1st anniversary, and both of us feel extremely blessed. Having both been married before (we are in our 40's) we KNOW what a great match this is! E-harmony, we THANK YOU!
Top tips for using e-harmony:
1. Start from a position of strength, not desperation. Only begin searching for a mate when you have all other areas of life in place: ie. when work is going well, when you have your own set of friends and activities you enjoy, when your child / ren are doing well. If this is not the case, work on these areas first. Sharing life with someone is not the same as expecting them to 'make' life for you.
2. Write down for yourself exactly what you are looking for in terms of personality, values, energy level, education etc. Aim high and do NOT compromise.
3 In our experience there are way more women on the site than men. My husband, in Arizona, received 300+ matches, while up in Canada, I received a 10th of that. For everyone: be picky. If you are receiving lots of matches, don't feel obligated to communicate with them all. Read their profiles carefully and weed out ones whose responses are vague, or don't intrigue you. Let your defined list of what you are seeking guide you to good matches.
4. Be 'real'. Be willing to share who you are, and expect others to do the same. If they are hard to get to know, or aren't able to communicate from their heart, don't spend time trying to figure them out - move on to someone who is willing to be open and can share both the good times they have had, and can also tell you about some of the bad times in their lives.
5. If you decide to meet with someone, keep it low key. Be yourself. While talking, keep what you are looking for in mind, and seek to identify if this person meets that. Don't get pulled in by looks alone, dig deeper. Listen well. If you find you are enjoying their company and want to get to know them more, offer to meet again. If you don't feel a 'pull' to spend more time with them, DON"T.
6. Identify whether the person you are with is emotionally healthy. A good rule of thumb, for you and for them, is to only date people who have been on their own for 2 years or more if they have experienced a divorce or separation. People need at least that much time to heal, reflect and be comfortable with who they are before joining together with someone else as a couple. Listen for 'blaming' language, unresolved anger, inability to accept responsibility, uncaring actions... If you see these, RUN!
7. Meet their friends and family. One can tell a LOT about someone based on the types of people they hang out with, and the activities they are involved in. (I met my husband's family during the difficult time of his dad's passing. In such a crucible as this, the stability or non--stability of family dynamics is very apparent)
8. If you live far away from each other, work to spend as much time together as possible. During those times, spend time doing simple day to day stuff, like groceries! to see if you truly do enjoy each other's company no matter what you are doing. Having only 'romantic' dates may keep fantasies alive, but won't give you a true picture of what life may be like.
9. If you or your match, or both, have children, spend time together as a group so you can identify whether the children will meld too. (Between us, we have 4 children, my daughter who lives with us full-time and 3 great boys who are with us part-time)
10. Talk, talk and talk some more - about what you want out of the future, your expectations of family life, what you love about life, what drives you crazy, how you parent or expect to parent... talk about everything before committing to life long marriage A bad marriage is truly a tragedy. A great marriage is an incredible blessing for the couple, their children and future generations.
11 AIM HIGH. Don't compromise. Don't settle for less because that 'is all that is out there'. You are an incredible person yourself, and you deserve an incredible partner!
Blessings to all

Hey everyone,

I'm back again! Cinnamon and Very Happily Married...I'm glad eHarmony has worked for you. My experience is much different since I joined eHarmony on March 12.

Several lopsided "matches" and one comical eHarmony date later (the guy was a total playa and actually took a call from another match on his cell phone while we were eating dinner!) I decided that I was being too finicky and took the good Doctor N.C.W.'s advice to "consider each match carefully, regardless of what you think of their age, distance, etc. and communicate with every match."

This past week I received four new matches. All of them were older gents (age 57, 59 and two 58s) who live a good 50+ miles away from me. Being a good Catholic school girl who heeds her teachers' advice, I contacted all of them.

Within 12 hours, they had all closed me out without reciprocating communication. One had "too much going on in his life". Another cited "age, distance and difference in values". The last one, a pompous-sounding doctor who didn't have his picture posted, closed me out because he "didn't feel chemistry". Chemistry!!!! What chemistry? We hadn't even emailed each other!

EHarmony is really tough on the 45-year-old ego! Why is it that I can be hit on by a 32-year-old at Barnes and Noble, then be rejected by his grandpa on eHarmony? I don't get it.....

I think I'll stand out on the street corner with a sign...it would be a lot cheaper and I will probably have better luck!

mary in san jose

Mary - did you get a phone number from the 32 year-old at Barnes & Noble? If not, why not? How about giving match.com a try. I met a very interesting, kind (so far) and caring (so far) man there. There's much less bullshit at the site - fairly straightforward, and much less expensive to try out for a month or so.

Andrea

Hi Andrea,

No, darn it, I didn't get his number. I have no idea if he was single or available, but he sure was cute! I get so tongue-tied in those situations, even at my age.

Thanks for the suggestion re. Match.com. I may just try it out and see what happens....I'm glad you've met a nice guy! :)

Mary

Hi all, just hit my 7th day of the free-trial period and I cancelled my 3 month subscription. This eharmony website is an obvious fraud. Here's some funny insight. I work with police databases on a daily basis; we run software that finds links between people, vehicles, locations, and crimes in police databases. In other words, we create software that analyzes criminal activity and generates lists of possible suspects to police. If our software ran as slowly as e-harmony to return answers to our customers - we'd have gone out of business a long time ago.

This website is totally scamming you. Whatever their 1000 dimensions of compatibility are, there is no reason why they can't generate a list of matches for you within a few seconds if they really wanted to - TRUST ME.

Their game is obviously to keep you signed on for a long time by throwing a match at you every now and again to tease you and to keep you EXCITED and paying.

Don't fall for this. I gave it a fair shot and tried it for a week, but I am totally unimpressed and the scam here is so blatantly obvious to me probably because I work with similar systems on a daily basis.

I read some people on here carping about some religious connection which just sounds like hogwash to me. In my profile, I put that religion played 0 role in my life and they still accepted me. I don't know what you have to do to get denied by the website, but I am guessing that they have some sort of system that catches dishonest answers or people who are just plain screwed up in the head. It could also just be a ploy to make those whom they do accept "feel special" and give the impression that they care more about their service than they do money which doesn't jive with this guy.

Either way, there is something about e-harmony that just makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I've learned to trust that instinct and I'm getting out.

For those of you who do use e-harmony, best of luck to you. The matches could very well be more compatible than you'd find on other services, but at the same time - I would rather have some element of control over the situation rather than having some website act like they are my parents setting up an arranged marriage or something. I'm just gonna stick with the other websites where I have more control over whom I correspond with.

Thanks for the read and best of luck to all of you out there.

Dave
Tucson, AZ

I have enjoyed many a good laugh reading all these postings, especially after a long day at work - thanks for the witty banter and clever repartee...!

I have recently decided that it might be time to get serious about finding someone with whom I could have a deep and serious connection (attended a close friend's wedding in Portland a week ago - when it hits that close to home, you can't help but feel pangs of envy, wishing it were you). I am one of those obnoxiously independent types whose life lesson seems to be learning to lean on people, ask for help, blah, blah, blah... So the idea of actually setting out to find a guy who is witty, intelligent, aware of and working on his own "stuff", can hold his own in a good debate, understands why I don't like Monty Python and watches it with his other friends, can cook an actual meal (not just eggs or spaghetti), can make me belly laugh...the idea of going out specifically to "hunt me a man" is icky, yucky, blech. I know it's unreasonable, but there it is. Not, unfortunately, that I have figured out the alternative. If/when I do, I plan to write a book, do the talk show circuit, and hold national seminars.

All of that to say it was a happy accident (serendipity?) to stumble upon this forum. And if anyone does figure it all out, could you pass it on?

Heather - We're trying, God knows, we're trying....... then you meet the guy. That's when the work really begins. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

Does anyone have any thoughts/insights/experiences with Match's Personality Test, and more especially the Physical Attraction Test? Accurate? Not? Good? Bad?

I took the personality test, but I don't have much opinion on it. Seems pretty vanilla.

The physical attraction thing is sort of schitzy. Potential matches are both (a) attracted to my 'full kissable lips', and (b) not attracted because they prefer fuller lips. At the same time? Also, I looked up a friend of mine's profile, and, among other things, it told me she "Her overall level of attractiveness may not fit what you're usually looking for." Wow! Harsh!! ESPECIALLY as she is QUITE attractive! Makes me wonder what Match is saying about me to other members!!

I decided to take a serious look into eHarmony after my next door neighbor had so many good things to say about her experience with them. (What I really would like to share with you is at the end of this paragraph, if you don't want to read the details.) She is a very attractive professional and I am encouraged by her success at eHarmony. She also has had many good matches (in her estimation) over a period of three months and is dating steadily now with one of them. I decided to look into eHarmony closely and was intrigued by the concept. However, I was balking at paying the price of $99.95 for three months. One thing which seemed clear to me was that to give yourself a fair shot at this slower speed of communication, you would need to be willing to stick with it for at least three months. After reading the numerous posts here regarding the trouble some have had to get back their money within the 7-day trial period, I decided that I didn't even want to mess with such a refund process. After establishing a solid profile with photos, I simply wrote to eHarmony and asked them to give me 3 months of initial service for $44.85 (which is Match.com's price for the same amount of time). eHarmony responded within two days and gave me two free additional months if I would buy one month and no trial period. That was fine with me. So, ask nicely, and make your case versus Match.com, and you can get three months off the bat for $49.95.

Hi Koriandr - Re: match.com's tests
I enjoy taking personality tests, insipid though some are, but match.com's was pretty vanilla, as you mentioned. As far as the physical attraction test, I couldn't say because I've been trying to take that test, to no avail, for the entire time I've been a card-carrying, paying member. What's anyone's secret to actually getting into the physical attraction test? The screens go as far as the "loading test questions" at the very beginning, then no further. Maybe the powers that be think my profile pictures are so ugly that I have no right to take that test!!

I think the trick to Match's Attraction Test is the photos.

I have been able to take the test (a NUMBER of times!) at work, where we have speedy internet.

I have not been able to make it work at home, ever, where my Internet service is pokey.

so Im pissed off.. I want to sue adultfriendfinder, lavalife, american singles, yahoo, match and a couple others!! these websites engage in totally fraudulant behavior and racketeering! they run spams of their own and do not take off the spammers and just let them post.. the also are totally misleading in the ratio of men to women.. do not remove old outdated ads (makes it look like theres alot of female members there when there isnt) all have crummy customer service,, do not remove prostitutes when complained about and are all just a bunch of bullshit that they overcharge for.. anyhow want to start some class action? especially against adultfriendfinder!?

Like many of you, I wish I could unring the bell and get my hundred bucks back! Now every time I see Dr. Warren on TV, I know that smile means he's laughing all the way to the bank. Think about how many thousands of people like you and me have chalked it up to just making a dumb move and written off the money. Earlier in this thread there was an e-mail address for anyone interested in a class action suit. I didn't respond because I'm not about to get taken again so soon! Was it for real?

My experience mirrors most of yours. At 55, they put my ideal match age from 50 to 73. I explained to them that I didn't intend to spend my retirement years caring for my invalid mate, but they told me they "couldn't" change the age, and if I didn't feel it was an appropriate match, I should simply close it. Fact is, in the month since I paid, I've received seven names. Two ditched with no reason. Three didn't respond to my initial contact, and two put me on Hold, so I ditched them. There are no matches in my bin, but since they already met their "3 matches in 3 months," I expect I won't hear anything back until it's time to renew.

I was on match.com before. I had over 500 people look at my profile in 3 months, but no responses worth telling you about. On the other hand, I'm now on Yahoo!Personals and have been meeting men with real potential for relationships.

eHarmony is a scam of global proportion. Why isn't somebody doing something about it, I wonder. And if "they" are, how can I find out?

Hmmm. It doesn't show my name on that last post. I am Barbara.

Hi - And my thanks to all of you for your comments on e-Harmony and the other internet dating sites. You've saved me a lot of time and money which I can be spending in so many other ways.

Given that many of you have experience with eHarmony, you'll probably find what follows to be interesting. I know there is a lot of criticism out there about the lack of control users have over the entire process. I couldn't agree more. But I'm finding some interesting contrasts in my experience there which I think most people don't know about.

The first thing is that on one of eHarmony's welcome pages it explicitly states that their goal is to match Christian singles, and that the matching and process are guided by Christian principals. They advertise heavily in the Christian media such as religious radio stations. If you (as I) do not listen to Christian radio, you wouldn't know that at all.

The variance in responses between my two profiles at eHarmony is interesting. I filled out one profile very honestly and in my own voice as a liberal agnostic. The second profile I filled out in the voice of my brother who is a polar opposite to me, him being an evangelistic Christian with rightist leanings. On this second profile, I answered with a strong tendency towards faith being important, religion being important, church activities as a part of my life, etc.

My honest profile received 1 match immediately and then 3 more over the course of a 12-hr period. However, none have responded or initiated communication, and it has been 5 days since I created that profile.

My "brother's" profile received 4 matches immediately. Of these four, within 24 hours, I had an initiation from all four. Three have sent me a request to start communication, and 1 closed on me saying that she felt the physical distance between us was too great. Then, when I awoke this morning, I discovered 4 more matches (for a total of 8) and it has been only 36 hours ago since I created the profile.

Interestingly, I have my photos posted with only one of these profiles -- the one that has not yet received any responses.

I should add that on that profile, the photos are visible to anyone immediately before any communication has commenced. Still no responses.

My instinct is that one is likely to have much more success with eHarmony when putting a "faith bend" in their responses to the profile questions. I don't think this necessarily caters to the algorithm of matching in their system; rather, I think it reflects the culture of the users of that system. eHarmony advertises to Christians through Christian media forums, so I think there are many more faith-oriented individuals already using it and active.

So I think I *might* do the profile one more time in a few weeks, this time with a middle-of-the-road blend of honesty and traditional faith-based conservatism.

In the case of my honest profile, I have managed to convince eHarmony to give me 3 months for the price of one should I decide to buy. In the case of my brother profile, my requests for the same special deal have gone unanswered.

Either way I am going to wait it out for some weeks to determine which profile is most likely to receive more hits for matches over time.

In the meantime, I am still single, LOL.

How very odd that I received almost the exact note as above in my personal e-mail from "Travis." Shame on you. I won't stoop so low as to misrepresent my beliefs. And I didn't know about the so-called "Christian" connection until I read it here. Such a fine representation of values... that's precisely why I no longer label myself among them.

I wouldn't want to misrepresent myself on one of these sites. While I question whether it would make any difference in the quality of the matches or lack thereof, it is dishonest, and the people you meet would be expecting somebody else. Life is too short to go through it pretending to be somebody else just so you don't have to be alone.

That 5/14 post from Barbara, really cracked me up. Here she skewers a guy for exactly the same thing she says in her earlier post is missing from eHarmony's system: Honesty. Can't have it both ways, I don't think. she even notes the consistency of that honesty in both post and email. How can you take him to court over testing the system before losing money in anger as you and I did, Barbara? I imagine you are miffed that you weren't as investigative as he was. Well I am glad he did, it shows pretty clearly the tendency to favor certain types of people for matches. You don't have to wonder about your scam any longer, Barb! That Christian stuff at eharmony is posted right off of the frontpage on their website. I just wish I could have read Tom's info before I got into my purse. His test may be "dishonest" but I wish I was as savvy - don't you?

Hi, I'm a single 33 year old male from Minneapolis, who likes to enjoy life to its fullest...just ask my parole officer. I'm kidding, but I've REALLY enjoyed reading all of your posts, in fact I feel 100 times more at home than I do when visitng the E-Harmony site. I've never gotten to the "member" point, because with their half-assed matchmaking ways, I just can't justify spending the money- and this is coming from someone who just the other week spent over a grand on a e-bay on a rare guitar from a stranger 1500 miles away...and it arrived in mint condition. Maybe I should marry it :)

I've been on e-harmony for about 10 days---my maiden voyage after a 2-year relationship ended. I am 52, an attorney/mom/notinterested in golf or tennis. I don't know what being 52 means---I don't feel "old", I am not sure I look "old", at least this is what I hear. I am a moderate, but regular, exerciser. Anyway, my distinct impression is that men on this website who are my age are looking for women in their thirties---this is what I understand from reading about how much they bike, run, rock climb, and have "good bodi(es.)" Many do not initiate "communication"---reminds me of a moon walk---and there was one who just stopped writing, though he had been pursuing an exchange very quickly, we seemed compatible, etc.

I am not extremely religious, was raised Catholic, and am concerned about comments that this is a Christian website. I have not seen that clearly, but I will keep watching.

I just want someone to come home to and make a quick dinner, watch the news, a video on the weekend. Are there men like this on these websites? What are the demographics and results for people over 50 who are not ready to give up the whole idea? also, do women have to "dumb down"?

(I discovered this website yestersay, and I laughed out loud at some of the comments---this is where there are some very smart and interesting folks. Too bad about how hard it is to find your soulmate.)

My name did not show up on the previous post.

Jen, I couldn't agree with you more! As a 50-year-old publishing exec with kids, I am not looking for some guy is who trying to recapture his lost youth by obsessing on physical fitness and his body. I'm not interested in some 60-something retiree who wants to "pamper" me by taking me rhumbaing at the VFW and sitting around on a boat for hours either.

Aren't there any 40- or 50-something professional guys who actually have interests, who work, are real people? I don't care if they have lovehandles or a receding hairline, just want a nice, decent, interesting guy who's looking for a PARTNER.

I'm doomed, apparently.

Carissa, Did you miss the probability that both Travis and Tom were using a canned message? Not likely the two people have the same "brother" is it and both guys came up with the same "test" of the eHarmony system? I've read your message a couple of times and still don't know what your point is.

Now, let's play nicely, kids. This weblog is beginning to take on a more than slightly attacking and accusatory tone on a personal level lately - or am I the only one who feels that way? I believe that the real beauty of the site is in our interactions with each other - funny, interesting and helpful. It seems that we are becoming overly suspicious of each other's motives for contributions to the weblog. Can we just lighten up a bit?

The following comment in my earlier post was meant only in reference to eHarmony, and not directed at an individual. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

"Such a fine representation of values... that's precisely why I no longer label myself among them."

I stumbled on this site by accident and what a relief to know that others have used eHarmony and have posted feedback.

I just filled out the questionnaire friday night and received the no matches response.

Miraculously today, I have 4 responses with just a name and city. To "Read more", I must choose a membership plan. What a scam! Also, I checked out my matching settings. The age range is stuck at 29 to 42. I'm 32. I've dated older men before, and now I want to date guys in my own age. When, I tried to adjust the numbers to 27 to 36, an error message displayed saying that I could reduce the minimum number but that I could only increase the maximum number. If I think 42 is too old, why would I want to date anyone older ?
My e-mail to Customer service returned a standard reply from the server. Now I'm waiting to see if a real person will read the message.

Thanks for the tips about holding out to pay a lower fee for the membership. Personally, I have had better luck responding to ads in the craigslist.com network. There it only takes a mail or two to see if you're compatible.

Interesting comments about on-line dating. As it has evolved over the last few years, things have changed. What is most noticeable is that finally, more women are posting profiles. Eharmony, especially, has a higher ratio of women to men. However, for those of you who are dissastisfied with the process, remember that on-line dating has a delete button. Also, appearance still matters to both men and women when choosing a new mate whether it is in the real world or online. That is not going to change.

I am a non-christian who was on eharmony for 3 months. I had a large number of matches. Some were good matches, some were horrible matches. I met some of them. I didn't meet others. The bottom line is that there were no horror stories to tell. At worse, there was no chemistry.

The profile matching of eharmony, I do believe, is pseudo science. But it is not a bad service. Just don't expect great results if you are a good person but fall below the normal standards of attractiveness. These are NEW people you are trying to meet. You can't expect a new partner to forgive physical appearance flaws or handicaps the way a mate of 20 years would.

It doesn't mean you have to be a model. It doesn't mean you have to be a brain surgeon. It just means that you can't lose touch with your own reality. After most of us reach adulthood, we should have a sense of how the opposite sex views us. If men, have you had trouble finding dates or do you find women smiling at you very often? If women, do men flirt with you in real life or not?

Well, these patterns aren't going to change in the on-line world. What it can do, is open you up to more possibilities of meeting someone you otherwise wouldn't. And as the old cliche' goes....there's somebody for everybody. That doesn't mean finding them will be easy.

If there is one foible of on-line dating, it is unrealistic expectations. And this is not gender specific.

That's my 2 cents.

I do believe that on-line dating is more effective in the metropolitan areas than in the rural areas.

In my last post, I mentioned that after a divorce and the breakup of a post-divorce relationship, I am on e-harmony in the idea that it is better to be out there somewhere than not do anything and hope that my One True Partner finds me in the lettuce section.

Although there is the recurring comment that it is "desperate", I truly see it as a question of probability. I don't sit on boards of fledgling organizations anymore, because it is not my circle and I am not asked to. I don't go to bars after work because my work has become more independent and less-office based. Besides, that just doesn't fit anymore. I left Catholic School many years ago, so I don't go to church. These are all places I used to meet boyfriends, or friends who introduced me to boyfriends. Then there was a long marriage, then there was another boyfriend (I had forgotten all the difficult things about having boyfriends, including the desire not to settle down---I did not think this could still be happening). This is a very different time. Making contact through the Internet does not seem desperate or strange, it seems like an alterate avenue that fits more reasonably with my present life.

That said, I'm finding e-Harmony not a friendly place. It may simply be part of the reality of being in a dating market. I am not, so far, finding the website itself to be particularly better or worse than others, except that I am concerned that people not signed up can look like they are and inflate the picture. This seems clearly unfair to those paying for the service. It's also deceptive, since we are not informed of this. I learned it here. I also agree with others here that e-Hamony wildly exaggerates the potential for success. It would really seem that success should be broken down by gender, and it surely should be broken down by age. I am very curious about these numbers and what they would look like.

I am also curious about why women outnumber men by huge proportions. Is this true in all age groups? Is it true on other web sites?

Thanks again for your thoughts.
--Jen in Michigan

I can't tell you how glad I am to have happened upon this forum. I've never done internet dating; it's just something that I haven't been able to embrace. Yet my friends have been urging me to give it a try, so I thought, hey, at least the eharmony thing looks "authentic" and has "depth." Hah. I decided to research it a bit first and zoomed right here...after reading everyone's comments I am feeling deliriously grateful that I didn't get sucked in. I was really suspicious of the off-kilter goofiness of the doc's voiceover ads, but was almost willing to overlook that in my quest to be open-minded. Thanks all for saving me what I assume would have been enormous aggravation, money down the tube and seething outrage! One way to get the story out there is to write a letter to one of the network news programs about your scam experience--if they get enough complaints they'll do a story. You all sound like cool people with a legitimate beef. Go for it.

I just dropped my memebership after 6 months. Like the previous message I found that the guys wanted "instant click and deeply in love' to be unrealistic. Also, the majority of my matches were extremists in personality or outlook on life;downright scary!

I've been using eHarmony for about a month. They gave me 3 free months to start so long as I purchased 3 months, and I was willing to do that. It is difficult for me to complain about any aspect of this service so far. First of all, I am absolutely deluged with matches. Everyday, without fail, between four and seven new matches are brought to my screen. (Just so you know, I'm male, in my 30s, a professional, and located near a large Midwestern city.) So far, more than 100 matches, and I have only been using them for 25 days. I am not finding anything wrong with the type of match it's providing for me. Most of these women are professional, quite intelligent, homeowners, etc. The slower method of communication, and the manner in which it 'steps up' what you can know about each other, really makes for a more provocative exploration of who is at the other end of the line. I am really finding the other parties to be sincerely interested in great communication. Consistently 60% of my matches are in the local area. Men who want a quick fix for the physical attraction will need to be more patient on eHarmony: a good 90% of women in my experience won't reveal their photo until the final stages of the progressing communication. Yet, I have found this meaningless: for me personally, I find a good half very attractive and the other half I am not so attracted to physically. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground on that. I started out by communicating (or initiating communication) with ALL my matches, as eHarmony suggests. But now that I have almost 40 different lines of exchange going, I can't really do a good job in keeping it up. This was mostly my fault in being too accepting and I'll need to trim it back substantially for the remaining five months of my subscription. At least in my experience, men can expect to spend a lot of their time sitting at the computer once you have invested into eHarmony. However it is worthwhile effort as you are communicating with real people. I have never had the suspicion that there are fake or 'seeded' profiles here. Even the ones who have closed on me have revealed that they are indeed at the least a real person through typing personal responses in blank fields. I *do* think criticism here that the "40 seconds to search" deal is unreal, at least in the first few days of service. As you stay on the system longer, and communicate with more newer women, you realize that there are lots of women signing up each day. I also can't buck customer service. On the two occasions I needed to contact them (once for changing the age parameters of my profile, the second for what I feel was an honest mistake in charging my card twice) the problem was handled immediately and with courtesy. I have found that most of the matches who are far away geographically will close on you; and most of those who are nearby will keep it open all the way to the finish. I have a work colleague - a former boss, actually - who makes a salary seven times my own, is handsome and fit, drives a BMW Series M5, and can charm anyone. He met his girlfriend-now-fiance on eHarmony. I mention this because the type of people I am consistently seeing on eHarmony are professional and upstanding types. It's not like this executive really would have had any trouble meeting a woman, but he wanted to try eHarmony for (in his appraisal) the chance to really be matched with someone well now that he (in his 50s) feels that he himself knows what he wants. He thinks that eHarmony served him well. (And gentlemen, if you saw his fiance, you would agree!) Anyway, I have high hopes for myself on eHarmony now. I never expected to have the chance to meet so many women that I otherwise would probably have never known. I think that eHarmony is doing many things correctly. My general impression is that there are a lot more women on eHarmony than men. >>>>>>>>>>> I noticed most of the comments here are from women. I'd like to know what other fellows like me think. What has your experience in matching been? (not refunds! but rather, the women you communicate with!) How many matches do you receive daily? What part of these are local to you? What part of these are you attracted to and why? >>>>>>>Thanks to all.

Nick, I'm a man in my early 20s who just graduated from college who lives in a major midwestern city, and my experience was horrible! I got 39 matches in three months. I find it surprising that you got 100 in one month.

To give folks an idea of what kind of matching settings I had for those 39 matches, I'll post mine below:

How far are you willing to search to find your life-long love?

In my country.

Your Religion:

Neither religious nor spiritual

Please indicate what religion(s) your matches should be affiliate with:

[O = accept, X = reject]
X Christian
X Jewish
X Muslim
X Buddhist
X Hindu
X Sikh
X Shinto
X Other
O Spiritual, but not affiliated with a religious group
O Neither religious nor spiritual

How many children do you have who are 18 years old or younger and living full time in your home?

0.

Would you be willing to accept a partner who has children 18 years old or younger living full time in their home?

No.

Choose the category that best describes your highest level of education.

Bachelors.

What is your ethnicity?

White, non-Hispanic

Which ethnicities would you be willing to accept as matches?
[O = accept, X = reject]

O White, non-Hispanic
O Hispanic or Latino
O African-American
O Asian/Pacific Islander
O Korean
O Japanese
O Chinese
O Indian
O Arab
O Native American
O Other

How much do you smoke?

Never.

Would you consider marrying or having a long-term relationship with someone who smokes tobacco?

No.

How much do you drink?

Never.

Would you consider marrying or having a long-term relationship with someone who drinks?

Yes.

Aside from any children you or your new partner may already have, would you like to start a new family by having or adopting a baby?

No, I can't or don't want to become a new parent.
(In my case, I don't want to have children).

Your age is 22.

I would like my matches to be between the ages of 21 and 25.

Ah, a place to vent about e-harmony. Because I'm older (60) my experience was extremely interesting. I was matched with exactly four (count 'em, four) men in the entire country and three were in Washington state, the fourth in Idaho. Two of the three were in Puget Sound. I live in Seattle. Coincidence? Hmmm. The Idaho guy blocked me out immediately. The Puget Sound guys were 56. Didn't hear from them. The only one who responded was a guy who was 80. I quickly got that the age range for women was 5 years younger to 20 years older. I could not decrease that top number. It occured to me that maybe the age range, then, for men was 5 years older to 20 years younger. Hard enough for a woman my age to meet men without these restrictions. After a week of no other responses, I decided to drop it. Since I was within the week, they didn't charge me. But, drum roll, within hours of cancelling, I got a message that the Seattle guy had contacted me. If I wanted to contact him, I had to sign up again. A few days later, lo and behold, another e-mail from e-harmony - the Redmond guy was calling. The strangeness of questionnaires back and forth made me wonder if these guys really existed. The fact that the only men they found in the entire country were in my backyard was suspicious to me. Add to that the fact that two of them showed no interest until I was no longer there was also suspicious. The search engine on match.com is a little weird, but from what I've seen, it seems to be the best service out there.

Nick,
Thanks for your comments. We need more males to make comments on this forum. I did notice that you received 39 matches in the three month period, however, according to your earlier post (dated 27 April) you were willing to close out the chance to communicate with a great many of them for various reasons. I don't think your system for deciding who to keep and who to close was unreasonable. However, by closing them and not initiating contact with them, it is also true that they never received a message to their e-mail saying "WWaC wants to meet you..." etc. As I wrote, I've received 100 responses in the space of a month, about 40% of which eventually signed on to become subscribing users. WWaC, your geographic area (nationwide) is the same as mine, so the only reason I can account for the difference in number of matches would be your age group (you are a decade younger) and your choice of religious orientation - possibly. I don't think there are a lot of users who are age 20-25 on this system. To address the recent poster (female, Washington state) - I understand her suspicions - but it must also be said that there is nothing at all odd about two of three initial matches being in her area, since Seattle is a city with a giant population. I don't live in a city that is in size anywhere close to that of Seattle's population, and MOST of my matches are from my area. I also don't think it is suspicious that guys "paged" her after her 7-day period, as I've observed many of my matches sign up then take several days to contemplate whether or not to purchase a subscription. That is eHarmony's fault, though - they could help by making their prices more competitive. I only bought when I had managed to haggle them down to a price of $16.65 per month, which is reasonably close to the best price of Match.com.

I tried Eharmony for one month before resigning. I believe in the fundamental concept of matching by personality/temperment etc, however, I had problems with their "matching." I must admit that I received at least 50 possibilities but, MOST of them were much older and did not initially post their photo. I mean much older! My biggest disappointment I suppose was that Eharmony allows an individual the option of posting or not posting their photograph. Let's face it, looks DO count! Apparently, Eharmony doesn't agree or they would require you to share your photo from the very start. Upon resigning, I told them my frustration with this issue and never received a response. Good luck to everyone else.

Hi everyone, I have a very interesting story about the rip-off artists at eharmony.com! The do offer a free 7 day trial. BUT my 7th day that I needed to cancell was on a Sunday. I THOUGHT that I had to talk to them on their live chat support thing to cancell. I even emailed them on my 8th day...Monday and told them to be nice and fair with me and understand what happend. Those rat bastards say I wouldnt be refunded. THEN I had my credit card dispute with them...and that didnt work...so now Im emailing them and asking to contact managment and get a REAL live phone number. My advice...DONT USE THEM! Yes, theres a small percent that have success...but not too many AND GUYS guess what?? If you have a girl match with you...sometimes they dont have a photo posted AND GUESS WHAT AGAIN...they make you fill out 4 questionaires BEFORE they LET you contact this person yourself. My suggestion is that IF you use these types of services...dont pay over 15-20 bucks a month...isnt that better than 50 bucks a mo with eharmonysucks? Good luck!!

eHarmony's phone number is 626-583-4477 and they are generally very responsive when contacted at that number. Other posters have claimed success by just being consistent regarding the refund process during the first 7 days.

So now e-harmony's trying to save their ass by sending people to these sites? Too funny. E-Harmony's perfect for rich yuppies I guess, but I thought those people were supposed to have all the dates they wanted, just by their "professional charm".

The kind of people that actually LIKE E-Harmony are probably like the guy in American Psycho- who knows all the lyrics to every Huey Lewis song and worries about who has the flashiest business card. Or like all the bad news anchors who use their hands when they're talking but it doesn't look natural, it looks like they were coached exactly how to move them, but their timing/eye-hand coordination were way off, and they look like someone standing there waiting to catch something.

I'm just waiting for October 6th, it will be exactly 1,000 days since I've had a drink (I needed a break), and then I'm going back to the bars and meeting women face to face, which is what I used to do. The thought of computer dating sickens me.

Charming but sweeping, uhm, comments aside, I would have to agree with certain parts of Tom's from Minneapolis opinion. I do believe eHarmony's design attracts many more professionals than it does worker bees. In addition, I believe the emphasis for most serious users is not find plenty of dates, but rather, find one person of interest. Beer-swilling barroom charmers might not like eHarmony's pace, which rarely satisfies those with a need for compulsion.

eHarmony has finally started to bring their fees within reason of their main competitors. They do offer a lot more for the serious shopper than other services such as Match.com. I've just received an offer from them for 12 months at $12.95 per month. The promotional code is listed below, and the following is taken from the e-mail advertisement: "Here's the deal, to help eHarmony work for you we're not only offering 12 months at more than a $100 discount but you can make pay monthly rather than all up front. That's 12 months for just $12.95 a month, but you have to take advantage of this offer by May 25, 2004. Print this page & save the promo code: ECMEM36"

I saw all of the posts on here, and I too have fallen victim to eHarmony. I wasn't getting matched with anyone for a while, so I did that search for matches thing, and it helped a little, but after paying for a few months, I just posted my email address on my profile and quit paying. Within a few days, I had a few guys email me saying they weren't too enthused with eharmony either. I have actually been communicating with one guy for about a month now through computer and phone, and so far, seems to be what I have been looking for...so, I guess I can say thank you eharmony, for letting me put my email address out there so guys you matched me up with can communicate with me for free!
The guy I have been talking to pointed this out to me and I thought I would share this with those who haven't seen it.

Why some people don't get matches right away:

1.eHarmony was not designed to be a fast process. We may not have done a great job of communicating to our membership the pace of the eHarmony process. Many members expect eHarmony to work like other Internet dating services that literally give you hundreds of matches within hours of joining. Nothing could be further from the truth; at eHarmony we expect it may take as long as a year to be matched with a well-suited relationship partner. We still intend to provide you with 12-25 matches during this year. It is not at all uncommon for a person to wait 3, 4, or 5 months for a match and while that is very frustrating, there is a great reason for the wait.

What a crock!!!

I joined eHarmony a month ago. So far I've received over 70 matches. and that's with limiting my area to 30 miles. About 50 have been closed by either me or my match. I've met one of the guys and am meeting two more next weekend. I think the difference is that my expectations are not to fall in love right away. I'm more treating them as friends until I get to know them better. My experience has been great.

My experience has been the same as the previous post. I've been a member at eHarmony for 16 days, and I've received 52 matches. Of those, I'm in the "Open Communication" phase with 14 guys. I'm really surprised at how entertaining, literate and by-and-large professional the nature of the crowd is on eHarmony. These men are actually reading my profile, instead of focusing on a pic. They are writing and communicating and asking great questions. They respond thoughtfully to mine. This is amazing! Now that I'm sold, I can't wait to meet some of them in person. I'm also going to try to convince eHarmony to give me 6 more months for the price of 3, by writing to them as others have suggested.

Hi Laurie and Jichc100,

I'll bet that both of you are under 35 years of age! As you read these posts, you will see that it's a different story for those of us who are over 40 but not yet ready for shuffleboard! :)

I've had much better luck meeting people (both friends and dates) through free BBS such as Craigslist.

Not another crumb of my hard-earned dough will go to Dr. NCW and his "patented" matching system! I'll donate the money to the Humane Society instead!

Cheers,

Mary in San Jose

I found you out of sheer frustration when I typed "eharmony sucks" into msn. It's true, misery does love company 'cause I must say that I do feel much better after seeing it isn't just me.

Wanting to be selective on who saw my photo, I delayed posting one on eharmony until someone who showed an interest in *me* actually requested one. My first rejection came from an overweight, bald 60ish man from LA in a brown leisure suit who immediately closed communication because "there is no photo posted". Now I'm no fashion expert, but I'm thinkin a brown leisure suit is not a good choice if you're trying to make an impression with the ladies. I closed the next one after the man listed his porsche as the 5 things he couldn't live without. Wonder what made the Good Doctor think these jerks were my dream?

I'm a 47 year old smart, single, hardworking paralegal who has sworn to sit right here and read blogs on a Friday night rather than lower the bar. I'm not Barbie, more "Skipper", actually, her freckle-faced cousin. We all know beauty will fade but cute will last well into my 60s, so I'm happy with me - single or in love.

Should finding a good friend / lover be this much work??

Good luck to all. If the present matchmaking sites are any indication, we're gonna' need it.

ps- The women who post here have given me a month's worth of entertainment! Kinda makes you feel bad that guys aren't looking at this site for a match!

Very disappointing and self esteem shattering experience. I'm thinking of closing my account with eHarmony even though I've already paid for 5 more months on the one year plan. The "Christian" men are Christian in name only, a lot of midlife conversions, men in their forties and fifties that have never ben married. Did you know that a man of 40 who has never married has a 1 in 6 chance of ever marrying? As soon as they see my photos they reject me, even though previous to seeing my photos they are panting. The two books that come with the one year plan are good though. Ladies, they're mostly hateful, hostile, close hearted creeps. Save your dough. The gents in chat rooms are much kinder, smarter, and BETTER LOOKING.

Touche Jenny. Like you, I feel that for many of us over forty this site is peopled by men who are misogynists; just reading their correspondence opens a window to their warped world.

I wrote a few weeks ago as I began my search with Dr. NCW and his band of fictional matchmakers. I am an attorney in my early fifties, had a 14-year marriage, and a noncommital(sp?) boyfriend for 2 years after that. I love the comments on this forum, especially from women, and it has made this mate-searching process so much more workable and bearable.

My experience with e-harmony has been as follows: about 25 or 30 "matches" have been indicated. A few are immediately closed, such as the guy who was looking for a "biblical" wife (this was a new one). Also guys who play golf, work out way more than I have time to, and talk about what great bodies they have (and how thoroughly wonderful they are in all other manner of things) are probably not my life partner.

However, out of all this, I have met one man who is compatible in many ways and with whom I e-mail almost daily. He appears to be pretty thoughtful about the same questions I face at this point in time, and he has a good amount of credibility. a major convinving factor was that I put him on hold because this whole process was, at the beginning, a bit too awful. He did not immediately close me out in a huff. He just hung out there, as it were, for a while. This internet interaction is a world of its own. Anyway it said something to me, for what it is worth in this limited forum.
It is something of a liability as well as good fortune to all of us that we've been through so much. I am inclined to be much more cautions because of this, and because I am an attorney, I have dealt with the dark side for many years, which makes me even more cautious. However, I have to say I do not think it is impossible to meet someone this way, alone or in combination with other sites, the grocery store, community functions, or walking the dog. It's a matter of probabilities, like anything else. ---J.

I think E-harmony.com is ridiculous...according to them, I am part of the "20 percent" of people who their service won't work for.

In case you dont know, that is just there nice way of saying "You are doomed to be alone, and you arent the 'marrying type' " I think thats a crock. I will feel satisfied to see E-harmony eventually go bottom-up in the future, when people realize how much of a sham it is.

E HARMONY.....HELL NO I WON'T GO!!! I'm 58 and a widow from north of Seattle, Wa. Considered attractive,hwp,intelligent,lots of fun and looking for a "forever" relationship with a guy that has similar qualities I listed. SOOOOOOOO!
I decided to join eharmony. Thinking it was more expensive I felt I was likely to have better luck with them than the other service I was suscribing to. "Wrong" I think in a three month period I received 4 or 5 matches and some of them I couldn't reach. I'm not seeking a "walks on the water kind of guy" but harmony made me feel like I was. I have two girlfriends that have had "THE SAME" experience. Would I recommend eharmony..........what do you think?

Jenny - please tell me about the world of chat rooms; I'd be interested in exploring this if I knew what to do. I'm obviously not "computer literate" yet - God knows if I ever will be. It's, as you said, another avenue. I'm getting very cynical about matching services for all the reasons we've talked about previously in this weblog. Hoping you or someone else here can give me some pointers. Thanks.
Andrea

I'm puzzled by many if not most of the negative comments about eHarmony found on this site. I'm thankful for some of them, because reading them BEFORE I signed up at eHarmony allowed me to save a lot of money in my subscription plan. But most negative comments I read seem to center on a lack of matches, and I don't understand the reason I get so many matches and others get virtually none. I am on my 21st day at eHarmony and have 66 matches to consider. This is far too many to digest. I have ACTUALLY started asking some of these women whether they would like to meet a couple of my "real life" buddies when I sense a match. (Obviously, I am not doing so with the women who I personally am finding a connection with.) These women are so sharp and they write well. Almost all of them are local. Most of my matches do correspond, although I do note a dropping off point on about one-third of them when they reach the end of their seven-day free trial period. Nine of ten of them do have their photos posted. Some of them are great matches for me (I feel) and some aren't so close a match. I am still perplexed why some people on here complain about so few matches. Why do I get so damn many? I'm in my early thirties and my matches are almost always between 25-35 (which is fine). I wonder if the dearth of matches for others reflects a low user base for their age (for instance, someone in their late fifties). I also wonder if the lack of matches might reflect too tight of a religious restriction. For instance, selecting Catholic (only) would eliminate three-out-of-four users in North America. I am an eHarmony fan. I definitely encourage people to read this entire page to learn how they can save money and increase their number of matches -- before they go to eHarmony's web site and create a profile!

Interesting posts here. Just joined both eH and Match this week. 34yr old grad student (guy) in a small rural college town. Slim pickings for certain.

Would like to solicit responses from some of the folks here to set my expectations realistically for these sites...

What, in your opinion, is a realistic lower threshold for the age range I should expect from these sites? I've heard:
"I'll bet that both of you are under 35 years of age!" and
"my range is 25-40" from among the ladies in this thread.

eH suggests I should target women no less than 24 for "compatability likelihood"

... is a 23 yr old and a 34 yr old such an anomaly? unusual?

I've heard the cliche "love transcends" but that's certainly appropriate only well after initial connection.

Treat this solicitation as a poll, not as a "validation for a horny guy with a teenage fetish" ; )

Guys, please chime in too...

Hi Lee,

I'm glad you asked. Here are my general thoughts on age ranges irrespective of your Eharmony situation.

One thing that is an ENORMOUS red flag for me when I look at men's ad is the age range they select. I know I want nothing to do with a 38-year-old man who lists his ranges as 18-37. How offensive! When I was younger, I aimed for men that had about equal ranges older and younger. (I.e, if the guy is 38, his ranges might be 33-43). I am less stringent now but I still prefer that he be willing to date a woman half as old as he will accept young. (Wow! That sentence made no sense! I mean for every 2 years younger than himself, he should go one year old. Ex. if he is 38, his range might be 28-43.)

Love can, of course trenscend age. But . . if you are only willing to transcend in one direction, you may be an old guy looking to date teenagers.

My advice is to think of your upper limit first. Then 1.5 it for your lower limit.

Just 1 voice out here in the wilderness! :)

Koriandr,

Huh?

Koriandr,

Huh?

Still confusing, huh?

Ok.

Let's say Lee here is 34.

Let's say he thinks the oldest woman that would be acceptable to him as a match would be 40. That would be 6 years.

My plan would be to take the 6 years, multiply by 1.5. The total is 9. Subtract that from his age, making the bottom limit 25. (34 minus 9).

I don't think there's anything inherently crappy about a man being attracted to women younger than him. What's crappy is that the reason for that attraction is often for superficial reasons. But not always.

As far as I know, I like women about my own age. But beyond that, I'm apt to go more for women that are younger than women that are older. The reason is simply because I know what it's like to be younger than me, and I don't know what it's like to be older than me. I would feel more able to identify with a younger woman than an older woman. As I get older (33 now), it's more about age ranges than particular years, but it's still true. I know a few local 36-40 yo women locally, and they're all much further in their careers and more settled in their lives than I am. That's alien to me compared to being able to identify with how I felt only a few years ago.

I'd expect that to be true, to some degree, for both men and women. So to me the more interesting question is why all these younger women are saying yes to much older men. I really don't think it is just because they're deeper than us, or because the appearance of their mate matters less to them than it does to us.

Sometimes it's a case of love transcending age...other times there are ulterior motives for purposely seeking a partner who is much older or younger (ego, fear of youth slipping away, wealth and security, etc.) We've all heard the stories....

However, what I don't appreciate about eHarmony is that they set the age limits for us like a restrictive parent. I've been told that my "optimal" age for "matches" is 41 to 59 (I'm 45). I can expand this age range, but not narrow it.

"Dr. NCW and his band of fictional matchmakers" (thanks, Jen!) know nothing about me and my situation. It's quite possible that a 45-year-old woman with a couple of grown children and perhaps a few grandkids might have something in common with a 59-year-old retired gentleman....but that's not where I am in my life. EHarmony doesn't take these variables into consideration....and I don't expect them to be able to do that with an automated system.

It would be preferable if we could set our own age limits and use their guidelines as "suggestions", not holy writ. After all, we all know ourselves much better than eHarmony could ever know us, 420-question test notwithstanding.

Just my 25 cents worth...

Mary in San Jose

For the brief time I was on e-Harmony I told them during my first week that I would set my age ranges or else I'd quit. Voila...they let me set my own age ranges.

Have done better in person than on e-Harmony but keep running into guys that want to get married and have kids. Am definitely not into kids and don't want to have a relationship where kids are involved. And not looking for marriage any time soon, if ever. Been there, done that, no thanks.

Go figure, huh???

Where are all the 26-39 year old guys that are looking for more than one-night stands (not that there is anything wrong with that) but not marriage and kids or God forbid a pseudo-mommy to take care of them?

Hi, Andrea. In answer to your query, the people in chats are pretty friendly and open hearted. I've had good luck on 40's Love, which is a subcategory of Romance on the AOL chats. What works for me is once you enter the chat, say something friendly to somebody whose screen name or message strikes your fancy. You can also mention a movie you've seen or a book you've read recently. Flirting and humor often gets the ball rolling. They will often request a private chat with you by Instant Messaging. I've never had anything but a positive enriching experience in a private chat as well. I've only been online since last June, participated in my first chat in February, so haven't met any chat men face to face. What's hinky about the eH system is the guided communication. It's awkward and impossible to communicate in a dialogue in real time, which a chat does allow. Also, the men seem to judge me based on preliminary info, like what books I read, etc. They make lots of assumptions, but to be honset, I have also been turned off or swayed by what they say on their brief questionaire. Naturally, two people have rarely read the same books. It's not like I read books about how to make a bomb. Is reading books by retired FBI agents so bad? Hey, at least I do have an active library card. Thanks for your input too, Jean, but how did you know I'm over 40? And, Mary, a lot of men who play golf are actually pretty nice and upbeat, how about BOB for example, on the Enzyte natural male enhancement TV commercials? He's a doll.

Hi, that last post was from me. I forgot to put my name. I'm Jenny. To all of you, both guys and gals, good luck on your worthy quest for love. Take care of you. PS My sister met her wealthy fiancee on Match.com. They live together in San Rafael. She's 53, and they've been together 4 years. She does have a very girl-like figure, quite thin. All it takes is walking her dogs. Me, I've ben working out more too, have even started doing stomach crunches. I keep the serenity prayer in mind.

Hi, Mary. I'm sorry, it was Jen who mentioned golf. I know it can be an obsessive sport, but it does put men folk in a chipper mood.

Just My Personal Opinions on eHarmony

eHarmony is what I would call "pyramiding" using people's emotions. Here's what I cover:
1. What paying members should know.
2. What non-paying members should know BEFORE they pay.
3. Hiding photos
4. Non-existent Customer Service
5. Photo Size - Extreme Limitations
6. 15 minute log off rule
7. No control over the process
8. Personality Profile Inaccuracy

1. For Paying Members: Here's what they don't tell you. Paying members are sent "matches" from non-paying members who cannot respond or communicate with you unless they pay the fee. If they don't, it just looks like they never responded to you. And that represents the majority your matches. Effectively, eHarmony USES your profile to lure new members into paying.

2. What non-Members should know: The non-member "match" receives emails from eHarmony, enticing them to pay because "you have an email communication from someone who wants to talk to you," but they can't communicate unless they pay. What the non-member doesn't know is that email may say "I'm taking a break from dating" or "Post your picture" or other rejection. They have a whole list of rejections. Since they can't even see photos until they've paid, it may be someone they are not physically attracted to, which seems to be the majority at eHarmony.

3. Hiding Photos: I guess eHarmony decided to ignore the fact that we are all visual creates. eHarmony decided to match people on personality and enable members to hide photos under the premise people will be so overtaken by personality, that they will forget about physical attraction. Unfortunately, this enables persons you would not and will not consider dating to completely waste your time and a lot of it.

4. Customer Service: Doesn't exist. This product was clearly built under the misconception it would run itself. If you get a response to an email in 4 days, consider yourself lucky. There is no phone communication. Customer Service Chat is down altogether for days at a time, which either spells system problems, underestimating call volumes or financial issues.

5. Photos size limitations: This is bad. eHarmony allows 4 pictures at 195k each. Their competitors, including FREE sites allow 3 mb per photo. Oh, but I forgot, we don't care about physical attraction.

6. Log-Off 15 minutes: Their system logs you off every 15 minutes. They spent their money on those slick ads and not technology.

7. You get nothing: You can cannot review anyone or any profile you aren't "matched with" and based on my belief that they have low membership, their may be nothing happening. They've basically taken all the control away.

8. Personality Profile: Well mine said I was shy, avoided confrontation and was fearful of expressing my opinions to prevent upsetting anyone. My family and friends laughed. You be the judge.

My opinon? eHarmony is emotional pyramiding an snake oil.

When I first saw the TV ad for this, I busted up laughing. Back in the early 80's, before the computer was big, I had join a pen pal service called Harmony (sound familiar?). It was supposed to match you up with compatable pen pals. What a joke! I remember one girl they matched me with, who was in the arny and stationed in Europe. From what I could tell, she had broken up from a guy who was stringing along her and another girl. Then found out she got pregnant from him. Then she mailed a pic. If she were a man, she would have still been ugly. I wrote to a couple of others that were just as bad, then gave up. I realized that in order to not get caught up on their "guarantee", they will match you up with whatever they had.

So why would a computer program be any different? You would have better luck hanging out at the beach every weekend....

Lily70,

Oh, yeah...the personality profile! Here's something interesting: One of my "matches" (who closed me because he had "too much going on in his life") had made his profile available for viewing.

His profile was exactly the same as mine -- word for word! (EHarmony says that I'm shy, conventional, and unwilling to "rock the boat" for fear of upsetting others.)

I suspect that eHarmony has three or four "generic" profiles that they arbitrarily assign to each member. Sort of like the astrology column in the newspaper...a few of the points are bound to hit home, but most of it is BS.

Mary in San Jose

LOL at all the people whining about the cost of eHarmony. U can join the site for a year for a mere $150. Ladies how much cash do u spend on shoes or clothes just to attract someone? Guys how much money do u blow taking women out to dinner only to discover u don't have anything in common?

If I told u I could introduce u to your lifetime love -- but u would have to pay.... How much would u be willing to cough up? For me I would sell my car and pay thousands! Quit your whining about the 7 day trials and give the site a year to make it happen for u. Personally I like the fact that eHarmony is not the cheapest. Much better than Match where the women don't have to cough up a dime and just sit back and see what comes there way.

Daniel - Give the eharmony site a year to make it happen for u? U must be nuts. Who are u looking for that u would sell u're car and pay thousands? I wish u lots of luck, u rascal u.

Andrea

Daniel - U would actually sell ur car (what kind of car do u have?) and pay thousands? Have u forked over ur mere $150 and met ur lifetime love on eharmony? U might want to consider in-depth phone conversations with ur prospective lifetime loves to determine how much u seem to have in common in terms of interests, values and phone chemistry before u blow ur money taking them to dinner, u rascal u. For me those phone talks save a whole lot of wasted time meeting someone in person if there's zilch or little phone connection.

Andrea

Sorry Daniel - didn't mean to repeat myself. I thought the first message didn't go through, so disregard first one and go directly to two; do not pass go, do not collect $200 - unless, of course, u'd care to spend the $200 wasting ur time and money on eharmoney.

Andrea

ROTFL!!!!!! Andrea, you are a riot!

And Daniel, u rn't related 2 Dr. NCW, r u?

Mary n SJ

Mary n SJ - u r funny, 2! I saw a bumper sticker the other day that's worth pondering and would love to share: Yes, it's true that many women fake orgasms, but many men fake entire relationships. (Please, men, I am not a male basher; I just laughed my head off when I saw this.)

JEF - Re: your posting of 4/28. Are you still interested? Trying to build a foundation in my new relationship with Mr. Wonderful was like trying to re-arrange deck chairs on the Titanic.

I live in Denver - a hop, skip, and a jump from San Diego .....

Andrea

Well, I've been trying the on-line dating thing for a while now (three years maybe?). Match.com has been fairly useless - I've written to a LOT of people and I near hear anything. I let my subscription lapse and while I do keep checking their site, I never see anything interesting. Yahoo.com personals has been more useful. I had some good email conversations going on with a couple of people, for months, but in the end, things peter out. Neither have led to so much as a phone call. So I read about eHarmony the other day and decided to check it out. I figured what the hell, it's only $250 for a year - a small price to pay if it leads somewhere, so I signed up. I had four matches right away - one of whom closed me after after an initial response, one of whom I closed out due to lack of interest, one of whom contacted me, I responded, and have yet to hear from (only been a few days of course), and one of whom I've contacted and we are now in "open communication" after 2 or 3 days. It's probably all a sham, and I'm skeptical, but I figure what the hell, it's only money.

Now I came across the comments on here and I find what everyone has to say fairly interesting. I wasn't aware of the conversative nature of eharmony before, and had I known that, I may not have signed up with them. Also, I didn't think too much about the "limited choices" inherent with eHarmony's system - but on the other hand, if people are paying that much for the service, maybe they're more serious about things than with a place like match.com or personals.yahoo.com. At any rate, I think I have a lot to offer SOMEONE. I just have to find them. I'm not looking for a supermodel, just someone who doesn't have attachments and is fit & healthy. All-in-all, pretty reasonable I think.

Feel free to look up "ferroo" on match.com and if you have interest, drop me a line at ivy_green_mica@yahoo.com (:

Cheers!
-sean

Today marks my 28th day on eHarmony, and I've been following the comments on this web page before that (and since). I made use of some of the information found on this page to get a deep discount on my subscription price. This was done as users here have suggested; I merely e-mailed them using the 'Contact Us' link after I had made a profile but *before* I gave any credit card information to subscribe. My experience with eHarmony has been excellent. Have I received a suitable number of matches? Yes, 90 matches in 28 days. Have an inordinate number of my matches closed out the match for any reason? No, the great majority of them continue on in the process and exactly one-third (that's 90 guys) are in Open Communication with me. Only 22 of these 90 have been closed, and some of them by me. Are these men my type of match as I feel about it? Yes, almost every single man I have been matched with has been a degreed professional and sensible and kind. Are they hideous? No, I have had two dates, and one of them was gorgeous in addition to charming. And I had no idea what he looked like before we met. As I was sitting here writing this, my neighbor who got me into eHarmony in the first place, came over and showed me her ring! She is 5'11" by the way, and can confirm that she was never matched with anyone shorter. (Her NOW-husband is 6'2".) They took an eight-day vacation and spurred a shotgun wedding after many months of dating. I hope this will be me, and maybe with the gorgeous guy. :-)

Eharmony ripped me off. I tried to quit, and they charged my credit card, anyway. I complained and they still refused to refund the charge. Never, ever give them your crdit card number, or they'll charge you after you quit. What a hassle. Besides, I never did meet anyone from that site. Most of the ads aren't from paying customers so they can't answer you back.

I agree with the comments that eharmony BLOWS! It is impossible to change the age requirements, and I'm an attractive educated person and they are sending me these men who super short and heavy,with no careers. It is a waste of money- also a person cannot browse the members for a better fit for them. I wholeheartedly think eharmony is a marketing gimmick and a royal waste of time and money!

I agree with Jessica. eharmony ripped me off. I turned the auto renew off. Then a few days before my subscription was up they sent me an email saying my subscrption would be renewed. So once again I turned the auto renew off. Then on Tuesday I find out my credit card was charged. So I emailed them asking why. It only took 3 days to answer it. Wonder fow long it would have taken if it was telling them how great they are. Anyways they pretty much told me I didn't follow the directions so they won't refund my money. I sent them a new email today stating that I did follow the instructions. Maybe a call to the Better Business Bureau is in hand. Thats why I think Eharmony sucks.

Well, today's the day!

My membership expires at midnight and I am soooo excited! Just think, at precisely 12:01, at least a dozen compatible men will find my profile!

What. A. Scam.

There was one seemingly fine man in Fayetteville, NC who sent 3 messages and I replied to each of them, only to find no "Open Communication" option at the end. I like to think he's still looking for it, too. (Hey, it makes me feel better.)

An email to Customer Service two days ago still hasn't gotten a response, but I fully expect that info to arrive in the 12:01 mailbox, also.

I hope they aren't stupid enough to charge my credit card after I've checked DO NOT RENEW twice. They're messin' with a woman with PMS who hasn't been on a date in over 6 months and was scammed by "Christian" Dr. Love.

Several Charlotte radio stations have begun advertising eHarmony and positively gush over the success they read about on the eHarmony website. I'm thinking I may save them some furious locals by sending this web address over to them.

Jan

I think Kathy’s and her friends experience on eharmony is an anomaly. I was on the site and have talked with may who have also been members. While there are a few problems with the format the biggest mistake they make is encouraging members to hide their picture. This causes you to go through the lengthy process of canned questions only to find out you have no, zero, nada chemistry. The founder of eharmony has this notion that you can develop a meaningful long-term ROMANTIC relationship without having any chemistry or that you can develop chemistry.

Well sorry Neil buddy, but it just doesn’t work that way in the real world.

Like the personality factors they push so heavy, a basic attraction is also a factor and just as important as the others. One is not more important than the other, but they are all required.

The fact is that I have NEVER talked with any guy who developed an attraction for a woman that he didn't previously have. It is either there or it isn’t. That doesn’t mean you don’t develop friendships, but on a singles site you are looking for a wife not a sister.

So like Kathy I also received many matches, but out of probably 100 matches I had chemistry with 2. That is very poor odds.

So because people tend to hide on eharmony and not present their true self, I would recommend that if you use online dating that you try sites that encourage people to be more honest about who they are and up front with what they look like. That way you can know all the info (likes, dislikes, religion, etc) and also if there is any chemistry.

Has anyone noticed that on eHarmony, looks don't factor into the equation - except of course in their TV commercials and print ads? Then, suddenly they matter.

I have nothing against women who are over 100 pounds overweight. My mother is overweight, and I love my mother. I'm just not sexually attracted to said women.

So, why are those the only women I match to?

Give me one of the girls from the ads!

This weekend I, too, became an ex-member of eHarmony -- my membership expired last Saturday, and I didn't renew.

My two uncontacted "new matches" (both over 100 miles away) still show up on my screen, sans pictures. It will be interesting to see if there is a bunch of activity all of a sudden, as another poster described her experience.

I have to agree with Greg and Weston...a photo *is* really important to ascertain chemistry, much as we hate to admit that. But Weston, I think those girls are models..... :)

Traditional handsomeness is not such a magnet for me.....but a photo of (an otherwise good-looking) guy decked out in a woman's long-haired wig (I kid you not!) is a huge turnoff and tells me things that words in a profile can't describe. :)

Both Tickle Matchmaking and Matchmaker.com have been recommended to me as really good sites...and they both encourage the posting of photos.

Mary in SJ

Reading these comments about dating services launched my rocket before I had a chance to get on. I'm not one for socializing in a bar with ulterior motives for finding someone to spend 25 to 30 (or more years falling in love with!) I was going to give one of these sites a try just for a change....but y'all saved me from the adventure. How often does a man with similar characteristics of Tom Hanks (he's older than me by 20 yrs.) hook up to a site like this one? If you're for real, here I sit, in the Adirondacks ...since my rocket left. Thanks again for stopping me.

just in case...niepcescamera@aol.com

Boy, which Tom Hanks are you looking for? The bachelor party one? The east european one? Or the gay one?

There's also always the hired mob assassin one...

I'd like to have the Tom Hanks who's, uh, unfortunately, uh ..... married to Rita Wilson...
that's the story of my life .....

Andrea

UPDATE...

Sure enough, eHarmony has responded twice after my account expired, explaining how to access the Fastrack option (that wasn't there when it should have been).

My response was that it would have been helpful if they had written while my account was still active. They apologized, citing a huge surge of new members and then offered me two additional weeks. Nice gesture, but since it's proven to be a scam in 30 days I fail to see how 14 more will bring Mr Right -- or even Mr. OK.

Remind me to use that 'huge surge of new members' thing on my next membership drive. You gotta give 'em credit for creative marketing.

Jan

science never gave love so eharmony is simply a capitalistic love venture with "love experts" willing to futher drain your credit card at the alter of matching
just go back to bars

I had more of a point, I guess, than simply being shallow... eHarmony claims looks don't matter, but they don't feature any couples with combined weights over 700 pounds.

The hypocrisy is quite visible - Looks don't matter in a relationship but they sure matter in advertising. So, at eHarmony, we're not going to advertise using couples that are representative of who you are likely to encounter with the actual service.

In a way, advertising is a matchmaking all its own - matching a buyer with a seller. If you are selling, you want to show prospective buyers something they'll be attracted to.

Dr. Neil uses the basic principles of advertising to get our money, but he derides the concept when it comes to helping us find something we want.

What a scam. It is interesting when Michelle says they allowed me to put in a order for the perfect man and then she says quicker and quieter then they delivered the best match and then they show they got engaged..... Also the obnoxious gigling couple where every night is like a sleepover.... Are these people models or real? Dr. Warren seems sleezy. Like a Jimmy Swaggert type.

I've read this forum daily for about 45 days, which
means I was a visitor to this site before the June
10th CNN web site article which featured this site
and thus doubled the number of user entries in
the space of 7 days. I've also been a subscriber
at eHarmony for 35 days, and joined there only
after investigating eHarmony for a couple of
months. In the process I have learned a great
deal of solid information I want to share with
readers of this site. My information (and
recommendations) concern both this web site
and eHarmony, with a few references to
Match.com, which I also have experience in using.

(1) First of all, this site (edatereview), while the
best available user-driven site for such
comments, leaves itself suspect in a couple of
ways. Most people will not have the time to read
every entry back to 2003, but if you do, you will find
*numerous* double entries. All the double entries
have a strong negative assessment and content
regarding eHarmony. You will find entries from
Bob in December with the same paragraph text
as Sally in April. The other strange thing about
this site is that it steers the user towards the
eHarmony forum, but you have to hunt and peck to
find the Match.com forum. This doesn't make a lot
of sense as Match.com is by far the more popular
site. At the very least, links to *both* forums
should be made available on the front page, but
both links are not there.

(2) eHarmony has a good service, but you will
need to go into it keeping two things in mind.
Keep your expectations real. It's difficult to find
that right person in any context and under any
circumstance. The guys and gals who are the
most beautiful, most eligible singles are probably
not using an internet site to find mates. There are
noteable exceptions, though. The other thing to
keep in mind is that finding someone on
eHarmony is going to take some time. Don't sign
up for two weeks, and don't sign up for one
month. On the other hand, DON'T pay a price of
more than $20 per month on average. (more on
that below)

(3) Everyone who creates a profile on eHarmony
(with very few exceptions) is going to receive 4
matches right away or within 48 hours. The
prudent shopper will wait to sign up as a paid
user. (By this, I mean giving your credit card
number, if even only for the 7-day trial period.)
Hold out for some days. You should continue to
receive several matches during that first five or
seven day period. If by the seventh day you still
only have the original proforma 4 matches, then
for whatever reason, your profile is fairly
'unmatchable' and will continue to be so forever.

(4) If it turns out that you are not getting many
matches (see #3 above), then don't sign up. Go
back after a few days and make another profile
with more 'balance' to the 463 responses. If you
are a screaming liberal atheist, become a little
less so. If you are a harsh evangelistic rightist,
tone down the fire and brimstone. Why should
you misrepresent yourself? Because the
answers you provide will have almost nothing to
do with who you are matched with, that's why.
Despite their much-touted procedure to match you
with the 'right' person, your matches will arrive
OVERWHELMINGLY on the balance only of
DISTANCE and AGE and INDIVIDUAL HEIGHT for
the match pair.

(5) I do not recommend eHarmony for short men.
Really. By eHarmony's own admission, they will
match men only with women who are of equal
height OR LESS. (Or conversely, women can only
be matched with men taller than they are.) If you
are a short man, and specifically if you are less
than 5'6" (which is the average height of a woman
in the USA), then you automatically will have half
of the pool of matches available to a very tall man.
This may seem like bizarre Nazi eugenics, but it's
eHarmony's self-professed way of doing
business.

(This is a continuation of the previous post, message
immediately below.)

(6) To give users an idea of number of matches
and their response rate: In my 35 days of paid
membership at eHarmony (40 days since I made
the profile), I have had 114 matches. About 70%
of these are in my area (I selected the 300-mile
radius). Currently 31 open communications, and
about 10 more heading towards that. About 35
have closed or been closed by me for various
reasons along the way. So, overall in my
experience, you can expect a response from
about 50% of total matches.

(7) Don't sign up with eHarmony until you bargain
them down on price! They will deal. I simply
wrote to them (using the 'Contact Us') link and
negotiated via email (yes, it took a few days) until
they agreed to let me have 6 months for less than
$17 per month. And after that, they sent me an
auto-email which allowed me to take an
additional 12 months renewal for a price of less
than $13 per month. The trick is to be patient. It is
human nature to want to dive right in after making
your profile and start talking to people. eHarmony
uses this tendency towards impatience to get a
higher price from people. If you wait, and bargain,
they will either send you emails over time with
better price structures, or they will respond to your
emails to them asking for a discount.

(8) Based on my careful reading of hundreds of
user comments here and elsewhere online, as
well as in talking to numerous friends who are on
eHarmony, you should expect to negotiate a price
of about $20 per month or less; you should get 8
new matches every four days on average; you
should expect to eventually 'get somewhere' with
about 3 of these 8, on average.

(9) Now for the heart of the matter - what sort of
person should you expect to find on eHarmony? I
have seen enough matches to discern that the
site is overwhelmingly visited by professionals.
My match selection criteria includes anyone with a
high school education or above, but every single
one of my 100+ matches has had a bachelors at
a minimum. This MAY have something to do with
eHarmony's match process (in other words,
because I am a professional, their computer may
match me with only people with degrees) but I
would think that out of 114 people at least ONE of
them would have a lesser degree of education.

(10) Be patient - both before you ever give your
credit card info and after you start communicating
with people. Read many of the comments in
these forums to make sure you agree with
eHarmony's business procedures and their site
system before joining. I am very pleased with
eHarmony, and have had 3 dates with incredible
(and beautiful) women. By the filter of probability,
eHarmony blows away all other methods to meet
women for me, because the type of woman I am
looking for is found on eHarmony, quite simply.
I'm willing to give it the time it takes, but I have two
friends who met their incredible, beautiful wives
on eHarmony, and that's a strong personal
testament for me.

Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we set up a website along the lines of "Friendster" and pool all of our "matches" together, and introduce the ones we don't click with to other board users, thus expanding our odds of a "match". Wouldn't that be a gas!

Wow, Mark...you've really done your homework. Glad that Dr. NCW is coming through for you. But I have to agree with Peter's comment about the giggling couple on the eHarmony ad..."every night's a sleepover with my best friend!" Gosh golly, I hope not! :)

Mary in San Jose

After filling out those forms for 40 minutes,I was shocked to find that I was rejected by eharmony. What? No matches for Mikey? Have I become so pathetic that I am now un-dateable? Jeez I dont have THAT many issues. Must have been the low income answer.Thanks Doc.

Michael, that's nothing. I recently filled out my physical attractiveness profile on match.com, and then looked at it, whereupon it tried to match myself with myself. It told me that I was "Not At All" a physical match with myself. Then, while "me" looking at "him" was not all that bad, it told "him" that *I* might not have the overall attractiveness level that "he" is looking for. So, not only am I not a good match for me, myself doesn't even think me is physically attractive, even though I think myself is. I've had a complex for days.

Tunesmith you're killing me. In fact I read this entire thread and haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I like this place.

(This post regards the web site EDATEREVIEW.com , and not museworld. EDATEREVIEW.com is another popular similar forum for comparing Match.com and eHarmony.)

I notice that within 24 hours of my post of June 18th, the owner of this web site has, to his credit, added a 'left pane' link (on all pages) to the Match.com forum, whereas such a link had not existed before. Previously, only a left pane link to the eHarmony forum existed, and one needed to hunt a bit to find a path to the Match.com forum. I find that the owner of this forum is responsive to specific posts, so now if only something can be done about the many 'doubled' or 'cut-n-paste' entries in this eHarmony forum. All of the many cut-and-paste jobs are "bad on eHarmony" and many imply "go with Match.com instead". This site would be much more credible if these double posts were removed, because they obviously do not represent unique visitors to the forum. I do recognize the right of the web site owner to allow any slant he may wish, as it's a private enterprise and he is allowed to receive funding from whomever he wishes. On the recently syndicated press coverage of the site, the owner is cited as Michael Kantor, an information technology project manager in Arlington, Virginia.

Tunesmith - Still laughing my tush off! It's like a woman being rejected by her vibrator - I know a woman whose play-toy died on her!!
I feel your pain.

Andrea

Conned by eHarmony.com: Trying to close my account as of yesterday - have had no reply to inquiries.
A representative will be with you in one moment.
Conned by eHarmony.com: Anyone there?
Conned by eHarmony.com: Trying to close my account as of yesterday - have had no reply to inquiries.
[Chris C. - A representative has joined the session.]
Chris C.: Hello Oh Bilked One,
thank you for contacting eHarmony Live Care. I understand that you would like to close your account. I’m happy to assist you with that, but first I’d like to ask why you have decided to close. Perhaps I can help.
Conned by eHarmony.com: Two things: the people and the price.
Conned by eHarmony.com: Neither you can assist with.
Chris C.: Actually, I believe I can assist you if you would like me to.
Conned by eHarmony.com: Yes, I wish you to assist me in closing my account.
Conned by eHarmony.com: Thank you, that is all I want.
Chris C.: Ok. No problem. One moment please.
Conned by eHarmony.com: ok
Conned by eHarmony.com: I have to go.
Chris C.: Would you like to contact us back at a more convenient time?
Conned by eHarmony.com: No, I want you to cancel my account right now, I have already tried before a couple of times yesterday.
Chris C.: Oh. Ok. I was curious because you stated you have to go. However, since you have time now, I will go ahead and do this for you. One moment please.
Conned by eHarmony.com: It is my friend's birthday and we wish to leave to go and have breakfast in ChinaTown.
Chris C.: Ok. Then it might be better for you to contact us back at a more convenient time. We are open until 9pm pst. Would you prefer to do this?
Conned by eHarmony.com: Nope, I want you to cancel my account right now, I have already tried before a couple of times yesterday.
Chris C.: Ok. No problem. One moment please.
Chris C.: I have reviewed your account and see that you have only been with us for a short time.
Chris C.: I would hate for you to leave us without benefiting from the service. That is why I am able to double your subscription time for free.
Chris C.: Would you be interested in taking advantage of this offer?
Conned by eHarmony.com: nope - it isnt right for me.
Conned by eHarmony.com: I am a Buddhist and these folks are Christians.
Chris C.: Are you aware that you are able to select Buddhists from your MY MATCH SETTINGS?
Conned by eHarmony.com: Chris hon - please just close the account - my reasons are my own. I am a techie - I am nearly 50, I am probably going to become a nun. Best thing is to just close it or I will have to go to my credit card company and close it that way, thank you.
Conned by eHarmony.com: i am not kidding about the nun part.
Chris C.: So did you want me to take care of this for you or have you already contacted your card company?
Conned by eHarmony.com: please close my account with eharmony.com
Chris C.: Ok. No problem.
I have gone ahead and processed that refund for you. Please allow up to 3 business days for the refund to post, and up to two billing cycles to appear on your credit card.
Chris C.: Your confirmation number is: seven digit number
Chris C.: If you’d ever like to reopen this account, feel free to email me directly. We wish you much success in finding someone who’s right for you.
^ NEWEST ^
Chris C.: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

By the way - the info from the post above - it took 30 plus minutes for "Chris C." to close the "temporary 3 day" account. Monday they were closed.

I can not explain how vexing it was - they treated me like a child that just didn't understand what it wanted.

Phooey to those guys! Coming up with any excuse to make the account go over into the chargable time zone.

Join a real activity club in your area, go biking, take a class, visit the ocean, volunteer, if you must abuse your cash, give it away on the street to panhandlers (but in Asia or South America) among the real poor.

I have been looking for some one who cares about the feelings of others If that is you send a message.

This is a great discussion board, I'm glad I found it! Anyway I have a little question about Match.com & "winking". I've had a profile there now for several weeks. I've been a little discouraged by the fact that most of the girls only want someone 6' to 8', even if they themselves are only 5'. I'm only 5'7" so I figure I only stand a chance with the few with "lower" standards. There were a couple girls I seemed to match with, and so I sent them a "wink". That was 4 days ago and no response. Should I try to email one of them, or would that just be self-abuse since they didn't wink back? I thought my pictures were pretty good, and my profile seemed as good as others I've seen. They're both still active - editing their profiles rotating their pictures etc since I winked them. Do girls get flooded with so many winks that they don't pay much attention to them? Myself I have 82 views but never a single wink from any of them, so I don't know. What's the best protocal to follow here? Just wait a little longer, then forget it & move on? Or do girls tend to wait for a guy to be more assertive then just clicking the wink button before they respond? Thanks.

KenCal, I've had mixed experiences with Match.com winking. I've had women take the initiative and send me a wink, as well as about 25% sending back a wink after I've sent one.

I am no longer a member of Match.com, but my recommendation to you is to be a bit more assertive. If you currently have a subscription after sending a wink I'd also send an email letting them know that you're interested. Usually if a woman doesn't want winks she may specify so in her profile. Additionally, you may not get a written response all together because Match.com no longer allows you reply to communications unless you are a paid subscriber.

All the best.

I am so angry at eharmony, or eharmoney. If you search you will find that the first spelling says nothing about christianity, but spell it with the word money and the same site comes up as a Christian one. Iam first furious that I signed up for only one month and got deceived into a year. I have written them 3 times only to be told they will continue to bill me. I have belonged to many dating services online, Yahoo, Match, american singles, emode, and eharmoney is the worst of them all. It makes it impossible to figure out what the hell is going on and how to keep communication open. I knew it was a lousy site after 3 days.

Now I am upset because I had no idea it was a Christian organization until they mailed me the Book "Finding the Love of your Life". A collegue at work saw the words " Focus on the family" and asked me if I knew what that was? I had no clue. I am Jewish and I feel totally deceived.

I have reported then to the Better Business Burough and hope this company gets whats coming to them.

KenCal: Don't feel bad. I "winked" at so many men on Match.com (to no response), I think I have developed a permanent tic in my right eye. The instructions after the wink suggest we take a more "assertive" approach and follow it with an email. Which I did. Mine were articulate, funny and showed interest in the mens' profiles. Still nothing. To date, the only "wink" I have received was from my brother! But I do keep receiving "matches" from Match. Any similarity between what I painstakingly specified as good match material and the "matches" they send me is strictly coincidental. I'm starting to have deep suspicions about ALL matching services now. The only internet forum I'm truly interested in is this one. Never miss a day reading all of you. It's starting to feel like a family.

Pam, you go, girl. Keep us posted on your communications with the BBB re the shysters at Eharmoney.

Andrea

Thanks Andrea and Genesis! I guess that's what I'll do next, try emailing. That makes me feel better, I still wonder what happens on the other end. The curiosity finally got the best of me about the winks, and so I went in to where you can look at your own profile "as the public see's it", and I winked myself! Atleast now I know what it looks like to them. Now it shows 1 wink on my page. Probably the only one I'll get. Atleast it looks better, too bad it's just me. Tonight I got an email announcement that 'these' members had winked at me. For some reason it got me excited for a second but, it was just me. Glad I'm not the only one with that experience though, I was wondering if it was just me - & after all those views I wondering if maybe it was because they were turned off because I wasn't tall enough :-)

I noticed I got a big slew of views on my profile today, most of them occurried this morning. I haven't had that many in one day since I first joined. Are all the views always unique or can one member generate multiple views? I'm up to 90 views now after 82 the previous night. I'm finding it kind of addicting to come home every night to see if I got viewed again ;-)

I was trying to compare domographics men to women in my area, but when I do an otherwise identical search I get the exact same number of results either way. That doesn't really make sense, I'll have to play around with it some more.

Almost forgot to ask, did anyone get a phony email from match.com when you first published your profile? I got one from a supposed member in another state (no picture), but when I went to look up her profile, it said it didn't exist. I thought probably match.com sends those out to trick people to become paying members so they can try to respond? But it did list an actual email address in the body of the message. It showed that it came from love@AOL by match.com. My instincts told me it wasn't real so I just ignored it. Still a mystery though.

Hi all,
After trashing eharmony I do want to put in some positive feedback on Match.com I have met many interesting and decent men over the year and just met a really nice one. Also I do like Yahoo too. Try match doctor cause it's free.
I am determined to expose Neil Clark.
Have a great week end,

Pam

Here's another one for the mix. Anyone ever tried perfectmatch.com? I just joined on a two-for-one deal, but after only a few hours have serious buyers remorse and may quit. Set up a lot like eHarmony with long profile. It was pitched strongly on Lifetime TV.

I haven't seen this mentioned - but another fraud factor on Eharmony is that they never tell you when other members have cancelled.

Think about it - you have a list of all your matches permenently whether open or closed. And no one Ever shows up as cancelled memberships. There is no such thing as cancelled.

You do get all those who supposedly closed and the reason they closed. But clearly that is a lie. Many of those have left EH and they obviously give you phony closed messages.

My membership - days after I cancelled - had a new email. So obviously they left my match as active after I cancelled and the person then thought they could write to me.

For all those people who you never hear back from - they could have cancelled long ago.

that is Fraud - pure and simple.

Sandra

Hi, I need some help. Is there anyone here that has or still have a match.com acount. I want to find this chicks e-mail address but I'm low on funds so I don't have the money for the match.com enter fee. What I'm asking for is if some one that has an acount there get on the site & look up her e-mail address & send it back to me? If you could do that please e-mail me or post on this forum, I'll e-mail you the username.

Thanx

Anyone can give any answer to any question. Online dating sucks, and is a breeding ground for people who are socially disfunctional and basically full of BS. You're better off going to a bar and seeing how they handle themselves in a real life situation. Of course, if their primary interest in life is going to the bar you've got a problem too. Online dating did teach me how to say no though, because there's a lot more rejects than you'd encounter in daily life.

Match.com...don't let 'em suck you in. I signed up to just test the waters and was amazed really at the number of responses in just a few days, but several of them were way beyond my stated age range...a couple of very decent ones though. So, I had to pay up to respond to the choice few. So, I forked over my credit card number last night and today noticed that some apparent church lady had edited my profile!! The statement I had made was not offensive except to a frigid, fearful of her sexuality "church lady" (you know, that character on SNL). It was in no way profane or anything remotely close to that. Even the first guy at Match.com with which I spoke to about it was stunned that it had been deleted from my profile. Only half the sentence was deleted...so it made an impression about me that did not truly represent me. The original statement was a little flirty, with a big dose of joking. The "new-and-improved" statement made ME sound like church lady. Ick.

I was so angry...it had not been 24 hours since I paid them and I wanted my money back! I didn't want any part of ChurchLady.com. Again, the first guy agreed with me, but then the billing dept. refused to refund my money!! They were totally inflexible about all of it...said they could delete anything they wanted from my profile and especially anything that offended ANY other member. So, I'm stuck with them for the next 3 months...but I don't take such things lightly. I'll make sure everyone I connect with knows how much they suck. If you have a good product or service and someone wants to back out of it within 24 hours, there's no reason to be so unreasonable...especially when you're changing the game mid-stream. They've got big-head, monopoly syndrome...the bane of our society... But, history proves that never lasts forever :) Word-of-mouth is a killer ;)

More from Leah... I was just reading others talking about the winking on Match.com. I had gotten several winks and emails before I finally decided to pay up (last nite)...3 or 4 days into it. I couldn't respond with email before that. Just wink.

There was one guy that I especially liked and I winked at him first, and then he emailed me in response. So, mainly because of him, I decided to get a membership, so I could email him back. Last nite after I got the membership, I was eager to email him back, but his profile was GONE!! That totally disappointed me.

It had been a couple of days since he had emailed me in response to my wink, but for a variety of reasons I wasn't able to get the membership for a couple of days. Now, he's out there thinking I wasn't interested :( And, it's left me feeling like maybe he dropped out because he was disappointed that I didn't respond. I was hoping those vipers at Match.com might contact him for me, but fat chance... Oh well, gotta feel that if it was meant to be, it would be.

I think it's great for girls, but horrible for guys because, from what I'm understanding, the ratio of guys to girls is pathetic. I couldn't find any actual statistics but I could imagine it being something like 50+ guys for every girl. I thought that by now, with the ratio of women on the Internet about equal to men, that you'd see the same ratio at the dating sites, but for some reason not many of them seem to go to dating sites while apparently nearly every single guy online does. I've been on Match.com for a month now and not a single wink or response. I've had close to 100 views in that time, but that's as far as it goes for me. Maybe all of them are turned off when they see I'm 5' 7". Funny thing is, I never thought that was such a horrible thing until I started reading online dating profiles.

I have tried eHarmony, match.com, and yahoo personals. I think eHarmony intentionally “rations” the number of matches provided to you to induce you to draw out your membership. As for Yahoo and Match.com, I am 27 and found a lot of people on all site do not respond. However, I initially had a good response from Yahoo, and was willing to be openminded and meet a variety of women, and had about 30 first dates over a 3 month period. What I found was that among the attractive women, all were not paying members of Yahoo (you can respond for free if you are not a member but the writer is a member) and most were going out on about 3-5 dates a week. Most of them were first or second dates, and many of the attractive women had an attitude about them where they made it clear they wanted to be wined and dined. With the guy paying for it, of course. I quickly learned to set coffee dates after normal dinner times as my first dates, and many women were so bold as to question why I didn’t want to meet for dinner. I am convinced many women in their 20's were basically getting free dinners almost every night of the week from meeting people online. Sick.

Leah - my curiosity is peaked. What line in your profile did Match.com censor. I have plenty of tales of woe relating to Match and have decided after 3 months to chuck the whole match service thing. I'll stick with my pets. You guys don't even want to know about the guy I met through Match and dated intensely for two months - until last Saturday. If I refer to him at all in future, I'll just call him Ebenezer. He makes Scrooge look like a philanthropist, and I am no gold digger. Au contraire. I'm through.
Andrea

Hiya' Andrea,

Sorry about your bad deal with "Ebenezer." Hang in there, girlfriend ;) Well, I'm thinking about telling you the phrase that was deleted from my profile.

Oh, and KenCal, you might be right about the men to women ratio...I got close to 300 views within 3 days. Again, there were a lot of "duds" in the winks and emails that I received. But, there were a few that definitely had potential.

My experience on Match is getting very entertaining. It amazes me how guys don't even read my profile; they apparently just look at the photo and then email me saying we're a perfect match, LOL Sooo funny...but also kinda sad.

Anyway, I was so annoyed about being censored, I just kept editing my profile and putting the statement right back in. They took it back out a couple more times. LOL...finally it took. Yeehoo, I won! LOL I love it when I get my way, hee, hee ;) So, you be the judge, here's the line, do you think it's offensive and/or inappropriate in that forum? (Please, no church-lady responses...I know, I know, sex is bad, LOL)

I wrote, "I've always said I want a guy that looks like and has a heart like Jesus...but kinda morphs into the other guy in the bedroom ;)" That's it verbatim. They kept deleting this part, "...but kinda morphs into the other guy in the bedroom." So, the statement was left as, "I've always said I want a guy that looks like and has a heart like Jesus ;)" ...which came across very church-lady-ish in my opinion...and seemed especially stupid with the winky left in.

Leah

Leah, I can't believe they censored that portion of your profile. However, if you think that Jesus looked like Jeffrey Hunter in King of Kings, I'd hate to disappoint you. No Semitic person on earth, either then or now, looked like Jeffrey Hunter. I could elaborate on this - Discovery Channel did a program on the "real" Jesus, and addressed in scientific detail what he probably looked like. Imagine Jackie Mason with dark hair. Anyway, I digress. They should never have tampered with that line in your profile. It goes back to our 1st Amendment rights.
Good luck on Match. I hope you have better results than I did.
Andrea

Andrea, Leah et al -

I'm definately never going back to EH. I checked out Match.com today (has been years since I've visited there). Could anyone give me a quick primer on how it works? Do I have to take a test and be matched? Or can I just write to whoever I want to write to?

I saw some seemingly likeable guys at first glance... any cautions?

Sandra

Andrea

Do you have your pic posted on Match? I wonder if men don't respond if you don't have a pic?

-S

Sandra,
Exactly as you I abandoned eHarmony and decided to try Match.com during the last five days and it has been years since I last went to their web site. So far, so very good. I'm in my fifth day. I wanted to post here to encourage to sign up only after finding the link for 30% off, which will give you six months for $45.99 .
Thanks! Robert
P.S. If you do not find the link for it while perusing eHarmony, post here and I will try to describe how to find it. This weekend it seems to be hidden behind the "Sign up now for 3 free days" banner ad on their site.

Sandra - Yes, I have pictures on Match.com. They are under user name Munchkin705, and if I do say so myself, I don't exactly look like chopped liver. As a matter of fact, quite attractive enough for all normal purposes - and a lovely profile to boot. I'm, as I previously mentioned, not interested in meeting anyone on a matching service. I've been burned too badly, and have more or less crawled into my cave to take care of my wounds - and my anger. But still love you all.

Andrea

Boy, were match.com, Yahoo! and the rest an eye opener once you finally got a sense of what was going on and put some serious time into it, with absolutely zero results.

First off: I can say that of all the intelligent, non-raunchy emails I sent on match.com to women I found attractive... I received not one response. Zero. I'm not bad-looking and I can write well, so I thought perhaps well, I guess I'm not that good looking (all of a sudden). Then I spoke to others who had used the site.

If you're a decent looking woman you can expect to receive thousands of views, and hundreds of messages, winks or what not on match.com. If you are a guy, you should prepare yourself for the fact that the men-to-women ratio seems to be anywhere from 10 to 1 to 15 to 1 to even higher.

The other thing I heard is that many women will have free profiles on match.com, but will not pay for the membership to communicate with you, which makes writing them useless.

I tried every tack: careful targeting, the shotgun theory of literally sending out tens of emails in one sitting--nothing worked. And I'm not fat, old, overweight, married or boring.

Yahoo! was another problem. It's been on Yahoo! that I've been sent an "icebreaker" (the free message for non-members which is pre-written more than once, from a profile that turned out to be fake and merely a front for a pay porn site. Some even replied to my notes! So obviously somebody is actively trolling the board using front profiles to spam unsuspecting guys on the site with emails that lead literally... to nowhere.

The other thing about Yahoo! is the utter lack of turnover and new faces. Sure, you get a few new ones a week, but it's not a lot. Seeing that you're already emailed all the ones you're interested in and received no response, expect to see those same pictures over and over again.

And again: the guy to girl ratio is ridiculous, apparently. The only date I managed to secure in about four months on many sites was at matchmaker.com, which turned out badly because while we conversed easily, she was considerably heavier than her pictures suggested (she listed herself as "height/weight proportionate"). I made sure to have current (within weeks) photos on my profile, so I felt somewhat betrayed when in person she turned up looking quite different.

Also not even worth the time were dreamdates.com (man, it is like the same 20 women and I swear 15 of them are fake profiles) and dreammates.com (similar problem). I've not tried eharmony.com, but I am through with online "dating," I'd rather take my chances randomly at a bar or wherever than this excercise that seems to me the cyber version of the strip club: merely a device to relieve thousands of men of their money.

Cheers!

Tony - Insofar as Match.com is concerned, you obviously haven't been reading we females' comments on this forum. You said words to the effect that if you're a "decent-looking woman", you will be inundated with winks, emails, hugs, kisses, accolades, blessings from above, etc. from males of the persuasion on Match.com. That is just a plain load of cow pucky. (Either that or I do, indeed, look like chopped liver. Not!) I was on Match for three months, and just like you, sent oodles of intelligently written, funny emails to prospective matches, indicating particular aspects of their profiles that were of interest to me. And just like you, with very few exceptions, NADA by way of response. Not even the courtesy of responding to say I look like their Aunt Ming-Toy Shleffstein, and they never liked her, so ta-ta to you, baby.
This all begged the question: what is wrong with me? I have come to conclude, nothing. It's the system that is entirely bogus.
As for Yahoo! I can't comment, but Match also repeats the same male faces w/profiles ad nauseum.
Tony, sweetie, I feel your pain. We all feel your pain. Lavishing love on one's pets, and receiving it back ten-fold, is an alternative to think about. I'm not quite ready for that Buddhist convent in Tibet.

Andrea

True story: Two gals who know each other put their profiles on E-Harmony. They are both looking for completely different types of men. Yet they both receive the same man's profile as a match. Clever marketing scheme. Bring in a Doctor to facilitate a sense of professionalism and the element of a psychological profile to give an impression of modern science. These sites are no better than the faith healers who prey on the sick and downtrodden. So what I suggest is to sneak a clue to your e-mail address in your profile. Match and Yahoo are the toughest to do this with. Does anyone know how the screening process works on Match.com? Is it edited by computer, human or a bit of both?

Andrea and Robert

Thanks for your comments. I'll look for the discount - did see the 3 days free.

Andrea I wonder if they leave up old profiles of people who have long ago gone away like they do on EH?

I hate writing profiles and have never been brazen enough to put my photo up - have preferred to mail to those I choose.. But will give it a try later this week and report back on results.

I do love my quality time with my pets but.. hate having the summer pass with no one to do fun stuff with..... can't take my cats to concerts or films with me. Alas.

sandra

Andrea: I'm not saying that only men don't have success, I hear you. What I can't fathom is who actually IS having success with these things.

Not to be too conspiratorial, but I would love to pull back the curtain and see what's really "real" about these sites; i.e., who's "really" on, who "really" exists, etc.

Another thing about match.com: I took all those surveys--the in-depth, detailed surveys about personality and personal attraction (that one was weird). Supposedly, this would make it even more of a "match" experience. Problem was, anytime you came upon a profile and wanted to compare--not one woman I had come across had filled out any of them, making it a fruitless exercise.

But hey: lesson learned. There's a hell of a lot of photos on these sites that are obviously a little "too" professional--ringers--but even one on Yahoo! that looked like a regular shot taken by a friend... that turned out to be a front for a pay-for-porn site.

I tend to agree with clever1 that these sites are the Internet version of the faith healer, fortune teller, or weight loss pill, LOL.

Either that, or I am the most hideous monster to come down the pike in Internet dating history, which I doubt... LOL

I thank Tony for reading my comments and affirming the faith healer comparison. I do not mean to imply these sites aren't worth a try. All things considered, the internet is no better or no worse than any other way of meeting a perspective life mate. It is just different. There is still a social stigma attached to it for some. Once, this same stigma was placed on those who met in bars. Now, when you disclose to someone that you met your current beau or belle in a pub, it is almost thought of as normal. You can sense their relief as you indicate that you didn't initiate the relationship on the web. This preconceived notion will change as it has already thanks in part to sites like e-Harmony. While I do not believe that e-Harmony can bring people together any more successfully than any other site, e-Harmony is changing the mindset with it’s advertising. I have read on another site however, that e-Harmony really caters to moral majority beliefs and Christian fundamentalist values. They are certainly not announcing this on any of its television, radio or print ads. If true, justifying this deceptive practice as a way to bring in the bucks smacks of religious hypocrisy. But I believe the web is a legitimate arena in which to find real love. People can be just as sincere or insincere on the street, in a bar, at a speed dating session or even in church. Assuming people are genuine on the net and want meaningful relationships, the next stage is to write an upbeat, optimistic profile free from any derogatory remarks about the opposite sex. Like, “Done kissing frogs” or “Too many shrews to tame”. We attract what we fear.

My 6 month subscription to eHarmony is expiring in 3 days. I've closed out all my remaining matches and set it so I won't receive a flood of matches on the last day.

All in all, I'm satisfied with the process. Not happy nor sad but I think I got my money's worth. Out of about 80 matches, I reached Open Communication with about 7, traded phone calls with 2 and dated one for a few weeks before we settled on being good friends.

My ego did take some bruising wondering why someone would close me out for some lame reason (after all, I'm a pretty decent guy). Even after all that, I'm not sure what my matches were looking for. Actually, I'm not all that sure what I was looking for.

I'm guessing that a lot of the people I matched on eHarmony were curious about the whole online dating thing and not completely serious about meeting someone.

I'd say about 1/2 of all my matches never responded and I had to close them out. I'd say about 1/3 actually went to the trouble to close me out.

The reason why I'm encouraged is that I did fare better on eHarmony in 6 months than I did in real life for the past 2 years (sad I know).

I'll admit, I've some issues with my self image and shyness and I was curious how I would fare in a medium where I could hide behind a flattering photograph.

When given the chance, I did feel I was able to present myself as well as I could given the limitations of meeting someone online.

It's easy to get distracted by the novelty and anonymity of online dating. I've fantasized about easy, quick sex (admit it, you have too) or playing the role of a self-confident Casanova.

What I think is most valuable is what eHarmony taught me about myself; how vain and judgmental I can be. It's hard work being a good person who takes people as they come and I know I'm not always up to task.

Right now I'm working on applying the good qualities I discovered to real world situations. It's all me, afterall.

I was urged by a friend into eharmony. I got a match right away. I held off a decision to go ahead because of the $50, and the insistent spiel that it takes a long time - yea, $250 worth.

I went ahead registering with my credit card and did the next step - what was it - yes, the five questions. I waited four days.

On the fifth day, eharmony says my match has put me on HOLD.

Whoa@

Something sticky in Katmandu

Cancel! Bing!

I don't live in a place where a match would be often and I purposely put some distancing things in my profile like I am obsessed with the Grenada Revolution and looking for someone only in my town and I had lost a child and I am in my 60s - hehhheh - pretty distancing, doncha think, the treasure that I am.

My Gideon could of put in my name, Grenada and our town into Google and gotten my website with my email address on every page.

I suspect eharmony did not really have a match for me, then put me on HOLD while I would get past the 7 days. Then I was to lose dear Gideon and wait for months or so for the next match.

I could be wrong, but the lady has instincts that have served her well.

Hello Girlfriends - Not to offend you men out there, but girlfriends, would someone please say something nice about men? Lately I've been feeling the milk of human kindness hemorrhaging from my soul.

I just wanted to vent. I'll help you out when you need it, too. Thank you.

Andrea

Andrea,

Lemme see ... here's something nice about men: they generally don't have hidden agendas, and they're way better than women at letting go of the bad stuff and moving on; they don't seem to have much capacity for holding simmering grudges for decades. They are no better and no worse than us women, for the most part, only different.

Well, that's a big generalization, and therefore flawed by its nature, but it's borne out by my own experience.

anima

Men: Can reach stuff off high shelves, and sometimes know what is wrong with your car and how much a gargage is likely to charge you to fix it. Sometimes have very pretty legs (or maybe curly chesthairs). Generally are straightforward about what they want and are happy when they get it.

It can be SO hard to find the one for you, but don't get too down on men, they are usually pretty good people. (Imagine a world of only women! Eek!)

Hi Anima and Koriandr - Thanks for your comments. Sorry to say, Koriandr, my experiences with 2 relationships in the past year are in TOTAL conflict with your "Generally (men) are straightforward about what they want and are happy when they get it." I could write a book on that sentence alone. Sorry to sound so down, but what is a pessimist but an optimist with experience? In the past I was always the person who firmly believed in storing one's baggage in the attic, but it reaches a certain point, when the baggage overflows the attic and plops on your head.

I've enjoyed all the comment about eharmony. I was very suspicious of them from the start but did sign up for the three month 49. deal. I got very few matches after first joining and complained quite loudly to "customer service" and got canned answers about how busy and successful they were-I suggested they were a scam if they were signing up more people than they could manage. I did get a few more matches then. My favorite was with a 62 yr old man( I'm 50) that wanted my *weight* and height the first communication we had-I made a joke about it and he responded if I couldn't be "completely honest and open in a relationship" I wasn't for him. . I did get 15-20 matches- out of those maybe one or two were mildly interesting-then I got a flurry of "matches" just before my 3 months ended. AFTER it ended, besides the numerous ads from them to renew, they sent me more matches than I ever got in the three paid months- for Dr.'s and attorneys and within 30 miles of me. I guess they thought I was dumb and desperate and would just renew again to talk to these new matches. A CHRISTIAN scam-that's my opinion.

Anima, Andrea, Koriandr, and all: As I've reported in the past, I am slightly over 50, a lawyer, with kids in high school and college. I am nearing the end of my soulmate search with Dr. NCW---about two weeks to go. There have been a number of matches (at least thirty). One turned into a phone acquaintanceship, but he was talking about "our relationship" after the second phone date, during which we talked about our diet and exercise regimes, and our favorite recipes for cooking fish. To be fair, I am coming out of a two-year relationship (someone I met in three weeks on Matchmaker. com) and I am trying to follow my instincts a bit better, so bolting is the first thing that comes to mind when exchanges seem to not pass the "is he for real" test.

Good things about men---I have several very close male friends. I love their company and the "chemistry" we have (whatever that is) as sidekicks and mentors. In romantic contexts, though, my take is that men are less than candid much of the time. I definitely would not characterize them as direct. My experience has been a short parade of SO's that are passive/aggressive and not really wanting to share a life, though they can model it for a while, and maybe even try to get there.

I must say that a lot of the men I read on this website seem very direct, indeed, and refreshingly smart and funny. It is a nice, and reassuring, surprise.

I probably won't renew with the good doctor and his soothingly pink backdrop, but I agree with those that say this means of soulmate searching is probably no better or worse than any other. It's a matter of statistics and probability, I do think.

I am interested in male comments that there are more males seriously looking for "mates or dates" than females doing the same. I hear this from other men, including my brother in L.A. That is not my perspective at all---I am wondering if there is an age differential? What are your thoughts?

Jen

Hi Andrea and all...hmmmmm, trying to think of good things about men, Andrea. I gotta be honest, the first thing that comes to mind is their bodies, LOL ;)

I've always preferred the company of men over women, but I think that's mainly because most guys tend to treat me like I'm something special and they kinda cater to me...which actually amazes me. I'm a cute little redhead, but I'm no model or anything. I have to admit, even though I have a strong feminist inclination, I love it when a guy hurries to open the door for me :) Oh, and that reaching stuff on the top shelf is right on, LOL...and fixing the car...and squishing spiders...

I've had a male roommate (platonic) for several years and he can be all kinds of sweet when he wants to be...and funny and playful. My "Mr. Right" has gotta be funny and playful...I mean, what else ya' got when the looks go?? LOL

Today I was all sweaty on the treadmill and my roommate picked up a small fan and was cooling me off with it. We both started laughing and he just kept doing it. He's such a sweetie sometimes. He popped some popcorn a little bit ago and just brought me a bowl of it without my asking or anything (we've been friends for many years). Little thoughtful things like that are what I like in a guy.

But, like most of the guys I meet, he's very emotionally unavailable...I tend to meet Mr. Spock over and over again. But, I think we meet the guy that most matches our own "energy." So, that kinda tells us what WE need to be working on before venturing out to find "the one." I know I still have lots of work to do on myself (but I'm getting eager; hence, the Match.com "adventure")...but, I do believe that when we're ready to meet that special one, he'll be there. I think it's important to just know that and be patient... You're idea about cuddling our pets until then may be just the thing to do, Andrea, hee, hee :)

Leah

Jen - What are "SOs"??

Leah,I was starting to get interested in your roommate(!) right up until the moment you said he's emotionally unavailable. C'est domage!! I attract that type by the carload. Ditto on your preference for the funny and playful. (You have to get out of bed sometime, right?) It's requisite for any of my relationships, be they friends, lovers, etc. Even my dog and 2 cats have terrific senses of humor. Must have acquired it living with me.

Andrea

Here's my two cents on eharmony and match.com. I moved to Tampa last year and didn't know anyone so I joined match.com. It was a waste of time so after one year I cancelled my membership. At least in Tampa, the profiles (both men and women) tended to be more about how often people worked out and how much they loved the Bucs. Absolutely no substance.
I joined eharmony about a month ago. I've received about 10 matches. Many of the men are 15 years older than me or no one has responded after the first stage of communication. I'm hoping it's not a waste of time. We shall see.

I was considering joining eHarmony, but after reading most of the posts on this site I have decided not to. I currently live in Oklahoma City and the dating scene for a single 40 year old Hispanic male like myself does not exist in the local area. Thanks for helping my save my $$$.

I was thinking about trying e-Harmony, but after reading your comments, I'm certainly having second thoughts...

I noticed a friend at work displaying a photo of her new boyfriend, when I asked her where she met him, she told me through e-Harmony. She said she had dated one other match, but he didn't pan out.
I asked her how long the search took, she told me about a year.

I'm a widow, so I thought that maybe I was ready to date someone, maybe this would be a safe way, but after what I have been reading, I'm having second and third thoughts! I haven't dated anyone since my husband, years ago and we met the old fashioned way.

Thanks for the info. guys!

I've put up a webpage at http://b54.net/onlinedating talking about my own online dating experiences over the last two years, along with some thoughts on why the whole process Just Plain Doesn't Work for many of us. It's written from a geeky guy's perspective (though I've had quite a few conversations with women who have had similar experiences)... I'm curious to hear what others think.

Leah! I GOT THE CHURCH LADY TOO! Did you get a note from match.com that said you were basically a sexual troll and the suggested you go to altmatch.com? It would have been funny if they had not frozen my profile for a week while I hashed it out with them.

My profile had only two things I could even GUESS would freak them out. First I made my title "I'm ready to be tied down" And then made my first line "or maybe just tied up" ;) I thought I was making a clever, okay perhaps slightly sexual *GASP* joke about being tied down, you know in a relationship.... The only other thing I said was, " what's the deal with everyone being so into hiking? I mean every profile mentions a love for hiking! Is this code for downloading porn off the Internet or something?" Okay so maybe that was a bit over the top, but it reflects my personal humor and though perhaps it could be seen as "in poor taste" and not something one would say in church, but it certainly doesn't warrant me being called a sexual troll looking for multiple sex partners and sent to another site does it?

I would up here looking for information on how exactly match.com's program sorts its photo gallery. I do not show up when a simple search on me is done for my zip code unless I put my specific age on there. I wonder if I have been marked as someone to filter to the bottom of the deck since I spent a week arguing with the customer care people over my profile?

I am about to change it again. I am not having much luck. Also my page view counter has been stuck on 27 since I had this arguement with them. I know it has been viewed because I have gotten a wink and an email since then.

match.com seems to have pretty vanilla standards. I can understand screening out the sexual perverts etc. But I feel very restricted on what I can and cannot put in my "about me" section.

Nilla2004 - Is all this really worth the aggravation? These matching services are such total shit. Get a dog if you don't already have one. (I mean the 4-legged kind.) Or a cat, or a gerbil, or a pet rock. (Do pet rocks still exist?) Or a vibrator? Just some suggestions.

Andrea

Please I want you to delete my profile

Well, I've had the same experiences on eHarmony...no responses, "hold" or "closed for no apparent reason, or similar matches: First, it was all professors or law students, then came the onslaught of teachers and social workers.

(sigh)

They got me for month number two, but I'm calling it quits after that. At first I thought there was something wrong, but apparently most here think the same thing. Misery loves company!

In other news: I'm 6'0, 195#, blonde/blue, 33 yrs old guy. I like cooking, tennis, sex, skiing, cats, reading, drinking in pubs, and all sorts of cool stuff. I work in a microbrewery, have a wicked sense of humor, and follow current events.

I'm probably a real catch, so get me before eHarmony tricks me into another month.

Oh, and LEAH from 7/15....I LOVE cute little redheads. And I like to squish spiders.

(blush)

Chris

Hey guys,

If you like personality tests, check out the one on True.com (formerly "True Beginnings"). I did it and it was uncannily accurate. The test even sussed out aspects of my personality that I thought were *so* well-hidden! :)

It's far superior to the bogus test on eHarmony, and without the religious spin.

Mary in San Jose

Daniela - Huh?

Uh-oh, Andrea used profanity, LOL ;) ... You better watch out Andrea or me and Nilla will sick the Match.com church-lady on ya', hee, hee!

Nilla! OH - MY - GAWD! LOL... Are you kidding me...they actually called you a "sexual troll"?!Unbelievable. Oh, this is getting fun, isn't it? I can see the headlines now..."Stunning Sexual 'Trolls' Drop Kick Match.com's Geeky Church-Lady Groupies" LOL Oh, I'm fired up now...who the "heck" do these people think they are?? Geez, Nilla, I hope lots and lots of unsuspecting Match prospects read our posts.

Your experience sounds sooo much like mine! My "Number of Views" also froze! It seems like it was on the same day that I called them and complained about them editing my profile. It froze on 294 (I think that was something like Day 3) and hasn't changed since...and I've continued to get lots of winks/emails.

I've emailed them about it a couple of times and they write back saying they're working on it. AND, I also suspected they were messing with my profile... I had been getting some pretty decent responses and then all of sudden I started getting guys who had pics that looked like mug shots...and worse. I dunno, maybe we're just paranoid, hee, hee ;)

Anyway, it's comforting to know that I wasn't the only sex fiend, LOL ;) But, I think I'd be headin' down to Texas (where they're apparently located) to drop kick me a church lady if I'd gotten the crap you received in that email.

Oh, oh, get this. I heard that all these popular dating sites are owned by ONE COMPANY (including eHarmony...and altmatch.com). I don't know if it's true, but a friend told me they are all owned by friendfinders.com. Hmmmm....so, I'm thinking the infamous church-lady was just trolling for "naughty ones" to fill up the membership at THEIR naughty site, hee, hee. So, maybe they aren't church-lady after all...maybe they're just low-life, money-grubbing vipers :) Ya' think? Hee, hee.

Leah

Hi Christopher, *eyes batting angelically* Um, pay no attention to that raving wild woman in the post above, that's my evil twin, hee, hee ;)

You sound all kinds of yummy to me, Chris, and I'm especially liking that you cook, but alas I have this no-drinking requirement (darn!) ;) I left my "partying" days back in my twenties and I just don't like being around it anymore. Besides, I'm probably a bit above your age requirement...passed the big 4-0.

Oh, but I really like that cute little blush thing you do. Be still my heart... ;)

Leah

Well okay they did not say "sex troll" but it was IMPLIED lol this is the exact quote:

Dear nilla2004:

We’re currently unable to publish your profile because of the following criteria:

· Seeking multiple partners
· Seeking discreet heterosexual relationships
· Seeking sex only relationships

And Andrea, I am really starting to think it isn't worth it. I just put up a snarky bitter rant in my profile. LOL I just don't care anymore. I've met one guy that I thought might be a good match for me. However we got stuck somewhere around me trying to describe my level of fatness while he was subversely googling up pics of 20 somethings in string bikinis. Apparently he is unable to committ to meeting for a beer up the street one afternoon until he can accurately assess my level of fatness. I suppose spending half an hour having a beer with me and determining for himself if I a too fat for him is too much of a risk. I finally found a pic that makes me look sufficiently fat. lol. I wouldn't want some poor unsuspecting schmo to end up having a cup of coffee or a beer with someone fatter than he expected. I also changed my physical description to "full figured" from "curvy". I just don't know what else to do to appease these people.

I don't think it matters, I am firmly convinced that match has my profile buried so deeply that no one ever sees it anyway.

Which reminds me, I need batteries.

Nilla2004 - Funny! Maybe we gals should think about purchasing some stock in the Duracell company.... Have you noticed lately that we seem to be losing a bunch of men on our weblog? Come on men, come play with us. We do love you, when all is said and done.

Leah-

Well, thought I'd try!

Sinc.

Chris

mmmm Christopher is on the good name list.

"bad names" are any that start with the letter R particularly Richard and Robert.

Anyone else have a good name bad name list? no? okay I'm weird. I blame lack of sex. Can I say sex here?

That's 50 lashes with a wet noodle, Nilla, for saying s - e - x ... I'm doing the church lady dance now :)) (Hey, don't go thinking of anything kinky you can do with a wet noodle, LOL...)

Wow, Nilla, there's something else we have in common...the R thing. If you ever meet a guy named Rodger, run!!!!!!!!!!!! Eeeeoooo, ick, bleck!

Geez, I still can't believe they sent you that email based on the statements you indicated above. I can't imagine what you must have said to them...maybe something like WTF??? LOL

Chris - Thanks for trying ... I think you're a sweetie ;)

Leah

Just finished eHarmony test. LOL - It appears I too am one of the 20% that are "unmatchable".

If I weren't so insensitive, I might take it personally......NOT.

That's wise, Rikki. Apparently, eHarmony thinks me bland enough to accept me as a member, but it actually has found me to be pretty unmatchable. At least, you kept your money!

I'm nearing the end of my six month deal with them (I posted way up this blog as I was preparing to join), and in that amount of time, I have gone on one disappointing date with a very dull man with a bad combover, and got to the open communication state with one other who looked promising, and then refused to respond to my messages when I accidentally stumbled over the fact that he suffers from post-traumatic shock disorder. (I wasn't pressing him for information, in fact I tried to downplay it, but I think he just couldn't handle the fact that he told me.) I closed several that were such horrible mismatches that it was almost laughable, and some closed me for reasons unknown.

All in all, not a stellar performance. Um, if I have forgotten to mention it, eHarmony sucks.

I'm now exploring the true.com site ... wasn't bowled over by their personality profile (some inaccuracies), but it was a whole lot better than eHarmony's. It seems to be a different crop of men there, too, although somebody ought to counsel them on the advisability of changing their filthy undershirts or putting in their teeth before posing for their beefcake pictures. Sigh.

On the other hand, I may just jump on Andrea's bandwagon and forget about the whole thing. My life is pretty good the way it is, I like myself, and I am surprised to find I don't care all that much.

anima

I've seen claims that the "unmatchable" thing from eHarmony means their personality profile sez you're depressed. That sorta fits, as their test has a number of questions that resemble ones I've seen in depression screening inventories.

Whether this is a reasonable thing to reject people on is questionable, especially as their personality test is so lousy it doesn't really mean anything... whatever, it's their scam, and likely it makes some of them feel better to have some "ethics".

Just be happy you're not getting ripped off.

I agree with Andrea: this matching stuff is shit. From now on, the only women I'm dating are ones I meet and get to know in some other way first.

I am interested in comments about how you approach the fatness question. I am about twenty pounds above ideal weight. I've had kids and am slightly over 50. On e-harmony, the form question says "excessive overweight" but the answer is something like "I can't stand anyone who is overweight." What does that mean?
C.

Carmen, I've decided to stop even bringing up the fatness question. "hi i'm fat" was not winning me any hot dates... lol. the solution is to take a very acurate full length photo of yourself and include it in your profile. I will NEVER bring it up again.

On the other hand the only decent guy I met on match so far got scared off. I am starting to think I am a sexual troll lol. NO really HE was the one making all the comments and while we were on the subject, I just happened to er mention that I preferred a dominant male.

he basically said. OMG I AM A GREAT BIG PUSSY YOU WILL HATE ME. and left.

this was the biker dude.

the biker dude I really wanted to me.

the biker dude that is like a survivalist and collects WMD.

and I frightened him by saying " I want a dominant guy"

I must have had a really good sex life in a previous existence.

re: the fatness question

20 lbs over is no big deal & not worth worrying about. Most guys don't care about 20 lbs, especially if its proportioned well. I don't care about 20 lbs, and would prefer that as opposed to "too skinny".

I joined e-harmony 4 or 5 months ago. Unfortunately I sort of blew it cause I joined right before I got really busy with work and some other issues....and ended up not responding to the women who messaged me. Now that I looked back in there, I see they cancelled me out and are gone :( But I did got a lot of matches and its not e-harmony's fault that I didn't follow up.

For what its worth, it seems like a pretty good thing to me.

To continuing soulmate searchers:

I am profoundly glad to hear that "fatness" is not always an issue---I see so much commentary from men on this site (e-h) implying that they are looking for women, presumably in their age range, who are not carrying even a modest weight gain. I have found more than once, anyway, that someone who did not initially seem physically attractive to me became visually outstanding over time. So this business of first takes on photos is far less important, as far as I am concerned, than other things.

I am nearing the end of this partnership with Dr. Clark and his crew. Though about 40-45 matches were sent my way over a three-month period, I closed most of them because it was clear there was not a good chance of long-term love.(There are miracles, of course, but I don't ride motorcycles, play golf, or do extreme sports. I also am not very religious, so when guys say their favorite book is one about God playing out in our lives, it was probably not meant to be, I figure.) I got closed out also, always a brutal reality. At times, it felt like an on-line chess game.

I have called a match closed within a week, usually, if there is no overture many times), or if I make an overture and there is no response (also many times). There have also been times that we get to third base, or so, and I file the final note. Oddly, several guys do not respond at that point. These are individuals that I close out within three days or so.

I would be interested in your thoughts and comments on how long is too long? Weeks? Hours?
Also, I would love to know if anyone has theories and experiences to share on how one decides who is of interest and who isn't?

Best hopes for us all,
Carmen

Carmen, initially I waited about two weeks before closing unresponsive matches (that's eHarmony's advice)... but after going through about 50 matches who never responded I decided a week was sufficient, as only once did someone reply to me after a week. Given the way eHarmony tries to scam their customers by dragging out this process as long as possible, it's better to close unresponsive matches sooner rather than later.

The biggest problem with waiting too long is that the process then becomes excruciatingly slow. If it takes the other person over a week to reply to each message, you're potentially looking at spending months trying to get to real communication--only to find out they don't like XXX about you and they close it out after 3-4 messages. Since you pay by the month, it's not worth it.

If you follow eHarmony's advice, you get a maximum of 20 matches a month. (That's assuming none of your matches ever respond or close communications; that turned out to be true for over 90% of my matches, so that's probably pretty close to accurate.) By cutting down the initial wait time from two weeks to, say, one week, you double the potential response rate while only eliminating a *very* small group of respondees (those who take over a week to reply).

I agree that if they mysteriously "stop responding" after a while, it's definitely not worth waiting more than 4-5 days. Sure, sometimes "shit happens"--but if they actually cared, they would've put you on hold or whatever. Again, I found waiting longer never actually helped.

(I once spent four months trying to get to know someone through one of the meat-market online dating services... it would take her an average of three weeks to reply to emails. She couldn't understand why I was getting annoyed, and I eventually gave up.)

There's two ways of looking at a potential match: "glass is half-empty" and "glass is half-full". I am a "glass is half-full" person, and only rejected potential matches when it was blatantly obvious it wasn't going to work. I typically ignored photos and concentrated more on whether the "about me" stuff was filled out and reasonably sane. (But at the same time, not having a photo at all is a negative.) However, my gut feeling is that men tend to respond more often than women, so that might change things.

The other big warning sign for me was if she was looking for "chemistry"--unless she was local to me. Online dating, and especially long-distance online dating, is just not the place to be looking for "chemistry" because most of the guys you meet won't have it. To spend weeks getting to know someone only to meet in person and find out they're not interested because "there's no chemistry" is just a waste of time for both of you.

I think the vast majority of the matches I got through eHarmony were really lousy, and I'm not convinced they had *anything* to do with my "personality type" or whatever. They all seemed to fall into certain jobs... first it was nurses, then social workers, then bankers, then... blah. It's an amazing scam, and I'm sure a very profitable one.

E Harmony: I have not been a member of eHarmony for long, but I found it strange that so many "religious fanatics" were matched with me.
I have been sent quite a few matches.I wait until eHarmony offers a promtion, and then I take the 3 for 1.Their profiles seem to be religous extremeists. I have just started communication with someone, but he does not have a picture posted. I also find it odd that you don't get to edit the age preferences. The guys in their early 40's close the communication immediately. Based on the lame exuses they list, I am too old. I'm 46. I get it.
I will let my membership expire after this term.

Hi Carmen,

I'll offer my thoughts as best as I can..although understand not an expert on the subject.

How long is too long? Why close anyone at all? Who cares if they don't get back to you. If you've already decided to not take it personally, then why bother worrying about whether they get back to you or not? Anyways, I think when people join for free then they get 10-20 matches and they have to keep closing matches to get more. So that may be part of it & why worry about it anyways? For me, I never close anyone because a) its sort of mean b) its not necessary

I think for us guys, even if we think we look pretty good, its better not to make a picture available to all, because in a strange way its a challenge to a woman to deride you. She knows "everybody has seen the picture" and somehow you're still there:) Let her read about you and wonder what you look like for a bit. Then if you show her the pic later, you can be more of an undisovered gem.

For women probably the same thing applies. If you're beautful, the guy might figure he can't get you in this sort of forum. If not, then they might cancel you right there. LOL, something about sitting at the home computer with all these women being "introduced" can make one feel like a Master of the Universe for a few short minutes.

What else can I say? Only thing is on those "must haves" one of the statements is "partner must fulfil sexual desires" or something. Honestly, if someone DOESN'T have that one checked, then I'm gone. I'm not a perv, but I dont want someone who's frigid, and not having that one checked is a warning sign.

Over and out,

bt

Okay, this opens up another tender spot in the search for an on-line honey. Pictures. I hear from those I "communicate" with (beaming up?)that they are gently concerned about seeing a picture. Because my work is fairly high security and my privacy is important, I do not post a picture. In addition, idealistically speaking, I do not want to be part of that array. It is not unreasonable to want to have a general idea of someone's looks, but at age 45-55 are we really so self-delusional that we think we can pick someone out of a photo-op lineup and find complete bliss? Lots of us are folks who were the prom queen or poet king in our 20's. I'm looking for someone my own age, and I don't expect that to be the case at this time, nor is it what I want at all, in any event. I want someone to come home to, discuss bizarre events of the day, and who thinks many things are comic and interesting, as I do. So I don't do pictures at the outset.

Interestingly I was with someone three years after meeting him on the Internet. He confessed later that he was uncomfortable meeting me without a picture. What it said to me is that he had substance and actually wanted some kind of life. Neither of us was disappointed for a long time, though dogs and kids and to marry or not to marry are so often the deal-breakers.

I think the thoughts on this website are so great; they are heartening and comforting and educative. IF I leave Dr. NWC (or NCW?) am I disqualified?
---Carmen

To those still seeking the muse and a flesh-and- blood soulmate:
I have been on e-harmony for about three months---I am a mother of four kids in their teens and twenties, divorced but friendly for about the past four years, a doctor/attorney, out of a relationship for about six months that I thought would end in a long retirement together, so I am now stepping back up to the plate. My experiences on this website are as follows:

Counting today, I see that I have closed 60 matches. Of all of the men sent my way, I have spoken on the phone with two, the second one being today. In a very easy and funny conversation, this gentleman explained that he has received about 200 matches. There is no way that he could go through them all, or make contact with many of the women "scientifically matched" to him.

He and I made connected at all because he interested me and I contacted him, and that is how we started e-mailing. So, this is one anecdotal story supporting the view that men receive much higher numbers of matches, at least within my age bracket. Conversely it seems that women should not be discouraged when men don't make the initial contact, and, in fact, it's probably good for us to take the initiative if this is a matter of probabilities.

I think risk-taking may well increase chances of meeting someone, if, indeed, this is something that happens.

Best of luck,
J.

To those still seeking the muse and a flesh-and- blood soulmate:
I have been on e-harmony for about three months---I am a mother of four kids in their teens and twenties, divorced but friendly for about the past four years, a doctor/attorney, out of a relationship for about six months that I thought would end in a long retirement together, so I am now stepping back up to the plate. My experiences on this website are as follows:

Counting today, I see that I have closed 60 matches. Of all of the men sent my way, I have spoken on the phone with two, the second one being today. In a very easy and funny conversation, this gentleman explained that he has received about 200 matches. There is no way that he could go through them all, or make contact with many of the women "scientifically matched" to him.

He and I made connected at all because he interested me and I contacted him, and that is how we started e-mailing. So, this is one anecdotal story supporting the view that men receive much higher numbers of matches, at least within my age bracket. Conversely it seems that women should not be discouraged when men don't make the initial contact, and, in fact, it's probably good for us to take the initiative if this is a matter of probabilities.

I think risk-taking may well increase chances of meeting someone, if, indeed, this is something that happens.

Best of luck,
J.

I think putting up a photo is a must... now hang on a sec. For me it has nothing to do with if if the person is beautiful or the ugliest creature in creation, it's about a lot of other things.

There are two classes of daters: those who care about looks and say so... and those who say they don't but do, at least a little. There are degrees; most everyone has *some* limits. For example, I doubt there are many women clamoring to date somebody who looks like John Worfin. (Or John Bigboute... "But, Lord Worfin... we can still crush the monkey boys here on Earth!")

Photos aren't the first thing I look for... or the second... honestly, appeance isn't terribly important to me. And photos can lie--professional photos, retouching, photos of someone else, whatever.

But the absence of a photo makes me wonder what she's trying to hide. Is she embarassed about her looks? Bad plastic surgery victim a la Jocelyn Wildenstein? Can't be bothered to change her week-old food-stained T-shirt for something clean? Tentacles? "A picture is worth a thousand words" is true, and I think that goes double for someone putting up a personal ad. A photo can convey a message about what a person is like that no amount of prolix prose can.

I'm sure there are legit reasons for someone to not provide a photo--but that's pretty unusual. I'm not saying I'd never consider dating someone without a photo; the lack of one would just make me a lot more leery.

It's true that as you get older, appearance matters less... but the other reasons I gave still apply.

If you end up dating someone, they're going to find out what you look like. Far better to get it over with up front.

Having said all that, I'm quite certain I've been turned down many, many times because of my looks. I've learned not to let it bother me. I'm also certain that not providing a photo is just postponing the inevitable in those cases.

Regarding pictures - I feel they are too one-dimensional. We are in search of that ever lasting love but isn't it what's inside that is going to sustain that level of relationship? Looks fade, it's character that counts.

After contemplating the EH site, I ran across the Muse - very informative. Opting for more control of my destination I went with Match. In my initial search I ran across a site called cupids coach. Amazing what people will do to find the perfect mate. These guys have a package deals, starting about $995 and, if you need all the help you can get.... well, you can sign up for the ultimate package deal, I believe it was around $5,000. If nothing else, that site will give you a chuckle or two.

I'm taking the approach that jumping into web dating is like riding a tour bus. Pay for the ride, hope to meet some interesting people, maybe visit some nice places and, if I'm lucky, make a connection with someone that will turn into something lasting. Just don't want to go on the bus ride from hell... been there, done that.

This is a great site. Took me a while to read through all the posts. Although I have a number of comments, I will throw out a thought to KenCal and Chicago Tony:

Yes I think the male to female ratio is higher than 1:1 but not as high as you think. Match allows you to do quick searches. Set the age range and miles from a particular zip code. Then compare the number of profiles found when you select "male lookin for female" vs "female looking for male".

I was at a speedmatching last night and one of the women there was convinced that there were twenty to thirty females per male on match for her age range.

To all the statisticians on our informative weblog: In the final analysis, who gives a rat's patootie about the ratio of men to women on the matching services? All it takes is ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN to connect, and to hell with all the rest. At the end of my brief sojourn with "Ebenezer", the man I met thru Match, I decided to swear off matching services in general, and men, in particular. You all may remember I told you that my pets were looking ever better to me since Ebenezer flew the coop.
Well now I've picked myself up, dusted myself off, and changed my user name and photo on Match.
New user is cutenclassy 102, I haven't paid a sou for it yet, and am wondering where I'm going and why I'm in this handbasket.
Then tonight I get a fan letter (email) from one of you asking about my welfare, as my contributions to this weblog have been on the wane of late. He even (dear lad) founded a fan club for me. I responded in gratitude and told him all contributions in my name would be humbly appreciated. I, in turn, offered autographs to my public. In Newark the number is ......operators are standing by, fossilizing as I speak.
Anyway, my adorable poppits, it done my heart good to know that somewhere out there one of you LIKES ME, REALLY LIKES ME (I even resemble Sally Field, truly - check out my profile picture).
And so I say thank you, one and all, for making me feel welcome in this.....club, especially at a time when my self-esteem is a bit tattered from the last sonofabitch who darkened my doorway.
Love to you all -
Andrea

Correction,poppits: My user name on Match is cutenclassy101, not 102 - and I ask, does anyone really even give a shit?
Again, love to you all.

Wow. I thought I had difficulty with E-harmony because there weren't any black men available! I've signed up and canceled e-haromony twice. My best luck has been with Match.com. I've met 3 wonderful men, two of whom I could've had a long term relationship with had I been over a recent breakup. The 3rd guy was unbelievable. I eventually went to visit him and we had so much in common, from decorating to his library, that it was scary. But...we had the most passionate night of our lives! It was soooo good we named it. We still communicate regularly, although we have no plans to recreate that evening, I've made a wonderful friend. Try Match.com and rather than wait for the men to come to you, search them out and contact them!

Avoid e-harmony. Quite simply, they in no way live up to their claims.
In a city of 10 million people, I was provided with ONE "match."
I'm odd, but not that odd.
The spiritual biases of the company's ethos are particularly disturbing. Avoid this site, unless you enjoy wasting money.

I just had to post this.

If anyone here was rejected by eHarmony, these stories might explain why:

Nice guy:
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/GMA/Relationships/GMA030819Datingsite_reject.html

Losers:
- http://www.edatereview.com/131012displayreviews.aspx read Lauren's review
- http://www.edatereview.com/141012displayreviews.aspx read Tiffany's review about meeting a guy who served jail time.

Now how do you feel?

seems at least there is alot to talk about. how bout we all meet for dinner and discuss this ?

Andrea,

Your cutenclassy101 profile at Match.com is wonderful and your photos are great! You are an attractive woman and should be getting lots of winks and emails. Since you are 60, I wonder if the maximum age of 63 for your match is a tiny bit too low. Also, perhaps you might have more success if you were willing to correspond with men of ethnic groups other than white.

Just trying to be helpful :)

Ms. Lee

Andrea: Nice profile. Have you noticed the counter hasn't been working for weeks? At least I hope that's true because mine hasn't changed for quite a while. I did pretty well with match when I joined, but not so much now.

My match name is lady_jaz. Would love to hear if anyone sees something in this profile that is off-putting.

As to e-Harmony, see previous post and don't get me started...!

Carole

Carole,

Your profile is fabulous! I read nothing that would be offputting to me personally, but ... trying to see it from the prospective of potential mates, I wonder if your headline: "IF YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LAUGH IN HEAVEN, I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE" might be offputting to matches who are looking for a peaceful, harmonious relationship.

Remember, all caps is perceived as shouting, and the statement itself could be perceived as indicative of a hostile or warlike (bitchy?) attitude. Men might view it as starting off on a negative note. All of your narratives seemed warm, lovable and inviting, and you are flashing a beautiful, warm smile, but I wonder if the headline is just hostile enough to cause potential matches to move on without bothering to read the rest of your profile.

I wrote this intending to be constructive and helpful; hope it does not offend you.

Lee

I didn't realize these were sent to our e-mail addresses so answered Lee direct. I'm absolutely not offended and think this is great feedback. I changed my on-line name, time to change the tag.

Sorry, I made a mistake. My bad! I had posted this message someplace else and realized I had only copied and pasted part of it on this blog. So here it is again, edited for this site:

I just had to post this:

Ever wonder why you were rejected by eharmony? Maybe it's because you're too much of a real human being and not enough of a sociopath who's skilled at looking good on paper and choosing the answers eharmony wants in their questionnaires. In other words, eharmony seems to reject nice guys and accept psychos!

Don't believe me? Read these stories:

Nice guy:
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/GMA/Relationships/GMA030819Datingsite_reject.html

Losers:
- http://www.edatereview.com/131012displayreviews.aspx read Lauren's review
- http://www.edatereview.com/141012displayreviews.aspx read Tiffany's review about meeting a guy who served jail time.

Now how do you feel?

Rosalind
- tried online/speed dating and decided it wasn't for me
- planning my escape before dating service reps show up at my front door and force me to shave my head and wear striped clothing with a brightly colored triangle

Ms. Lee - thank you for your comments - they are appreciated. The comment about my age requirement is valid; however, it is my personal preference to date men my age or younger,as I feel I not only look years younger than by actual age (and am told so by just about everyone), but have a youthful spirit and outlook. Most of the men I've met in the later 60's are simply too old for me in more ways than I can enumerate here. Besides, ya get 'em young, ya can train 'em! (This last was said in jest --- mostly.)

As to your second point - both my husbands were Asian (Japanese and Thai). This time I'd like more cultural similarity. For a while there, I seemed to be marrying my way around the world. Maybe I should try Europe next?? Just a thought.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to peruse my profile and give me your take on it.

Carole - Yes, I have noticed the counter is not working on Match. Mine has been stuck in the same place since Jesus was in knee pants. But so what?? I've just about given up on the whole mishegas, anyway. I still have a very bad taste in my mouth from the aforementioned "Ebenezer."

Andrea

I always thought eHarmony was unfair to Virginians, who have their law set up so that a divorce is proceded by a legal separation period of 1+ years. During this time you are single in every respect except the part about not being able to marry right away, which doesn't seem to be a problem for eHarmony members given the low risk of needing to be able to marry. Meanwhile, people in Nevada can get divorced overnight and still be emotionally entangled with their previous relationship, but be able to sign up for eHarmony simply because their legal status is divorced, not merely separated.

I was reading through these comments and saw one praising singlescrowd.com. Just for yucks I set up a profile there with an accurate description and picture. I am 53, slightly balding and not in too bad shape.

Anyways, in the last three weeks I have received seven or eight emails or kisses from staggeringly beautiful women in their late twenties or early thirties. Naturally, I cannot read these emails or contact any of them until I pay the membership fee. Let's have a show of hands, should I join this service!

New one from match.com. I wrote to someone the other day. When he answered me, my e-mail to him through match was at the bottom of the message. In the address was my match name in the 'from" area and his REAL name in the "to". I wrote to them asking what this was all about. Where's the anonymity? The wrote back that I could block anyone who was abusive. Sheesh.

Bob, I'd say try it for one month. But I'd also say don't discount women your own age. They can be pretty dynamic. Just check out Andrea's profile!

Hi Everyone,

My experience at Eharmony has been wonderful. I am at a loss as to the comments I've heard about eharmony. First I am 40 yrs old (look much younger) and have been matched with men as young as 35. Can you believe it? Most of my matches have been dead on meaning, exactly what I've been looking for. I have never initiated communication with anyone and don't intend to. I figure that if the guy is interested he'll initiate. So far so good. I am in open communication with this one guy who seems great, and I can't wait to go further. One more thing, I was a non paying member for 31/2 months and recieved a ton of matches, but no one initiated contact. Well I held fast to my belief about not initiating and finally in July, I recieved an email regarding communication. IT was at that point that I decided to join, and BELIEVE ME, I have no regrets. Sorry guys, but my experience has been great!

Carole - Thanks for the kind words. My profile is gathering dust on Match, but that's ok. I'm not inclined to meet anyone new yet. In the interim, I found religion - online poker! Have become an addict. It's free too! So me and my pogo tokens are riding off into the sunset on a beautiful white stallion, with my pets secured to the saddle. Hey, it works for me right now, this escapism. Love to you all.

Andrea

Carole, thanks for your response. Actually, I seriously doubt if any of the responses from women half my age on singlescrowd.com are for real. I think they just want me to spend money for their service.

DeLovely: How many 60 year olds have you been matched with on eHarmony? The problem with this service is that you are matched with men 5 years younger to 20 years older. That means, men are matched with women 20 years younger to 5 years older. You may find 60 year olds fine for you, but I'm not up for an 80 year old, thank you.

Andrea, with i knew how to play poker. Do they have lessons on-line?

My big concern about match, these days, is that lack of anonymity I mentioned above. I keep getting canned responses about how they respect my privacy. yeah, right. I decided to try to not gather dust anymore. I am now 58, not 62. Yes, I've gone over to the dark lying side. All's fair, I say.

Looks like I got quoted in an article about eharmony. It mentioned this weblog entry and discussion.

http://www.blacktable.com/keller040811.htm

I just found this site and scrolled through from the first comment to the last. While I haven't read every word, I get the gist. I'm 52 look about 38 and have had an unsuccessful time on eharmony. I've been with them since March. At first there were no matches, then a few, and now, in the last few weeks, several more. But they go nowhere. I feel as though I haven't been heard. It seems as if they are matching me with vegetarian yoga nuts or woodsy, log chopping types. I'm a native New Yorker and need someone in my neck of the woods. There seems to be something inherently wrong with their matches, or wrong with who they think I am. I just don't know. I'll continue to give it a shot, but I don't know if I'll renew.

As for match.com, I've had varying experiences. I did meet someone, a man who contacted me first with a witty email. It went way too fast, and I didn't listen to my gut. I wound up falling in love, hard, with this man who is a serial match.com'er. He hits on multiple women at a time and plays complicated games with all of us. He has a golden pen and a tremendous verbal ability and claims to love when he has no clue as to what love is. I wonder how many more men are like him out there; hopefully not many. It was an extraordinary experience. I learned to listen to that all knowing inner voice of mine. If I had listened, I wouldn't have fallen so hard and wound up so hurt. Too bad I can't post his name to warn other women.

But I'm not going to let this unpleasant episode sour me on match.com. I choose to believe that guy is an anomaly, that he is not representative of most match.com men. I've winked and been winked at and I'm exchanging emails. But I've not actually hooked up with any one other than the serial match.com'er.

We'll see how it goes. I'm learned not to take any of this stuff too seriously.

There is a good article online for women concerning how to come through successfully with online dating-

www.bellaonline.com/articles

Check it out, it's also an excerpt from Rachel Greenwald's book, "Find a Husband After 35"

Carole -I'm sure you can pull up poker instructions somewhere online - if not, buy a cheap book that tells you; it's really very simple and loads of fun to help one keep one's mind occupied (i.e., away from ex-boyfriend/homocide thoughts.)

tunesmith - so are we famous, baby??? I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Demille.

Maggers2240 - I found a lulu on Match.com. We dated for 2 months, then when I thought things were going so well(silly, silly me) he told me it wouldn't work out for him because I didn't have the kind of income, savings or nest egg to help contribute to his retirement dreams. All this, and he was leaving my house (on a Saturday afternoon) to go to a date with his new sucker de jour. He knew my financial situation from the get-go too. I told him to make sure to tell her to bring along her financial portfolio for him to peruse over dinner. There are no words to describe the way I felt when he left my house that afternoon, after 2 months of exclusive dating with someone I thought was a true friend, companion and sweetheart. We were so hitting it off too, in so very many ways.

So when I talk about my pets being my real buds, you all now know what I mean. I sometimes wish I were a lesbian, but alas, I'm not.

Andrea

Hi Carole,
Sorry I took so long to respond. I haven't been matched with anyone who is 60 yrs old. The oldest person was 52, and that was a bit old for me I'm only 40. The youngest was 35 and I was also matched with a 38 yr old. So far, it's been 40-43 yr olds. I don't know why, but that has been my experience. I'm not here to defend eharmony, but so far, I haven't had a bad experience. Actually, I just closed out someone today and yes, I did give a reason, ( I was not a coward, I did not choose "other") So, forgive me, but so far I'm happy with most of the matches I received, even if I didn't initiate communication, and I am in communication with someone that is going well. Sorry you had a bad experience. Maybe my experience is a fluke, but nonetheless it is true. Wish me luck...

The article to which Edie referrs is apparently number 12965:

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art12965.asp

I'm a 30yr-old guy who posted a profile on nomatch.com about a month and a half-ago. I've seen complaints here of a low response rate. Well, how about a NO response rate. I mean I'm not knockout handsome but I'm not ugly either. I've got college credits and everything! I'll even eat vegetables! I guess the local ladies, if there are any, are afraid of this new-fangled whiz-bang technology that's about the only way for me to meet someone, as I don't go to bars and am thus not a good conversation stiker-upper.

Oh wait, now I remember, my profile picture has me wearing my glasses. Well, I apologize for my astigmatism. Perhaps I should spend money I don't have on lasik surgery and then post another picture.

No, I'm just not doing everything I can. Yes, maybe I should "try a little harder". But jeezy-peezy it shouldn't be this difficult to get a date.

If fate is playing a joke on me, it isn't funny anymore. Anyone else having this problem?

A friend of mine just showed me a news article concerning a personal ad which I just have to share:

"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in a pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cold winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at your front door when you get home from work wearing only what nayure gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call XXX-XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

This ad was in the Atlanta Journal and the response was overwhelming. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old black labrador retriever. Men are so easy."

Hated e-harmony, never got anywhere, and it took me so long to fill out the ap, I needed a nap! The process is very un like what you find elsewhere, and you have no control over the situation...no browsing options, nothing...waste of time and $$$!!!

I'm 5'3". Not bad looking (IMHO!) -- I've had pretty good-looking girlfriends before, so I don't think it's me. Likewise, I've known a lot of other guys of similar height who are dating or married.

I'm looking for an Asian girl. Your average Asian girl is somewhere around my height. But on match.com, they are ALL (like 90 to 95 percent) looking for a guy who's MUCH taller than them. You see these 5'1 or 5'2 girls looking for guys who are 5'10, 6 feet, or even taller.

So, OK. They have their preferences. We all do. But how is this different from if I were to specify in my profile, "You should wear a C-cup or larger bra" or "You should be 36-24-36"? You can imagine the howls of protest I'd get for being "shallow" and "only caring about looks." I think it's rather telling that these girls are sitting around on personal-ad services, wondering where all the guys are, when the preferences they specify exclude a HUGE number of guys that (from looking around in everyday life) are quite attractive to women.

Alright, that's the first thing. Secondly, let's talk location. Anyone else run into the girls who live in the Philippines (not to name any specific countries...) but who lie and write that they're in America so that they'll show up on more people's searches? Who is desperate enough to write to a girl whose VERY FIRST thing that she said to them is a lie?

Then there are the girls who are separated and say they're divorced. There's a world of difference there, like it or not. If you are separated, you are still married. Discovering I was on a date with someone's wife was NOT the high point of that particular day. She had a big story about how they were about to divorce, and blah blah blah. For all I know it may have been true, not that this even matters when they were still married -- but then, if she's just looking for an affair, what's she going to say? "Yeah, I have a great husband but I want to cheat on him"?

Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah! Girls who write something like "I'm just looking for a nice guy" while thinking "...a nice guy from my exact ethnic group, who's at least 6 feet tall [see above], Financially Secure [see below], and drives a Maserati." Oops! Hey, if that's what you really require, at least be honest and write it.

Financially Secure, let's talk about that for a moment. Seeing girls talk about money in their profile gets them an automatic blacklist. If you mean you don't want an unemployed man on welfare, then say that. When I see a girl specify Financially Secure, I think of the buy-me-show-me-take-me syndrome. Furthermore, it's a meaningless thing to say -- one guy may make $30,000 a year and consider it a king's ransom, whereas another may make $100,000 a year and believe he's barely getting by.

Any guys here sick of girls who write about what a traditional, old-school guy they want, then turning out to be nymphomaniacs? That was pretty classic. I am waiting for marriage; I make no secret of this! My friends and I still get a kick out of the one who tried to explain how "do you want to turn out the lights?" was really supposed to mean something else, after I said NO, and after I had already told her I was waiting for marriage! That was on the first date btw.

So is it just me? Am I some kind of loser magnet? GrrrrR!

Delovely: I absolutely do wish you luck and am glad eHarmony is working for you. I know that at 62 (well, now 58 on match), after spending all that time on the profile, I got four whole matches in the entire country. Three were in the Puget Sound area (where I live) and the other was in Idaho and he closed me out immediately. I just thought it was amazing that the fact that these men were all in the Pacific Northwest. There is no one in Florida I'd match? The two 50-something guys didn't respond, the 82 year old expressed interest. For a week there was nothing - until i quit, then lo and behold both the 50-somethings were interested. Maybe I'm cynical, but I ask you, does this not sound contrived?

But yes, I do wish you luck. Keep us all posted.

Carole

I canceled out my eHarmony membership a few days before expiration to avoid the "unwanted renewal" problem, and haven't heard another thing from them. That's OK. It was a waste of money; worse, it was a waste of hope.

I've given it some thought, and I believe that the problem with online dating sites is that people think they can "order up" the perfect mate and have that person delivered, kind of like eBay, but with human beings. In fact, one of the eHarmony commercials I've seen says almost exactly that.

The problem, as we all should know, is that the most compatible, loving match doesn't always come in the package we would at first choose. Well, how many of us consider OURSELVES to be the perfect package? The internet thing fosters unreal expectations, plays to our fantasies, and leaves a lot of people disappointed.

One other thing ... the people who seem to have the better success at the online dating thing are younger. I speculate that the reason for that is we simply ARE a better package when we're younger!

Online dating hasn't worked for me. It's an embarrassing sort of virtual meat market at which I've determined I cannot succeed, or at least, I don't have the patience to continue trying. At 51, I feel like a throwaway sometimes, virtually invisible to the male of the species. Oddly enough, though, I don't get all bent out of shape about that except once in a while. Maybe nature's compensating for the decline in our youthful beauty by an increase in emotional strength. Don't want to get too philosophical here, but I am gracefully exiting the online dating arena with nary a look back!

Good luck to all of you, whatever your age or experience with it. We all really want the same thing, to not be alone, so I hope you don't have to be if you don't want to!

anima in orlando

"...Order up the perfect mate..." Hmmm, sounds like an eHarmony commercial.

I have enjoyed (and at times fell out laughing) at the various comments listed here. Such great sense of humors!

I joined eHarmony about a month-and-a-half ago and noted the following.

1. If you are 100% honest in your personality profile you will receive an honest assessment (people don't realise that they truly are being deceitful when filling out those profiles. I was honest even when tempted to skew the truth)

2. Assuming that you were honest, you need to fill out your "about me" information and again you need to be honest and forthright. Deception won't help in the long run because people see through deception and they will simply reject you by closing you out.

3. I don't care about race---I'm attracted to all types of men, so I was lenient in the section which asked me to choose all the various races of men I'd be willing to accept matches from.

4. 99% of the matches I've received have fit my personality to a TEE. It's almost eerie how perfectly the fit is. The reason is because both parties were honest from the beginning.

5. This is a site for people who are professionals who can afford the fee without complaining. Very few unbelievers (athiests, agnostics, etc.) sign up for eHarmony because its founder is Christian; therefore, I don't advise non-Christians to use the service. The pool of available dates is too limited.

6. To date I have been matched with close to 40 men of a variety of backgrounds and cultures, all educated and the majority were real members. Of the 40+ men, there were four in particular that got my attention and one that caused my spine to tingle because I liked everything about him!

If you are serious, pay for a minimum of 3 months and preferably 6 - 12 months. Determine in your own mind that you are going to be one of the blessed ones who will meet your spouse there. To be honest, if you are patient and determined not to give up, YOU will meet him/her there but it's your call.

Whining and sulking won't help. Those are signs of immaturity and someone who is not really serious. Fussing about the cost won't help. In fact, I am HAPPY that it's expensive because that helps get rid of the RIFF-RAFF and SCRUBS that I don't want to deal with and increases the professional matches.

I am very happy and hopeful with this one man in particular and believe it will work out. But if not, no problem. I'll stay in there until I come out a winner. In fact, patience and a determination not to quit are what separates winners from losers in life.

Reah

Personally, I've been skeptical of computer personality tests ever since one of them said I was a neat freak -- on a computer buried under the clutter on my desk!

For all you atheists and non-believers out there - EHarmoney doesn't only reject you guys. I'm a born-again Christian who also got one of those stupid Eharmony rejections - apparently they reject 20 percent (that's 1 out of 5) applicants. And yes, they advertise heavily in Christian publications *and* on jewishworldreview.com.

I'm wondering if any of these dating sites have any merit beyond a few choice "success" matches. EH appears to have less of a meat-market mentality than Match, but they seem to have control issues. Anyone out there ever gone the direction of Perfect Match? Believe it or not, in their ad they "guarantee" you'll find your match. Yup, a guarantee. Wonder if there's a warantee available too...

Hi Guys - Newsflash: This just in -

There's a world of single people - interesting, fun people - out there, and you can meet them for FREE. Just brush up your poker skills and get online with Pogo, or any of the other free games offered online. I've met horse trainers, animal breeders, doctors, lawyers and Indian chiefs - you name it. They even have profiles of the players available for you to peruse while you're playing. Give it a shot. It sure as hell beats the meatmarket dating services.

Love from table 26, Desert Palace.

Andrea

A warning to Match.com users...

I just started into the e-dating world with a membership on Match.com. They have this anonymous system where emails are routed through their system so you don't see the sender's real email address (understandable for privacy). Well, yesterday my online email monitor indicated that another member had sent me, but no such email actually showed up in my actual email inbox (yes, I checked my spam blockers etc). Furthermore, since the person had an unlisted profile, I was not able to respond to them directly through their listing.

When I contacted the Match.com tech support, they told me there was not much they could do about it (they don't keep records of the email) and - GET THIS - they REFUSE to notify the other person that their email had not gone through despite the fact that they checked their records and acknowledged that the person had tried to send me an email. Mind you... I am not asking for the persons email address or even to have them forward on a message from me. I am just asking that their tech support notify the other member that their message was not received and if they still want to communicate, to try again. But they still REFUSE to do that.

So I now have NO WAY to contact the person who tried to send me an email and they have no way of knowing that I did not receive it (they probably think I am blowing them off). And Match.com who we are both paying to meet other people IS ACTIVELY PREVENTING TWO OF ITS PAYING MEMBERS from doing so!!! It has been a very frustrating first experience and makes me wonder how many other messages get 'lost' without the members ever knowing.

Anybody else had any similar problems with Match or other system that use special email routing?

Kristi: I tried perfectmatch.com. Very much the same feel as eHarmony. Only with them, I got two matches in the entire 50 states. (Had a whopping four from eH.) No photos, same questionnaire type communications. It's almost identical in the look and feel. The only difference? I was with eHarmony for less than 7 days so i got a complete refund. I was with perfectmatch for less than 24 hours and they took my $49.95.

Eric,

Yes, I had the same thing happen once. The only advice match.com could provide was to make sure I had turned off my spam blocker. I didn't even have a spam blocker, and I never could retrieve the lost email either.

anima in Orlando

Carole,

Your email was funny. You were on eHarmony for less than 7 days and on Perfectmatch for less than 24 hours. In spite of this brief time span, you feel that they failed you? Give me a break!

Well, gee, Lita. I don't think I ever said I thought they failed me. But first time out, I'd expect a few more matches than they provided. This is the entire country we're talking about. Plus, I thought it was suspicious that those matches happened to be in my back yard. But basically, I didn't like the way the sites were run. I'd rather write to someone than send all those questionnaires. And I don't want to have them include men 20 years older than me. And with eHarmony, you cannot change that upper range except to raise it. It's just a matter of preferences. My point was at least eHarmony gave me my refund. Perfect match took my money and ran.

I would rather eat a steak and watch a DVD. At least then I can look at good looking men. These eHARM men need a vat of testosterone dumped on their heads. If they would stop maniacally exercising and cold showering for a day or two, their dipping sex drive might return, and their female "matches" wouldn't look so repellent to them. Another worm in a Godforsaken hick town just closed on me after viewing my photos. This is getting utterly predictable and boring. They act all suck-uppy until they see my pix. Some of these men are probably shills for eHARM, married men or such, as I notice it never goes very far. Haven't made even one friend from eH. What I've observed is their membership base doesn't know how to befriend a woman, total lack of empathy, looking for robots and cartoons with no discernible human feelings. Can pretty much predict who will fail in the love department, because they reject every good thing that comes their way. If you tasteless men are looking for skinny airheads-bimbettes, try a dance club. That's where the skinny airhead-bimbettes go. And stop harrassing and wasting the time of decent, loving women. We're too good for you. I guess some other lucky non-eHARM man will be getting the back-leg rubs & hot home cooked meals. Tough luck eH losers. Ever get the feeling that Dr. Warren is sighing these days and thinking "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." ?? I'm 45, weigh more than 150 lbs. and less than 190 lbs., but part of that is muscle, people tell me I look very young for my age, have been told various times by men that I'm cute, bright, or sexy. If I weighed 3000 lbs. I would give these weenies the slip. Will be cancelling the credit card used to join eH after my membership joyously expires, so eH can't rebill me. We dserve better than this, ladies.

Carole and Jenny's letters are a perfect example of the fact that eHarmony is NOT the problem. These bitter and/or unrealistic individuals are the problem.

In Carole's case, she refused to give the two dating services a minimum of 30 days that they requred and in spite of her brief time, she actually expected to meet a match that quickly?

Jenny's letter was that of someone who apparently has low self esteem about her weight. Instead of blaming eHarmony, she should go on a diet plan to change her eating habits and exercise habits and get the weight off.

People, I was on eHarmony for almost 6 months. During that time I got matches from well over 100 women. Clearly I could NOT choose all those women! I guarantee you that some of those women that I closed out are now blaming eHarmony when it is NOT eHarmony's fault. The problem is that I was only looking for ONE woman and although there was nothing wrong with the other women, I could not choose all of them.

In my 4th month on eHarmony I met the love of my life and started seeing her. I will ask her to marry me soon and have close my eHarmony account.

In closing, people---please stop blaming eHarmony for the actions of the people on eHarmony. eHarmony is not a magic maker. They cannot make a man or woman desire or want you. Close outs should not be taken personally. REMEMBER, normal men are only looking for ONE mate so they MUST close the others out. Normal women are only looking for one man so they MUST close the other guys out. Get it? Good!

Mike, you make some good points. You are right. The majority why sign up for eHarmony are paying the high fee because they are serious professionals who are in search of one true love.

Because they only want one, they have no choice but to filter out the others. I have closed out many TERRIFIC men. There was NOTHING wrong with those men but I was concentrated on someone else.

There is no easy way to close a match. I always checked off that I am closing them either because of distance (too far away), or "other". It always bothered me to close out men because I did not want them to think that I had bad feelings about them. I did NOT. But it would be selfish of me to continue leading someone on if I don't have an interest. My interest was elsewhere.

Close outs sting. I've been closed. It got easier after the first one because you learn that it is NOT about you. It is most likely not about your appearance. If I get 50 matches and only want one man, I filter out great men but that's how life goes.

(SIGH) There's always online poker......

Andrea

Mike, you're being a jerk. You don't need to criticize people in order to disagree with them. Most of the activity on this weblog entry have been people either commiserating about the difficulty of using these services, which is completely appropriate, or complaining about eharmony's practice of indicating that an unpaid member is willing and able to continue making contact when they're not. Most people aren't even going to find this entry if they're not stressed out about the system. Calling them bitter, unrealistic, or with low self-esteems does nothing except create bad feelings. It's unnecessary and disrespectful.

Tunesmith,

The two women I referred to are, in my view, unrealistic and bitter. If I'm a jerk for mentioning the obvious, then I just have to be a jerk.

Mike: I find it interesting that it is so "obvious" to you that I'm "bitter" when you know nothing about me.) I've been on match.com for quite a few years and have met some really nice men. I just don't care for the way both eHarmony and Perfect Match are set up. I'd rather write to someone directly. And with match, I had more to choose from right from the get-go. If you would read my post again, you'll find my biggest problem with eHarmony was the age thing. I really am not interested in 80-year-old men, but eHarmony would not let me lower that top number. All these services give you opportunities, but in a different way. Is it OK with you if I just stay with the ones I like? And for those of you who have had all this wonderful luck on eHarmony - good for you. I'm delighted it's working for you.

(sigh, too) Hey Andrea, do they teach you how to play poker???

For me, YAHOO Personals is awesome. Met my man on the first day online!

I highly recommend it. You control your own matches and they have extensive choices in terms of the type of men (or women) you can have sent to you by them.

They allow you to match for the same things as eHarmony such as ethnicity, drinking habits, children, smoking, etc. They are able to send you more matches because they are not looking for a personality profile---rather they are looking for what you checked off. Give it a try. I highly recommend it.

I think the consensus, both here and on edatereview, is that the eH men are very picky about looks. So forget the 29 dimensions, the eyes have it. I have a lot of experience dating and different ways to meet the opposite sex, and feel eH men are more picky about looks than the general male populace. Because of this, I've decided to change my photo settings, so that my pix are available for inspection from the git-go. That will proclude unnecessary communication. Just looked at my 4 pix on the site again to review what the problem could be. I'm cute! I even have the little smile guppies under my eyes like the Olsen twins do. And Mike, thanks for reminding me. Tonight I WILL have a baked potato drenched in butter, sour cream, and chives with my prime rib, horseradish, creamed spinach, and a pitcher of homemade ice cold lemonade. By the way, Mike, when I was slender the guys just wanted to boink me. But I did ride my stationary bike for 62 miles yesterday, my legs look firmer. And TuneSmith, thanks for coming to my and Carole's defense; you are very gallant, and that is a rare trait these days.

In all fairness to Mike, I probably do have low self-esteem, but can't say that repeated rejection exactly elevates it. However, I have a large and healthy ego. Bitter? No, actually a full stomach. Only unnecessary hunger makes me bitter. A tip to guys: Unless you are RICH and HANDSOME, you can't expect to get the top 20%. End of story. About older guys, I dig them a lot. And I notice the gents in their 50's are less likely to close on me after viewing my photos. After all, I'm 45, and wouldn't expect a babe of 41 to be all that excited about someone my age.

I have read most of the posts - way too many to do it all! But I get the gist and I, too, was thinking of using eHarmony because - get this! I have a friend who connected to his (now) wife through eH and I have to say they do match. It is one of those romantic stories that I just don't believe in - except this one really happened! However, they are both very evangelical, charismatic Christians - do you suppose that has anything to do with it? Maybe those of us with "different" Christian ideas don't fare as well?

Anyway, thanks for the multiple laughs - and experiences. I think I will just stick to looking where I'm planted, but at 65, there's not much to look at that I want to bother with.

Eharmony is not really a bad thing. I've met one person from this site and he was a really nice person. It wasn't a love connection. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I am a black Christian woman and I have not been matched with only men of my ethnic background. It may have taken someone a certain amount of time to find that special someone and it may have taken someone else more time. Patience is a virtue and you can't hurry love. We also have to remember that not everyone is honest. Being a Christian does not mean that a person is perfect. People tend to forget this all too important detail. Also, not everyone who says that they are a Christian really is a Christian. In order to truly get to know someone, you have to spend time with that person. After spending time with a person, only then can you truly know if they are honest and really what you're looking for. Eharmony offers a place where people can correspond and possibly get to know each other. A lot of people have extremely high expectations and when they are not met they want to condemn. Maybe they haven't met anyone on Eharmony or off because of that very reason. Dating can be frustrating in any arena. I certainly don't hold the founders of Eharmony personally responsible for finding my soulmate. I just hope that maybe I'll find that special someone on this site. If it doesn't happen here, then so be it. I won't complain or even give up. I truly believe that there is a special someone for everyone.
For those of you who are atheists and or of a nontraditional sexual orientation, there are dating services geared especially towards you. A dating service that is founded by Christians and has a membership made mostly of Christians is not a service for you. Being rejected by Eharmony was probably the best thing for you because I honestly don't know any Christian person who would want a relationship with a person who believed in those sort of ideas or vice versa. Come on people, get real. Why are people so quick to mention class action lawsuits and the like. Really what you're proposing would be like me, a Christian woman, joining a gay or atheist dating service expecting to find my God fearing, Jesus loving soul mate.

Please keep comments courteous and clean. Disagreeing with each other and posting differing viewpoints is fine, but insulting each other and calling each other names is not. Similar policy to many other weblogs - offenders will probably have comments deleted, repeat offenders will probably be banned.

Just spent an hour reading this thread and thought I'd add my $.02 worth. I searched on 'eHarmony sucks' because they wouldn't let me adjust my age preferences. I'm 27, and they insist that I get matches from 21-29. I like older women... I'm willing to go 5 years younger... but that's it. But they tell me 'you can always close the match.' Why can't they just respect our ability to choose our own age group?

I've had the same suspicious patterns with matches; in my case, a large number of EMTs and people working with disabled children. Also a large flood of matches after paying and then a trickle past the first month. (I'm in my 5th month.) Here's another complaint - After quiet for a week, I tried their 'find me a match' feature and it spit out 4 names instantly. Shouldn't it have matched me up with them without prompting?

My results so far- 60 matches, less then 20 responses, 5 open communications, 2 phone calls, zero dates. If this actually worked, and they matched me with Ms. Right, the money would be well worth it - but I'm not holding my breath... I can't recommend eHarmony.

This last week I've been flipping around another site someone told me about - okcupid.com - totally, 100% free... haven't tried to contact anyone there yet, but the price is right! You answer questions, as many as you want, from 10 to 1000, to determine your matches.

Just thought I'd throw my info out there... looking for a woman living in New Hampshire or willing to move there as part of the Free State Project ( freestateproject.com ), I'm SWM, 6'1", living in the Manchester area. Email me if you're interested.

I've used Match for over a year, with mixed results. The Chat feature NEVER works well, because the Match system incorrectly reports people are "online" when they are not.

Another flaw - the geograpic distance of your search. When I tell Match to find women in a 15 mile radius, it ALWAYS goes beyond that range. I don't like that.

Also, when I send email to a girl in Philly, Match shows me a list of "other compatibe singles" who are always in Virginia. And it's ALWAYS Virginia. Why is Match pushing Virginia on me so hard? Probably because they have so FEW members in that area. But that is NOT a legitimate reason to show me their profiles when I live in Delaware.

I absolutely use a nice, short and sweet "form letter" for the women. I browse the profiles and add the interesting ones to my "favorites" list. After I accumulate about 8 - 12 profiles in the list, I send a batch of letters to all of them. It would be lunacy to write individual letters - because Match IS a numbers game - and most people don't even respond.

I NEVER get emails from the women. Ever. I have always initiated the contact, and only get responses on occasion. It's hit or miss. (or is that, Hit or Ms.?)

The fun thing about Match is that I HAVE met more women this way, gone out on more dates - and yes - enjoyed more sex. However, I still have not established any kind of long-term relationship with any of the women I've met.

I've met some real weirdos on Match too - there is no shortage of psycho babes out there - but that's not the fault of Match - that's just life.

I think I will continue to use Match, but also be on the lookout for nice girls in "real life" too. A number of reviewers on this site have suggested turning off the computer, getting out there and meeting women in the real world, and I agree with that too.

I've read this blog for months - reached it by typing in "eHarmony sucks" on google. Carole and Andrea, your comments are oh so true and terrifically funny. I just wanted to say that I have this very creepy feeling that eHarmony has paid people to post on sites like this and others . . . have noticed that when somebody hits upon a particular truth or fault of eHarmony, fairly quickly somebody posts about how they are doing their job very well and the fault must be with the user, not the company itself. Or maybe it's an affiliate who earns commissions on eHarmony subscriptions. At any rate, my experiences with eHarmony have been: many matches are not paid subscribers or have left the system - I'm being used as bait for them to resubscribe or initially subscribe; the whole age-control thing has less to do with my needs than a way for eHarmony to provide more matches and meet their guarantee; my sister left, then took the test again and created a new profile a few months later - was told no matches for her in the system . . . then she was matched with men she received as matches almost a year ago, about four a week, for weeks. Isn't this just lying and manipulation - saying that there are no available matches and then doling out people who've been in the system for months in little bits?

Okay, now I'll wait for somebody to attack my personal character and talk about how they met the man of their dreams on eHarmony but it did take a full year, and the only real problem with eHarmony is that people like me belong to it. Sigh.

Well, here's another two bits for the crowd. I've recently been trying to find someone to meet after being cast adrift at 32. I work in a company where most of the women around me are either married, or at least 10-20 years older than myself.

I haven't tried eHar-money, but I have checked out personals ads at my local alternative rag (The Stranger), Match.com, and a couple other online matchmakers. To tell the truth, online dating has so far been a complete waste of time. The problem was pretty clearly defined on one site where you could actually see the demographics. There were 300k Men searching for Women, and 10k Women searching for Men.

I did meet one really nice girl, and we're kind of running with this for a bit. Of all places, I met her on craigslist. It's not much more than a digital newspaper classifieds, but it worked.

The two best things I found to get a response were:

1. Get a decent picture of yourself. Not a crappy snapshot with poor lighting, and a spur of the moment image that has you over-flashed and your messy apartment in the background. If you have a "Glamour Shots" or something, or even just a friend who knows a little about photography, take advantage of it.

2. Look through the ads until you find one that you really feel a connection with, and send a thoughtful, carefully composed email. Learn to use your spellchecker, and write with complete sentences.

Good luck to you all...

BTW, I do actually know of a nice lady that I used to work with who met a wonderful person on eHarmony. They're doing quite well, and are three months into their relationship. I don't know any details of how they met, hooked up, etc. But I do know she met him there. It's not completely hopeless... =)

Rose - thank you for the compliment, especially nice in light of the fact that I've been reamed on this weblog recently. I'll try to keep you laughing if they let me -and I agree with everything you said.

Sigh back at ya!

MY experience with personal dating:
Well match docotor is still totally free-you may meet a few nice friends from all over the world-I did.
If you have an old ad- on yahoo personals -which used to be free ( and still is for old members until you update it.) There are a few nice men on that site.
But put in different postal codes and zip codes-place your ad in another city. Its a big world out there-your soul mate doesn't have to live next door to you!
Match .com..... biggest money grabbing business I have ever encountered. I feel no dating site should ever charge members-the company gets rich as it is- from Corporate sponsors!
or over 25 yearsI have followed peorsonal dating sites right from back in the day when it was in newspapaers with tele personals ( phone) Studies show as soon as you charge money -especially for women-business goes way down.
Guess its all hit n misss!

I stumbled upon this discussion having had the same experiences as everyone else with both EH and Match. What puzzles me, however, is that like myself, everybody in this discussion seems very sincere in their attempts at on-line dating. I truely feel that a majority of the people using on-line dating sites, especially in my age group (I'm 47), are sincere. Why then does it turn out to be such a frustrating experience and why are there not more success stories? Do you think there is a format for an on-line dating site that would work?

Regarding EH: Has anyone been asked to respond to an email address like call_winchester or some other call_ name at Yahoo? I think it is a central response location where EH employees collect and answer emails from members. Would be interested in knowing if anyone else has had a similar experience. Regards, Lisa

I a 25 and met a man that is 65 on eharmony. He liked and said he was 40.

We are still going strong though

E harmony is a straight up fraudelent nearly criminal enterprise, in my opinion. They are VERY difficult to get in contact with for a refund or any customer service issue, they restarted my account 4 months after I cancelled it without my permission, and the matches they hooked me up with were universally totally incompatible with my basic requirements. Their so called "personality test" has no scentific basis, and a careful reading of their own literature makes this clear. Worse, they save the communication of "Must have's and Can't stands" until after the second contact with a match when these major disqualifying factors should be at the beginning. Why would they intentionally hook incompatible folks up? Because they make their money by keeping suckers, I mean customers hopeful and communicating with matches. The longer they delay the inevitable discovery that for instance you smoke and your match will not accept smoking, or your match is openly racist and you are not their preferred color, or your match will not date folks from your political party or any common disqualifier, the more money they make. Also, if you find your soulmate the first day, they make the least money possible. Although, their minimum is so high, they make money either way.
It is totally unethical to knowingly set up "compatible couples" who cannot begin to get to know each other because they are obvously incompatible from the outset.

If they really wanted to set up couples effectively they would have the "must haves and can't stands" checklist at the very beginning of the process, instead of this bogus and secret "personality matching system"... guess what people....it's called pulling names out of a hat. If anyone disagrees with my assertion that the process is in fact random and the test is hokum, thus making the whole company a fruad, then show some evidence.

RIPOFF ALERT!

eharmony is a rip off.
1. few matches
2. few responses
3. when my subscription was about to end, and i complained about the few matches i received, they started sending me outrageous mis-matches
4. they charged my credit card when my subscription ran out. sent their customer care-less department several emails to close my account, and credit my card. took them a month to respond, and they said it was against policy to refund at that point, even though i requested to close account and get a refund for the new month the day my subscription ended.
5. all they were willing to do was to give me another month- of no matches, no customer care, and take my money.
6. be afraid, very afraid, of this scam.

Match blows or at least the women I've met. My experience is that the women have no clue what they want so they agree to a date, appear to have fun, lead you on with, "sure call me!" & then disappear. It's a great place for women who are completely spineless.

Well, I am going to add my 2....10 cents....

To start with let me introduce you to a social experiment I just finished in match.com that should give of the men in here a little pride and a little warning:

During an argument with a feminist friend of mine she told me the male stereotype we all know (Man are all a buncg of Al Bundi's and Homer Simpsoms) was just about right, and pretty much women were better "persons" than men....With this in mind, I set to prove her wrong.

So I do need a woman, a companion, a girlfriend . L.A., is a pretty hard city for dating, one of the worst. And I already have had experience with many dating sites, mostly as a web developer. Seen them all, and I knew what I was about to prove was true already, but I wanted to show her:

I opened TWO PROFILES in match.com, both identical in every aspect. Just copy and paste. Same images, same everything EXCEPT in one I put down I only made between 25.000 $ to 35.000 $. On the second one I put down I made 75.000 $. I set my search parameters to "Any"..That is, any race, any looks, any weight, any age, any religion...I made sure I did not discriminate...Then I spent about a day emailing and winking at ladies, about 30 per profile.

Results: By the end of the week the profile that had only 25K had only been seen 10 times and no emails or replies. The 75k profile...227 views, 23 emails, 56 winks. All ages, all types, all races...Most were poepl that relocated from somewhere else in the US: Chicago, Atlanta, foreign countries, etc

What does this say about women? To most of these women I will never get pass the fact I only make 25 k a year....So I am only as worth as how much money I have..That is A GREAT MAJORITY of women, and this test proved it. Make you own conclusions. My feminist friend had to swallow that one with three shots of Tequila, She is still lost as far as giving me an explanation.

Well, here's one for you, Chaos Child: I met a lovely man on match.com - lovely enuf to date intensively for 2 months in the spring - we had more in common in terms of interests and values (I thought) than any man I had met in the recent past. On his profile, under the "My Date" - income parameter he had put "Any". Then, without any glimmer of a hint it was coming, he sat me down after two months and broke up with me because "You don't have the kind of income, savings, or nest egg to help contribute to my retirement dreams. All this, mind you, when he knew from Date 1 what my financial situation is.
Just thought you might be interested in hearing Another Story - put kind of a bitter taste in my mouth about dating services.
P.S. He had the chutzpah to tell me I was perfect for him in every other way.

Well, when I was involved in dating sites (I am no longer!), I never put my income down for fear of attracting gold-digging men. But don't you think that, for men in this society, it's kind of a badge of pride to have a high income, and culturally ingrained to use that as bait to attract younger, attractive women? Whereas, if a woman were to do that, we'd be accused of looking for a gigolo?

You have to admit, though, if all else were equal, we'd ALL pick the person with the higher income. We are a capitalistic society, where you can buy anything, including a mate.

anima

I was feeling sorry for myself because almost no one had contacted me (even tho my site has received plenty of hits) or responded to my e-mails or winks. Then, a nice guy who lived WAY out of my geographic area thanked me for at least acknowledging his e-mail, because "that's more than anyone else has done - no one else bothers to answer." WHAT ARE WE ALL DOING ON THESE WEBSITES? Paying Wall Street to let us put our fantasy dates in print for all to see, window shop, ignore people, be demoralized that no one answers, or worse. What, are we NUTS? We're what the grifters call "marks". From now on, I'll donate the money to PBS and go out and take my chances among live humans.

Hello, I feel compelled today to send my thoughts into cyberspace while waiting out my eHarmony subscription (I got 9 months for the price of 3, so my subscription goes until February . . . they kept sending me better and better price reduction offers).

So far, I've made it to open communication with a few guys but have not met even one in person. I've found that the men misportray themselves: a man who listed his occupation as CEO of a communications company, and discussed his love of his children, turned out to have lost his job and was unemployed. And the 3 children were all ADHD and very difficult for him to handle, so he said in one of those open communication thingees. Another who said he was an airline pilot turned out to have an airplane mechanic's business and lived in a trailer. And I just entered into open communication with a guy who listed himself as a professional muscian and orchestra conductor. He tells me in his first note that he is living with his sister and earns a living as a substitute music teacher, and has no conducting prospects at all.

I'm not impressed with eHarmony's ability to weed out dishonest guys. I could find out the above information about all of the men I met on eHarmony in a 15-minute conversation if I met them naturally. But through eHarmony, it takes a week or two to get to that point.

Two weeks of emailing compared to 15 minutes if I get my rearend up and out of the house and doing something fun and interesting. I feel so foolish for having bought into the whole eHarmony charade. It feels like the old children's fable about the Emporer's New Clothes: A tailor told the Emporer that only worthy, intelligent people would be able to see the new set of clothes he had sewn for him. The Emporer could not see them, but he would not say so, for fear he would be considered stupid. Neither could anybody else, because in truth, there were no clothes. But everybody kept remarking on the beauty of his new clothes, so as to appear worthy and intelligent. So the Emporer paraded around naked, showing off his new clothes, until one day a little boy said, "The Emporer is totally naked!" EHarmony's website states, "After reading our information, you can see that it would be extremely difficult to find a partner that meets these 29 dimensions on your own." That is very plainly persuading people they won't find a quality mate unless they use eHarmony. Bull. I feel like an Empress who's just found out she's been walking around naked, duped, fooled.

This is sort of an update to a prior post. And I respectfully request that none of eHarmony's PR people get on here and start trashing my personal character because eHarmony obviously did its job by sending me these miscreants in the first place. Summer's right - we've all been "marks" and I, for one, will be making an effort to get up offa that thang and move out into the real world. Rose

Rose - you go, girlfriend!! Sorry I won't join you in getting up off my (_!_) to get out and meet men, but after the events of this summer (read my above message) I'm feeling too embittered to venture forth in that endeavor at present. Good luck!!

I have been reading all the comments, and of course feel the urge to include my own. I joined Eharmony about 5 months ago. Overall - I would say it is OK. I have had probably 30 matches. I have dated 3, i am a single parent as were all of them. the first was not completely honest. ( height wise ) dated for about 1 month, and knew although he wanted to be in a relationship. his lifestyle could not fit one in. 2nd one, 1 date, no connection although there was one on the phone. 3rd one. I am still dating. sincere nice person. I came home today and I have 9 new matches. I am not a supermodel. I am a sincere, nice single mom with teenage kids, I have a good sense of humor and like to have fun. I have changed my profile settings a couple of times. I was at first getting matches over 100 miles away. so i narrowed my range. I wish you all good luck. Yes, I am an eternal optimist. Perhaps this match will not be what I am looking for. and maybe it won't be eharmony. but, it will be there someday.

I got onto eHarmony at the behest of a friend of mine who'd sworn by it (although she has yet to have dated anyone more than twice after using it a year), and found that after 3 months, I had received less than a dozen matches, none of which had ever responded to my attempts to communicate. Talk about false hope. I'm going back to the old "get my friend to hook me up with someone and take my chances" routine. It's cheaper and gets SOME results anyway. :(

People get out of something what they put into it.
Perhaps the success stories on eH brought in
a hopeful positive attitude. Perhaps the bitter
failures brought in too much baggage.

Income still plays a big part though.
Christian or no, educated or no,
"liberal-minded" or no, FEW FEW FEW women
are willing to just see how it goes despite
a perceived-as-poor income level.

I signed up with both Yahoo Personals and AFF, but all the responses i am getting are from spammers or scammers. They all love me and want me to use my credit card to sign up with some sort of pornography services - they claim they are all free, of course. I guess I am dumb enough to sign up with those Personals, but I am not that dumb to fall for that.

Am I so not attrative? Or it's the service that sucks?

It's been interesting reading many of the comments in this thread. I nver joined EH because there was something I just couldn't trust and the radio ads are so annoying. I spent a little coin at Match.com a couple of years back and have nothing to show for it. Aside from the folks that have had trouble getting refunds and the problems getting accounts closed, I don't find anything inheriently bad about them.

I'm the guy that can't get a glance or smile from a single woman let alone a phone number or (gasp!) a date. I can count the number of women that have initiated a date with me in real life twice on one hand. Married women will flirt with me all day long which is mostly annoying as I'm not into breaking up a marriage. For whatever reason I'm not gifted in the art of attracting women or I lack that natural attraction gene. Whatever, I've made my peace and I'll be content to continue to live life on my terms.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I tried the online dating sites thinking that if a woman could learn a little about me that perhaps she would be willing to know more about me. Alas, no dice. Any member that I sent an email to on Match never returned the conversation and the few that did initiate a conversation obviously never paid attention to any of my selection criteria. Now, that criteria wasn't about the woman being a supermodel (how incredibly boring that would be), but lifestyle criteria such as no children, not divorced, be of compatible religious beliefs, etc.

These are the filters we all apply when choosing a mate and if that person isn't a member of the site, all the matching criteria in the world is moot. It's really that simple. Sure, the online sites offer a person the chance to reveal more information about themselves than the personals ads in the newspaper. But, this cuts both ways as the person viewing the online ads can quickly dismiss those not matching what they are looking for.

So, what's a guy like me to do that lives in a rural town and is north of 40? I really don't know. Most of the "single" women around have been divorced once or twice and have kids. Trying to raise some other man's children or, worse yet, having a strong influence from him in the home that runs counter to my values/beliefs is not my idea of a good life. I want to find a partner in life so that we can better each others life, not go the other way. Is this selfish? Perhaps, but that's the way it is.

Unfortunately, it seems as though the online dating sites are rife with the divorced with kids women (I'm not passing judgement on their life--it's just what I find in this geographical area) anymore. The few true single women on the sites seem to be looking for the big bank account and a life in the city with a playboy and I doubt they would find rural life at all enjoyable. I have an interest in a lot of things outside of the mainstream and I think that counts against me as well.

In short, I don't blame the sites as much as I blame the demographics.

Actually I have to give Dr. Warren credit he has created quite a moneymaking scam with eharmony. 29 dimensions. Not 30. I have been a member for just a few days and have been given 15 or so matches. Most if not all are very far away, or much older than me or much younger with some way too tall. Half of the woman have as can't stand someone who watches pornography which I enjoy. Why wasn't this picked up within the special 29 dimensions of compatibility. The whole thing is really a crock. But a very schrewd one. The commercials are superb and Dr. Warren's pitch is wonderful. Sure there are some marriages but picking numbers out of a phone book might lead to a few marriages too. But the whole thing is an empty suit. I will be cancelling before the week is up.

This advertisment is a fraud...playing on emotions of real people. Shame on you for digging for money to fill hearts that need to be healed. You should be ashamed of yourself! I do not want anything to do with your business. Do not email me again or I will be forced to pursue matters legally.
suzyqnjax01@aol.com

OK - This is too funny - I JUST joined eHarmony last week at the urging of my (overweight) niece who is having her first child (at 36) with her (slight physical disability) husband who she met on....guess...EH...I've never been on an internet date, this is my absolute first tiptoe into the whole deal...I personally think I should be a catch! Nice looking at 50, great cook, high income, 2 children in HS, one in college, high energy....the $90 for 3 months didn't bother me, but then I didn't realize there are free ones out there...damn, I should have read this log first!

Diane, I wish you all the best of luck on eHarm, and you do sound like a fantastic catch. Be forewarned, though, that each 50-year old man you're matched with, will also receive dozens of matches of 35-year old women. Men are matched with 4 years older to 15 years younger. Women get 4 years younger to 15 years older. The 46 year old man you are matched with, will get many matches that are 31. When you get closed out with the excuse "I am pursuing another match", I finally figured out that means, "I am pursuing another match 15 years younger than you." Whew, that's enough math for me today! Good luck!

I'm an eHarmony survivor of 7 days. I was impressed with the idea of utilizing a psych approach with personality tests. However, after seeing how they are set up, feel they are very dishonest in the way they recruit members. They never say up front that:

Women have to receive matches of men 17 years older with no other option.

There is NO exchange of basic match criteria, i.e. religion, body type, children, marital status, favority activities, etc., items that are crucial to know before the deep personal results of their personality test.

When you click subscribe, you have to fill out in your credit/debit card number, BEFORE they will tell you what the price is, when it should be on the checkout page!

They allow a refund if you close within 7 days, but structure their process to take over 7 days to complete the match process so they can collect for one month.

The matches found were inappropriate (I got 3-4 any only one was a possibility. This one possibility went to the last state of communication before I found out he can't stand overweight people. Being 35 lbs overweight (which isn't even noticeable sometimes) is something I choose to disclose immediately to avoid all this wasted time and being repeatedly rejected because I know that 99.9% of the men will not want to contact me.

E-Harmony was a very time-consuming and painful process. After it seemed like I found a perfectly compatible man and we were a perfect personality match, as soon as he hears I am overweight I get a cold "I don't feel any sparks" and it was suddenly over. It could have been said in a nicer way with at least a "thank you".

If EH is based on psychology and intelligence, how can they miss the very simple fact that men are first attracted VISUALLY, not by personality. On first impression they care about height, weight, appearance, yet they are sold on a personality match, which is a total waste of time for both parties! If a woman looks like a model and is thin, most men don't care about her personality or anything else about her. This is evidenced by the multitude of men who complain about "games, deceit, lack of honesty, unfaithfulness". Look at what criteria they used to select their partners! EH men are trying to use a new angle, but when it comes right down to it, they want a personality match that is also thin, athletic, toned, and looks like a model, while they carry a "few extra pounds" and certainly don't look like models themselves!

When a woman is in her 50's and has low self-esteem, she's vulnerable and sensitive to rejection, EH compounds the pain of rejection by forcing the parties to become involved first, before the info is revealed that is disqualifying. It could be done differently, to avoid this pain.

Now my complaint about the other sites, match.com, yahoo & matchmaker.com.

I'm very new to this online dating. At first I was pleasantly surprized that within 2 weeks over 350 men had viewed my photo and clicked to see my profile. Last night I finally went in to see who viewed my profile. 99.9% were in a different state or country! I'm guessing that these guys are looking for online sex. Certainly I would not think that they are looking 3000+ miles away for an in-person relationship. I'm IM'd frequently from men wanting sex. One seemed to be really nice. After chatting with him nearly 2 hours, it was obviously that he just wanted to have online sex. I finally added to my profile "NOT INTO VIRTUAL AFFAIRS". Don't these men have a multitude of other places where they can get their virtual sex?? Why bother innocent women who are just trying to find a partner?

Out of over 350+ who have seen my profile, I have met 3 who were courteous and did not mention sex on the first contact. I'm ready to give this pursuit a break for a while.

I'd be interested in how others have dealt with this problem.

Also interested in hearing from any men as to whether they have had the same problem with any women.

Thanks so much for any suggestions!

Hey guys....

I've posted here before; was a paying eH member from mid-March to mid-June and did not renew my membership (out of disgust)....had one date with a "match" who turned out to be married and looking for a little out-of-town fun.

I did not cancel my membership outright, so my profile is still out there and I am still receiving "matches" but I can't contact any of them. I have to wait until they contact me or close me out......so far I'm batting zero, which is OK since they have been either too far away or completely not my type.

Since I was going nowhere with my nice, sincere, truthful profile, I decided to ramp it up a bit and have some fun. So I created the new Mary, age 46, "CEO, Fashionistas.com"

Three relationship strengths from Personality Profile:
- Mary tends to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.
- Mary tends to be the "Anchor of Reality" in highly emotional situations.
- Mary tends to approach problems in a creative way.

1. Four things your friends say about you:
- Energetic
- Rational
- Creative
- Modest

2. What are you most passionate about?

My passion is FASHION!!!!!!!!!!!

3. What is the most important quality you are looking for in a person?

Fitness, handsomeness, financial security (oh darn, that's three things!)

4. What are three of your BEST life skills?
- Finding creative solutions to everyday problems.
- Using humor to make friends laugh.
- Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness.

5. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

Ralph Lauren -- his Polo sheets are simply the BEST! And Martha Stewart was pretty cool before all that prison stuff. Oh, and Barbie, of course...

6. What are the THREE things for which you are most thankful?

1. Brad at Awesome Abs, my personal trainer
2. Marc Meiskin, M.D., my cosmetic surgeon
3. My superior intelligence

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing people notice about you?

My extensive vocabulary.

8. What is the ONE thing people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

My depth.

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

Shopping, working out, getting my nails done, going to the day spa, recovering from surgery, curing cancer (just kidding!)...did I mention shopping?

10. Describe the last book you read and enjoyed. What was it about?

Hmm...let's see...I read "Black Beauty" back in 6th grade. I think it was about a horse.

11. Describe one thing about yourself that only your friends know.

I wore Birkenstocks once in 1978. But don't tell anyone!

12. Is there any additional information you want your matches to know about you?

I was rated 9.8 on Hot or Not!!!

13. What are the 5 things you can't live without?
a. Manolo Blahnik shoes & Kate Spade bags.
b. Pilates
c. botox
d. hair extensions
e. shops that are open til 10 p.m.!

_____________________________________________

I fully expect Dr. Neil Clark Warren and his "moderators" to give me the boot once they catch on. One of my "matches" closed me today, citing "no reason at this time"....hah! And he's the one who bills himself as a real laugh riot! Oh, well....................

in Peace and real Harmony (not eHarmony)

Mary in San Jose(aka "Anchor of Reality")

I couldn't help but read an earlier thread that says he was turned down by eharmony matches that
supposedly "can't stand" pornography. Perhaps Pierre needs to redefine his readiness for a healthy relationship if he enjoys porn, as he says. Sorry, fellas,you may think it's all just good fun, but good fun can turn into a neurotic obsession, and I don't know a sensible, marriage-minded single woman who would disagree with me on this one. Just my $.02 worth.

My experience with Match.com is they have fake profiles. I was chatting with this one too good to be true woman on there.. and one day I got an email from "her" in which they inadvertently left part of the distribution thread that was used to queue responses from some fake group. It said "Please respond to this member" on the thread, then the response. I was shocked! I confronted whoever "they" are that were pretending to be real, and they wrote me back like it was the first time I had ever written. was REALLY bizarre and started flirting with me. BEWARE... also I went to check a different city once and found a profile on there that I could have sworn Id seen in my local area. so I tried to wink at her and it refused saying I had winked at her within 30 days. BEWARE!!!!

Seriously, they have fake profiles to keep you interested.. Thanks for your attention.

Epilogue: The comments on this site were just what I needed when I was going through the rigors of online dating. So, to add to the statistical base: I am a 52 year-old professional, divorced, two sons, one in college and one in high school. I am divorced five years, out of one post-marriage relationship with a difficult breakup over "commitment issues"---to get out of the rut, joined EH in May for 3 months. I got a total of about 60 matches, corresponded with about 10, phone calls with one (who was a bit strange), and as I was closing out, decided to correspond with one last man with a good face and seemingly bright, honest answers.

I did not post photos; we are both the same age, went to Catholic school but are not practicing, like Woody Allen, have similar political views and values, and live within 25 minutes of each other. I lost a lot of money in my divorce, and he lost money in his, so big money is not an issue. We have been seeing each other for about three and a half months and I am finally ready to say he probably one of the warmest, funniest, most genuine men I have had the pleasure to know.

And, no, I am not affiliated with a dating company, or a company that services one. I think this is all about probabilities. My sister would say it's fate. There are possibilities, it seems, for all of it. ----Mara

I found this blog site some days ago and it's taken me this long to read all the entries on eHarmony and all. I'm chagrinned that I put out the money to buy a whole year's membership in eHarmony. I think I'm a pretty neat person, but nobody has ever beaten a path to my INTJ door. So I figured I'd need time. Sure enough I had that "no match" in the entire world experience... later I've had a few spurts here and there.

When someone was finally willing to correspond, I thought the guy was pretty blah, he kept trying to come up with answers that would be agreeable, so I thought of him as pretty sheep-like. But I was so curious about what the levels of correspondence were like, I kept it up. He had been with eHarmony for some months .... now I wonder how it was that he didn't show up as a match right away. The matches are supposedly generated from the personality profile which we can't adjust.

Speaking of the profile ... I was quite disappointed. I know without a doubt that I'm an introvert, but there was no indication of that in my profile. Seems to me that 's important.

On this forum I have enjoyed Isaac's comments which seem rather reflective. I too see this as a learning experience as I try to define what I'm looking for and what I have to offer in a relationship.

I've pretty much narrowed down my yahoo personals description of what I want to someone who plays music. So if I'm so choosy to reject those people who don't play an instrument or sing, I can't feel hurt when others might want an athletic showpiece. Face to face, I and others would probably be less choosy. But if I get to express my ideal, what the hey.

I've been interested in how people look at religious beliefs. Why do so many say "Christian" and then make it clear that they don't want to do any Christian related activities? Or those "liberals" who can muster up attraction to only people of their own race and/or economic bracket.

People are funny.

Thanks y'all for sharing,
Cathy

Like many who have posted here, I was intrigued by eHarmony's "psychological" approach to the online profile, especially after a less specific profile at match.com produced only two results: one potentially compatible woman who lives nearly 800 miles away, and one stalker (okay, not literally, but enough to creep a guy out anyway).

Since the fiscal realities of my current between-career status dictate that I proceed with great caution in most areas, I did cast a skeptic's eye toward eHarmony before plunking down any dough. I truly commiserate with all who ponied up for an eHarmony listing, but I'm really glad I passed.

The "psychological" profile, which I completed but did
not submit, lacked anticipated depth. The presence of
questions that can only be answered "always" or "never" raised a red flag, since I've never (nyuk) known
these to produce accurate results (Who among us is
that consistent?).

Some questions I found downright laughable. I'm guessing that anyone who listed "Knowing that my spouse is usually to blame when things go wrong" as "Very important" isn't gonna snag a torrent of positive
responses.

In my opinion, e-Harmony's profile procedure, however extensive, is no more likely to help one locate a "match" than any other online service. Call me a hopeless
romantic (or an imbecile, or Ishmael if you're feeling
literary), but I believe that the capricious nature of
human chemistry defies profiling. Consequently, I'm
back to hoping for that "chance encounter".

Happy Chemistry to all (and to all a good night).

Greetings, all. On my way to take the eHarmony personality profile I Googled "eharmony.com", then "Sites that contain...". "Hunting the Muse" caught my attention, and here I am... Admittedly, I only read the first two and last two months of posts, still, I can't help but think that within the community of those of us who have taken a moment to post are the very people - or, at least, type of people - with whom we are compatible and/or are seeking. I am not trying to suggest that "Hunting the Muse" become some sort dating forum, still, there is a certain level of comfort which can't be ignored among those of us who are ready, willing and able - but terribly frustrated - for a committed, lasting adult relationship...

Hi Glenn - I wholeheartedly agree with your comments above. Would love to know more about you. How do we do this? Hmmmm.

Andrea

P.S. I have many comments posted on this weblog should you care to peruse them to get an idea of my personality and thoughts about online matching services.

E-Harmony matches do not work. I am a 52 year old male and all the matches were women 54 to 56 years old. I want someone my own age. Then they finally match me with a wome that is an avid "bridge" player that likes to sit for hours playing cards. Where did they get that from? That is not me or even close. So after about a weeke of nothing and the "bad vibes" it is obvious that this does not work.

Too Bad. Maybe someday someone with one of these dating sites will figure it out.
Mike

It's taken me two days to read all of the posts here. I happened on this site by googling "eharmony scam" because I've had some uneasy feelings lately with eharmony. Here's my experience:

I joined 10/29 (3 months for price of 1) and literally spent hours answering all of those questions, making sure to take time to think about the question and give the most honest and accurate answer I could conjure. I say this because depending on what the issue is, you may respond differently. For instance questions on anger and what not....well, if someone walks up to me and slaps the shit out of me, well I'm going to be pretty pissed and would be more likely to "lose my temper" should that happen. Would that mean I have an anger problem? The "must haves/can't stands" list was a real hoot too. I mean c'mon. Didn't you want to check damn near everyone of those items. Does it mean if I DON'T check that 'I can't stand someone who has sex outside of a committed relationship' that I think it's ok or that I enourage it? So many of these statements were so general that I ended up feeling like I was being dishonest with myself. I don't like liars....that's true, but I'm talking about liars who do their handywork to deceive in a way that causes harm or hurt to someone else, etc. I lie to my kids every yr telling them that there is a Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny...etc. Does this make me mismatched with the guy that says he can't stand a liar? Does it mean I'm a hypocrite (another item in the 'can't stand' list) since I chose this 'can't stand' yet I tell my children that a big guy in a red suit is going to bring them toys on Christmas Eve? Perhaps I'm being ridiculous, and I probably am, but these things really bothered me when filling out the questions and such.

When I finished answering everything I searched for a match.....nada....not one freaking match. I was totally shocked as I figured there should be at least one person that I could match with. Over the next couple of days I received two matches then a miracle happened on 11/02. 6 matches in one day and 4 of the emails were timestamped at 10:25am? How is it that 4 would come through at the exact same time, one of which closed me out because he was pursuing another match. All I have to say is damn this guy is either really lucky and found his love on his first match or he's been in the system a while (more likely) and eharmony delayed showing him as a match for me. Here's the stats on matches to date:

34 total matches
-13 closed either by me or the match for various reasons such as distance, other relationships, issues with profile, etc., and one match closed after sending me his first open communication requesting I call him and I refused.

7 of the matches are in various communication stages, 4 of them being open.

14 of which there has been no communication requests by me or the match

Now this is where things get weird to me. Every single say since that buttload of matches came through at the same time, I have gotten a steady flow of email notifications requesting communication or about answers given, plus the "New Match Found" emails. Right now it appears that all of my matches I was talking to either dropped dead or when the entire eharmony site crashed, our communications got lost somewhere.

One more thing I don't get...I don't live in a heavily populated area but you would think at least one person out of 72K would have been a match.

I've really enjoyed reading all of you guys on here. Thank you tunesmith for keeping it sane and giving space for everyone to share their experiences. I'll be sure to give a few clicks to help with your costs.

A final note.....perhaps I'm not supposed to understand why eharmony works as it does.....and that's just as well as I'm sure I never will.

33 and looking

Tunesmith here - just so y'all know, this isn't the only article on my weblog. It's one of about 1600 postings. I actually mostly write about Democratic politics and technology, although I'll probably be writing about politics a bit less, now that the elections are over and my man Kerry got pasted. Boo hoo. (If you're a Bush person, be nice to me.) Anyway, you can click the "main" link up top, or just click here to check me out. I'm all about getting a few more regular readers. Okay, back to our normally scheduled programming.

I actually did have a great match on eharmony. It was zen-like. We had two really terrific dates and spent hours - in person - sharing inner thoughts and yes, a bit of intamacy. In the end, he was a "hunter" - roaring for his perfect match but not quite sure what to do once he "caught" her. I look at it this way... I've spent more than $50 in a bar and ended up with losers... at least this way, I spare myself the hangover! :)

I tried AmericanSingles and thought it worked ok. I found that most people (including me at times) were talking to a ton of different people at the same time. That was 4 months ago. I only did it for a month but I still talk to a few of the women from there. I dated one for 2 months but it didn't work out. My advice is to not talk to anyone who doesn't post a picture. I did find that there were a lot of women who want absolutely nothing to do with a guy who has a kid. Also, if you're a guy, do a search as a woman looking for a guy. I found that there were about 30 times the number of guys looking than women. That's a lot of competition and women are pretty darn mean sometimes!

I joined EHarmony when a friend of mine at work met his fiance thru the site. I dated a couple girls from there and then met a pretty cool girl that I started a relationship with. After a while, I found out she had pretty much lied to me about everything and was really just desperate to get a boyfriend. Not terribly unusual. So anyhow that didnt work out.

Im pretty picky with the girls on dating sites. Not that I am perfect, its just if they have a picture and you are not attracted to them, why bother continuing? Im in the same boat, a LOT of girls I think are cute and interesting never respond, thats just the way it works.

One thing for sure, EHarmony has a lot more obese girls than the other big sites like Match.com. Pretty much every one of them contacts me, even though I say in my profile how active and into fitness I am.

I wonder if the Dr. knows he has built a fraud? And those commercials.... every night is like a sleepover.... the giggling woman who put in a order and found the perfect man .... the people who spoke for 4 hours on there first and second call etc. Is this true or scripted? Are these real customers or models? By the way tickle.com has copied the eharmony system and it is free now. It's called tickle marriage.
Also Edie I think you are a prude.

Well it took a while, but I've read EVERY post on here! While I've thoroughly enjoyed reading them, I beg to differ with some of the comments.

A few years ago (when "trial members" could still communicate with members) I created a profile on Match.com with NO photo. The response was phenomenal! There was almost no way to keep up with the correspondence with all of those educated, articulate, successful men. The key, my friends, is what is IN your profile. Mine was carefully worded to screen out dummies and boors. In addition, it included a physical description. BTW, several respondents told me that they had NEVER BEFORE written any ladies who had not posted photographs, but they just *had to* respond to mine!!

Now I'm on E-Harmony, again with no photo, and so far so good. The statements above about geography playing a role in the "matching process" are spot on!! So far MOST of the men I've been matched with are in my city, with several in my state and ALL of them in the same region of the country. Also I dislike the "can't stand" and "must have" lists, which contain complaints and desires that are almost universal. They should allow you to select 15 instead of 10 or get rid of it altogether.

Time will tell how I fare on E-Harmony, but thus far I'm pleased with the quality of my matches, most of whom are close to my age. But the jury is still out, as it's premature to draw conclusions. If anything adverse happens I'll let you guys know. :)

Phew..guys, took a while for me to read all the messages, but by golly I made it!!!

Thanks all for your comments on Eharmony. I'm a 32 year old guy, waiting to cancel his EH membership in December.

Perhaps I should claim the first price for one of the biggest sucker for this online dating scheme LOL. I've shelled out about $250 within the last two years on both match.com, friendfinder and EH.

My take on things:

Friendfinder.com: BS and waste of money, I didn't get anything at all. I emailed one of the member (interests: Travelling, match must be open-minded person, etc), never got any replies, a couple days later I noticed she changed her profile: White only please. LOL!!!

Match.com: Joined a couple years ago for a year. I got over 300 views, sent out probably about 100 emails, got about 10 responses (two which were pretty bad...I asked one member "did you get my email" she answered "yeah, got a pic?" I sent her my picture. That was the last time I heard from her. Mind you I am not ugly. I went out on dates (with beautiful and smart women) and had a couple serious relationships. The key: This all happened while I went to University. Once I graduated, boy things changed so quickly.

OK, on to Eharmony:

Got matched to about 50 people, yeah the 'closed' match sucks BIG time. Had probably about eight people that I communicated and out of those eight, I'm down to one and another one waiting for her to respond (she initiated it).

Now, what's the appropriate time to ask for an 'in person' date? My opinion, probably about 10-20 emails, move on to real chat on MSN, then phone, then meet up. One member connected really well, we went back and forth for about 2 month, till today I have yet to meet her (she canceled the one and only date because of 'emergency' and 'very busy') which is ok, but here's the thing, if they were really busy, had three jobs, don't even have time for a decent lunch or sleep, why the hell are you subscribing in the first place? All I ask was a one hour lunch, heck even George W Bush is not THAT busy (ok you can debate me on that..LOL).

I actually blew the chance with another member, after some 20 emails back and forth (she said we 'clicked' etc), I gave her my ph number to give her privacy so she doesn't have to give me hers. Never called, ok. I gave her instructions to download MSN messenger, she said "I don't know how to use that thing. My roomate has it, but it's a different priority right now." OK..guys, it takes FIVE minutes with a simple click and download it. So I told her that I think I spent a whole lot more effort into this more than her and I don't feel she wants to pursue anything more EVEN on a friendship level. She got offended and called it a 'weird email'.

Now I'm just down to two (one live, managed to email outside EH) and wait for another one. After this, I'm out.

I'm spending more energy joining a smaller bible study group and what not. BTW, I'm not one of those crazy, preachy Christians...just an average guy here.

Also- interesting thing: I clicked all possible 'race' and checked all the boxes. I got 50+ matches. 49 caucasian, and 1 asian (who closed me IMMEDIATELY), here's the kicker. I'm Asian too!

I think I suffer a bit of a low self esteem now because of so many rejections from all these strangers and I know I got lots to offer (not bad looking, nice job..alas not making 75K/year, own a house, etc...)

Quoting the Master Card commercial-

Money you spend on these sites: $250
Time you spend biting your nails hoping for a respond: Considerable
Feeling sucky cause you got so many 'closed' and a couple nasty emails: PRICELESS.

Thanks for letting me vent.

J.S.

J.S.,

Sorry you've had such a rotten time of it, but trust me, your experiences are not unusual. I don't know what it is about these dating sites, but somehow they seem to make people feel as though it's OK to behave even worse than they would in real life, with less concern and respect for the other person than they would show somebody they were passing in traffic.

As a single woman in my early 50s with three kids still in school, I knew I was not going to be a hot property, but my choices were pretty limited on eH and match.com to older retired guys who want to travel, jog, and go boating. I guess, looking back, I had four or five opportunities with different men, none of which panned out. One, a guy who turned out to be separated, but just looking for a friend. Actually, he drove over to my town one evening, and kept calling me and calling me, even though I didn't answer, wanting to get me to meet up with him someplace, which I really hadn't planned on doing that night. It wasn't like a stalker thing, he was just very interested and wildly persistent. I finally relented, answered the phone, and we went out, talked, and he bought me a nice dinner, then he lost interest, as if a switch had been flipped. It seemed to me that we hit it off fine, I just think the fantasy factor simply disappeared after that.

I hit it off famously with another man in correspondence, we almost felt like soul mates, then we met in person. No chemistry there on a physical level on either side, very disappointing.

Number 3 was probably the worst experience of the bunch. We talked on the phone, met for dinner, and neither one of us wanted to pursue it further. However, I was honest about that, sent him a friendly email, asked him to let me know if he felt differently, and that I would be happy to take him to dinner to reciprocate, just as a friend. He never responded to anything I wrote him. No common courtesy to even say no thanks.

The fourth, saddest experience was a man who looked very promising in his profile, and we corresponded just a little bit on eH before he revealed he has four grown children, three of whom are severely mentally handicapped and in his care. While my heart went out to him, I simply was not up for the challenge, and I told him that with as much honesty and compassion as I could, told him I admired him. Result? He closed me out the same day without another word.

My thing has been to treat people on these online dating sites with as much courtesy and caring as I would anybody else. It's sometimes hard to deal with situations where you just don't want to pursue a relationship, but I forced myself to face the situation with decency and kindness. Did I get any of that back? Precious little. I'm not bitter, mostly disappointed, and have departed the online dating scene.

I don't know whether this kind of behavior is typical of live, face-to-face dating because I've been so long out of the dating scene, but I'm guessing it's not. Something about the anonymity of the internet seems to make people rude and impersonal.

Anyway, J.S., you see that your experiences are not so different! Good luck to you. You sound like a nice, thoughtful person with lots of potential. Hang in there.

anima in Orlando

Wow thanks Anima for your support. That was quick.

Yeah, many people join EH, match or any message boards with the attitude that they can do whatever they want, because of the anonimity of the Internet. That is a sad thing. To me, Internet is not that much different from phone, I wouldn't NOT return somebody's call or hang up on them, so why would I do it different with the Internet?

Anyway- thanks for the support :)
J.S.

Probable PROOF eHarmony is a scam....

Alright,
here's my list of closed matches eHarmony
found for me but I found to be incompatible
with me after being a member for not more
than 2 weeks. Aside from the fact that they
say their long personality profile test is based
on what was it "300 reasons", notice that I
have closed 34 of them (with only 2 remaining):

Ok first, notice the odd "a" name endings
after being sorted. Also note only one of
them has the same name:

DANA - cameron park, California
Andrea - Carmichael, California
Erika - Cazadero, California
Tricia - Soon to be Fresno, California
Lura - ocean park, Washington
Melissa - Peoria, Arizona
Melissa - St Louis Park, Minnesota
Tonia - Minneapolis, Minnesota
Jessica - Stacy, Minnesota
Amanda - Spring Lake Park
Theresa - Onalaska, Wisconsin
Earlita - Tampa, Florida
Patricia - Jupiter, Florida
Tina - Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Vanessa - Vancouver, BC, Canada

More, again notice the odd name similarities here:

Aimee - Atlanta, Georgia
Shannonlee - St.Paul, Minnesota
Julie - minneapolis, Minnesota
Julianne - green bay, Wisconsin
Marianne - Pompton Lakes, New Jersey
Jeannine - Canton, Georgia
Jean - Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota

The rest, notice how arbitrary, meaning none
have the same name (as well as entire list
with the exception of one name):

Janice - San Francisco, California
Erin - Benicia, California
Cyndy - portland , Oregon
Jennifer - Casper, Wyoming
Thuy - Austin, Texas
Shalann - North Little Rock , Arkansas
Kim - Atlanta, Georgia
Tiffany - moline, Illinois
Esther - Melbourne, Florida
Elizabeth - New York, New York
trish - atlantic city, New Jersey
beth - concord, New Hampshire

So, scam.... or no scam? That is the question.
I'll tell you what i think, i think there are way
too many similarities. Any good programmer
who knows good coding could dupe up lists
like this for people. Thats just my opinion. ~JP,
Minnesota, USA

Hmmm...I think they are just coincidence JP. Heck I've known probably about 15 "Jennifer" in my whole entire life living in my area and my home town got about 1.5 million people!

By the way my membership ends in Dec 10th, but I just found out that another member who actually initiated a conversation earlier, just closed the communication with me after I sent my 'must/can't have'. So with that, I just went ahead and closed my account. Big deal, I'll lose 30 bux, but at least I won't suffer anymore dissapointment.

I did put my hotmail account in my profile. If anybody from there wanted to contact me, fine..but if not, I will rely on the 'higher power' (God for me) to just meet me with my future mate. No more technology.

On to the 'real life' now. Bye internet dating! :)

J.S.

Well, JP, at least your matches come from various parts of the country!!! With ONE exception, ALL of mine are in this region.

One of my new matches has put his e-mail addy in his profile, and I will be closing him for it (and other reasons). If he didn't like the rules he shouldn't have joined, not join and then proceed to break the rules! That I do NOT respect.

I have had the same problem as the women here. Either way to young, or way to old and shall I say to "BIG" Lets face it. E harmony is way to much for what you get. I had 36 matches the first week. NONE of which I would even consider going out with or even meeting. I don't drink alcohol, so what did they match me up with??? Scocial drinkers?? Yea right If you want to meet someone in a bar?? Not scocial to me. Starbucks maybe. But hey, if you are a slender guy like me.. The that thing you want is to be matched up with some "BIG" woman. just dosen't work. Eharmony sucks!!!!!!!!!!

Dale,

I agree with you that eHarmony is definitely the wrong place to look if your first criterion is appearance. I've seen the same complaint from several different men here ... too many BIG women there. And while I am no fan of eH, as you can tell by my other posts, one thing they do make pretty clear is that you have to be willing to suspend judgment of a person's looks until you know them better in order to use their service; it's set up that way. If you aren't willing to do that, then eH most certainly is not the place for you.

And well, maybe it isn't the place for most of the rest of us either. It wasn't for me, and I didn't even have the appearance criterion that some others do -- I WAS willing to know more about the whole person before deciding whether to move forward or not.

Anyway, there are plenty of other dating sites that let you shop for your ideal body type BEFORE initiating contact. But for any readers who are determined to get that perfect body in a mate, there is always the real-life, real-time solution. You always have a full 3D representation of the candidate before you say the first word! Dale, have you tried the Starbucks route? Lots of young, thin women frequent the one in my neighborhood.

anima in Orlando

P.S. As one of those curvy, moderately BIG women myself, I simply have to add that we don't want to be matched up with men who aren't attracted to us either. While I was an eH subscriber, hearing that from a man would cause me to close him out in a heartbeat. It's a waste of everybody's time.

Perhaps the cultures that conduct arranged marriages aren't so wrong after all. Looking at all the problems the posters here (myself included) have with finding a mate both in meatspace and cyberspace, one might reasonably conclude that our parents could have done as well.

I think for many of us we are feeling the sting of a society that places far too much empahsis on physical appearance. Some days I'm just as shallow as the next guy by being attracted to women I have zero chance with while I don't resemble in any fashion an attractive male. So, guys like me are shunned, avoided, and outright made to feel subhuman for daring to even breathe lest we deny one of the "beautiful people" a breath.

The online dating sites really play on the emotions of us plain and ordinary people who can't compete on the stage of beauty. It's really a sinister and cynical way to make a buck.

Hi,

I accidently came across this page while surfing the net.....

This one comment caught my eye though....

Joe stated in part (posted above on Nov 10): "My advice is to not talk to anyone who doesn't post a picture."

Interesting advice. But why do you say that? Do you think they're trying to hide something just because they don't post a pic?

If that's what you think, that might be generally true for the most part, BUT PLEASE consider another plausible explanation as well (may not be true for many, but might be for a few like me)....

There are some people (women) who have posted their pics and just by that sheer virtue alone end up getting an OVERWHELMING response from it. Many of those replies come from stalkers, sickos, desperados and/or nut jobs, or basically from people who don't read your basic wants from a profile and just end contacting you anyway & thus wasting your time. But the weirdos are the worst. Who needs that carp? So sometimes we think it's better to keep that photo hidden for a while to keep the weirdos at bay, and share it later on to someone more deserving when you feel that you click with them and they seem genuine interested too.

And ask yourself this, is a photo a pre-requisite to just initial communications online? If so, why? If you are finding yourself dwelling on looks alone, or putting looks first, before even communicating with anyone.... then I say searching for a date or s.o. online is not for you (not to mention, take a hard look at yourself in the mirror too lol). You're better off keeping your search off-line where you can make your preference for looks your top priority before you approach that person.

I certainly don't mean to make this sound mean-spirited, not my intention at all, just trying to be very realistic & frank about it is all.

But I've found that some people don't get it though, even when you try to honestly put it that way. They'll always keep missing or passing up the good ones and continue meeting the wrong ones, just because they require a photo first before communicating. Then they wonder why. Not all of us who don't post photos are not trying to hide anything or it's not a bad sign of any other sort for that matter. You might just be bypassing a really good looking person who is just simply shy or a very private person or is just trying to keep the weirdo replies at bay. (or maybe also might be someone who really is computer & digital camera illiterate, as I know some of my friends still are lol). Just remember next time you don't see a pic, that maybe, just maybe some of us have other different reasons for not posting pics like I briefly explained above.

Well, hope I gave ya'll some food for thought, not sure I'll find my way back here again though ;-)

Just wanted to say another thing about photos and online dating.

I get described as being attractive by girls Ive dated and girls who are friends. Part of this is because Im in excellent shape for my age (33). But Im not very photogenic, not sure why, I just always look kinda funny in face only photos.

Ive met girls online who's pictures looked kinda funny as well, and they turned out to be quite attractive. And some girls looked great in their photos, but when meeting them I realized that they must have taken them ages ago!

So I guess what I am saying is that if the person sounds cool, and there is nothing obviously un attractive about the person ( like for instance they are obese, or bald and that disgusts you ), take a shot at meeting them.

Match.com is pretty much a meat market, so if your photos dont do you justice, you probably wont meet many people there. Its just too tempting the way the site is setup to bring up a photo gallery of hundreds of singles and just click on people that look hot. The people that I know that use match.com successfully are pretty much just looking for hookups, people to party and have fun with, fool around with. Serious relationship seekers need not apply.

Update: I've cancelled my e-harmony membership for a few reasons:

a) After reading the comments here and looking at my matches I became highly suspicious. Most of the names are quite similar -- monosyllabic, generic names like "Steve" and "Jim," with several repeats.

b) I've given it some thought and have decided to focus on myself for a while and not worry about "looking." My last relationship ended recently and was quite painful, so this isn't the time anyway.

c) The quality of the matches has been going progressively downhill. The first ones seemed great, but the majority of them look like duds.

My request for a refund went through on the website, so I expect it to be there.

Mesmeriiis - point taken about my "picture" comment. I met 2 women who didn't post a picture and they turned out to not look anything like they described. I guess maybe I should rephrase and say beware of those who won't offer a